Men Too: Unspoken Truths About Male Sexual Abuse

REVIEW OF

Men Too

While sexual assault is a most violent crime and violation against an individual, child sexual assault is among the most abhorrent acts. Not only is the assault (or assaults) traumatic, but the betrayal of trust and potential longterm effects of the assault often mean that the individual has problems for many years, even for life. When one hears of child sexual assault, an initial thought might be that a young female is the victim. However, increasing numbers of media reports and accounts are revealing that males, especially young males, are victims too. Although the revealing of male sexual assault is important in dealing both with perpetrators and the conditions that enabled such assaults to occur, comparatively little is known about the experiences of male sexual assault survivors from their own perspectives. This information is important, not only to hear their accounts and stories of how they survived and cope but to gain understanding about the ongoing effects they deal with and to suggest how therapists might better help such individuals. Moreover, the author, Dr. Kelli Palfy, also states that the book is intended to help male survivors of sexual assault. While Dr. Palfy is a practicing Registered Psychologist, she had previously been a Royal Canadian Mounted Police officer who worked extensively with sexual assault victims and the pursuit of the perpetrators of the assaults. In consequence, she has a broad and extensive range of experience dealing with sexual assault survivors, both from the front line and from the perspective of a therapist. She also notes that initially she did not consider that there were many male sexual assault victims. Her discovery that this idea was wrong motivated her to study male sexual assault and from the perspective of the survivor. The accounts of 13 male sexual assault survivors are presented with comments and analyses.

Dr. Palfy jumps in immediately by describing Jacob’s experience and makes the important point that, in many cases, assaults go unreported because of myriad reasons, including that in many contexts, the discussion of sex is taboo and there appears to be little support available to ameliorate and redress the situations that led to the assault, or tragically, the many assaults. Good historical background is provided with excellent connections to current and recent events and scholarly literature. Similarly, clear descriptions are provided about definitions, what constitutes the identification and etiology of a pedophile, and the various methods that have been used by such individuals to groom potential victims by referring to actual cases beyond this study.

The accounts from the 13 participants reflect often different circumstances, outcomes, and long-term effects. Abusers range from family members and relatives to members of the community, such as teachers, coaches, and priests. The abuse is sometimes of relatively short duration and in some instances occurred over several years. The information revealed is vivid and often disturbing. Nevertheless, it must be borne in mind that these events occurred and that the accounts are from the actual survivors. The book is excellent in weaving together the accounts of the survivors, as well as explanations and clarifications by the author. Throughout the book are highlighted summaries of important information, such as how one can recognize if a child is being groomed and was I really a victim? More extensive discussion of such matters occurs later on in the book.

Discussions concerning why many men do not disclose, examination of the specific reasons given, and the long-term effects of sexual abuse on males are also presented. In some respects, the effects of the sexual abuse on the survivors are as disturbing as the accounts of the actual abuse with some survivors experiencing, among other things, posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), memory loss, suicidal thoughts, shame, and questioning their sexual identity with resulting problems forming adult romantic relationships. While some of the 13 survivors show remarkable resilience and live reasonable lives as adults, a key point made in the book is that sexual abuse is always damaging.

That all of the survivors were receiving help is a most positive aspect of the book. While the reasons for seeking help are varied, therapy appeared to be beneficial to all. In spite of what the survivors went through, there remains a general reluctance to disclose and share experiences. Apart from fear of negative repercussions, there is a perception that it remains culturally unacceptable for men to be victims (p. 127). The author also addresses social and faith issues as the result of surviving sexual assault and provides extensive discussion about these matters, again with a focus on helping survivors and practitioners.

The book is not only a powerful testament of male sexual assault survivors, but it also provides an extensive and scholarly analysis of the factors contributing to male sexual assault, what can be done to help survivors, and also importantly, help to minimize incidents in future. As a society, we need to make more room for abused boys and men to come forward. We need to advertise that we will support them, begin to have the tough conversations, and remove the stigma (p. 166).

MenToo is an essential resource for practitioners, those who are in positions to detect sexual abuse, and for survivors who may take some solace in realizing that they are not alone and that there are some in society who will endeavor to help rather than to exploit.

George H. Buck, Ph.D.

Professor and Chair

Dept. of Educational Psychology

University of Alberta

Copyright © 2019 Kelli Palfy

Published 2020

Men Too: Unspoken Truths About Male Sexual Abuse

Dr. Kelli Palfy

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means (including photocopying, audio recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods) without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For other permission requests, write to the publisher, addressed [email protected] .

Peaks & Valleys Publishing

[email protected]

ISBN: 978-1-9992925-1-5 (print)

ISBN: 978-1-9992925-0-8(ebook)

Scripture taken from the New King James Version®. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Ordering Information:

Special discounts are available on quantity purchases by corporations, associations, and others. Please contact Peaks & Valleys Publishing for more details.

This book is dedicated to

the men who shared their stories,

to those who have yet to share,

and to those who encouraged me

to write this book.

CAUTIONARY NOTE

Many of the stories in this book may be hard to read due to their graphic content. Nonetheless, they are true, neither exaggerated nor embellished for dramatic effect. They are told to convey to you what takes place in our society—to inform and educate you about male sexual abuse. If you become emotionally overwhelmed, I suggest you pause, disengage from reading this book, and take care of yourself. If you are an abuse survivor yourself, I recommend finding and working with a trained trauma therapist who specializes in sexual abuse to assist you in your healing process.

Peppered throughout the book are psychoeducational pieces (in text boxes) explaining the emotional and physiological experiences of traumatized individuals. Additional resources for further reading are listed at the back of the book. This information doesn’t qualify anyone to begin treating abuse victims without professional training.

Please note the terms offender, perpetrator, abuser, and molester are used interchangeably and are intended to mean the same thing. The word disclose is used to refer to the sharing of personal information, in this case the experience of confiding in or telling someone about abuse.

CONTENTS

Cautionary Note

Introducing the Life of Jacob

PART 1 UNDERSTANDING OFFENDERS

PART 2 THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED TO ME

The Men

Aaron: I Didn’t Know Much About Sex

Ricky: I Liked the Attention

Jacob: How Could I Do That?

Anthony: Talk About It and It Will Kill You

Garrett: I Knew Something was Wrong

Gordon: My Dirty Little Secret

Josh: I Thought It Was My Fault

Leon: I Didn’t Remember

Phillip: It Never Occurred to Me that I Should Tell

Leonard: Why Do You Hate Your Mother so Much?

Michael: We Don’t Talk About That Kind of Stuff

Allen: I Thought I was Going to be in Trouble

Julien: He Stole My Voice

PART 3 BARRIERS TO DISCLOSURE: WHY MEN DON’T DISCUSS SEXUAL ABUSE

PART 4 IDENTIFYING CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE

PART 5 WHAT ADULTS CAN DO TO PREVENT ABUSE OR DETECT IT SOONER

PART 6 A GLANCE AT THE BIGGER PICTURE OF ADULT MALE SEXUAL ABUSE

Conclusion

Appendix

Acknowledgments

About the Author

Endnotes

INTRODUCING THE LIFE OF JACOB

Jacob injured his knee in his sophomore year of high school, bent it at a right angle sideways, during football practice. His coach rushed him to the hospital where doctors told him he needed immediate surgery. They needed his father’s permission to operate and requested he come to the hospital immediately.

When Jacob’s father finally arrived four hours later the coach was furious. He asked why it had taken him so long to get to the hospital.

We haven’t been able to give him any pain medication, the coach stated.

His father rationalized, "Well, I was shingling the shed, and when the shingles are running straight through you don’t stop."

But Jacob has been sitting here in pain for hours! the coach protested.

"He can put up with it," Jacob’s father responded.

Disgusted, but trying to sidestep a further argument, the doctor asked Jacob’s father to sign and consent so he could do the recommended surgery. Jacob’s father refused.

The doctor pleaded with him. If he doesn’t have the surgery, he will have problems later in life.

That’s not my problem, he replied.

The doctor couldn’t believe a father could be so callous toward his own son. He pled with him further.

His knee is going to constantly come in and out of joint and will lock up on him. He’ll be falling down stairs and by the time he’s in his fifties, he’ll be in pain.

By the time he gets to 50, I’ll be dead, Jacob’s father declared, and denied Jacob the surgery.

Later that day Jacob’s father told him that a female doctor would be coming to talk to him. He warned Jacob not to say a word to her.

Two days later, a female psychiatrist came into his room. "The nurses heard you crying at night and I came in to speak to you about what’s bothering you." She asked Jacob several times if things were alright at home. He said nothing. He didn’t trust that the psychiatrist, or anyone else, could help him. He was not aware of any children that had ever been removed from their parents’ care, and he believed his parents would take revenge on him for talking. They might even kill him.

Jacob’s fear was for valid reason. Throughout his youth, other professionals had good reason to suspect he was being abused (his own grandmother even witnessed him being sexually abused) yet nothing was ever done to stop it. Jacob believed the only way to escape the abuse was to survive until he was able to move out on his own. In the end he was right. No one ever came to his aid.

#MeToo is an important global movement in support of female sexual abuse survivors. Just as dialogues about women as victims of sexual abuse and harassment are needed, so are discussions about male victims of abuse. Jacob’s story—and countless untold stories like his—highlight an equally important need to discuss male sexual abuse which is still widely unreported and unacknowledged. This lack of recognition is in part because the boys and men who experience it rarely come forward. They remain silent for a multitude of reasons, including their own confusion, guilt, fear, desire to protect others, and lack of understanding. Many worry that they will be perceived as less of a man if they disclose having been abused. Others fear they will be considered future sexual offenders.

Research conducted in the United States has shown that approximately one out of every six males is sexually assaulted before the age of 16; yet very few of these individuals disclose, pursue charges, or seek treatment.¹ The most recent Statistics Canada surveys (from 2004 and 2014) indicate that males report sexual abuse at a rate of 7 (2004) and 5 (2014) per every 1,000 men. A very small percentage of men self-report sexual assaults in this country.²

Who Is This Book For?

First and foremost, this book is written for male survivors of sexual abuse, many of whom still do not recognize themselves as having been victimized. Men and boys often fail to understand they’ve been abused for any number of reasons which I discuss in this book. My hope is that through reading the detailed stories shared in this book, other boys and men will gain a better understanding of what abuse looks like, come to recognize themselves as victims and begin to heal and recover. This book is not designed to replace therapy but to supplement healing and inspire men to both seek and accept professional help.

Second, this book is for helping professionals, as well as the friends and family of male survivors. My hope is that through increased awareness, that the helping professionals, friends and families of male victims will become better supports. If this group of people can create safer spaces to talk about male sexual abuse, and not shy away from engaging in the difficult but necessary conversations, abused boys and men will have improved access to healing. Through more open lines of communication, men will feel safer both asking for and accepting help. Whether on an individual level or a cultural level, we cannot conquer what we won’t address.

The heart of this book is comprised of the stories of 13 men who were sexually abused as boys, adults, or both. I personally interviewed each of them. Using the information each disclosed, I will explain how their abuse began, how it was sustained, and how it eventually ended. I also share the reasons why many of them initially failed to see themselves as victims. As you read these heart-wrenching stories, I urge you to remember that healing is possible.

Who I Am and How I Came to Work with Male Survivors

You may be wondering why a female psychologist has an apparent passion for working with male sexual abuse survivors, since I am clearly not one myself. In answer to this, I will explain the process of how I developed both my awareness of, and my interest in serving, this population.

Prior to becoming a psychologist, I was a Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP) officer. In 2004, I was assigned to the Integrated Child Exploitation (ICE) unit in British Columbia, where I had the opportunity to witness boys as victims of sexual abuse. The ICE unit was established after the US Postal Inspection Service noted a significant number of suspicious-looking parcels and engaged in a joint investigation with the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI), the Department of Homeland Security, and Immigration and Customs Enforcement. Their investigation revealed that the parcels contained pornographic images of children, which had all been purchased via credit card. Many of the credit card owners were found to be living in Canada. The RCMP responded by forming the ICE unit to both organize and disseminate the information to the appropriate detachments for follow-up investigation.

In addition to working in the ICE unit, I also worked part-time doing undercover work and was being trained to target offenders in online chat rooms. I’d pose as a potential offender who was looking to trade images, chat with someone briefly, then leave and check out a different chat room. Within seconds, the offender would find me and badger me for images. The number of skilled and persistent offenders shocked me and opened my eyes to the magnitude of the problem.

If you have seen the movie Spotlight, which chronicles how The Boston Globe exposed the Catholic Church sex abuse crisis, you may recall the scenes where the journalists experience a similar awakening. In one scene, they are in a library looking at the records of four priests accused of offending against young boys. On record, the priests were listed as either transferred or on medical leave, and so were numerous others. The reporters began to suspect a massive systemic cover-up and investigated further. They identified the names of 200 more priests who were also listed as being on medical leave or transferred. The lights began to go on. The reporters suspected that these priests may also have been suspected of abusing children. As they began to investigate each name, their discovery process mirrored my own. The ICE would investigate an offender, seize their computer, and gain access to their electronic address book. This address book would then be found to contain the email addresses of other offenders whom they had likely met online and traded child pornographic images with.

In 2002, Canada passed a law stating that any Canadian who travelled abroad and engaged in sexual acts with children could be charged criminally as if they had committed the acts in Canada. Soon after, investigative files began to surface. In 2004, I became the file coordinator for the RCMP’s first sex tourism case, which involved a now-convicted pedophile. The file began after a Canadian returned home from Colombia. He had sent a parcel containing CDs home in advance of his arrival. These disks contained evidence of crimes