I Got By: The Best of Harry Marlin Volume 2

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© Copyright 1997, 2012 Harry Marlin.

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isbn: 978-1-4669-5108-2 (sc)

isbn: 978-1-4669-5109-9 (e)

Trafford rev. 08/16/2012

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CONTENTS

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

FOREWORD

A TRIP DOWN A LONG MEMORY LANE THAT HASN’T ENDED

WITH KNOWLEDGE COMES ARTHRITIS

A COLD SPELL MAY BE COMING AND FREEZE OUR TEXAS LANGUAGE

A HANDICAPPED PARKING PLACE IS GETTING IS HARD TO FIND

A JUMP-START FROM A GOOD CAR BATTERY MIGHT DO ME SOME GOOD

REACHING THE AGE OF ASSISTED LIVING

WE HAD NO MIRACLE DRUGS BUT WE HAD COAL OIL

A LITTLE HISTORY OF THE WAY IT WAS AND STILL IS

A LITTLE MIXED-UP HISTORY OF HOW BLANKET GOT ITS NAME

A BOTTLE OF WINE, A LOAF OF BREAD AND A PLUSH PLOW

A LITTLE STIMULUS FOR THE OIL COMPANIES MIGHT BALANCE THINGS OUT

A LITTLE TOO MUCH SHAKING GOING ON

OUR NICE, QUIET LITTLE TOWN IS GOING THE WAY OF THE HORNED TOAD

A SHORT INTERVIEW WITH A GOOD OLD BOY

A TIME TO HOLD AND A TIME TO FOLD WHEN THE SHERIFF COMES CALLING

A TRIBUTE TO A GREAT AIRPLANE AND THE MEN WHO FLEW IT

A WATCHED POT NEVER BOILS AND OTHER USELESS INFORMATION

TAKE YOUR MEDS BUT DON’T DRINK THE WATER

SOME WWII MEMORIES THAT STICK IN MY MIND

GOOD BOOKS, GOOD WRITERS AND ESCAPE FROM A COTTON PATCH

LIVING IN A HOUSE AT THE END OF A LANE

MISSING A BIG NIGHT OUT AND A FREE GOURMET DINNER

SPEAK SOFTLY BUT CARRY A BIG STICK

AN ENCOUNTER WITH A MOUNTAIN LION AND A WILD RIDE IN A PORSCHE

A RUSTY PLYMOUTH AND FIVE GALLONS OF CHEAP GAS

HUNGRY AS A HOUND DOG AND DOOMED BY SOUL FOOD

BACK IN THE THIRTIES, WE HAD NO MODERN DISEASES AND LITTLE ELSE

WATCHING OUT FOR ALLIGATORS AND MISSING OUT ON BACKPACKS

BARKING DOGS IN NEW JERSEY AND STEALING IN TEXAS

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU DO. BIG BROTHER HAS A CELL PHONE

BEAUTY IS IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER WHO SOMETIMES HAS POOR EYESIGHT

BIG FOOT, IVORY-BILLED WOODPECKERS AND UFO’S

MY BISCUITS GO A LONG WAY BUT NOT FAR ENOUGH

BOMBING OUT ON USED CAR DEALS

BUILDING 700 MILES OF FENCE TO STOP THE CHICKEN PLUCKERS

CELL PHONES, TREE THAT SPOUTS WATER AND GREEN CHUNKS FROM THE SKY

CREDIT CARDS, MORTGAGES AND COTTON PATCHES

COAL OIL, CHEAP WHISKEY, GRAVEL AND BEDBUGS

COME FLY WITH ME, OR WITHOUT ME, OR WHATEVER

COME WITH ME INTO THE CASBAH OR WHATEVER

COOKING CABBAGE ALL DAY AND LIVING IN THE GOOD OLD DAYS

COOKING, DOORKNOBS, CHICKEN SNAKES AND CHINESE AILMENT

ASK YOUR DOCTOR ABOUT THAT SOAP IN MOTEL BATHROOMS

WE LAUGHED AS WE LIVED IN FAME OR WENT DOWN IN FLAMES

CORN TORTILLAS, CORNBREAD, ETHANOL AND GLOBAL WARMING

MY WASTED YOUTH AND A CORNCOB PIPE

A GOOD PLACE TO LIVE BUT YOU WOULDN’T WANT TO VISIT THERE

CRIME DIDN’T PAY AND NOTHING ELSE DID EITHER

PULLING THE TAB ON CULTURE IN TEXAS

SOLVING MURDERS ON TV AND DANCING WITH THE STARS

A CHICKEN-FRIED STEAK AND SOMEBODY TO CALL ME DARLIN’

OUR JAILS WERE EMPTY AND CRIME WAS AGAINST THE LAW

SELLING THE SAME OLD BALONEY BUT A NEW WINE IS ON THE MARKET

THE DUCHESS OF YORK AND SOUTHERN COOKING

ON THE ROAD AGAIN LOOKING FOR A GOOD MOTEL

DON’T PLAY THAT SONG AGAIN, SAM—I CAN’T STAND IT

ERUPTING VOLCANOES ARE BEST SEEN FROM A DISTANCE

ESCAPING TORNADOES, HIGH WINDS, HAIL AND TV WEATHERMEN

BEER BOTTLES, CHICKEN WIRE AND 40 YEARS OF COUNTRY MUSIC

FIGHTING A WAR FROM THE BOTTOM OF A BOMBER

FISHING FOR MEMORIES AND CRAWFISH IN COGGIN PARK

I MIGHT HAVE FLOWN ON UNSAFE PLANES IN WWII

A FEW MEMORIES OF FT. SAM HOUSTON WHEN THEY PAID THEIR ELECTRIC BILL

GOOD LUCK, BAD LUCK, DUMB LUCK OR NO LUCK AT ALL ON FRIDAY THE 13TH

FRIENDLY FOLKS AND BUTCHERING HOGS

GETTING A CLOSE-UP LOOK AT OUR PAST

BOXCARS: CORNCOBS AND GETTING AN EDUCATION THE HARD WAY

GOING SIDEWAYS AND LEARING ABOUT WINE AND OTHER STUFF

GOOD DOGS, BEER JOINTS AND COUNTRY MUSIC

HAPPY TRAILS TO US AND YOU AND THEM—WHEREVER THEY ARE

HEAD ’EM UP AND MOVE ’EM OUT, BUT DON’T COME HERE

HEMINGWAY NEVER PICKED COTTON OR DANCED IN A HONKEY-TONK

GENEALOGY OR MYTH

HOG KILLING DAY AND GETTING A GOOD SCALD ON LIFE

THE HOME BREW THAT NEVER FOUND A HOME

ASHES TO HOMINY AND LYE TO SOAP

HOT TAMALES, CORN SHUCKS AND NOISY MATTRESSES

BE IT EVER SO HUMBLE, HOME IS WHERE THE HOUSE IS

HUNTING FOR THE JUMPING OFF PLACE

THE ILL WINDS OF TEXAS MAY BLOW US NO GOOD

TRAIN ROBBERS, BANK ROBBERS AND HERMITS

ACROSS THE RIVER AND INTO THE FENCE

I MIGHT BUY IT IF I KNEW WHAT THEY WERE SELLING

I MISSED BEING NAMED HARRY POTTER BUT NOT MUCH ELSE

I NEVER WROTE A BEST SELLER OR LEARNED TO JUGGLE CATS

WATCH OUT FOR THE SIDE-EFFECTS OF SIDE-EFFECTS

MOST ACCIDENTS HAPPEN AT HOME BUT SOME DON’T

ICED-TEA ON SUNDAY WHERE THE WHEELS STAY ON YOUR BUGGY

IF I’M CALLED BACK IN SERVICE, I HAVE A NEW SET OF RULES

IN TOUGH SITUATIONS, ALWAYS TRY TO SAVE YOUR BRASS

OLD MEMORIES, OLD INDIAN FIGHTERS AND DOUBLE-DIP ICE CREAM CONES

IT IS BETTER TO PROTEST IN AN ELECTION BOOTH THAN A DITCH AT CRAWFORD

IT COULD BE DANGEROUS TO BELIEVE EVERYTHING PEOPLE TELL YOU

IT’S FINE TO FILL GRANDPA’S SHOES BUT DON’T WEAR HIS PANTS

WHEN YOU GET OLD, NOTHING WORKS AND YOUR SHOES WON’T FIT

FROM OKLAHOMA DUST TO CALIFORNIA WINE

THIEVES, METH LABS AND A MISSING HOUSE

TRYING TO KEEP UP WITH A WORLD THAT MOVES TOO FAST

KICKING THE SANDS OF TIME

ARMING BEARS, PLAYING DIXIE AND BUTCHERING SONGS

LAUGHING OUR WAY THROUGH THE GREAT DEPRESSION

NEVER RUN WITH THE SCISSORS IF YOU CAN’T RUN

LEARNING ABOUT GIRLS AND THE FICKLE FINGER OF FATE

LEARNING NEW WORDS AND GETTING SCAMMED AT ANY AGE

ROMANS, COUNTRYMEN, ROCK CONCERTS AND LEFT-OVER RABBIT

HANGING AROUND A FILLING STATION MIGHT CAUSE A LIGHT STROKE

THEY ATE Béchamel SAUCE AND THOUGHT IT WAS GRAVY

LOOKING BACK TO THE PAST AND PONDERING THE FUTURE

THE GOOD OLD DAYS ARE GONE BUT HAVE A LOT TO BE THANKFUL FOR

SEEKING A ROAD LESS TRAVELED

DON’T WORRY ABOUT OLD AGE UNLESS IT MOVES IN WITH YOU

A LITTLE TOO MUCH EXPOSURE AND TOO LITTLE DISCIPLINE

LOOSE SKIN, SHATTERED WINDSHIELDS AND EXTREME MAKEOVERS

LUBBOCK, TEXAS THROUGH MY WINDSHIELD

STRANGE HAPPENINGS IN A STRANGE WORLD

LYING MIGHT CAUSE A HOLE IN YOUR BOOT

TAKE A LEFT TURN TO THE ALAMO MOTEL

THE NIGHT THE SOLDIER AND SAILORS MEMORIAL HALL BURNED

THE GOOD AND THE BAD OF LIVING IN THE FIFTIES

HOOKED ON CABLE WITH THE WRONG NAME

A FEW MEDALS, A FEW MEMORIES AND A LOT OF BRAVE MEN

NEURONS, MORONS, SCIENTISTS AND SHAMPOOING RATS

NEVER CARRY A BLUNT OBJECT INTO A HOSPITAL

NEVER KICK A DRY COW PATTIE ON A HOT DAY

DON’T WEAR A CHICKEN SUIT TO ROB A GROCERY AFTER MIDNIGHT

NO APPOINTMENT NEEDED TO GET YOUR CHRYSLER THUMPED

NO SUVS OR BEER AVAILABLE BUT WE TRIED IT ALL ANYHOW

NO BRUSH CUTTING, BICYCLE RIDING OR PROTESTING AT MY PLACE

AWARD WINNING MOVIES, GOOD BOOKS AND HOW I LEARNED TO READ

WHEN THE SUN GOES DOWN, IT GETS DARK IN MARFA

NOTHING IN A BIND BUT US

OBSERVATIONS WHILE WAITING TO SEE THE DOCTOR

WATCHING CHEF EMERIL ON TV AND TRYING TO LEARN TO COOK

OLD ACTORS, OLD BUILDINGS AND OLD MEMORIES

OLD BILL BORROWED EVERYTHING BUT TIME, WHAT HE NEEDED MOST

OLD CEDAR CHOPPERS AND HEAVENLY BISCUITS

OLD FIDDLERS, OLD DRUMMERS AND THE DECLINE OF MUSIC

OLD GALS, JOHNSON GRASS AND PROWLING AROUND WITH GEORGE

ONE DAY IN THE LIFE OF A BALL TURRET GUNNER

BUTTERFLIES AND BUTTERCUPS AND PEOPLE WERE ALL FREE

PHASE OUT THE LIGHTS, THE PARTY’S OVER

PINTO BEANS MAY HAVE WON THE WEST

POLITICS, RELIGION AND THE LAST PARKING SPOT AT WAL-MART

TEXAS WRITER PUTS TOO MUCH SALT IN THE GRAVY

GETTING BY WITHOUT SMOKING IN AN IMPERFECT WORLD

RAW OYSTERS, PARKING METERS AND TECHNOLOGY WE LOST

THE LORD GAVE US THE LARD AND GOD GAVE US A LOOPHOLE

ONE MORE RIVER TO CROSS MAY BE ONE TOO MANY

ROBBING BANKS IN A ’34 FORD AND BOILING EGGS IN A SACK

LIGHT BREAD ROLLS AND ROSEBUD SALVE

ROYAL ALLEGATIONS IN THE BRITISH EMPIRE

RUNNING BOARDS, HUDSON TERRAPLANES AND DRIVING MRS. BROWN

SAUCERED AND BLOWED AT TWO-BITS A POUND

BRIGHT AND EARLY COFFEE

SAVE YOUR KNEES AND HIPS FOR WANDERING IN THE DESERT

CONFUSED ABOUT TAXES AND A LOT OF OTHER STUFF

SITTING ON A BENCH SOMEWHERE WAITING FOR EVERYBODY ELSE

FEELING GOOD ABOUT A NEW PORCH AND THE KIDS WHO BUILT IT

SLEEP TIGHT BUT DON’T LET THE BEDBUGS BITE—THEY’RE BACK

SMOKE IF YOU’VE GOTTEM

ALL IS WELL THAT ENDS WELL

SOME SIDE EFFECTS OF GETTING OLD

COUNTRY CORRESPONDENTS AND BIG CITY COLUMNISTS

SOMEWHERE IN THE WEST, WHERE THE HAWKS BUILD NESTS

SPRING IS ON THE WAY AND THE LIVING IS EASY

STORMS NEVER LAST, THEY SAY BUT I HOPE WE DO

SUN-DRIED POSSUM, BLACK DRAUGHT AND BABY PERCY

TAKE A CRUISE TO NOWHERE OR CATCH A RIDE ON A TEST TRACK

TAKE MY ADVICE GRANNY—STAY IN OAK CLIFF

TALKING MULES AND BORROWING WHAT I CAN TO WRITE A COLUMN

TEXAS IS FAMOUS FOR MANY THINGS BUT WE MISSED OUT ON THIS

THE BIG BUGGY WRECK OF 1930

THE BIG DANCE OF 1944 AND TAINTED TURKEY FOR EVEYBODY

THE CAR DAD NEVER BOUGHT BECAUSE OF A GUITAR PLAYING WOMAN

WHEN THE RABBITS WERE DRIVEN AND THE COWS WERE SHOT

THE GOOD OLD DAYS ARE GONE FOR GOOD, OR WORSE

THE GOOD TIMES, THE BAD TIMES AND THE MEMORIES OF BOTH

WE HAVE MET THE GREATEST GENERATION AND IT IS US

THE KEY TO SUCCESS IS GETTING A GOOD START

THE LACK OF ONIONS COULD CAUSE A RECESSION

THE LITTLE BROWN MULE THAT WENT ASTRAY

THE NIGHT ELVIS LOST HIS COAT

THE ONIONS ARE PLANTED AND THE CHIPS ARE DOWN

THE REVOLTING DEVELOPERS MAY GET US ALL YET

THE RICH HAD ICE IN THE SUMMER AND THE POOR HAD IT IN THE WINTER

THE SEVEN DEADLY SINS THAT DOESN’T INCLUDE IRON SKILLETS

THE UFOS ARE BACK BUT MAYBE THEY NEVER LEFT

POKE SALET GREENS, SCRAMBLED EGGS AND ROSE BUSHES

DON’T GET UP A LOAD UNTIL YOU READ MY COLUMN

THINGS THAT GO BOOM, WHISTLE AND BAWL IN THE NIGHT

TIME MARCHES ON AND SOMETIMES, IT JOGS

TO CATCH AN IVORY-BILLED WOODPECKER, TAKE A COAL OIL LANTERN AND A TOW SACK

MY WISH IS TO GATHER AGAIN FOR SOME ORGANIC FOOD AND A POT OF STEW

TOMATO PLANTS, SNOWSTORMS AND BOMBERS

TOO SLOW ON THE DRAW TO BE A GUNSLINGER AND TOO HONEST TO RUSTLE COWS

TRAFFIC CONTROL, SELF-CONTROL AND THE WORST DRIVERS ON EARTH

TRAILER PARKS, USED CARS AND THE STUDY OF BUGS

WHEN OLD PETE PLAYED THE TRUMPET

TWELVE CENT GAS, NICKEL BREAD AND OUTRAGED LAWMAKERS

WAITING FOR A TRAIN OR A SALESMAN TO LIVEN UP OUR LIVES

SOME MEMORIES OF WALKING DOWN DIRT ROADS

I WOULD HAVE WASHED MY HANDS IN THE BAYOU TECHE

STICKING AROUND TO WATCH THE BUZZARDS

ROADRUNNERS, VARMINTS AND A JUDGE WITH A HEART

WATERMELONS, SWEET POTATOES, AND FREEDOM

WE HAD MOSTLY NOTHING WHEN I WAS A KID, BUT WE GOT 100% OF IT

WEAVING A WEB WE CAN’T GET OUT OF

IT TAKES A LOT OF SPACE TO BE A GENUINE TEXAN

WHEN MODEL T. FORDS BOUNCED AT FIVE DOLLARS A DAY

WHEN THE LAW WORE A COLT .45 AND THE CRIMINALS HAD NO RIGHTS

WHO KNOWS? CHICKEN LITTLE MAY HAVE BEEN RIGHT

GREASING THE WINDMILL AND USING UP THE WIND

WHEN THE COTTON BLOOMS, WORRY ABOUT THE PEACHES

WRITING A COLUMN AND MILKING COWS ON THE OVERPASS

SEPARATED RIBS AND WRITING ONE SENTENCE PARAGRAPHS

YOU AND ME AND US AND THEM AND BOBBY MCGEE

THERE ARE 700 NEW LAWS ON THE BOOKS NOW, SO WATCH YOUR STEP

HARRY MARLIN DISCONTINUES COLUMN—AUG 5th, 2008

HARRY DECIDES TO HANG’EM UP—AUG 5th, 2008

THE END OF AN AMAZING JOURNEY

FAREWELL HARRY: ‘PRAIRIE PHILOSOPHER,’ CHARACTER, PATRIOT

MARLIN LAID TO REST IN THE COUNTRYSIDE HE LOVED

‘FRIEND’ GIVES LITTLE GIFTS OF TIME AND PLACE

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Harry Marlin met everything including life head on. He spent his childhood in tiny depression-ridden Blanket, Texas, and matured during 50 combat missions over Germany. His thinking and personality were forever colored by both experiences. Opinionated, blunt and uncompromisingly candid, he was talented beyond belief. He was a Steel guitar musician, photographer, Police Officer, Columnist and Book Author. Harry could be humorous, hauntingly profound and compassionate, all in the one paragraph. He was one of a kind and we can all be thankful for that.

Referenced as the Will Rogers of Central Texas, Harry Marlin wrote a weekly column for the Brownwood Bulletin over a period of 11 years. This book is a compilation of his best stories which take a humorous look back at growing up and facing life’s challenges through every generation.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Many thanks to the nice folks at the Brownwood Bulletin for printing my columns since 1997.

To Laura and Jimmy, my two oldest offspring who laugh at my columns and to Ken, my youngest who happens to be a computer engineer who built my computers and cures them when they get sick.

To my faithful readers who read my columns and buy my books while overlooking my frequent, outright murder of the English language. As my friend Charles Stewart said, I try to Put the fodder where the calf can get it.

To Bernell and Carla who always help me when I need help as I often do.

With age comes knowledge somebody once said. If I’m allowed to stick around a little longer, I may find out what in hell I’m doing.

Anyway, I’m still wondering whatever happened to Randolph Scott.

To all the good old boys and the good old girls I met along the way, and to the good people of Blanket, Texas, who during my formative years during the Depression, taught me honesty and integrity, and to my parents, Jesse and Myrtle Marlin who taught me love and compassion and that no mountain was too high to climb, or no river too deep to cross.

To my teachers in the Blanket School System, who did the best they could with what they had.

To the Good Lord, who lacking enough talent to go around, gave me what he could.

To the staff at the Brownwood Bulletin who printed my columns and to the late Shelton Prince who hired me. To columnist Mary Ficklen, my most severe critic who helped me over the humps.

To the great Texas writers who influenced me to take up writing years before I started. Writers Larry L. King, formerly of Putnam and Scranton, Texas, and now of Washington D.C., Bud Shrake of Austin, Texas, John Graves of Glenrose, Texas, Elmer Kelton of San Angelo, Texas, and Larry McMurtry of Archer City, Texas.

My thanks to Charles Chupp of the Messenger magazine at DeLeon, Texas, and Bud Lindsey of The Old Sorehead Gazette at Stanton, Texas, both of whom printed my stuff when probably nobody else would. To Dr, Charles A. Stewart of Taos, New Mexico, who helped me keep the faith.

To the Good Lord, who lacking enough talent to go around, gave me what he could.

Harry Marlin—2004

FOREWORD

This book, volume 2 in the series, consists of selected columns published by the Brownwood Bulletin between 2003 and 2008, and maybe some more stuff. Harry wrote the following in one of his earlier books and we wanted to include it here just as he wrote it:

I may have written some of these stories before which could be, if repeated over twice in one day, a sign of something called Senile Dementia. If you get it, don’t worry. It has its good points. You are able to watch reruns on TV, read the same books over and over and hide your own Easter eggs. Auto mechanics call it transmission trouble or slipping clutch.

This is my last book even though it is hard to find a quitting place; I have a good reason to quit. It seems that due to circumstances beyond my control, I suddenly got old. Worse still, I may get older, or I may not.

I really think I should stop now and spend more time with my dog. She likes me.

Besides that, not being John Grisham, I have to sell the things to pay the printer. I really appreciate the nice folks who have bought my other books in the past and I hope you enjoyed them as much as I did writing them. I had several requests to assemble a book of my columns. I can think of at least two.

Anyway, don’t worry about me. As I wrote in one of my other books, I plan on being the last to leave so I can eat all of those good steaks and drink all that good stuff left behind by those who left.

I think I can handle that.

Harry Marlin

A TRIP DOWN A LONG MEMORY LANE THAT HASN’T ENDED

One of my readers who resides up near the Red River in Montague County recently wrote by e-mail, Your columns take me down memory lane. I’m sure she knows just how long that lane is. It was sometimes a joyous lane and sometimes a sad lane. I remember both.

I remember the difficulty in cranking a Model T Ford on a cold morning when it became necessary to jack up a rear wheel to get enough momentum to turn the engine fast enough to start.

Often, when the thing finally started and the jack was let down, it would pin whoever was cranking to the nearest building. The Ford had no Park and its planetary transmission had no neutral on cold mornings. All anybody could do about it was to holler Whoa. Unfortunately, Henry’s machine didn’t understand horse language or any other kind, including profane. Profanity was used a lot on Model T’s, with little or no results.

My memory lane even goes further back than that when on Saturday, the whole family piled into a wagon for the usual trip to Blanket. Back then, nobody ever went to town and bought what they needed and went home. They stayed until the sun went down. It was a social event where gossip was exchanged and crops discussed.

Sometimes when a little money was left after buying groceries, we were treated with big hunks of cheese and baloney which we ate on the way home. The grocer would usually throw in a big onion free. To us, it was pure gourmet stuff and a temporary respite from our usual supper of warmed over beans.

The word lane in those days meant a small road leading from the county road to wherever we happened to be living at the time. To look down that lane and see somebody coming was a welcome event in our lives. We had little company.

Most of the time, the visitor turned out to be the Raleigh Man, selling his wares or a magazine salesman selling the Progressive Farmer. We always read it in hopes that we might sometime become progressive enough to get away from that farm. The best part of the deal was that the salesman would take a couple of our non-laying hens for a year’s subscription. He didn’t seem to be progressing much either.

I still remember a lot of sad times on my memory lane that I can’t forget. One that sticks in my mind was when I watched a family pass by the road in their wagon having just buried their 12 year old daughter in the Blanket cemetery and were going home to a lonely house where at the supper table that night would be one empty chair.

There were good times on that memory lane too and we were poor but free from a lot of things we have today. Crime was almost nonexistent and we were a people united. I saw no activists beating drums and raising hell about one thing or another.

We attended Chapel in school every Monday morning and it started and ended with a prayer. Nobody complained. Then, war came and the whole country responded. Nobody ran off to Canada. We were fighting what seemed to me like half the world but we won.

My memory lane is long but it hasn’t ended yet. When it does, to paraphrase Martha Stewart, I think I can truthfully say, It was a good thing.

WITH KNOWLEDGE

COMES ARTHRITIS

There are a couple of things a man is sure to acquire as he grows older, a little knowledge and a lot of arthritis. The knowledge is sure to come in handy at one time or another. If a fellow knocks on your door early some morning offering to sell you the Brooklyn Bridge, it’s a wise move to call City Hall in New York and find out the latest quote. On the other hand, if he’s selling a cure for arthritis, buy it.

Even old cats accumulate knowledge. They won’t jump on a hot stove but once, and from then on, they won’t jump on a cold one either. We should be so smart. I have no idea who made that statement about the cats. If I did, I’d sure give proper credit. For years, I thought plagiarism was a disease caused by not eating enough fruits and vegetables. Then, along with the arthritis came knowledge and I learned better.

Ben Franklin made a lot of profound statements along those lines, so maybe he did. He gained a lot of knowledge too, by flying kites during thunderstorms, mostly to refrain from doing it. He bought kites by saving the pennies he earned, though it was his ambition to buy the Brooklyn Bridge. Unfortunately, it hadn’t yet been built.

I knew a fellow who claimed he knew Fred Gipson personally. Whether he did or not, I don’t know. Fred, an old Mason, Texas boy, wrote the classic, Old Yeller. I had a lot of respect for Fred’s writing. I had never met Fred, and probably never would, but I was interested.

What sort of fellow is Fred? I asked.

Oh, he said, just a damned old drunk.

I was somewhat shocked by his reply. How could a damned old drunk write words that carried us to places we had a deep feeling for and make us feel the joy and the pain of his characters as he did?

I was aware that the man who had this opinion of Fred Gipson didn’t drink, and seemed to have no use for anybody who did, but talent is to be respected, whether the man who has it drinks or not, or how much, or when.

Were Faulkner, Hemingway and Steinbeck, to name a few, all damned old drunks? All had a fondness for tipping a bottle now and then, some more often than others, but like an expression my mama used, none, as far as I know got down in the yard."

They were the pioneers of our modern writing, and what they gave us, today’s writers are still striving to duplicate, and can’t. Maybe a good shot of Bourbon could help, or if that doesn’t work, a good shot of living, something they had a vast knowledge of.

A COLD SPELL MAY BE

COMING AND FREEZE OUR

TEXAS LANGUAGE

Folks in Texas have always built fars, had flats on our tars, ate dinner around noon and supper before dark. For years, we have been fixin’ to do something whether we ever did it or not. We all know where yonder is, having been going there for years and we always went to a cellar, when everybody had one, to escape cyclones.

I hear that the more affluent folks keep wine in a cellar with no thought of a cyclone hitting it. I wonder if they keep a coal oil lantern down there too.

We never had tornados in Texas until somebody brought in trailer houses, sometimes called Mobile Homes even though they are not mobile until hit by a tornado.

We all bundle up when we get hit by a blue norther which has nothing to do with blue Yankees. They are all are sent to us by the folks somewhere north of Amarillo and cause us to have what is known as a cold spell.

We still buy a loaf of light bread in the grocery and iced tea still comes in boxes. Even though we may attend Harvard or Yale, nuclear still comes out nuclar. We even go to the liberry to check out a book. We know that a fur piece is a good ways down the road.

We went to school in a schoolhouse but didn’t learn much. To us, cold beer is one word. We still keep our food in the icebox and the beer in a cooler, usually kept in the back of our pickups. A truck is one of those 18 wheelers that drive in the left lane of our highways and a pickup is what we drive to work with our dog watching the cooler.

We are all familiar with Moon Pies and peanut patties and we learned long ago not to kick a dry cow pattie on a hot day. We know that a stern wheel is what we hold our pickups between the bar ditches with.

We still go to the picture show instead of the movies and some of us still think that John Wayne was at the Alamo and a bar stool was what Davy Crockett stepped in.

We accuse people who are not from around here and television of bastardizing our language. They say it was bastardized before they got here. They may be right but I have no trouble understanding it.

The actors on TV speak a different language than ours. My lady-friend tells me almost on a daily basis, Harry, You need a hearing aid. I deny it emphatically. I can hear every word they say. I just don’t know what they’re saying. Kids, these days, are obviously speaking Farsi. Are they teaching that in school now?

The English language, they say, is one of the hardest to learn. Too many of our words mean the same thing. We have simplified that problem in Texas but nobody will accept it. We say it like it ought to be said but we may be losing the battle of our unique way of saying things.

I hate to see that happen in my lifetime, or any other time. Where are we going to buy a new icebox when our old one quits, or a loaf of light bread or a box of iced tea, or a new set of tars.?

I think we ought to build a far under somebody and leave the way we talk alone.

A HANDICAPPED PARKING PLACE IS GETTING IS HARD TO FIND

I have decided that the best way for any store or place of business to increase their trade is to install handicapped parking in front of the place. It is rare that I ever see an unoccupied handicapped parking spot. It is a known fact that some folks will drive 25 miles on a cold day to park in a handicapped parking place.

Some are handicapped and some are not. The ones who aren’t are not in the least deterred by a threat of a $250 fine. Obviously, they are financially well off, or optically impaired. These are the same people who take 106 items through the 15 item checkout line at the supermarket.

Back in the summer after a session at the VA clinic in Temple, I saw a sweet young thing with a pair of shorts on that struck her somewhere around Waco park in the only handicapped spot left in front of Appleby’s where I meant to park.

My handicaps got better from watching her walk from her car and I decided a little walk wouldn’t hurt me. If there was anything wrong with that gal, I couldn’t see it and most of her was visible. Maybe her eyesight was bad and she couldn’t read the sign.

I am board-certified handicapped myself and have one of those placards which I hang the mirror. Part of my disability is mental and is known as Columnist’s Syndrome. The symptoms can sometime be severe and mostly consist of lying awake at night trying to think of something to write.

I have other handicaps too and there are a lot of things I can’t do. I can’t rob a convenience store as the police would arrive before I could get out of the store. I would probably trip on my cane and shoot myself in the foot. Anyway, any handicapped parking they might have would be occupied by a girl in shorts and I’d get distracted and forget the whole idea.

Burglary is out too. I’d trip on tricycles, bicycles, roller skates and beer cans causing a lot of racket. Anyway, I don’t see too well at night. If I had a key to the place, I couldn’t get it in the lock. I have that trouble at home.

I have been warned against heading maize, picking cotton, baling hay and gathering corn unless there is a handicapped parking spot at the field. I already know there would be a sweet young thing parked there. Probably wearing shorts too.

I may be stuck with lying awake all night and writing columns. The pay is good but not much of it. At least, it’s not hazardous. I haven’t been threatened in almost 9 years doing that. On my previous job, I was threatened daily by somebody and my picture wasn’t in the paper.

One fellow chased me with a pool cue and another with a hammer. Thanks to my military training, I knew when to retreat, or as they say, when to hold and when to fold. I folded a lot. Mama said, If you can’t whip them, try to outrun them. I did.

Remember folks. Always respect those handicapped parking places unless you’re disabled and have something to prove it. You just might run across some old boy whose only disability is hip trouble caused from wearing a .45 semi-automatic on it.

They do, you know.

A JUMP-START FROM A

GOOD CAR BATTERY

MIGHT DO ME SOME GOOD

There has been a lot of publicity recently about the danger of lead poisoning. It seems that cheap jewelry, some of which contains lead, has been made available from vending machines and appeals mostly to children.

Children and dogs learn about stuff mostly by tasting, so they are prone to put the jewelry in their mouths. We have all done this, and still do, tasting everything we cook. Lead poisoning, they say can cause learning disabilities, behavioral problems, retarded growth and hearing impairment.

I have had all of the above and there may be a good reason for it. Back when I was a kid, we had no toys to play with and my brother and I did the best we could with what we had. We discovered some old car batteries in a dump ground and immediately took them home.

We took a hammer to the cases and took the lead out. We beat it with a hammer, tasted it, and even tried to make money out of it by laying a nickel on a piece of it and pounding with a hammer. The result was our very own nickel which we then trimmed down to size with a knife. I assume this could be regarded as a behavioral problem.

As to learning disabilities, I never was good with algebra or geometry in school. In fact, it was a total wipeout for me. I was never able to figure the height of a flagpole by measuring its shadow. I couldn’t see any reason for doing it anyhow. I didn’t really care how high it was.

My memory of geometry has something to do with Pi being square We all knew that pie was round and cornbread was square. We were not that retarded, lead or no lead.

I had other behavioral problems too. I was always getting into some kind of trouble in school with the Superintendent. He was a rather narrow minded sort. I doubt he ever had any real fun in his entire life. I also didn’t play well with our milk cow.

During WWII, I was once booted off the Isle of Capri. Some sort of behavioral problem, they said, like putting the Provost Marshall’s jeep on a porch 16 steps above the street.

All of this may have been caused by playing with and tasting that lead out of those old car batteries. I remember back when I was taking basic training in the military. We would be doing close-order drill and the sergeant would single me out and holler, Hey, you, Get the lead out. How did he know?

Actually, growing up back in the thirties, I think we were immune to nearly everything. We had to be. We tasted everything we found growing in the woods and ate everything that didn’t eat us first. We were always a little hungry.

As for retarded growth, I was tall enough to see over the corn in our corn field. To me, that was tall enough as long as I could see our house at supper time. As for hearing impairment, I think the lead finally caught up with me after all of these years.

The good thing is that I’ve heard nearly everything anyhow.

REACHING THE AGE

OF ASSISTED LIVING

Recently, I turned the ignition key in my pickup and nothing happened. No friendly roar of 8 gas-guzzling cylinders. In fact—not even the friendly click of the starter relay. I knew immediately that I was in trouble. Thirty years ago, one phone call to a friend would have solved my problem. He would have been there in 5 minutes with jumper cables in hand. If he wasn’t at home, somebody else would have been.

Today, however, it seems that I have reached the age of assisted living. All of my friends are either deceased or have reached the same age as I have. I can no longer do anything that requires any stamina without assistance, a bad situation that I had been warned about a long time ago. An old man once told me, Son’ He said Getting old is no damn good." He was right.

I quickly diagnosed the problem as a bad battery but on that particular day, I was waiting to enter the hospital in 3 days for hernia surgery, my second this year. I was told to do no lifting or bad things could happen but no mention was made that the battery on my pickup would die.

I did the only thing I could do. I called my lady-friend for a little assisted living. One big problem is that she often needs it as much as I do. I needed a new battery but first the old one had to be removed. She couldn’t lift it and I was given strict orders not to. Nothing is ever simple when we get old.

Finally, we solved the problem after much thought and discussion. She managed to raise the battery up a bit and I hooked my cane under it and with it braced on the air conditioner blower, we flipped that sucker out. Getting the new one in place was mostly a matter of dropping it over the edge of the bracket. About all I could do I was say a short prayer that the thing wouldn’t break in a hundred pieces, leaving me with $86 worth of something I might sell to China if I was lucky. They do use a lot of lead in paint over there.

I could hardly wait to start my trusty pickup. But—when I did, the engine had only one speed—wide open. Since I had been confined in the hospital and at home for about 3 months for another ailment, I assumed that dirt daubers had built nests in wherever dirt daubers build nests. It wasn’t safe to drive.

I had my assisted living lady-friend drive me to a mechanic. We discussed possible causes, wrecker fees and what I might add to a doctor’s bill, hospital charges and how long I might have to declare bankruptcy. The mechanic was not familiar with that as no mechanic has ever been known to declare bankruptcy.

The day arrived for my surgery. I was wheeled into the operating room on a gurney and found the surgeon sharpening his scalpel on a large whet-rock and before I knew it, my hernia was fixed.

As soon as I could, I got the pickup to the mechanic and left it. He called me later with good news. I can’t find anything wrong with the pickup. He reported. The only explanation, He said, Is that the new battery you installed had to get acquainted with your engine and now works fine. That sounded reasonable to me and there was no charge for his service.

In fact, I wasn’t even charged for new fluid in the turn signals and that’s unusual.

WE HAD NO MIRACLE DRUGS

BUT WE HAD COAL OIL

A friend of mine out in West Texas sent me an e-mail informing me that he and his wife had seen a gallon of kerosene in a Home Depot store in Midland for only $8.00. He was shocked about that price. I guess there is not much demand for the stuff these days. I wonder how many pesos it would take to buy a gallon.

I just read that a pizza place in Dallas is selling pizzas for pesos. I’m not even sure how many pesos it takes to buy a pizza. I have no desire to find out.

Kerosene is somewhat like the coal oil we used when I was a kid except coal oil was made from coal and kerosene is a petroleum product. If coal oil had been $8.00 a gallon, I wouldn’t even be here. It cured nearly everything and cost a dime a gallon.

A kid could step on a rusty nail, put his foot in a wash pan full of coal oil and come out with no infection and nearly an instant cure. I know that for sure because it happened to me more than once.

It was used in our lamps, our lanterns and in a pinch, would even make a Model T Ford run. A coal oil soaked cloth tied around your neck would cure a sore throat. We said it did to get rid of it.

I heard a story once about a cowhand on a remote ranch who called the doctor and said, Doc, I just got bit by a rattlesnake. What do I do?

"Hitch up the wagon, put your foot in a pan of coal oil and get