Thrive: 7 Steps to Successful Self-Leadership

Author

Introduction

Life, and work, is not just about survival, getting by, maintaining the minimum – it’s about thriving! Living a life that feels more dynamic in nature, moving, growing and alive. Seeing potential and possibility in everything that you do – even the small things in life, and in those quieter moments too. Seeing the possibilities that lie in front of you – believing that you can be and do more and then intentionally driving change. Then, as a result, feeling that excitement, that joy, that pleasure, or being aware of a sense of quiet contentment in your actions – both in your everyday life as well as in your work.

To thrive is never to be a victim to circumstance, or others. It is about always living your life much more on your terms. Living in the moment and breathing new possibility into your life as each second unfolds. And taking these precious moments and consciously transforming them with purpose, thus giving your future self and career – a better opportunity than they had yesterday.

But how on earth do we undertake this? How do we get to a position in which we believe we are putting the best into our activities – and getting the real juice out of them – and into our lives? And doing this to the extent that we can move forward and grow and maintain that momentum?

THE ANSWER – SELF-LEADERSHIP!

To lead yourself in everything that you do, to take conscious ownership of what you do day-to-day – this tool will take you there! Thrive: 7 Steps to Successful Self-Leadership focuses our attention on seven steps in life that if followed can help to bring about significant transformation in our own leadership potential.

I’m sure we are all familiar with the term leadership, but maybe not self-leadership? Either way, let’s define self-leadership, as it is so relevant. Well, self-leadership is about looking into the mirror and taking charge of that person staring back. It’s about taking responsibility for your own life and actions, to see it through – to take on the tough times – being accountable for your own choices and actions and aiming – really aiming – to give life your best shot!

It concerns the courage to be vulnerable and make the tough decisions that life will inevitably present you with, even when you don’t want to. Self-leadership deals with the knowledge of yourself, maintaining a strong awareness of who you really are and how you affect your own life and the lives of those around you. And when it’s called for, to hold the mirror up to yourself to both reflect and influence your mind, to improve your body and soul so that you are able to move beyond who you are today – to become the best you can be in life.

Life can throw a lot at us, and it can be tough, remarkably tough at times. Nonetheless, in any given moment we have choices to make – the choice of what we think about, how we act, feel and speak; and yes, we can change our actions with practice. There are many people we can be in any given point in time: the friend, the hero, the villain, jealous one, the confidante, the decision-maker, the protector, the speaker, the listener, the giver, the courageous one, the lover, the best that we can be. It is up to us how we wish to express ourselves and how we act – and how we respond.

It is not always easy to be our very best – it’s a fact. At times, we don’t have the energy, the time, the freedom, the patience, the immediate support, or even the know-how. However, we can at least be aware that we have choices in any given situation, and we can aim to be our best, and to make it our goal in life. It won’t always be simple to make it work because life, our thoughts, our habits, our emotions, and a host of past experiences, which shape us, will crop up and try to throw us off course. But by leading ourselves, and by adopting responsibility, we can always go further. And I firmly believe that we can all make progress.

If we thrive and work and do well in life, as best we can, then we will always be a better person today than we were yesterday. Doing well in life, as I see it, does not need to be about obtaining vast material possessions. Sometimes to do well is having the ability to get through another day, to be mentally strong when situations are draining, to make the crucial choice, to persevere when times are hard and there are no answers in sight; to listen well, to support others and direct them to success; to attend someone who is sick, to give advice to another that you wished you had been given (but which they might not want to hear).

It all returns to the fundamental maxim – to thrive by growing yourself, so by applying the seven steps explained within seven chapters, you can shine and become the best version of yourself that you can be. It’s not about the cards that you are dealt, but how you play your hand. To obtain more happiness, to self-improve, to live a life with more emotional freedom, and to make better choices with the aim of leading a more rewarding life, both at work and at play.

Successful self-leadership is not only fundamental to achieving the improvements mentioned; it also gives you the building blocks with which to lead others. While some could argue that leaders are born and not made, in order to lead others, we must be able to lead ourselves. And so, leadership starts from the inside out: we become a leader, we are not born one. Therefore, the art of self-leadership is a fundamental quality in the leadership of other people. How is it possible for someone to lead another if they still have not mastered the art of leading themselves?

Modern-day leadership walks hand in hand with challenges that include strategic thought, decision-making, diversity of teams, locations and working time zones, automation, company politics and the eternal management of stakeholders.

Today’s leaders find themselves in perhaps a more demanding period than at any previous point in the history of working life. Which only emphasises the point that all leaders – and that includes parents – must be able to grow and develop their skills in self-leadership. It’s a vital skill, necessary not only to survive in the world of leadership, but also in order to thrive in the role.

This book addresses the subjects of success, perseverance, emotions, failure, decisions, leadership of others, and the ability to serve others. I address these subjects through the seven key steps of self-leadership – which will help to develop a greater potential in us all.

The seven steps have been born out of reflection on my own experiences in my working and personal life, observation and research. I served in the armed forces for seven years. I Left the British Royal Navy shortly after having served in the Gulf War in 1991. This period gave me my first real introduction to really starting to learn about myself and how to push beyond my limits. It also gave me the benefit of working with and to really learn about a whole variety of people from different walks of life.

Later, I spent two decades as a leader and manager in various industries, and close to a decade as a trainer and consultant. My working life has seen me spend time in leadership and strategic roles on several multimillion leading-edge business programmes, which have tested me to the limit at times – and where I’ve seen the best and also the worst in others.

Although work and life has thrown a lot my way and I’ve sometimes failed – and ended up with a metaphorical bloody nose and dashed hopes several times over – I’ve also tasted accomplishments that have grown me, and had some superb achievements in both my career and personal life. An example in my career was when I played a pivotal role in the set-up of an offshore company office. Then, before I could catch my breath, I was asked to lead a cross-company project to success – against all the odds – both of which contributed towards personal recognition from the company CEO of a large corporation. And that one had to be earned through sheer grit!

These successes have led to more tests being thrown my way, where I have worked in several industries, with a whole variety of people. On reflection, my whole career has given me a truly special insight into how I work and also, which is more fascinating to me – the way other people tick.

I have several examples of accomplishments in my personal life, but the ones that stand out the most are my various philanthropic endeavours and organised fundraising events. But probably my proudest achievements from fundraising have come from several physical personal endeavours, which have included marathon running, several long-distance bike rides and a long-distance swim, and throwing myself 15,000 feet out of a perfectly serviceable aircraft. All of which raised several thousand pounds for great charitable causes. Each of these activities loomed large and were daunting to me to begin with – and as I undertook them, they became excellent vehicles for me to learn self-discipline and gain confidence. I definitely grew as a result.

But the biggest lesson that I had to learn was about myself, was how to make use of the seven steps of self-leadership in my own life, and to promote it. After I pursued my business in another direction for a time, after a failed venture with a huge personal commitment, I drove myself into a bad physical state through sheer overwork, one where I prolapsed a disc in my back as a result! It was as I lay in a hospital bed and reflected on the white hot pain that had struck my lower back the previous day, when I couldn’t even crawl due to the pain – I knew something had to change. Something that was only reinforced when I discovered that I would be left with permanent nerve damage in my back.

It’s ironic that adversity can be our biggest teacher in life; it was at this point I knew my life could no longer continue in the same way any longer. As a consequence, I believed that I could help others out there to recognise, and navigate through, the eminently difficult paths that we can end up travelling down. To advise on how we can take control of our lives, or the other forces that influence us – and to make a genuine difference in the world. Hence, this book.

I don’t count myself any worse off than anyone else, and I have learned and aimed to grow through these negative experiences to better myself. What is more, my purpose now is to use all of my experience and my research to support you in your path to improve yourself. I genuinely want the very best for you.

Like it or not, you are the driver of your own life. Your life is your responsibility, but you can choose to rest a stack of blame on situations and on other people. Yes, life can throw some hardship in your direction at times, as it does at all of us. But you should always remember that no one ever needs to be beaten by circumstance or setbacks.

If you are to change and improve, the change in you must come from within, no one will hand it to you. The biggest enemy in life can be ourselves, which can leave us frustrated at the best of times. And yet our biggest friend, ally, supporter and saviour can also be ourselves. The trouble is that we sometimes simply don’t accept this. We find it difficult to hold up the mirror and realise, with honesty, that we need to grow our character. Therefore, I ask that, while you read the book in its entirety, you pause, stop and self-reflect after each chapter to assess what you can change or introduce into your working and personal life in order to improve your situation.

This book is written in seven chapters, each representing a step that will provide you with insights, techniques and real-life experiences, along with contributions from other authors on their own experiences. It is written in a way that allows you to reflect on your own life after each chapter, and to introduce new ways of thinking, reacting and speaking in your daily working and personal life. By leading yourself more, you will thrive.

Good luck with the book. My aim is that it provides you with seven steps with which to improve all areas of your life. We only have one life to live. Be the best you can be.

The relationship between the 7 steps where emotions are fundamental to everything.

Chapter 1

Achieving Success

‘It is not the mountains we conquer but ourselves’

Sir Edmund Hillary

The definition of success is ‘the accomplishment of an aim or purpose’, and history is full of success stories of one kind or another. In this modern age you only need surf the internet for a short period before someone’s definition of success is staring you in the face. However, success can be the achievement of any aim or any purpose that could appear insignificant to some, while others it will greatly please; success is relative to the given situation.

Success can occur in any area of our lives, including work, relationships, sports, hobbies, business deals, and the raising of healthy and happy children. Success for some can be as simple an act as remembering your wedding anniversary or being a good neighbour. It does not necessarily need to be bound to a rag to riches story, fame, or the next big college drop-out entrepreneur who floats their company on the stock market within a few years of starting out. Maybe you are already enough, and don’t need anything new to make you feel more successful. Maybe success to you is a feeling of security, a friendship, a love and continuing great relationship that you already enjoy. Success is truly a personal thing.

There are several aspects to success that must be understood, or at least reflected upon, before we look at success with respect to self-leadership. Although achieving success is what we are aiming for – it can present us with several challenges along the way. Well, no surprise there then. But, typically, these challenges can all be overcome if we approach things in the right way. Then again, it doesn’t always have to be exactly the right way, it can be any way – a way – to help us move forward, because we can always learn and improve as we progress. We really can.

So, before we dive into this subject a little deeper, let’s reflect on some of the mechanics related to success to show that it’s not some magic black art, there is a science behind it. There are things that we need to know and there are things that we have to master. And sometimes it’s actually all about reflecting or knowing what we really want that counts, as opposed to ‘thinking’ it’s what we want. That, my friend, knowing what we ‘actually’ want, can make all the difference between success and failure in a whole variety of circumstances. Anyway, let’s crack on.

SUCCESS AND OUR MINDSET

If you are looking outside of yourself thinking that it’s the world you need to conquer in respect to any success, then you could not be more wrong. It’s all about you, and this is the lesson we all have to painfully learn, especially when it comes to any substantial achievement in life. An accomplishment out of the norm, a feat or goal that you have to strive for that takes you out of your comfort zone, will demand your thoughts, actions, self-discipline, patience, and faith that it will all come together. It will also require the essential ability in you to believe in yourself when the path is uphill and there is no end in sight, and also to be able to find comfort in small pieces of happiness in times of hardship; something which is nicely spelled out in Rudyard Kipling’s poem ‘If’.

In these types of situations, where you are being stretched, rather than playing out life’s daily routines, the battleground of success is firmly in the mind. Get this fact and then believe it, and you are more than halfway towards to achieving your goals.

A great example are topflight tennis players, where they state that playing another top seed in the latter part of a tournament is not just about the physical game. The real game that they are playing is in the mind. They first need to win the battle in their own heads – before they can go on to win the physical one. When you watch their pacing, their temperament, their self-control – it’s all part of a game of the mind.

Many moons ago while at school and Naval college, I used to swim competitively, and before any race I undertook the nerves would fly. The butterflies would be circling inside, flying in no formation whatsoever. It all got worse, with odd glances and smart comments in the dressing room and the warm-up laps. It all started to crack away at my confidence. However, we were all in the same boat, even the swimmers that were truly stronger than me felt the same edginess before their race meets. But this never struck me at the time. If I met those swimmers in the street, we were equal, but before a race, well, most of them were all invincible – in my head.

Some of us had rituals that we would not deviate from before we competed. One of my rituals was that I had to pack my swim bag and have the same equipment in it, even if I knew some items were never needed. They had to be packed! Others wore the same top or had an odd physical routine. But all of it was part of building some form of personal endorsement that we were kind enough to turn up and that things were going to be okay. We weren’t going to collapse in a heap and sink like a brick or make a horrendous turn at the edge of the pool – like an idiot.

None of these thoughts was anything to do with our physical strength or stamina; all of this was in the mind, deep in our thoughts. It didn’t matter that the average competitor was probably committed to a gruelling training schedule that ran into the order of fifteen to eighteen hours a week – before and after school and college. We were fitter than the vast majority of our age. And in the right frame of mind, with the right mindset, there was virtually nothing in between first and last in terms of time, but maybe a few seconds. A good state of mind on the day – could win you the race against stronger swimmers, whose mindsets were in the wrong place. Each one of us was in a state of peak fitness! But no one gave a single thought to that fact.

Then if you did do well in a race, you never looked back! You were full of endorphins and euphoria, and you never gave your needful rituals or your lucky blue top a second conscious thought. They were ignored. That was until the next time. And that is when they all came back for the next race, as a strange but comforting habit, to support our thoughts, to aid our mindset, to help boost our self-confidence, to help control our ridiculous and crippling mental saboteurs. And if we did this, we felt better, and we believed we performed better.

And that is where self-leadership comes into its own, because it’s within the brain that the battles of success are won and lost – in the mind. There is a famous quote from Henry Ford – ‘Whether you think you can, or think you can’t – you’re right’ – which emphasises how much attitude determines success or failure. If you think this is a misleading statement, and you are under the illusion that it’s all about something out there, something or someone outside of you, it is not. And I could not be more serious about this point.

To succeed – mindset is everything

Moreover, whilst others can and will contribute towards many of your successes in life, and sometimes frustratingly, annoyingly get in the way of it, it’s not about them. Success depends on you. Your head, heart, thoughts, emotions, your quirks and habits, your likes and dislikes, all of which make up you.

We need to understand that success is in our head and not outside of it – it’s an interpretation of reality, a perception, a set of events or a situation that you wish to create or co-create. So, when things do come together to your satisfaction, then this interpretation of your reality can be deciphered as a success. We must come to terms with the knowledge that no one has ever strived for and achieved anything in life without first winning the battle of the mind.

Though, typically, unless you are a top athlete or company CEO, successful business owner or similar, and are conditioned to fully understand and live this insight, you won’t realise this until you have achieved something of real significance.

So, if a fantastic feat does come together in your life, something that you have stretched and strived for, then that is absolutely wonderful, and I’m sure you feel the self-growth inside as a result. However, first things first: understand and appreciate that success is in your head, because if you get this point, know this truth, then you will be able to unlock some of the self-leadership potential that is resident within you when you need it. Also, it will help you build the ability to become more self-aware and self-reflect. To learn the lessons when things don’t go your way, which in life can and will happen, even though some of those lessons can be tough to take when they do come about.

‘If I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning.’

Mahatma Gandhi

ARE YOU A DABBLER, OR ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Many of us play around with life at times. We tinker, dabble, do a bit of this and that – we experiment. We may take up a hobby for a period until something else comes along and then drop it, and then on occasions only go back to resuming our old hobby. Does this resonate?

I firmly know and believe that to undertake the above modus operandi is perfectly acceptable – when you are fully conscious and self-aware of what you are doing. Life has many twists and turns, and toying with life’s activities is all about exploring, learning and knowing what you want from its rich tapestry; it’s part of building your self-knowledge and, yes, often merely to amuse yourself. We’ve all dabbled in various activities from a young age when we began to explore the world around us; it’s part of growing and learning, so why should we stop as adults?

When you dabble or experiment (whatever word works for you) there may also be an element of trying to understand what you are good at or what you are not so good at, or better expressed – appreciating your limits. Accept that this is all okay, life is not always about striving to be your best all of the time and there are times when we do indeed need to lighten up a little. To drop the pretentious nonsense that we always have to be strict or severe with ourselves and determined to be our best – every damn day of every week. Sometimes – we want to have fun – switch off, and hey – do something for the sheer hell of it.

But be careful here – you need to know the difference between experimenting and being serious. Where are you? On what side of the fence are you sat? You need to know and become fully self-aware of where you are positioned. To be honest I have been guilty in the past of investing money and time into what could have become an expensive hobby, where I thought I could grow an interest, which was to make a passive income through affiliate marketing. But it began to take up all of my spare time until I brutally woke up through my own growing self-awareness that I was literally wasting my time. I eventually detected deep down that I wasn’t actually that interested in the whole affair.

My goal was to raise an additional income – but with no genuine interest in what I was doing, what was the damn point of spending all my time spare time playing with something, that I simply had no enthusiasm for?! Now, the few may have made real money out of this activity, as a sole income, and good for them, but it just wasn’t for me.

And this is the point: you need to have love – or at the very least have a genuine vested interest – in what you do, otherwise where are you taking your life? What have you got going forward to look back on?

So, you really ought to reflect on whether you are investing in something that you believe deep down you will not be committed to – unless you see it solely as an interest or hobby. Therefore be fully aware of your stance here. Appreciate that you only have so much energy to spend in this life – so spend it well, my friend.

Look, I believe the majority of us in life have been guilty of deluding ourselves at times, and we fall into the trap and get ourselves involved in something that we know will not captivate our interest or love. But part of us ‘thinks’ we can. Part of us wants us to commit to something that deep down inside – we simply feel or know will get us nowhere.

But it can feel a tricky path-balancing act – that’s for sure.

So, the point here is to establish your position, whether you are serious. Do you wish to dabble, experiment or grow your experience and not focus on something specific? And if you do wish to be deliberate about your vision of success, then engage. If you are in doubt as to your true position, seek the support of a mentor or coach, or trusted friend, to help you to know the difference, someone that can help you observe your situation, as if you were independent of it – before taking the next step, which is where the rubber hits the road – the honesty test.

BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF

There are two simple but powerful questions you must ask yourself to assess whether you are absolutely serious about your project. Self-reflect on your goal, and without thinking too deeply, first consider: ‘Can I achieve my goal?’ Do you have a plausible and achievable goal that you can fully commit to? Second, ask yourself: ‘Do I want to achieve my goal?’ Do you have a genuine interest in your goal and do you feel genuinely passionate about it, even if obstacles are thrown in your path – time constraints/family ties/long evenings working/financial sacrifices?

Now find a quiet place where you feel comfortable and ask yourself the questions again – ask your gut. Feel the sensations within.

This honesty assessment is a quick and straightforward self-reflection on how you feel intuitively, within your body. You are then asking your heart and not your head. If this assessment turns out to be positive, even if you don’t yet know the exact steps to take you need to achieve what you wish, you are part way to achieving your goals already, even the tough ones.

An honesty assessment is not about fooling yourself, it’s about having a natural inner feeling that you can achieve what you wish to even if you can’t yet see the full picture. By asking for a sincere (heart) answer, rather than a head answer, you are drawing on your inner friend, ‘you’, when you need support most. This is where your intentions lie, deep inside, and if you can tap into these a whole new world can open up for you.

It’s important to carry out this assessment on a regular basis, and to never fall into the trap of lying to yourself while doing this. If you maintain this honesty with yourself in how serious you are and take corrective action when things do not feel right, it will be hard for you to go wrong.

One excellent reason for doing this exercise is that if you can tap into that part of you where a passion stirs, then this can be the very fuel, inside of you, for what you want to achieve. A passion for something can move mountains in that it can move all sorts of obstacles out of your way to create what you want. And if you are