Why Cats are Assholes

Copyright © 2021 by Liz Miele

Illustration copyright © 2021 by Chelsea Trousdale

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner without the express written consent of the publisher, except in the case of brief excerpts in critical reviews or articles. All inquiries should be addressed to Skyhorse Publishing, 307 West 36th Street, 11th Floor, New York, NY 10018.

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10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on file.

Cover design by Chelsea Trousdale and Brian Peterson

Cover illustrations credit: Chelsea Trousdale

ISBN: 978-1-5107-5622-9

Ebook ISBN: 978-1-5107-5623-6

Printed in China

To my parents and my cat, Pasta.

All three taught me everything I know.

CONTENTS

Introduction

Chapter One: A Brief History on Why Cats Are Assholes

Chapter Two: Cat Jobs and Breeds

Chapter Three: There’s a Murderer in Your House

Chapter Four: Kittens—Fur Babies of Terror

Chapter Five: Does My Cat Hate Me, or Is It Just Trying to Ruin My Life for Fun?

Chapter Six: Resting Cat Face

Chapter Seven: Tree Dweller vs. Bush Dweller

Chapter Eight: How to Name Your Cat

Chapter Nine: Cats in Boxes and Other Weird Traits

Chapter Ten: Living with Cats—the Long Game

Chapter Eleven: My Favorite Holiday Is Caturday

Chapter Twelve: Crazy Cat Ladies Are Real

Chapter Thirteen: Indoor/Outdoor Cats vs. Indoor/Outdoor People

Chapter Fourteen: Why Don’t My Friends Like Cats?

Conclusion: Can You Fix an Asshole Cat?

FACQ: (Frequently Asked Cat Questions)

FALQ: (Frequently Asked Liz Questions)

Cat Sanctuaries and Cat Cafés: A Bucket List for a Cat Lover

Acknowledgments

About the Author

INTRODUCTION

Hi! I’m a stand-up comedian and have been writing and telling jokes half my life. Whenever someone asks me what’s my act like, what’s my schtick, I always tell them, I mostly tell cat jokes. They always follow up with, Is there a demand for that? and the answer is, No . . . not really, I think because most cat people are introverted homebodies that can’t bother to put on non-comfy pants to go to a comedy club. (I get it, I’m with you!) I am also on YouTube and Spotify, but just go along with this theory . . .

So I thought, why not continue my underground punk band–like legacy and expand my cat jokes to a cat book, taking a deep dive into the complexity of our love for felines. Are they tiny adorable terrorists that don’t love us? OR are they tiny adorable terrorist that do love us? Let me help you solve this mystery once and for all!

But first, let me be honest and open. I have a degree in nothing. In fact, I can barely read. Enjoy what I’ve written, but please don’t take it seriously. It’s not up for debate. This isn’t Twitter. I’m not trying to sway or shame anyone. Cat shaming will not be tolerated! This is merely a passion project to be enjoyed by the millions of cat lovers that just get it.

A bit of background. Both my parents are veterinarians. They’re educated in the field, but I’m just a cat lover with more free time than you.

I have a cat named Pasta, who is both the love of my life and simultaneously the worst thing that has ever happened to my favorite things. (RIP my favorite purse, backpack, half my shoes, and the right side of my comforter.) I think that’s what real love is, being able to see all their flaws and loving them for who they are. Never really knowing if my cat loves me back is what keeps our relationship fresh and fun. Is she coming over to cuddle, or bite me? After fifteen years I still don’t know. I think that’s all you need to know to enjoy this book. Yes, you can love something so much you take pictures of it every day and show strangers on the subway, but also question why you allow it walk on your face while you sleep. You can’t change them, and this book is here to help you understand why.

I have a lot of theories. I think about this stuff all the time. People ask about our ethnic background as a way to not just identify us but to understand our behavior. It’s weird. I don’t know how my grandfather being Italian makes you understand why I’m yelling in this deli . . . oh wait, now I get it. But maybe, understanding your cats’ rote behaviors will help you get them better. Perhaps bring you closer or make you realize that ferrets aren’t that bad. I dunno. This book is neither a positive nor negative look at cats. It’s just one woman asking one species, Why do you always cry at 3 a.m.?

Thanks for reading! And I’ll say this: if at any time you feel the need to show me how cute or weird or crazy your cat is, I fully welcome all unsolicited cat pictures! They are the only reason I go on social media. Tag me on IG or Twitter @lizmiele and #WhyCatsAreAssholes.

MEET PASTA

I had a few cats growing up: Max (technically my older sister’s cat) was black and white; Sancho, who died very young (also black and white); and all the cats that lived at my mom’s clinic next door. But Pasta was my first cat. I was nineteen and I had just moved into my first apartment in New York City. And because I had been living in dorms, I had gone two full years without living with a pet—which I had never experienced and didn’t enjoy. I desperately needed a companion to ignore me, so I told my mom and she began scouting for some prospects. Every time she had a client come in with a pregnant cat or with kittens, she’d snoop. Do these need a home? But no luck.

Then Ashley, one of my best friends from high school, had a cat on her farm that had kittens and I jumped on a train back to New Jersey to find me a kitty buddy. The litter was one grey tabby (my favorite color/pattern, if I’m being honest, but it was already spoken for) and six all-black cats. So I sat on the ground playing with all of the kittens to find my new best friend. Pasta was so sweet and playful and cuddly! I loved her from the start and took her home immediately.

And she was never like that again.

Barely joking . . . but I did feel tricked. She was bitey, scratchy, uncuddly, and distant for probably a little over three years. I wanted a friend and instead got a Craigslist roommate. She sucked for a long time, and as this was my first cat I felt like I’d fucked up. Like I made a bad choice or, worse, that I was a bad cat mom. Either way, I stuck with her. It felt the same way a real mom doesn’t have a choice when her kids suck. (Does this mean I’m ready to be a mom? Oh man!)

When I’d go out of town for shows I’d drop her off at my mom’s clinic and she’d have to be in a cage away from all the other cats with notes that read Watch out she swipes! or Not friendly! or Filled with murderous rage. Will try to lure you in with her cuteness then tricks you and tries to scratch your eyes out. Don’t trust. Bring back up. Heartbreaking! We are Italian! The only redeeming quality we have is that we are friendly. WHO HURT YOU?! You are making us look bad, Pasta! Every time she got a bad report card when I picked her up, I felt shame. I’d say those cliché client things like, She’s not like this at home. But it was kinda a lie. She wasn’t as angry, but she had a lot of emotional baggage for a kitten.

We had our good and bad moments, and a little after three years she stopped being so angry at the world, and softened more each year. She cuddled more and soon became like a helicopter cat. She’d greet me at the door, follow me from room to room, watch me shower, sit on my lap when I was on the toilet, crawl in my lap the moment I sat anywhere, watch me cook, wanted to be held like a child (tall roommates and boyfriends were her fav, and they would carry her around the apartment doing errands. She loved it!), and when she wasn’t following me around she was sitting somewhere high guarding the place, or deep in a closet taking a nap. Now when I drop her off at the cat clinic, she is beloved. Older staff would tell tales of what a terror she was and newer staff would hold her and say, I can’t believe it! Not this cuddly angel! She no longer hates other cats and even has cat friends, roaming free at the practice and welcoming everyone like an ambassador or Walmart greeter. Some kitties need extra love and time. I’ll be bringing her up a lot in this book, so just wanted you to know her story. She’s like the beast from Beauty and the Beast, but she’s been cute the whole time!

Quick Pasta Breakdown

The same way I know my boyfriend and best human friends, I know my cat. I think it’s important to acknowledge that, yes, all cats have similarities but are also unique snowflakes with their own personalities and wounds, and you should know their likes, dislikes, and what they are indifferent about. They are essentially your roommate. If you don’t wanna always be yelling at them for doing wind sprints at 3 a.m., it might help to know why they are doing it in the first place and find a solution or compromise. I’ll talk later on how to gather some of this information and truly get to know your cat.

But here are Pasta’s likes, dislikes, and what she tolerates, collected over fifteen years of cohabitation. It was interesting to sit and list them all out at once and realize how well I do know her. Might be a nice exercise for you and something you can add to and give to sitters. Like:

Don’t eat ice cream around her unless you wanna share. She likes to watch people shower, so just let her and she likes to pick out her own PJs. I’ll be back in four days!

Name: Pasta

Birthday: May 2, 2005

Likes:

•Being held by tall people (I’m 5-foot-1)

•Napping under blankets or in dark spaces, like deep in the closet (will sleep on shoes, does not care)

•Sitting on anything I’m working on or in front of anything I’m looking at or touching (phone, computer, TV, books, notebooks, make-up)

•Meat in any form, ice cream (goes fucking nuts . . . cannot eat it around her. She has a problem), and olive oil (will lick it off my food or hands . . . it’s weird. She’s so Italian!)

•Playing with mice and bugs, but not fully killing them . . . just ruining their day and injuring them (also feels like a mafia Italian move)

•Knocking over anything sentimental and irreplaceable

•Biting feet while dead asleep

•Head and neck scratches

•Being brushed (back, tail, and head only)

•Watching TV together

Dislikes:

•Belly rubs, touching her paws

•Me moving when she is napping

•Passively petting without paying attention

•Me being awake but not paying attention to her

•Cats that don’t respect her age and authority

•Cages or carriers of any kind

•Any kind of transit in said carrier

•Being moved without asking

•Not being fed immediately when I come home or she asks

•Being locked out of rooms (including bathrooms, closets, and the great outdoors)

Things She Tolerates:

•Being dressed up (She was an actress in my web series Apt C3 for years! Dressed her up a lot! Such a pro!)

•Being held by short people

•Sleeping not on top of me

•Automatic toys

•Hanging with other cats

•Pulling back her ears so she looks like she got a furlift. Doesn’t love or hate, but she’s let me and my roommates do it for years