Lighting the Blue Flame

Taking Control

About the Author

Clint Adams is a former police officer who studied psychology and later, rehabilitation. Clint’s police, injury management, senior HR roles and working with asylum seekers have made him develop insights into the psychology and social interactions of individuals in trying conditions. He has developed various behavioural and leadership programs to help people deal with various issues from PTSD to bullying and harassment.

Dedication

This book is dedicated to my gorgeous wife, Cyndi, for encouraging me for many years to complete this book.

Copyright Information ©

Clint Adams (2020)

The right of Clint Adams to be identified as author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with section 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publishers.

Any person who commits any unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library.

ISBN 9781528913973 (Paperback)

ISBN 9781528960694 (ePub e-book)

www.austinmacauley.com

First Published (2020)

Austin Macauley Publishers Ltd

25 Canada Square

Canary Wharf

London

E14 5LQ

Note: Throughout the book there are links for which, if you have an electronic copy, you can simply click and it should open; however, if you have a printed copy, you will need a smart-phone and a scanning app to open the QR codes.

Chapter 1

Welcome to my last day! My mind has been spinning today; I’m all over the place. Since my latest run in with Steele Connors, who is a classic bully and loves to pick on little guys like me, I find myself reliving every embarrassing detail. I can stand the pain that he inflicts on me but the humiliation of being hung up on the fire extinguisher, while everyone in the corridor laughs at you is another painful present that just keeps giving and giving. No one has the guts or desire to want to get me down, so I hang there until I can tear my shirt and plummet to the ground with a thud to even more thunderous laughter from Steele and the others.

I’m finally home and sitting in my room, but I know I can’t take this anymore. I’ve been thinking about how I want to end it for a few weeks now and more so in the last few days. I flip and flop in my head, fearful of actually following through and then also just hating myself and my life. I really don’t want to be here anymore. I cry a lot; I get angry and then sad in seconds. I keep reliving the humiliating things which have happened to me at school, and the way my step-dad, Rick, treats me. Mum is so pre-occupied with her new baby, Georgia, my half-sister, (she always wanted a girl) that I’m like this irritation, and because of my crap relationship with Rick, she seems to have sided with the new family which means I feel very isolated even when I’m home.

Welcome to my last day. I am Joshua McKenzie, 16 years old, in my second last year of high school. What a joke school is, I’m not very good at school and they push me through because no one wants to fail me. I couldn’t give a damn about how I perform there; I already know I won’t be here to need a job, I checked out a while ago. I’ve always been the easy target, a bit different, attracted to alternative clothes, music and anything else that mainstream kids don’t seem to have interest in. I have some interest in death, the dark arts, reading things on the occult. I’m not sure if I started out like that or if the way I have been treated has pushed me that way. I guess you don’t really think about how you become who you become and what has influenced your thoughts.

I can’t really answer that now, but I can tell you what has influenced my thoughts to end my life. I fluctuate between an internal rage at the ones I blame for me feeling like this, and sadness for myself for not being able to do anything about it. Don’t get me wrong, for a while I would fight back, but that meant they took it as a challenge and with my size, and my fighting technique of a wounded camel, it was quite brutal. Crying in front of girls you like and being beaten up and dacked (that’s having your pants pulled down if you haven’t had the wonderful pleasure of making your underwear readily available for viewing pleasure without your consent), are all humiliating experiences which add to my predicament.

So here I am sitting in my room feeling a little sorry for myself. I have been doing research and seriously thinking about what songs I want to send to certain people for different reasons. Some I hope will feel sad for what they did to me and others for what they didn’t do. I keep thinking of the quote I read once, a Martin Luther King quote, In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

I guess I do remember what my enemies have done and that has had an impact but knowing your friends or people you thought were your friends, or could be friends do nothing while these things happen to you, makes you feel pretty crap. I guess Martin Luther King was right; it probably hurts more because you start to question whether anyone really gives a damn about you. I used to question that, but it’s happened that much that I am under no illusion that anyone cares if I checked out. I know Mum would have some degree of sadness but she would move on pretty quickly with Rick and Georgia.

I really don’t have any friends anymore, I can understand why my ex friends don’t interject when I’m being beaten up, because I know if they did, they would be next and it’s self-preservation in the concrete jungle of school. Why would they get involved when the teachers know what’s going on and they do nothing? I guess they were students like us, also scared not really trained to deal with this crap. No, that’s not good enough! They are adults; they are who we are supposed to look up to. They are here to make an attempt to at least stop us getting to the point where we don’t want to be around anymore.

It’s one thing to not know but a very different one when you know and turn a blind eye. Wilful Blindness they call it, I read about this, it’s like the Bystander Effect, where everyone sees something happening, but no one is doing anything when they know they should be getting involved, so no one does anything and people die on the streets.

Here’s me slowly dying every day, I even think with sadness and depression and listen to depressing music that make me focus on the bad and in some sick perverted kind of way it makes me feel good, like I can share painful experiences. I don’t really know how to even explain that feeling, I suppose it’s like people who harm themselves, because their lives are so messed up, it’s the only way they get any kind of sensation anymore; it reminds me of the song by Eminem called Stan.

(Scan the QR code or hold down Ctrl and click the link)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aSLZFdqwh7E

I have thought of shooting my tormenters but I can’t really see myself killing anyone, I thought about it, even planned it and it’s not really hard to get a gun. But I could never see myself walking into school and shooting someone point blank like that. There are too many variables, I have never held a gun and would guess, I would not be a great shooter. I don’t want to shoot anyone who really had nothing to do with where I am. I suppose I could hunt down Steele and waste him, but I know I can’t do that. I would freeze and that’s not an option, unfortunately it’s a stark realisation that when I look at me as a person, I’m pretty piss weak. This thought makes me feel like crap again, again the sadness and feeling sorry for myself overwhelms me.

I’m crying again. I focus on what’s not good, I can’t see past that, I decide to listen to something else and put on 30 Seconds to Mars, Closer to the Edge. I love this song, it reflects where I am right now and if you have seen the film clip, it’s pretty cool. I listen to those kids talking through the clip and they all have a sadness I can actually see. I haven’t discussed this with anyone so I’m not sure anyone else can see that. I’m in a sad place and maybe it takes one to know one, but those people in the clip seem sad and are on the verge of where I am. One guy says if it wasn’t for music, he wouldn’t be here, I don’t even think that is enough for me. It’s funny watching the clip, I still think the girl at the end who says, ‘Some people pray, I turn on the radio’ is hot, but she still looks sad. I identify with these people, even the little girl who wishes people could stop fighting, but realises that can’t happen, I see the sadness and the sense of helplessness that is also a part of my life.

(Scan the QR code or hold down Ctrl and click the link)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mLqHDhF-O28

I’m no dill, I know thinking like this harms me. I just don’t have anywhere to turn to. I’ve been to psychiatrists and psychologists and I can’t relate to any of them, they are usually these old people who have their perfect lives and wouldn’t know anything about my situation. I’m supposed to tell them what is bothering me. I can only tell the same story so many times.

Hi, I’m Josh. I’m being bullied at school and everyone laughs about it, and no one does anything to help me. I’m weak as piss and even my stepdad hangs it on me and tells me to toughen up, it will be character building.

What a tool! I don’t want any more character building. I don’t want these negative experiences anymore. I want to be allowed to make friends, breeze through life laughing and smiling like everyone else, but that just doesn’t happen. I can’t really see any happiness or joy in my life.

I am consumed by my own negative thoughts and can’t seem to break the pattern. I’m always scared at school and self-conscious around others. Are they looking at me, talking about me, secretly laughing and judging me? The pressure to not be humiliated or shamed is unbearable. I worry about things that could happen or happen again, because an array of things that have already happened to me have left me shamed. If you have never felt true shame and embarrassment, I highly recommend it, apparently, it’s character building. If character building is driving someone into a deep dark hole of depression, then I have more character than I need for my short life. If doing this prevents one person from not having gone through the same crap I did, then I will be happy.

I never really noticed how things spiralled out of control for me, now I’m here and I don’t really feel anything out of the ordinary. I still have that pit in my stomach like I just lost my wallet with my life savings in it or the same feeling when I asked Leah out and she laughed me off, I know she did it in a polite way but there was still a look of Are you serious? What would make you think I would go out with you? I don’t even know if my perception of that event is true, I don’t trust my thinking anymore. As I said, I’m all over the place.

Wow, I guess I really do let my thoughts take me to a bad place. I automatically think of all those events that tell me I’m not worthy. I’m a piece of crap and girls like Leah really are better than me. The scrawny body, the acne, the lack of any type of sporting ability whatsoever just seem to confirm this view of myself. I make ET look buff. Rick doesn’t think much of me. Even my friends seem to stay away from me and don’t really do anything to stop me getting the snot beaten out of me as some kind of daily ritual.

I find myself replaying events in my head and feeling a little sorry for myself. I cry a lot and then feel worse as I can’t stand how pathetic I am. This makes me cry again and then I crack it with myself for being so pathetic. I recognise the cycle but I can’t stop doing it. I see no other way out. The intensity, if you can call it that, of my sadness and depression is overwhelming me. I can’t handle the pain in my stomach, the consistent adrenaline, I think it’s that surge, some might call it extreme stress, I don’t know.

I want to listen to something calming, I put on Mountain by Chocolate Starfish, it’s a cool Aussie song, and even though it’s a sort of power type ballad, it still manages to make me sad.

(Scan the QR code or hold down Ctrl and click the link)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iGf4bQ7exMs

I think I’m looking for things to keep me in this state. My self-pity is driving me to look for things that take me and keep me in that mindset. I want to be free from this feeling. I really don’t want to live like this, the final alternative is it for me. I worry now that I might be too damn gutless to even follow this through. Can you believe that I can worry that I’m too scared to even kill myself? Yet another thought which tells me I’m just not worthy to be here.

I start to think where did it all go wrong? I was a happy kid all through primary school, had friends, played soccer, genuinely enjoyed life with Mum and Dad and our dog. We lived in a nice quiet coastal town which was where I went to primary school. I loved the beach and we would go visit my parents’ friends who also happened to have kids who I became friends with. I actually really liked their daughter, Emily, who was my age and we would hang out at school and do lots of things together. I always liked her and I certainly got the feeling that she liked me.

Things changed when my parents got divorced, my dad had an affair and Mum found out about it. He changed completely when she told him she knew. He got really angry with her and me and really just walked out and wanted nothing to do with us. I knew he moved in with the other woman and they moved interstate and he has had nothing to do with us since. I knew their split was not my fault, but I couldn’t help but feel like crap when I would think how he could just distance himself from me so easily and not even give a damn enough to send me a card on my birthday.

When he moved out, he forced us to move house, as Mum couldn’t afford to buy him out. The house was never the same anyway so we moved away and I went to a different primary school for a couple of years and we lost contact with Emily and her family. I slowly felt my life start to change and I didn’t play sport anymore, I pretty much didn’t really want to socialise and found I only had a couple of casual friends who were guys who were loners as well. We talked about general crap, nothing deep enough to call a true friendship.

My mum did it tough too, always crying, sometimes not getting up all day, I was forcing her to eat. She kept playing music that reinforced what she was going through. The song that she kept playing which summed up her divorce was Sharon O’Neill’s Danced in the Fire:

(Scan the QR code or hold down Ctrl and click the link)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rSBO9hX5CKY

She also played a lot of ‘80s’ stuff which I think reminded her of Dad and probably has a lot to do with me liking ‘80s’ music too. When I finally went to high school and saw Emily there, I thought things were going to change for the better, but they didn’t. It had been a couple of crucial years and we had both changed a lot. She was definitely more mature than me, she looked hot and I was a dorky immature loner, so any thought of a reconnection with her was doomed.

Whatever glimmer of hope I had of impressing Emily was quashed when Steele Connors took it upon himself to tip chocolate milk down the back of my pants and then yell out that I had crapped myself. Again, those words of Martin Luther King rang in my ears when I saw Emily laughing at me along with everyone else in the lunchroom that day. I never tried to talk to her again after that. I think for me, this was that Ralph from the Simpsons moment, when you see when his heart breaks.

(Scan the QR code or hold down Ctrl and click the link)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kDnimQCvHxk

I was truly shamed and humiliated in front of lots of people. Until that moment I just didn’t feel very good about myself, but this was where I started feeling like I wanted to die. I replayed that moment in my head hundreds of times and all I could focus on was Emily laughing at me, which hurt the most. Yes, others laughing at me was not fun, but here was someone who was my friend, was close to me once, and yes, we changed, but it hurt me a lot.

Every year of high school had been more of the same, but even though I was humiliated a number of times and also had been physically abused by this guy and his friends, that time was the hardest, because I guess before that I had been OK. After that I really questioned my worthiness and desire to live. I noticed my other relationships started to deteriorate, even the casual friendships I had previously. I wasn’t really involved anymore. I was ostracising myself because I kept asking why anyone would want to be friends with me. I chose to deliberately avoid forming friendships, because in my view this left me more vulnerable to being humiliated. I guess my thinking was that if I was humiliated and I didn’t have friends, it was somehow easier to deal with than if I did and they reacted like Emily did.

I tried keeping my head down hoping Steele and his friends would get bored with picking on me, but they never did and here I sit. I take a large swig from the bottle of Jack Daniels I took from Rick’s bar. I don’t care that he would be angry because when he finds out, I will have left for good. I start to play These Days by Powderfinger because it reminds me of my chocolate milk incident because I played it a lot after that incident and it instantly makes me sad. The words resonate with me,

(Scan the QR code or hold down Ctrl and click the link)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DpWVsOyf0n4

It’s funny, it’s like I want to feel sad, the song makes me sad, the melody, the words, but I want to play it again, it’s hard to explain why I would want to keep myself sad. I guess it reinforces where I am, it’s seems to justify all the crap going on and that I have somehow earned the right to feel sad whenever I want. I cry again.

I have had a few more shots of Rick’s JD and feeling a little more pumped. I’m really starting to feel it now and know I’m ready to go through with it. I pick the song my uncle mentioned to me many years ago that one of his friends chose for his funeral song, I think his name was Darren, my uncle was devastated but when he went and told me how they all celebrated his life afterwards, that’s what I want. I want some recognition for me, nothing more. I deliberately sent some items to certain people for an effect when I am gone. I put on Darren’s song which is long, while I get my things together. My rope, and tie it in a proper noos e, my chair and a few more swigs of JD. I already snail mailed the CDs to the right people so it’s time to go. I put on the song again. Fade to Black by Metallica, the words resonate again with me, I have nothing more to give. I’m not really scared, just sort of numb, sadness overwhelms me, no one has been there for me and no one is going to be there for me now. I loop the noose I kick the chair. Fade to Black…

(Scan the QR code or hold down Ctrl and click the link)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJ1QgQf3FFI

Chapter 2

My name is Steele Connors and I’m the guy a lot of guys want to be. I’m athletic, tall, good looking and everyone thinks I’m funny. I’m popular, have lots of friends and my parents are wealthy, so I get to buy and wear cool gear and do cool things. My grades are OK and while everything looks good on the surface, I’m not that happy. My dad is a bit of a control freak, he used to hit me when I was younger, a lot! I’m not sure if he hits my Mum but I suspect it. She always seems scared of him, they both drink excessively and they never really look like they have fun or care for each other. They very rarely go anywhere as a couple and when they do as a family it’s to keep up appearances of happy families.

My dad has always been hard on me; when I was in primary school, I got beaten up by this older boy who took my lunch money. When I went home crying and told my dad, he just told me to suck it up, stop whingeing and work on not letting it happen to me again. His view was, it’s a dog-eat-dog world and you do what it takes to get to the top, you stand out from the crowd and take what you want in life.

Dad is successful, works for a large steel company and is the General Manager who worked his way up through the ranks. He is very intimidating and I admit it, I’m scared of him so I do what I can to keep on his good side. You don’t dare question him, because he will just go berserk and believe me you don’t want that happening too often. I don’t think he’s a very nice person and he certainly dominates both me and my older sister, Grace. He tells us what we must study and what we are going to do with our lives. I’m supposed to be an engineer because he can get me on some graduate program at work. I think he has our best interests at heart and wants us to do well, but our relationship with him is based on fear. Grace used to fight him consistently and challenge him, but a while ago she just gave up and pretty much does what