If

If

If

Ingrid Pritchard Wilder

New Degree Press

Copyright © 2021 Ingrid Pritchard Wilder

All rights reserved.

If

ISBN

978-1-63676-697-3 Paperback

978-1-63730-467-9 Kindle Ebook

978-1-63730-468-6 Ebook

To my family, both DNA-related and otherwise. 

Thank you for loving me more than any one person has the right to expect to be loved.

Most of all, to my big sister Maren.

Thank you for being my role model, my mentor, my biggest fan, and my best friend. I’ve written over sixty-five thousand words for this book, but right now I’m sitting here, frozen, because I can’t think of any words that might show how grateful I am to have you as a sister. I love you a ridiculous amount. Also, I’m sorry I hit you with my bike that time when we were kids.

I love you all very much. I can’t imagine where I’d be if I didn’t have you.

Table of Contents

Prologue

Chapter 1. If Harrison Was Single, I’d Still Have My Dignity (and My Scone)

Chapter 2. If I Had Taken the Stairs This Morning, I Would Know the Meaning of Life by Now

Chapter 3. If I had a Keurig, I Wouldn’t Have Disappointed My Mother Today

Chapter 4. If Kids These Days Would Look Up from Their Damn Cell Phones, I Would Not Have Been Ambushed Behind a Tree

Chapter 5. If I Had Remembered to Eat Dinner, Chase Would Still Have His Shoes

Chapter 6. If I Hadn’t Had Those Extra Espresso Shots, I Wouldn’t Have Made It through the Day

Chapter 7. If Dorm Rooms Had Balconies, I Could Have Avoided Him

Chapter 8. If I Had Ditched Class, I Wouldn’t Have Ended Up in That Alley

Chapter 9. If I Were a Libra, I Would Be Getting Laid Tonight

Chapter 10. If I Had Gotten Laid Last Weekend, I Wouldn’t Be Stuck in an Elevator Now

Chapter 11. If I Had Done Yoga Instead of Journaling, I Would Never Have Gotten My Memories Back

Chapter 12. If Chase Hadn’t Been Wearing His Gucci Belt, I Could Have Escaped Before the Whole Monologue

Chapter 13. If Only the Good Die Young, What Does That Make Me?

Chapter 14. If I Had Just Flirted with Some Diplomats, I Wouldn’t Be About to Die

Chapter 15. If I Survive This—

Chapter 16. If—

Epilogue

Acknowledgments

Prologue

Summer, 2023

I thought you were dead, you know.

I knew the unkempt man across the table was talking to me. All the other patients had long since retreated to their rooms to sleep, which left only the two of us under the supervision of an uninterested nurse.

Still, I didn’t look up from my Jell-O.

I didn’t want to talk to this man, or any of the other patients here. I didn’t want to learn names, share traumas, or swap stories about what’s wrong with us. Or, at least, I wouldn’t want to if I knew what was wrong with me.

So, I poked tiny forkfuls of my neon green dessert and tried to lose myself in a well-worn novel I had grabbed from the ward’s meager book collection.

He didn’t seem to notice my lack of interest though, or perhaps he simply didn’t care.

When those doctors wheeled you in here, he went on, even as I held my book up higher to barricade my face from his view, "you were so still. Like, not even breathing. I thought you were a goner for sure. But then they left you in that room at the end of the hall, and an hour later you poked your head out the door, alive as ever. You looked timid as hell, mind you, but alive."

I turned a page aggressively, even though I hadn’t actually managed to read anything on the prior page. I didn’t remember the entrance he described; I had no way of knowing if it was true.

I had been on summer break, enjoying the sun and the city, the time off before college started and Chase and I went long distance, and then…

I remembered a harsh fluorescent light—too bright, like someone scrubbing bleach in my eyes. I remembered stumbling out of a bed onto a frozen tile floor, feeling exposed underneath a thin cotton hospital gown. I remembered that I was alone.

Where are you, Chase? I repeated this question and a thousand others, over and over again in my diary. Or, I would have, if my diary wasn’t absent too. I had had a diary, right?

Most people, when they come in here, continued the man, who had somehow still not given up, they’re kicking or screaming or fighting, or at least, doing something. I’ve been here three weeks, and I don’t think I’ve seen any check-in so quiet before. ’Course, I know some of them come into the hospital that way, if it’s pills or something, but usually the other doctors have to fix them up a little before they’re brought in here.

It wasn’t pills.

I probably shouldn’t have said that.

For one thing, the only evidence I actually had that it wasn’t pills came from my panel of therapists and the story my parents had relayed through gasping sobs. I had nodded along. I cried with them, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t remember the event.

For another, it really should not have mattered whether this man thought I overdosed. After I was released, I would never think about him or any part of this experience again. I was going to move forward with my life and rip this horrid chapter from my narrative.

Don’t engage, my mom would have said. Just ignore him.

But the man had already pounced hungrily on my mistake. He moved around the table, his chair scraping angrily on the floor, and roughly pulled my book away.

I looked to the nurse for help, but he had tuned us out entirely in favor of whatever video was playing on his phone. I thought briefly about punching the other patient to make him shut up, but I didn’t actually think I could beat him in a fight. This man had at least half a foot and twenty years on me. Hmm… When I get out of here, I should start lifting.

Besides, even if I thought I could win a fight, my favorite doctor had told me that if I kept my head down and finished my treatment, I would be released in just a few days. Fighting another patient probably didn’t qualify as keeping my head down.

So, what are you doing here, then? he urged.

I glared at the man frostily, which he somehow misinterpreted as a request to keep talking.

Well, come on, he said matter-of-factly, as though we were working through a difficult multiple-choice question, and he was helping eliminate the answers that were obviously wrong. "You’re not a total loner; I’ve seen gift baskets from your friends piling up at the front desk. You’re clearly well off; your parents have been visiting every day now, and even I can tell their clothes are expensive. And besides, he concluded, reaching forward to stroke a strand of blonde hair that had fallen into my face, you’re so pretty."

His touch made me want to throw up.

I could feel the man’s hot breath on my face, and it smelled like the mystery casserole I had avoided at dinner. Worse, I could feel his expectation—his confident assumption that I would provide a simple reason for my stay here in the Wollstone University Hospital Psychiatric Ward, like a neat little bow he could use to tie up my story.

Spoiled rich girl parties at one too many clubs, goes on a bender.

College freshman sleeps with one too many frat boys, falls off the deep end.

I didn’t have a simple answer though, for him or for myself.

On some level, I had been depressed since middle school. When I started high school, everything felt worse, or at least more overwhelming. It didn’t feel like I was growing up—not exactly. It was abrupt. My life seemed to slingshot from one moment to the next, forcing me to tumble forward in time without ever quite stopping so I could figure out who I was supposed to be or what I was meant to do.

If, as this man thought, I could have made some friends and smiled away my depression, then I would be fine. If there was a way to prepare or research or buy my way into good mental health, then my parents, who ran the hospital we were sitting in, would have done it already. They would have done anything.

And if I could have erased my pain with pretty makeup as easily as I could erase the dark circles under my eyes, then that pain would be gone, along with the memories of waking up in front of five doctors while they informed me that I had tried to jump.

I had tried to jump. Maybe that was as close to a simple answer as I would ever get.

Hey! What are you two doing? The nurse finally noticed the man hanging over me.

We were just talking, the patient whined, but he had already picked up his chair to move hastily away from me. Thank God.

"I was just reading," I said, trying to separate myself from any admonishment that might come.

The nurse narrowed his eyes. You should both go to bed.

No. Wait.

"I was just reading, I repeated, desperation coloring my words. I’m not tired yet."

He was unmoved. I’ll give you something to help you sleep. It’s late. He walked back to reception to get the sedative, ignoring my protests.

The other patient was quietly laughing at my panic. Why don’t you want to go to bed? Afraid of the dark?

I didn’t bother to respond. Instead, I jumped up, threw my half-eaten Jell-O in the nearest trash can with a little more force than necessary, and followed the nurse.

Okay, I told him using my best impression of a casual tone. You’re right, I’m tired. Goodnight!

Wait. My path was blocked by light blue scrubs. The nurse looked down at me, and his eyes narrowed as he scrutinized my face, as if my lie was written across my forehead in bright ink. I still think you should take this, he said, and he handed me a pill and a small cup of water.

Okay! I repeated, taking both. I tried to walk quickly back to my room.

No! The order echoed down the hallway. Take it here, in front of me.

Shit. I turned, slowly, and he was watching me, face full of suspicion. Shit, shit, shit. If I argued, he would tell my doctors, and I would be trapped for even longer.

I had to take it. I had to sleep. I had to face the dreams again.

I slowly brought my hand to my lips and swallowed the pill, hating the way it felt chalky on my tongue before I chased it with the water. I glared at the nurse the entire time.

Goodnight, I said cooly. He nodded, dismissing me to my room.

***

I laid on my stiff mattress and fought to stay awake for as long as I could. Maybe tonight will be the first night the dreams don’t come, I tried to reassure myself.

But I knew it was no use. It seemed that barely any time had passed before I was numb, warm, and comfortable, and the drug and the dreams started to pull my mind away.

There was nothing left to do but give in and try to make it through the night. For now, my nightmares would overtake me, but tomorrow morning the sun would rise, and I would begin to run from them again.

Chapter One

If Harrison Was Single, I’d Still Have My Dignity (and My Scone)

Fall, 2023

Above us, clouds hung dark and heavy, ready to descend into the warm air of the early autumn evening. Below us, rubber boots touched ancient brick as we stood huddled together in the center of the square.

My college roommate, Emilia, was wearing a big blue rain jacket that looked like it could have kept a Titanic passenger dry. She had brown hair hung loose above her shoulders and oversized round glasses perched on the bridge of her nose, just above where a scrape was still healing from the previous weekend. Exactly how she cut her nose open was a little fuzzy. That moment sat precariously, near the edges of my memory. If I tried to reach it, it began to fade away.

It definitely happened while we were walking home from a party across campus, dizzy from the laughter and the drinks. It was probably sometime after I threw up all over the historic front steps of Gotland Hall. It may have had something to do with a tree.

Where are the boys? Emilia asked. She flung her arms out in frustration, nearly knocking me over. Oops, sorry! But I’m hungry, and I think it’s about to rain.

We had been waiting for at least ten minutes among the falling leaves and chatting students of Lynum Square, but I didn’t mind. I loved days like this. The campus was dotted with the first decorations of fall: pumpkins and vibrant wreaths placed here and there, the smell of cinnamon spilling through the air. My classmates looked so cozy in their autumn attire, with boys in fitted sweaters with collared shirts and girls in thigh-high socks and houndstooth coats. The storm rolling in overhead tied the whole scene together with an electric buzz, like something exciting might blow in on the next gust of wind. If I squinted, I could almost believe that the timeworn stone turrets and ivy-covered walls around me belonged to a haunted castle rather than a party school.

A group of girls I vaguely recognized from my Perplexities of Theology lecture walked past us, calling out a greeting as they went.

I grinned and waved back, but as soon as they were gone I turned to my roommate. Do you remember any of their names? I whispered.

Will would know, Em murmured back, zipping up her coat as the wind picked up a little speed. He knows everyone’s name, he’s got, like, a perfect memory.

That doesn’t help us if he’s not actually here though, I said sadly. I would kill for a memory like that. The boys are all in that seminar ‘Cults of the US’ on Monday evenings, right? Maybe the professor is holding them back late; I heard she’s super strict.

In that case, she should have to feed us.

Oh! I still have half a scone from Company in my backpack, I remembered. It’s yours if you want it.

Chocolate chip?

I clutched my heart and made a show of looking offended. As if you have to ask. You really think I would buy one of the ones with fruit baked in? I hate those. It’s, like, food can be healthy, or it can be a pastry. Trying to do both is just reaching too far.

"Some people think the baked-in fruit tastes good," Em protested.

And I hope to God I never meet those people.

I crouched down to unzip my bag, landing in a precarious but well-practiced balance on my tiny black heels. I felt my skirt brush the ground as I searched for the scone and prayed that it hadn’t picked up a stain. It was my favorite skirt, emerald and pleated and so short that if my mother saw it, she might invoke my middle name. It was also one of the few remaining pieces of clothing I hadn’t ruined somehow in my two months of college.

There was something special about the dust that had collected at Wollstone over the past two and a half centuries. It was different from other old places; it could latch on to you and never let go. I had found this out the hard way, after I scratched a pair of pumps while climbing the iconic statue of school founder Ignatius Leahy on a dare and permanently stained a brand-new dress while hooking up with a pretty girl in a secret passageway.

Wollstone University had been founded by the Jesuits in Washington, DC, a few years before the founding of the country around it. Two and a half centuries later, it was still just as grand and intimidating as most ancient Catholic things. The school seemed to know when you passed through important places and touched famous things. It saw you as you walked over founding fathers’ footsteps. It witnessed every path you wore. For every mark you made on Wollstone, Wollstone made a mark on you.

The grounds were still traversed by presidents and princes, celebrities and socialites. Some of them were students, but others came for lectures, conferences, and clandestine meetings with our famous professors. It also didn’t hurt that Wollstone was located in DC, so kings and queens could wander through on their way to the White House, enjoying the tulip gardens and Gothic architecture before they went to finalize a treaty.

But the visiting dignitaries never seemed to get as dirty as I did. Maybe it was because those who ran the world stayed on the path; they never lounged on the lawn or explored underground tunnels. But somehow it felt more personal than that. Some obnoxious instinct insisted that I collected so much dust because the university knew I didn’t belong there, posing among the prestigious. I hadn’t earned my place, not yet. But maybe someday.

Ivy! Emilia huffed, with a volume and tone that made me think it wasn’t her first attempt to get my attention.

I shook my head, pushing the inner whispers of imposter to the back of my brain and refocusing on the present.

Sorry, I said sheepishly, as I stood up and gave her the scone. I was lost in thought.

I could tell, said Emilia, taking a bite of the scone. I was just saying, she continued, her words muffled by a mouthful of pastry, that I hope the boys have been kidnapped. Or murdered. Or possibly kidnapped and then murdered.

They weren’t that late, were they? I checked the watch draped around my left wrist, before remembering that the battery had died weeks ago. Hmm. I should probably fix that.

Loud, low-pitched barking echoed throughout the square, and I looked up to see what was making the noise. I saw a mountain of golden fluff moving toward us, tugging a woman in a brown tweed coat along after him.

Can I pet your dog? The words flew out of my mouth as I ran across the quad.

The woman had thick glasses and chalk-stained hands, so I guessed she was a professor. She gave me a nod and a radiant smile, and I dove down to dog-height quickly so I wouldn’t see Emilia rolling her eyes.

"Can we please get a dog?" I asked Em, smiling at the feel of my hand passing through fur.

We have a cactus! called my roommate.

That died three weeks ago, I countered.

I had never had a dog before, or any other pet. I wanted one for Christmas when I was a kid but my mom, who possessed ninety-five percent of the common sense for my entire family, had pointed out that my dad and I