Hamster Wheel

Copyright © 2019 by Oak Richard Freedman.

Library of Congress Control Number:    2019905253

ISBN:                  Hardcover                        978-1-7960-3054-9

                            Softcover                          978-1-7960-3055-6

                            eBook                                978-1-7960-3056-3

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

This book is a work of non-fiction. Unless otherwise noted, the author and the publisher make no explicit guarantees as to the accuracy of the information contained in this book and in some cases, names of people and places have been altered to protect their privacy.

Rev. date: 10/01/2019

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PROLOGUE

There is nothing worse than hearing a grown man cry. This was a statement I took as gospel until I myself cried as a grown man, and I can tell you for a fact there are much worse things to hear. My first night in prison I heard one of them.

It was after 9:00 pm count when the prison shuts down and the men settle into their cell night life of watching T.V., drinking homemade wine, or passing the time with endless banter about the mundane prison activities that took place that day.

It was right at the time when it becomes apparent that your mobility has ceased to exist for the day until the powers that be decide to let you out of your concrete cage. A scream pierced the air that froze my blood. As I heard the squeaking of gym shoes and vibrations of noise from the scuffle in the cell next to mine, it became clear to me the guy I had come to prison with was in the fight of his life. It wasn’t a fight of superiority; it was a fight for manhood literally. I had no way of knowing at the time that he had been placed in the cell with a notorious monster of a man that preyed on young men new to prison. Fish is the term that’s used to describe new entry men.

The next morning I didn’t see the young man that had come with me on the bus, but I saw the guy he had fought with, and my heart went out to the youngster who was much like myself in age, stature and experience. This was a behemoth of a man standing 6’5" and well over 300 pounds. Yes, there really are men that big in prison and not on a football team or in a wrestling ring. He was being congratulated and patted on the back by several equally massive men for the brutal rape of the kid who had come with me on the bus. I made up my mind right then and there that I would not be a victim, and my mind began to envision ways to equal the playing field with guys who outweighed me by over 100 pounds. I did not have multiple life sentences then as I do today. I was 19 serving a 7 year sentence for a robbery of a convenience store.

Today I am over 3,000 miles away from the place I called home for most of my formative years of life. That event took place well over twenty years ago and was just one of the many instances in my life when I figured violence was the only answer to solving a problem. I have thought long and hard about what to write to a kid in a similar situation. I have second guessed myself many times, but my heart keeps pushing me to write, to share and to ultimately help in the best way I can.

There is a part of me that would like to go back in time to give advice to the younger version of myself, so I decided to reach out and offer that advice to the boys and young men with whom I share an intimate bond socially, culturally and unfortunately, institutionally because I fell prey to recidivism myself and am now living the life of a statistic in prison. Recidivism means falling back into old habits of crime after having been punished.

THERE IS HOPE! There is an answer. There is a better way. It is my fervent prayer to help you look at my story, yourself, and the predicament you’re in currently as to how you ended up here. Perhaps you can find out how to elevate yourself out of that mess without using the insane solution that I did —that is keep doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results.

So please, come with me on a journey of the impossible to talk to the younger version of myself. I pray that you will listen and not lose 20 years of your life and then wish you could go back in time only to find that you can’t.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Many years have passed since the author experienced the happenings of this book, yet the feelings remain vivid and can serve to remind the introspective that life’s precious days can be filled with forward, constructive progress or with repetitions of poor choices.

It was written to offer helpful tools to the youths who are currently being tempted to make decisions which can not only affect a large portion of their lives, but can also, as in the case of the writer, produce a sentence of life behind bars.

The reader will be able to experience some of the realities and emotions of living the life dreamed of by the armed robber as well as the dismal failures of those who take from others to have their own whims met.

Hoping that his life will fulfill some good purpose, this author has shared his innermost thoughts using the instruments of prose and poetry. Perhaps you the reader will recognize signs along your road of life that explode in your direction saying, Don’t enter this way!

If you find yourself already on the wheel of lost hopes, this book may provide a way for you to get off and even escape the cage of confinement. You may here learn that your spirit can soar as the eagles in perfect freedom by choosing a path where your Creator who loves you unconditionally not only matters, but comes first in your life. The author has requested that all proceeds from the sale of this book go to the humanitarian aid program of his church.

DEDICATION

This book is dedicated to my grandmother, to my mother, to the father I never knew, and to a friend to whom I owe everything in terms of its publication. She believed in me and in the hope that telling my story would help keep some soul out of prison and find a better way to live.

SECTION I

PERSPECTIVES FROM PRISON

By

Oak Richard Freedman

CHAPTER 1

WE ALL HAVE PIVOTAL MOMENTS in life, moments that can alter our course in life either for our benefit or our detriment depending on the perspective. As I highlight such moments in my life and give advice to my younger self, I ask that you look at yourself and take heed to what can and will happen if you don’t change the course of your own life.

• DON’T EVER SUCCUMB TO PEER PRESSURE !

The first thing I would tell young Oak is to never give in to peer pressure. I would also suggest that he study words carefully and see how their definitions do or do not coincide with his life and thought processes. A peer according to the Oxford English Dictionary definition means: a person of the same age, status, or ability as another specified person. The reason I suggest that you study and define words is because when you have a better than average understanding of what’s being said to you or about you, there is less of a chance of your being influenced by the way others see you. It is vital that you learn and that you remember who you REALLY are.

None of us actually knows where we are going, what we want to do, or who we really are when we are younger in life. Relying on the imitation of someone you admire, be it in the way they walk, talk, or interact with others is a sure fire way to stunt your personal growth and lull yourself into a false sense of security and self assurance because that same person you are imitating has just as many unanswered questions as you do. They have fears, doubts and identical learning curves to get over.

Remember, a peer is in fact the key to understanding that those around you are of EQUAL footing, NOT SUPERIOR to you! So, young men, blaze your own path.

The first highlight and pivotal moment in my life I want to focus on is DRUG USAGE. My mother battled substance abuse her entire life whether it was cigarettes, cocaine, or alcohol, so I understand drug addiction well. I don’t know who influenced my mother, but I do know who influenced me. An older cousin thought it would be fun to get me and his younger brother high off marijuana. I was only 10 years old. I was much too young to use any mind altering drugs, but it wasn’t about mind altering or getting high because I had no idea what getting high felt like. I wanted to fit in. I wanted to be accepted, and I wanted to be cool!

Here’s what I remember about that day. I inhaled deeply on the joint, so deeply that my chest hurt. I began to cough from the burning in my chest, and I didn’t like the smell. However, as my cousin whom I admired began to praise my efforts, I relished the praise and I continued to indulge in something I didn’t enjoy at all.

If any of this sounds familiar to you, I want you to know you can take back control of a decision you made in ignorance by first acknowledging that decision has not benefited you at all.

The only thing smoking marijuana has done for me is distract me from the harsh reality and irreparable damage of the poor decisions I made while I was under its influence. Every decision we make helps to shape our lives in the future. Trust me! I didn’t think of that day as pivotal or influential, but it was in this sense. Doing drugs is usually a social activity, and the people you socialize with are the closest thing to a view of the future. Where are all of your friends now? That cousin I admired so much eventually progressed in drug use and began smoking crack. He ruined his entire life with cocaine use and has effectively exiled himself from the family due to stealing from them to support his drug habit. Show me your friends, and I’ll show you your future.

CHAPTER 2

THE SECOND HIGHLIGHT I want to make is on another pivotal moment in my life that I feel damaged my ability to succeed in life more than any other. The thing I would tell young Oak is:

• STAY IN SCHOOL AND FOCUS on the PURPOSE not the process.!

DON’T DROP OUT!

School: (1) An institution at which instruction is given in a particular subject. (2) An institution for educating children. I can not speak for young white children or Hispanic for that matter, but I will not pretend that what I perceive to be a universal truth for people who grow up in poverty doesn’t plague all such youth irrespective of ethnicity.

Staying in school and not dropping out is simply not enough. There are countless men in prison today who have a hard time reading their cases, filing appeals, or even comprehending what is being filed on their behalf because they don’t have basic reading comprehension skills, and this fact applies to high school graduates.

Often times in school there is greater emphasis on fashion trends, who is socially acceptable, and who’s the toughest. All of these aspects of school may equally apply to all children regardless of race or class, but for the poor it is magnified by the cycle of identifying with materialism as success and by masquerading external opulence to try to prove that we have more than we actually have at home. As a result we wear $200.00 gym shoes, $150.00 jeans and designer shirts while living in housing projects and receiving welfare.

I remember being so embarrassed that I did not have the socially acceptable attire that I would skip school altogether in junior high. No child wants to be laughed at, teased, or bullied because they can’t afford to dress in a manner that permits them access to the cool kids’ circle. Again I suggest you re-read the definition of peer.

For those of us in neighborhoods that are poor, there are countless ways to make money very early, and all of them are illegal. This can be very tempting for children just looking to make enough money for the right sneakers and socially acceptable clothes to wear to school. This is a prime example of focusing on the process and not on the purpose.

School is for visionaries, young people that can see beyond today knowing that what