Show Me Your Mad Face

Introduction

As I approached Cathy and her parents in the lobby of the Clinic, Cathy’s parents appeared conflicted with several different emotions. They looked weary but relieved, hesitant yet hopeful, apologetic but appreciative. They returned my greeting and handshake with an uncertain urgency. I greeted twelve-year-old Cathy and extended my hand, but she ignored me: no eye contact, handshake, or an acknowledgment of any kind that I was even present. As I accompanied the family to a Clinic room, Cathy briefly looked my way with a facial expression that clearly told me she had no interest in attending the appointment or meeting with any kind of therapist.

In the Clinic room, Cathy demanded a certain seat and her parents relented. As the session began, she made it clear she had no intention of participating. She avoided my questions by saying with great annoyance, I don’t know or That’s none of your business. Cathy’s parents hesitantly answered my questions. With each answer, Cathy interrupted, all the while scowling and glaring at them, denying her parents’ descriptions and challenging their accuracy on every detail. Her parents looked at each other, shrugging their shoulders and shaking their heads, then looked at me with exasperated expressions that said, This is exactly what we’re talking about!

To me, Cathy was obviously angry and had anger control problems. According to her parents, she had been like that for years. In the past, they had consulted with their pediatrician and met with a number of other counselors and therapists. Each time, Cathy resisted and refused help.

Toward the end of the session, Cathy’s parents described to me just how difficult it was to get Cathy to the appointment. On the drive over, she kicked, yelled, and screamed the whole way. She also threw her shoes and other objects to the front of the car. When they arrived, Cathy refused to get out of the car; she did so only after her parents threatened to call the police.

As we scheduled the next appointment, Cathy stood up and shouted, I won’t come back here again and you can’t make me!

•  •  •

Is Cathy an angry child? Some people wouldn’t hesitate to give her that label, but I’m not so sure they would be correct. What I am sure of is that Cathy is a child who is angry. Is Cathy angry like other children are shy or outgoing? Her parents likely think of Cathy that way; however, I am reluctant to do so. There is much more to Cathy than anger and the ways she expresses it, and it’s important for me to remain open and objective as I get to know all of Cathy better. Thinking of her as an angry child would narrow my perception of her and influence how I work with her and her parents.

I am a psychologist at Boys Town and currently work at Boys Town’s Center for Behavioral Health (or the Clinic) in Omaha, Nebraska. Since 1986, I have worked with troubled children and their families in various settings, including treatment foster care, inpatient psychiatric hospitals, residential treatment, and currently outpatient therapy.

Many of the hundreds of children I’ve been privileged to work with were angry and had trouble managing their anger. How do children move from child-like innocence to routinely being angry? And how can these children unlearn the angry behaviors they have come to depend on? There are no easy answers to these questions, making the task of figuring out how to deal with anger even more difficult. However, the kids and families I’ve worked with on a regular basis have reported that their kids’ anger issues do improve over time if they implement and use the strategies discussed in this book.

What you will read in this book is based on my training and work experiences as a psychologist. My time at Boys Town has been one of the most significant influences in my professional development. The positive, skill-focused approach to helping troubled children and families overcome their problems, including anger, that lies at the heart of the Boys Town Model has influenced how I go about working with children and their families.

Many youth, including kids with anger and aggression problems, who come to the Clinic or to other Boys Town programs and services have learned how to control their anger, frustration, disappointment, and other unpleasant feelings and respond in new, appropriate ways that enable them to lead happy, calmer lives. The approach and the strategies described in this book can work for you and your child, too.

A Professional and a Parent

As children have participated in the Clinic’s services, I have watched them learn to respond to difficult situations with emotions other than anger and manage their anger effectively. And parents have expressed gratitude and appreciation for the change, growth, and progress they’ve witnessed in their children.

I’m also a parent. My husband, Dan, and I have been married for twenty-eight years and are the proud parents of six wonderful children. Today, they range in ages from sixteen to twenty-five years. They are alike in many ways but very different in other ways. Genetics, temperament, birth order, and life experiences all contribute to these similarities and differences. Generally, they are all happy, healthy children.

As a parent, I have witnessed firsthand as my own children at times have chosen anger over joy in a variety of situations. For example, when they were young, most of my children enjoyed being silly, joking around, and laughing while one particular child seemed to take offense. She refused to participate in the fun or even smile or giggle. Instead, she would storm out of the room. Or, when some of my kids would recall silly or embarrassing moments, they would laugh and joke with each other. This daughter, however, would become angry, glare at the others, and say things like, Shut up!

Looking back, and given my training and experience, I know Dan and I influenced and shaped our children’s behaviors. Even though all our children are generally happy, I can’t help but think that early on, Dan and I gave considerable attention to our daughter’s angry behavior. Our efforts to console, cheer up, and educate her likely served as potent reinforcement for her angry behavior. This helped to shape it into a surefire way to gain the attention of well-meaning, loving parents who only wanted the best for their child. As her angry responses increased in frequency, so did our responses and attention. Eventually, we consoled her less and reprimanded her more – all the while delivering a lot of attention that unintentionally reinforced her angry behavior.

As my daughter approached her sixteenth birthday, I was hopeful for a sweet 16 transformation. A few months prior to her birthday, I began giving her spontaneous, unsolicited attention when she was not angry in the forms of hugs, compliments, statements of gratitude, and verbal affection: I love you. Have a great day. At first, her responses were stiff and limited. Gradually, they became more warm and welcoming, and she even began to return the attention and affection. I was pleased to see that the sweet 16 transformation actually did happen.

I picked these strategies to use with my daughter because I love her. Clearly, the ways I was communicating my love for her were insufficient. She, like all of us, longs to feel loved, appreciated, and accepted. However, it is difficult to show love and affection for others when we do not feel loved and accepted in return.

From time to time, our daughter’s angry behavior still creeps back in and causes problems, but Dan and I continue to work with and love her so she can become the best person she can be. Ultimately, I do not believe Dan and I are responsible for our daughter’s behaviors – angry or otherwise. Instead, I believe the opposite is true: She is responsible for her behavior. However, I do know that as parents, Dan and I have a tremendous amount of influence on the choices all our kids make, just as you do with your children.

How This Book Can Help You and Your Child

As a parent, grandparent, or guardian, you are responsible for helping your children choose the right path as they grow up and join the larger society. That path can sometimes be rocky, with challenges and obstacles that must be overcome. That’s where Boys Town can help. The goals of this book are to:

•Help you recognize angry behavior in your children and act before it becomes a problem.

•Show how you can teach your children to stop using angry or aggressive behaviors and learn new, positive behaviors.

•Help you better understand the child who is often angry.

•Provide you with information that can help you learn what your child’s anger might represent.

•Give you strategies for influencing your child’s behavior.

•Give you information about when it’s a good idea to seek professional help for a child who is often angry.

This book is not about showing you how to teach your children to never get angry again. Recently, I had a client, a ten-year-old girl, tell me that one of her goals for therapy was to not get angry anymore. I told her that anger is a natural emotion, that everyone gets angry, and that we can’t prevent or eliminate feeling angry. Instead, a more realistic and attainable goal is to learn how to manage and express anger in ways that won’t cause problems in life.

We can’t avoid feeling angry at times. It’s unrealistic to think that we can prevent ourselves or our children from experiencing emotions. But we can control and be responsible for how we express our emotions, including anger. Just as laughing out loud and yelling with delight are not appropriate in all situations that evoke joy, hitting, yelling, and stomping away are not appropriate in all situations that evoke anger. But there are situations and circumstances when such angry responses may be appropriate and effective. For example, if a stranger is trying to lure a child into his car, yelling, hitting, and stomping might be the child’s best responses. Granted this is an extreme example but it makes an important point: The circumstances of a situation and setting play a large part in determining whether behavior is acceptable or not. It’s not just the child, the emotion, or how the emotion is expressed that determines whether behavior is appropriate and acceptable; rather, it’s all of these things considered together.

When it comes to treating or dealing with anger, every child is different, and what works with one boy or girl might not work with another. There are no magic cures. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t hope or solutions. Combined with a parent’s love, the strategies described in this book can reduce angry behaviors and teach children that success is achieved through treating others with respect, kindness, and compassion.

Grandparents

Today, more and more grandparents find themselves in the position of having to parent their grandchildren. This can be due to parental divorce, mental illness, or death. Whatever the reason, parenting grandchildren poses unique challenges for grandparents and children.

Some grandparents might have primary parenting responsibilities for a significant amount of the time, while others might be the primary caregiver during week days, most days of the week, or fulltime. If you are in any of these positions, my hat is off to you. I look forward to being a grandmother someday. I envision visiting my grandchildren, watching them from time to time, and spoiling them, while their parents do the heavy lifting regarding parenting. It’s healthy for children to have the kind of relationship I envision, but the reality is not all children get to have it.

If you find yourself in the position of having to parent your grandchildren, the information contained in this book will be as helpful to you as it is for parents. However, you will likely have a few additional and unique challenges to overcome, including:

•You may prefer to grandparent rather than parent. If you are a child’s primary caregiver, you are the one responsible for parenting him or her. That means your job is to do all the teaching and managing of behavior. You may long to play with and spoil your grandchildren and they may wish for you to be a grandparent and not a parent. Even though you must carry the important responsibility of parenting and teaching grandchildren well, the good news is you can always make time for fun.

•If you have to take on the parenting role for a grandchild, the relationship you and your grandchild have grown accustomed to will change. Change in any relationship can be difficult. This is especially true when grandparents take on the parenting role with a grandchild whom they have already established a traditional grandparent-grandchild relationship with. The transition to a more parental role will be frustrating and difficult at times, but it’s a necessary change to help your grandchild grow and succeed.

•Children who are parented by grandparents fulltime must also adjust to the loss of their parents. Obviously, infants and very young children won’t be aware of the parents’ absence, but older children and teens will. And, they will think of and come up with all kinds of explanations and reasons why they are now living with their grandparents. Some kids may think it is their fault their parents are no longer in their lives. These children are more likely to experience emotional and behavioral issues. The challenge here is that they may not often share these explanations and reasons with you. So, it’s important for you to help your grandchild come to a healthy understanding of why he or she is now living with and being parented by you.

•Grandparents who help parents raise their children face other challenges. For example, grandparents might provide daily child care, grandchildren and their parents might live with grandparents, or the grandparent’s home might be where regular visitation occurs with a non-custodial parent. Among the primary challenges in these kinds of situations is ensuring consistency regarding rules, discipline, decisions, privileges, and consequences. Children benefit and learn best when teaching is consistent from both parents and grandparents. So, as long as the parent’s approach is healthy and safe, grandparents are encouraged to support, teach, and parent as similarly to the child’s parents as possible.

If you are a grandparent in a parenting role, keep reading; I’m confident you’ll benefit from the information here. Also, if you struggle with the challenges just discussed, I encourage you to seek out additional assistance and services. The task before you is not an easy one, and outside professional support can provide you with what you need to tackle these challenges in more effective and successful ways.

If you are a grandparent who is in a more traditional grandparent role, I would also encourage you to keep reading. If you have picked up this book, chances are you have a grandchild who struggles with managing anger. If that is the case, you will find helpful information and strategies for interacting with your grandchild. You might even encourage and recommend that your grandchild’s parents read the book as well. One of the main goals of this book is to help all the adults (parents and grandparents) who care for children teach them how to better manage their anger so all involved can enjoy life more.

Parenting children with anger problems is especially challenging, and there are many unique difficulties along the way. I know because I’ve been there myself. But I’m here to tell you that you have what it takes! Your love, patience, and energy can go a long way but you also need ideas, techniques, and strategies like those presented here to help teach children more effective ways to express themselves and deal with people and situations that trigger feelings of anger. So let’s begin the exciting journey of helping children transform their lives for the better!

Section I

Angry

Children

chapter 1

Children and Emotions

Happy ... Sad ... Mad

These are just a few words people might use when asked to think of some emotions. Often, emotions like happiness, excitement, and cheerfulness are thought of as positive emotions, while emotions like anger, sadness, and fear are considered negative emotions. This kind of labeling suggests that some emotions are good, right, and acceptable to experience and express, while others are wrong, bad, and unacceptable to feel or express.

Thinking about emotions as positive or negative, right or wrong, or good or bad sets children up for a series of problems. Children might think that it is right to feel positive or good emotions and wrong to feel negative or bad emotions. Parents can reinforce this message and not even know it. For example, many parents work hard to make sure their children don’t feel or experience negative emotions. Parents use strategies like distracting children from something that may upset them, consoling kids who become upset when they don’t get their way, or appeasing tantrums by giving children what they want. At times, parents will do almost anything to calm, quiet, or cheer up their child. The problem when parents do this is that children learn that feeling and showing unpleasant emotions is unacceptable and makes others feel uncomfortable. Children also learn that showing these kinds of emotions can get them what they want – a tantrum gets them candy in the checkout lane at the grocery store, crying about the food they’ve been served gets them a preferred food, or expressing sadness about having to go to bed leads to staying up later.

Another problem with responding to emotions as negative or bad is the decrease in opportunities for children to experience and learn how to better express unpleasant emotions like anger, sadness, worry, frustration, fear, anxiety, grief, guilt, jealousy, and