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    The 3 M's: Motherhood, Marriage & Mental Health
    The 3 M's: Motherhood, Marriage & Mental Health
    The 3 M's: Motherhood, Marriage & Mental Health
    Ebook143 pages2 hours

    The 3 M's: Motherhood, Marriage & Mental Health

    By Penni Fagan

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    About this ebook

    This is the frightfully relatable but ever so raw memoir of a woman's struggle with early motherhood, all whilst battling the demons of mental illness in the midst of keeping her marriage together. The story tells of a mother's fight to keep her family afloat, her sex life alive and her sanity intact, even though the person she once was is no longer to be found.

    It's a very honest book on motherhood that you will find hard to put down. Ride the emotional train along with the author as she tackles the daily grind of motherhood, wife life and the suffocating grip of anxiety head on.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherTellwell Talent
    Release dateDec 21, 2020
    ISBN9780228844914
    The 3 M's: Motherhood, Marriage & Mental Health
    Author

    Penni Fagan

    Penni Fagan lives in the Hunter Valley, New South Wales, in a household where she is outnumbered by males, except the two cats. Her favourite things in life are coffee, wine and kid-free getaways. She is a self-taught expert on how to survive life in a house full of farts, mess and noise. And even though she dreams of something called personal space one day, she loves her country lifestyle with her two sons, husband and French Bulldog Loui. There has never been a dull moment in the Fagan household, and being locked down during the COVID pandemic this year finally gave Penni the chance to put these life experiences into words. She's a bit slack at posting regularly on Instagram; however, you can still search penni_fagan to follow her crazy life through images.

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      Book preview

      The 3 M's - Penni Fagan

      The 3 M’s

      Motherhood, Marriage & Mental Health

      Penni Fagan

      The 3 M’s

      Copyright © 2020 by Penni Fagan

      All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the author, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other non-commercial uses permitted by copyright law.

      Tellwell Talent

      www.tellwell.ca

      ISBN

      978-0-2288-4490-7 (Hardcover)

      978-0-2288-4489-1 (Paperback)

      978-0-2288-4491-4 (eBook)

      To my husband Ray, and my sons, Brayden Robert and Hank Ian. Without you three, these pages would be blank with no story to tell. Thank you for inspiring me to always get back up when I’m knocked down, for driving me completely batty, but most importantly filling my heart with endless love and laughter.

      Contents

      Prologue

      Part I. Motherhood

      Anxiety’s a Bitch!

      Our Love Story

      A Child is a Bigger Commitment than Marriage

      Decision Time

      Stress Isn’t Good for the Baby

      Home Sweet Home

      It’s Showtime

      The Miracle of Life

      Boy or Girl?

      Get Me Out of Here

      Why Won’t My Baby Stop Crying?

      Breastfeeding Is Best for Your Baby

      MiLs

      The Great Debate

      Fitness Is Just as Good for You Mentally as It Is Physically

      It Takes a Village to Raise a Child

      Sex After Birth

      Working-Mum Life

      We Bought a House

      Part II. Marriage

      The Royal Engagement

      Anxiety Can Be a Bastard Too

      Love & Marriage

      Another Baby or Long-Term Birth Control

      Where Did Those Nine Months Go?

      There’s No Place Like Home

      Hypno-Birthing

      Will This Baby Ever Come Out?

      It’s Showtime

      Baby Number Two

      Breast or Bottle Second Time Round?

      One Baby is Never Like Another

      Part III. Mental Health

      Life as Normal

      I Need Help

      Time For a Change

      Do What You Love

      A Change Is as Good as a Holiday

      Work-Life Balance

      Money Can’t Buy Happiness

      You’re So Lucky Your Husband Can Babysit Your Kids

      When Do You Know You’re Done?

      The Effect Mental Health Can Have on Relationships

      The Big O

      The Mum’s Guilt

      Negativity Breeds Negativity

      Control Freak

      Self-Love

      Triggers

      Will I Ever Be His Priority?

      Taking the Good With the Bad

      My Villagers

      The End

      Epilogue

      Prologue

      Maybe you’ve experienced one of the three M’s in your life, or maybe none, or, like me, you’ve experienced all three and continue to battle with the balance of them on a daily basis.

      One may have led to the other, it may have been planned, it may not have been, but as I sit here and attempt to write, my boys running around me screaming at the top of their lungs, it reminds me that the combination is both physically and mentally challenging, every single day!

      Now to get this straight, I am not any kind of doctor or professional mental health expert, and by no means is this a self-help book. It’s just the raw and unedited take of an everyday mother dealing with what life throws at her.

      Before any ‘perfect-parenting police’ committee members read this book and decide to judge, accusing me of not appreciating the gift that motherhood is, blah, blah, blah . . . STOP! Return this book. This is not the book for you. No way do I ever take for granted the miracle of being able to birth and care for my own children, but that doesn’t mean it will all be sunshine and rainbows, even if that’s what the majority of the world likes to portray on their social media pages. It’s challenging, fucking exhausting, and bloody hard work, generally with no appreciation or gratitude. It is the most selfless role you’ll ever play in your life, but somehow still the most rewarding. It is a time in your life when you will momentarily feel like you have lost yourself as a person, and instead have become a slave to the tiny humans you created. But those days will eventually pass, for you to come out the other side to discover and love the person you were always meant to be.

      The number-one thing that motherhood has taught me is not to judge or compare myself to others, especially to snapshots that are posted on social media. It’s hard, though, isn’t it? While I’m sitting on the couch in my trackies (’cos they’re the only thing that fit with all this extra baby weight I haven’t lost, even though I’ve done every fad diet on the market! Go figure), a block of Top Deck in one hand (which I’ll polish off in one go—shock, horror! Don’t deny that you do this too), wine in the other, scrolling through multiple social media apps, wondering why I’m not more like Tanya, who is back into her pre-baby clothes a week after the birth, with her whole family in matchy-matchy outfits and her kids hugging (while I swear my boys plot to kill each other every day, or at least try their absolute hardest to piss each other off as much as possible). But I don’t know what Tanya’s life is really like behind that camera lens—maybe she’s a raging alcoholic? Perhaps she suffers from anxiety? Perhaps the photos are all just a brave front as she hides in the pantry and cries all day? Or maybe she’s just one fucking lucky bitch with a killer bod and well-behaved children! We’ll always try to think of the worst-case scenario, as it will make us feel better about our own chaotic lives.

      Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m no queen! But it is a work in progress. After reading the books of a well-known Aussie mum about what it takes to become a true ‘queen’, it really did open my eyes to how much of a judgemental bitch I was. I’ve grown up surrounded by this type, so of course it came quite naturally to me. ‘Penni, you’re getting a bit podgy.’ ‘Penni, you’re fading away to a shadow.’ ‘Penni, you won’t amount to anything if you don’t go to university.’ And it goes on and on. But it wasn’t until later on in life that I realised my judgements of others were only a reflection of myself. My own insecurities were leading me to think poorly of others. If anyone is different from us, we think they aren’t the norm; they’re weird, odd, strange, and open for judgement. We are all individuals, and our different personalities, appearances, etc. are what make us who we are. You aren’t expected to gel with everyone, but just because you don’t mesh with someone doesn’t mean they should be the target for your judgement. And if you don’t like someone for whatever reason, move on. You don’t have to make a big song and dance about it. And don’t even get me started on social media trolls, because that’s a whole book in itself. How unhappy must someone like that be to have to bring someone else down on a public forum, hiding their own identity behind a computer screen? I’ll just leave that there.

      Ever since becoming a mum, I have followed numerous mummy bloggers. Some you may relate to, others you may not. Some are great to follow to find out what the latest it products are, others are frank and open about the challenges of motherhood and are even brave and kind enough to share their personal battles with mental illness. Since experiencing anxiety and getting to a stage where I felt medication was my only option, I thought I’d like to share my story with others. I considered dedicating a specialised social media page to share my experiences, or even begin a blog, but I felt my account was best written altogether in one book, not amongst daily posts and hashtags. And to be honest, social media is somewhere I find myself burying away and hiding in when my anxiety is at its worst, and it can even make it worse on some occasions. I needed to go with the old-school approach of a good old-fashioned book. Who doesn’t love cuddling up on the couch in front of the fire, wine in one hand and book in the other? Who am I kidding, that was before we had the ability to download streaming apps onto our many devices, providing us with access to almost every movie and TV series under the sun. Am I right?

      But in all seriousness, I hope this book makes it onto somebody’s to-read list and can be related to or even help some people reach out for support on some of those darkest days.

      Part I

      Motherhood

      Anxiety’s a Bitch!

      Let’s get straight to the point.

      I remember one evening as if it had only happened yesterday. It was a workday for my husband; I was home with both the boys. I think my eldest was about three and my youngest six months old. I was preparing a roast for the family dinner. I had spoken to my husband earlier that day, and he had confirmed he was going to be home at a quarter to five. The kids were screaming at my feet, and I was trying to have everything perfect for when Ray arrived home. I’d been watching the clock since four p.m.! The minutes were ticking by; the kids were becoming more feral by the minute. Four forty-five came around, and I could feel it in my chest, the lump of anxiety, and right on cue my mind started racing at a hundred miles an hour. Where is he? He said he’d be home by now at the latest! The kids can feel my distress; I know they can because they want to be on me and comfort me, but I just can’t deal. I message him and ask how long—no reply. He finally calls me back: ‘Sorry, babe, had to drop into the boss’s place and stayed for a couple beers.’ I hung up and flipped out. Screaming like a wild animal that had been wounded, I picked up the roast meat and threw it against the wall, followed by the tray of vegetables, all over the kitchen walls and floor. The kids were screaming and crying; I was screaming and crying. I shut myself in the bedroom and rocked back and forth on the bed with heavy sobs. Ray arrived home to find the shit fight in the kitchen and came looking for me to ask if everything was OK. (How annoying is

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