Understanding the Heart: The Art of Living in Happiness

1

Suffering

No matter how talented we are, or how well we have prepared, things contrary to our interest just happen naturally in their own way.

Merely contrary to our interests

We often hear people say poor and miserable; much less often do we hear rich and miserable. In fact, poor people as well as rich people lead their lives miserably in their own way. Poor people don’t accept poverty. They hate it and want to become rich. That’s why they are miserable, why they suffer. Rich people are afraid their property is not enough to make others respect them. They are also afraid they will go bankrupt. They are even more afraid that other people will take advantage of them or hurt them. That’s why they suffer. Compared to that of poor people, rich people’s suffering is more complicated and harder to deal with. If everyone in society was equally wealthy and owned the same property, the concept of rich and poor wouldn’t exist. However, that can never be true as human beings get more and more materialistic and more convinced that this material wealth is a basic requirement for happiness. We would not have such suffering if we were lucky enough not to be influenced by these societal beliefs. If we were not influenced by the concept of rich and poor, we would see that reveling in material possessions is not the most important reason that we are here in this world.

It is the same for hardship. People often connect the words hard and suffering. As a matter of fact, hardship itself does not necessarily mean suffering. We resist hardships and don’t want to work hard, but we want all the comforts our peers enjoy. That’s what makes us suffer. While we are busy making comparisons and demands, we neglect to find the very reason why we have to work hard. We may have seen that some people are willing to risk their jobs or their lives to take care of their seriously ill loved ones. Rescue workers know that it is very dangerous for them to jump into a fire, go underground or run through a line of gunfire, but they don’t consider it suffering because of their great compassion for the potential victims. Many people may consider hard mental work to be suffering if a certain task involves a great amount of time and thought. However, it can be seen as very fortunate to have a job that exercises the mind as well as provides an income in the current economic situation. Thus, whether hardship becomes suffering all depends on each person’s attitude.

We often complain about our pain and suffering. Pain is usually accompanied by suffering, like an unchangeable fact. For example, when someone slaps us in the face, it may hurt us, but if we know we have done something wrong to that person and are ready to receive that slap, it doesn’t make us suffer. If, however, that person gives us a slap in the face coupled with contempt for us, purely intended to insult us in front of many people, it will certainly cause us to suffer. Any one of us would feel extremely unhappy after a failure in business, facing bankruptcy, because we have been working hard and tightening our belts over the years. There can be, however, a sizeable gap between that pain and suffering if we clearly know the causes of the failure and accept that failure as a good lesson. Perhaps, the worst suffering for human beings is separation from a loved one. That is why separation is usually compared to having a broken heart. But if we are aware that union and separation are results of causes and conditions that we ourselves have helped create, then we may be aware that a separation may be a chance for two sides to reflect upon themselves in order to create new and better bonds in the future. Thus pain and suffering are not identical, for one is physical and the other has various degrees of emotional entanglement.

There are things in life that are pleasing to us while being contrary to other people’s ideas and, of course, other things that will satisfy others’ needs that are against our interests. That is just natural. We sometimes have conflicting ideas ourselves and may not know why, so how on Earth can external situations always please us? We might have hated some things before but have slowly grown to love them; we might have strongly loved some things in the past but now wince at the sight of them; and we might have disregarded some things as unimportant only to consider them significant later on. Let’s suppose we could achieve all our goals. What would we become and what would our world really be like? Instead of looking deeply into this, we just expect things should be as we want them to be and rarely think carefully whether our desires are really reasonable. That is, we rarely think whether they are necessary and suitable to our ability or our current situations, and whether they have any influence or effect on other people. So, most of our complaints, if looked into closely, are merely about what is contrary to our interests. Obviously, our suffering is not necessarily others’ sufferings.

So, instead of saying we’re suffering, we should say something is really contrary to our interests. This way of defining it will help us review our reactions and aid us in deciding whether reactions were right or not. This is certainly preferable to the continual pursuit of external objects. It will also dawn on us that the notion that life is a sea of suffering is just an attitude or, rather, a fixed idea.

Suffering can be beneficial

We should never forget that we are not isolated individuals and that we are constantly under the influence of a variety of forces, such as friends, family, society and the vast universe as well. No matter how talented we are or how well we have prepared, things contrary to our interests still happen naturally in their own way. Where there are successes, there will be failures; where there is union, there is separation. Why do we only want successes and unions? Who do we leave failures and separations to then? When we’re lucky, why don’t we ask ourselves whether we deserve to enjoy our good fortune and should accept it? Yet when we are cursed with bad luck, why do we always complain and demand fairness? We have enjoyed so many of the gifts from the universe, so from time to time if the universe limits such benefits to distribute them among other people, it’s only natural and there should be nothing to complain about!

Of course, we may need time to accept bigger losses and regain our balance. Thus, it is quite right for us to have strong emotions and reactions in those situations. However, it is really our fault if we just complain about mediocre, if not trivial, matters. For example, we consider it suffering for us when it rains, when there’s a traffic jam, when an appointment is missed, when food doesn’t suit our tastes, or because we are not as tall as we want, age faster than we expect, when nobody asks about us, or even when a lot of people love us. The list of trivial annoyances is endless. Take a closer look at those reactions and see that it is our excessive greed that has driven us into swamps of suffering. We should no longer blame our situations. Nobody can make us suffer if we have correct understanding and a large amount of tolerance. In order to have that large amount of tolerance, we must be able to curtail our desires by eliminating our unnecessary desires. If we see that we can lead our lives steadily and happily without some of the things that we have previously deemed important, we should reject these superfluous things and allow ourselves to be less dependent on our situations, so that we can remain unaffected when these situations change.

We should learn to face difficulties or set up our own way of thinking and living without expecting safety and security at all times so that we can build up endurance. We see children who grow up in protective and comfortable conditions enter society without any social experience to deal with difficult situations, and we see them get disheartened easily and give up immediately if they are criticized just a little bit. It is just like plants growing on soft earth. They look green and fresh but will be blown down easily by a strong wind, while plants growing on a rocky mountain may look tall and thin but are firmly rooted and resilient to wind and storms. Thus, although we don’t expect life to push us into severe situations, we can make our mind strong so that we can withstand all life’s ups and downs.

To have such a strong mind, we must limit our likes and try to accept our dislikes. Likes and dislikes are just emotions that temporarily serve us. We shouldn’t be so quick to complain that life is meaningless without enjoyment. Nobody forbids us to enjoy ourselves, but everything has its price. If we keep serving our foolish selves, we shouldn’t ask why our lives are full of suffering. Of course, no fame or wealth can have a negative impact on a person with a strong mind. Such a person is strong-minded and determined enough to remain unaffected by fame and wealth or uses them for the good of others. In reality, however, the number of people wanting to let go of their customary pleasures is very small. The number of those who can let go is even smaller. In our society, many people are ready to lose moral values in an effort to fight for power or to strive for profits without caring about the consequences. That is why more and more suffering is dumped into life. This situation is humanity’s eternal saga.

It is true that suffering is an undeniable reality, but its properties are in flux. Suffering is not a defect of life. Actually, there is no suffering in the deepest sense, for suffering is created by our minds. Because our conscious mind doesn’t operate in the right way, it creates reactions against situations that it considers contrary to its operation—this is suffering. It is therefore fortunate that our conscious mind is a flexible thing that can be adjusted. We can start by understanding that things related to us are always interconnecting with everything around us. In that way, we won’t continue to create selfish reactions. At the same time, we need to skillfully observe and analyze the habits that we have developed over the years. The process of removing those negative psychological emotions is the process of overcoming suffering. The less our self-love gets hurt, the less we suffer. When we stop thinking about our ego, we stop suffering.

Indeed, we should be grateful to suffering because it can help us understand what happiness is as well as build up our stamina so that we develop the survival instincts hidden within us. Similarly, if we never get lost, we will not know that we have fear; if we are never insulted, we will not clearly know how angry we can get; if we are never deceived, we will not know how easily we can be hurt; and if we are never deserted, we will not know our real emotional weakness. It is the expression of our survival instincts that helps us to clearly see all the hidden corners of the mental afflictions that create suffering. By understanding these, we can figure out how to adjust our consciousness and our way of life to be in harmony with the universe. We may then understand ourselves, have compassion grow inside us, and tread a more leisurely path through the trials and tribulations of this world without fear of the unexpected.

So, how we feel suffering all depends on our minds, for it is the mind which has the power to create, as well as cast away, this suffering.

If there were no suffering

We wouldn’t know happiness

Thanks to our dreams recently

We’ve come back to awareness.

2

Happiness

No happiness comes from Heaven, and no paradise consists solely of happiness because the concept of happiness exists only when people can feel suffering.

Satisfying emotions

Happiness has always been mankind’s strongest desire. However, happiness has been understood quite differently from society to society and from era to era, and these understandings have been formed by both collective and individual views. There are those who suffer misfortune after misfortune, so they may assert that no happiness exists in the world, while the young may continue to dream, convinced of finding perfect happiness at the end of the road they are following. Generations of people have sought happiness all their lives like a game of hide-and-seek. They sometimes grasp it only to have it melt away immediately. Sometimes when people think they have nothing, happiness unexpectedly comes. Though everyone hopes to find happiness, most people find difficulty defining what it truly is, giving little other than a confused smile when asked.

Haven’t we, like many young people, felt the joy of receiving a degree after struggling with books for years? But soon after that, we complain that true happiness will only arrive when we find a well-paid job to gain admiration from friends. Perhaps that feeling of happiness will not stay for long before the desire to marry the one we love becomes the key to being truly happy. Predictably, our anxious expectations to have children, build a happy home and please both families will follow. Those happy days can quickly pass and our aspirations may turn to leaving the extended family to form a nuclear one, to own an expensive apartment and then, of course, to feel real happiness. But what is this uneasy feeling when seeing friends drive the latest cars? What about when we see their children going to very prestigious schools or hear of the admiration they receive due to their significant posts? We are worried that if we can’t catch up with them, our current version of happiness will be devalued and disappear into mediocrity.

Thus, we keep dropping one piece of happiness to chase another and, believing that the grass really is greener on the other side of the fence, never knowing what happiness actually is. Even though we know that happiness is an emotion we feel when we are comfortable and satisfied upon achieving our expectations, we just can’t explain why such good feelings come and go so quickly. We pay no attention. We don’t even bother to reflect on it. We keep moving forward, clutching at the next thing that we are sure we cannot be happy without. It’s really interesting: if we don’t know what can make us happy right now, how can we be sure what will make us happy later on? Is happiness a matter for the present or the future? Does happiness require all the optimum conditions to exist? If so, can people without those conditions ever be happy?

Actually, conditions for happiness always exist, but they no longer attract us. It is not because they lose their significance to us; it is instead due to our limited attention, our uncanny ability to get bored because what we need to feel satisfied constantly changes. It is partially because our satisfaction instinct is too strong, and partially because we are affected by the social attitudes around us. Sometimes we struggle for a dozen years to buy a luxury item. Are we afraid that life will be too close to a subsistence level without it? Or will owning it let everyone know who we are? In striving to get it, there is no joy. All our struggles to obtain as many material and psychological comforts (like honor) as possible, serve only to satisfy our emotions, and to soothe our never-ending desires for satisfaction.

If happiness can be defined simply as emotions being satisfied, then at this very moment we are holding in our hands countless conditions to achieve happiness. Why then, do we say we are unhappy? We have bright eyes to see the things and the people we love, we have strong legs that can take us wherever we want, we have a stable job that brings a steady income and makes use of our talents, we have a loving family that we can fall back on, we have sufficient knowledge to permit us the discovery of the wide world, we have a good heart which allows us to accept and grow closer to any person on the earth, as well as numerous other benefits we may care to think about. Are they not all sufficient conditions for happiness? If we just look deeply, we will see that we own a lot, much more than we think. There is no need to be so quick in complaining to God or Mother Earth that we are the unhappiest person in the world just because of a few dissatisfactions.

This is why wise people will save the time and energy needed to create their path by retaining the happiness values that they have at any time, rather than rushing hastily towards the future to search for things that can only bring fleeting emotional satisfaction. We can find happiness in a peaceful life with few material comforts. We can feel happy even when our lives are unstable simply by recognizing the privilege we have in just being alive. When we look at a dying person in a hospital bed, a person scrambling through the rubble after an earthquake, a person who nearly lost a loved one forever, we can know how happiness feels. Their happiness is very simple—sometimes only requiring a breath of air, a handful of rice or just a final look at each other. When we think of happiness like this, we see no special kind of happiness in the future and so shouldn’t waste our time seeking it. To put it bluntly, all the future holds is just different kinds of emotions. These emotions are addictions, and we will never have enough!

Satisfying the mind

We cannot be happy in a warm comfortable bed when we hear that a beloved person is stuck in a blizzard. In such a moment, the feeling of happiness from staying warm in bed loses priority. It would please us to be there in time to help our beloved person get out of trouble, even if we have to suffer the terrible cold of the blizzard. This situation is similar to that of parents who work hard for long hours to make money to pay for their children’s food and education. They physically endure a hard life, but they feel truly happy for having fulfilled their wishes for their children. The same can be said for political activists. Although they can be tortured, they still feel proud, happy or even ready to die because they have made contributions towards the liberation of their people. In this, we can see that happiness is only concerned with good feelings. At times, we may have to sacrifice those good feelings for a more significant kind of happiness. That happiness is satisfying the mind.

Although satisfying the mind is still a form of satisfying our ego, doing whatever it takes to achieve our goals, it is a more subtle satisfaction that we can only realize by paying it close attention. It goes beyond the mediocre requirements of habit. We make every effort to endure pain and make use of all our understanding and skills to deal with difficulties. Therefore, its qualities are certainly more durable than the kind of happiness that is simply created by waves of emotion. That is because the nature of emotion keeps changing due to consciousness and the influences of our surroundings. Therefore we can see that happiness created by satisfying our emotions requires more conditions than happiness that is made by satisfying the mind.

When we are in a difficult situation and facing hardships, we should take care not to immediately resist it. First, we must understand that we are pursuing an important or lofty goal and in doing so, we cannot expect the usual comforts. Even if the difficulty of a situation becomes painful, we still shouldn’t run away immediately. Instead we should realize that it is the pain that allows us to understand what happiness is. It is just like the situation where we value food highly after we have suffered hunger, where we appreciate sunshine because we have suffered the cold of winter, where we cherish every moment of togetherness because we have suffered the loss that is caused by separation and where we have a greater love of life because we have been close to death. It is in this fashion that we should not be afraid of suffering, nor should we separate happiness from suffering because without it, we would be unaware of what happiness truly is. The happiness within suffering is like the gem or jewel that only exists in the rock or the lotus that only grows from the mud. Without toiling through masses of rock, you will never find a gemstone, and without muddying your hands, you will never grow a lotus flower.

Thus, no happiness comes from Heaven, and no paradise consists solely of happiness because the concept of happiness exists only when people can feel suffering. Happiness cannot exist without suffering. What place is more wonderful than this Earth where both happiness and suffering are found!

True happiness

The happiness obtained from living with our loved ones doesn’t remain the same after a couple of years. The happiness obtained from being able to buy a dream house usually tends to fade after a couple of months. The happiness obtained from a promotion is usually forgotten after a couple of weeks. And the happiness obtained from being praised usually evaporates after only a couple of hours. Then we crave for something else, readily believing that some new object in the future will bring happiness that will last longer. In this way, we can see our happiness is basically short-lived. Sometimes, it takes us a lot of time and energy to obtain happiness but then it mercilessly leaves us. It is the nature of the things outside of us. We borrow external conditions to invent something that will satisfy us. It is no wonder that we ultimately have no control over it. Despite knowing this, we have no way to remedy this pursuit of happiness because we are unable to escape from under the dark shadow of our own ambitions.

In fact, happiness obtained from emotions being satisfied and happiness obtained from the mind being satisfied both come from inside us rather than from external conditions. But due to a lack of understanding, we just imagine that we can’t be happy without a particular object that we have set our sights on. External conditions are necessary, but only minimally. True happiness is the psychological state of not wanting anything else to serve ourselves, while not needing to get rid of anything we consider unbeneficial. It is better described as contentment and acceptance. It is true because it is the kind of happiness which is obtained from our peace of mind and is not completely reliant on external situations. That is why happiness and peace should go together—peace and happiness—to be long-lasting. Isn’t life worth living for a person who has little money, no power and no admiration from anyone yet lives at ease, can smile at all times and can profoundly feel the miraculous values of the here and now?

To some extent, everyone is greedy and aversive. Many people have undergone some big changes in their lives and their energy for greed and aversion has decreased, but most of those who feel true happiness have made great efforts on a daily basis to transform those old attitudes. Actually, greed and aversion are reactions that have long served our foolish selves. Happiness inside us will extend infinitely if we can realize our essential natures and if we can live while being mindful and understanding of what we are doing, as well as how we are doing it. We will find true happiness if we can learn to let go of unnecessary greed and aversion, and allow our miniscule selves to evaporate into the universe and to work in harmony with everyone and everything.

Thus, we can feel as much happiness as our mind allows, because happiness naturally exists inside us—right here and right now.

Smile while looking at a flower

Let go of all doubt

Happiness is here and now

Though foolishly sought forever.

3

Love

How can we love somebody else while we still love ourselves so much? Even if we do love somebody, we just do it for our own good.

Having fallen in love

People in Vietnam often joke that Love hurts, but not to love is to lose/ I’d rather get hurt than lose. There is truth in this joke. Despite the warning that love hurts, most people would rather get hurt in order to have the feeling of being in love, because, as the poet Xuan Dieu said: How can we live without love, without missing or loving someone. Life would be meaningless without love. It would then be death. But if we are afraid of pain and don’t dare to love anyone, can we be sure that we would lead a happier life? There are lots of other things in life, not just love, which can make us suffer. Countless numbers of people around us suffer in the name of love, so why should we be afraid? Is love really as scary as we think?

Love is basically natural human inclination. If we just love a river, a paddy field, our hometown, or disadvantaged people, etc., we won’t feel miserable. But we will feel miserable when the objects we love are so attractive that they can have an impact on our desires, causing us to miss them day and night, lose our appetite, lose our sleep and make us try to get them no matter what it takes. The poet Nguyen Du described this state of mind very well in the following verse: Having fallen in love, one traps oneself within it/ Therefore in peaceful places, one can’t relax or sit still/ As if under a spell cast by ghosts and devils, one seeks the path to disasters. When the emotion of love bursts, we can no longer keep ourselves under control. Our minds are turned upside down. Ensnared, we just keep moving forward like a sleepwalker oblivious to where we are going, even though we are about to step on the edge of a spike-trap. People in the West call this state "falling in love," that is, being put under a spell of love, or it may be understood more literally as stumbling into love.

As the feelings surrounding romantic love are so strong, they can dominate the mind and even other feelings and emotions. No wonder we become more or less blind when we are in love, seeing the object of our affections as very different from others and seeing everything else as perfectly rosy. That’s why we want to remove the boundary of our selves and invite that person to step in, and of course, we also want that person to make room for us in his or her heart. Sometimes, we even want to give that person our whole life, so we valiantly declare, I love you with all my heart. In reality, nobody would love someone with all their heart without expecting to receive something in return, so that declaration is made out of the loss of emotional control in wanting to satisfy our physical desires or just to feel needed because another person’s care and attention. We will withdraw in a hurry when that rosy color of love begins to fade.

Such love is just a way of exchanging emotions while true love must contain loving-kindness, an attitude of being ready to give and share everything in order to support each other. We might have mistakenly thought that romantic love is ranked higher than loving-kindness.