Becoming the Dad Your Daughter Needs

Introduction

Fathers have incredible influence (positive or negative) on nearly every aspect of their daughter’s life. A father sets a huge role model for his daughter regarding the qualities she looks for in a man and the standards she maintains in her relationships. He is the first man in her life and models how a man should treat a woman, how a man should act, and how a man shows healthy love and affection to a woman. He also sets the standard for how a daughter feels she deserves to be treated by men. He even determines how a girl feels about herself. If a father shows his daughter love, respect, and appreciation for who she is, she will believe that about herself as a woman, no matter what anyone else thinks. Girls deprived of this father love and affection make poor choices in an effort to fill that void.

One of the challenges about writing parenting books, at least for me, is I never really feel adequate to the task. Not having sterling role models while growing up, I never felt all that competent as a father or a parent. But both our children are young adults now, for the most part living on their own. While they have not chosen to necessarily be the people I envisioned them to be, I have to confess that they turned out to be pretty good people. They both have good morals, a good work ethic, and a strong value system (albeit slightly different from their parents’).

Consequently, I did not enter into writing this book lightly. I admit, despite numerous requests from readers of my other books, I have been a bit reluctant and even apprehensive about writing a book for dads and daughters. My publisher suggested I write one several years ago, but I declined because frankly I didn’t know if I was up to the task—especially while I was in the midst of raising a slightly rebellious teenage daughter. I guess I wanted to see how she turned out before I passed myself off as some sort of expert on the subject. Now, after guiding a very strong-willed daughter through the dangerous wilderness of adolescence into young adulthood, I feel a bit more competent to proceed. Understand, however, that raising daughters is as complicated as they are. Probably like most of you fathers out there, having been a boy and a son, I felt much more comfortable raising sons than I did daughters.

Frankly, boys have a much easier lot in life than girls. Girls are biologically much more complicated than boys. Indeed, females are more psychologically and physiologically complicated than their male counterparts as well. Females are much more holistic in the way they see and process the world around them. And females tend to be more emotionally driven than males, causing a plethora of challenges that males generally do not face.

In many ways I think raising daughters is much more complicated and difficult than raising sons. Certainly there are exceptions, but generally most people I speak to believe that girls present greater challenges than boys, possibly because the stakes are higher (or at least seem to be). Females appear to suffer most from poor decisions that are made by either sex. Women and girls suffer the consequences of poor decision making in nearly every circumstance. For instance, the vast majority of single parents are females, often raising their children without any support from the male sperm donor. Clearly a male was involved in the actions that contributed to producing a child, yet he does not suffer the consequences of his choices to nearly the degree that the female does.

What is it about a father-daughter relationship that is so powerful yet so frightening to a man? The entire time my daughter was growing up, I loved her like crazy—still do. I would have gladly thrown myself in front of a raging grizzly bear for her. But she scared the living daylights out of me, especially after she became a teenager. Her potential for self-destruction was in direct proportion to her inability to control herself. During adolescence she seemed unable or at least unwilling to view life from any kind of logical perspective. Her actions and decisions rarely made sense to me and often frustrated me beyond endurance. (Note: Throughout this book I share candidly about the ups and downs of our relationship. I do so with her full permission and knowledge.)

After numerous challenges over the years, my daughter appears to have settled down into adulthood as a competent, confident, and responsible young woman. We have what I think is a very good relationship. We see each other frequently, talk about issues in her life, and have genuine affection and love toward one another. We even speak together at a variety of father-daughter events around the country.

I am going to admit right up front that I believe in the old-fashioned notion that a dad should protect his daughter. Our ministry works on a daily basis with too many women, both young and old, who carry the deep wounds from a father who either abandoned them, did not protect them from other males, or did not protect them from life’s other cruel intentions. A father should be involved in his daughter’s life and the decisions she makes as she approaches adulthood.

Many components of our society would tell you that is a chauvinistic and overbearingly paternalistic way of thinking. They would say that our young women are more liberated and free to disregard this kind of paternal and parental interference—that they are adults and have the right to make their own choices in life. But I say, Not true. The bane of young women today is that too many fathers have backed away into the shadows and have been shamed into being uninvolved in their daughters’ lives. This has been destructive to young women on many levels.

A daughter is a gift from God and needs to be treasured, nurtured, and even protected by a father until another man comes along who is qualified to take over that role or until she is mature enough to take over that role herself. That’s not to say that women are not equal in every and any way with males; it is merely to say that the powerful influence of a father’s love and guidance can make the difference between living a healthy, fulfilling life versus one that is full of hopelessness and despair. Some might argue that women today do not need a man’s protection and provision. That may be true, but I would argue just as strongly that daughters do need a father’s protection until they reach a stage of maturity when they can fend for themselves.

This book will help fathers understand their daughters on a deep level. It will help them develop the close relationship with their daughters that they each need and crave. Finally, it will help a man understand what his daughter needs from him as a father. I’ve tried to do this with plainspoken common sense, wisdom, and humor. I’ve also included some touching stories that will resonate with every father. Many women contributed their stories and experiences to help me explain to you how important a father is to a daughter. Please don’t take their input lightly. If you get a chance, read this book with your daughter. I think both men and women will appreciate what they will learn about themselves and their fathers in this book.

1

What Are Little Girls Made Of?

It’s your turn to try to quiet the baby. . . . Gently lift the baby to your shoulders. If you’re holding baby correctly there should now be vomit on your shoulder. If there is poop on your shoulder, you are holding the baby upside down.

—Dave Barry, advice to new fathers

There’s an old nursery rhyme that talks about little girls being made of sugar and spice and everything nice. Our firstborn, Frank, was a very compliant, easy-to-raise child. Like many families, our second child, Kelsey, was just the opposite. Some might say she was made of vinegar and vodka and all sorts of drama. It’s a common joke around our home that if Kelsey had been born first, Frank might never have been conceived. We would have been scared of having other children. Kelsey is what we call in polite company a strong-willed child. She has always had her own mind and her own way of doing things. She frequently did things she knew she shouldn’t, despite the consequences involved. In fact, consequences of any kind didn’t seem to make a difference once she decided she wanted to do something.

Because of her temperament, Kelsey was a high-maintenance child and took a lot of our attention and resources. For instance, when she was about six years old, she pushed a babysitter down the stairs, and she treed another sitter, who wouldn’t come down until we got home. At age two she managed to escape from her crib during naptime, climb up on the stove, and turn all the burners on high. My wife found her sitting and screaming in the middle of the stove between four red-hot burners, her puffy acrylic dress inches from going up in flames.

Once while my wife and I were away, Kelsey stole my wife’s brand-new sports car and went for a joyride—at age fifteen! Luckily, sibling rivalry was stronger than loyalty, and our son ratted her out with a quick phone call—prompting us to leave for home early. Another time she loaded up our minivan with her posse and was involved in an auto accident in a seriously bad part of town. Still another time she was chased down by a baseball-bat-wielding lunatic who smashed out the windshield of our car. Again at age fifteen, she snuck out at 2:30 in the morning once and walked across town to a friend’s house—she was gone when we woke up in the morning! I think you get the picture.

One day during Kelsey’s tempestuous teenage years, I was talking with a friend. Roger had raised three daughters, and all had been good girls who never caused a lick of trouble. They all seemed perfect. Frankly, I was envious of his daughters and not a little concerned about the apparent lack of my own fathering abilities. When I told him about my envy, Roger said something that surprised me. He said, "I know I have been blessed with good girls. I think God gave me good daughters because he knew I couldn’t handle ones who acted out." Perhaps he was only being gracious and was really just a better father than I was, but I like to think perhaps there was some truth in what he said.

Sometimes fathers struggle with feeling inadequate to the task of raising their children. But God chose you to be the father of your daughter despite whatever challenges you think you might have. You are the perfect man to raise your daughter. She has your genes in her DNA and your blood coursing through her veins. Frankly, God chose you to be your daughter’s father despite your inadequacies.

Since information is power, the fact you are reading this book is a good sign that you are a better-than-average father. Be encouraged by the truth that most men feel inadequate at some point during their fatherhood journey. One way to make our job as fathers easier is to understand how and why our girls are the way they are. To do that, let’s first look at how they are created. Then we will look at some of the biological differences that make females and males unique. While I doubt many fathers are comfortable thinking about their daughters’ reproductive systems or their hormonal stages, I think it is important to set a foundation to build an information base upon. With that in mind, let’s look at how she is created and what to expect as she progresses toward womanhood.

Biological and Psychological Makeup

During sexual intercourse, several hundred million sperm are released by the male into the vagina. Sperm travel through the cervix and into the fallopian tubes. If conception takes place, the sperm penetrates an egg and creates a single set of forty-six chromosomes called a zygote, which is the basis for a new human being. The fertilized egg then spends a couple days traveling through the fallopian tube toward the uterus, dividing into cells.[1] It then attaches itself to the lining of the uterus and begins the gestation process.

By eight weeks most of the baby’s features are visible. During the first few weeks it is neither male nor female. However, a small group of cells, called the indifferent gonads—which are capable of becoming ovaries or testicles—begin to form. At the same time, other internal features of both sexes develop: the Müllerian ducts (female) and the Wolffian ducts (male). In a female embryo, from about the sixth week, the Wolffian ducts degenerate and the Müllerian ducts develop toward the fallopian tubes, uterus, and vagina. Meanwhile, by the twelfth week, the indifferent gonads begin to develop into ovaries.[2]

Shortly after birth, subtle behavioral differences between boy and girl babies begin to appear. These differences are likely caused by a combination of natural (biological) and nurture (socialization) factors. In general,

boys tend to be more active, while girls are more verbal. A Canadian study shows that boys tend to be more aggressive on the outside, while girls practice mental and emotional aggression instead.

Girls and women also tend to be more empathetic, more ready to share their emotions, and they have a better awareness about their environment. The differences in empathy grow with age as girls develop stronger communication skills and develop stronger intimate friendships that often last for years. . . .

Females score higher in skills related to speaking, reading, writing, and spelling, while boys have a better spatial imagination. In studies, boys were able to mentally rotate objects better than 80% of the girls.[3]

Not surprisingly, because of this aptitude, more boys than girls tend to be attracted to subjects like engineering and architecture.[4]

Until about the age of eight, girls are not significantly different in their physiological makeup than boys. That all changes with the onset of puberty, which is discussed in detail below. One area, though, that we should be aware of is how our perception of our daughters changes once they enter puberty.

By puberty, many parents (with the encouragement of our culture) think that teenagers are just young adults, capable of making informed and intelligent decisions on their own. While late adolescence is a time to help them develop these skills, the truth is that the decision-making part of the brain—the prefrontal cortex—is not fully developed until about the midtwenties. The prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain responsible for reasoning, critical thinking skills, impulse control, and sound judgment. So when we send our young people off to college at age eighteen and expect them to make good decisions, we may have unrealistic expectations. Truthfully, even if they want to make good choices, they may not have the capability. That doesn’t excuse them for making bad choices; it only provides a possible explanation.

Additionally, teens are developing critical thinking skills and understanding concepts they previously did not comprehend. They grow cognitively with the ability to grasp abstract thoughts, think into the future, and develop moral reasoning. Both my son and daughter went through legalistic, argumentative stages while they were developing their abstract intelligence. Sometimes—no, most of the time—it drove me crazy!

Puberty

Adolescence (beginning with puberty) may be the most challenging time in a girl’s life. She experiences a roller coaster of physical and emotional changes, and she begins placing a high importance on being accepted by others and achieving society’s illusive standard of beauty.

From the moment she is born, your little baby girl is striving toward adulthood. Your little girl will become a woman, and it will seem like it happened sooner than you expected when it becomes a reality. Even as you read this book, her body is creeping (and sometimes rushing) toward that goal. One day her body will explode into womanhood, and you will be faced with challenges you never thought possible. If you’re like most fathers, this change will catch you off guard. It will be confusing, frustrating, and even a little frightening.

Puberty often starts at about age nine in girls. Puberty marks the beginning of adolescence and is a time when hormones increase and cause changes to her body. Her breasts develop and her hips widen. She gains height and weight, develops pubic hair, and starts menstruating (having her period). Her female reproductive organs mature and her body becomes ready for reproduction. As her reproductive organs mature, she can now become pregnant. The pituitary gland controls all of these changes, causing the ovaries to produce the female sex hormones that launch her into womanhood.[5] As her body develops, she may look like a full-grown woman, but inside she is likely still a little girl.

These changes can cause unexpected consequences. Kelsey was always a gifted athlete growing up. She played soccer and basketball from age five up through high school. I’m convinced she could have gotten college scholarships in either sport, but she chose not to go that route. One of her advantages was she was always faster than her competitors. I remember a soccer game in about eighth grade. I was commenting to another father how much faster she used to be when she was younger. I couldn’t figure out why she couldn’t run as fast as she used to—I thought perhaps she was not trying very hard. A nearby mom overheard our conversation and politely told me that my daughter had gone through puberty and now had breasts and hips, so of course she couldn’t run as fast anymore. That thought had never occurred to me until then.

Hormones

Have you noticed any of the following behaviors in your teenage daughter:

instantaneous mood changes

taking things personally

a drop in self-esteem

hypersensitivity to what others say

not liking herself

trouble concentrating

difficulty making decisions

Family therapist