Slow Dance: A Novel

CHAPTER 1

It Begins

Sheila Branford is good to the bone. She’s never strayed from the narrow path of her life. Why risk it? This one led her to a good job at a prestigious college; it got her a husband who’s a good provider and two precious children. That she’s miserable shouldn’t enter into the equation

Eyes mostly male, turn her way as she enters the opening breakfast of a conference for higher education executives. Their appraisals are positive, but for a forty-two-year-old wife and mother, it matters not. She bites her lower lip, takes a deep breath, and affixes the smile that makes her appear more confident than she really is. It’s her first time at this meeting and she knows few of the hundred-some college and university types in attendance. Two women, crisp, almost neuter in appearance, are inviting her to join them when someone grabs her arm. It’s Roy Fitzgerald, a Southerner she’d met at an earlier conference.

Hey darlin’, come add some class to this table. Y’all, this gentlewoman is Sheila Branford, she heads the Community Affairs Office at Riel College, somewhere up here in the frozen North.

Roy! Sheila laughs, Do you see any ice on this perfect summer day? And Riel, just FYI, is about an hour south of here, near Milwaukee.

"Wherever it is, darlin’, it’s a better place when you’re there! Now, these folks have the good sense to hail from locales where this kind of weather isn’t just a July thing. Ron’s from Mississippi, Mike is from Arkansas, and Alabama’s lucky to have Betty. As you know,

I’m a Georgia peach, and that rough-rider across from you is Florida through and through."

The career woman, wife and mother smiles professionally from one to another; her mask is compromised, however, when she gets to the Floridian. What lucky woman gets to look at this every day? Pleasantries are exchanged as she imagines the family such a face must have. It’s big: the fruits of a fabulous sex life, loving, too, because his warmth seems to be pulling me into his arms in a sort of virtual embrace.

His name is T. Earl Langley and he hails from Pine Springs College, located in north central Florida. A place, he says, where towering pines and ancient oaks have room to stretch and yawn.

Sheila flashes on her lifelong love for the Sunshine State. It’s not for us, dear. We belong in Wisconsin, had been her mother’s reply whenever little Sheila proposed they live in Florida.

He doesn’t just belong in Florida. He owns it! Something stirs between her thighs. Frightened by the sensation, she steers their conversation to the sexless issues of higher education. Only once does she reveal anything personal. It’s a self-serving remark about the critters on Earl’s cap.

Oh! I just realized those funny little guys are armadillos. My son, Chase, loves armadillos. He’d be trying to peel those off your hat, even as we speak! Try as she might, it’s impossible to go for long without talking about one, or both, of her precious children. Is your school mascot really an armadillo?

No, they’re the moles ‘cuz they can’t see to catch anything! Roy cuts in.

Darlin’, we’re the Attacking Armadillos.

Yeah, they think they can play football, another buddy chides.

I see, Sheila says, pausing for effect, so do we! Everyone laughs, understanding her college is better known for brains than brawn.

When the colleagues adjourn to a conference room for the first session Sheila selects her usual seat in the front row. She’s gazing out the window, wondering what her children are doing, when a belt buckle embedded with something’s teeth blocks her vision. Tilting her head all the way back she finds Earl’s eyes. They’re focused on an array of armadillo paraphernalia which he holds in two huge hands.

Those eyes! They’re the same color as that duck...what’s it called?

For Chase! he proclaims.

Thanks, Teal. They’re teal green. I’ll see he shares them with his sister.

You’ve got a little girl, too? You’re so lucky! I’ll get some for her. He rushes off to return with more armadillo stickers, whistles, squirt guns, and erasers.

Wow, how generous! Her silver blues meet the teal greens.

You stir me, too.

It’s the message he’s been seeking. But Sheila finds the attention embarrassing. The queen of conversation has nothing to say. Feeling stupid, she looks away. Earl, understanding more than she does, moves on. Something has passed between them, and experience tells him a possibility exists, a possibility of what? He has no clue, but the beautiful blonde from the Midwest is worth knowing.

Neither lunch nor the breaks framing the sessions bring the two together again. From a distance, Sheila observes the Florida guy as he floats from meeting to meeting like a Spanish galleon in amid an armada of fiberglass dinghies. He isn’t here for professional education alone. While others labor at working the room, he spends time on the few he really likes. In turn, their greetings to him are the kind bestowed on a lifelong friend.

As the sessions conclude, Sheila runs to her room to phone home. Talking to Allie, six, and Chase, four, always works like a tonic. After several minutes of lively kiddie-talk, Sheila checks in with Mara, their Polish sitter. "Tak, tak, all good," the woman confirms.

Confident all’s well, she relaxes, content in her mommy-hood. I have everything in this role. It’s the crowning achievement of everything I ever hoped to accomplish. God, how I love them! A deeper, more complete rapture I’ve never known. She pauses; knowing there’s trouble in her next thought. So why am I so miserable? No! 1 can’t do this; this isn’t the time to get into a funk!

She stalks into the bathroom to confront the woman in the mirror. You have everything. she scolds her reflection. Can’t you just be happy?

The face doesn’t buy it. If having it all is what you’ve spent your life pursuing, why, when you have so much, are you so empty?

Stop it! she screams in a stage whisper. Turning her back on the mirror, she escapes into the shower. The warm water feels wonderful on her skin. This isn ‘t a bad conference. That session on crisis management will come in handy, the town and gown stuff too. The people are nice. Those Southerners are a riot. As she’s thinking, slippery hands slide from neck to shoulders, arms, and chest, they encircle her breasts once, twice, three times. Pinching her nipples, she thinks of him and her breath grows shallow. With this arousal comes a deeper, more meaningful one. Earl’s perfect face fixes in her mind’s eye, and soapy fingers move downward ... No! She halts what she’s about to do. What the . . . ? How dare that man enter my mind and try to make love to me? How dare I let him?

Furious with herself, Sheila exits the shower, dons her most conservative outfit, and trudges to the hospitality center for an Earl-free evening. Later, she gives herself high marks for the distance she’s kept between herself and Mr. Langley.

He got the message, all right, perhaps too well, because the next morning she doesn’t seem to exist for the man from Florida. Rats! I hadn’t intended to alienate him to the extent we can’t be friends. Besides, the most enjoyable people at this conference are his buds. To steer clear of him would mean missing the good spirits of the entire Southern contingent. That’s just not acceptable. O.K., so maybe I should work at establishing a purely professional liaison with Mr. T. Earl Langley.

The bond forms instantly as Earl returns Sheila’s businesslike attention. At lunch, the two chat politely, and by dinner, they are inseparable. Sheila’s enjoying herself so much that when Roy asks who wants to go out for a farewell drink, she steps forward saying she’ll join them as soon as she calls home. Her husband, Charles, answers the phone with a checklist of information. The nurse called. Your mom’s hallucinating again. Allie’s invited to Meridy Carty’s birthday party next Friday, and Mara wants to take off the day after tomorrow.

O.K. Charles, tomorrow I’ll call Dr. Black to get Mom’s meds readjusted. And I’ll arrange for a student from the college to stay with the kids so Mara can take the day off. Gosh, Meridy’s party is the fifth one Allie’s been invited to this month! Our six-year-old has a better social life than we have. Silence I said Allie goes out more than we do!

Uh, yeah. He seems preoccupied, probably doing paperwork or watching television.

I’m about to join some folks at a place called the Boilermaker. It’s our last chance to commiserate. See you tomorrow, hon.

An accountant in a big Milwaukee firm, Charles is familiar with such get-togethers. Fine, have fun, She. He clicks off.

As they pull into the Boilermaker’s parking lot, Sheila realizes it’s the kind of drinking establishment located in any rural U.S. town. The Southern contingent laughs to see a Wisconsin tavern so closely resembling its own watering holes. Even the pool-playing clientele looks familiar, with T-shirts stretched taut over beer bellies and jeans hanging off butts. Their girlfriends, too, make the Southerners feel at home as they adorn the bar in their Yankee version of redneck chic. Sheila watches them with interest. They don’t turn her off; in fact, she almost envies their enjoyment of the here and now. Staring at them, she remembers her summers in the small resort town of Water Haven. What fun I had before I became politically correct and sexless!

Earl comes up, putting a beer in her hand and an arm around her shoulder. This, she thinks, drawing dangerous energy from his touch, this is anything but sexless. They stand close, each sensing the electricity swirling around them. Sheila loves the rush and wants to prolong it, but within that smoldering shiver is an entire universe to be denied. Come now, I’m forty-two years old; nothing’s going to happen. This thinking gets her out on the dance floor, and into Earl’s arms. The Righteous Brothers throb, You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’ while slow fingers caress the small of her back. Suddenly, the sensation feels provocative and cheap. This can’t be happening! I’m too good, too normal, and way too married to be doing this. What, besides this guy’s killer good looks, pulls me to him so? She draws back to consult the teal greens. They validate her confusion with a Rhett Butler twinkle. He’s laughing at me! Angered, she pulls away, feigning interest in the jukebox.

In a heartbeat, Earl is at her side, and as she pretends to scan the song titles, this object of who-knows-how-many-women’s dreams, grabs her hand. She stands paralyzed as the circuit is completed. No way! I won’t go there! I can’t. But what if I do?

Earl, sensing her panic, hands her a dollar. Here, pick some tunes.

In no time, she’s selected five country songs. The choice earns her a long, slow smile. I didn’t have you figured as a country music gal.

I love country, but I never listened to it until six years ago when my car radio scanned to a country station. I’ve been hooked ever since. My husband hates it though. He says something happened to my chemistry when I was pregnant with Allie to make me love it as I do.

People sell country short. There’s more to it than they’d like to admit.

Yeah, like a message. For me, it’s causing some pretty disturbing thoughts to surface.

How so? Now she really has his attention.

For the first time, ever, Sheila decides to give credence to something she’s been denying for years. I’m a much simpler person than my lifestyle allows me to be. Somehow, the sophisticated nature of my life just kind of evolved. It’s more the product of circumstances than planning.

That’s easy to let happen, but there’s a danger that some day you’ll wake up inside a life you hate.

True. Sheila’s voice sounds flat. She’s thinking about something to do with her mom.

Sensing another mood change, Earl steers her to a barstool where he introduces the topic of his only son, Ryan. Pride flows from his description of the young man tough enough to play international soccer yet sensitive enough to write poetry in his spare time.

So he doesn’t have a large family! Sheila’s dying to ask about his wife, but that subject’s better left alone. Instead, she volunteers more than enough information about Allie and Chase and what it’s like to be the oldest mom on the playground.

Suddenly, one of the locals is all over Roy for moving a cue ball. What had seemed to be an abandoned pool game was really one waiting for its players to return from a trip to the bar. No big deal, for most, an apology would suffice, but these rednecks have their own form of retribution in mind. A fight seems seconds away.

Ya no good motha’fucka! Ya think ya’s’much better’n us? Y’need ta learn a lesson! We’ll teach ya t’break up our game!

Is there a code of conduct for pool players everywhere never to interrupt someone else ‘s game? In the drama, Sheila sees laborersretaliating against the unjust treatment of a fancy tourist. Profanity aside, she can understand their rage.

The underdogs show their true colors, however, when they demand, So asshole, what ya gonna do about it? How ya gonna make it right?

Roy looks from one to the other as their agenda sinks in. Swallowing his anger, he drawls, I’m so sorry, how ‘bout I buy you boys a round, nah, make it two rounds of drinks?

The boys, as Roy calls them, relax visibly. Straining to hide their satisfaction, Well, O.K., but it ain’t right.

No, it ain’t, now he’s toying with them, but it’s just something I gotta do, know what I mean? He smiles and ambles over to the bar where he plunks down the bills that will buy his way out of a fight.

Sheila is transfixed. She’s never, before, seen a sting. They set that whole thing up, waiting for the game to be interrupted, then feigning indignation! Believe so, sweet pea, probably do it every night, at least when tourists are around.

Sheila feels stupid for initially sympathizing with the locals. Then, angered by their con her thoughts turn to Roy. Would he have been so conciliatory on his own turf? I think not. But in the midst of his associates, especially females, this Southern gentleman turned the other cheek.

The excitement has cooled Sheila’s fever for Earl. Evidently it did the same for him as he’s accepting an invitation to play pool at one of the truly unoccupied tables. Sheila looks around and decides to join Erica and Kelly, two colleagues who are neither men’s women nor women’s women. Each is able to walk the narrow line between the two and be liked by both sexes.

Someone is showing them an e-mail device about the size of a pocket watch. Kelly grabs it to send a message to her husband. From the way she talks about him, it’s easy to tell they’re crazy for each other. Sheila wonders what x-rated text her friend is digitally whispering to her guy. While Kelly’s involved, Sheila turns to Erica, wondering if she’s noticed the current flowing between her and Earl. If she has, she isn’t letting it show. Instead, the lovely, Irish-featured brunette is forthcoming with information about herself. She’s married to a great guy who has a daughter from a previous marriage. No, she has no children of her own, and yes, sometimes she wondersif she’s missing something. But most of the time, her husband and stepdaughter make her so happy that having a baby of her own doesn’t seem important.

Gosh, Sheila interrupts tactlessly, my children are the only worthwhile things in my world. Without them, my life would be, as my hero, Henry David Thoreau would say, ‘frittered away by detail.’

Really? What’s so tedious?

Oh. nothing, really, Sheila backpedals. Then, struggling to resurrect her glass half-full identity, she adds, I shouldn’t have said that. My life is great, it’s just a little frantic right now.

I hear ya! Erica raises her glass to Sheila. Here’s to the quiet times, moments when we can sit and think, and put everything into perspective.

Sheila smiles and drinks to the toast, but silently concedes, the quiet times are my enemy too. They’re when I’m hardest on myself for not loving Charles the way I should. How stupid I was to think I could light my passion through the sheer will of wanting to love him that way!

A merry band of colleagues swaggers their way. Southern Comfort, having flowed in abundance, manifests itself in the group’s high spirits. Someone suggests the revelry continue in the hot tub at the lodge. Most think it’s a great plan.

A communal hot tub session with this group might be innocent enough, but Sheila’s not sure. Riding back to the lodge, she inventories all the good things in her life: great kids, super job, nice husband. Nothing is worth losing all that.

I’ll get the key to the pool area, someone calls. The rest of the group stands on the sidewalk like children waiting for a school bell.

We might as well stay here to be sure we can get the key before we get into our bathing suits, Erica observes.

Suits? Are we supposed to wear suits? Roy’s whining puts Sheila’s instincts on high alert. They intensify as the conversation moves on to the subject of spouses. None are allowed at this conference. What would they do if they knew skinny-dipping were on the agenda?

Don’t tell me you married folks don’t skinny dip! Earl protests.

I do, with my hubby! Kelly volunteers.

Well, I’m not married, been single going on fourteen years. Earl stares at Sheila and gets real quiet, leaving his thoughts to everyone’s imagination.

Single? He’s single, free, and clear? And I’m in big trouble. In an almost psychic way, she knows this is a man for whom she could leave her husband. The key arrives and all make haste to change into their suits.

CHAPTER 2

Home

No way are you going to that hot tub! He’s slime, his jokes are dirty, he doesn’t use good grammar, and you’re married! Sheila is ordering, almost begging the woman in the mirror to stay in her room.

The face doesn’t agree. He uses good grammar when he wants to and he has a fantastic sense of humor. Admit it, in one day you’ve had more fun, felt more alive than you have in years.

No, I’m not made that way. I won’t stray from the path that’s been laid for me, not ever! Too uptight to sleep, Sheila paces around the room wishing she’d had a lot more to drink. And, damn it all, she’d forgotten to pack her Unisom. She has nothing to help her escape this night. Her thoughts fly to the hot tub. They’re there now. Is he pissed I didn’t show? Does he think I treated him like a boy toy, leading him on then ditching him when the mood passed? Why do I care what he thinks? Duh, it’s because I do feel something, and this was a really narrow escape.

There’ll be no sleeping tonight, so she decides to lie on the bed that faces the window. At least, I’ll be able to watch the pageantry of dawn. For the next four hours, she does so, summoning the good forces within to put down the feelings that threaten her reputation, her job and, most of all, her family. At 6:00 AM, an embattled Sheila gropes her way to the shower. Sweet Jesus, I’m going home in worse shape than I arrived!

Out of the shower, she spends little time on her makeup and even less dressing. Her packing is haphazard; conference materials anddirty laundry share the same compartment of her carry all. She chuckles at the irony of this and slams the door to her room. After a night of tossing, only an omelet, loaded with the works, will do. In the breakfast line, two arms wrap around her from behind. It’s Durwood, a man from a college out East. Sheila, doll, we were worried about you last night.

Worried? Why would anyone worry about me? she asks, irate that someone she hardly knows would call her doll.

Well, you know, you left with a pretty rough crowd, the Easterner stammers.

And you feared I’d be led astray by the leader of the pack? For God’s sake, Durwood, I’m forty-two!

Come on, Sheila, don’t misread this. It’s just that we care about you.

Well, please thank the ‘we’ for their collective concern! By now, her omelet is ready, so she dumps on enough hot sauce to match her mood and heads for the table where the self-appointed worrier is sitting. As she devours the spicy feast, she regales him with details of the outing to the Boilermaker. Ironically, she’s defending the group, and particularly, Earl, for being the fun loving people they are. I’ll take them any day over this guy, so ready to accept stereotypes as valid indicators of behavior.

Most of last night’s players have made it to breakfast, but Earl is missing in action. Is it a response to her snub or too much Southern Comfort? Bloodshot eyes confirm the latter theory when she sees him in the lobby.

You weren’t at breakfast, she observes.

He nods, I could say business kept me away, but you’d know better. Anyway, good luck this year. With a sad smile, Earl heads for the door.

He does think I led him on! He’s a colleague, yet I treated him like a pickup. He’s not slime, I am. I’m a sleaze with latent family morals, and I turned a potentially good friend into a cool acquaintance.

To keep her guilt from hitching a ride, Sheila decides to be proactive. She’ll call Earl the very next day. From the safety of her office, over a thousand miles away, she’ll explain she’s committed to her marriage, but if he agrees, they can still enjoy a professional relationship. And the gentleman in Earl will concur. With this assurance, Sheila speeds away from the lodge, wanting only to get home where her little ones will make everything better. Everything except this undertow that’s been dragging me down all summer! She’s pretty sure it has something to do with her mother. It’s not the sadness of Mom’s Parkinson’s disease, nor is it the time it takes for Sheila to run the support systems that enable her to stay in her home. What is it that’s causing Sheila to see her mother in a less loving light? She remembers, as a child, being deeply, madly in love with her mother. Her beautiful, talented mother was the font of everything wonderful. None of her little friends had moms who did as much, gave as much, or were as much fun as her own sweet Mommy. As the years passed, she and her mother became entwined in the closest and least healthy of mother-daughter relationships. Through positive and negative reinforcement, little Sissy had learned that the price of her mother’s addictive love was obedience in the most absolute sense, even to the extent of marrying her mother’s—not her own—choice of a husband.

Sheila wonders what’s triggering such hostility about something her mother did so long ago. When it comes, the answer ricochets off the pavement almost shattering the windshield with its force. Earl! Earl is the embodiment of all that I gave up to keep Mom’s love! She speeds on for a good ten minutes, stewing in contempt for her mother’s maneuverings. As usual though, she forces herself to reign in her anger. This isn’t good. I shouldn’t allow this to bother me so. I’m in my fifteenth year of marriage to a good man, and, if I love him like a brother, so what? I have wonderful kids, great in-laws, and soon, we’ll be moving into a brand new home on the shore of Lake Michigan.

Sheila is depending on their upcoming move to solve everything that’s wrong with her life. Long ago, she’d bought into a lifestyle to which she was ill-suited. Prior to that, it had been her dream to pull a Thoreau As in her hero’s own words, she’d wanted to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life. It had meant that, upon graduating from college, she’d leave her hometown of Richmond Heights for a place away from possessions and money. There’d be no TV, telephone, labor-saving appliances, but certainly, there would be a dog, books, and plenty of paper and pens for writing. Her objective would be to escape the details by which she’d seen others fritter their lives away. But the pride of being offered a great teaching position cooled the flames of her Thoreau dream, and before long, the demands of teaching, her father’s untimely death, and her engagement to Charles snuffed it out. Sheila rationalized that a cabin her grandfather had built on a lake was a worthy substitute for the real thing. When the children were born, she and Charles bought their own cottage on the same lake. To investigate places on other lakes never occurred to Sheila. Her mother’s pull was that strong. Even so, when she informed the matriarch they’d be moving to a place within a five-minute walk, she was treated, yet again, to the negative reinforcement of her mother’s withdrawal. The guilt this caused had driven Sheila to spend even more time at her mom’s cottage, caring for her, but really, yielding to her control.

What’s wrong with me? Why couldn’t I see what was happening? How disgusted Thoreau would be to see me now! Not to worry, soon I’ll be living on Lake Michigan and it will fill me with all the nature and solitude I need. Maybe Charles and I will kindle flames of our own with fires on the beach! Until then, I must do whatever it takes to keep my disgruntled psyche in tact. And in just five minutes, I’ll see Allie and Chase!

Homecomings, whether from business trips or a day at the office, are joyous occasions. Having had her children after years of trying makes her covet each second she can spend with them. These days, thoughts of quitting her job to have more time with them dart in and out of her consciousness. Once, employment at the college provided challenge and fulfillment. Now, after a twelve-year climb to the directorship of her department, she feels consumed by the minutiae of politics and protocol.

Mommy! Mommy’s home! A noisy confusion greets her as she climbs from the car. When the screen door is finally unhooked, the only two reasons any of it is worthwhile spill into her arms. Four-year-old Chase, in his black and white striped Oshkosh B’Gosh overalls, looks like a miniature engineer with platinum blond curls. Six-year-old Allie, with wide green eyes and honey-blonde braids, is cuter than Heidi ever was. Behind them is Mara, eager to go home after a long day.

Mommy, we made booberry cake! Chase announces.

"Blueberry crisp, Allie corrects, and we did hopscotch."

Neat! Sheila says, savoring the sweetness of home. She perches her little ones on the kitchen counter so they can talk at eye level. Tell me about camp.

I got a blue ribbon because I finished all my crafts. That means I’m a Super Fruit Loop! Allie proclaims with pride.

That’s great, honey-pie! The camp has taken its division names from the cereal aisle at the supermarket. Cheerios, Wheaties, and Cocoa Krispies are all worthy competitors. Sheila smiles as she envisions Allie’s future job résumé featuring Super Fruit Loop as an outstanding achievement.

I’m proud of you, too, little buddy! How was your day?

Bad, Chase frowns, face grimacing with remembered pain.

What happened?

I got hurt, he says, trying to sound pathetic.

Allie interrupts before her brother can arouse too much sympathy. He fell off the glider.

It bleeded! Chase protests, chagrined that big sister thwarted his theatrics.

Not much! Allie’s ready for battle.

Whoa, now, Sheila separates the siblings, wondering when this rivalry escalated so.

Chase pulls up his overalls to expose a fresh bandage. Sheila peeks at the wound. That looks nasty. How did you fall? Were you sitting down?

Yes...really!

Sheila looks suspicious.

I was sitting, but I had to make it go fast.

Uh, huh, Sheila gives her son a haven’t-I-told-you look.

Chase, adorable in his guilt, I’m sorry, Mommy!

Hugging both kids, she feels the regret of not being there, wherever and whenever the there is. Tradeoffs, it’s all about tradeoffs.

Thirty minutes later, they’re in her Seville, on their way to Grandma’s. Allie fingers the Indian doll Mommy brought her while little brother aims his new slingshot toward oncoming cars. Good trip treats? Sheila asks, and receives adamant nods. My treat is I get to be with you two! I’ll bet Wookie will be thrilled to have her playmates back. She mentions her mom’s adorable terrier to ease the kids’ disappointment at having to go to Grandma’s so soon after her return. As her mother’s health has declined, these thrice-weekly visits have hardened into tedious obligation for her and for the kids, too. Parkinson’s disease has disabled her mother to the extent that she now requires twenty-four hour care. On good days, Sheila understands her desire to remain in her own home. On bad ones, she grits her teeth with resolve. If this is what Mom wants, I’m the one who has to make it happen. And making it happen is like running an exclusive nursing home for one. Sheila is the chief administrator, overseeing quality control and the hiring and firing of the caregivers. Over the years, these employees have evolved from the licensed practical nurses they really couldn’t afford, to cleaning women with no medical training but tons of warmth and common sense. The job is hard but the pay exceeds what they’d make housekeeping. It’s three days on and two off. Two or three women rotate the schedule, and Sheila tries to be present for the changing of the guard, to dispense paychecks, and deal with whatever issues have arisen.

Louada is Mom’s favorite caregiver. She’s an attractive African American whose strength matches her size. Mz. R.’s doing fine, she assures Sheila. But those people she sees put the fright in her. It makes my hair stand up when she screams at them. Sheila reminds herself to call the doctors about adjusting the meds. And, we need stronger bed rails, the front door won’t shut tight, and the toilet in your ma’s bathroom runs all the time. Louada checks to see if Sheila has heard. She nods, nerves tightening as the to-do list grows. Moving through the ideal kitchen of the fifties, she wonders when it was her childhood home became such a time capsule. Crossing the speckled linoleum floor to a tired aqua hall, she spies her mother hunched sideways in her favorite chair. Over time, it has grown enormous as her mother’s size has diminished with age and disease.

Hi, Mom!

Honey, where’ve you been? Did you see that little girl?

Allie? She’s right here. Sheila brings her daughter forward.

No! The one who keeps tearing around the house, I have to call the police but Louada won’t let me. She isn’t nice, she won’t take me to the bathroom, and she...

First, Mom, let’s visit. Would you like some tea?

No. Where’s my grandson? Chase! Her voice is screechy thin.

The little boy appears. He’s been roaming the house, looking for the girl. If I find her, Grandma, I’ll get her with my slingshot!

Both children approach their grandmother for the kisses they know are mandatory. She loves them deeply and there was a time when they loved her back without hesitation. That was when she shook less and smiled more. Now Grandma’s wheelchair, her jumpy cold hands, and rigid body are scary. Hating to see their affection growing distant, Sheila insists they always give their Granny a hug and kiss. If they were to refuse, it would shatter what’s left of her mother’s self-esteem.

After their last visit, she and the children had discussed the changes they were seeing in Grandma. Sheila wasn’t sure they’d understood. Now, when she sees each plant a kiss on her mom’s withered cheek, she prays, Thank you, Lord, all the while hoping she’s not putting them through any trauma. As mother and daughter chat, the grandkids entertain Wookie with a game of hide and seek.

Dan called; he’s back from a trade show so he and the boys might come to visit on Sunday, her mother says.

Great. Sheila means it. She loves her older brother as a relative and likes him as a friend. The fact that he lives two hours away and is unable to participate in much of the hands-on care for their mom is not an issue. He’s plenty busy as a single parent raising two teenagers. Besides, she’s nearby, and isn’t it usually the daughter who does these things anyway?

The visit is going well; her mother seems more alert than usual. After a while, Sheila excuses herself to check on the state of the house, her mother’s clothes and grocery needs.

Louada, having overheard the earlier complaint, begins her defense. I didn’t do anything wrong. We were up all night, having to use the toilet, and every time she sat on it, nothing happened. So all I said was, ‘let’s wait and see if you really need to go.’

I understand, Sheila assures her. There are two sides to this ongoing story.

When such a scenario first played itself out, Sheila would overreact. Over time, she’s learned to listen to both parties then trust her instincts. The caregiver’s job is the hardest she could ever imagine. It’s lifting her mother’s dead weight up and down, moving her from one room to the other, to the bathroom and back again, cooking meal after meal and feeding every bite to her so she won’t choke. At what point does the monotony and stress become too much? She wishes she knew. But just as the caregivers have their side, so does her mom. The humiliation of having to be dressed, cleaned, wiped, and fed is more than any once beautiful, refined woman can bear.

Privately, Sheila asks her mom what she meant earlier.

I just want her to take me to the washroom when I have to go.

That’s fair, Sheila notes.

And call the police to arrest that horrid girl, her mother adds.

"I’ll speak to Louada about more visits to the