Pouring into an Empty Vessel: My Life, Married to a Sex Addict

Copyright © 2016 Mary Gillespie.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

This work is a memoir reflecting the author’s recollection of her experiences over a period of years. Names, locations, and the identifying characteristics of persons have been changed, and certain individuals are composites. Dialogue and events have been recreated from memory and in some cases have been compressed to convey the substance of what was said or what occurred.

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ISBN: 978-1-5127-0188-3 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5127-0190-6 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-5127-0189-0 (e)

WestBow Press rev. date: 12/21/2015

CONTENTS

Preface

Acknowledgments

Chapter 1 My Husband’s Childhood and How It Contributed to His Addiction

Chapter 2 Our Dating Life

Chapter 3 An Incident That Changed Will’s Life Forever

Chapter 4 Starting Our Life Together

Chapter 5 Our First Pastorate

Chapter 6 Our Second Pastorate

Chapter 7 The First Affair

Chapter 8 The Diagnosis

Chapter 9 Putting the Pieces Back Together

Chapter 10 Wandering in the Desert

Chapter 11 Restored to the Ministry

Chapter 12 Will’s Unexpected and Untimely Death

Chapter 13 Discovering the Relapse

Chapter 14 Understanding My Husband’s Brokenness

Chapter 15 Learning to Be Content with My New Normal—Forgiveness and Recaptured Joy

Chapter 16 Will, a Man Who Sought God’s Heart

Afterword

Resources

PREFACE

This book recounts how I have dealt with life’s issues based on my personality and my understanding of God’s will.

I have risked being authentic and honest. I was taught that what others think of you is important. As a pastor’s wife, I was always transparent, allowing my life to be an open book. However, I tried to use good judgment in what I permitted others to know. I felt that letting others see me and my family as normal and unthreatening would make it easy for them to share with me. Airing my husband’s dirty laundry was always difficult for me. It was easier to talk about my life than his.

In this book, I share intimate details of our life together to show how these things fed his addiction.

From day one of our relationship, I was protective of Will. In the beginning, I felt that people judged him unfairly. I knew him to be kind and good and wanted everyone to see the Will that I knew. I always believed that he would be successful in whatever he did.

I was taken aback when Will’s counseling revealed things that I never saw. I saw him as confident and secure, but he hid a lot from me. I have since learned the reasons for his insecurity and discovered why he concealed his sadness.

Some might say that it’s unfair to write about someone who can no longer respond or defend himself. But if Will were here and in a healthy place spiritually, mentally, and emotionally, he would agree with my decision to share his story in hopes that this account of his pain and mistakes might help others.

I do not want to draw attention to myself or to have people feel sorry for me. I wish to share my heart and to help those in relationships with sex addicts.

There is plenty of reason to believe that my life with Will was sad. There were certainly difficult stretches, but there were many more good, happy, and fun times. I loved my life and would do it over again.

When my husband’s relapse was revealed, I was devastated. I prayed that God would get me through this trial. I also prayed that He would reveal the truth and help me find all the missing pieces of the puzzle. He was faithful to do that.

I have some regrets. I regret that my children had to deal with a situation that they should not have had to face. They discovered certain facts and had to figure out how to respond. I regret that they had to know a dark side of their dad. Our friends and people at our church were also placed in a difficult position. They handled this challenge to the best of their ability. I don’t know what I would have done without my church family and my friends. They have forgiven Will and still love him.

I regret that Will and I were not able to live a long life together, retiring and spending good times with each other. I also regret not being able to confront him about the mess.

My biggest regret is that he couldn’t trust God, his children, good friends, or me to be his support and to make sure that he was accountable for his actions.

My one regret about how I handled our situation is that I didn’t process my feelings very well. Growing up, I found it easy to express my feelings. I was verbal and often got in trouble for being sassy and insisting on the last word. During the years I was dating Will and married to him, I lost my ability to express feelings. I wish that I had reconnected to my voice a lot sooner and used it.

In writing this book, it has been very hard for me to let others see Will’s dark side. I would never want to discredit the good that he did. I want people to love him and to remember all of that good. I believe that he would credit the Lord for working through him to accomplish these positive things.

As a girl, I memorized two Scripture passages that have become favorites. They are 1 Corinthians 13:1–10 in which Paul describes the kind of love that we must seek and Proverbs 31:10–31 in which King Solomon gives wives sound advice.

I hope you will read my story with an open mind and will try to understand the man I love. I hope you will recognize the good that he did, see his heart, and know of his love for God.

Will taught me many things. I loved his Bible classes and looked forward to his sermons. He taught me to love people as they were and not to judge. I’m very grateful for the years that I had with him and for our ministry together.

In writing this book, my greatest desire has been for God to help me find peace and closure so that when I think of my husband, the memory will bring a smile to my face and reassurance to my heart.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I am thankful for my personal relationship with Jesus Christ. He has been my strength, my hope, and my intercessor, looking after me when I didn’t have the sense to know what I needed or how to pray. I can’t imagine getting through my difficulties without Him and the hope that He gives.

I’m grateful for my children, who have allowed me to be honest in telling our story. They have permitted me to reveal intimate details about our family life and about their dad, whom they love and respect. They have also allowed me to see the fruits of my labor as a parent in the way that they have handled this difficult situation. They have been wise, mature, and spiritual beyond their years and beyond my expectations. They have offered wonderful support and have brought me much joy. I am so proud of them.

I am thankful for the staff at the music store where I’ve worked for many years. The people at this Christian-based company have been there for me spiritually and emotionally. They have been my loyal friends, providing support on my worst days. They were gracious in allowing me to type my manuscript while doing my job; otherwise, this could have been a five-year project.

My sister, my best friend, has been my earthly rock. I depend on her to be honest with me and give me wise counsel. I look forward to our retirement. We hope to spend time with children and grandchildren, do some traveling, and have fun together.

I’m also grateful to the members of my church family, who have been faithful through thick and thin. I was advised by many to seek another church, but I couldn’t imagine going through my pain with people who didn’t know me. I felt that my family had a history with the people at our church. They have been loving, forgiving, and supportive. In our eleven years of existence as a church, we have gone through a lot of troubled times, but somehow God has seen us through.

CHAPTER 1

MY HUSBAND’S CHILDHOOD AND HOW IT CONTRIBUTED TO HIS ADDICTION

(1951–67)

Will was born in 1951. At some point, his family moved to Miami, where his dad got a job with a construction company.

When Will was about three, his family relocated to Tennessee, where his father started his own construction company, which became very successful. The town, which was south of Nashville, had only dirt roads, small, wood-frame houses, a school, a church, a small grocery store, and a bar.

I think Will would say he had a good childhood. He had a brother, who was two years older, and several friends. He spoke of roaming the dirt streets with his BB gun, playing in ditches after a summer rain, and enjoying many good times with his friends. His parents did a lot of fishing, and the family often spent its vacations on fishing trips.

Several of Will’s aunts and uncles came to live in Tennessee. His mother was the oldest of six children and was considered the family matriarch. Her parents had health issues, and her five brothers were unstable. Will’s dad provided jobs for them and sometimes housing or other needs. He was the go-to person in his family.

When Will was small, his parents did a lot of drinking, partying, and fighting. He told me that the fighting had scared him. He hated to see his mother become upset and cry. Will was a sensitive child and had a tender heart. He defended his mother and felt her pain. Yet he never seemed to do that for me.

His mother had many health problems. When Will was very young, one of her kidneys had to be removed. He told me that he had worried about his mother dying.

I think Will’s mother was aware of his feelings and used them to satisfy her needs. From early childhood, Will felt responsible for meeting her emotional requirements. He was easily manipulated.

His mother suffered health troubles throughout her life. When I became part of the family, I saw that she used her illnesses to seek attention and to manipulate family members. I thought some of her illnesses were concocted. She often ignored doctors’ orders and took her medications as she thought best. Her self-diagnoses were frequently based upon other people’s stories about their illnesses. She enjoyed sharing her medical history.

When Will was about nine, his mother started going to a neighborhood church. She