Sarah Phillips

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To the memory of Charles Sumner Lee

In France

During the wet autumn of 1974 I heard a lot about another American girl who was living in Paris. Her name was Kate, and she was said to be from a rich family in Chicago—a word my French friends pronounced with relish, in a pidgin staccato. Kate was a photographer who specialized in making nudes look like vegetables; she lived on an immense allowance in an apartment near the Bois de Boulogne. She was an old friend of Henri, Alain, and Roger, the three young men with whom I lived, and in early October we tried several times to visit her, but each time a hostile male voice over the telephone told us she was busy, or out of town, or indisposed. Henri finally heard a rumor that she was being held prisoner in her apartment by her present lover and an ex-boyfriend, who were collecting her allowance and had bought a luxurious Fiat—the same model the Pope drove—with the profits.

The story was riveting enough when we discussed it over drinks at the Bill-Board, a nondescript café near the Rue de Rivoli, but none of my companions seemed especially concerned about Kate. Alain sighed and licked the ring of milk foam from his glass (he always ordered Ovomaltine); Roger thoughtfully rubbed his nose; and Henri, shaking his head at me in mock sorrow, said, American girls!

Kate came occasionally into my thoughts as I sat shivering and watching television in the big vulgar living room of Henri’s uncle’s apartment, where a penetrating chill rose from the marble floors. That fall I had only one pair of tights because my supply of travelers’ checks was dwindling and I didn’t want Henri to buy my clothes; over the tights, for warmth, I wore a pair of white tennis socks I’d bought in Lausanne in the summer. The socks, which I seldom washed, were getting tatty, brownish, and full of holes. I massaged my cold toes through my socks and tights and thought idly about Kate the Lake Forest debutante immured somewhere overlooking the rust-colored chestnuts in the Bois. She seemed to be a kind of sister or alter ego, although she was white and I was black, and back in the States I’d undergone a rush of belated social fury at girls like Kate, whose complacent faces had surrounded me in prep school and college. Idly I sympathized with her, guessing that she had a reason for investing in whatever thefts and embarrassments modern Paris could provide.

In October there was a French postal strike, which pleased me: I had painstakingly cut off communication with my family in Philadelphia, and I liked the idea of channels closing officially between America and France. The dollar was down that year, and it was harder than ever to live on nothing in Europe, but scores of Americans were still gamely struggling to cast off kin and convention in a foreign tongue, and I was among them. I had grown up in the hermetic world of the old-fashioned black bourgeoisie—a group largely unknown to other Americans, which has carried on with cautious pomp for years in eastern cities and suburbs, using its considerable funds to attempt poignant imitations of high society, acting with genuine gallantry in the struggle for civil rights, and finally producing a generation of children educated in newly integrated schools and impatient to escape the outworn rituals of their parents. The previous June I had graduated from Harvard, having just turned twenty-one. I was tall and lanky and light-skinned, quite pretty in a nervous sort of way; I came out of college equipped with an unfocused snobbery, vague literary aspirations, and a lively appetite for white boys. When before commencement my father died of a stroke, I found that my lifelong impulse to discard Philadelphia had turned into a loathing of everything that made up my past. And so, with a certain amazement at the ruthless ingenuity that replaced my grief, I left to study French literature in Lausanne, intending never to come back.

One weekend in Montreux I met Henri Durier, and at his suggestion quit school and Switzerland to come live in the Paris apartment he shared with his uncle and his uncle’s array of male companions and his own two friends from childhood, Alain and Roger. There I entered a world where life was aimless and sometimes bizarre—a mixture that suited my desire for amnesia. Henri was nineteen, a big blond who looked more Frisian than French. Though he wasn’t terribly intelligent, there was something better than intelligence and older than his age in the way he faced the world, something forceful and hypnotic in his gray eyes, which often held the veiled, mean gaze of one for whom life has been a continual grievance. He was, in fact, an illegitimate child, raised outside Paris by his mother and adopted only recently by his rich uncle. This uncle held a comfortable post at the Ministry of Finance, and Henri, who had an apprentice job in the advertising department of Air France, lived and traveled lavishly on a collection of credit cards. When I met him, he had just returned from touring Texas, where he had bought a jaunty Confederate cap. Throughout our short romance we remained incomprehensible to each other, each of us clutching a private exotic vision in the various beds where we made love. Reine d’Afrique, petite Indienne, Henri would whisper, winding my hair into a long braid; he wanted me to wear red beaded threads in my ears, like women he’d seen in Brazil.

Henri’s ideas about the United States had a nuttiness that outdid the spaghetti-western fantasies I’d found in other Frenchmen; for instance, he thought Nixon was the greatest President, Houston the most important city. I was annoyed and bored by his enthusiasm for chicken-fried steak and General Lee, and he was equally exasperated when I spoke of Georges Brassens or the Comtesse de Noailles. He couldn’t begin to imagine the America I came from, nor did I know, or even try to find out, what it was like to grow up in Lorraine, in a provincial city, where at school the other boys gang up on you, pull down your pants, and smear you with black shoe polish because you have no father.

The apartment where we lived was in the Sixteenth Arrondissement; it was a sprawling place, designed with fixtures and details in an exuberant bad taste that suggested a motor inn in Tucson. A floor-to-ceiling wrought-iron grille divided the living room from the dining room, and the kitchen, hall toilet, and both bathrooms were papered in a garish turquoise Greek-key design. Otherwise it was a wonderful Parisian apartment: tall double windows, luminous wet skies, the melancholy soughing of traffic in the street below. When I arrived, the place held handsome antique wooden beds in each of the four bedrooms, and an assortment of boards and wooden boxes in the living room, dining room, and kitchen. Henri’s uncle, who spent little time there, seemed indifferent to comfort, preferring to furnish his apartment with a changing assortment of male humanity. There was Enzo, a muscular young mechanic, and Enzo’s friends, who were mainly Italian hoodlums; there was Carlos, a short Spanish Gypsy, who lived in a trailer out by Orly; there was a doddering Russian prince, and a wiry blue-eyed shadow in a leather jacket who Henri assured me was an IRA terrorist; there was an exquisitely dressed prefect of police, who sometimes lectured Henri, Alain, Roger, and me on la nécessité des rapports sains entre les sexes. Manners within this motley company had assumed a peculiar formality: strangers nodded and spoke politely as they passed in the halls.

Alain and Roger both rented rooms in the Fifth Arrondissement, but they spent most nights with us, sleeping in whatever bed happened to be available. The two of them had grown up with Henri in the city of Nancy. Alain was twenty and slight-bodied, with girlish white skin and beetling dark brows. He came from a large and happy petit-bourgeois family, and although he tried hard to look as surly as Henri, he was generally amused rather than aggrieved, and a natural, naïve joy of life gleamed out of his tiny, crooked blue eyes. He loved to improve my French by teaching me nasty children’s rhymes, and his imaginative rendering of my name, Sarah Phillips, in an exaggerated foreign accent made it sound vaguely Arabic. Roger, a student who sprang from the pettiest of petty nobility, had flat brown hair and a sallow, snub-nosed face. He was sarcastic and untrustworthy; his jokes were all about bosoms and bottoms; and of the three boys I liked him the least.

The four of us generally got along well. I was Henri’s girl, but a few times, in the spirit of Brüderschaft, I spent nights with Alain and Roger. At breakfast we had familial squabbles over our bowls of watery instant coffee and sterilized milk (one of the amenities Henri’s uncle had neglected was the installation of a refrigerator); late at night, when we’d come back bored and dreamy from dinner or the movies and the rain on the windows was beginning to sound like a series of insistent questions, we played a game called Galatea, in which I stood naked on a wooden box and turned slowly to have my body appraised and criticized. The three boys were funny and horny and only occasionally tiresome; they told me I was beautiful and showed me off to their friends at cafés and discos and at the two Drugstores.

At that time, thank heavens, I hadn’t seen or read Jules and Jim, so I could play the queen without self-consciousness, thinking—headily, guiltily, sentimentally—that I was doing something the world had never seen before. Two weeks after I had come to stay at the apartment, I returned from shopping to find the big rooms filled with furniture: fat velvet chairs and couches from Au Bon Marché, a glass-and-steel dining-room set, and four enormous copies of Oriental rugs, thrown down recklessly so that their edges overlapped to form one vast wrinkled sea of colors. They’re for you, naturally, Henri told me when I asked. You were complaining about cold feet.

When Henri, Alain, and Roger weren’t around, I loafed in the apartment or rambled through the Louvre; the painting I liked most was Poussin’s Paradis Terrestre, where a grand stasis seems to weigh down the sunlit masses of foliage, and the tiny figure of Eve, her face unscarred by recollection, looks delicate and indolent.

If I was idle, all France around me was vibrating to the latest invasion of Anglo-Saxon culture. The first McDonald’s in Paris had opened on the Champs-Elysées. The best French commercials were those for Goldtea—artless takeoffs on Gone with the Wind, with Senegalese extras toiling in replicas of American cotton fields, flat-chested French belles in hoopskirts, and French male actors trying subtly to inject a bit of Wild West into the Confederate cavaliers they played. The hit song that fall was a piece by the madly popular cartoon canary TiTi, who had begun in the United States as Tweety; it was a lisping ditty in a high sexy voice, and it seemed to be ringing faintly at all hours through the streets of the city. French girls were wearing rust-colored cavalier boots and skintight cigarette jeans that dug into their crotches in imitation of Jane Birkin, the English movie star. Birkin had the swayback and flat buttocks of a little girl, and she spoke a squeaky, half-hysterical, English-accented French. Henri, Alain, and Roger rolled on the floor in fits of insane laughter whenever I imitated Jane Birkin. I had a pair of cigarette jeans, too; they left a mesh of welts on my belly and thighs. Sometimes in the rainy afternoons when I walked in the Bois, I could hear TiTi’s song playing somewhere deep in the dripping yellow leaves. Occasionally a wet leaf would come sailing out of the woods and affix itself squarely to my cheek or forehead like an airmail stamp, and I would think of all the letters I hadn’t written home.

In October we went to England three times, on weekend excursions in Henri’s plastic jeep. We took the ferry to Dover, then drove up to London, where Roger thought it was fun to play slot machines late at night in a penny arcade in Piccadilly Circus. Each time, we put up at the Cadogan Hotel, charging a suite to Henri’s uncle’s credit card. The respectable English and Continental travelers eyed us surreptitiously, and we determined that if questioned we would say we were a rock-and-roll band. Josephine Baker et les Trois Bananes, suggested Alain.

Some chemistry of air, soil, and civilization filled me with unwilling nostalgia, and I kept a sharp lookout in London for certain types of tourists: prosperous black Americans, a little overdressed and a bit uneasy in hotel lobbies, who could instantly identify where I came from, and who might know my family. During the day we would drive into the country and rent horses, prodding them into clattering gallops with Comanche yells. I was the official interpreter on these expeditions, and the times when I failed to understand a broad country accent, the three boys jeered at me. What’s the matter, don’t you speak English? they’d say.

Later that fall we tried to take the ferry from Normandy to the island of Jersey but were prevented from doing so by bad weather. We spent the night in Granville, in a tall, chill stone hotel where the shutters banged all night in a gale off the Channel. The next morning Alain got up, looking very skinny and white in a pair of sagging blue underpants, and ran shivering to the window. We’ll have to forget the island, he said, peering through the shutters. The waves were slate-colored, huge, with an oily roll to them and with shifting crests of yellowish foam.

Alain was in a bad mood because Henri and I had made love the night before in the twin bed next to his. That was a charming thing to do, he said to Henri, who was pulling on his jeans. To torture a poor adolescent. I couldn’t get to sleep for hours!

He tossed a pillow at Henri, who batted it away. Henri and I were in foul moods ourselves, mainly because the mutual fascination that had joined us suddenly and profoundly three months before had begun to break down into boredom and suspicion.

Still in his underpants, Alain jumped up onto one of the beds and began to yodel and beat his chest like Tarzan. Aaah! he yelled, rolling his eyes maniacally; then he leaped upon Henri, who had bent to tie his sneaker.

Idiot! T’es dingue, toi! shouted Henri, and the two of them began to wrestle, Henri easily gaining the upper hand over the bony Alain. Alain groaned in pretended anguish when Henri sat on his chest; it was clear that this attack and defeat were part of a ritual whose rules had been set in childhood. They were far closer to each other, I thought, than I would ever be