Dear Mam

Dear Mam

Letters to my beloved Mother

Pauline Burke

Copyright © 2020, Pauline Burke

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed or transmitted in any form or by any means without permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations referencing the body of work and in accordance with copyright law.

ISBN: 978-1-913479-20-6 (paperback)

ISBN: 978-1-913479-21-3(ebook)

That Guy’s House

20-22 Wenlock Road

London

England

N1 7GU

www.thatGuysHouse.com

Dear Reader,

I am so happy to share this gift with you. My mission is to make a positive difference for all of you who are experiencing or have experienced any kind of loss. Grief is part of life, and yet we are not really taught how to deal with this journey. I believe that writing letters can help us to navigate through grief and begin to heal. We can write letters to ourselves, to loved ones who may be alive or not, to those we have lost touch with, to whomever we feel the need to express ourselves authentically to. I believe that putting our uncensored thoughts and feelings on paper can help us so much. We can make sense of, process, and release ourselves and others from trauma. We can gain insights which might have remained hidden in our subconscious minds. We can forgive ourselves and others for mistakes and problems which may have seemed insurmountable in the past. We don’t need to worry about writing perfectly. We can just let our thoughts and feelings flow freely. My Mam gave me the gift of passion for writing. She journalled and wrote beautiful letters all her life. I kept a diary throughout my youth, and wrote a book for myself aged 11. This passion re-emerged through the crisis of Mam’s sudden death in January 2019. It has turned into this book, which I truly hope will help you in some way. I deeply encourage you to pick up a pen and notebook and just write. There is no need to think about it. If you just let go of the need to be ‘good at it’, the words will come. For now, I wish you good reading, and I hope that I can be of service to you in my Mam’s name.

Much love,

Xxx Pauline

Introduction

January 14th 2019

Eulogy

15th Jan 2019

17th Jan 2019

18th Jan 2019

21st Jan 2019

22nd Jan 2019

28th Jan 2019

29th Jan 2019

30th Jan 2019

11th Feb 2019

12th Feb 2019

13th Feb 2019

14th Feb 2019

15th Feb 2019

16th Feb 2019

18th Feb 2019

20th Feb 2019

20th Feb 2019 [continued]

20th Feb 2019

21st Feb 2019

22nd Feb 2019

22nd Feb 2019

23rd Feb 2019

24th Feb 2019

24th Feb 2019

25th Feb 2019

26th Feb 2019

26th Feb 2019

27th Feb 2019

28th Feb 2019

1st March 2019

2nd March 2019

3rd March 2019

4th April 2019

5th April 2019

6th April 2019

7th April 2019

8th April 2019

9th April 2019

10th April 2019

11th April 2019

17th April 2019

19th April 2019

21st April 2019

23rd April 2019

28th April 2019

30th April 2019

1st May 2019

2nd May 2019

5th May 2019

Introduction

This journey begins on January 8th 2019, when my Mother Marie passed away suddenly at her home in Dublin. She was almost 83 years old. Words cannot describe the shock and grief we felt on that day, and have continued to feel ever since. I dedicate these letters to my Mam, and to all those who knew and loved her, especially my Dad, my three sisters and their partners, my son Patrick, my partner Simone, my four nieces, my Aunts, my Uncles, all my cousins and their families, and all of our friends.

I also dedicate this book to all of us who go through grief of any kind. It is part of life, it may feel too much to bear at times, but it is possible to go through the journey of grief and find acceptance, find moments of joy again, and learn valuable lessons from our loss. If we can use our experience to become more compassionate and to connect with and help others, it will not have been in vain.

As I sat on the plane travelling from Italy to Ireland the day after Mam died, I opened my diary and began to put pen to paper, pouring out my thoughts in a flow of words which ended up as the Eulogy which I read at the funeral. My Dad added a quote and my sister typed it up.The strange thing is that due to laryngitis, I had no voice before or after reading it out; in fact my sister stood beside me on the altar because we didn’t think I would manage it. I am very spiritual but not religious. However, I prayed to my Mam and to any Angels present to give me the gift of my voice just for the time necessary to express my love for her to all our family, fiends, and the entire local community, who had filled the church beyond its capacity to pay their last respects to the truly kind, friendly and special woman who brought me into this world. I was very touched by the tears, the laughter, the applause, and by those who asked my for a copy of it and thanked me for what I had said. They were just thoughts about the wonderful person Marie Burke has been. They seemed to flow as if someone else was writing them, and I continued to write on returning all too soon to Italy, except this time I felt the urge to write directly to my Mam.

January 14th 2019

Dear Reader,

My tears are flowing again, but my Mam is telling me that its okay to cry, and that everything will be alright. You may well take me for a crazy person, and I don’t mind. There have been so many signs and synchronicities which I have been fortunate enough to receive and listen to over the past ten years that I have accepted them as normal, and as a blessing. Someone or something is guiding me, and for this I am truly grateful.

I hope that those of you who have lost a loved one, or are going through hard times, may find some comfort by reading these letters. My Mam would want that for you. Some letters are hopeful, others quite the opposite, but they have helped me on this journey called grief, and I feel compelled to share them with you.

Just two weeks before her death, my Mam had been celebrating with all of her immediate family for the first and last time. I believe this was no coincidence. Thank you Mam for the gift of life, and for showing us all how to live it.

Before the first letter, I will write a copy of the Eulogy. It is short and simple, but it may help you to understand a little more about why my Mam was so special. The blackbirds are singing the most beautiful birdsong outside my window, and the churchbells are ringing out. I have the privilege of being a Mam too, to my beautiful manchild Patrick. He was born in Dublin, in the same hospital where my own Mam gave birth to her four daughters. He was Mam’s first Grandchild, and the only boy in the family. We have so many happy memories of her visits to us in Italy, and how she adored spending time with her precious blue-eyed boy. My Mam has been an amazing Grandmother to my son, and to her four Grand-daughters.

Thank you Mam, for everything.

Love, Pauline

Eulogy

Mam

A little word, with so much meaning to it. Our Mam, she really was just that and more.

Our Mam was never happier than when surrounded by her family. Her door was always open, and she never complained about chaos or mess. She loved to feed us all, and everyone was welcome to stay overnight. She never said she was tired or ill, never. That is what makes this such a shock. This Christmas she had her family all together around her. Her husband, Tony, her four daughters and their partners, and all her Grandchildren; Patrrick, Mabel, Hope, Willow and Elsa. We have some lovely photos of this celebration. As most of you already know, our Mam loved any opportunity for a photo. Our Mam would go out to mass or to get the paper and just disappear for hours, much to our Dad’s dismay , but she was just being Mam, listening to all those who needed a kind ear, lending a hand wherever possible.

Everybody knew her, and all agree that she was such a lovely person. These are words we have heard time and time again over the last few days.

Mam never missed a chance to sing or dance, and I hope we won’t either. She really lived life to the full. I hope we will all do the same, because that is what she would want for us. She also loved to read and paint.

You could say our Mam was a kind of Mother to all those who needed nurturing. We will miss her smile, her kindness, her enthusiasm, her positivity, her hugs and her love.

Before we finish, a word from our Dad, with apologies to Ira Gershwin.

"Theres nothing like marriage for people

Growing old together

Sharing a cold together

Starting a family tree together

Sharing a cup of tea together…"

Our Mam, Marie, will never leave any of us. She is with us always in our hearts.

15th Jan 2019

Dear Mam,

Why ? You were so full of life. Why? You had so much to live for. Why?

You were so active.

Why?

We don’t know right now. We will never understand why. We are struggling, and we can’t believe it.

This is the biggest shock we have ever known.

Why you Mam?

The liveliest, smiliest, most positive person we could ever have hoped to have in our lives.

Gone! Just like that.

Why?

Maybe your heart was a little tired. Maybe underneath all the fun and smiles and love and kindness, you were feeling tired of taking care of everyone and everything, in spite of the immense love you had for all of us, and how much you enjoyed being there for us.

Maybe you were growing tired of always being okay, although you would never have admitted it.

Perhaps there were a few signs. The Fibromyalgia, an auto-immune disorder; maybe your body was starting to protest, because that ever-generous, caretaking, nurturing mind would not allow you to complain, to stop, to really put yourself first sometimes.

You had such a sense of duty and responsibility to do good, although you did allow yourself to play like a little girl with your Grandchildren, whom you adored.

I have an auto-immune disorder too Mam; Dystonia, a movement disorder which is supposedly genetic, but not everyone who has the gene develops it. It arrived during a period of extreme emotional stress.

I don’t believe these illnesses are coincidental. I think they are how our bodies tell us that we have had enough. Our bodies talk to us all the time, but we are not taught how to really listen. We are taught to be good to others; a wonderful thing, and so is being good to ourselves.

Anyway Mam, I don’t have the answers, but I will never stop asking questions.

Why?

Dad said you had been sleeping later in the morning during the last few weeks. That was so unlike you. Maybe your big, kind, generous heart had grown tired.

It stopped. Just like that, one cold January morning. In a heartbeat. You were gone.

We are heartbroken. We can’t believe it.

Love you Mam,

Pauline

17th Jan 2019

Dear Mam,

Thank you for giving me back my voice for those precious minutes, just to say a few words about who you really are.

I had no voice beforehand, nor for 5 days afterwards. What I said at the funeral was not supposed to be a Eulogy; it was written while I was sitting on a plane going home the day after you died, just wanting to write down what you meant to me and all those you met.

I had no idea people would laugh or cry or ask for a copy of those words. That is a credit to you.

I hope you are singing and dancing and living and loving, just like you were the night before you left us. I spoke to you on the phone that night and you told me all about it. You were so alive!

The next call I received was from my youngest sister, the next morning.

She said; Pauline, are you on your own? I thought it would be very bad news, but I never imagined it would be you Mam.

When I heard those terrible words; It’s Mam. She’s died, I just couldn’t take them in.

I just remember sobbing My Mam, not my Mam, over and over.

The rest of the day is a blur, and I thank my loving partner and also a wonderful friend for being with me and letting me just cry.

Your death was so, so unexpected, and has left such a void in all of our lives.

We miss you so much Mam, and I keep taking my phone to call you, because I just can’t get my head around the fact that you’re not here.

Can you help us Mam?

Thank you,

Love,

Pauline

18th Jan 2019

Dear Mam,

You were a woman who relished total freedom. You would set off on adventurous walks by yourself in Italy while your Gandson was at pre-school, even though you didn’t speak Italian!

You would somehow manage to make yourself understood, and communicate with the locals. I believe it was your positive, loving and empathic energy that made this possible. You would find your way around while