Random Quest

Random Quest

L Tait

Published by L Tait, 2015.

While every precaution has been taken in the preparation of this book, the publisher assumes no responsibility for errors or omissions, or for damages resulting from the use of the information contained herein.

RANDOM QUEST

First edition. November 15, 2015.

Copyright © 2015 L Tait.

ISBN: 978-1519951038

Written by L Tait.

Also by L Tait

The Van Helsen Series

Frenemies

Home Truths

The Reunion

Loose Cannon

Satan's Game

Artistic Differences

Keeping Secrets

Identity Crisis

Undecided...

Standalone

If Only!

School Daze!

Random Quest

I'm Not As Green As I'm Cabbage Looking!

The Work Experience

Table of Contents

Title Page

Copyright Page

Also By L Tait

Random Quest

Random Quest

Introduction

Good evening Peeps! It’s your trusty humble narrator here! Back again! At this precise moment in time, I’m watching Punslinger, on ITV4, fronted by the undisputed king of punnery, Tim Vine, who was in quite a few series of the Lee Mack sitcom, Not Going Out. Funniest joke care of Monsieur Vine, ‘I sold my vacuum cleaner today, it was just collecting dust.’ You get the idea! Anyway, I’m kicking off a new project, friends, which is this! I have gone with the above title, as, I plan to cover various random time periods, as extracted from my journals, almost sixty nine in total so far, and they won’t be in chronological order, just a heads up, Peeps! As a super special treat, I’m going to relate to you all where I am at present, before the mists of time descend upon us, sending us into a fun filled fog of past recollections and so on! The biggest event to date in the life of your humble narrator here, would be my graduation ceremony! Yes, I am officially a graduate, a postgraduate, I think the term is! So, now you’ve got the general idea, let’s crack on, shall we? It’ll be fun! More fun than my graduation ceremony at any rate! Moving on, you don’t have to read on if you don’t want to! But...I sense that you’re an inquisitive lot! Welcome to my world! I take notes, so you don’t have to!

let’s be having you! And, just to clarify, the boss I mention in my diary entries has moved on, and my new boss, circa September 2014, is brand new! As in, a regular, stand up guy! A jolly decent bloke!

Lilian Tait BA (Hons) Lit (Open) 26th October 2014.

(Not sure I got that bit right! But, I’ve got the certificate, and had the handshake! You get my meaning, guys!)

Sunday 26th October 2014

So, Hello Peeps! What’s Occurring? Before I spill the proverbial beans on my Graduation Ceremony, I thought I might tackle some other stuff! Namely, that Sir Benedict of Cumberbatch got a shut eye when he tried to steal Miranda Hart’s thunder on Graham Norton’s chat show the other night! As if not being able to pronounce ‘penguin’ for a nature documentary wasn’t bad enough, he tried to impersonate Beyonce’s walk to the song Crazy In Love, and he came out of it looking like a horse at a dressage event in the midst of a sudden epileptic fit! Or, how I’d imagine a horse in such a situation to look! Frankly, though, if things have become so bad that you’re relying on impersonating walks in true Monty Python stylee (Ministry of silly walks sketch,folks! It’s not a new concept!) for entertainment, then you really are in trouble! The cultural heart of our nation has officially gone to the wall, if this is all we have on offer! The mind boggles, it really does! There’s a whole thing about how the expression about stealing one’s thunder came about! It comes from a theatrical story about someone who created a thunder machine, and you can fill in the blanks, or get the book, Expressions and how we got them. It’s a really good book! To the bitter end comes from sailing! It’s the last part of the rope, once it’s fully unravelled! The ‘bits’ being where the rope is stored and let out! You get my meaning! I’m not a sailor!

So, the clocks went back today! If you’re from my part of the world, you will know it’s Spring forward and fall back, in terms of whether the clocks go forwards, or back, an hour! But, on the transition day, it either feels quick, or incredibly slow! So, today has

been slow!

I am also feeling strangely at peace, because, and this is for all you facebook enthusiasts out there, (but I am not one of them!) I defriended someone who was starting to really grind my gears! She was trying to strongarm me into giving her information I decidedly didn’t want her to have! To explain, she’s a relative, and I heard nothing from her for eighteen years. When my mother passed away, I heard nothing from her, then, out of politeness, I took her on as a friend. But then she started to really annoy me! So, I feel that FB is not to be abused under any circumstances, and, in my case, it was to try and put me in touch with another relative who also disappeared off the scene for eighteen years when my mother passed away! I was having none of it! It was like my family didn’t  even exist to them, then, when it suits them, they try to wend their way back in! You don’t disappear for eighteen years then conveniently try to strongarm someone via FB! That is not what it’s for, friends! I rarely check in as it is! It’s like having a pesky troll! And, she’s never off FB! So, I took her out! She can strongarm my sister if she wants! She’s on her friends list! I’m sure I am not alone here!

So, to my Graduation ceremony!

I wish I could say it was more fun than a comedy club full of the finest stand up comics known to man! I wish I could tell you that!

If you’ve ever attended one of those gigs, you’ll know that they’re boring! Insomniacs could be cured if they attended a few of them! I travelled out to Edinburgh with my sister and brother-in-law yesterday, and the journey out was pleasant enough! Two girls seated at a table opposite ours on the train were landed with an older couple, and the husband just started talking to them! For the rest of the trip! I think they got on two stations into the journey, the couple I mean! And we were all landed with a screeching child that sounded like it was being tortured by its parents! Sounded like something out of Jurassic Park! I tend to think that children that scream in that inarticulate fashion reflects the parenting! You’ve all heard it!

The weather in Glasgow was frightful, but, in Edinburgh, a little more delightful!

So, we arrived at Edinburgh Waverley, and set about finding the Usher Hall. It was only half eleven in the morning, but, already, people were milling about in their gowns! I got all gowned up too, but, I didn’t notice till much later, when I was due to hand it back in, that I may have had mine on inside out! We three then went to a pub called Shakespeare’s, for a drink, and after that, I got my photos taken! I’d stumped up for them already so felt I had to get them done, even though I don’t like getting my picture taken!

The photo studios had been set up opposite the Lyceum theatre, in the theatre space, and they had this sky blue background set up. It reminded me of the flying scene in Titanic, and I thought it would have been fun to strike the flying pose in my robes, with a makeshift bow made of cardboard as a prop! (I’m flying! Jack!). In fact, why not do other film poses? Makes a nice change from standing with a scroll, doesn’t it? You could get one of the assistants to stand back to back with you, like assassins, or get a couple of other graduates and do the Charlie’s Angels pose! Oh, come on! It would be amazing! Why stop at wearing one’s robes inside out? I think, because the hire label might have been tagged to the right side of the gown and not the reverse side, that I ended up wearing it inside out! The people who helped me with the hood should have noticed!

So, we were all seated at around 2pm, in the hall, and we had to endure this organist thinking he was Liberace! He looked like he should have been in the Tower Ballroom in Blackpool, or on Songs of Praise. The latter appealed to me more as the heads of state appeared, led by someone holding a sceptre with the Open University logo on the tip of it, like it was the opening of Parliament! So, we all had to stand for them! They sat themselves down on the stage like a well dressed choral group, hence the Songs of Praise thing! In my mind, I heard myself saying, ‘And now the choir will sing a medley of hymns starting with Pink Floyd’s, The Wall.’ See? My comedy mind was working overtime! And I thought, re the organist, ‘He drinks Carling Black Label.’ They take it all so seriously! Too seriously!

So, then we were treated to an introductory film shown on big screens, bearing the Open University’s coat of arms. Their motto, ‘Learn and live.’ Oddly enough, not in Latin, or any other foreign text as more ancient institutions tend to go for! The ‘film’ appeared to be little more than a subliminal recruitment drive aimed at the guests who came along, to try and get them to take a course up, had they not already done so!

And, two ‘honorary’ doctorates were awarded, and we had to hear the thank you speeches from the recipients, and the introductions from the givers as well, if you get my meaning! Honorary doctorates are awards given to people who didn’t need to study for them! A bit of a smack in the chops to those of us who slogged for years over ours! Seven years in my case! I thought the graduates were under represented on the speech making front! I reckon they should have had a competition, inviting the graduates to write something and the best speech could have been read out by the winner at the ceremony! What the OU means to them! A great idea! Then it was the hand clapping, award giving, hand shaking part of the gig! And, the awards were given in order of merit. Doctorates, then honours degrees (Me!) and the plain, unadorned, without honours degrees! I swear there was a contest going on in the audience to see who could whoop and cheer the loudest! It was like Centre court at Wimbledon, on Men’s singles final day! Everyone got a scroll, inside it was a congratulatory note, and, get this, a data stick with information on the OU on it! Preaching to the converted, maybe? After seven years of studying, I won’t be doing any more! After my hand shake I attempted a