I Wish I Had Said That

I Wish I’d

Said That

Over 4,000 Humorous and Clever Quips and Quotes

Aphorisms, Proverbs and Short Quotes for all Occasions

Selected and Edited by

Brian J. Bedkober

I Wish I’d Said That

Copyright © 2014 Brian J. Bedkober

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

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The information, views, opinions and visuals expressed in this publication are solely those of the author(s) and do not reflect those of the publisher. The publisher disclaims any liabilities or responsibilities whatsoever for any damages, libel or liabilities arising directly or indirectly from the contents of this publication.

A copy of this publication can be found in the National Library of Australia.

ISBN: 978-1-742845-03-6 (pbk.)

Published by Book Pal

www.bookpal.com.au

Index of Headings

Introduction

Ability (Merit)

Abortion (Contraception)

Absence

Abstinence (Chastity)

Acceptance

Accustom

Acquaintance

Acting and Actors (Hollywood)

Action (Direction, Patience)

Addiction (Drugs)

Admiration (Respect)

Adolescence (Youth)

Adult

Adultery

Adversity (Problems)

Advertising

Advice

Affirmative Action

Age (Middle Age)

Agnostic

Agreement (Contracts)

Alcohol (Drink, Water,Alcoholic, Wine)

Alcoholic (Drink, Water,Alcohol, Wine)

Aliens

Alimony

Ambassador

Ambition

America

Anarchy

Ancestors (Genes)

Anger

Animals

Annoy (Worry)

Apathy

Apology (Regret)

Appearances (Clothes, Beauty,Height, Perception)

Applause (Speech)

Argument(Discussion, Impartial, Infallibility).

Arrogance (Snob)

Art

Astrology

Atheism

Attitude

Authority (Leadership, Tyranny)

Awards

Babies (Birth)

Bachelor (Single)

Bad (Evil)

Beauty (Appearance)

Beggar (Poverty)

Beliefs (Ideas, Ideals)

Benevolence (Charity, Welfare)

Bible

Bigotry (Mind)

Biography

Birth (Babies)

Blame (Responsibility)

Books (Reading, Writing)

Bore

Boxing

Brains (Mind, Thinking)

Brevity

Budget (Taxation)

Bureaucrat and Bureaucracy (Government)

Business (Monopoly)

Busy

Capitalism

Car (Parking)

Caution (Discretion, Prudence)

Celebrity (Fame)

Censorship

Certainty

Change

Character (Change, Snob)

Charity (Benevolence, Welfare)

Chastity

Childhood

Children (Parents, Twins)

Choice (Wrong, Decisions)

Christmas

Church (Religion)

Civilization

Clarity

Class

Cleaning (Housework)

Clergy

Cloning (Genes)

Clothes (Appearances)

Collectivism (Communism,Socialism, Democracy)

Committees

Common Sense (Judgment)

Communism(Collectivism, Socialism)

Competence

Complaint

Compromise

Computers

Conceit (Egotist, Perfect)

Conclusion (Solution)

Confessions

Confidence

Conformity (Individualism)

Confusion

Conscience

Consequences (Responsibility)

Consistency

Conspiracy

Constitutions

Consultant (Expert)

Contraception

Contracts

Contradiction

Conversation (Language, Silence)

Cooking (Food)

Corruption

Costs

Country

Courage (Hero)

Coward (Fear)

Cricket

Crime(Prison, Punishment, Theft)

Critics

Criticism

Crowds

Cult

Culture (Tradition)

Cunning (Deception)

Curiosity

Cynic (Skepticism)

Dancing

Dating

Death (Martyrs)

Debt

Deception (Cunning)

Decisions(Choice, Wrong, Committee)

Defeat (Failure)

Definitions

Delusions

Democracy (Constitutions, Government)

Denial

Dentist

Desire

Destiny (Free Will)

Determination(Purpose, Endurance, Perseverance)

Devil

Diary

Dictatorship(Tyranny, Authority)

Diet

Dignity

Diligence

Diplomacy

Direction (Action, Determination, Purpose)

Disappointment

Disapproval

Discipline

Discover

Discretion (Caution)

Discussion (Argument, Conversation, Opinion, Tact)

Disease (Doctor, Health,Treatment, Hypochondria)

Divorce

Doctor (Disease, Health,Treatment)

Dogs

Dogma

Doubt (Indecision)

Dreams (Sleep)

Drink (Alcohol, Water,Alcoholic, Wine)

Drugs (Addiction)

Duty

Dyslexia

Economics (Inflation)

Economists

Editors

Education (Teaching,Professor, School)

Efficiency

Egotist (Conceit)

Electricity

Emotions (Hate, Love)

Endurance (Determination)

Enemies (Forgiveness)

English

Enigma

Enthusiasm

Environment

Envy

Epitaphs (Funerals)

Equality

Eternity

Evidence

Evil (Bad)

Evolution (Genes)

Exercise

Excuses

Experience

Experts (Consultant, Specialist)

Explanation

Facts (Evidence)

Failure (Defeat)

Faith

Fame (Celebrity, Recognition)

Familiarity

Fanatic (Ideals)

Fashion

Fat

Faults (Perfection)

Fear (Coward)

Feminism

Fights

Fishing

Flirtation

Flying

Food (Cooking, Vegetarian)

Fools (Ignorance)

Force

Forgiveness (Enemy)

Freedom (Liberty)

Free Will (Destiny)

Friends

Funerals (Epitaphs)

Future (Prediction)

Gambling (Risk)

Genes (Ancestors, Cloning,Evolution)

Genius

Gentleman (Manners)

Girls (Women)

Glasses

God (Religion)

Golf (Sport)

Good

Gossip

Government (Bureaucracy,Democracy)

Gratitude

Greed

Growth (Progress)

Guests

Guns (Weapons)

Habit

Happiness (Pleasure)

Haste (Speed)

Hate

Health (Disease, Treatment, Hypochondria)

Hearing

Heaven

Hecklers (Insults)

Height

Hell

Hero (Courage)

History

Hobbies

Hollywood (Actors)

Home

Homosexuality

Honesty

Honor (Respect)

Hope

Housework (Cleaning)

Humility (Modesty)

Humor (Laughter)

Hunting

Husband

Hypochondria (Health, Disease)

Hypocrite

Ideas (Beliefs, Innovation)

Ideals (Beliefs, Fanatic)

Ideology (Beliefs)

Ignorance (Stupidity)

Imagination

Imitation

Immigration

Immortality (Life)

Impartial

Impossible

Incentives

Income (Money, Payment)

Indecision (Doubt)

Individualism (Conformity)

Infallibility

Inferiority

Inflation (Economics)

Influence (Perfume)

Information

Ingratitude

Inheritance

Innovation (Ideas, Original)

Insults (Hecklers)

Insurance

Intellectuals

Intelligence (Brain, Mind,Thinking)

Interests

Interesting

Intuition

Investment (Income, Money,Wealth)

Irish

Jesus

Jewish

Journalists

Judge

Judgment

Jury

Justice

Kiss

Knowledge (Understanding)

Lady

Language (Conversation, Words).

Laughter (Humor)

Law (Regulations)

Lawyers

Laziness

Leadership (Authority,Tyranny, Power)

Lending

Liberal

Liberty (Freedom)

Lies (Truth)

Life (Immortality)

Listening

Logic

Love (Emotions, Marriage,Mistress)

Loyalty

Luck

Manners (Gentleman)

Martyrs (Death)

Masochism

Masturbation

Mathematics (Probability, Statistics)

Measurement

Mediocrity

Memory

Men

Mental Illness (Paranoid, Psychiatry)

Merit (Ability)

Message

Middle Age (Age)

Mind (Bigot, Brains, Intelligence, Reason, Thinking)

Miracle

Mistakes

Mistress (Love, Marriage)

Moderation (Virtue)

Modesty (Humility, Recognition, Virtue)

Money (Income, Investment,Wealth)

Monogamy

Monopoly (Business)

Morals

Mother-in-Law (Relatives)

Movies

Murder

Music (Opera)

Myths (Superstition)

Names

Nature

Necessity

Neighbor

Nepotism

Nonsense

Nostalgia

Nudity

Objectivity

Obligation (Promise)

Obscenity (Sex)

Obscurity

Observation

Opera (Music, Sing)

Opinion

Opportunity

Opposition

Optimism

Organize

Original (Innovation)

Panic

Paradox

Paranoid

Parents (Children)

Parking

Patience

Patriotism

Payment (Value)

Peace

Pedestrian

People

Perception (Appearance)

Perfection (Conceit, Egotist, Fault)

Perfume

Perseverance (Determination)

Persuasion

Pessimism (Optimism)

Philosophers

Philosophy

Planning (Change, Prediction,Strategy)

Pleasure

Poetry

Policemen

Policy

Political Parties

Politicians (Government, Power, Statesman, Voting)

Politics

Possible

Poverty (Beggar)

Power (Politicians)

Praise

Prayer

Preaching

Prediction (Planning, Future)

Prejudice

Pride

Principles

Priorities

Prison (Crime, Punishment, Theft)

Probability

Problems (Adversity, Solution)

Procrastination

Profession

Professor

Progress (Growth)

Promise (Obligation)

Property

Prudence (Caution)

Psychiatrist

Psychiatry (Mental Illness)

Psychic

Pun

Punctuality

Punishment (Prison)

Purpose (Determination,Direction)

Puzzle

Question

Quotations

Racism

Radical

Reading (Books)

Reality

Reason (Brain, Mind, Think)

Recognition (Merit)

Reconsider

Regret (Apology)

Regulations (Law)

Relationships

Relatives

Relativity

Religion (Bible, Church, Cult,Clergy, God, Prayer, Preach)

Repetition

Reputation

Rescue

Research (Survey)

Respect (Admiration, Honor)

Responsibility (Blame,Consequences)

Restraint

Retaliation (Revenge)

Retirement

Revenge (Retaliation)

Revolution (Tyranny)

Rights

Risk

Rules

Sacrifice

Safety

Saints

Satisfy

School (Education)

Science

Secrets

Selfish

Self-Respect

Sensitivity

Serious

Sex (Obscenity)

Shopping

Shyness

Silence (Conversation)

Similarity

Simplify

Sin

Sincerity

Sing

Single (Bachelor)

Size

Skepticism (Cynic)

Sleep (Dreams)

Smoking

Snob (Character)

Socialism (Communism,Collectivism)

Soldiers

Solitude

Solution (Conclusion, Problem)

Soul

Space

Specialist (Expert)

Speech (Applause)

Speed (Haste)

Sport (Boxing, Cricket, Golf, Fishing)

Standards

Statesman

Statistics

Strategy (Planning)

Strength

Stupidity (Ignorance)

Style (Taste)

Subtlety

Success (Victory)

Suffering

Suicide

Superstition (Myth)

Survey (Research)

Suspicion

Symbolism

Talent

Taste (Style)

Taxation (Budget)

Teaching (Education)

Telephone

Television

Temptation

Theft

Theory

Thinking (Brains, Intelligence, Mind, Clarity)

Threats (Warning)

Time (Punctuality)

Timing

Tolerance

Tools

Trade

Tradition (Culture)

Tragedy

Travel

Treatment (Doctor, Health,Disease)

Treaty

Trust

Truth (Lies)

Twins

Tyranny (Authority, Dictatorship, Power, Revolution)

Ugly

Understanding (Knowledge)

Unemployment (Work)

Unity

Value (Payment)

Vegetarian

Vice

Victory (Success)

Virtue (Moderation, Modesty)

Voting

War

Warning (Threat)

Water

Wealth (Money)

Weapons (Guns)

Weather

Welfare (Charity, Benevolence)

Widows

Wife (Marriage)

Wine (Alcohol)

Wisdom

Wit

Women (Girls)

Words (Language, Writing)

Work

Worry (Annoy, Problems)

Writing (Biography, Books, Editor)

Wrong (Choice, Decisions)

Youth (Adolescence)

Introduction

The wisdom of the wise and the experience of the ages are perpetuated by quotations. Benjamin Disraeli

If you ever wanted to say something clever – make a smart remark or a witty comeback - but couldn’t put your finger on just the right thing to say, this is the book for you. As Samuel Johnson remarked, the excellence of aphorisms consists not so much in the expression of some rare or abstruse sentiment, as in the comprehension of some obvious and useful truth in a few words. This book contains not only aphorisms and proverbs but also, when I have thought them to be particularly clever or apt, a few puns. Any quotations that have been included have (with a few exceptions) had to satisfy the requirement of brevity and conformity with my own particular sense of humor. In the case of political comments I have deliberately omitted those that appear, in my view, to be frankly erroneous – except in those occasional instances in which they either highlight their own inadequacies or are particularly amusing.

While there are several other books available of a similar type, they all seem to contain lengthy quotations from bygone eras and express ideas of little current relevance in language that most of us could not be bothered deciphering or would not wish to repeat. And many of them, while claiming to be so, are not particularly amusing or insightful.

Of course, contrary to the book’s title, I do not wish I had said absolutely everything that I have recorded. While some of the entries have the saving grace of being amusing or clever many are, nevertheless, quite rude, distasteful, irreverent or even obnoxious. Others, as I have said, contain political messages or opinions that I reject.

Entries have been arranged alphabetically by key words since the principle purpose of the book is not only to provide a repository for a certain type of wit and wisdom but also to provide appropriate quotes and sharp one-liners for conversationalists, speakers and writers. In order not to have too many separate categories, some of the entries are not entirely accurately placed under the headings where they are to be found. On the other hand, with some subjects there are so many comments that they have had to be broken up into smaller elements. And then, of course, different people read different things into the same comment. I encourage readers, therefore, to look under similar headings if they cannot find precisely what they are looking for. To assist in that process I have bracketed alongside some entries alternative headings under which the reader may profitably search.

Attribution is supplied where known, but there are inevitably a large number of cases in which the origin of the remark is unknown or uncertain. Occasionally I have credited two sources when it is unclear who was originally responsible - and some quotes have been attributed to individuals who may have been the first to utter them but that were probably written for them. The entries have been collected over a number of years from sources too numerous to acknowledge separately.

I have also included an alphabetical list of references to authors that, in order to limit its length, contains only the names of those individuals who have contributed more than two comments.

Happy reading.

Brian Bedkober

December 2015

Ability (Merit)

It’s a great ability to be able to conceal one’s ability. de la Rochefoucauld, Francois

Not only are people highly paid because they are able; they are also able because they are highly paid. Russell, Bertrand

The less their ability, the more their conceit. HaAm, Ahad

Ability will never catch up with the demand for it. Forbes, Malcolm

God is not on the side of the heavy battalions, but of the best shots. Voltaire

Abortion (Contraception)

Abortion is advocated only by persons who have themselves been born.

Reagan, Ronald

If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament. Kennedy, Florynce

Absence

Absence is the dark-room in which lovers develop negatives. Dreiser, Theodore

Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder. Drummond, Hugh

Absence makes the heart go yonder. Byrne, Robert

I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here. Bishop, Stephen

It is better to be on hand with ten men, than to be absent with ten thousand.

Tamerlane

Abstinence (Chastity)

Total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation. Augustine, St.

I distrust camels and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.Lewis, Joe E.

Abstinence is a good thing, but it should always be practiced in moderation.

Unknown

Acceptance

It is always well to accept your own shortcomings with candor, but to regard those of your friends with polite incredulity. Lynes, Russell

The art of acceptance is the art of making someone who has just done you a small favor wish that he might have done you a greater one. Lynes, Russell

What cannot be cured must be endured. Rabelais, Francois

Never accept the invitation of a stranger unless he gives you candy.

Festa, Linda

Don’t accept rides from strange men, and remember that all men are strange.

Morgan, Robin

Accustom

Those who deal in onions no longer smell them. Unknown

New faces have more authority than accustomed ones. Euripides

Men become accustomed to poison by degree. Hugo, Victor

Acquaintance

Acquaintance: A person who we know well enough to borrow from but not well enough to lend to. Bierce, Ambrose

New Year’s Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive. Leno, Jay

Acting and Actors (Hollywood)

Being another character is more interesting than being yourself.

Gielgud, Sir John

Acting: Farting about in disguise. O’Toole, Peter

Only in show business could a guy with a C-minus average be considered an intellectual. Sahl, Mort (of himself)

There are only two types of exercise in Hollywood: jogging and helping a divorced friend move. Wagner, Robert

Give me a couple of years and I will make that actress an overnight success. Goldwyn, Samuel

Acting is the most minor of gifts and not a very high-class way to earn a living. After all, Shirley Temple could do it at the age of four.

Hepburn, Katharine

It is not an accident that an anagram of actors is scrota. Hitchcock, Alfred

Some of the greatest love affairs I have known involved one actor, unassisted. Mizner, Wilson

A fan club is a group of people who tell an actor he is not alone in the way he feels about himself. Carson, Jack

Acting is merely the art of keeping a large group of people from coughing. Richardson, Sir Ralph

The Welsh are all actors, it’s only the bad ones that become professionals. Burton, Richard

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

Burns, George

I do twenty minutes every time the refrigerator door opens and the light comes on. Reynolds, Debbie

Show me a great actor and I’ll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you’ve seen the devil. Fields, W. C.

Action (Direction, Patience)

Action creates fear; inaction creates terror. Horton, Doug

Action without thought is like shooting without aiming. American Proverb

Those who can – do. Those who cannot – teach. Those who cannot teach become deans. Martin, Thomas L.

Whatever their activity is, the active think they are better. Canetti, Elias

All the beautiful sentiments in the world weigh less than a single lovely action. Lowell, James Russell

Doing nothing on purpose is doing something. Hollis, Martin

Remember it takes 42 muscles to frown and only four to pull the trigger of a decent sniper rifle. Henderson, Mitch

When here is a great cry that something should be done, you can depend on it that something remarkably silly probably will be done. Benn, Tony

Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there. Rogers, Will

Never mistake motion for action. Hemingway, Ernest

Things may come to those who wait…… but only those things left by those who hustle. Lincoln, Abraham

He has half the deed done who has made a beginning. Horace

When you take the bull by the horns….what happens is a toss-up. Ridge, William

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin to slit throats. Mencken, H. L.

Of course I don’t look busy, I did it right the first time. Adams, Scott

Addiction (Drugs)

I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life. Hedberg, Mitch

Cocaine is God’s silent way of saying you’re making too much money. Williams, Robin

I’ve never had a problem with drugs. I’ve had problems with the police. Richards, Keith

Cocaine isn’t habit forming. I know because I’ve been taking it for years. Bankhead, Tallulah

Admiration (Respect)

Admiration: Our polite recognition of another’s resemblance to ourselves. Bierce, Ambrose

While familiarity may not breed contempt, it takes the edge off admiration. Hazlitt, Henry

A fool always finds a greater fool to admire him. Boileau, Nicolaus

Adolescence (Youth)

Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery. Bierce, Ambrose

That period when a boy refuses to believe that someday he’ll be as dumb as his father. Unknown

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years. Twain, Mark

There’s nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them will not aggravate. Kerr, Jean

Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. Lebowitz, Fran

Adult

One who has ceased to grow vertically, but not horizontally. Unknown

The value of marriage is not that adults produce children, but that children produce adults. De Vries, Peter

Adultery

Adultery is the application of democracy to love. Mencken, H. L.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Guitry, Sacha

There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn’t stand for that. Martin, Steve

A man has to do something to relieve the monogamy. Unknown

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. Mason, Jackie

One man’s folly is another man’s wife. Rowland, Helen

Adversity (Problems)

The fatal law of gravity: when you are down everything falls on you.

Warner, Sylvia Townsend

By trying we can easily learn to endue adversity. Another man’s, I mean. Twain, Mark

When you are being kicked from the rear it means that you are in front.

Sheen, Fulton John

Everybody pushes a falling fence. Chinese Proverb

Storms make trees take deeper roots. Parton, Dolly

Advertising

You can fool all of the people all of the time if the advertising is right and the budget is big enough. Levine, Joseph E.

There is no such thing as soft sell and hard sell. There is only smart sell and stupid sell. Brower, Charles

The consumer is not a moron. She is your wife. Ogilvy, David (also attributed to Viscount Leverhulme)

Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless. Lewis, Sinclair

Advertisements contain the only truth to be relied on in a newspaper. Jefferson, Thomas

Don’t tell my mother I work in an advertising agency, she thinks I play the piano in a whorehouse. Seguela, Jacques

Half the money I spend on advertising is wasted; the trouble is I don’t know which half. Wannamaker, John

Doing business without advertising is like winking at a girl in the dark: you know what you are doing, but nobody else does. Leacock, Stephen

The fat-free label isn’t misleading! The fat is free. We only charge for the other ingredients. Unknown

A man loses his dog, so he puts an ad in the paper. And the ad says, Here boy! Milligan, Spike

No one dares suggest that neon signs blinking the message that Jesus Saves may be false advertising. Moore, R. Laurence

Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket. Orwell, George

Advice

When you go to a restaurant always choose a table near a waiter.

Jewish Proverb

I can offer lots of advice. Good advice. Advice that’s been passed down from generation to generation and never been used. Monkhouse, Bob

Never put anything on paper, my boy, and never trust a man with a small black moustache. Wodehouse, P. G.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman Where’s the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Wright, Steven

Advice after injury is like medicine after death. Danish Proverb

Be yourself is the worst advice you can give to some people. Masson, Tom

Most of us ask for advice when we know the answer but want a different one. Ball, Ivern

Never answer anonymous letters. Berra, Yogi

Don’t monkey with the buzz-saw. American Proverb

To keep the milk from going sour: keep it in the cow. Unknown

Rash: Insensible to the value of our advice. Bierce, Ambrose

Advice, like water, takes the form of the vessel it is poured into. American Proverb

I hate to take advice from some people when I see how bad they need it. Twain, Mark

I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself. Wilde, Oscar

When we seek advice we are usually looking for an accomplice.

Lagrange, Joseph

It takes more wisdom to profit from good advice than to give it.

Collins, John Churton

There is nothing we receive with so much reluctance as advice.

Addison, Joseph

Advice is seldom welcome; and those who want it the most always like it the least. Chesterfield, Lord

Advice is least heeded when most needed. English Proverb

A woman’s advice is not worth much, but he who doesn’t heed it is a fool. Calderon, Pedro

It is always silly to give advice, but to give good advice is absolutely fatal.

Wilde, Oscar

Beware the advice of a poor man. Spanish Proverb

Never trust the advice of a man in difficulties. Aesop

I intended to give you some advice, but now remember how much is left over from last year, unused. Harris, George

Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. de la Rochefoucauld, Francois

Nobody wants advice – only corroboration. Steinbeck, John

I always advise people never to give advice. Wodehouse, P. G.

Affirmative Action

In South Africa looting is known as affirmative shopping. Unknown

Affirmative action is racism under new management. Sowell, Thomas

Before giving a blood transfusion find out if the blood is affirmative or negative. Unknown

Age (Middle Age)

Age is a high price to pay for maturity. Stoppard, Tom

I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over.

Allen, Woody

Just when I finally got my head together, my body fell apart. Unknown

A man of sixty has spent twenty years in bed and over three years eating. Bennett, Arnold

Age is strictly a case of mind over matter; if you don’t mind it doesn’t matter. Benny, Jack

If I had known that I was going to live this long I would have taken better care of myself. Blake, James

You are getting old when the gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals. Burns, George

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something. Burns, George

Old vessels must leak. Fuller, Thomas

Inside every older person is a younger person – wondering what the hell happened. Armstrong, Cora Harvey

The years that a woman subtracts from her age are not lost. They are added to the ages of other women. Diane, Countess of Poitiers

When the teeth fall out the tongue wags loose. Arab Proverb

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. Burns, George

The other day a dog peed on me. A bad sign. Mencken, H. L.

I’m in the prime of senility. Franklin, Benjamin

There’s still no cure for the common birthday. Glenn, John

I was born in 1962. True. And the room next to me was 1963. Rivers, Joan

First thing I do in the morning is breath on the mirror and hope it fogs.

Wynn, Earl

Age considers, youth ventures. Tagore, Rabindranath

I was brought up to respect my elders and now I don’t have to respect anybody. Burns, George

A sexagenarian? At his age? I think that’s disgusting. Allen, Gracie

Alas, after a certain age every man is responsible for his face. Camus, Albert

You’re not old until it takes you longer to rest up than it does to get tired. Allen, Phog

One day you look in the mirror and you realize that the face you are shaving is your father’s. Harris, Robert

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.

Wright, Steven

I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do. Diller, Phyllis

The seven ages of woman are: her own, and six guesses. Unknown

Women age quicker than men, but less often. Unknown

He has a proud respect for old age. Especially when its bottled. Fowler, Gene

In youth we run into difficulties, in old age difficulties run into us.

Sills, Beverly

No man is ever old enough to know better. Jackson, Holbrook

None are so old as have outlived enthusiasm. Thoreau, Henry David

You must begin to be an old man early if you wish to be an old man long. Cicero, Marcus Tullius

I haven’t asked you to make me young again. All I want is to go on getting older. Adenauer, Konrad

I prefer old age to the alternative. Chevalier, Maurice

Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough. Marx, Groucho

We grow old more through indolence than through age.

Christina, Queen of Sweden

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. Youngman, Henny

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. Twain, Mark

I’m 65, but if there were 15 months in every year, I’d only be 48.

Thurber, James

I’m so old my blood type is discontinued. Danna, Bill (also attributed to Bob Hope and George William Curtis)

You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there. Burns, George

Mick Jagger told me the wrinkles on his face were laughter lines, but I told him nothing is that funny. Melly, George

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next, you forget to pull your zipper up and finally you forget to pull it down. Burns, George

Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you’ve got to start young. Roosevelt, Theodore

Two bats were hanging up in a cave and one said to