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    Access to His Grace (I loved her but didn't want her.)
    Access to His Grace (I loved her but didn't want her.)
    Access to His Grace (I loved her but didn't want her.)
    Ebook63 pages49 minutes

    Access to His Grace (I loved her but didn't want her.)

    By Kentavia Johnson

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    About this ebook

    There was never a moment I didn't love my daughter; I just didn't want her. That may be hard for some to understand, but I know that ther

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherThe Scribe Tribe Publishing Group
    Release dateJan 15, 2022
    ISBN9781737641131
    Access to His Grace (I loved her but didn't want her.)

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      Book preview

      Access to His Grace (I loved her but didn't want her.) - Kentavia Johnson

      Access to His Grace

      I loved her but didn’t want her.

      Kentavia Johnson

      Access to His Grace © 2022 by Kentavia Johnson. All Rights Reserved.

      All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the author. The only exception is by a reviewer, who may quote short excerpts in a review.

      The Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV® Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

      Cover designed by Cover Designer

      Visit the author’s website at www.kentaviaj.com.

      Printed in the United States of America

      First Printing: January 2022

      The Scribe Tribe Publishing Group

      ISBN-978-1-7376411-2-4 (print)

      ISBN – 978-1-7376411-3-1 (ebook)

      In memory of Lanetta Smith (Jesus’ Best Friend, Best Friend), who didn’t judge me. She looked past my sin and saw a young woman who was hurting on the inside, feeling lonely and misunderstood without a voice. She encouraged me with the simple, but secure words, Drop her off to me when you feel it’s too much. I have never ever forgotten those words. They meant so much to me.

      I love you, Lanetta!

      To my daughter, Zharia:

      I didn’t know what to do with you.

      I didn’t pray for you while you were in the womb.

      I didn’t sing to you, and I didn’t read to you.

      But you are God’s grace.

      I should’ve named you God’s grace because God showed me grace when He chose me to be your mom.

      You’re kind, smart, wise, witty, respectful.

      And all because of God’s grace.

      I carried you with shame, hurt, anger, disconnection, and sadness, not knowing that God’s grace shielded you from it all.

      You came out loving me more than I loved you.

      Never resentful but gracious.

      Loving, never hateful.

      Mature while I was still immature.

      You waited on me fervently. Having faith that I would be the mom you needed me to be.

      You had more faith in me than I had in myself.

      Some days I still wonder if I’ve failed you, but you love me beyond my faults, my guilt trips, and my immaturity.

      You love me for me.

      You listen to me.

      You respect me.

      You trust me.

      I love you so much.

      I pray every day that you feel my love,

      And never doubt my love for you.

      I know that God has a special plan for you! Because He kept you. Keep Him first, my flower princess, and let God guide your footsteps.

      You were meant to be here. I was so blinded by guilt, shame, and disappointment that I could not see my blessing and the grace of God. I had no idea that my story, my journey, our journey would be my healing and my encouragement to the world. Thank you for helping me discover that I have full Access to His Grace.

      Acknowledgements

      To anyone who has struggled to forgive yourself, bound by disappointment, shame, guilt, and embarrassment, I’m here to tell you that you can and will make it! You have Access to His Grace. God showed me grace and He loves you equally. He has the same grace waiting for you. Just trust Him.

      To Neesha: I swear your voice changed that day when you said with all confidence, When are you gonna stop being scared and grab your microphone? I thought when someone prophesied to me it would be a clear statement like, You’re getting married in 2021. or God said you will receive that new job this year. What microphone?! I was too confused. I was secretly hoping for, Your good husband is coming! But Neesha, here we are. I’m on the mic!

      To Pastor John F. Hannah and New Life Covenant Church SE: As I searched for places to worship and heal, I journeyed through different churches in search of the right one. Being that I attended my family childhood church all

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