Grandparenting Teens: Leaving a Legacy of Hope

— PART I —

THEY LOVE YOU WHEN YOU’RE THERE

Chapter 1

EVEN WHEN YOU’RE OLDER THAN DIRT

I didn’t know my grandparents. They were distant and old, like where they lived. One pair had settled in the small-town flatlands of Ryan, Oklahoma. It has a population of 6,000. And the other took up residence in the Kansas town of Concordia on the windswept plains in the middle of nowhere. Get the picture? By the time I was twelve, all my grandparents were in bad shape. They didn’t seem to care much about my brother, my sister, or me.

I knew my dad’s dad as one who was in and out of a nursing home. I remember watching him take out his teeth at dinner and eat bread that was soaked in milk. I don’t remember him ever saying a word to me. There was never a connection between us.

My dad’s mom was a quiet lady. She never said much of anything, but she laughed a lot. She traveled into the Oklahoma Territory in a covered wagon and lived in a log cabin in her adolescent years. Her dad had a huge mustache. She was not much for conversation, but she loved to make chocolate cake. Every time I see a chocolate cake, I think of her chocolate cake—but not much else.

The only thing I can remember about my mom’s dad are his views of anyone who wasn’t white, and let’s just say his views don’t bear repeating. He also didn’t have time for us, so we never made time for him.

My mom’s mom was frail and somewhat critical in spirit. I never saw her laugh, never enjoyed being with her and my grandpa, and couldn’t wait to drive away from that little north Kansas town whenever we were there.

You now know the total of all my memories of my grandparents. Isn’t that sad? In just five short paragraphs, you know everything about the roles my grandparents played in my life (or didn’t play, which is more like it). It’s not that I hated them. I just wasn’t sure I loved them, as it’s hard to love someone with whom you have no relationship. There were no values or morals transferred. There were no stories of family traditions of fun times together. Never a mention of what they believed or hoped for. No instruction. No wisdom shared. And, sadly, no love lost when each passed away.

I grew up with the notion that grandparents were people you saw occasionally, who retired at sixty-five, and were dead by seventy, people who exerted little or no influence on their grandkids or made any real impact on them. I am determined to be a different kind of grandparent than that.

WHEN A RELATIONSHIP CAN GROW

So when my daughter told me when I was forty-six that I was going to be a grandfather, it scared me to death. I had no idea what I was supposed to do or what this grandparenting thing was supposed to look like. My examples were negative and unlike the kind of grandparent I wanted to be.

But I was excited. Deep down, I knew a new adventure was about to unfold. I couldn’t wait.

My first thought upon hearing, You’re going to be a grandpa! was, I can’t be that old. I was somewhat hesitant to admit to others that I was going to become one. I never thought the young lady I started dating in the ninth grade and married six years later would end up being a grandparent with me. Did that mean I was going to be sleeping with a grandma the rest of my days? The whole concept of this new role petrified me. I even remember telling my daughter, I’m probably not going to do well with this grandchild until they reach their teens… so don’t expect much.

When the day came, I waited outside my daughter’s birthing room and I wondered what this grandpa thing was going to be. Then I heard this little six-pound, eight-ounce newborn cry seconds after my granddaughter was born, and my life changed forever. It was a heart change that mellowed this type-A personality into a pup. I couldn’t quit crying. I couldn’t take enough photographs.

The first time I actually held my granddaughter, I wondered if my grandparents ever held me when I was born. I wondered if they felt the same thing the first time they saw me. I don’t think they did. I determined right then to do it differently. I wanted to have a relationship with my grandkids. I did not want to be remembered as someone who ate milk-soaked bread and never spoke, one who made racist comments, one who was critical all the time, or one who just made a great chocolate cake.

I wanted, and still want, to leave a legacy—something that makes a profound difference in the lives of my grandkids. I want to influence them in the best possible ways, ways I know that only I can. Of all the grandparents and all the grandkids in the world, mine were chosen for me. I take that seriously. It is an honor and a privilege. I want to leave them a legacy of hope.

If that legacy is to be, you have to work at the relationship continually. I knew that I would have to experiment with new ways of connecting rather than those I observed in my years of being a grandchild. And I knew that if I wanted to remain a part of their lives beyond their preteen years, I was going to have to make that happen.

I believe this: God (with the help of medicine) is keeping you around a little longer so you can have influence, impact, and a make a marked impression on the lives of your grandkids. That’s the legacy I mentioned earlier.

If you’re going to be involved in the lives of your grandchildren and desperately want to make a mark on their lives, then that relationship needs to be active and up to date. You have to understand their world for the words, guidance, and wisdom you’ll need. You have to change with the times. You have to make adjustments. Pursue their hearts on their terms. Learn to bite your tongue. Determine when to speak, and when not to, and when you have enough of their attention so they can feel a sense of rest with just you.

I know because I’ve spent the last forty years watching grandparents get involved in the lives of their grandkids. We have had over three thousand kids live us through the years at Heartlight, our residential counseling center for struggling teens. I’ve seen the impact many grandparents have had, and an equal number of failures to connect from other grandparents. Certain traits connect grandkids to grandparents, and there are behaviors that prevent positive, impactful relationships from ever happening.

Your grandkids need you now more than ever, especially in their teen years. God has a plan to use you as a messenger of timeless truth in their ever-changing world. Your position is unique. Your relationship is paramount. Pursue it well. Make the most of the years you have to invest in the lives of your grandkids. Be a message of truth in their ever-changing world.

THEY’LL CHOOSE YOU IF YOU CHOOSE THEM

It was a hot, humid day in East Texas—one of those burning, scorching days where Texans wish they were somewhere a thousand miles north of where they live. It was so hot that the only places to battle the heat were inside with the air conditioning cranked up, outside in the swimming pool, or playing in the sprinkler in your front yard.

Maile, my first granddaughter, chose the new, turtle-shaped sprinkler. She was nineteen months old and spending the day with Mamaw (my wife, Jan). The heat lingered on this Texas afternoon.

I was driving home from work and turned into our driveway, a hundred-yard road that leads to our home. As soon as I pulled in, I could see Jan in the front yard. The turtle sprayed cool water. Maile stood in the front yard butt naked, laughing and jumping through the spraying fountain of water.

As I drove up, Maile spotted me and immediately sprinted toward me. Seeing her, I stopped my truck and got out to hear her screaming excitedly at the top of her lungs, Poppa! Poppa! Her little arms were waving, and her legs ran toward me as fast as they could.

I stood there and all of a sudden, everything went into slow motion. My brain wanted to stop and take it all in. My heart just wanted to savor the moment. The innocence of that simple moment, watching this tiny little girl in nothing but her shoes, so excited to see her Poppa, immediately brought tears to my eyes and such joy to my heart. I laughed and cried at the same time. And I knew… I mean, I knew from the bottom of my heart that I had a place in hers.

She jumped into my arms. I stood there, holding this soaking wet, twenty-pound little girl as she hugged my neck, begging me to play in the sprinkler with her. Later Jan told me she had never seen me smile as big as I did that day. I joked with my wife that she would see me smile like that more often if she greeted me like Maile did every time I arrived home.

That day revealed how special my relationship with my granddaughter was, and continues to be, as is my relationship with all my grandchildren. I promised myself I would do the work necessary to keep it going.

That promise was pretty easy to keep the first twelve years of Maile’s life. During that period, I could do no wrong. When your kids first have kids, you ooh and ahh over that new baby and bring on the gifts. The sheer cuteness factor of the child keeps grandparents attached and connected. Matter of fact, grandparents might even score a coffee mug that says, World’s Greatest Grandpa (or Grandma), or a T-shirt that states, Grandpa: the Man, the Myth, the Legend or SuperGrandma during your grandkids’ elementary school years.

Once Maile reached middle school, keeping our relationship special became harder. The competition for time with her increased, and I realized if I didn’t remain a part of her life, the bond I’d committed to maintaining would soon be a casualty of adolescent interests taking her to greener pastures.

As your grandkids get a little older, their social circles grow as well. The amount of time they have for you becomes scarcer. As they enter their teen years, time with grandparents gets pushed to the side. Other interests take your place during your grandchildren’s teen years.

Before you know it, they’re off to college, and the distance in space and time grows even larger. Then they get married, and the time slot once reserved for grandparents shrinks more. Once your grandchildren have kids, just about the only time your grandchildren see our crown of old men is on holidays, in an occasional album photograph, or on Facebook. If they still use a phone, we might get a quick catch-up cell call.

I’m sure you’ve attended many funerals of grandparents where the only mention of interactions with the grandkids were those that took place during their preteen years. It’s the busyness of a teen’s schedule that tends to eliminate those grandparents who aren’t intentional and calculated about their involvement in the lives of their teen grandchildren.

It’s important to remember your role in their lives is still vital. You have to make it happen. You have to be the one who pursues the relationships during their teen years because of their calendars and crunch times, which are the beginning of the great divide. It’s hard to recover real relationship in your later years.

Amid all the choices your grandkids have in their lives, you can help them make spending time with you an easy decision. Because they sense your love for them that has been demonstrated through your active pursuit of a relationship with them.

So make it an easy choice.

MAINTAIN IT

That’s really what this book is all about. Understanding the world your grandkids live in and figuring out how to be part of it. Period. Their world is different from the one we grew up in. A grandparent’s greatest challenge is to determine how to remain relevant and needed, just as you did in the early stages of this special relationship that changed your world the moment they entered it

While you might have been quite active in your grandkid’s lives when they were preteens, a whole new strategy of involvement has got to be determined if you want to continue that beneficial involvement during their adolescent years when they need you the most. Just as their lives are changing, so must you. You can’t keep correcting their mistakes. You’re going to have to accept some things in their lives that weren’t acceptable in yours. Your communication style has got to change as they mature and need to hear a different message that pertains to their stage in life.

It was easy for me to quote scripture, share stories, and tell jokes to my grandchildren during their preteen years. They listened to every word I had to say. Whatever we did, they loved because Poppa was spending time with them. Then they became teens and distractions started to pull their attention in other directions. As my grandkids’ lives become more complicated and serious, my role leaned more toward sharing wisdom about dating, boyfriend breakups, and exposure to a whole new world they were entering. I helped them find answers to the questions they were asking. And then my grandparenting style had to shift when they reached their adolescent years.

You’ve got to allow your grandkids to become young men and women, to become husbands and wives, and eventually, moms and dads. Lord willing, one day they’ll even be grandmas and grandpas. And your legacy can continue through them into their own grandchildren.

There is a great need for a connection with you when they don’t even recognize it. They may be faced with new challenges so you must resolve to transform your grandparenting style to continue to be where you are a safe place, a place where you listen more than you speak, encourage more than you correct, and laugh more often with them than you become upset by their actions.

Don’t think a yearly vacation together is enough to keep the relational fires burning between you and your grandchild any more than a once-a-year connection with friends maintains real relationships. It’s not where you vacation, it’s how you get there that makes the difference. Kind words, interest in their world, asking what they think, and humble offers to help any way you can all year-long make that annual vacation a memory builder and unforgettable experience.

Here’s my point: You’ve got to make the relationship happen.

THEY’RE GROWING UP

Your grandchild is busy growing up, becoming social, maturing, and trying out independence in their teen years. All that growth and maturity try to push grandparents right out of the picture. Don’t let it.

You have a choice to make. You can allow the relationship to fade or take the role God has placed before you. All grandparents can have a positive influence on kids even in a day and age where influential relationships are in short supply and low demand. It’s not as much about what you do as it is creating an atmosphere where relationships can grow. It’s about adapting to their world where they can learn more about who you are.

Here’s another piece of advice: Do it now. Time is flying by and we’ll be gone before we know it.

I don’t want to go and have my kids or grandkids shed tears over a sense of regret that Momma and Poppa weren’t involved in the life of his family. I want them to cry tears of joy that Momma and Poppa have been involved in every stage of their lives.

Chapter 2

WHY GRAY HAIR IS AN ADVANTAGE

The glory of young men is their strength, but the splendor of old men is their gray hair.

PROVERBS 20:29 (ESV)

What do your grandkids call you?

Soon-to-be grandparents wrangle over what they want to be called. I tell them it doesn’t matter what the kids call you; you’ll love whatever name they attach to you.

I’ve heard some crazy ones just to prove my point. And grandparents like them.

Busoma, BooBoo, Oompa, Suggy, Bop-Bop, Botchie, Amma, GaGa, Bearbsie, Poppa Bear, Bla-Bla (now, that’s an interesting one), Birdie, Big Grandpa, Bomp, and, of course, Bobaloo.

Call grandparents whatever you want. Make fun of all the various nicknames but when a child calls you by a special name, a grandparent feels wanted and needed.

My grandkids call me Poppa in front of me. I’m sure they say other things behind my back. But Poppa pretty much gets my full attention. Once when I was in Moscow, Russia, a young girl ran up to me and said, Poppa! Evidently, that’s a common word for fathers in Russia, and she immediately had my attention. She then said, Take me! She said only three words, but because she said, Poppa, she had my immediate attention. I felt I should do whatever she said. I even called Jan and told her we should adopt her. There’s something special that happens when you hear the name you were given by a grandchild.

I must say I spoil my grandkids. I give them just about anything they want. It’s what grandparents are supposed to do. When they want to go somewhere, want something special, and need something, I’m pretty much a sucker for helping any way I can.

As they get older, I want to keep that same position in their lives. I want to connect when they’re going somewhere, wanting something, and needing more, which can’t be satisfied by the expenditure of cash but by sharing wisdom and counsel.

Please hear once again that my intent isn’t to circumvent or go around the parents as if to somehow hold a higher position in a child’s life.

My intent is to be a helpmate to my kids and to support and encourage their desires for their kids. A voice from outside the home (a grandparent’s voice) can affirm and support, as well as uphold rules, expectations, and the desires of the parents in the lives of grandkids. I want to help my kids and grandkids by giving a different perspective that still ends up at the same place. It just starts from a different spot.

Maybe it’s the gray hair that attracts kids to me. Or maybe it’s the mustache I wear in the style of the 1880s that reassures them they’re talking to an old guy who might just have some