Never a Dull Moment: A Lemmy Caution Thriller

Chapter One

AM I THE ONION!

Never a dull moment!

You’re tellin’ me! Maybe you’re one of those guys who leads a routine existence an’ knows just what he’s goin’ to do every day. Well, I wish I was like that, because so far as I am concerned life is so goddam funny that sometimes I do not even know what I did yesterday.

Am I the onion or am I?

Maybe some of you bozos have heard of me. My name is Lemuel H. Caution—Lemmy Caution to you—an’ I carry a Federal Bureau of Investigation ticket an’ a whole goddam load of trouble. I have spent most of my life chasin’ thugs, crooks, rollers, finger-guys, counterfeiters, Inter-State skulduggers, snatch experts, white-slave merchants, yen tasters, hop slingers, boys who play the parlour game over a State line an’ the frails who help ’em do it. I have chased everythin’ that has committed any sort of mayhem any place in the U.S. jurisdiction—an’ a whole lot out of it. I have chased fat guys an’ lean ones, boyos who carry the old equaliser an’ palookas who rely on a sweet line of gab to get out of a jam.

I have also chased a whole lot of dames for one reason or another. But it has usually been for one reason—an’ that is not the one you are thinkin’ of, lady. No, sir—the dames I have chased are usually sweet mommas who are so wicked that any time they take a fancy to you it would be better for you to jump in a barrel of sneezin’ gas without your gas mask on.

I have also chased dames for other reasons—old-fashioned ones. An’ believe it or not, I would like to tell you mugs that it is sometimes a whole lot easier to keep sides up with a wicked blonde from Oklahoma, who has bust every Federal and State law that was ever thought of, than to try a new technique on some honeypot who is so pure that she pulls the bathroom window-blinds down any time she thinks some smart guy is lookin’ through the keyhole.

I stand leanin’ over a five-barred gate lookin’ at the golf course. Just in case you guys should be curious I will tell you that it is July 1941 an’ I am in some place called Betchworth, Surrey, England, which is a very nice place and just as good as any other place to be in when you are in the sorta frame of mind that I am in.

It is eleven o’clock at night, but it is still light because of this extra summer-time they have over here, an’ the place looks swell. There is a sweet sorta smell of grass an’ hay an’ what will you. There are long rollin’ greens, avenues of lime trees, hills an’ everythin’ else you could want, if you was the sorta guy who wanted that sorta stuff, I would appreciate this very much more if I was a landscape painter, but as I am merely an F.B.I. Agent with a distorted viewpoint on dames, very little sense of humour left an’ a blister on my left heel, I should worry about landscapes.

I give the gate a push but it will not open, which is not very strange when you come to consider that nothing happens the way I want it to. But bein’ a guy who does not allow obstacles to stand in my way I put my hand on the top, vault over, catch my foot in a twig on the other side an’ bite a large lump outa the English earth. After making a few very cheerful an’ bright remarks an’ brushin’ myself off, I walk up the pathway that leads over the long stretch of grassland towards the avenue of limes.

Believe it or not I am supposed to be havin’ a holiday around this dump, an’ I have to fall in for this bunch of trouble. One of these fine days I am goin’ to get myself inta a frame of mind where I shall lock myself in the back kitchen and play patience just so’s I shall not fall inta any set of circumstances which makes me do something I do not wanta do.

The air around here tastes good. It has been hot durin’ the day but now there is a sweet breeze. When I get to the top of the rise I can see just on the other side the avenue of limes. I look around for a house but I cannot see any house. I reckon some guy musta moved it outa spite. I lean up against a tree an’ light a cigarette. Now I have told you palookas before that I am a poetic sorta guy. I have spent most of my life lookin’ for beauty, an’ if you ask me what sorta beauty I will tell you the beauty that is usually terminated at one end with a very nice auburn pompadour an’ at the other with a pair of four-inch french heels. What is in the middle of these two things has been my hobby for many years, which is one of the reasons why I am a philosopher who is liable to duck any moment when he sees a blonde advancin’ on him sideways. So now you know.

But all this don’t mean that I don’t appreciate the beauty of an English golf course, which is a helluva place when you look at it. Maybe playin’ golf—which is a goddam silly game anyway but which gets a stranglehold on you—is one of the things which enables the inhabitants of this island to sing Roll out the Barrel while Jerries are bouncing bombs off the dome of St. Paul’s Cathedral, an’ the clever guy who said that atmosphere makes character certainly knew his huckleberries.

There are two guys comin’ up the fairway from the green below. These guys must be what is generally known as enthusiasts. One of ’em is wearin’ Home Guard uniform, with a bag of golf clubs slung over his shoulder. The other guy is carrying the same implements of torture but wearin’ a blue shirt an’ a bald head. I think maybe I will get some information.

I wait till they get level with me. Then I say to the Home Guard guy: Maybe you can tell me where Mr. Schribner lives—Mr. Max Schribner? I got an idea he has got a house around here somewhere.

The Home Guard guy thinks. Then he says yes maybe he can. Maybe this Schribner is the guy who lives in the white house on the other side of the roadway past the fourteenth green, about three-quarters of a mile away as the crow flies. He shows me where this place is more or less, an’ they scram.

I walk a little way, then I sit down on a tree stump, light a fresh cigarette and wonder what I am goin’ to say to this Schribner supposin’ I find him. This is one of those jobs where I don’t know a thing an’ have to guess all the time.

I sit there thinkin’ but I find I am not concentratin’ on the matter in hand. I am thinkin’ about a dame I met up in Omaha about eighteen months ago. This dame was a rare piece. She had everything. She had so much that anything she had not got you could stick in your eye an’ not notice it. She was one of those dames. She was blonde in colour, passionate by nature an’ had a one-track mind. She was one of those dames who would let you have anything you wanted providin’ she did not want something else. I can remember sittin’ on the back porch talkin’ to this baby on a night rather like this one is. I can remember her sayin’: Lemmy, you are a guy who will always find yourself in it right up to the neck, because any time you were not in it up to the neck you would be so miserable you would jump in the lake. So any time you get into heart trouble don’t worry—you’ll either get out or somebody will cut your throat an’ I’ll lay six to four that the somebody will be a dame.

All of which will make you guys come to the conclusion that I am a guy who is clever with dames. Well, maybe I am an’ maybe I am not. But no guy is really clever with dames, an’ if he escapes from the sweetie with the attractive wiggle and the starry eyes, it is only because he was born under the right star and has a terrific sense of direction at the right moment. Any guy can get inta trouble but it takes a really clever mug to get out, especially where a dame is concerned.

I come to the conclusion that it is no good my thinkin’ what I am goin’ to say to this Schribner bozo until I have given him the once-over. I throw my cigarette away, get up an’ start walkin’ towards the fourteenth green. This is on top of a little hill, an’ when I get there I can see, stuck away in the valley, with a mist comin’ up all round it, a little white house with a red top. I give a big sigh. Anyhow I have found this dump.

I start meanderin’ down the hill, across the fairway, towards the white cottage. I start thinkin’ about this dame Julia Wayles an’ wonderin’ just how I am gonna play this business. I begin to wonder what the baby looks like, an’ how she walks an’ what sort of a line she uses when she talks at, to or with you, because it is all those things which determine just what a dame is goin’ to do in life. Whether she is goin’ to be one of them nice, quiet janes who stay put an’ mend the socks every Tuesday night, or whether she is goin’ to get around generally an’ start somethin’. I wish I knew which sort Julia was. It might make things easier.

My old mother, who had a very leery eye for dames, an’ who was always afraid for me in case I grew up like Pa (who spent the whole of his life in fightin’ for some dame’s honour an’ who discovered too late that when she surrenders the battle has only just begun), usta warn me against anythin’ that wore chiffon stockin’s an’ a winnin’ smile. She said that a woman would take me for a ride one day. She was wrong. I been taken for lots of rides all my days by a handpicked selection of pieces of overtime that would break your heart to hear about.

Ever since I was seventeen, when I met up with a redhead with a shape that would knock you cold, blue eyes an’ a technique that woulda made Messalina look like the dame who does the manglin’ every other Tuesday, I been spendin’ my life workin’ out how to duck from some baby that I have got myself tied in with good an’ plenty. I am like that. Either I got an over-developed eye for beauty or I am just one of them guys who is never happy unless he is tryin’ out somethin’ new. Or maybe I like learnin’. I wouldn’t know.

The red-head taught me plenty. I met this dame at a party where they was servin’ nothin’ but sarsaparilla an’ good works, an’ when I tell you that I fell for her directly I took a look, I am speakin’ nothin’ but the truth, an’ no kiddin’. She was thirty-five years of age, with no angles an’ the correspondin’ curves. She had a soft voice an’ a way of lookin’ at you that made you feel that Adam was only bein’ human when he tried to turn over a new leaf.

An’ was she good? I’m tellin’ you she was good. She was so goddam good that she woulda made a Fifth Columnist turn himself inside out an’ make a noise like the wind in the willows every time somebody said Hitler. She belonged to some good-works society that went in for makin’ young men stay in in the evenin’s. So far as I was concerned the society was successful all right. Because this dame had such an influence on me that I stayed in plenty. I never got away from her for three weeks an’ then it was to rush around to the drug store to get somethin’ for that tired feelin’. When I went home Ma Caution took one look at me an’ then threw a two-quart can of tomato juice at the old man’s picture.

Ma was a great believer in heredity.

Well . . . that was my first experience with dames an’ from that time I have never looked backwards except to look at some baby with short skirts an’ a sweet under-structure climbin’ a step-ladder. So now you know. An’ you must tell me about yourself sometime.

I push open the garden gate an’ start walkin’ up the little pathway. It is gettin’ good an’ dark an’ a nice piece of moon is comin’ up over a cloud. I get to thinkin’ about this Julia dame an’ wonderin’ what she is like. I reckon she has got to have somethin’ otherwise she would not be causin’ me to be hangin’ around this golf course tryin’ to get my hooks on this boyo Schribner when I might be playin’ noughts an’ crosses with the smart piece of auburn homework I met up with last night, in the American bar at the Savoy.

I ring the bell an’ wait. After a minute some guy opens the door. He is a big guy with a fat neck an’ he is wearin’ a silk shirt with a collar a coupla sizes too small for him. His clothes are good an’ he has got a coupla rocks on his fingers that cost plenty. He grins like he was pleased about somethin’. He says: Can I help?

I tell him yes. I tell him that my name is Willik—Paul Willik. An’ that I am lookin’ for some young woman by the name of Julia Wayles. I say maybe he knows some guy called Maxie Schribner. He says sure he does. He says that he is Maxie Schribner.

He stands there leanin’ up against the doorpost, lookin’ at me like a good-natured porpoise who is tryin’ to do somebody a good turn. This guy’s face is like a moon. It is round an’ fat an’ his skin is like rubber. His lips are thick and turned back, but the shape of them is pretty—almost like a woman’s lips, a sorta cupid’s bow if you know what I mean. The guy has got light blue eyes an’ practically white eyebrows. If I had to choose between looking at this guy or last week’s leftovers you would find me in the pantry, because this mug has got the sorta face that you look at anything else but.

I say: Well, that is very nice Mr. Schribner. Now you know who I am an’ I know who you are. Maybe you can tell me somethin’ about this Wayles dame.

He says: Sure! Come in.

He turns around an’ starts walkin’ down the passage-way. I go after him. At the end of the passage he holds a door open an’ we go inta a room. It is a nice sorta room, comfortable an’ with a shaded light. In one corner is a desk with a lotta papers on it.

I sit down in a big armchair an’ he gives me a cigarette. He says: Well now, what can I do for you? Maybe you’d like to tell me about yourself.

He is smilin’ at me sorta old-fashioned, like the headmaster interviewin’ the new boy.

I say: That is easy, Schribner. I told you my name was Willik. I am an operative workin’ for the Trans-Atlantic Detective Agency. That’s who I am. About this Wayles baby I don’t know a thing. All I know is I was over here on a job and my boss sent me a cable tellin’ me to try an’ find some dame called Julia Wayles, supposed to have come over to this country from New York or somewhere in America three-four months ago. He said if I contacted some guy name of Schribner, who was believed to be livin’ at this dump Betchworth, maybe he’d be able to help me.

He says: Sure! He gets up an’ goes over to the cigar box on the mantelpiece and gives himself a cigar. He goes on: Well, I don’t think I can tell you very much about the Wayles proposition an’ I reckon it’s sort of funny that my name should come into this. Maybe your people sort of got on to me because I used to know a Julia Wayles one time back in the States, an’ maybe my name sort of got mixed up with hers. Though what she would be doing over here I don’t know.

I say: That’s fine. So you knew her? What sort of a baby was she? Was she one of those fly-by-nights that you never get a check on or was she a nice steady sort of a dame—not the sort of a dame to go flyin’ off with some good-lookin’ guy?

He says: Oh, so that’s the way it is, is it? So your people think she’s gone off with somebody?

I shrug my shoulders.

If my people knew what she’d done an’ where she was they wouldn’t be askin’ me to find her, I say. Also if they knew anything about the dame that’d help me they woulda told me when they cabled me. But if you’ve seen her you know what she looks like, an’ if you know what a baby looks like you know a lot about her, don’t you?

He says do you—he hasn’t thought of that. It seems to me that this guy is either a first-class mug or he is playin’ stupid.

Look, pal,—I tell him—it looks as if you need a lesson in psychology. It stands to reason that if a dame has gotta face like the front page of last week’s edition of Home Cookery Hints she is much more liable to be safe than a baby who looks like somethin’ that keeps father out at night, who has a shape to dream about an’ everythin’ that goes with it. Ain’t that sense?

He says yes he thinks that’s sense. He says that now he comes to think of it he reckons this Julia Wayles baby comes inta the second class. He talks sorta dreamy like an’ I am tellin’ you that when this guy looks dreamy he looks like a porpoise that has been washed up on the foreshore—the sorta thing they rail off an’ charge a dime to look at.

Now I come to think of it, he says, Julia Wayles was a fine looking girl. She was nice and tall and slim but curved mind you—she was curved all right. She had a good complexion and auburn hair and she was a pretty mover. Come to think of it, says he, Julia was a romantic sort of kid. You never know, she might have got stuck on some guy and taken a powder with him.

I see, I say. An’ that’s all you know about her?

He nods. I don’t know why she should want to come over here, he says. Unless some guy brought her over. What I think is—

I see the door-handle turnin’, an’ the door starts to open. I look up. When I see the guy who is just comin’ in I almost get heart disease. I open my mouth to start sayin’ something, but the guy who has just got inside the room talks first. He says:

Hello, Maxie. What’s this punk doin’ here?

I relax an’ take a look at him. He is a nice tall feller, broad in the shoulder, thin in the hip. He has got his hands in the side pockets of his jacket and the right hand one is pretty bulky. I reckon he has gotta gun in that pocket. Maxie looks surprised.

Look. Rudolf— he says, ain’t you makin’ a mistake? This is Mr. Paul Willik of the Trans-Atlantic Detective Agency. He’s looking for some young woman called Julia Wayles. He’s come over here because he thought I might know something about her.

The other guy starts grinnin’.

You’re tellin’ me, he says. D’you know who this bum is? This bum is Lemmy Caution, the Federal Agent. The bright shining star of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, United States of Justice, Washington, DC. The lousy heel who brought in Willie Kratz and all his bunch eighteen months ago. I reckon this bastard has knocked off more of my pals than I can count. So he’s Paul Willik, is he? Hear me laugh!

Look— I begin, but Maxie takes a hand. He says:

You shut your trap for a moment because I think you have done a very unkind thing, Mr. Caution. You have come musclin’ down into the quiet of an old English homestead set in the beauties of the countryside under false pretences, and in doing so you have started something which you will not be able to finish. He draws on his cigar. Rudolf, he says to the other guy, what do we do with this heel?

Rudolf brings his hand outa his right hand pocket an’ puts the gun on the table. He sits down in a chair close to it. He says: Look, Maxie, what is the good of discussin’ this business? I don’t like this guy anyway. The fact that he’s around here tryin’ to ease in on this Wayles proposition don’t look so good to me either. In fact it stinks! I think we give it to him.

Maxie nods brightly. The guy looks as if he is beginning to take an interest in life. He says:

Rudolf, I am very sorry about this, but I think you’re right. I think we’ll have to take care of Mr. Caution. He gets up. He comes over towards me. He says: Ain’t you a mug? If you’d come a little earlier you wouldn’t have met Rudolf. If you hadn’t met Rudolf you might have gone away again. But you ain’t goin’ away now. About a coupla miles from here, he goes on, is a sewage dump. I think we’ll stick you in there to-night and you can travel miles an’ miles away down to the sea. It oughta be quite interesting only you won’t be takin’ any interest in it.

I give a big horse laugh.

Look, Fatty I tell him. "You don’t think you can get away with that