From Wreckage to Sunrise

FROM

WRECKAGE

TO SUNRISE

UNDERSTANDING THE IMPACT OF DOMESTIC ABUSE/VIOLENCE AND ADDRESSING THE PROBLEM

Veronica N. Nondabula

Contents

Dedication

Acknowledgements

CHAPTER 1

CHAPTER 2

CHAPTER 3

CHAPTER 4

CHAPTER 5

CHAPTER 6

CHAPTER 7

CHAPTER 8

CHAPTER 9

About the author

Dedication

To my wonderful, loving, caring family members, your love for me speaks volumes and reassures me of a brighter future. I could not be any prouder to be part of such an amazing unit.

To all the women who have shared their painful stories with me over the years and have allowed themselves to be vulnerable, I wish you all well and pray you find peace, joy and hope for a better and brighter future. You have inadvertently kindled a fire in me to produce this book.

To all the men who are suffering in silence from the traumatic and painful experiences of their past, that have been suppressed with periods of emotional eruption, causing harm to their loved ones. May this book provide you with a different perspective on the life’s journey. I wish you all the best as you make the decision to follow the guidance and recommendations made in the book towards improving your relationship with yourself and your loved ones.

Acknowledgements

To my late parents: Thank you for your immense love, prayers and kindness. You always believed in me and were always available whenever I needed you. I saw you exude affection and compassion towards those who came your way. You gave your all to ensure others were safe, warm and comfortable under your watch. Thank you for living such exceptional and exemplary lives and creating an atmosphere of unconditional love. Your seeds live forever in us.

To my siblings, nieces and nephews: I adore you, your uniqueness and your different approaches to life. Your support and belief in me have made me view life from a different perspective. I love you all greatly.

To my precious children: I am blessed to have you. Thank you for your patience, compassion and, above everything else, your love for me. Writing this book would have been more challenging had it have not been for your understanding and support. I love you more than words can express.

CHAPTER 1

What is domestic abuse?

According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, domestic abuse—also referred to as domestic violence—is the wilful intimidation, physical assault, battery, sexual assault, and/or other abusive behaviour as part of a systemic pattern of power and control perpetrated by one intimate partner against another especially in a domestic setting, such as in marriage or cohabitation. Domestic violence also includes other forms of abuse/violence, such as emotional abuse, sexual abuse/violence, psychological abuse, spiritual abuse, reproductive coercion, financial abuse, and last but surely not least, physical abuse/violence.

Domestic violence is mostly perpetrated against women, and the frequency and severity of reported cases suggest that it is mostly done to control, suppress and dominate the victim. Children, both boys and girls, are also victims of this abuse. Domestic violence has become an epidemic that affects hundreds of thousands of individuals (known cases) around the world each year. Although domestic violence is not exclusive to any race, nationality, ethnicity, skin colour, religious stance, sexual orientation, economic or financial status, there are reasons why some people hurt others. Domestic violence has ravaged victims, exposed them, made them vulnerable to life and various situations, and sadly, it continues to this day. Most victims’ lives change forever as a result, and it takes an exceptionally long period of time for some to recover following the abuse.

Types of domestic abuse/violence

It is not correct to think that abuse or violence is just about physically hitting or beating a partner or someone close, as it goes way beyond that. The thought that abuse is triggered by physical observations or actions and done physically is a shallow one; there is more depth to abuse than that. Many people do not even realise when they are perpetrating domestic violence because they may not be in a state of mind where they are aware that they are committing a crime against another human. Therefore, it is important for the perpetrator to understand how domestic violence works and the different ways in which it could be perpetrated.

Verbal abuse (Name-calling and other forms): This is often the most common form of domestic abuse. It is usually the first step and may lead to other forms of violence. Name-calling commonly arises because of misunderstandings, disagreements, stress, frustration, resentment, arguments or fighting, and it could ultimately culminate in physical violence. Name-calling is not just ethically bad, but it hurts the emotions of the victim and destroys their self-esteem and confidence. In fact, some people use this vile language towards their spouses so frequently that their children grow up believing these degrading and belittling things about their mother because they heard the father call her such.

Closely related to name-calling is body-shaming. I have seen more cases than I care to recall about people body-shaming their intimate partners to the point that some women attempt to commit suicide or become so mentally broken that it takes years of patience and hard work to restore their self-esteem—if they ever fully recover. A human body is like a piece of wood. It can be carved into something more beautiful and perfect, if approached the right way. However, some people do not see it this way, and they would rather hurt others with words because of their physical appearance. And sadly, some of these physical changes and problems are a result of the spouses’ abusive behaviour towards the victim.

Physical abuse or assault: Several reports and findings made available by the United Nations and the World Health Organization on domestic violence suggest that the percentage of women who suffer some form of physical abuse from their intimate partner is as high as 70%. A slightly lesser percentage suffer direct physical violence that may range from slapping, punching, shoving, poking, assaulting with a weapon, throwing against a hard surface, spitting, biting, locking someone outside or inside the home, strangling or choking, sleep deprivation, physical restraint, etc. Physical abuse starts slowly and builds up in intensity over time until it becomes a normal routine and a cycle of violence.

It is shocking to understand that most communities—in particular, African and Asian communities—have built a culture of silence around domestic violence to the extent that the victims (and potential victims) view it as normal for their fathers, husbands or even brothers to take a strap and correct their mistakes or slap some sense into them or talk some sense to them. Some fathers even threaten their children with the promise that their future husbands will hit them until they learn the lessons they are failing to learn in their youth. This is unacceptable, and these people endure significant hurt from a family that ought to be a pillar of trust and support. Physical abuse leaves the victims not only with physical scars but with deep emotional and psychological scars.

Emotional abuse: This form of abuse is carried out on an emotional level. It hurts more, but unlike physical abuse, it leaves no physical scars and is exceedingly difficult to prove. I have found that perpetrators of this form of abuse use it as their main weapon to strip their victim of their self-confidence and self-esteem and keep them feeling worthless. It is usually a blame game. They do this by constantly blaming their partners for all the problems in their lives and their relationships, constantly underplaying their partner’s achievements and accomplishments, telling them they will never amount to anything good, constantly guilt-tripping, emotionally blackmailing, humiliating and intimidating their partner. Should they know about their partner’s past hurtful or traumatic experiences, they use this against them by telling their partner that it was their fault they suffered abuse in their previous relationship—thereby intentionally and heartlessly inflicting more abuse and trauma on their partner.

Financial abuse: Not many people know that money can be a cause or tool for abuse. I have witnessed some astonishing cases where the perpetrators of abuse subjected their partners to financial abuse in different forms. They take over their partner’s income and salary, bank accounts, and exert full control and unbearable pressure over how they spend their own money. Some even stop their wives from making any financial decisions or transactions in the family, and everything concerning money must be authorised by them.

The perpetrators often make their partners do domestic chores, perform sexual acts they do not enjoy or like, or do some other activities they are not pleased with before they are given money to take care of their personal needs. Some of the abusers would use and abuse women financially by living with them and never contributing a penny for their upkeep. This is even worse when there are children involved as the woman would have to work hard to pay the rent, bills, meet the children’s needs and the adult’s needs, including the abuser who would still be financially dependent on the woman. They would often drive the woman’s car, never refill the petrol, and just dump it on the driveway/garage with an empty tank. In developed countries like the UK, US and some parts of Europe, these abusers go as far as using the children to generate an income from the government’s benefits system by claiming child benefits, etc., especially if the partner has no recourse to public funding. These are men who never even buy a carton of milk, never mind a packet of nappies for their own children.

Sadly, this form of abuse extends to the activities that the parties may be involved in outside the family home. For example, I have seen instances involving community groups, church activities or projects where the abuser will manipulate their partner into sponsoring big and expensive projects, claiming that she will be reimbursed by that particular group. Should the reimbursement not happen and should she raise the matter with the abuser, he would become violent and shut the woman down by not only saying nasty things to her but also by painting her black to everyone involved in that particular activity or project.

Isolation and control: The perpetrator/abuser may prevent their partner from seeing and spending time with their family, friends, or other loved ones. This includes controlling behaviours such as constantly monitoring their phone calls, text messages and emails, deciding the people they can visit, continuously disparaging them in front of friends and family. Can you imagine someone putting a leash on you, preventing you from seeing someone you care about? This is the violation of human and social rights that millions of women across the globe find themselves facing on a daily basis. I have seen perpetrators spend more time on their partner’s mobile phones and social media accounts than they spend on their own devices. They want to have access to every piece of information that their partner possesses to feed their selfish egos and twist and wrongly interpret what is presented before them to aid their ultimate goal, which is to isolate their partner and get away with it.

This behaviour includes controlling the food they eat at the family home, and if it is not cooked