Clay Jar, Cracked: When We're Broken But Not Shattered
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About this ebook
Cortney Donelson
Cortney Donelson is a God-wrestling, hummingbird-watching, marriage lover. She is the owner and principal writer at vocem LLC, as well as co-founder and editor of GirlStory Magazine. While she has ghostwritten several books, there is one other she can call her own—a memoir titled Clay Jar Cracked: When We’re Broken But Not Shattered, which describes her marriage crisis and the subsequent journey to redemption in vivid detail. She is a speaker and Bible study facilitator and has appeared as a guest on The 700 Club and Bloom Today talk show. As the Associate Publisher of Fiction for Morgan James Publishing, Cortney enjoys reviewing and recommending books for publishing. She resides in Huntersville, NC. You can find her at www.yourvocem.com.
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Clay Jar, Cracked - Cortney Donelson
INTRODUCTION
We all have a story. This is mine. It is not an easy story to share, but it is worth telling. I captured part of my story as a collection of my devotions, written over the course of my devastating experiences. My prayer is that the hybrid nature of this book—part autobiography, part devotional—does the story justice and glorifies God appropriately. I inserted the devotions throughout the story to help provide a clear picture of the wrestling happening in my heart, mind, and soul. These devotions are set apart from the story with bold lines and start with their own titles and the dates they were originally written.
On a quick read, this book might seem to be about marriage, betrayal and forgiveness. Those topics are certainly part of the story. But for me, and what I hope to express is that this book is about the power of prayer, digging into the Bible, and listening to God—no matter what. At a time when I felt weak, hopeless, and alone, connecting with a piece of Scripture strengthened my faith, saved my family, and led me to a sense of purpose and community that I deeply needed.
The Scripture I used to tell my story is 2 Corinthians 4. I wrestled with these verses for many years. Through two decades of reading the Bible, whenever I came to this passage during my quiet times, I felt something stir deep in my heart. I knew it was an important piece of God’s Word for me. As I read, I felt it pulling me in and begging me to sit with it and stay awhile. Yet for a long time, I had no idea how to interpret it.
Then in my thirty’s, when it seemed my world had come crashing down, 2 Corinthians 4 became the seal of my purpose. This Scripture that had beckoned me and confused me all at the same time suddenly turned into the foundational life verse from which I could live out God’s will for me.
2 Corinthians 4 (NIV)
"Therefore, since through God’s mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart. Rather, we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to everyone’s conscience in the sight of God. And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing. The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel that displays the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. For what we preach is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus’ sake. For God, who said, ‘Let light shine out of darkness,’ made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ.
"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.
"It is written: ‘I believed; therefore I have spoken.’ Since we have that same spirit of faith, we also believe and therefore speak, because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you to himself. All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
We are all fragile. On our own, we have the capacity to shatter under the pressure of this world’s struggles and heartaches. But with God, we don’t shatter. The Lord keeps us whole and filled with purpose if we let Him, if only we follow Him.
This is not just another book about marriage or even surviving betrayal. Nor is it primarily about learning to forgive what initially seems unforgivable. This book is about knowing God—not so much about His promises to us (there are so many and He is so faithful)—but about our assurances to Him and how we follow through on them during the ups and downs of our life stories.
When we are baptized into our positions as daughters and sons of the Almighty God, we are making Him a promise. We pledge to follow our Lord to the best of our ability—to obey Him no matter the cost. The moment we invite the Holy Spirit to enter our hearts and allow Him to pair with our souls, we have the choice to put aside all of our personal agendas, selfish ambitions, and covetous pride to truly trust and let Him lead us. We stop asking, Why?
This book is about my struggle to keep that promise during one of the hardest times of my life, and about the blessings that came from staying true to my faith and following Jesus.
In this, my most treasured Bible verse, God prompted the disciple Paul to describe us as fragile jars made of clay. As a believer, I love God without boundaries and try to live accordingly. But neither I nor my life’s circumstances are perfect, and my most difficult trials have left cracks, much like those found on used and abandoned clay jars. Yet, each crack has led me to examine how I live my faith, to identify my weak spots, to grow stronger through Christ, and to let His work in me shine through for others to witness.
The cracks remain after the hard times pass. These reminders of my imperfection are also wonderful reminders of God’s perfection—because they offer more ways to let His light shine out through me, for others who seek Him to see. These cracks paint a life of intersecting lessons, healing moments, and growth. In other words, my cracks give me a beautiful story to tell.
My prayer is that this story helps someone else to appreciate his or her own cracks and fragility. I hope you finish the book with the knowledge that no matter what life hurls at you, if you keep the Lord at the forefront of your every action and thought, you will not be ruined. You will be kept whole by the Most Holy. And, when you reach the other side of your preciously horrific experience, you, too, will be able to share with others what the Lord can do if we keep our promises and follow Him.
Chapter 1
STRUCK DOWN
But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.
—2 Corinthians 4:7–9
The scream that escaped through my pillow-covered mouth was guttural. I was on my knees with my face planted in a sofa cushion as I felt my heart and soul crack.
"We had sex."
My husband’s words had struck me down. They had rendered me unable to see. I could only feel. I felt so many things all at once: anguish, disbelief, despair, lost, violated, torn apart. I screamed again after my lungs ran out of air. It was all I could do, a moaning and gnashing-of-teeth kind of scream. In just one instant, the life I thought I was leading, the family I thought we had built, and the marriage I had cherished were desecrated.
Somehow, amid swirling emotions and hazy thoughts, I remembered I had a two-year-old playing in the next room. I left my husband sitting on the floor. I walked to the kitchen and picked up my phone.
Can you come get my daughter?
My voice was hollow, much like my heart felt. My friend stopped what she was doing and came within minutes. She whisked away my little girl to a calmer place for the moment.
As soon as the front door closed, I went to the iPad sitting on the kitchen counter and searched the Internet for a home phone number. I dialed. I had to do something. I had to take control of something.
"This is Marc’s wife. I am leaving a message for John (name changed). As the husband of Mary (name changed), you should know that your wife and my husband were having an affair that included sex. I wanted you to know. Do not call me back."
I hung up. I didn’t stop to assess whether that call had helped me feel better. I didn’t contemplate whether it had been the right thing to do. I just knew I felt utterly blindsided,