For the Love of Grief

Contents

Unit I

Getting to Know Grief

Grief

For the Love of Grief

Introducing Grief

The Grim Reaper

Causes of Grief

Illness

Accidental

Natural Causes

Murder and Homicide

Suicide

Code Adam

Mind Debilitating Diseases

Rape

Abuse

Infidelity

Divorce

The Empty Nest Syndrome

Those Other Losses

Our Self

All of Those Things We Read

Unit II

Doing the Math

The Certainty of Loss

Grief’s Equation

Age

Gender

Cultural and Religious Rights and Rites

Social and Peer Pressure

Setting Expectations

The Strength of the Bond

Life’s Lessons

For Whom We Grieve

A Parent’s Parent

A Parent

A Sibling

A Spouse (or Significant Other)

A Child

A Friend, Acquaintance, or Co-worker

A Pet

People We Hardly Know

The Unknowns

A Nation; A World at a Loss

Unit III

Getting to Know Amy

The Amygdala

Shock

Numbness

Denial

Acceptance

Sadness

Happiness

Frustration

Futility

Fear

Forgiveness

Guilt

Blame

Regret

Anger

Bitterness

Depression

Relief

Envy

Resolve

Unit IV

We Are Unique

We Are Unique (remember that)

The Comparison Well

The Five Stages of Grief

Sorry, the Game

Bargaining

Giving Ourselves Permission to Grieve

Our Grief is Our Grief

Repercussions

Physical

Mental

Emotionally

Spiritually

Have I Gone Crazy?

How Long Will I Grieve

Getting through Today

Acclimation

The Rule of Three

They Are Living

Letting Go

What If I Feel None of This?

Unit V

Finding Normal

Finding Normal

Meeting the Barbs

Should Have Been and If Only

Addressing Our Closure

Human Buoyancy

Sifting through the Chaos

Pack it Up or Build a Shrine

Gathering Our Will

Coping with Grief

The Year of the Firsts

Getting Through the Holidays

Setting Aside Time to Grieve

Overcoming the Loneliness

Healing from Grief

The Winds of Change

Developing a New Routine

Idolization

Building a Support System

What’s Next

Yes, but…

Unit VI

Coping Techniques

Seeking Therapy

Yoga

Zen

Vigils

Prayer

Talking

Crying

Writing

Journaling

Read a Book

Watch a Movie

Taking a Walk

Finding a Bicycle Trail

Join a Club

Participate in a Worthy Cause

My Rock

Wearing Black

Create a Treasure Chest

Pursue a Hobby

Take a Nap

So, it is your turn now…

A Final Note to the Reader:

About the Author

I dedicate this book to all who have lost someone near and dear to their heart and wrote it expressly for my two daughters who have endured much of the pain I have suffered in my losses.

That which I know with complete certainty of Grief:

1. Grief shapes and influences how we adapt in our lives from the time of our birth.

2. It is possibly the most common emotion we will encounter throughout our entire lives.

3. Everything from our age to whom or what we have lost plays a role in how we survive our Grief.

4. The term Grief encompasses a summation of the many and various emotions we will incur in the course of our healing.

5. We can only heal from our Grief when we choose to allow our lives to change to accommodate that which we have lost.

6. Grief has the ability to rule our lives if we choose not to rule our Grief.

7. Grief does not play by any set of rules; it feeds from life’s circumstances often re-instating itself when we least expect it.

8. The natural order of life and of love is as central in how we grieve as the cause of our loss.

9. Grief is never ending; it does not simply dissolve one day and never return.

10. Those we have loved and lost live within us now; it is our responsibility to provide them with a safe, warm, happy dwelling filled with love, nurturing, and joy.

None of us can help the things

life has done to us. They’re

done before you realize it,

and once they’re done they make

you do other things

until at last everything comes

between you and what you would like to be,

and you have lost your true self forever.

Eugene O’Neill

Eugene O’Neill wrote the aforementioned quote as an infallible assessment that we do not control our destinies. However, as we endure life’s circumstances, we soon find that because of life’s ever changing conditions we are destined to lose site of our original goal. Furthermore, because of those things life has done to us, we ultimately lose sight of who we feel we were meant to be or our ‘true self’. However, what if through those ever-constant changing situations in life we actually mold ourselves into the ‘true self" we were intended to be?

Many may read this quote and calculate their lives while considering the ‘could haves’, ‘should haves’, and ‘would haves’ often negating the reality of what is actually, in the here and now, the person they have become.

The greatest truth in the quote he composed stipulates that we cannot help the things life has done to us. We live our lives essentially full of those unforeseen circumstances. Thus, those things are merely nothing less than a natural part of living the life we have been granted.

Often in our youth and young adult years, we envision our destinies. Tenaciously, we map out a plan to secure the necessary mediums to achieve those envisioned goals. If we are lucky, our journey begins without too many hiccups, but as luck would have it, those hiccups do occur, and in due time, the fickle and wondering winds-of-change formally introduces itself to us. Perhaps, there is a death in the family or a lack of funding. We find ourselves veering off into a far different direction than we initially intended. It becomes obvious to us that life does not come without compromises and sacrifice.

While it is true that a select few become fortunate enough to see glimpses of those childhood venues, more often than not, we are denied such a privilege. We fall prey to the treacheries, trials, tribulations, altered successes, and dreams not foreseen in our youth. Misfortunes impede our journey, adversities interfere, and hard luck obstructs our view. It is because these impediments happen that we are in a constant state of adaptation.

Odds are that we would prevent them if we could, but they are beyond our control. In this, those things life does to us becomes a nemesis. It requires that we transform in order to accommodate life’s changes. Some turns are hard lefts, while others are merely smooth transitions from our original goals. Some are acceptable conversions, while others leave us bitter and discontent. Moreover, because of that constant changing wind, our true self must adapt to align with our newly established state of affairs.

From there, an individual finds that he or she must dismiss their primary target. They must set their sites toward an alternate path, but in so doing they have also distorted the objective they intended to achieve and alas, they find that they must do other things. Then, too, it is those other things that in the end have made us into what we become.

Thus, while we still dream of that person we would have liked to be in the abstract, rather than losing our ‘true self’, we actually find that our mirrored reflection in the looking glass is the "true self’ we are meant to be.

A note to the readers:

I wrote this book as a series of short essays intentionally. I know how it feels to grieve. I know that our concentration level is somewhat undermined by the distress we feel inside while we muddle through the days, weeks, and months after we lose someone we love. Therefore, I designed it in a way that most of the titles can be read in short time spans of less than five minutes.

I also titled each essay to describe a specific state of Grief’s existence so you could find the appropriate essay with ease. Thus, I invite you to go to the Table of Contents and find what applies to you or what you are feeling in the here and now, read that particular chapter, close the book, and set it aside. Later, you may want to pick it up again and read a different one, or you may want to re-read the one you have already read. Then, too, just as a distraction from what you are feeling, you may opt to read one that does not apply at all. Do this at your leisure.

My insight does not come from years of studying Grief philosophies. I did not earn a degree in psychology or psychiatry. I am not a Grief therapist or counselor. I am not an expert. I am merely someone who has experienced and witnessed Grief in its many and various ways of presenting itself.

Furthermore, I am one person and one perspective. I have not followed a thousand cases to gather enough data to say that I have the most likely thoroughfare that a normal grieving person must, most likely, or should experience or feel. In addition, I am the first to say that I do not expect you to agree with me in everything I have written. In fact, I am not sure that I always agree with me, so your opinion is worthy and justifiable.

Please note that I have tried to keep biblical and religious references to a minimum. I did so not because I do not believe in God. I personally feel I have a strong and intimate relationship with Him. I do not deny His existence or His teachings, nor do I negate that life is a gift from Him. A gift, I might add, that sometimes we do not so much fully appreciate.

Thus, I will tell you that the marketplace is full of books containing scriptural quotations and anecdotes, and supportive commentaries. If that is what you truly need at this time, I highly encourage you make such a purchase. You may even want to consult with your local funeral director and clergyman for a few recommendations.

I would also like to point out that this book is not written in the context of one exacting loss. I have endured many visits from the Grim Reaper. I will admit that some encounters took a greater toll than others did, but to choose just one and make it my focus would not work for me.

In truth, I have written this book about the realism of Grief: how we come to grieve and why, how it effects us and when, how it alters us, and how we survive its driving forces. I hope that you find it useful.

I advise that the most important thing to remember in processing through your Grief is that not every day will be as trying as the today you are living. My greatest intention, however, is that you will find some peace within your heart as I have. Essentially, that is truly the whole rationale of experiencing Grief in the first place, but that feeling will take time. I can promise that there will be sunnier days ahead where the sound of laughter will once again bring a smile to your lips, a twinkle in your eyes, and a glow in your heart if that is how you truly desire your life to be.

My Heart is like a Cherry Pie

Years ago, I watched a commercial for a pre-made piecrust. The advertisement demonstrated the ease of baking a delectable pie quickly and efficiently without the mess of a flour-strewn counter top. When they were finished, the commentators removed this luscious, deep-dish, piping hot cherry pie from the oven. The crust, of course, was a perfect shade of golden brown, and through its latticed cover, one could see its juices bubbling out a succulent aroma.

Of course, I immediately rushed out to the nearest grocery store, made all of the appropriate purchases, and took them home. I swiftly assembled the ingredients with a little skepticism. How could anything pre-made have momma’s touch or flavor? However, true to their word when I completed my objective, I had a beautiful pastry oozing its luscious scent gracing my nice clean countertop.

After it had cooled for a short while, I cut a wedge from its circumference and admired my handiwork. I took my time eating it as I savored every warm sourly sweet bite. I must admit that I found it sincerely delicious.

When I had devoured every savory crumb, I stood up to put my dish in the sink. Nonchalantly, I glanced over at the pie plate and noticed this huge gaping hole in my picture of perfection. I glared at this wretched abomination filled with remorse while I silently considered my options.

Clearly, I could have covered it with a towel and pretended that the gap simply was not there. The benefit would have been that I did not have to visually witness the gross disfigurement. However, the reality was that below that towel the missing piece would still be missing.

Then, too, I could have filled it with another kind of pie, perhaps apple or peach, but neither of those selections would have been the same as the original. Alternatively, I could have discarded it completely so that I would not have had to feel the guilt of diminishing its previous distinction.

Although several options presented themselves, ultimately, I settled for yet another choice. I proudly smiled in recognition of the fact that I had had the monumental opportunity to savor the taste that would remain in my memories for all of time.

I think of that pie now from time to time comparing it to my whole heart. It, too, was once an object of perfection. However, I have lost many of those whom I have loved and through those losses, I have found that pieces of my heart are missing from within me.

Hiding from them could be an option, but in that, I must then deny that that love ever existed. I cannot fill those gaps, nor can I substitute one someone for another someone. In addition, under no circumstance would I ever wish to discard the memories I have gathered in the course of having had had the opportunity to love those individuals in the first place.

Therefore, while the perfection of that pie and my heart are now flawed, my life has been made more complete in having had experienced a part of it with those who have passed on before me. While they may no longer exist in a worldly form, they still live within me, and to that, I say thank you for the memories.

Don’t Mourn For Me

I was your strength, your will, your life.

I have helped you to carry on.

I was your comfort, your passion, and love;

Don’t mourn for me now that I’m gone.

Allow me to find solace within you.

Allow me to feel through your heart.

It was not of my choosing to leave of this Earth

It wasn’t my choice to part.

Don’t cry your tears and feel emptiness.

Let me smile from the Heavens above.

For the things in life you are granted,

Let me know that you still feel my love.

Remember me tender and sweetly.

Carry on with your life so I live.

Don’t bury me deep in your Grief and despair

For my death - I pray you’ll forgive.

Think of our moments of happiness

Think of my humor and glee

Think of the ardor I have lived for

But please do not mourn for me.

As I look down upon you from Heaven

With the angels that are here by my side

Know in your heart I still love you -

It’s God’s realm where now I abide.

Although I have gone on before you,

I’ll be there to show you the way.

Don’t mourn for me now while I’m waiting;

I’ll watch over you every day.

deborah j. manley

At the beginning of each unit, I am providing you with a lined page to recollect a certain something you never want to forget. All you have to do is follow the prompt.

I admired you most when:

_______________________________________________

_______________________________________________

_______________________________________________

_______________________________________________

_______________________________________________

_______________________________________________

_______________________________________________

_______________________________________________

Unit I

Getting to Know Grief

Grief

We all face the experience of losing someone or something we care for or about eventually. It is as unavoidable as love itself, felt personally as such, and creates an empty space within us that we will find very difficult (if not impossible) to fill. This is an absolute certainty.

The most important thing for any survivor to remember is that when we find ourselves introduced to its untimely despair, we will handle its penance in a private and personal fashion. The very thing(s) that made our love for that which we lose unique and personal also makes our method of surviving our Grief private and unique.

That is to say that no two people will ever sustain the same plateau of emotional mayhem in the wake of love or Grief on any given occasion. This truth equivocates through the fact that we love each person in our lives in a distinct and privileged manner. Hence, I chose to encompass both emotions in the title of this manuscript.

Moreover, no one person will feel the same profound effects of Grief’s awakening in two separate losses even if those losses occur at the exact same moment or in close proximity of each other. Our mind can feel only so much emotional turmoil at one time. Therefore, it is not unusual for the brain to subdue one source of Grief until a later date so we can absorb the trauma of the more prominent loss. That said, it could take years before any additional loss or losses set in.

When we lose those with whom we have formed an intimate bond, we momentarily lose the true north on our cognitive compass. In the beginning, the needle flickers in every direction trying to find its way home. It will be doing so for a while. With our circle of focus so vastly disrupted, our lives shift abruptly. Our very purpose for living may screech to an unmitigated halt or at very least swerve uncontrollably for a while. Finally, our hearts shatter as we face our future not so much alone but without the deceased.

Suddenly, nothing is quite the same as it was yesterday. Our tomorrows look and feel bleak and distorted. Our emotional level of ease catapults to a chaotic state. Furthermore, it is difficult to foresee or map out our futures into any form of sensibility.

It matters if the loss was expected or immediate. It matters if we anticipated the end or if the end takes us completely off guard. It will matter if we knew in our hearts and minds that the Grim Reaper was waiting around in the dark corners to snatch the soul of our beloved or if he had to go out of his way to gather his prey. What will matter even more though is that the ultimate source of gloom that seizes our mental stability also steals our very ability to feel hope, happiness, and solidity.

In the instant that it takes for death to occur, our lives change from our comfort zone to pandemonium. We apprehensively find ourselves forced to piece together a new world in the insensitive company of Grief.

Bear in mind that no book ever written about Grief will responsibly give its reader a twelve-step program to overcome its effects. At very best, it may offer the reader a list of symptoms, perhaps a few real life experiences, and the author’s deepest condolences. Anything beyond that and you will be left to feel as though someone else is trying to own how you feel or how you should be feeling when only you could possibly have the answer to that.

For the Love of Grief

It is unlikely that on a typical day when we pick up a newspaper and read the unfamiliar names in the obituaries that we will feel much of anything. While it is true that we may run across a name or a cause of death that ignites our concern, there is a huge difference between feeling concern and feeling the wrath of Grief. Comparing the two is like turning a knitting party into a football game with millions of spectators. Therefore, reading this essay may seem a bit redundant. It should be rather obvious that in order for us to grieve we must first have formed a bond or at very least some level of respect for the deceased or the survivors.

Love, for all that it encompasses, supplies us with those feel good endorphins. They are the ones that warm our hearts and bring about happy thoughts and memories. They provide us with a security blanket to get us through those tougher times in life. They kindle the sparks that light up in our eyes. They nurture us with the sweet nectar of joy. They furnish us with a source of hope in a world filled with despair and tribulation.

Grief, on the other hand, deprives us of those goodies. It pilfers from us all of the enticements we have come to relish and enjoy. It rips from us the safety net that we count on every day to survive in a crude and seemingly unjust society. It shatters our hopes and removes us from our anticipated future dreams. It dispossesses us of that glow we strive for in living life. For many, it leaves us spiraling downward into a darkness so surreal that we can invariably and on occasion lose touch with our sanity.

We learned of love and Grief as early in life as the moment of our conception. For nine long, wonderful months, our mother’s womb protected and nurtured us. No harm likely falls upon us there. Suddenly, we are removed from that safe harbor as we travel through the birthing canal toward the bright, white light at the end of the tunnel. At that point, our entire existence becomes a host to loss.

In the first year alone, we lose our feeding tubes; be it breast or bottle. As we gained weight and became cumbersome, our parents and caregivers held and coddled us less often. As we learned of dexterity, small square blocks, air filled balls, and spongy stuffed animals replaced our favorite rattles and mobiles.

As we aged, we became more self-sufficient losing additional attention from those who provided us with sustenance and fostering. They no longer changed our diaper; we were big boys and girls now using the toilet like big people did. They no longer spoon-fed us; they left us to our own devices to eat our meals preferably as adults with the use of utensils. They no longer dressed us; we became responsible for putting on our own pants and shirts. They may have redressed us turning our shirts around when we put them on backwards or switching our shoes to the correct foot. However, we are gradually denied that reassurance provided through the touch and feel from our more mature mentors only months prior.

The reality is not that any harm befalls a child in these departures. It infuses a natural part of gaining our independence; nor has there been any mental disparity in losing those inanimate objects and sending them off to the wayside. We typically learn through this give and take system that losing the old brings in something new.

The other lesson we learn dictates that loss is a