Fangs & Fun
()
About this ebook
Fangs & Fun is a collection of fourteen shorts from the World of the Terrible Turtle Conspiracy. They are humorous tales concerning vampires and featuring character favorites that have been or will be in the Terrible Turtle Conspiracy Comic. Axe: Scourge of the Undead, Willy Osborn, and Biffy the Vampire Killer all feature in stories designed to bring about a chuckle or at least a smile. Undeath in a different light!
Jonathan Harvey
Jonathan Harvey comes from Liverpool and is the multi-award-winning writer of the play and film Beautiful Thing, the BAFTA-nominated sitcom Gimme Gimme Gimme, and Beautiful People (Best Comedy: Banff TV Festival). He is on the writing teams for both Coronation Street and The Tracey Ullman Show. His other TV work includes Rev (Best Sitcom: BAFTA), At Home With The Braithwaites, Lilies, The Catherine Tate Show and Murder Most Horrid. He has written twenty stage plays. The Years She Stole is his sixth novel.
Read more from Jonathan Harvey
The Music of Stockhausen: An Introduction Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Very True Legends of Ol' Man Wickleberry and his Demise: Ink Slingers' Anthlogy Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsShades of Plaid (A Very Unconventional Weekly Journey into Christian Living) Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratings
Related to Fangs & Fun
Related ebooks
Dragon Protector : Dragon Shifter Romance Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Viper The Vampire Assassin Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Case of the Haunted Vampire Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsShadowed Bones: Undead Mercenaries, #4 Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsEmily Monroe is NOT the Chosen One: The Complete Anthology Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Love Me Hard: Tris Grima, #1 Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsMisadventures in Hospitality Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Dog Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Angel Hamilton, Private Eye: Black Hawk Down Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsMidnight (Book 1): War Reaper MC, #1 Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Vionna and the Vampires Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsPest Control Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsGoodbye from the Edge of Never Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsSteel Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Norbie Gets Screwed: STEELTOWN CHRONICLES, #2 Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsBe Marvelous Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsLonely Hero Thing: The Chronicles of Ian Duncan - Book One Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsBox of Puppets: Foxy Witch, #1 Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsSplintered Nights Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Corpse Whisperer Torn: An Allie Nighthawk Mystery, #4 Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Superhero Project X Thriller Part 1 Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsUncle John's The Haunted Outhouse Bathroom Reader For Kids Only! Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsMiniature Fiction: Another 50 Very Short Stories Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsSomebody Tell Aunt Tillie It's a Vampire's World: A Toad Witch Mystery, #5 Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Secret Guide to Dating Monsters Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Diary of a Minecraft Zombie Book 15: Attack of the Gnomes Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsDirty as Sin (Book 1): Renegade Devils MC, #1 Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsSoul Infinity Crew Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsYou F'ing Zombies: I Hate Zombies Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsBest New Zombie Tales (Vol. 1) Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratings
Humor & Satire For You
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Everything Is F*cked: A Book About Hope Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Everything I Know About Love: A Memoir Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: the heartfelt, funny memoir by a New York Times bestselling therapist Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Thirty Thousand Bottles of Wine and a Pig Called Helga: A not-so-perfect tree change Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5What If?: Serious Scientific Answers to Absurd Hypothetical Questions Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Anxious People: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Mother Tongue: English and How it Got that Way Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I Will Judge You by Your Bookshelf Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Corrections Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Quit Like a Woman: The Radical Choice to Not Drink in a Culture Obsessed with Alcohol Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Mindful As F*ck: 100 Simple Exercises to Let That Sh*t Go! Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Bad Feminist: Essays Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Don't Panic: Douglas Adams & The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Winners: From the New York Times bestselling author of TikTok phenomenon Anxious People Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5And Every Morning the Way Home Gets Longer and Longer: A Novella Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5How to Be Alone: If You Want To, and Even If You Don't Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5No One Is Talking About This: Shortlisted for the Booker Prize 2021 and the Women’s Prize for Fiction 2021 Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5How to Be Perfect: The Correct Answer to Every Moral Question Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Big Swiss: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Best Joke Book (Period): Hundreds of the Funniest, Silliest, Most Ridiculous Jokes Ever Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Dutch House: Nominated for the Women's Prize 2020 Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Screwtape Letters Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5What Cats Want: An Illustrated Guide for Truly Understanding Your Cat Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Notes from a Small Island Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Boys: A Memoir of Hollywood and Family Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5
Related categories
Reviews for Fangs & Fun
0 ratings0 reviews
Book preview
Fangs & Fun - Jonathan Harvey
FANGS AND FUN
Jonathan Harvey
First Smashwords Edition 2016
Copyright 2009-2016 by Jonathan Harvey
Published by Smashwords
Smashwords Edition, License Notes
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
Jorick, Katelina, and Amaranthine are copyright Joleene Naylor. Used with permission.
Any similarities between characters in these stories and other fictional characters is intentional for the purpose of parody.
Cover by Joleene Naylor
**********
Other books by Jonathan Harvey:
Shades of Plaid
101 Tips for Traveling with a Vampire with Joleene Naylor
**********
Contents:
Axe: Scourge of the Undead
The Price of Fame
What are the Odds?
A Night on the Town
On the Twilight Bandwagon
Arch Nemesis
The Best of You
The Costume Dilemma
Party’s Over
Stranger Danger
Legacy of Stalking
Tragic Lost Love
Somebody’s Got to Do It
Barbara’s Really Bad Day
Axe: Scourge of the Undead
It's two in the morning. Most ordinary people are in their beds, fast asleep, and dreaming their little dreams of rainbows and lollipops. Not Me! I have a job to do. At two in the morning, I'm out in some poor schmuck's garden doing my best to exterminate a bunch of bunnies. These are no ordinary bunnies. The smear of red on their cute furry little faces does not come from raiding the tomatoes in the garden. It's blood! These rotten little rodents are undead bunnies. Undead bunnies! How the heck does that happen? What is the world coming to? Even cute little creatures of nature are not safe from the undead plague. Someone has to eliminate the lot. That someone is me.
My name is Axe, and I am the scourge of the undead. I'm the guy who keeps you safe while you rest cozy in your little beds. I'm the guy! It's me! There is no one else keeping the undead at bay. Do you think Stupendous Man would be found out in some stinking patch of vegetables in the middle of the night fighting off a bunch of mutant zombie varmints? No! He can't be bothered. He's too busy hanging out with beautiful women, signing autographs, and pushing that stupid comic book of his. Sure, the guy might seem invincible, bullets might bounce off his chest, but I bet that creep would have no idea what to do if he was ever confronted by a horde of mutant zombies. Sometimes I marvel at how all those eggheads in Day and Dark seem to put this guy on a pedestal. Stupendous Man actually has sponsors! Not me. I'm an independent. I'm a dark horse in the middle of the night, busting my butt to keep you safe. It's a thankless job, but someone has to do it.
Dispatching the undead is messy, stinking work. With the exception of vampires, most of your undead are walking around partially decomposed. These creatures make no effort in smelling nice. If you get into any sort of confrontation with one in a space that is not properly ventilated, you're going to find yourself in some real trouble. There were times early on when I tried nose plugs. Nose plugs are pretty effective for blocking out the smell. The only problem with nose plugs is that it gives those stinky little buggers the opportunity to sneak up on you. I've given up on the nose plugs and have decided to tough it out. This is probably why there are not a lot of superheroes that deal with the undead problem. Most of them are wimps who can't stomach the smell.
I'm a very necessary part of the superhero community. As far as I know, I'm the only one who does what I do and I'm happy to say that I'm pretty darn good at it. Still, I never seem to get any recognition in the superhero community. I never get invited to join any of their leagues or teams. Every year I check the Superhero Who's Who and find that once again I don't even get an honorable mention. How can I not get an honorable mention? They mention Kitten Girl in the Superhero Who's Who and she's never even faced a super villain! I don't even think she fights crime. She's just a pretty girl who dresses in spandex and runs around rescuing stray kittens from danger. In my book she's not even a real superhero and yet, not only is she mentioned in the Superhero Who's Who, but they produce Kitten Girl calendars and posters every year. I can't even get a comic book that lasts more than four issues. Where is the justice in that? I shouldn't even get started with the comic book thing. It really ticks me off.
Okay, I'm going there! Almost