The Endearing Light

Copyright © 2019 Cecile Czobitko.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, names, incidents, organizations, and dialogue in this novel are either the products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

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ISBN: 978-1-9736-7671-3 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-9736-7673-7 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-9736-7672-0 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2019915872

WestBow Press rev. date: 10/31/2019

Contents

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1

I often wondered why my name was Trudy Rendell, while my mother’s was Ellen Long. I well remembered the day I finally asked her why we had different last names. She sat me down and told me that I was only three years old when my father died in a car accident, leaving her to raise my three brothers and me all by herself.

My brothers were all older than me. Tony and Ryan were in their teens when our father died. Andy, the youngest of the three, was five years younger. When recalling my younger years, I could only remember Andy. I had no recollection of Tony and Ryan ever living with us. Mom said they left shortly after our father died.

My mother was a professional seamstress who made a living designing and sewing fancy dresses for weddings, graduations, proms, and other special occasions. While growing up, I often helped in her shop, doing odds and ends. What I liked most was when Mom used me as a live mannequin.

On one such occasion, while Mom was pinning a hem on the dress I wore, I asked her, Why don’t Tony and Ryan come to see us more often?

She looked up at me and said, Oh, I don’t know. They have busy lives, I guess. Why do you ask?

I’ve been thinking about what Andy said the last time he was here. About how Tony never comes to see us. Why is that? I answered.

Mom gave a sigh as she got up.

Well, Trudy, after your dad died, we had very hard days, she said. All we had to live on was what I took in from my sewing and the small amount the boys brought in. There wasn’t enough to pay all the bills, so I decided to rent out the basement room. That was Tony’s room at the time. It caused a big problem because Tony, the eldest, did not want to move out of his room and share a room with his two younger brothers. Tony figured he was the man of the house. He was eighteen and out of school. He was bringing home some money from the job he had, so he thought he should be the one to make the decisions. When I told him that we needed more money to make ends meet, he got very upset with me.

Mom paused as she looked to see if the hem she had pinned fell the right way. Then, she continued, Things got even worse when I rented the room to John. Tony made it known that he did not like John and tried to get his brothers to join in with him. He was so rude to John that I sometimes could have slapped his face. But I never understood the reason why he was behaving like he was. Finally, I realized it was because he was hurting and missed his father.

She finished pinning the hem and told me to take the dress off.

After I handed the dress to Mom, I asked, So what made him move out?

My mother did not answer; she just shook her head.

I could see that what had happened years ago was still a very sensitive issue. I sat beside her and put my hand on her arm. Sorry I asked, Mom. It’s okay if you don’t want to tell me.

Trudy, there are feelings that never go away. You were so little when your dad died. I tried so hard to make a good home for us, but Tony never saw it that way. To his reasoning the house was his father’s, and no other man was welcome to live in it. He even accused me of being unfaithful to his father. We had a bitter argument, he packed his things and left home the next day, Mom said, wiping away a tear that had rolled down her cheek. She looked at me and then continued, He never told me where he was going. For a month I worried about him. It wasn’t until I called my brother on his birthday, that I found out Tony was living with him. I was so relieved to know where Tony was, I never bothered to ask why he had never let me know.

I hugged Mom and said, Well, I think you took care of us very well. I don’t really remember Dad, but I remember feeling that something had changed. Maybe what I sensed was that Dad was not with us anymore, but John was. How long was it before you and John got together?

That made my mother smile. Oh, Trudy, you sure are inquisitive today. Well, with the rent John was paying and the odd jobs Ryan did, we settled into a new normal. After your other two brothers finished school, they left home, leaving just you and me. John started to stay longer after eating supper, or he would ask if I wanted to see a movie with him. After a while, I started to miss him when he was away. So, after two years of courting, five years after your dad died, we decided to get married.

I remember when you got married; it’s one of my best recollections. I was seven, soon to be eight. I remember being very happy to wear the beautiful white dress you had made for me.

Yes, and do you remember when we moved to the city?

Yes, I remember. I was so scared; everything was so different. There were so many houses in the city! I was scared to leave home because, if I did, I might not find the house again. Another thing that I remember was being left with a babysitter. That probably scared me even more, I replied, remembering the awful girl who babysat me.

Mom gave me a small smile and said, I never realized you felt that way. You never said anything; you didn’t even cry when I left you. I’m sorry for that.

It’s okay, Mom. I think it’s just part of growing up. I looked at the time and said, I told Joan I’d babysit tonight. Is John going to be home?

No, he’s not due back till next week, Mom replied, rubbing her eyes.

Oh, I thought he was going to be back tonight. I don’t like leaving you by yourself. Maybe I should call Joan and tell her I can’t make it.

No, Trudy, don’t do that. Joan told me she was going to a party to see her husband get an award. It’s too late to tell her you can’t make it.

Okay, but you know how I hate to miss my time with you. I better go get something to eat. Do you want me to make something for you?

No, dear, I want to finish this dress before I eat. You go ahead. I’ll be fine.

Mom, I think you should take a break. When was the last time you ate? I asked, concerned because Mom often worked long hours, forgetting to eat and to take care of herself.

Okay, Trudy, I’ll come have a quick bite, Mom said.

We went to the kitchen together. After I made her a sandwich, she quickly ate it and then returned to her work, leaving me on my own.

As I ate my sandwich, I thought about my relationship with John. He was a long-haul truck driver. Those hauls usually took him away from home for two weeks at a time. When he returned, he and Mom liked to have time to themselves, so I made myself scarce. When he was gone, I’d have my mom to myself again. He never let me call him Dad, but he provided for me like one. He never corrected me but would tell my mother when he thought I had done something wrong. John was very disciplined and expected me to be also. He disliked it when I left my stuff lying around and did not clean up after myself.

One thing that Mom and I disagreed with was John’s belief that there was no God. He said that religion was just for the weak. If there was a God, why was the world in this kind of state? Before mom married John, she would send me to Sunday school, but when we moved to the city she never did.

I was in my last year of high school, looking forward to graduation, which was only days away. I was very fond of this guy in my English class. When he asked me to be his date for grad, I said yes, hardly able to control my enthusiasm. Finn was tall and very charming. He was very popular with the kids at school; they liked to be around him. I thought that he was the handsomest guy at school.

My mother had been working on my grad dress all month, but I had not seen it. I had asked many times to see it, but Mom just kept telling me to be patient. She wanted it to be a surprise, so she made me wait until she had it finished. With Finn as my escort and the beautiful dress Mom was making for me, I knew that my grad was going to be just like I had always dreamed it would be.

With two days left before the grad, I asked, Mom, can I see the dress tonight?

Well, I suppose. You will have to see it eventually, she answered.

We made our way to her sewing room, and when we got there, she made me close my eyes as she went to take the cover off the mannequin that was wearing my dress. When I opened my eyes, I saw the most beautiful dress! The color was so special. The top of the dress was a light pink with the color gradually turning to a deep red at the bottom of the dress. It was a princess-style dress, with tiny pleats that went from the left shoulder diagonally across to the right side at the waist. At the waist, the pleats continued all the way down the one side of the skirt.

When I admired myself in the mirror, I saw that the dress fit my slender frame perfectly, making me look even taller. The red in the dress brought out my strawberry-blonde hair.

Oh, Mom, this dress is so beautiful! You’ve outdone yourself! Thank you so much! I exclaimed, giving her a huge hug.

I’m glad you like it. You do look very pretty in it. I was a little concerned that you would not like the color, Mom said as she came over to see how the hem fell.

Oh, not at all, Mom; it’s just perfect, I replied. I gave Mom another hug, and as I stepped back, I saw her flinch and touch her head. I held on to her and said, Are you all right? What’s the matter?

Oh, it’s nothing—just a little pain above my eye, Mom replied.

On graduation day my mom did my hair and makeup and helped me with the dress.

When Finn came to my house to pick me up, I introduced him to my parents. I was very surprised to see how shy he was in front of my mother and John. He greeted them politely and gave me a red-rose corsage. After my mom pinned it to the dress, Finn and I left for the grad.

As we were walking to his car, Finn said, Trudy, you look like a princess. That dress is very lovely.

Thank you, Finn. And you look very handsome in that tux, I replied as he helped me into the car.

Grad was quite an affair, with a delicious meal followed by a formal dance. We had a live band that played a wide range of music, from good oldies to current tunes. Although I was not a very good dancer, I enjoyed dancing with Finn. We did not stop dancing until the music stopped for the night. After the dance, we were invited to a beach party the grads were giving, but we only stayed a short time because I got so cold, all I could do was shiver.

Finn brought me home, and when we were on the front steps, he brought me close and kissed me.

After the kiss, he said, Trudy, I had a really good time. I’ll call you. Good night.

Yes, Finn, it was fun. I’d like that. Good night, I said and then went into the house.

Finn never called. I later learned that he had left town for the summer to work on a paving crew.

Life went on. I applied to a local college to attend an early childhood education course. I wanted to become a kindergarten teacher. I loved little kids, and when I got a summer job working as an assistant to help run a summer day camp for preschoolers, I couldn’t have been happier. A week into the summer, I arrived home to find my mother crying. When she saw me, she tried to hide her tears, but she knew I had seen them.

When I came closer to her, I saw that she looked very pale.

Mom, what is the matter? Why are you crying? I asked.

For a while she did not say anything; she just sat on the couch, looking at me.

Then, with her hands shaking, she patted the couch and said, Trudy, come sit by me.

I did as she asked.

Oh, I don’t know how I can tell you this. She reached for me, wrapping her arms around me, and said, Well, as you know, I’ve been having bad headaches for the last month. I went for tests last week, and today I went to see the doctor for the results. It’s not good. The doctor found a growth in my brain. I have brain cancer—the type not very many survive. He said I have only a year to live.

Mom covered her face with her hands and started to cry.

Oh, Mom, I said as I put my arms around her and held her until she stopped crying.

I could not find any words to comfort her. It felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. I just held my mom, as if by doing so it would make her all better. Oh! Where are my brothers, and where is John? I felt so frightened, and as I thought about Mom being sick, I started to cry.

Please don’t say anything to the boys; I want to tell them myself, Mom said, then, more to herself than to me, she added, Oh, how am I going to tell this to John? He was so looking forward to our future, with just the two of us.

I was in shock. How can this be happening to Mom? Oh, please, not my mom!

I wiped away my tears and asked, Did the doctor say there were any treatments for the cancer?

The doctor said I could try chemo, but he doesn’t think it will help. This type of cancer is very aggressive, and he has not seen many who have survived it, Mom replied.

Mom, how are you feeling now? Are you in any pain?

I just have a slight headache. The doctor gave me some painkillers, so I feel okay right now, Mom replied, then continued, I have an appointment at the cancer clinic tomorrow. John will be back tonight. He can come with me. I really don’t know how I am going to tell him this.

I could see how frightened she was.

I could come with you, I offered.

Oh no. You have the little kids to care for, Mom replied.

That was just like my mom, always concerned for others, always putting everyone else before herself.

For the remainder of the summer I continued to work with the kids. Most days, Mom seemed fine, but I could tell she was growing weaker. When I received my acceptance to college, I decided not to attend, but Mom would not hear of it. When I first applied, I was looking forward to attending college, but now Mom’s health gave me great concern. John tried to be home more, but he had a trucking contract; if he failed to meet the contract’s terms, he would not be paid. Mom kept her business going, but by the end of the summer, she stopped doing the fine details on gowns because she said it bothered her eyes. She still designed the dresses, but she left the sewing to the woman she had hired.

Once I was in college, John talked Mom into coming with him on a haul, but they soon found that the traveling only made the pain in her head worse. Although he hated to leave Mom alone, he had to keep on working. I’d go to college in the morning and return in the late afternoon. When John was away, I was Mom’s only caregiver. I saw Mom’s ability to concentrate gradually decline, and she would easily get frustrated. Early in the new year, when I returned home one day, I found Mom lying down in the dark; she said the light made the pain in her head worse. That was the first time I realized just how sick Mom was. I hated leaving Mom alone and was thinking of dropping out of school, but Mom said she wanted me to keep going. Oh, how I wished the school year would end, but it just dragged on. When it finally did end, Mom took a turn for the worse.

I was so thankful that I was done with school because Mom’s cancer progressed very rapidly. She could not care for herself any longer and needed twenty-four-hour care. Mom now spent most of her time in a dark room because light caused her even more pain.

John had been gone for two weeks. I found the responsibility of being the sole caregiver for Mom, overwhelming. One day, after I had settled Mom for her afternoon nap, there was a knock on the front door. I went to the door, expecting some person selling magazines, but there before me stood a well-dressed woman.

Hello, I’m Mary. You must be Trudy, she said.

Yes, what can I do for you? I asked. I wasn’t in a good mood and did not want to talk to anyone.

I’m here to see if I can help you. I know that your mother is sick. I have come to see if you need any help, Mary said.

It took me a few seconds to realize what she was saying.

Yes, I do need help, but I don’t know you, I replied, feeling some tears welling up in my eyes.

Trudy, I got to know your mother when she designed a dress for my daughter three years ago. You might remember my daughter. Her name is Alicia.

You’re Alicia’s mom? Of course, I remember her. I’ve been so worried; I just can’t think straight anymore, I said, relieved that I could accept Mary’s offer of assistance.

Is there anything I could do now? Mary asked.

Oh, it would be so helpful if you could stay with Mom while I go do some shopping. John has been delayed getting home. We’re getting very low on food.

Yes, I can stay with your Mom. Go do what you need to do; I can stay for as long as it takes, Mary said.

When I showed Mary to Mom’s room, Mom was sleeping peacefully, so Mary went to sit on the chair beside her bed. After thanking Mary, I left for the grocery store. When I returned and had put all the groceries away, I went to check on mom. To my surprise, Mom was awake and sitting up in bed. Something was different about her. Was that a smile I saw?

Mary had a book in her hands, and when she closed it, I saw that it was a Bible. Before I could say that