The Handbook for 21st Century Mums and Dads

Hi mums, dads, carers, grandparents, teachers and friends, this book is for you if any of these apply:

• You want a kid to thrive in our world today.

• You would like to resolve worries, challenges or tough times.

• You wish your child would co-operate more and be easier to live with.

• You want to swap negative actions or behaviours for effective communication - especially of scared, angry or sad feelings.

• You have a happy child and you would like this to continue as they grow up.

• You want to confidently support them in the most nurturing and loving way.

• You would like to understand a kid’s distress and know how best to help.

• You like your child feeling self-assured, managing home and school well, and still having time to just be themselves, for laughter and fun.

Mums, dads, carers and others: This handbook is for making family life less stressful, easier and more enjoyable, and childhood happier for loads of kids. It is written for parents of kids aged about 4–11, but can be adapted to any age.

Teachers: Even understanding ‘Owl and Cat’ types will make life easier for you in your classroom.

Grandparents: Enjoy these ideas and approaches with your grandchildren, and your adult son or daughter. Leave mums and dads to be with their kids in their own way.

I wish you all the very best, Felicity

What people are saying about this book

‘I found the Understanding part beautiful. It was a pleasure to read and extremely useful.’ Claire, mum of three.

‘Reading this book puts me back on track.’

Alison, childminder, mum of teenagers, one with Asperger’s.

‘Emily is continuing to do really well. In fact, she is thriving. I continue to be blown away by the ongoing changes in her. She is an absolute delight to have around and a very different girl from how she was - even before she became unwell. You were absolutely right that she is a very intelligent girl. We have some wonderful discussions about all sorts of things: religion, animal welfare, human rights and social equality issues. She is fun, kind and caring and has a great sense of humour. She has a number of very good friends. At gatherings, she is literally the life and soul of the party, amazing our adult friends as she goes up to them for a chat and a hug! The whole family is benefiting from Felicity’s 6 Step approach.’

Jane and Rob, solicitor, parents of three.

‘When I first met Felicity in 2012, she simply ‘saw’ my children for who they were! It was life changing and completely liberating. Felicity encouraged me to be the parent I wanted to be: honest, fun, exciting, trustworthy and loving. The Handbook for 21st Century Mums and Dads perfectly encompasses Felicity’s philosophy of being present, honest and loving with your kids. It is an invaluable tool in today’s busy, modern world and is sure to create new, meaningful connections in all families.’

Natasha, mum of four. Find Natasha’s blog at unschoolingaspies.blogspot.com - an Avenue Mum blogging the differences.

‘The Handbook for 21st Century Mums and Dads is an invaluable resource in helping children and families to be at peace with themselves and to develop lasting qualities of kindness and caring. Felicity generously shares her wisdom and experience along with many tried and tested strategies - an invaluable purchase for busy parents!’

Geoff Smith, headteacher and author of The Primary Character Curriculum.

‘Super interesting to read about the Cat/Owl Children. I really see that Hendrix has strong Cat traits and how being aware of this not only helps him to progress through each day, but the way I communicate with him.’

Jamie, dad of two, Azulfit for health and wellbeing www.azulfit.com.

‘For years, in workshops and private sessions, I’ve referred parents and therapists dealing with challenging children to Felicity Evans and her amazing, groundbreaking centre, NatureKids. Felicity understands the needs of today’s children better than anyone else I’ve come across. She knows that the parenting model we inherited from our parents can do more harm than good with these children and her life’s work has been to teach parents how to parent in a new way. This book should be in every antenatal clinic so that new parents can start using these methods right from the beginning.’

Ann Callaghan, homeopath and producer of Indigo Essences for Children.

Felicity Evans

Felicity is a teacher and family support counsellor who has worked with children at a grass roots level for many years, helping babies to thrive, toddlers to talk, kids to communicate and learn, and young people and university students to succeed.

She has acquired many ways to support children during her career: a nursery school assistant at 16; a teacher where her passion for communication and building a sense of self started; a Deputy Head in a hospital school; a SENCO; writing her own programme for dyslexic children -The Other Path.

From 2000 she welcomed many children to her centre, NatureKids. Some parents wanted to offer their children different experiences in education. Other children came to overcome distress in school or at home. Many had communication differences or found it difficult to learn and some had addictions.

Labels like ADHD, autism, anxiety and depression may give useful information about our children but they are not always bringing them the understanding, support and compassion they need.

Felicity especially wants to take away the stigma of these labels, as her approaches have not only brought many children and young people to happiness and achievement, but also enriched her life.

This handbook has come from these years of experience and the insights she gained at NatureKids. This diverse mixture of children became a ‘family’, welcoming new arrivals and staying friends after they left. They want to change previous patterns that no longer work, to manage their basic skills and to reveal their unique talents. These kids want to empower the world with their love and passion.

Moment by moment, Felicity learnt about the inner journey these kids have to accomplish, often to come out of huge heartache into a norm of happiness..

It is an absolute joy for Felicity to share what she has learnt from all the children and to pass it on to you through this book

Supporting differences, overcoming challenges

This book comes from being with my son, Iestyn, all the NatureKids and every child I have ever met.

It is written with profound thanks to all the kids for teaching me so much and bringing me wisdom and joy.

I offer what I have discovered to the mums and dads and carers of today. Thank you for having such amazing children to enrich all our tomorrows.

I would like this book to reach every child so that their happiness far outweighs their heartache.

Many thanks to all of you who have helped me with this book:

Chris Day, Jane Mallin and everyone at Filament and Clare Clarke at www.fusion3media.co.uk

Millie Townsend, I really appreciate your creating wonderful pictures which illustrate my points so well.

Claire McKenzie, I am so grateful for your time, your incredible aptitude at helping me to express myself clearly and your understanding and support for this book.

Dr. Claire McKenzie, collaborative and substantive editing. Email: [email protected]

Alison Downs, you did a grand job gently leading me from knowing only the very basics about computers to managing OK on my own – some of the time!

Thanks to Jackie Burwell, Lesley Barry and everyone who enabled NatureKids to thrive over the years

– staff, families and friends. We are grateful to our team of professionals who helped us with the kids

– there are links to them in the Resources of this book.

Thank you to my neighbours including Joe Hayes, who kept the farmhouse ticking over and gave a sense of calm, Karyn Hill in the States and all the friends who openly chatted to me about children. I often smiled and said – ‘That’s in my book’.

Cover photo and portrait: Hannah Couzens www.hcphotography.co.uk

Thanks for making a ball pool to represent happy times!

Thank you ball pool kids and adults: Beth, Emily, Dan, Sebastian and Monty.

Thanks to Richard Penfold and Softplaycleaning.com for the balls.

Published by

Filament Publishing Ltd

16 Croydon Road, Beddington, Croydon,

Surrey, CR0 4PA, United Kingdom.

Telephone +44 (0)20 8688 2598

www.filamentpublishing.com

© 2017 Felicity Evans

The right of Felicity Evans to be recognised as the author of this work has been

asserted by her in accordance with the Designs and Copyright Act 1988.

Illustrator: Millie Townsend

Disclaimer: This book is for educational and informational purposes only,

to suggest choices. It should not be considered medical, legal or financial advice.

It is not a replacement for professional diagnosis, medication, or therapy.

ISBN 978-1-911425-19-9

ISBN 978-1-912256-17-4 (e-book)

Printed by IngramSpark.

This book may not be copied in any way without the prior

written permission of the publishers.

Contents

Prologue - Hope, Courage and Patience

Introduction

Life is easier as we enable kids’ brains to thrive

From Heartache to Happiness

Harry’s journey from Heartache to Happiness

The Handbook for 21st Century Mums and Dads

This handbook is not just to read - it is something to do

Step 1 Understanding Introduction and Contents

Understanding ‘Owls and Cats’

Understanding Struggles or Gifts

Understanding Sensitivity

Understanding Pioneers

Step 2 Nurturing Part 1 Introduction and Contents

Nurturing the kids of today

Nurturing with Words

Nurturing Part 2 Contents

Nurturing the Body and Brain

Nurturing with Structure and Boundaries

Step 3 Loving Introduction and Contents

Loving Yourself

A Loving Childhood

Lovingly Present

Unconditional Loving

Lovingly Safe

Step 4 Communicating Introduction and Contents

Communicating Feelings

Communicating and Behaviour

The best type of words for Communicating

Communicating to Build Security

Step 5 Resolving Part 1 Introduction and Contents

Resolving and Change

Resolving Anger

Resolving and Structure

Resolving with Choice

Resolving Circumstances

Resolving Part 2

Resolving and the Interventions: Active and Increased

Resolving and the Interventions: Missing and Subtle

Resolving Fear, Invasive Intervention and Control

Resolving Lack of Intervention, Sensitivity and Standards

Emma’s story

Step 6 Playing Introduction and Contents

Playing Ideas

Playing as a Power Activity

Playing with the Elements

Playing to build a deeper sense of self

Epilogue - Patience, Courage and Hope

End of book resources

Prologue Hope, Courage and Patience

How do I come to be writing a handbook for you as a mum or a dad? It’s to share with you, as a 21st century parent, about what can work well for your kid to thrive so life is happier and less stressful. Lifestyles are changing rapidly nowadays. We need to open up new paths for our kids.

My awareness about the kids of today developed through being with them on a daily basis, especially at NatureKids.

I got to know the kids very well. I started Understanding their behaviours and needs at a very deep level, seeing that heightened sensitivity needed support to be a gift rather than a block. If I wanted children to read, or stop hitting, I found the right Nurturing for this to happen. Then kids began to learn easily and be kind. The most challenging usually became the most Loving - I still get hugs from them to this day.

I discovered ways to help children with Communicating and expressing their feelings. Their speech matured beyond expectation. Kids want Resolving to happen - right now - to sort out troubles or distress. Then they can go forward in life with self-worth and confidence - wonderful to see! Playing was the way to be their true selves.

Understanding, information and knowledge bring hope. As I see kids finding their own feet in life through the 6 Steps, I experience ever increasing hope for their future and know that others can do the same.

Possibly 65% of children starting school today will be doing careers that we can’t imagine. The 10% most popular jobs for young people now didn’t exist 10 years ago. Home or school can’t really prepare children for these innovations but luckily their brains are ready! Let’s have the courage to support these young pioneers in our own homes and as a society.

Many are asking for a lifeline, often vehemently with challenging behaviours or all-pervading anxiety. This can be stressful and utterly exhausting for parents. I encourage you to recharge with some of the suggestions in this book - they can give you a boost in energy and confidence. Then you can hold your patience during any tough times, so they pass much quicker.

When we consciously prepare our kids for life today, things are easier, more relaxed and happy for everyone. As kids thrive in the present, their future is bright.

Introduction

Life is easier as we enable kids’ brains to thrive

When I was on teaching practice in Infant school many years ago, the kids used up masses of grey paint! It was the Daleks, first time around. They made Daleks from junk, painted them grey then proudly wrote ‘This is my Dalek’.

That’s what kids did in infant school in those days. We didn’t have photocopiers for worksheets, junk was free and children spent hours making junk models.

I didn’t focus on it then but the Daleks highly motivated kids to practise fine motor control, be creative and feel good about an end result. Nowadays neuroscientists would say that they were becoming whole brain children, building the effective brain pathways for learning and adult life.

Years later in 2000, I set up NatureKids. Some kids came because they weren’t able to ‘mature their brains’ and learn in present day regular schooling, others joined us because their parents wanted them to have a different approach to learning.

I got out the junk again but most kids didn’t know how to ‘do junk’. They chose playing outside, for hours on end. Drew, a helper, noticed they were acting out the archetypes, which American philosopher Joseph Campbell sees as practising skills for adult life.

The children created their own ways to expand their brains and build self worth, sometimes overcoming very marked differences. I offered Understanding, Nurturing, Loving, Communicating, Resolving and Playing - the 6 Steps - in a very simple way but what happened was extremely profound. The kids truly thrived. Their friendships were like blood brothers. They became kind and caring. They sang, danced, drew pictures, developed beautiful handwriting, read fluently, understood maths and wrote stories from their hearts.

It’s now about three generations since schools did ‘junk modelling’ or similar for hours on end. Unsupervised outdoor play happens less and less. Many adults haven’t had whole