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    Finding Happiness: A Path to Self Acceptance
    Finding Happiness: A Path to Self Acceptance
    Finding Happiness: A Path to Self Acceptance
    Ebook137 pages2 hours

    Finding Happiness: A Path to Self Acceptance

    By J. Patricia Gileno

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    About this ebook

    You can succeed and have a happy life even if you had no support system at home.

    Growing up as a girl is hard enough, and with an unsupportive home life and a belittling mother, it can be unbearable. I will share my stories, what I learned, steps to heal, and how to recover and sustain positive thinking.

    It’s time to stop hiding, be proud of all you have overcome, kick ass in life, and find happiness!

    J. Patricia Gileno, is happily married with two amazing kids, and worked hard for her successful career at a children’s toy company. She loves her family time, being creative, and searching for the next big idea. Finding Happiness is her debut book.
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherG&D Media
    Release dateJun 17, 2020
    ISBN9781722526184
    Finding Happiness: A Path to Self Acceptance
    Author

    J. Patricia Gileno

    J. Patricia Gileno, is happily married with two amazing kids, and worked hard for her successful career at a children’s toy company. She loves her family time, being creative, and searching for the next big idea. Finding Happiness is her debut book.

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      Book preview

      Finding Happiness - J. Patricia Gileno

      Introduction

      If my own mom doesn’t love me, then I must be unlovable and not worth love. This is a thought that I have struggled with for my whole life. My Mom never liked me and always thought of me as bad. Every time something good would happen in my life, my Mom would be mad and remind me of how she felt about me which was never positive. My happiness caused her unhappiness and she would try to sabotage anything good that happened to me. Leading to the question of, why? I suspect my Mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but I only came to this realization in my late thirties. And I lived my whole life thinking I was a terrible person because my Mom said so.

      We are taught that a mom’s love is unconditional. They are there to love you, guide you, be your cheering squad and safety net in life. So, what happens when this is not the case? What happens if your mom criticizes you all the time, puts you down and talks negatively about you to others? And your Dad and extended family do not step in to protect you? Well, I can tell you. You start believing it! That is what happened to me, as I felt like no matter what I did, it was never good enough. Regardless of any compliments I received from other people, I could not believe them because my Mother thought the opposite or would call them liars.

      Wow you seem so normal for what you’ve been through! Is usually the reply I would get if I shared personal stories about my upbringing. I used to treat this as the highest compliment that I could receive as I worked hard to put on a happy face, be perfect and put on a good show regardless of how I was feeling inside. Now I realize, pretending to be normal is not healthy, not real and what is normal anyway? Are any of us truly normal? No, we are human. We are complex, imperfect and that makes us unique. In a world of social media showing us everyone’s perfect lives, it makes it harder to be real. But embracing who you truly are (the good and the bad) is freeing and the best thing you can do for yourself.

      As I child, I didn’t realize how bad things were or how I was living wasn’t normal or healthy. It’s all I knew. Growing older I realized I experienced abuse and bullying from a narcissist. The more I read and researched, the more I realized that there are a lot of us victims out there and whatever we go through, we all have a choice. We do not have to live like a victim or use our experiences as a reason not to try to have a better life. There will be external factors that will affect us, but at the end of the day how we react is up to us and we can work to be in control of our own life!

      I find a Mother-Daughter relationship to be very complicated. If you have a toxic person in your life, you’re encouraged to remove them to protect your mental health and usually told supportive things like, you’re worth more. When it comes to being raised by a toxic Mom or family, you are persuaded to make it work. Why? Because she’s your mom. No matter how bad things got with my Mom, I was pressured to find a way to make it work and it was my responsibility to fix our relationship (not hers). I finally said good-bye to my Mom six years ago. It was a decision most people didn’t understand because (a) I always tried to act normal and happy, so people didn’t realize how bad things were and (b) she’s my Mom. Society doesn’t equip kids with the tools needed or provide support to kids growing up in environments that are not healthy. Whatever our experiences, she’s the Mom … therefore she is right.

      I promise to be open and embarrassingly honest in sharing my stories and research to give advice on how to overcome challenging upbringings. I will cover a lot about Narcissistic Personality Disorders, but will also review bullying, abuse and how to cope.

      This book is laid out in three phases to help you, the reader, find self-acceptance.

      1.  Recognizing when situations are not about you and not in your control. This is to clear space to focus on what you can control or do to improve in your life.

      2.  Identify what happened to you so you know where you need help.

      3.  Focusing on you, what is in your control and self-improvement.

      I hope it will help you realize that whatever brought you here is for a reason and will help you start healing and finding your own happiness.

      This book has been quite the journey! I started it thinking I knew everything about what I went through and I was so enthusiastic about writing it! Over the year it took to complete, I realized that we are never done learning and every day is a new lesson. There were times when writing it almost broke me. It really forced me to look at my life and acknowledge everything I’ve been through. The biggest lesson I’ve learned is that the more self-aware you are, the stronger you will become. I hope this book does the same for you and makes you a stronger person and think the craziest thought ever … that you are worth being happy!

      Before we dig in, I want you to write on a piece of paper what made you pick up this book. Save it and revisit at the end. You may think you picked this book up for one reason, but as we’re constantly learning about ourselves and evolving, I bet by the end of the book your reason will be more complex but will be filled with hope and direction.

      Good luck to you and your journey! I hope this book will be the first step in changing your life for the better and that it can help you forgive the people that hurt you and be more open to an amazing life! I hope this helps you take control of your life, kick ass, find happiness and your path to self-acceptance! LET’S DO THIS!!!!

      Part One

      Sometimes It’s Just Not About You!

      Chapter 1

      Recognize When Situations are Not About You or In Your Control

      Childhood is a monumental time in life as it begins to shape who you are and can have a big effect on whom you become. During this time, you learn many life skills such as how to love, share, and trust. As a child, you don’t decide what to eat, where you are going or even what school you attend. So, if we weren’t in control of anything in our childhood, why do we blame ourselves for things that happened?

      In order to take charge of your life, the first step is to be aware of what you can’t control in your past, present and future. Think of it as removing the noise on your healing journey. Your childhood is a prime example of when you didn’t have control as you depended on your parents to care for you. While the majority of this book will discuss how you can control your life, the first step is acknowledging and being able to identify instances in your life that have nothing to do with you. Isolate incidents where you couldn’t have changed your experience no matter how you reacted. As an adult there will also be circumstances that are not in your control, however the difference is you can control how you react and how they impact you. This chapter is going to focus on things not in your control so you can start healing and focusing on things that are. Childhood is a big part of this.

      Identifying what is not in your control will make room for you to focus what you can control and help you to move on. Realizing that parts of my childhood were not because of me, was freeing and helped me move forward and be more aware of how I react to situations. As an example, because my Mom had me convinced that nobody liked me, I had this perception that nobody really did. Realizing that a normal loving, mom would never say anything like that to her child, and realizing that these thoughts were in my head because of my childhood, I was able to look at my future interactions differently and open my mind and heart to new relationships.

      Maybe there are elements in your life where you were a victim but not because of anything you did. We are going to start building the foundation to get you to the next steps to those things that you can control in your life. Let’s start reducing the noise!

      Remember when you were a child and you believed everything had to do with you, and your ultimate goal was to make your parents, teachers or person of authority, happy. You do all you can to please them and if they are happy, then you are happy and feel fulfilled. As a parent it doesn’t matter what sort of day you had, or that something serious happened. If you’re not showing your child a happy face, they think, what did I do to upset Mom. As a child you trust your family and parents, as it’s all you know. They are the first people you meet, and love and they are there to raise and guide you through life. Being a part of a family and respecting your family is what you have been taught and is how society views family units. At school you are taught about families, to celebrate occasions like Mother’s Day. Your mom specifically is your first love. She is the first person you meet and is your lifeline. Her happiness is her child’s world! Her empathy and reaction to our feelings, needs, and wants, help shape us into who we are.

      People generally don’t discuss when things are wrong at home or educate kids in ways to cope. At least in my life there wasn’t. Growing up we were taught that parents are always right. What happens if you were brought into this world under difficult circumstances? If you weren’t wanted or if you were a product of a broken relationship? If your Mom is mad at you or if family members walk away, you immediately think, what did I do wrong. Being a child is such a fragile time of your life as you are 100% reliant on your family to guide you, coach you, love you. When your family is not supportive or nurturing, what happens? When your family does not show love, how do you cope and thrive?

      My entire childhood was a constant thought of what did I do wrong? and being envious of kids at school where I would see parents volunteering and outwardly showing love for their children. I always felt out of place, not like I was loved or wanted. I felt like I was a nuisance, consumed with the thought, am I a bad person? I believed I must’ve been, because my Mom made me feel that way.

      My Mom was seldom happy. She was a small woman in height and weight, average looking with brown hair and eyes, and had a constant hard look, rarely smiling. She usually looked unapproachable, but the odd times she did smile, I thought she looked beautiful. Her smile, to me,

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