Peace by Piece

Copyright © 2015 Tessa.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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ISBN: 978-1-4917-6725-2 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4917-6726-9 (e)

iUniverse rev. date: 04/14/2016

Table of Contents

Chapter 1 Background

Chapter 2 Daddy's Little Girl

Chapter 3 Childhood

Chapter 4 Holiday Blues

Chapter 5 Mom

Chapter 6 Sweet 16

Chapter 7 God

Chapter 8 Brother

Chapter 9 Sister

Chapter 10 Husband #1 - Roy

Chapter 11 Husband #2 - Joe

Chapter 12 God's Intervention

Chapter 13 Husband #3 - Ross

Chapter 14 Me

Chapter 15 Pharmacy

Chapter 16 Dad's Death

Chapter 17 Boyfriend #1 - Troy

Chapter 18 Dentist

Chapter 19 My Revelation

Chapter 20 On-Line Dating

Chapter 21 Boyfriend #2 - Beau

Chapter 22 Boyfriend #3 - Randy

Chapter 23 Husband #4 - Kyle

Chapter 24 Psychiatric Hospital

Chapter 25 Step-Dad

Chapter 26 Son

Chapter 27 Boyfriend #4 - Sean

Chapter 28 My Job

Chapter 29 Update

Chapter 30 Boyfriend #5 -- Danny vs #4 - Sean

Chapter 31 Dreams & Journals

Chapter 32 Letters to the Dead

This book is

dedicated to all victims and survivors of abuse.

Only God can ease your pain and give

you true peace in your soul.

Foreword

(AS YOU READ THIS BOOK, PICTURE YOURSELF AS AN INFANT, 2 YEAR OLD, ETC.)

The following incidents are based on my life and are true to fact. I am a 54 year old incest survivor. Due to a multitude of incidents, other health issues, and an imbalance of my brain chemicals, I have been diagnosed by several doctors with the following: Depression, Bi-Polar II (Manic Depression) with Psychotic Features, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Schizoaffective, Suicidal Tendencies, Homicidal, Self-Mutilation, Body Memories, Dissociation, Emotional Detachment, Distortive Thinking, Agoraphobia, Diabetes II, Lymphocytic Colitis, Essential Familial Tremors, Left Bundle Branch Block- LBBB (heart issue), panic/anxiety attacks, and hypothyroidism. I also had Bells' Palsy in 2012, however, it went away in approximately a month. Doctors have estimated my depression began at around five years of age.

At some point in my adulthood, I found myself engulfed in the midst of an horrific abusive cycle that had been compounding for many years. I came to realize that the first real step to be taken in shattering this pattern was to recognize and take control of it -- and to stop letting IT control me. This would be the hardest job of my life (ongoing still). But I intend to get there.

When I meet someone new, one important thing I learned is to keep my past to myself for a while. It boils down to the fact that I've lived with this for 54 years and have had a long time to try to deal with this: how can I expect to tell someone else about my past all at once and have them understand when they have no clue how to deal with it. Trust me, this can cause bad reactions from someone you could have had a truly good relationship with.

If people in general don't acknowledge to themselves that they're caught in an abusive cycle, they can't possibly escape and conquer it. I consider this to be applicable in all types of abusive situations, regardless of if they are physical, emotional, sexual, etc., or related to drugs, alcohol, etc.

Hopefully this writing will allow others to see that there is a way out. Never give up on life and, if you have to, force yourself to realize that there is real hope and that your life really can improve. Life is what you make of it and true peace and happiness are attainable. There's a saying -- 'fake it till you make it'. At times I still tend to forget this myself. I feel like it's never ending abuse. But I keep trudging along. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, even if you can't always see it.

Chapter 1

Background

Maternal

When I was 15, I learned that my grandfather had molested my mother when she 13 years old. He high-tailed his backside out of town when confronted by my grandmother. I must commend my mother for telling my grandmother. It was very brave of her, especially when people snub you as an outcast. It was very difficult and taboo to speak of these happenings during those years when such issues weren't acknowledged.

My grandmother began to frequent bars and covert with her lovers, sometimes several at a time, literally. She was an extremely beautiful woman. Considering the horrors she had to deal with and her internal turmoil, I'm sure it was the only way she knew how to survive the horrible way this trauma had affected her. However, she couldn't see through the fog and consider her children at this point. She needed to survive.

My mother was the oldest of six children. At the young age of 16, she married my father. He was 21 and in the Air Force. He eventually moved her to his home state. My mother's five younger siblings were raised by relatives, an orphanage, and/or foster care.

My mother was young, inexperienced and had no self-esteem due to her horrific past. Accordingly, she was evidently unaware of how to face the world. This understandably led her through many years of heartache and denial in attempting to deal with her own past (let alone even noticing mine). I felt so all alone.

Please don't think I hate my mother. We never bonded when I was a baby/child/teen/adult. She's been living with me for the past four years, since about when I turned 50. Bonding started a bit at a time more recently. There are issues which we have been working on, without stating so, for these past several years and are making huge steps in the right direction. I love her very much. She was so young getting married that she hadn't had time to grow up herself. And her father should have been castrated for his actions. But, again, we have forgiveness.

Paternal

My father, I've heard, as a child was thought to have been molested by his father. He had extremely long gaps in his childhood that were completely void of memories.

Parts of him must have been OK. I saw how people treated him. He was loved by every one that I noticed. They liked his sense of humor and he generally seemed to be a good person, except when his dark side was showing, not in front of others.

At my great-grandfather's funeral, my father introduced me to his cousin (who was also his uncle). My great-grandfather had raped his step-daughter and they bore a son, who is the cousin/uncle. Why would he only tell me this? I found out later that he never even told my mother and that it really was true. Did he just feel the need to try to freak me out?

An aunt told me, when she was young, that my grandfather (her father) raped her, too. She went to live with a relative. She still was having nightmares in her 70's and, until his death, used to hide if he came to her house when her husband wasn't home. She would lay low until he would finally leave.

I was also told that my paternal grandmother slept in the room with her youngest daughter until she was 13, in order to protect her.

Once when I was small, I was trying to look in their bathroom mirror. It was too high for me to see in it. My grandfather walked by and picked me up so I could see. My grandmother walked by and started screaming at him to put me down. From that day forward, I thought she hated me and I felt extremely unloved by her. I had already lost my self-confidence. As an adult, I began to understand that maybe she was trying to protect me from him.