Me Being Me Is Exactly as Insane as You Being You

A CBS COMPANY

Copyright © 2015 Todd Hasak-Lowy

This book is copyright under the Berne Convention.

No reproduction without permission.

All rights reserved.

The right of Todd Hasak-Lowy to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act, 1988.

Simon & Schuster UK Ltd

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Simon & Schuster Australia, Sydney

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A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

PB ISBN: 978-1-47112-459-4

EBOOK ISBN: 978-1-47112-460-0

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual people living or dead, events or locales is entirely coincidental.

Printed and bound by CPI Group (UK) Ltd, Croydon, CR0 4YY

For Ariel

Contents

1. THURSDAY, APRIL 24

2. FRIDAY, APRIL 25

3. FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 26

4. SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 29

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

4 Conflicting Parts of Himself Darren Jacobs Attempts to Ignore as He Tries to Ask a Particular Eleventh-Grade Girl for a Really Big Favor on Friday, April 25, at 10:38 a.m.

1. His reluctance to become a screwup/stoner/delinquent. Because he might be taking a step closer to turning into any or all of those things if he asks her this favor (and she agrees to do it). Or even just deals with someone like this particular girl, who (based on the cigarette and the all-black outfit and the piercings) is pretty clearly a screwup and/or stoner, but probably not an actual delinquent. At least, Darren hopes she’s not, but who knows anything for sure at this point? Certainly not Darren, who keeps finding out that people aren’t who he thought they were.

2. His curiosity to see what would happen if he did something that a screwup/stoner/delinquent would do. Just this once. Because overall he’s been a pretty well-behaved kid his whole life, so then what’s the big deal, seriously, with doing something maybe not so smart just this one time?

3. His desire to kiss her, and have her kiss him back, right here and right now. There’s no way that’s going to happen, even though all it would take is the two of them wanting it to. Because you see kids kissing and even totally making out at North High pretty much every day, so it’s not like he’s fantasizing about walking on the moon or anything here. And it’s not even such a big deal that Darren has thought about kissing this particular girl once or twice, because (if he’s going to be totally honest about it) he’s probably thought about kissing fifty or sixty different girls at North High. Maybe even more actually. He’s pretty sure he hasn’t thought about kissing any guys, but he wouldn’t swear on it, because these kinds of thoughts just sort of pop up whether you want them to or not.

Like you’re getting a drink from the fountain outside the cafeteria, and the next thing you know, you’re wondering what it would be like to make out with Christie Banks, who isn’t even that cute in the first place, and not only because of that thing on her nose. She just happened to be waiting to get a drink, that’s all it took. This kind of stuff happens so much that if Darren is going to be really and truly 100 percent honest about it, then he’d have to admit that once or twice (okay, about fourteen times) he’s thought about kissing Ms. Gleason. Who just so happens to be his English teacher. She’s maybe his youngest teacher and has perfect skin, but still, what’s up with that?

4. His failure to convince himself that this is just about him. Because he kind of feels it in the very center of his presently quivering gut: The whole thing might also be about this particular eleventh-grade girl standing about four feet away from him and giving him a half-curious, half-annoyed look, like, Uh, can I help you? Or, more precisely, it might be about him and her most of all, as in the two of them as some kind of unit, some kind of thing. Not a couple, necessarily, but a thing of some sort. A him and a her. A them.

Because right now she is just this entirely separate person standing four feet away from him and waiting for him to stop standing there like a paralyzed idiot, but once he asks her this favor and she agrees to do it, then, even for just a little while, there’s going to be a new them. And who knows, them might only last like a half hour, but maybe for reasons beyond his control, this them will take on a life of its own. And so this them might be good, but it might be bad. It might even be very bad. Or very, very, very good. Which somehow freaks Darren out most of all.

Because Darren’s had enough lately of the grief that being in a them can cause you. And so, in order to cut his future losses, maybe he should not do what he’s actually doing right this very instant, which might bring about the creation of another them that he’s a part of:

Hey, he says. Uh. Yeah. Look, could you maybe drive me to the El so I can get downtown to Union Station and then get on this bus to go visit my brother in Ann Arbor? Because . . .

Oh well, too late.

1.

THURSDAY,

APRIL 24

6 Words His Mom Sounds Like She’s Saying as Her Voice Travels through Walls and up Stairs Until It Reaches Darren, Who Wonders Why His Mother Is on the Phone at—What the?—5:24 a.m.

1. Malah

2. Snaff

3. Thuhn

4. Bechah

5. Inham

6. Geraflab

10 Sentences or Sentence Fragments Darren Has Heard Her Say through Walls and up Stairs So Many Times over the Past Two Years That He’s Positive She’s Saying Them Right Now, Even Though It Still Kind of Sounds Like She’s Saying Stuff Like Antfurlm and Waflevah

1. Tell me why.

2. That’s all I’m asking.

3. Ugh, you’ve got to be kidding.

4. Spare me.

5. Just this once.

6. Oh, give me a break.

7. Bull. Shit.

8. Whatever, Howard.

9. Whatever.

10. You’re so full of shit.

3 Arguably More Accurate Ways Howard Could Be Described

1. Darren’s father

2. Darren’s mother’s ex-husband

3. The person who used to live in and own this house but doesn’t as of about twenty months ago. Though actually, he may still own half of the house. Darren’s not totally sure what they finally settled on, because by the time they finally settled on whatever it was they settled on, he was so sick of hearing about it (sometimes through walls and up stairs, etc.) that he just tried to ignore whatever they told him they finally settled on.

4 Emotions Darren Identifies in the Sound of His Mother’s Footsteps, Which Are Clearly Approaching

1. Anger

2. Contempt

3. Remorse

4. Sorrow

3 Names She Calls Him in Quick Succession as She Sits Down on the Edge of His Bed and Softly Pats His Shoulder to Wake Him, Even Though He’s Pretty Much Totally Awake by Now

1. Honey

2. Sweetie

3. Darren

9 Names Darren Thinks Would Be Better Names for Him Than Darren

1. Gabe

2. Max

3. Sam

4. Noah

5. Adam

6. Jordan

7. Nate, if it wasn’t taken

8. Mo, maybe

9. Jacob, if his last name wasn’t Jacobs

6 Imminent Events, According to His Mother

1. Her cab’s arrival, any minute now

2. His dad entering the house at around seven thirty

3. His dad making him breakfast and packing his lunch

4. His dad talking to Darren about something important

5. His dad taking him to school

6. Her cab’s arrival, if the thing’s on time for once

7 Reasons Darren Doesn’t Do the Obvious Thing and Ask Her to Elaborate a Bit about Item #4 from the Previous List

1. He really doesn’t want to know.

2. She might not know, which she’d be annoyed about.

3. She knows but has agreed not to say anything, which she’s already annoyed about, so why make her get more annoyed and bitch about his dad?

4. He really doesn’t feel like having a conversation with anyone right now.

5. The less he says, the faster she leaves.

6. Because maybe he can still fall asleep again.

7. And who knows, maybe this is all a dream, which it would be really good if it is; in fact, he wouldn’t be that bummed if all of the past two years have been one big dream, though that seems extremely unlikely unless Darren is having an unusually long and vivid dream that isn’t exactly a nightmare but does kind of suck about five times more than regular awake life should.

2 Additional and Unfortunate Facts Relevant to Understanding How Darren Got the Name Darren

1. It was some sort of compromise between his parents.

2. Meaning that Darren was nobody’s first choice.

2 Objects Some Faint and Unclear Light Source Reflects Off of in the Moment Before His Mother Leaves Darren’s Room

1. Her left boot, which is dark brown, leather, and fancy. She wears them a ton these days, especially on days she travels, and she travels a ton these days. She actually looks pretty good in them, especially when she tucks her expensive jeans into them. But more than anything, these boots remind Darren that his parents, around the time they got separated and later divorced, each just sort of quickly evolved into kind of different people, because she only wore fancy boots like three times throughout the first fourteen or so years of his life.

2. Her right boot.

3 Thoughts Darren Has as She Closes His Door Softly

1. In a couple of minutes I’ll be the only one in the house.

2. Which still always feels weird whenever it happens.

3. But I guess it’s just as well at this point, especially if there’s no way Nate could be here right now.

7 Arguably Optional Activities Darren’s Mom Spent the Most Time on during Each of the Previous Seven Years

1. ZUMBA

Which is some kind of extremely strange dance fitness program.

2. RESEARCHING GRADUATE PROGRAMS

Because she wanted to get a job but couldn’t get any of the ones she wanted without going back to school.

3. AGONIZING OVER WHETHER OR NOT TO ATTEND GRADUATE SCHOOL

Though it was clear that if she did, it would be in computers or marketing. Or computers and marketing. Whatever that means.

4. ACCUMULATING A GIANT LIBRARY ON WEB DESIGN AND E-COMMERCE

So she decided not to go to school at all, since she somehow decided that she could get a good job without it.

5. LAUNCHING N.D. DESIGN

As in Nate and Darren Design. It was some sort of computer marketing company she ran out of the guest room.

6. SELLING N.D. DESIGN

Apparently, some people with a lot of money really liked her company. The whole family went to the Caribbean for ten days afterward.

7. PACKING AND UNPACKING BEFORE AND AFTER TRIPS TO CALIFORNIA

Such as last night. And actually, this one has been going on for two years now.

12 Basic Bits of Information about Darren Jacobs

1. Fifteen years old

2. Five feet six and a half inches

3. 181 pounds

4. White

5. Brown curly hair

6. Brown eyes

7. November 29

8. 20/25 right eye, 20/20 left eye

9. Right-handed

10. Youngest of two boys

11. Jewish

12. Virgin

1 Fantasy That Darren First Had All of a Sudden One Night When He Couldn’t Sleep but That He Now Thinks about a Lot on Purpose, Especially When He’s Trying to Fall Asleep

1. Darren is lying down on the floor and takes a knife, or somehow there is just this knife moving through the air, and the knife pierces his skin right in the center of his forehead. It hurts, because the knife is cutting into his skin, but it doesn’t hurt as much as you’d think, more like a very big pinprick, plus it doesn’t bleed a whole lot either. Sort of like how a paper cut bleeds. And then the knife slowly starts moving straight down his forehead, cutting along the length of his nose and then over his mouth and his chin, cutting about a half inch into him. The knife is incredibly sharp, so sharp that the skin falls open without any real effort, which somehow makes it hurt a lot less, plus it turns out that right below his skin there isn’t really anything, just air really, so the knife can keep going easily, down past his neck and straight through his gigantic chest.

By the time the knife gets to just below the level of his heart, he can feel the cut-open skin starting to fall away, or fall open. Like the way the travel bag his mom uses—the one with the zipper running right down the middle—folds open. This doesn’t hurt at all; it actually feels incredibly good, like he can now breathe for the first time in two or three years, and by the time the knife is cutting down below his belly button, Darren begins to sit up. He pulls his new skinny arms out from inside his old flabby arms and then removes himself from his old self. Like the way you get out of a sleeping bag. He stands up and looks down at the skin and all that fat still connected to it. New Darren stands there and looks down at old Darren motionless on the floor.

3 Pieces of Evidence Darren Quickly Gathers After Waking Up That Prove He Wasn’t Dreaming Before

1. Someone is downstairs in the kitchen

2. Humming what sounds like The Girl from Ipanema, which would mean it’s his dad

3. Whose dark blue Morris Minor Darren can see parked in the driveway. It’s kind of a sweet car, but there’s something about the combination of it and his dad that embarrasses Darren but doesn’t exactly surprise him, which only embarrasses him more.

6 Reasons Darren’s Parents Got Divorced, If Darren Had to Guess

1. His dad got really weird and started talking differently until his mom just couldn’t take it anymore.

2. Around the time his mom sold N.D. Design and started going to California a bunch, her work definitely became the most important thing in her life.

3. His mom probably hooked up with some guys out in California, because his parents probably weren’t doing it together anymore, because that’s what Nate told him, though Darren isn’t sure if she probably hooked up with all those guys because his parents weren’t doing it anymore, or the other way around.

4. Nate went off to college, so Darren was the only kid in the house, which made it really easy for his parents to see that pretty soon there wouldn’t be any kids in the house, even though Darren was still only in ninth grade. And since he’s pretty quiet and doesn’t cause much trouble, it was already kind of easy for them to see what it would be like to have no kids in the house, and they could tell that they weren’t going to want to be married anymore once that happened, so why wait?

5. One day his mom suddenly said they should all move to California. His dad said he didn’t want to. His mom asked his dad to think about it, to please consider it. So he tried to, but in the end he said he didn’t think he could. His mom wasn’t satisfied with that response, meaning they kept talking about it on and off, for weeks and maybe even months. But not talking, actually, at least not when it got into months. It was more like arguing then. They argued about California and his dad’s work and what would be best for Darren and Nate and the whole family until Darren started wondering if the pros of being deaf might actually outweigh the cons.

6. Their cats, Chick and Dell, got old and started peeing on everything and ruined the couch in the den and most of his mom’s shoes and the rug by the entrance, until one day his mom said, I swear to God, if they piss on one more thing I’m going to put them down.

To which his dad said, You’ll do nothing of the sort.

So Darren and his dad took Chick and Dell to the vet the next day, where for about three hundred dollars the vet gave them all sorts of medications and ideas that she said should help. And she was right, because for about three months nothing happened, until one night Darren heard his mom screaming about an outfit she left on the floor of the closet that cost her a fortune, and then there was a lot more screaming, his dad yelling, You will not! and his mom yelling back, Try and stop me! and they kept arguing for what seemed like forever.

When Darren came home from school the next day, he noticed that Dell didn’t come to the front door, which he usually did when Darren got home, so Darren checked the whole house but couldn’t find him or Chick anywhere, which, even if his mom totally meant what she had said the night before was weird, because she flew to California early that morning. She was packing for her trip and that was why she found the ruined outfit, which she couldn’t have worn anyway, since even if it hadn’t been peed on would still have had to go to the cleaner.

But none of that really mattered now, because the last room Darren thought to check was his parents’ bedroom. When he opened the door he found his dad lying on the bed, awake, his face red because he was still crying a little bit. He was just lying there with a glass of wine in his hand and an empty bottle on the nightstand next to him.

Even though Darren still would have found out eventually, he suddenly wished with all his might that he had gone over to Nicky Smith’s house after school, because then at least maybe when he did get home his dad wouldn’t have been drunk and crying and saying over and over, I’m sorry, Darren, I’m so sorry, while Darren just stood there wondering how two cats, two parents, and one brother had so quickly become just one parent and him, despite the fact that he never really thought that much about the cats most of the time, though he did sort of like how Dell used to greet him at the front door whenever he came home.

1 Nickname Based on His Initials That Darren Tried Halfheartedly to Get People to Use Instead of Darren but That Even Nate Wouldn’t Call Him Because It Might Be a Very Cool Nickname, but It Doesn’t Fit Darren at All

1. DJ

7 Standard Ingredients in Darren’s Daily Wardrobe

1. Dark blue low-top Chuck Taylor All Stars (size 10½)

2. White sweat socks with either one or two blue or green or red stripes near the top

3. Blue jeans (36W, 30L)

4. No belt

5. Boxers, typically with plaid pattern but sometimes they’re just one color (38–40)

6. Gray or black XL T-shirt, usually with something on it, like the name of a place or a design, but he doesn’t really care

7. Gray zip-up hoodie

4 Features, Mostly Weird, of the Scene Waiting for Darren in the Kitchen

1. His dad is standing there, placing a glazed doughnut on a plate. Which shouldn’t be weird, since his dad has probably spent as much time as anyone in this kitchen from the time Darren was a baby up until a couple of years ago. Darren’s probably even seen his dad put this kind of doughnut on this kind of plate in this very kitchen before.

2. But it is weird, because not only does his dad not live here, he’s also kind of officially not even supposed to be in the house anymore.

3. And because it’s his dad, the weirdness doesn’t end there. This reappearing dad-who-isn’t-supposed-to-reappear-here has a different appearance than the one he had back when he was allowed to appear here. Bald head and kind of fashionable outfit: expensive and pretty tight jeans; nice button-down shirt, but not the kind you’d wear with a suit; and dark black leather shoes that never seem even a tiny bit scuffed. The shoes are to Darren’s dad like the boots are to his mom. And maybe the jeans and shirt are like her new hairdo and shiny lip gloss.

4. The feeling in Darren’s stomach. In other words, the whole scene isn’t exactly doing wonders for Darren’s appetite. But still, this is a chocolate glazed doughnut we’re talking about.

6 Unexpected and Fairly Odd Speeches Darren’s Dad Has Delivered to Darren (or Just Said in His Presence) Since His Parents Got Divorced, Which Darren Is Thinking about Because He’s Got This Feeling That #7 Is on Its Way

1. You would think people ought to give compassion more attention when they’re discussing virtues. We hear so much about courage and honor and determination, but we have too much of those, if you ask me. Sometimes you’d think compassion belongs on the endangered species list.

2. I shaved it, Darren, because I had struggled for years with balding. But now I’ve taken ownership of the situation. My hair seemed intent on falling out, so I thought I’d save it the trouble.

3. If you are ever interested in smoking marijuana—pot, dope, weed, whatever you young people call it these days—you should feel free to do it here. If you’d like, you and a couple friends could smoke here one weekend. I’d strongly prefer that your first time be in a safe environment. I could even leave the house for a few hours if that’s what you want. If you’re interested.

4. It is a rotten world in many ways. In too many ways. But the world isn’t only rotten, even if it’s actively rotting right this very instant. Yes, I am quite certain there are still some perfectly good spots, some terrific people, some things utterly unrotted. They’re out there, I know it.

5. Your mother is doing her best, Darren, I’m sure of it. As am I. Oh, you know what I mean. We all are. Even if, well, even if our best has been so mediocre lately.

6. I love you, Darren. I love you more than you can possibly know. I love you for being exactly who you are. And I will always love you, no matter what. You are a much more wonderful person than I think you realize, and I am confident that in time you will be endlessly grateful to be Darren Jacobs and no one else.

5 Contributions Darren’s Dad Makes to This Morning’s Conversation Before Darren Makes Any Himself

1. Good morning, Captain America.

2. Wait, don’t move. My God, I swear you grew since Sunday.

3. Fresh-squeezed OJ?

4. Isn’t it delicious? It was still warm when I picked it up from Bennison’s.

5. Oh, forty percent chance of light rain this afternoon. FYI.

2 Features of Tomorrow, Also Known as Friday, That Have Helped Darren Make It through a Kind of Lame Week, Which, Despite This Most Perfect Doughnut, Is Probably About to Get Lamer Yet

1. Driving to Ann Arbor (even if it will be with his dad)

2. Visiting Nate at U of M

12 Best Things about College, According to Nate

1. Girls.

2. Sleeping in every day of the week except Tuesday and Thursday, when he has Econ at nine thirty, which he actually has already missed a few times, because you get pretty used to sleeping in until noon, plus you can just watch all the lectures online anyway.

3. No parents, and definitely no divorced parents.

4. His roommate, Kyle, whose parents are totally loaded, so he and Nate have a giant plasma-screen TV and a sweet stereo.

5. Beer.

6. Parties, some of them anyway. Most of them. Actually, just about all of them.

7. Football games, even though U of M isn’t as good as they used to be.

8. Going to the supermarket late at night and buying peanut butter crackers and then just walking around campus eating them and drinking Dr Pepper and checking everything out.

9. This Intro to Film Studies class, where they talk about The Godfather and Taxi Driver and cool shit like that.

10. Having around six bowls of Cap’n Crunch for breakfast every morning, or at least on those mornings you wake up in time to have breakfast.

11. No one gives a shit if you’re cool or popular.

12.     Girls, because they deserve to be mentioned twice. Trust me.

4 Physical Distances Separating Darren and His Dad during the Three Minutes Immediately Before, during, and After the Moment in Which Darren Finally Learns Why His Dad Is Here This Morning

1. ELEVEN FEET

About three bites into his doughnut Darren can tell something very weird is up with his dad, who has been so weird so often since his parents split up that his dad must be acting extremely weird right now for Darren to even notice. The obvious thing for his dad to do would be to sit down at the table with Darren, but instead he’s just standing there in the middle of the kitchen, kind of frozen. Plus he hasn’t said a word since his pointless comment about the weather.

He’s got this expression on his face, Darren’s dad does, that is maybe him realizing how weird it is for him to be in this particular kitchen at this particular moment, only there’s some little glint in his eyes that might mean his dad thinks it’s good weird and not bad weird. Who the hell knows anymore. His dad’s silence suddenly seems like the silence of a monk who has taken an oath of silence, like his dad isn’t even close to talking. Plus he keeps raising his fist to his mouth and softly tapping it against his lips. But he’s not avoiding Darren; in fact, right now he’s looking straight at him and actually smiling, too.

2. ONE YARD

When Darren is about three-quarters of the way through the doughnut, which he has to admit is crazily delicious, his dad comes over and sits down across from Darren at the table.

He suddenly speaks. Darren.

But then doesn’t say anything else.

So Darren, still chewing, finally speaks his first word of the day. Yeah? He tries to keep his mouth mostly closed when he says it.

There’s something I need to tell you, his dad says, something I’ve been wanting to tell you for many months, for nearly a year, in fact. Darren tries to listen and tries to keep chewing, but the doughnut and OJ now feel like paste in his mouth. Darren, his dad says, this may not be easy for you to hear. But it is something I absolutely must tell you.

Darren forces himself to swallow the newly disgusting chocolatey-orangey lump of paste and for a moment almost convinces himself that because he recently has had a lot of practice at hearing things that aren’t easy to hear that maybe this one won’t be so hard, whatever it is. Still, he wishes there had been some way for him to have known to get out of bed and go downstairs at 5:24, so he could have taken the phone out of his mom’s hand and told his dad, without too obviously taking sides with his mom or anything, that this morning