The Boys' Book: How to be the Best at Everything
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About this ebook
Guy Macdonald
Matthew Morgan, David Sinden, and Guy Macdonald are best friends from childhood. Matthew and David are the authors of the hugely successful UK series YUCK. All three live in Kent, England.
Read more from Guy Macdonald
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Book preview
The Boys' Book - Guy Macdonald
HOW TO DO AN OLLIE
This technique is the basis for most other skateboarding tricks. It allows a skater to jump over an obstacle, or on to a step or low wall, while the whole time the board appears to stick to the skater’s feet.
1. As you skate, place your back foot on the tail (back) of the board, and your front foot halfway between the nose (front) of the board and the tail.
2. Crouch in readiness to jump. Push down on the tail of the board with your back foot.
3. Now straighten your legs, effectively jumping into the air. The downward force on the tail will make the board come up with your front foot.
4. As the board rises, slide your front foot towards the nose. Then, with that foot, push down on the nose.
5. Lift your other foot to allow the tail to rise as the downward force is applied to the nose.
6. The board will now be level as you reach the peak of the jump. Then gravity takes hold, and you and the board come down.
7. As you descend, bend your legs again, to take up the impact of landing.
HOW TO INSULT SOMEONE AND GET AWAY WITH IT
With this list of posh put-downs you’ll never be short of something to say to unsuspecting friends. And you’ll never get into trouble because they won’t be familiar with the words you are using. Even your teacher will be flabbergasted and impressed.
asinine (ass-in-ine) very stupid: ‘What an asinine thing to do.’
blatherskite (blather-skite) a person who talks a load of nonsense: ‘What a blatherskite you are.’
cacophony (ka-koff-funny) unpleasantly loud noise: ‘What a cacophony my sister is making with her singing.’
discombobulate (dis-kom-bob-u-late) confuse: ‘He was totally discombobulated by what I said.’
lollapalooza (lolla-palooza) a particularly attractive or impressive thing or person: ‘He’s no lollapalooza in his school uniform.’
noisome (noyzsome) stinking, extremely unpleasant: ‘My brother’s bedroom is very noisome.’
tawdry (tordry) something flashy but of rubbish quality: ‘Auntie, what fabulously tawdry jewellery you are wearing.’
technophobe (tekno-fobe) someone who dislikes or fears new technology: ‘My dad can’t even answer his mobile phone. He’s a real technophobe.’
temerity (tem-erity) extreme boldness and cheek: ‘What temerity to insult people like this.’
HOW TO FLY A HELICOPTER
A helicopter can move up and down, forwards and backwards, and sideways. It can also rotate 360 degrees, stop in mid-air, and hover … and while hovering it can spin round. As a helicopter pilot you must be at your most alert to be able to operate and control the movement of the craft.
1. In one hand you have the collective pitch stick. This adjusts the main rotors so that the helicopter can go up and down. It also controls the engine speed.
2. In the other hand you have the cyclic pitch. This control makes the main rotor tilt so that it can pull the helicopter backwards, forwards or sideways.
3. Your feet rest on pedals that control the tail rotor. This allows the helicopter to turn to face any direction.
To perfect your flight and avoid embarrassing wild spins, dips this way and that, and jerky rises and drops in the air, you have to make sure that your hands and feet work together to make the helicopter do what you want it to do.
HOW TO PERFORM MAGIC
Here’s a magic trick that is guaranteed to fool everyone:
1. Before you perform the trick, you need to make a trick card. Cut a black king in half and glue it to the front of the 10 of diamonds. Position it half way across the 10 and slightly tilted to the right, as shown here.
2. Next, take three cards from the pack – your trick card, the 5 of hearts and the jack of clubs.
3. Fan out the cards as shown below. Make sure the jack is completely hidden behind the 5 of hearts, so only the 10 of diamonds, the king of spades and the 5 of hearts are showing.
4. Show the fan of cards to your audience. Then close the fan. Turn your hand over and fan out the cards again, holding them face down.
5. Ask someone to pick out the king. They will probably pick the middle card thinking it is the king. It won’t be the king; it will be the jack.
HOW TO SURVIVE IN SPACE
If you’re very rich you could go to space for a holiday. The other way to get to space is to become an astronaut, and an astronaut must be the best at everything.
You have to wear a spacesuit while travelling on the space shuttle, but on the space station you can wear ordinary clothing. You’ll spend time on board the space station growing plants, making crystals and performing experiments in near-zero gravity.
You will need to exercise frequently to minimize the loss of bone and muscle mass caused by weightlessness. Gym equipment is provided. During your free time, you can send e-mails home, play cards with fellow astronauts and admire the view of earth.
You will eat in the galley. The food is in containers attached to a tray which is in turn attached either to you or to a wall (otherwise your meal floats off). The meals themselves are not made up of tablets, though – you get proper appetizing food just like at home.
You will sleep in bunk-style sleeping quarters or, if there’s not much room, in sleeping bags. These of course have to be attached to a wall or they will float about and you’ll wake up in another part of the station.
As there’s no washing machine aboard, you will need to take with you a great deal of clothing. Dirty clothes are sealed in plastic bags, in much the same way as all the rubbish is.
The toilet is fairly similar to those on earth. A steady flow of air moves through the unit when it is in use, carrying waste to a special container or into plastic bags. The plastic bags are then sealed. (Some of the waste might be returned to earth for laboratory analysis.)
To wash, you will have a freshwater hose to shower you and a vacuum hose to suck up all the water. In other words you use vacuum cleaners on yourself. You can’t have a bath as the water will float about. This is very dangerous as it might short-circuit electrical equipment.
As for brushing your teeth – that can be a challenge, too. You have to make sure the toothpaste is well down on the bristles and you have to stop the water from running away.
You may have to perform spacewalks to complete your mission. This will involve getting into a spacesuit, which has been made to withstand flying debris and to protect astronauts from dramatic temperature changes (from –85°C in the shade to over 120°C in the hot sunlight).
The spacesuit has a pressurized atmosphere, a source of oxygen, a means of removing carbon dioxide, a temperature regulator, some protection against radiation, and the means to communicate at all times with ground control or the space station.
After going through depressurization procedures in the