12 Good Reasons To Look Up Uranus

Legend Press Ltd, 2 London Wall Buildings,

London EC2M 5UU

[email protected]

www.legendpress.co.uk

Contents © Kevin Joslin 2010

The right of the above author to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patent Act 1988.

British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data available.

ISBN 978-1-9077563-6-8

eISBN 978-1-9087755-6-6

All characters, other than those clearly in the public domain, and place names, other than those well-established such as towns and cities, are fictitious and any resemblance is purely coincidental.

Set in Times

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Cover designed by Gudrun Jobst

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ALSO BY KEVIN JOSLIN:

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As told by Terry Wogan

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For Lucy

A bright light in a dull world

CONTENTS

FOREWORD

INTRODUCTION

WEEKLY FORECAST FOR 3RD TO 9TH JANUARY

WEEKLY FORECAST FOR 10TH TO 17TH JANUARY

WEEKLY FORECAST FOR 24TH TO 30TH JANUARY

WEEKLY FORECAST FOR 31ST JANUARY TO 6TH FEBRUARY

WEEKLY FORECAST FOR 7TH TO 13TH FEBRUARY

WEEKLY FORECAST FOR 14TH TO 20TH FEBRUARY

WEEKLY FORECAST FOR 21ST TO 27TH FEBRUARY

WEEKLY FORECAST FOR 28TH FEBRUARY TO 6TH MARCH

WEEKLY FORECAST FOR 7TH TO 13TH MARCH

WEEKLY FORECAST FOR 14TH TO 20TH MARCH

WEEKLY FORECAST FOR 21ST TO 27TH MARCH

WEEKLY FORECAST FOR 28TH MARCH TO 3RD APRIL

WEEKLY FORECAST FOR 28TH MARCH TO 3RD APRIL

WEEKLY FORECAST FOR 11TH TO 17TH APRIL

WEEKLY FORECAST FOR 18TH TO 24TH APRIL

WEEKLY FORECAST FOR 25TH APRIL TO 1ST MAY

WEEKLY FORECAST FOR 2ND TO 8TH MAY

WEEKLY FORECAST FOR 9TH TO 15TH MAY

WEEKLY FORECAST FOR 16TH TO 22ND MAY

WEEKLY FORECAST FOR 23RD TO 29TH MAY

WEEKLY FORECAST FOR 30TH MAY TO 5TH JUNE

WEEKLY FORECAST FOR 6TH TO 12TH JUNE

WEEKLY FORECAST FOR 13TH JUNE TO 19TH JUNE

WEEKLY FORECAST FOR 20TH TO 26TH JUNE

WEEKLY FORECAST FOR 27TH JUNE TO 3RD JULY

WEEKLY FORECAST FOR 4TH TO 10TH JULY

WEEKLY FORECAST FOR 11TH TO 17TH JULY

WEEKLY FORECAST FOR 18TH JULY TO 24TH JULY

WEEKLY FORECAST FOR 25TH TO 31ST JULY

WEEKLY FORECAST FOR 1ST TO 7TH AUGUST

WEEKLY FORECAST FOR 8TH TO 14TH AUGUST

WEEKLY FORECAST FOR 15TH TO 21ST AUGUST

WEEKLY FORECAST FOR 22ND TO 28TH AUGUST

WEEKLY FORECAST FOR 29TH AUGUST TO 4TH SEPTEMBER

WEEKLY FORECAST FOR 5TH TO 11TH SEPTEMBER

WEEKLY FORECAST FOR 12TH TO 18TH SEPTEMBER

WEEKLY FORECAST FOR 19TH TO 25TH SEPTEMBER

WEEKLY FORECAST FOR 26TH SEPTEMBER TO 2ND OCTOBER

WEEKLY FORECAST FOR 3RD TO 9TH OCTOBER

WEEKLY FORECAST FOR 10TH TO 16TH OCTOBER

WEEKLY FORECAST FOR 17TH TO 23RD OCTOBER

WEEKLY FORECAST FOR 24TH TO 30TH OCTOBER

WEEKLY FORECAST FOR 31ST OCTOBER TO 6TH NOVEMBER

WEEKLY FORECAST FOR 7TH TO 13TH NOVEMBER

WEEKLY FORECAST FOR 21ST TO 27TH NOVEMBER

WEEKLY FORECAST FOR 28TH NOVEMBER TO 4TH DECEMBER

WEEKLY FORECAST FOR 5TH TO 11TH DECEMBER

WEEKLY FORECAST FOR 12TH TO 18TH DECEMBER

WEEKLY FORECAST FOR 19TH TO 25TH DECEMBER

WEEKLY FORECAST FOR 26TH DECEMBER TO 1ST JANUARY

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

FOREWORD

Gypsy Petulengro, Mystic Meg, Prince Monolulu, My Aunt Nellie with the tea-leaves. All of them practised in the dark arts; in the great tradition of soothsayers and necromancers...

Anyone who deludes themselves that Kevin Joslin is part of this tradition can only be regarded as an escapee from the Home for the Bewildered. Don’t let the earrings and crystal ball fool you; this man is the son of a disgraced bookies runner from Cahirciveen. Not only does he know nothing of the future, he has little grasp of the present. Do not cross this numpty’s palm with silver!

TERRY WOGAN

INTRODUCTION

Ever since primitive man first gazed up into the eternity of night and asked himself the question, ‘What is that stuff I just stepped in?’ people have wondered what effect the star-strewn heavens have on their daily lives.

Following years of painstaking research, this volume of precise and detailed astrological forecasts for the year ahead, eschews the normal wishy-washy and rather all encompassing language of the hack astrologers who typically ply their trade in daily newspapers, the editors of which wouldn’t know a real astrologer even if they had put up a tent on their front lawn and played Ink Spots records at deafening volume on a ghetto-blaster until they agreed to see the person in question, who incidentally has no connection to myself or anyone I know.

No. We deal with specifics here. If your cat is about to be flattened by a falling space-station component, you will know about it in advance, and can take immediate action to avoid the impending disaster – assuming that you actually like your cat that is.

The week ahead for each of the twelve signs of the zodiac is forecast in summary form, with specific events highlighted along with any items that are particularly imbued with good fortune.

Should any of the forecasts prove at all inaccurate, you may of course return the book to the retailer, who will, I confidently predict, roll their eyes and say to a colleague, ‘They’re out in force this morning Jeff’.

KEVIN JOSLIN

ARIES

The Moon joins Venus, the planet of relationships, in the area of your chart that governs income tax. You may have to adopt an extremely unconventional approach with the tax inspector to reduce your next bill. Saturn rising means that it would be best to try out those new soup spoons by next Friday, when Mars goes trine.

Lucky cake: Caraway seed

Lucky bag: Gladstone

TAURUS

Before Mercury goes retrograde next week, it would be a good idea to spend as much time as possible away from the office. Charcoal insoles are likely to gain new significance. On Friday, you will be surprised when your passion for knitting is discovered when you are caught with your nose in a Woman’s Realm in the public library.

Lucky sport: Jousting

Lucky vault: Double-twisting Tsukahara

GEMINI

After next Friday things may not run quite so smoothly for a few weeks, while your ruler, Mercury, is retrograde. Tuesday’s New Moon will see you in the midst of things socially, but a misheard comment about Marigold gloves and Swarfega will lead to an unseemly scuffle at the Bingo on Wednesday. You may live to regret having given up the piano-accordion.

Lucky manoeuvre: Heimlich

Lucky Walton: Jim-Bob

CANCER

The Moon joins Venus, the planet of relationships, in the area of your chart that governs junk-food means that your partner makes the shocking discovery that for the last three and a half years you have been doing something unusual with the malted-milk biscuits. Instead of eating them conventionally, you have been nibbling around the edges until only the cow-shaped portion of biscuit remains, and hiding them in your sock drawer then playing with the herd on the dressing table.

Lucky stain: Mustard

Lucky pancake: Scotch

LEO

It’s a busy time. You may start the week in a whirl of activity, but on the whole it is positive and productive until Tuesday lunchtime when you fall into bad company and wake up dressed only in Tupperware and tied to a telegraph pole in Low Moor Road, Bradford.

Lucky colour: Periwinkle

Lucky vitamin: Riboflavin

VIRGO

Your ruler, Mercury, goes retrograde next Friday, which means an unsettled period ahead. It might seem a hard thing to achieve, but you must get over your first love. No good will come of those conjugal visits in prison. Learn to enjoy the lascivious stares of the Finance Director in the queue at the whelk stall. There’s a lot more to him than meets the eye.

Lucky eye shadow: Blue

Lucky pen: Ballpoint

LIBRA

Tuesday’s New Moon is in dispute with Pluto. It’s likely to go to arbitration but will almost certainly be resolved before it gets to a formal hearing. The Sun in Capricorn means that there is a bit of an atmosphere at work. On the way to the office you witness a UFO abduction by the railway station, but you have other things on your mind, so forget to mention it.

Lucky snack: Quail eggs

Lucky Stone: Bill Wyman

SCORPIO

Well, you’re a darkhorse and that’s for sure! Not only have you managed to conceal the fact from your friends that you’ve had a big win on the bingo, a benign Saturn reveals that you have recently patented a method for turning split-ends into weapons-grade plutonium. Mind how you cross the road on Wednesday.

Lucky seven: Samurai

Lucky soft drink: Um-Bongo

SAGITTARIUS

Mars in your sign is likely to cause domestic upheaval this week. Expect an argument on Tuesday involving a nine-iron and a meat and potato pie. A quiet man in white gloves will take on new significance in your life on Wednesday. The New Moon in Capricorn will bring welcome respite from that mysterious whooping noise from your back boiler.

Lucky lunch: Chops and mash

Lucky trousers: Corduroy

CAPRICORN

Mercury rising means you would do well to avoid men with ‘Blakeys’ in their shoes this week. Your normal good humour will be sorely tested by an irascible colleague on Thursday. If you are prone to in-growing toenails, you should avoid Warwick Castle at all costs.

Lucky colour: Heliotrope

Lucky landseer: Monarch of the Glen

AQUARIUS

As Tuesday’s New Moon approaches, a close friend may bring you good news about your dandruff. There can only be one outcome should you choose to ignore the frayed elastic in your ill-starred foundation garments. If you have Venus rising at the end of the week, you only have yourself to blame. However, there’s a good chance of new trousers on Saturday.

Lucky red: Barolo

Lucky gland: Pancreas

PISCES

As the period of change that began with the New Moon moves into a new stage, you will be less troubled by persistent verucca than in recent months although hard skin will still prove problematic. Don’t be tempted by a bargain fireguard until Mercury goes retrograde on Friday.

Lucky weakness: Turkish Delight

Lucky dance: The Watutsi

ARIES

This week you will be in your element (Helium). Neptune indicates that surprises are in store towards the end of the week when you may be involved in an incident with a Glockenspiel – and it’s no use thinking that broad beans will solve your problems this time.

Lucky vessel: Schooner

Lucky cartoon: Squiddly-Diddly

TAURUS

The New Moon last week indicates that now is the time to clean out that cupboard under the stairs. While doing so, you find a secret passage to Lerwick in the Shetland Islands. When Mercury goes retrograde, you will receive an unexpected invitation to afternoon tea at the Ritz with Shabba Ranks.

Lucky number: 2,124

Lucky pants: Blue Y-Fronts

GEMINI

The Sun, your ruler, in your opposite sign of Aquarius, is trine Saturn, which indicates that you should make sure you don’t run out of lip-balm on Wednesday. If you see an unusually shaped vegetable, buy it; it will see off an armed intruder.

Lucky snack: Toast Toppers

Lucky game: Connect 4

CANCER

You would be well advised to pick up a new bird-bath on Tuesday as the Sun forming a trine to Saturn, emphasised by the New Moon, means that you will encounter some really dirty birds later in the week. Although your ruler Mercury is retrograde, even your dodgy instep feels better.

Lucky Turner: The Fighting Temeraire

Lucky smell: Creosote

LEO

The early part of the week may bring you an unexpected message from the past – perhaps an old flame, or possibly the results of a blood test. Tuesday lunchtime will see you cornered by a stocky Yorkshireman wearing a tie that could best be described as ‘a bit sudden’. Under no circumstances should you accompany him to the Post Office.

Lucky lubricant: WD40

Lucky marmalade: Grapefruit

VIRGO

After a weak Saturn/Uranus, Saturday will bring a new passion into your life when you come across a hitherto undiscovered aptitude for Scottish country dancing. Sagittarius rising will wake you in the early hours of Sunday by slamming the car door. The weekend will bring some respite as you discover a new floor-cleaning product while attending a baptism.

Lucky number: Pi

Lucky prophet: Isiah

LIBRA

On Thursday you must decide whether to turn left or right, one road leads to