Momma's Love

Introduction

We are all in the same story, with a different point of view.

Generational division—the generations before not telling their story, including bits and pieces as situations arise, leaves new generations not having a clue about their history. No answer to the whys and hows. Carrying demons of the past with no guidance on how to battle them.

All families deal with them. No one wants to discuss them. They’re the weighted chains. Generations of repeated cycles. The battles of the generations before you. Some even call them curses. It is dealing with a demon that did not come from your experience, but your history. Now you are a product of somebody else’s decisions, having insecurities based on someone else’s historical experience. What is not transformed is transferred. You must transform the picture of the family.

A child is not responsible for their existence; their parents are. Many of us will engage in conversations about deadbeat dads quickly and with proven facts. I want to make it fair and address both parents, but most importantly, the mothers. No, not deadbeat moms; that is not my lane. I’m talking about the nonexistent relationship with emotions, nurturing, and affection that daughters can receive from their mothers. It continues to pass along to the next generations.

The struggles of single motherhood are real. Growing and creating yourself as you raise children. Raising children while carrying generations of heavy burdens and cycles of damage. The failings of a mother, from one generation to another, cause a lack of understanding of who a person is as an individual and as a woman. The load of brokenness being passed down from one generation to the next without anyone intentionally trying to hurt the next, but ignorant to the future reality.

Single moms must be cautious about what they are showing their children. Moms are never fully aware of exactly what their children see, and the innocence of a child should always be protected. The examples set will affect them and their future; the habits taught them follow throughout their teenage years and adulthood.

Women are carriers of everything. Love, babies, burdens, baggage, emotions, thoughts—everything! Every generation is being raised to have it all together, missing the point that it’s okay not to have it all figured out. Carrying a load of toxicity without knowledge of such actions, projecting imperfections and flaws, all while creating damaged goods. Yes, the cycles continue from one generation to the next, subconsciously. You’ve got to heal from the hells of the generations before you in order to create and follow the new paths for yourself and generations to come.

From the moment you find out you are pregnant, everything is a choice. The decision to become a mother creates a lifelong career into motherhood. To decide to have a baby is a lifelong decision. Your job as a mom never ends. And you are never truly prepared for the role of becoming a mom.

Chapter 1

This story begins with Louise. Born to a hardworking single mother, Louise had early memories of her mother catching a bus to the cotton fields to work where she labored, sweating all day in the hot, Alabama sun with blistering, rough fingers. She was raised in a family where you were taught to not tell anyone what you were going through. Mothers did not talk to and teach their daughters the ways of life. It was simply go to church, find a job, and start a family.

Louise grew up the youngest of twelve. Her entire family all lived on one block. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins were right next door or down the street. Being raised by a single mother with the help of family, many cycles began. She did not have a father around as a little girl, and grew up not knowing she was trying to fill a void.

A rebellious soul, Louise was a tough, sweet, sarcastic, independent woman. Dating was her way of having a personal life. She got married when she fell in love and accepted a few of their rings and last names. Louise did not stay married long because she enjoyed her freedom more, living by her own rules and constantly creating new ones. By the time she was thirty, she had six children: four boys and two girls, with five different fathers. Louise was done having children.

Like most single Black mothers, she worked hard, provided for her children, and went to church, never dealing with her own childhood experiences; not being able to fully heal from how she was raised by her mother and absent father. Louise buried her silent tears and childhood pain as she got older. She was taught to maintain a smile on her face through internal pain and mental wars. Hide your flaws and show no imperfections. She had skeletons in her closet too. Anything that she was ashamed of was not mentioned or passed down to teach her daughters not to do. It happened, she learned from it, and pushed it out of her mind as if it didn’t happen and everything was okay. She became a woman and a mother but did not heal from her childhood or the cycles set before her.

Louise was focused on her career, her appearance, and at times, a man. Not to confuse her lack of nurturing with being a provider, she provided her children with the necessities of life throughout their childhood.

Louise was a good mother in the eyes of her children. She told them I love you often. Always hugging and kissing them to show them affection that she wished she received from her mother. She was always in the stores shopping for them—many times, buying them things they did not need. Louise overcompensated for their absent fathers more than she realized. Her children had everything they needed and some of their wants, although they were upset with her that their fathers were not around like other children.

Louise was the type of mother to go without before her children went without something. Her children did not wear hand-me-downs unless it was from their older sibling. She encouraged them to be whatever they desired in life, always trying to make them feel good and confident about themselves.

Learned behaviors are passed down and accepted by the next generation. All her children were smart in school, helpful at home, and well-behaved in public. Raising her children in the Church and teaching them about God was important to Louise. That’s how she was raised.

Louise did not teach her kids worldly information. There were a lot of things that she could have taught her children about the world. Having to figure everything out on her own, she did the same to her children. Being taught not to share information, she didn’t inform or explain much to them.

Momma Louise became an entrepreneur early in life as a beautician. Growing women’s natural hair and making them feel good about themselves was her specialty. When her children were young, she worked at home, having a small beauty salon built in her home.

Responsibilities came early in life. Louise raised and disciplined them to clean the house, cook, change a diaper, and be a good student. By the time the oldest was 10, she would leave them home alone. The older children handled the responsibility of taking care of their younger siblings. With family close by, the children were fine home alone.

Louise’s Place of Beauty was a small store front salon located in a shopping plaza just seven minutes from her home. The salon held four stylist booths, two hair dryers, and two shampoo bowls. The entrance of the salon had enough room for a small sitting area and snack vending machine.

Owning her beauty salon in town, she worked day and night to provide for her children. Every day at the salon, she listened to gossip about the lives people were living from her clients and the other stylists. She would listen about people’s children living promiscuously, hooked on drugs, or living on the street. Plenty of poor choices that she did not want her children being exposed to. Some nights she came home late, after the children had eaten dinner, cleaned the house, and were already in bed.

Louise raised her children, and they became adults: parents, wives, and husbands. They each had their idea of what type of adult they wanted to be and the goals they wanted to accomplish. Momma Louise’s personal decisions affected both of her two daughters. As soon as they turned 18, they both caught the first bus away from their hometown, getting married in their early 20s and starting families of their own.

There is no perfect answer to motherhood. You do the best you can and later on, your children will be the determining factor of how they feel about you as their mother.

Louise survived through her own set of challenges in life while becoming a better woman and raising children, shuffling cycles down to the next generation of children without recognizing the childhood traumas and experiences she was creating. And so, they continued . . .

Chapter 2

Mabel was the third-oldest of Louise’s six children. Growing up, she witnessed and formed an opinion of her mother’s lifestyle. Mabel paid attention to her mother’s career choice, how she took care of herself, and most importantly, how her mother treated her. Everything was under surveillance by her daughter. Mabel knew exactly what she wanted to do differently for herself. Her number one goal was to get married and have children with just one man. She did not care for many of her mother’s choices and examples. She strove to be different from her mother, but was similar in countless ways by genetics.

Mabel followed in her mother’s footsteps and became a cosmetologist, focusing on herself through trade school but learning and exploring. She met her first and only boyfriend, Raymond Maxwell.

Raymond Maxwell was the youngest of five children and the only boy in his family. His parents married early in their 20s and stayed married for 75 years until death did they part. Momma Ella was a sweet, soft-spoken woman. She stayed home all day taking care of her children, keeping a clean home, and cooking. Life was simple for Ella Maxwell. Papa worked every day, all day. He maintained his farmland and sold what the farm produced: milk, eggs, vegetables, and fruits. He was a handyman and could fix anything around the house. He provided for his family as he was raised to do.

Papa was a drinker, and always kept a bottle of whiskey hidden in the house.

Raymond was taught to go to school and how to care for the crops and animals. He was taught how to be a man and a provider by his father. He was a tall and strong teenager. Papa showed him how to do everything with his hands. Raymond took pride in being a handyman. He could fix anything he touched, so after high school, he went into a career in construction.

Every Sunday they went to church as a family. Raymond and Mabel met at a church event. Despite her initial resistance, Raymond remained a gentleman and was persistent in going after the woman he yearned for. They had a lot of similar qualities, including a strong relationship with God. They quickly fell in love and got married. Just a few months after their vows, Mabel gave birth to their first child, Whitney. Together, they were a family and supported one another, providing a foundation for their children and an example for future generations.

Becoming a mother at 21, Mabel was forced to look at life differently. She was now responsible to teach someone else about life. All she had was her mother’s examples and words. She adapted to some of her mother’s ways as she began to experience motherhood, making a few changes of her own while evaluating every step during motherhood.

Mabel quickly had to decide between her family or a career and like most women, she wanted both. After having two more children, Samantha and Ray Jr., Mabel and Raymond agreed that three children were enough. They both came from large families, so they were aware of the struggles and hardships of raising a lot of children.

Ready to get back to her independence and career, Mabel returned to the salon when Ray Jr. was a toddler. Every week she worked Tuesday through Saturday. In addition to accomplishing parent-teacher conferences, press and curls, and running to the church throughout the week, Mabel was active in her children’s lives and education. She was a busy woman and stayed on the go, like her mother.

Mabel was focused on loving her children and giving them a life that she did not have. She was not unsatisfied with how her mother raised her, she just wanted more, and her version of better. Just as Momma Louise did, she tried to protect her children from the cold, cruel world. Mabel and Raymond strove to keep their children focused on their education, religion, and making something of themselves.

She was pleased with the life she was living. Whitney, Samantha, and Ray Jr. were the products of a two-parent home. Together, Mabel and Raymond earned good salaries, lived in a Black suburban neighborhood, and sent their children to private schools. Mabel traveled with her family, wanting to expose her children to a life she’d desired when she was a little girl. Life for the Maxwell family was their version of perfect.

Chapter 3

Whitney was the oldest daughter born to Mabel and Raymond Maxwell. As she grew up, she too formed an opinion of her mother’s lifestyle and behaviors. Together, they carried firm values in education, Church, and family. Whitney was unhappy with how she was raised, upset that she was the oldest and had to help with her younger siblings at times. She disliked that she attended private schools and wore uniforms from elementary to middle school. Whitney believed in and loved God, but she did not want to go to church multiple times during the week. She didn’t want to follow in her mother’s footsteps to do hair either. Everything that Mabel displayed to her daughter, Whitney vowed to do the complete opposite, creating her own rules to live by.

After graduating high school, she went off to college. Papa Ray bought her a car after graduation. Not knowing what she wanted to do or how to go about doing anything, she started her journey. Wanting to stay close to home, she went to a local community college a few hours away from her hometown. She drove home on weekends to hang out with her friends from high school. Whitney enjoyed attending parties and drinking. She met Charlie Randolph at a friend’s house party. Within a few short months of dating, they were in love.

During her sophomore year of college, she completed advanced classes and earned an associate degree. Unsure about staying at school or starting her career, Whitney moved back home. She began working as an accounting clerk for a law firm downtown. She was good with math and numbers.

Whitney and Charlie were raised differently, but both were raised in a two-parent household. Their once loving relationship soon turned toxic after Whitney found out she was pregnant. Most likely I was conceived on or around my father’s birthday, because my birthday is exactly nine months after his. During Whitney’s sixth month of pregnancy, Charlie began to physically abuse her. He started taking his frustrations out on her, hitting her whenever he was upset. Charlie would apologize and no matter what, he would hit her again. I was being birthed into confusion and conflict.

Most women would rub their belly, sing, and sometimes read so their unborn baby can hear her voice, wanting their unborn baby to feel love and compassion as it continues to grow inside of her. Not my mother. The first feeling of being unwanted and alone in the womb was only the beginning. A mother’s love for her child should be unconditional. Subconsciously, love can come with conditions by design.

On my birthday, I was born to Whitney Maxwell and Charlie Randolph. They named me Khloe Randolph. I was the perfect blend of both of my parents. I got my daddy’s complexion, deep dimples, and long toes. I was born to two young adults who knew nothing about loving, nurturing, or raising me. I was born