Out of the Darkness

Copyright © 2014 Lilly Faith.

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ISBN: 978-1-4525-1340-9 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4525-1339-3 (e)

Balboa Press rev. date: 3/27/2014

Contents

About Words

Chapter 1     Innocence Lost

Chapter 2     All Hope diminished

Chapter 3     No Return

Chapter 4     The Grass is Greener

Chapter 5     Darkness Prevails

Chapter 6     The New Chapter

Chapter 7     A Contract Signed

Chapter 8     There was No escape

Chapter 9     Courage Found

Chapter 10   The Tide Changes

Chapter 11   My Darkest Hour

Chapter 12   The Nothingness

Chapter 13   Awakened

Chapter 14   Into the Light

Chapter 15   Return To Me

About Words

W as this it? Was this really all that life had to offer me? Nothing but pain anguish and loneliness a sensation that was beyond numb, struggling to wake every morning just to survive another day. Forever wishing that it was just a bad dream that I would wake from yet so deeply knowing that I had died inside and all that was left was killing off my body taking all presence away, stopping the rhythm my heartbeat made and cutting off all breathe. For if I wasn’t there then what reason was there for my body to be and if for some chance that there was a reason I just could not se e it.

I had attempted to take my life on a few occasions over the years but this was different I wasn’t taking my life. How could I be when there was no sign of life left inside absolutely nothing, I could not feel, I could not think I had reached the end of life itself unable to feel not even the pain, anguish, hurt or anger that had kept me here all of these years was present any longer this must have been how my life was meant to end. Not my children’s love could take this burden from me nor the drugs and alcohol I put into my body just to try to feel to know what it was like to be anything other, then what I was.

I was trapped in this space of nothingness screaming to just end it all, how could I possibly stay here any longer and keep my body alive when I was truly beyond sadness and any glimmer of hope or return. I would hear words coming from my mouth but were they mine? Me? Who was I? Did I even know who I had ever been and who were these people they didn’t love me why were they making me or even Wanting me to stay in this life I had given up on surviving fighting the so called good fight.

GOD what kind of divine, mighty, loving being would have inflicted such a life upon me pure survival itself I had lost all determination and motivation to keep going there was no purpose for my life. Unable to see anything other than a means to an end, I was in complete consuming darkness sent here for the brutal pleasure of others into a life of hell having everyone I had ever tried to love, leave me abandoned and walking along my path alone there was no light had I ever felt what love was in my life.

All of these questions stuck in my mind overtaking everything I could not comprehend anything other than the need to die to be taken away from all of this, hearing what my children were saying to me but not understanding their needs, how could I love my children when I couldn’t understand what it meant to love? They were the sole reason I woke every morning I bought them into this horrible existence of mine they were MY cross to bare.

As I sat there what used to be haunting memories were now nothing I had no comprehension of what was real and what was not, all I knewwas that the lights were on but I had been missing for years sending my carbon copy in until now it was time, time to end it all to finally have the strength to succeed. It was in the next moment that everything changed and my journey began.

CHAPTER 1

Innocence Lost

M y story of anguish started the day I was born into this existence the youngest memory I have was sitting on the concrete path outside of our home with my two older brothers, Wayne and Shaun excited with our bags packed waiting for our dad to come and get us but sadly he did not come it was not the first time this happened waiting for him to come and take me away and lov e me.

The last childhood memory I had of the man left me confused and not understanding why he did not come back and where had he gone? On this night I woke to a very big noise my dad had put his hand through our front door and there were blue and red lights outside, he tried to take me with him and I couldn’t understand why mum wouldn’t let my dad back to live with us and why she was so sad. I grew up with my mum and her partner my stepdad who I had to call dad the one who would drastically beat me all through my childhood years and constantly put me down, calling me horrible names and a pathetic excuse for a person. I’m not exactly sure of when my mum and my stepdad met what I do remember is seeing my mum smiling and acting funny when he was at our home if he was a loving person then I never got to experience it.

There is no loving memories that I hold with him as he was to be named the monster who made my brothers wet their beds in fear when they were teenage boys, the monster that inflicted brutal punishment abuse and control even as I grew into an adult. It is true that emotional scars stay a lot longer than physical not only can it cut so deep into your being but stay with you for a life time or more. The first brutal attack happened when I was in year 1 at school, to this day I’m not sure what I had done wrong or hadn’t done maybe I was just being a happy child more than likely it was because I had not done a job that had been given to me.

I recall being taken into my mums bedroom where a red piece of cloth was shoved into my mouth like a bandanna and I was made to lay across the bed as the jug cord lashed my backside sting after sting, it felt like forever my backside red roar finding it difficult to breath and cry through the cloth in my mouth. Weeks later some ladies came to my school to ask me about what had happened how did they know? I was going to be in so much trouble and I was so scared that he would find out!

I told the ladies that nothing happened and that’s the way it had to be as much as I wanted to cry and tell them everything I just couldn’t! A few weeks later, I ran away from home. I was scared and petrified who would help us who could I tell to take this monster away? My memory still so clear of the day before some-one had taken a cheese stick from the fridge and eaten it!

This so called stealing happened a lot growing up and I cannot blame any of them if I had, had the guts I would have done it also, we were very hungry so if they had to take food then of course they could not and would not own up to it. As we grew older one of us would eventually take the blame anything to make the blows stop, because we all knew he took great delight in hitting into us taunting and torturing us, but this brutal day was one of the most horrific experiences that I had ever endured in my short life. My brothers were either not silly enough or brave enough to own up to who took the cheese stick from the fridge and the monster was getting nowhere, after what seemed like a long time beating into my brothers and I and yelling the monster took one of his treasured swords out.

I started to shake my brothers and I were all crying it was always me, I was always first to be picked to endure the brunt of it along with my older brother Shaun, and the much loved mother that I held so dear to my heart where was she? Always hiding somewhere allowing it to all happen?

The monster grabbed my arm and forced it onto a table I was so petrified and my little body could not stop shaking, I completely lost all sensations of my body and could feel a hot sensation running down my legs I had wet myself I heard the monster saying that they cut thieves hands off who steal as he pressed the blade into the tops of my knuckles, it must have been my screams of terror that bought my mum out of hiding because she yelled something and he let me go I ran, I ran so fast out of the front door I did not know where I was to go I had no-one that I could run to for help.

Why wouldn’t someone help me? Who would listen to me my little head was starting to hurt as I stood dead still crying not able to move until my mum came out and told me to get back inside. She took me into her room I could hear my brothers crying I had wet myself and I was in a state of absolute terror where was my mums hugs.

Was she not supposed to tell me she loved me and its okay faith I’ll never let anyone hurt you I did not hear that instead my mum asked me if it was me who took the cheese stick. It was at this time in my life that I had my first out of body experience my body was in shock and my little mind could not take what was happening so I left, I left my body and that horrible place at 7 yrs old and began a life of lost memories that I would not remember until I was well into my adult years I spent most of my life gone my body present but no-one inside.

Constantly seeing what was happening my body being beaten and the beautiful person I may have been inside was no longer alive, realising that no-one loved me no-one cared if I could only disappear. Each year that went by the taunts and put downs became more and more intense along with the physical abuse was the hatred I would see in the monsters eyes towards us more so my brother Shaun and I, videos of emotional scarring, being made to feel and believe that I was worth nothing. Concerts or performances at school knowing that my mum wouldn’t be there watching me with love and pride the way mothers should, the only time I do recall was at a school carnival and I had just run the fastest and won a first ribbon I loved it I loved the feeling of running. I was running from myself, from my life as I got to the finish line I saw my mum under a tree smiling I ran over happy and excited to see her there the monster was beside her but I did not care my mum saw me she really saw me.

A little while after that day mum told us that they were having a new baby how exciting this was and when we found out we were having a baby sister my whole world changed, the day came that my beautiful sister Sarah was born, and that was the first time I witnessed the monster as a loving person he would fuss over her and love her the way I had never witnessed anyone in my life love another. To me it felt like he tried to keep me away from mum and sarah as much as possible, the emotional and physical abuse escalated when his daughter came into the world, the more love and pride and all the feelings that a parent is supposed to feel for their child the more hate and disgust we took on, I can’t say that my mum was aware of what was happening because she spent a lot of her life in a daze

I can be sure that I did not know what love or even true happiness was, I would hide myself in my own fanciful world with my beautiful little sister when I could but most of the time we had to sit back and witness just how much we really were despised by the way they would love her. It wasn’t always that way, when we would go camping it was exciting because my mum was happy she would have this sort of unspeakable light inside of her when I did see that side I cherished it, a spark of hope would be ignited, I admired and loved her while my little heart ached desperately for her to love me and to hold me.

My favourite time was when she would let me brush her beautiful long hair I was so close to her just wanting to put my arms around her and cuddle her but I couldn’t the monster wouldn’t allow it! He took her away from me. I was only 2 when he stole my mum from me never to get to have her hold me and tell me she loved me, seeing other kids with loving parents always hoping mum would take us away he didn’t love us and we could love and look after our mum she didn’t need him. How could this be my life, the thought of being able to just hug my mum, and tell her I loved her striking a deep fear within me.

Anything that was to do with love was to be feared. When my new baby sister stephanie came along 2 years later yet again I fell in love with her just as I did with sarah I would sit on my mums bed watching her beautiful little eyes staring up at me smiling and making loving noises she was amazing I was older now so I got to hold her and sing to her.

I never let anyone see that side of me how could I it was wrong and I would probably go through some sort of reprimand for it, it was as though my little sister and I had our own little secret she was very special to me. When Stephanie was only a few months old mum and the monster told us that there was a house for us to look at because the home we were in was too small for all of us it was all so very exciting and everyone seemed to be happy and in good spirits we stopped outside of a big highset home the words that came from my mum were wonderful she was in tears and shock this can’t be it but it was.

The next few days went by amazingly my mum was happily packing if I was yelled at or put down I did not care because my mum was so happy and it