Love Across Latitudes: A Workbook on Cross-cultural Marriage

TEXT, STORIES AND QUESTIONS FOR CONSIDERATION

for those who choose a life partner coming

from a culture or social grouping other than their own.

Designed to help you describe yourself,

and to broaden your understanding

about how individuals from differing backgrounds approach life,

this book will assist in answering the questions,

Is this person right for me?

in the knowledge of a wise choice in the will of God and, later perhaps,

How can we enrich our marriage?

Dedicated to

my husband Keith,

Caroline, Andrew and Katie.

Published by Gilead Books Publishing at Smashwords

Copyright © Janet Fraser-Smith 6th Edition 2015

All rights reserved.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publisher.

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

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Scripture taken from the New King James Version®. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Quotes reprinted from Pastoral Counselling Across The Ciltures by David W. Augsberger ©1986 by David W. Augsberger are reprinted by permission of Westminster/John Knox Press

CONTENTS

PREFACE

A BRIEF AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH

ABOUT THIS BOOK

ASSUMPTIONS BEHIND THE WORKBOOK

THE WORKBOOK APPROACH

SUGGESTIONS FOR USE

FINAL NOTES

IN CONCLUSION

Chapter 1: THE CROSS-CULTURAL MARRIAGE

LOVING ACROSS LATITUDES

CONCLUSION

PART ONE: GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER

Chapter 2: SHARING ABOUT OURSELVES

WHY THE ATTRACTION?

I LOVE YOU

THE LIFE-LINE

CORE OF CENTRAL BELIEFS

CONCLUSION

STORIES FOR DISCUSSION

QUESTIONS FOR CONSIDERATION

Chapter 3: FAMILY - YOURS, MINE, OURS

WHAT IS A FAMILY?

THE EFFECT OF FAMILY BACKGROUND

ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT AND IDEALS OF MARRIAGE AND FAMILY LIFE

RELATIONSHIPS WITH IN-LAWS AND RELATIVES

CONCLUSION

STORY FOR DISCUSSION

QUESTIONS FOR CONSIDERATION

Chapter 4: THE CONTEXT OF CULTURE

INITIAL REFLECTIONS

WHAT IS CULTURE ANYWAY?

EAST/WEST MARRIAGES

CONCLUSION

STORIES FOR DISCUSSION

QUESTIONS FOR CONSIDERATION

Chapter 5: INFLUENCES of CULTURE IN SOCIETY and MARRIAGE

THE EFFECT OF HISTORY ON CULTURE

EXPLORING EACH OTHER'S CULTURE: Five key areas to consider

CONCLUSION

STORIES FOR DISCUSSION

QUESTIONS FOR CONSIDERATION

PART TWO: GROWING TOGETHER

Chapter 6: JUST THE TWO OF US

THE INNER AREA - the third culture zone

MAKING EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION EASIER

SOME EFFECTS OF A DEVELOPING SENSITIVITY TO BOTH CULTURES

CONCLUSION

STORIES FOR DISCUSSION

QUESTIONS FOR CONSIDERATION

Chapter 7: IMPROVING EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

CONVERSATIONAL SKILLS

LISTENING - THE FLIP SIDE OF TALKING

CONCLUSION

STORIES FOR DISCUSSION

QUESTIONS FOR CONSIDERATION

Chapter 8: CHOICES - Choosing Stability

SUCCESS IN MARRIAGE

THE CHOICE OF A PARTNER

A STABILISING CHOICE

GENERAL CONSIDERATIONS FOR MOST CULTURAL DECISIONS

LEGAL MATTERS

CONCLUSION

STORIES FOR DISCUSSION

QUESTIONS FOR CONSIDERATION

Chapter 9: CHOICES- SOME OPTIONS

CHOICES THAT REQUIRE CULTURAL INPUT

THE CHOICE OF LANGUAGE

CONCLUDING COMMENTS

QUESTIONS FOR CONSIDERATION

THE DECISION OF WHERE TO LIVE

CONCLUDING COMMENTS

QUESTIONS FOR CONSIDERATION

THE CHOICE OF ACCOMMODATION AND LIFE STYLE

CONCLUDING COMMENTS

QUESTIONS FOR CONSIDERATION

CHOICES RELATED TO CHILDREN

CONCLUDING COMMENTS

QUESTIONS FOR CONSIDERATION

CHOICES RELATED TO FINANCIAL ASPECTS

CONCLUDING COMMENTS

QUESTIONS FOR CONSIDERATION

Chapter 10: TWO PASTS - ONE FUTURE - Conflict Resolution 1

INITIAL CONSIDERATIONS

SOURCES OF CONFLICT

PERIODS OF EXTRA STRAIN ON THE FAMILY

CONCLUSION

STORY FOR DISCUSSION

QUESTIONS FOR CONSIDERATION

Chapter 11: CREATIVE COMPROMISE - Conflict Resolution 2

HELPING EACH OTHER -TOGETHER WE CAN

HELPING ONESELF - IT'S UP TO ME

OUTSIDE HELP FOR CONFLICTS OUT OF CONTROL

CHRISTIAN PERSPECTIVES ON INTER-CULTURAL CONFLICTS

CONCLUSION

STORIES FOR DISCUSSION

QUESTIONS FOR CONSIDERATION

PART THREE: CHRISTIAN CONSIDERATIONS

Chapter 12: MISSION and MARRIAGE

HISTORICAL REFLECTIONS

QUESTIONS OF GUIDANCE

THE MISSION LIFESTYLE

MISSION RELATIONSHIPS

IMPLICATIONS FOR MISSION ORGANISATIONS

LONG TERM VISION FOR THE MINISTRY OF INTER-CULTURAL COUPLES

CONCLUSION

STORIES FOR DISCUSSION

QUESTIONS FOR CONSIDERATION

Chapter 13: PLUS FACTORS

THE PLUS OF CONSPICUOUS DIFFERENCES

THE PLUS FACTOR OF COMMON CONCERNS

THE PLUS OF SCRIPTURAL INSIGHTS

CONCLUSION

EPILOGUE - CULTURAL COUNTERPOINT

APPENDIX: A CHECK LIST FOR THOSE WHO HAVE CHOSEN TO LOVE ACROSS LATITUDES

ANNOTATED BIBLIOGRAPHY

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

PREFACE

Why draw attention to the cross-culturalness of a marriage? If two people are in love, and are absolutely convinced that God is leading them together, nothing should stand in their way. What is different about these marriages anyway?

There are many marriage books on the market and many personality tests available to indicate whether success is likely in marriage: surely these are enough! Because it is not the easiest of paths, however, the choice to marry cross-culturally must be a conscious one. The questions addressed to each other of Who am I? and Who are you? will require answers of a different and deeper nature, and the couple will need to explore behind the wealth of experience not shared by the other one.

Much of the thinking for this book has developed with the help of a survey conducted in 1991 among several missions under the auspices of the Evangelical Alliance for the EUROCOMET ‘92 conference held in Holland. The situations illustrating the text have been collected over several years and are drawn from the questionnaire results, and from conversations, radio interviews, and books. Though they are essentially true, names, situations and locations have been changed to preserve confidentiality. Though more anecdotal than fully researched, the illustrations should raise important questions in our minds.

My prayer is that this workbook will encourage an awareness of the potential richness of a cross-cultural marriage, of the challenges of listening, understanding and loving and of the immensity of the decision in choosing such a relationship. Such marriages are pictures of the Incarnation! I hope that it will be useful to those contemplating a cross-cultural marriage, to couples already married and to those who are involved in counselling such couples, whether alone or in groups.

Janet Fraser-Smith, July 1993

It has been a great encouragement to me that this workbook has been used during the last 20 years by several thousand cross-cultural couples around the world. They have used it at various stages in their relationship, during courtship and as a source of enrichment much later in their marriages. Without the faithful distribution of the book by my colleagues in AWM UK until 2013 such blessing would not have been possible. IEC Books, Helsinki made a valuable contribution to this reprint. I am deeply indebted to Gilead Books for seeing this reprint through to its publishing. I trust that the marriages of many more couples will be well established through the use of this book.

Janet Fraser-Smith, March 2015

Any comments the readers/users would like to make will be very gratefully received by Janet Fraser-Smith. Please email: [email protected]

A BRIEF AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH

(by way of an explanation of why this is being written)

When I was ten years old, my family emigrated from England to Canada. I finished my primary and secondary education and primary school teaching training in Canada and later took a BS in General Biology in the United States. I then worked for two years as a secondary school science teacher in Canada to pay back my student loans.

Five years later, while I was working for an organisation that worked amongst Christian youth in England, I met Keith. By this time I had adjusted to life in England and had taken on some of the British reserve, familiar to me from our family life. During the summer after our wedding we took our first trip to Canada, the country I considered my home. Naturally I became very outgoing and enthusiastic again. It was exciting to see everyone again. He, being at the time a conservative Englishman, found the change quite difficult. He said he had married two wives and he didn’t like one of them! No doubt it was said in jest, but I took it seriously. The food was too rich for him as well, even to the point of his being ill on our wedding anniversary! I decided that the Canadian part of my life would have to be submerged.

Three years later we found ourselves in Egypt, where two of our children were born. Through the children, I made friends with a number of expatriates who were married to Egyptians. Four years later we moved to Jordan where I met wives married to Jordanians, but, as in Egypt, I rarely met their husbands. In the course of conversation I began to get the sense that many of the girls found themselves in situations that they had not sufficiently anticipated though they were not without support. Some were encouraged to make visits back to their home countries and families. These visits were intended to satisfy the need to see their own families, but they often served to intensify the feeling of being cut off from their roots. Other young wives were helped in their adjustments by an expatriate lady whose own experiences of adjustment had not been easy and took it upon herself to explain their new culture and its ways to them. These couples were of various faiths or none. Four years later, we moved again, this time to the south of France. Many of my colleagues had married outside their culture and I began to observe similarities with the cross-cultural marriages I had come to appreciate earlier. Faith, though vital, was not everything. I felt that I had to try to understand better the inner workings of our cross-cultural marriages.

In an effort to tie together the things Keith and I had experienced in our marriage with the experiences in all three locations, I started putting a few questions together that might raise some of the issues that cross-cultural couples encounter in their marriages. Colleagues and friends were most helpful in correcting those questions and sharing their own joys and struggles. On our return to Britain in 1990, it was decided that the simple questionnaire format should be enlarged to include background for some of the questions. Further input in the form of questionnaires completed largely by missionary personnel has been incorporated into the book, but clearly most of the material has wider application.

I would like to thank all who have been so helpful to me in commenting on the various editions and making so many helpful suggestions, Mary Parish who encouraged it through to completion, editing and correcting the final drafts, and especially my husband, Keith, who with the family have shown great patience through the various stages to the production of this book.

ABOUT THIS BOOK

LOVE ACROSS LATITUDES is a workbook and as such it will require some degree of commitment: it is not intended to be an easy read. It is not essential to answer every question, discuss every quote or think about every story. Indeed, it can be dipped into once its purpose is clearly understood. It is hoped that each couple who uses it will find something to help them where they need it and offer some direction where they might be lost. A cross-cultural marriage requires a way of thinking that starts with two and ends with one—unique to the couple.

In Part One - GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER - the book underlines that successful cross-cultural marriage is based on a reasonable knowledge and enjoyment of each other’s personality (see Chapter 2), family (see Chapter 3) and culture (see Chapters 4,5) and as well as deep agreement on spiritual issues (alluded to in all of the chapters).

In Part Two - GROWING TOGETHER - it goes on to say that the couple will be able to improve their relationship after marriage if they continue to get to know each other (see Chapter 6), and if they are able to communicate (see Chapter 7), not only on issues surrounding the everyday decisions they will inevitably have to make (see Chapters 8, 9), but also in the resolution of conflict (see Chapters 10, 11).

Because this book grew out of research conducted among committed Christian cross-cultural couples, most of whom have a western partner, a whole chapter in Part Three - CHRISTIAN CONSIDERATIONS is directed to the particular situation of the overseas missionary (see Chapter 12). It is the belief of the writer that the Christian faith offers in its understanding of love and forgiveness and of the worldwide community of the Church much to the couple who though from different backgrounds share a common faith in Christ (see Chapter 13). There is some repetition but this is natural when discussing the multi-faceted jewel of marriage.

ASSUMPTIONS BEHIND THE WORKBOOK

LOVE ACROSS LATITUDES assumes that a solid marriage is important for the couple and their children, for their families and for the fabric of society. That their marriage should last is even more important for the Christian couple because they are a visible example of the relationship of Christ and the church. The book assumes that taking time and effort to make the right decision is normative and that caring for the relationship after marriage is worthwhile.

LOVE ACROSS LATITUDES assumes that agreement on the expression of both cultural heritages is essential from the beginning of the marriage if the marriage is to last and to fulfil both partners. It does not assume equality between a man and his wife. In few cultures, if any, is strict equality the case, but it does assume that a balance of sorts is essential and will need to be agreed upon.

Marriage must not be undertaken carelessly, lightly or selfishly, but reverently, responsibly and after serious thought. The Church of England Alternative Service Book Marriage Service

THE WORKBOOK APPROACH

LOVE ACROSS LATITUDES has been written for a group of people who by definition come from a wide variety of backgrounds. Most who use it will have a reasonable command of English but that knowledge will vary. (Readers who are not comfortable in English might opt for the stories or use a dictionary when necessary.) What is important to one is not to another.

Individuals and couples think and approach life differently. Some prefer to analyse and look for a rational answer while others think in a descriptive way and try to see all sides of an issue. In order to accommodate these differences of thought, there are three aspects to each chapter - text, stories and questions - and each contributes to the whole yet to a degree each can be used independently.

The text aims to raise the issues and give some explanations.

The open-ended stories that illustrate the text as well as those at the end of the chapters may be suited to those who are more accustomed to the importance of relationships and oral traditions. The stories will also enlarge awareness of how life is seen to inter-relate in other parts of the world or society.

The questions are intended to encourage the couple to look seriously at themselves, each other and both cultural heritages. Some of the lists are long and it is therefore necessary to emphasise that full and complete answers are not required, indeed in some cases are not even possible early in the relationship. Each question raises different issues and it is talking around the issues that are important rather than offering a simple answer to the question per se.

This question-answer approach may involve looking seriously at oneself in a way that everyone whose education has involved a critical approach will be accustomed. A person who is self-confident will find answering questions of a personal nature easier than for those whose image of themselves is reflected by the group. The latter think in a holistic way, have been taught to respect others’ ideas and give replies that will not offend or lower another’s impression of them. Some couples may wish to answer each question in an organised fashion. Others may prefer to be more selective. Neither partner should pressurise the other to pursue a question. It might be helpful to pose the questions of a more general cultural nature to any third person who has knowledge of the culture.

Since there is too much to consider even within one chapter at any one time, plan to do other things together between discussions. A freedom to ask each other further questions with sensitivity and to relate other stories is strongly encouraged.

Whatever your cultural and character differences, perhaps the discipline of discovery through these approaches may give direction to your thoughts in conversations or letters.

It was good to go into the relationship with our eyes open, but not so wide as to be scared. French girl of her marriage to an American.

SUGGESTIONS FOR USE

The workbook is intended to provide the readers with material for conversations and reflection. Usually conversations together as a couple will follow quite naturally from individual study and some couples may wish to seek the wisdom of others. The couple will gain the most from this book if they augment what they learn from the above approaches with the reading of books or translations from each other’s literature, talking with other compatriots or even watching films or videos as these will help to fill out the understanding of each other’s culture.

1. Individual use:

Read through the chapter alone including the questions before starting to answer. Note the points that appeal to you, and the questions you would rather not answer. Jot down any aspects that come to mind as areas that you already sense are important to you. Some questions will take a lot of time to answer and some of the stories will require reflection - be prepared to come back to them. There will inevitably be some overlap from one chapter to another. However, valuable insights will be gained by considering each chapter separately. The first three chapters in particular will help you to see areas in which God has already worked in your own life, and where you may need His help in the future.

2. Discussion together as a couple:

Time together looking at each other’s findings will broaden both of your perspectives. Sharing your reflections will be easier and more meaningful if you have both spent time alone but it will still be beneficial for one partner to share tactfully his or her findings. Make a note of areas in which you do not share the same interests or values. Ask yourselves whether any of these areas of difference or preference really matter to you.

3. Discussion with others who have cross-cultural experience:

The emotional nature of the subject may mean that certain areas that pose potential misunderstanding may otherwise be skirted over or even avoided altogether. If at all possible, discuss these subjects with others who know both cultures well as their insights will be helpful.

My fiancée and I spent hours in correspondence, sharing and working through many very important issues. Now that we are married, we are glad we knew each other and our families so well.

FINAL NOTES

There are a few common stumbling blocks to effective communication that the cross-cultural couple will encounter. One of these is the belief that one’s own culture is inherently better than another - ethnocentrism to use the correct term.

Then, too, the actual process of communication may be slowed down if one or maybe both partners lacks facility and fluency in the language chosen for communication. What each hears and what each says will have been interpreted and evaluated on different criteria. Nor will the communication be easy if the manner in which each speaks is wrongly interpreted. Sometimes what is said may only allude to subtle cultural issues. Other statements are more straightforward, at least on the surface. It is essential that both parties try to get behind what they are hearing.

Another block concerns expectations about the content of each other’s answers. It might be helpful to acknowledge that giving a reply in any way indicative of the truth may take time, perhaps a very long time. Expect to misunderstand some of each other’s comments. The Japanese, for example, suppress their individuality for the sake of the group. The nail that sticks its head up gets banged down. So the idea of expressing personal feelings for one’s own sake is as hard for those from Japanese culture as it is for the westerner to understand truth in community terms. But the cross-cultural couple must try.

Consider also that it takes much insight to recognise when cultural issues are not clear. To begin to be able to formulate your questions in terms that can be understood is a good start. Pretending you understand when you are not sure if you do is one of the greatest enemies of true conversation.

Finally, disagreement, sometimes profound, may seem to prevent further discussion. So may a sense of the inevitable loss that comes with compromise or the re-awakening of past pain. The latter needs to be faced but perhaps not only by one’s partner. Kindness and gentleness in approach, interest in what each has to say and consideration of each other will allow the time that is necessary. No two people, whether from the same culture or not, agree on everything!

PLEASE NOTE, that for some couples certain questions may raise problems and feelings or experiences that might have, in the past, been painful or that point to areas of deep disagreement between the couple. Should this be the case and you find yourselves getting irate or depressed, it would be wise to stop the discussion temporarily and do enjoyable things together that draw attention to all the positive things you share.

For the courting couple, if the total number of areas of conflict is too numerous, the result should be taken as a warning that a permanent relationship will be at risk without a lot of good will and willingness to change on both sides. Perhaps this couple should think very seriously whether a life together is viable.

A wedding invitation has been received from a girl to whom had been given the original questionnaire, some 40 pages long. She wrote that she and her boyfriend of the time had broken up. Some of the issues raised in the questionnaire made her realise that they had much to sort out before they could ever marry. The wedding invitation was to their marriage! The time apart had enabled them in all good faith to give themselves to each other. Hard but worth it!

The married couple should choose to do those things that emphasise the initial reasons for their love for each other: take a walk together, go on holiday, read a book out loud, offer a favourite meal or a flower, play with the children or whatever you know will demonstrate your love, while not forgetting the essential glue of the relationship – sexual fulfilment. Then return, despite the pain, to the difficult issue until a solution or understanding has been found. As a matter of course, the Christian couple will seek to pray around and through their difficulties. If apparently irresolvable problems arise, the couple is strongly urged to seek the help of a counsellor.

Quality love, forgiveness and a willingness to make sacrifices will provide a fertile atmosphere for the discussions. The supreme example of these qualities is the incarnate Christ Himself.

IN CONCLUSION

The relating of the past in the present will give light for the future. It is hoped that the information gained through this workbook will make a positive contribution to the decision whether to marry or not and to the improvement of