The Daddy Gap

Copyright © 2014 Dawn Walker and Matt Haviland.

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ISBN: 978-1-4908-4995-9 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4908-4997-3 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4908-4996-6 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2014915899

WestBow Press rev. date: 10/23/2014

Contents

Dedication

Acknowledgements

Foreword

Introduction

1. The Space Only a Dad Can Fill

2. In Distress—Today’s Orphans and Widows

3. Where Did All the Dads Go?

4. His Gap - Unprepared

5. Her Gap - Unprotected

6. Tell Me There’s a Plan…For Us

7. Who Is Responsible—Church or State?

8. Standing in the Gap

9. What Defines a Dad?

10. One or Undone

11. Closing the Gap

12. Restored

Epilogue

Appendix

Endnotes

Dedication

For all whose hearts have been broken by a Daddy Gap…

Instead of shame and dishonor,

You will enjoy a double share of honor.

You will possess a double portion of prosperity

In your land,

And everlasting joy will be yours.

~Isaiah 61:7

Acknowledgements

While this book primarily addresses the plight of single mothers and their kids in the absence of a father in the home, we want to begin by acknowledging that approximately 16 percent of single parent families are actually headed by a custodial single father. We applaud you dads who are not only honoring your responsibility as fathers but who are carrying the weight of parenting alone as well.

We also want to acknowledge those single fathers who have shared custody and are doing everything in their power to be present and invest in the lives of their children. Our concern with fatherlessness is meant in no way to diminish you or the role you play in your child’s life. We commend you for your commitment to stay involved and make sure your kids know they are loved and wanted. You matter more than you can imagine.

And to all dads who are honoring your marriages, loving your wives and intentionally fathering your kids…you are heroes and you are needed to help show others the way.

However, we must acknowledge that there is something deeply wrong in our country when as many babies are being born to single moms as there are to married parents. This is a crisis for this generation and for the next and it is a harvest field that is desperately short of workers. We want to personally acknowledge some friends and partners in ministry who are out front taking courageous action to turn the tide.

Thank you Arise Ministries, and co-founders Pam Kanaly and Shelley Pulliam, for pioneering national single mother conferences, and developing resources that help single moms around the world create healthier homes. Thank you Jennifer Maggio, for being a strong voice of hope for single moms and for bringing resources and awareness of this ministry need to churches on a global scale. Thank you Linda Jacobs for your heart for nurturing children of divorce and for the wisdom you bring from devoting more than 20 years to ministering to single parent families. Also, thank you to John Sowers and The Mentoring Project for your vision and action to help fatherless kids find trustworthy mentors. And to organizations such as the National Center for Fathering for your supreme leadership in teaching, encouraging, and championing dads in all walks of life. You help keep the backbone of this country strong by consistently pouring into men and fathers.

We also want to acknowledge those churches that see this great need and are following God’s call to minister to single parent families in an intentional way. You are a true light in the darkness! A special thank you to Gateway Church in Southlake, TX for giving us a glimpse inside your thriving single parent family ministry and a vision of how to help kids heal from the pain of an absent father.

Personal Acknowledgements - Dawn

I want to thank my parents, Jerry and Virginia Mantela, for your example of faithfulness in marriage and for all the sacrifices you made so I could follow the dreams God planted in my heart. Without you, Dad, my car would not be running and my house would be dark because I never change the light bulbs. Thank you for standing in the gap and showing your grandson how a man does things like drive a tractor, hammer a nail, and take a coffee (or ice cream) break at the right time! Mom, thank you for all the groceries you stocked in my refrigerator, and for being the kitchen fairy who cooked and cleaned during your visits so I could work and write. Most of all, thank you both for showing Christ’s love by every sacrificial investment you’ve made.

To Ethan, thank you for your grace for me as a single mom who falls short daily. Thank you for your sweet hugs, your funny comments and your inspiring prayers. I’m so proud of the strong, courageous young man you are and the world changer you are becoming. I believed from the day you were born that God had great plans for you and I know He will make good on all His promises.

To Benjamin and Emily Monroe, thank you for your precious friendship. I will never forget the ways you have come alongside to help Ethan and I…or the monkey food you gave me when I was hungry! Time really does reveal true character, and I’ve watched you both be true to everything God has called you to as individuals, in your marriage, and as parents to your wonderful children. You are rare and remarkable people.

To Linda, my best friend since we were three years old, thank you for always believing in me. Without you partnering with me and being so generous with your time and talents, my ministry and this book may never have made it past the drawing board.

And to my co-author and friend Matt Haviland, thank you for seeing the vision and for embracing this project with such enthusiasm and dedication. Your voice has brought a balance and insight to this hard topic that I couldn’t have brought on my own, and your humor always lifts me; I echo the echo of your echo! Most of all, thank you for giving me a glimpse of your heart as a father and how you adore your girl, Olivia. Hearing the depth of your love for her and how much you delight in her has given me a new understanding of my Heavenly Father’s heart for me.

To my spiritual family at Quest Community Church in Lexington, KY, thank you for your extreme and remarkable grace and for loving and leading me through the hardest season of my life. Pastor Pete, I will never forget your words when you invited me into a leadership opportunity right after I became a single parent: Sometimes, when you’ve had a really hard season it means God has something big in store for you. Thank you for seeing past my brokenness and believing what God had for me before I could believe it for myself. I wouldn’t have the courage to follow Jesus like I do today without your example. Pastor Jim, thank you for listening and acting on my pleas to help the single parent families in our community. I will never forget the day you helped me tell my son what happened to his dad and the day you sat at the park for hours listening to several of us single moms share the distress we were experiencing. Pastor Helen, thank you for your voice of truth and encouragement. You inspire me to believe Jesus for the impossible! And to Michael and Ginny Riensche, thank you for your continuous love and compassion. To my lifegroup, thank you for loving me in my mess and for being a weekly dose of joy to me. You are the best friends a girl could have this side of heaven.

Finally, to my new church family, Kentwood Community Church in Grand Rapids, MI, thank you for embracing Ethan and I in a way that made us feel loved and wanted from day one. Pastor Kyle, thank you for your encouragement and your example of what it truly means to be a father to the fatherless. And to the strong community of men here who father and mentor others in such great and selfless ways, thank you for standing in the gap for my son; for inviting him into the game and for showing him the way to godly manhood. I hope you all hear your Father’s well done!

Above all…I am grateful to my Savior and Lord Jesus Christ. You are the love of my life. Thank You for the lengths you went and still go to pursue me, and for the price You paid to bring me back to my Father.

Personal Acknowledgements – Matt

To all of the godly men who have poured into me over the years, thank you. It begins with my best friend, Pastor Daniel Jackson. Two decades of friendship and encouragement between us have helped to shape and mold me into the man I am today. I thank God every day for our friendship, and for you; for never giving up on me…even when I was giving up on myself.

To my brother Dave, who has not only been there as a blood brother, but better yet, as a brother in Christ. I am so proud of the man you have become and the way you lead Jacob and your family. Thank you for being an example to your big bro along the way. Together, we have seen the depths of darkness, but now because of His grace and mercy we stand as bold witnesses to the truth and salvation of our Lord.

And to countless other mentors, accountability partners, and friends—Brian, Tim, Vince, Ardo, Scott, Clare, Kevin, and so many others—words cannot begin to describe the security and confidence I have knowing a group of soldiers like you have got my back, whenever and wherever. I pray to always have yours too.

And to my co-author Dawn…it is simply amazing how God can use one event and an email to join together two ministries and lives to bring forth an amazing vision. I cherish our friendship and cannot wait to see what He has in store next!

To Olivia, Once again I find myself writing you in a book dedication, and once again I am at a loss for words. As I’ve said thousands of times, behind my salvation, you simply are the greatest blessing I could have ever received. You shine brighter and brighter with each passing day and I pray you always know just how much I love you. I can honestly say with everything I have in me that I have never been so in love with someone as I am with you; and I couldn’t be more proud of you. Thank you for allowing me to be your daddy, and I pray to always continue to bring you up in God’s Word and statutes. You are, now and forever, my little girl.

Finally, to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ; You took the beating, nails, and death that I deserved—and You did it in perfect love. You have led me and continue to do so every week, day, minute, and second of my life. Not a moment goes by that I ever doubt that You are still doing good work within me. Thank you, my Lord, for being the perfect example of what a man of God looks like. I pray to continue to die daily, pick up my cross, and follow You with everything I have. Thank You, my Lord, for continuing to pour Your love and forgiveness over me and my daughter’s life. Thank You, my God, for never leaving me nor forsaking me. Thank You, Jesus, for loving me, dying for me, and entrusting me with so much for Your Kingdom. I love You, Lord. Thank You.

Foreword

Wow! I just have to say wow! As I started to read The Daddy Gap, I was taken back to my own childhood where my father was absent. I could completely relate to the stories of abandonment, abuse and pain and cried through the first three chapters. But I was also so encouraged to read how God has not forgotten the fatherless, even though the Church often seems to.

As someone who travels the country working with singles and single parents, and some great churches that do minister to them, I have to say this is an amazing book that brings the real distress of this situation into the light and captures the struggles, the sacrifices, the choices and the victories of single parents that most people never see. More importantly, Dawn and Matt give us real solutions to the real problems facing our country. Is it the state’s responsibility to feed the widows and orphans? Or is it the Church’s…you and I? When you read this book you will come away understanding so much more about a demographic that is often treated but not cured. Your stereotypes will be broken as you get to know some of these courageous families who may be struggling but who have the faith it takes to stay strong in the storms. Finally, you will learn that out of the great needs single parents have, the greatest are to belong, to be loved and valued, and to be included in the work of the Lord’s kingdom.

Having spent time with both authors and gotten to know their ministries, and now fully hearing their personal journeys, I am convinced that God has anointed them to bring this message of hope to single parents and to help the Church know how and what to do with these precious families. Dawn and Matt…amazing job. I pray this book will open a lot of hearts and a lot of doors in ways you can’t begin to imagine, and I pray churches will seek you out as well, wanting to do what they are or aren’t doing better.

Whether you are a pastor, leader, educator or single parent, you will love this book. You may cry at times too as you read it, but you will also rejoice in knowing what you can do to make a difference in the life of a single mom, single dad or fatherless child. So what is next, what are you willing to do about the gap? Start today to pray for your part in reaching the fatherless of our nation and the world.

~ Kris Swiatocho, Director of TheSinglesNetwork.org Ministries and author of Jesus, Single Like Me.

Introduction

When I was a little girl, a dream was planted in my heart that one day I would write a book. I even set my life and education on course to be a writer, majoring in English and Journalism and taking a job at a publishing company just out of college. But as is the pattern in all of God’s creation, the planting of the dream had to be followed by a death before it could be reborn and spring up into the harvest that He had always intended. That death part had not been factored into my plans. Many years of darkness passed in my life, years where I felt buried, suffocating, stuck…afraid that the dream would never be realized. Then giving up on it altogether as it was all I could do to simply survive.

But when we are flatlined, God is doing His best