The Psychology of Happiness

THE PSYCHOLOGY OF HAPPINESS

Understanding Our Selves

Robert Elias Najemy

Published by Robert Elias Najemy at Smashwords

I would like to offer this book to all of humanity as well as to our brothers the animals and plants,

and all the elements of nature.

You are all my teachers.

I love you and am grateful to you.

© COPYRIGHT 1985

Robert Najemy http://www.armonikizoi.com

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only.

This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people.

If you would like to share this book with another person,

please purchase an additional copy for each recipient.

If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it,

or it was not purchased for your use only,

then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy.

Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

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TABLE OF CONTENTS

Chapter

INTRODUCTION

Chapter 1 Life Story no 1 Communication Problems

Chapter 2 How Reality is Created

Chapter 3 Technique no. 1 Breathing out the Tension

Chapter 4 Life Story no. 2 Anxiety About Grades

Chapter 5 Attachments, Attachments, Preferences

Chapter 6 Technique no. 2 Hot bath or Massage

Chapter 7 Life Story no. 3 Fear that he is having an affair

Chapter 8 How to Analyze and Emotion

Chapter 9 Technique no. 3 Dancing our Emotions

Chapter 10 Life Story no. 4 Alcoholic Father & Husband

Chapter 11 The Psychology of Evolution

Chapter 12 Technique no. 4 Regular Exercise

Chapter 13 Life Story no. 5 Mother-in-law

Chapter 14 The Seven Centers of Consciousness

Chapter 15 Technique no. 5 Deep Relaxation

Chapter 16 Life Story no. 6 The Absent Spouse

Chapter 17 An Outline for Managing Emotions

Chapter 18 Technique no. 6 Writing How we Feel

Chapter 19 Life Story no. 7 Self Evaluation

Chapter 20 Concepts and Tools for Self-transformation

Chapter 21 Technique no. 7 Channeling Energy

Chapter 22 Life Story no. 8 Self-suppression

Chapter 23 Understanding and Overcoming Fear

Chapter 24 Technique no. 8 Emotional Release

Chapter 25 Life Story no. 9 The Intimidator

Chapter 26 Understanding Emotions

Chapter 27 Technique no. 9 Dealing with Criticism

Chapter 28 Life Story no. 10 The Interrogator

Chapter 29 The Twelve Pathways - Getting Free

Chapter 30 Technique no. 10 You are not the Target

Chapter 31 Life Story no. 11 Aloof

Chapter 32 Being Here Now

Chapter 33 Technique no. 11 Positive Projection

Chapter 34 Life Story no. 12 The Victim

Chapter 35 Interacting With Others

Chapter 36 Technique no. 12 Contemplating the Opposite Emotion

Chapter 37 Life Story no. 13 Cannot Be Happy when others are not

Chapter 38 Awareness

Chapter 39 Technique no. 13 Putting Ourselves in the Others’ Position

Chapter 40 Life Story no. 14 A Change in Program

Chapter 41 Positive Thinking

Chapter 42 Technique no. 14 Guidelines for Positive Projection

Chapter 43 Life Story no. 15 Perfect, Strong and Conscientious

Chapter 44 Why Some People Do Not Want to get Well

Chapter 45 Technique no. 15 Transferring Attention to the Body

Chapter 46 Life Story no. 16 Fears Concerning the Children

Chapter 47 Written Affirmations

Chapter 48 Technique no. 16 Affirmations

Chapter 49 Life Story no. 17 Parental Pressure

Chapter 50 Learning to Love Ourselves

Chapter 51 Technique no. 17 Healing Love Energy

Chapter 52 Life Story no. 18 Loud Neighbors

Chapter 53 Learning from Life's Difficulties

Chapter 54 Technique no. 18 Repeating a Positive Phrase

Chapter 55 Life Story no. 19 The Good and Righteous One

Chapter 56 Facing Loneliness

Chapter 57 Technique no. 19 Spiritual Truths

Chapter 58 Life Story no. 20 Weak incapable and Dependent

Chapter 59 Stages of Love

Chapter 60 Technique no. 20 Meditation

Chapter 61 Life Story no. 21 The Rebel

Chapter 62 Our Life Purpose

Chapter 63 Technique no. 21 Resolving Emotions to their Source

Chapter 64 Life Story no. 22 The Savior

Chapter 65 Reconciling Inner Conflicts

Chapter 66 Technique no. 22 Selfless Service

Chapter 67 Life Story no. 23 The Guilty One

Chapter 68 Healing Our Inner Child

Chapter 69 Forgiveness and Freedom

Chapter 70 Coping with the Death of Loved One

Chapter 71 How to be Really Beautiful

Chapter 72 Energy and Emotions

About our Web Site

About the Author

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INTRODUCTION

Dear Reader,

I offer you this book, with the hope that material presented here will help you as much as it has helped me in my life. This is not an ordinary book on psychology. It is a handbook for self- transformation. Its purpose is to open the way for a new, more positive, more joyful view of life.

The concepts and techniques found in this book, come from a very wide variety of sources, including:

1. Psychological approaches such as Humanistic Psychology, Transactional Analysis, Effective

Communication Training, the Twelve Pathways to Higher Consciousness of Ken Keyes, Body

Centered Psychology, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprogramming.

2. Philosophical and spiritual concepts from various sources that supplement the psychological point of view.

We might call this spiritual psychology, the psychology of transformation, the

psychology of happiness, or the psychology of evolution.

I have preferred to express these concepts in a simple way so that all can work effectively. Do not let this simplicity cause you to underestimate the power of the material presented here. Literally hundreds of thousands of people have used these systems to create emotional peace and mental equilibrium. Many of them did not stop there, but went on to develop themselves spiritually, experiencing higher states of consciousness of increased peace and love.

This is a practical book, a handbook for a new way of perceiving ourselves and the world; for a new way of feeling, loving and acting.

Before each chapter, we have placed Life Stories that describe various situations that we are likely to encounter as well as a list of lessons we might learn from them. After each chapter we have placed techniques which we hope you will employ and benefit from.

The previous editions of the book were abundant with questionnaires and sample answers to those questions that allowed the reader to work on him or her self.

Because we have added here many more chapters as well the Life Stories and Techniques, we have decided to place those questionnaires on our web site (www.HolisticHarmony.com) for those who really are seeking to understand and transform themselves.

I would suggest that you read the book twice. Once before you answer the questionnaires and employ the various techniques described and then again as you are employing them.

It is not necessary for you to have emotional problems to gain from this book. The book is based on the psychology of evolution. Applying these principles can open us up to ever greater inner peace and unconditional love for all beings. We are lead to higher states of consciousness, and prepared for more advanced spiritual techniques, such as meditation.

Some basic points are repeated, as these truths need to be encountered many times, in order for them to sink deeply enough into our subconscious mind. This repetition also enables us to see how these truths apply to various aspects of our lives.

This work has actually been divided into two books. The one you are holding addresses it self to

Understanding Our Selves. The second volume investigates "Creating Conscious Love

Relationships."

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Chapter 0: I WENT OUT TO END MY LIFE AND FOUND IT

I would like to briefly share with you how I came to write this book.

I was 22 years old and had followed the socially dictated path towards happiness. I graduated from

university and was working as a chemical engineer making plenty of money. What else could I want? I had all ingredients for happiness; a car, stereo, nice looking apartment, a girl friend or two. Well, what else could you want, young man?

I was never more miserable in my life. I was experiencing a crisis in identity and life values during my first year out of engineering school, while working for an international chemical company.

Although, I had done everything society told me to do in order to be happy; I had no reason for

living. I had no idea why I was living or what was important. My life had no meaning for me.

This crisis of doubt and confusion began to permeate every aspect of my life. I had thoughts like,

Is life completely relative? Is this all there is; fifty to eighty years of momentary happiness and unhappiness, working, sleeping, eating, enjoying sensual pleasures and then it's finished, as if it never ever existed?

If so, then why go through it all? Why not commit suicide and finish it now, as there is no purpose to life? Why struggle, why be good, why take care of my health, why make any effort whatsoever to succeed if everything, that I would do and become, would sooner or later be consumed by the river of time?

Soon it became unbearable, and I decided that life really wasn't worth living.

While sitting at a lake thinking about how I was going to finish my life, a strange set of

experiences, which I have never clearly understood, involving a friendly snake which appeared and looked into my eyes for a considerable time before passing on, deterred me from my decision. Something was happening within me. A whole new world opened up. Suddenly I saw the world in a different light and a new hope had sprouted within me.

The next day I informed my boss that I would be leaving in a month's time. He was shocked and

wanted to know what I was going to do. The only answer I could think of was, «I'm going to take a year off and search for a meaning in life».

What was I searching for? The answers to some extremely important but seldom asked questions such as:

1. Who or what exactly am I?

2. What I am doing here on this earth, in this body?

3. Why was I born in America and not in Africa or on some other planet?

4. Why was I born at all? For what reason?

5. Who or what is controlling the circumstances of my life?

6. What is the purpose of my life? What should I do with my life?

7. What happens after I die? Is that the end?

8. Is there such a thing as good and bad? Is life simply a chemical phenomenon or is there some spiritual entity behind all this?

I will throughout this book refer to the answers which I have received concerning the above mentioned questions but here let me simply categorize the meaning of life into four headings; Relationship, Creativity, Service and Evolution.

These constitute the basic focal points that give meaning to most lives.

1. We find meaning in sincere loving relationships in which we transcend our fears and alienation and open our hearts to others unconditionally. These people give us a reason to live, and this is why departure from them is so painful. Our ultimate relationship, however, will be with the Divine.

2. Creativity is our basic nature. As expressions of Universal energy we are co-creators here on the earth level and creative expression is essential for our balance, happiness, self esteem and well being.

3. Serving or being useful to others gives is a reason to exist. We feel that our existence counts,

that our life has a meaning.

4. Evolution or Self-Actualization is evident in all creation. We can improve our selves physically and psychologically, increasing our love, creativity, inner peace and happiness and live

in greater harmony with our environment.

We all experience within us forces pushing us to improve our selves. We clearly know that we can

be happier and more loving than we are. We can manifest greater portions of our inner potential.

We also experience the same inner pressure towards relationship, creativity and service.

The ultimate meaning of life, however, will be found in the fullness of existence it self, without

any other reason. However, as this requires an extremely high state of consciousness that few of us experience, this book shall investigate these more tangible sources of meaning and happiness.

I wish you every success.

May you always be well.

Robert Najemy

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Chapter 1: Life Story no. 1

COMMUNICATION PROBLEMS

Anna enjoys sharing her feelings with her husband Paul. She also needs to know what he is feeling and thinking in return. When she is unable to communicate with him, she feels neglected and unloved.

Although Paul does love Anna, he does not enjoy communicating as much as she does and feels very uncomfortable sharing his feelings, mostly because he is not very familiar with them. Also, when he is aware of his feelings, he is ashamed to share them because he fears this will lessen his manhood.

This constructs a conflict of needs. The more Anna pressures Paul to open up and communicate, the more he withdraws and avoids her. If she pressures him too much, he angrily pushes her away. As a result, Anna feels rejected and unloved, while Paul feels pressured and suppressed. The more Paul avoids Anna and does not fulfill her needs, the more negative, critical and accusatory she becomes. In response to Anna’s negative reactions, Paul avoids her even more.

He feels she does not understand his needs and refuses to accept him as he is. She feels he does not love her and that he rejects her as a woman and a partner in life.

Anna is unhappy and completely unsatisfied with her marriage. Her needs are not being fulfilled. Paul directs his attention to other activities, such as work, sports and recreation with friends.

Both are susceptible to others of the opposite sex who they believe will truly understand them.

In this case, two individuals, who actually love each other, have become victims of their own programming and needs. Their attachments, fears and lack of communication skills are destroying their relationship and their happiness.

They both need to understand the beliefs creating their fears and attachments in order to put themselves in the other's position, understand the other’s needs, and communicate more openly

and clearly.

This book is dedicated to our freedom from such mechanical robot-like interactions.

Belief Analysis

Anna might be limited by some of the following beliefs:

1. I need to share my feelings with people I love in order to feel safe and also to feel close to them.

2. In order to feel close to others, I must know what they are thinking and feeling.

3. If others do not want to share with me, there must be something wrong with me.

4. If others do not want to communicate with me, I feel that they do not love me.

5. I cannot feel safe with someone I do not know emotionally.

6. I must share my problems with my loved ones and receive their input and support.

7. I am the victim and have suffered a great injustice.

8. I am responsible for Paul's happiness.

9. My self worth and security are dependent upon how much my husband cares for me and shares his feelings with me.

Paul might be limited by some of the following beliefs:

1. I am in danger when communicating feelings.

2. Emotions are for women. Action is for Men.

3. I am in danger if I have feelings of weakness.

4. I must never show weakness.

5. She is suppressing my personality and I am losing my freedom.

6. She does not accept me as I am. I am in danger because she wants to change me.

7. I am the victim of her criticism.

8. I must avoid her in order to preserve my freedom.

Anna might benefit from developing some of the following beliefs:

1. I feel close to my husband regardless of how much he can share with me.

2. I am safe and loved even when my husband is unable to communicate.

3. Life provides me with exactly what I need in order to learn my next lesson.

4. I dynamically create my reality with or without my husband.

5. I accept and love myself regardless of his behavior.

6. I understand his difficulty to communicate and love him as he is.

Paul might benefit from developing some of the following beliefs:

1. I feel safe and comfortable communicating my feelings to my wife.

2. I accept my feelings and share them with my loved ones in order to create deeper love relationships.

3. I am free to be myself in every situation.

4. I enjoy sharing my inner world with my beloved wife.

5. In each moment life provides me with exactly what I need to learn my next lesson.

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Chapter 2: HOW OUR PERSONAL REALITY IS CREATED

A Change in Attitude

I was sitting on a bench in the National Park in the center of Athens, Greece while three children played nearby. They were playing basketball, trying to throw a ball into a garbage can. The older boy, about seven years old, had thrown the ball in four times, and his young girlfriend had thrown it in twice. His little sister, however, who looked to be about five years old, had not been able to make even a single basket. The game continued with great earnestness, with exciting joys and devastating disappointments. Every time they tossed the ball into the can, they immediately looked over to see if I had been watching. I became very emotionally involved without saying a word, but was rather worried about the attitude of the youngest girl, who still hadn't managed to put the ball in. The score was now 6 to 5 to 0.

I noticed she was more concerned about the fact that she wasn't getting the ball in the can and the disappointment involved, than she was in concentrating on the aim of her toss. She had come to believe that she couldn't do it, and didn't even take the time to seriously look at the basket she was shooting for. Instead, she was already prepared to show her disappointment, which usually consisted of jumping up and down two or three times with both feet, and banging herself on the head. Sometimes she spun around in a circle (which, by the way, was similar to the way her brother acted when he was successful, only his hands would be raised in the air in triumph).

The little girl was becoming more and more desperate, even resorting to kicking the ball away, so the others would have to chase after it. That made them angry and they retaliated by telling her

how bad she was at the game. At other times, she would grab the ball and run away with it, making her brother chase after her and forcibly snatch the ball away from her.

I was practically in tears by now, although not one word had passed between us. I then closed my eyes and focussed my thoughts on the little girl, mentally communicating to her that she must concentrate and think positively. I continued doing this for about three minutes.

Then I opened my eyes and kept this idea in my mind and my eyes on her. Her next try was

another failure, but she didn't seem quite so upset.

The very next time she did something completely different. She took the ball in her hands, and looked at it closely, and began to talk to it with conviction and authority, telling it that it

MUST go into the basket and that if it didn't, it would be punished. Then she looked lovingly at the ball and kissed it, turned toward the basket and threw it directly in.

I was so happy for her that I could hardly remain seated. I actually started to cry.

The little girl continued with this more positive technique for the rest of the game, and the final

score was 10 to 8 to 6. My little friend had 8.

Now, it is not difficult to understand the point. The little girl lacked confidence and

concentration, and because of this, she set herself up for failure. When she failed, she became even more convinced of her inability, and set herself up physically and psychologically for each successive failure. She stopped making a serious effort. She simply went up to the line with failure in mind and threw the ball without trying.

Perhaps my concentration and prayers were picked up by her subconscious. Perhaps they weren’t.

Then, for some reason, she changed her behavior and employed more concentration and optimism. She told the ball what it had to do and she became very sure of herself. The ball went directly in, guided by her positive and convinced state of mind.

When the ball went into the can, the little girl’s opinion of herself completely changed; now she was a success. Her entire physical reality changed, and she made more baskets in the remaining time than the other two children combined.

Children can alter their reality relativity easily through a change of attitude and behavior because of their less rigid belief system. For us adults, who have many more years of conditioning, such a

change might take more time. But it can be done and more importantly, in many cases, it must be done, if we are to enjoy a life of happiness, success and growth.

Many of us set ourselves up for failure because of our habitual negative thinking and basic beliefs concerning our impotency. In the following pages, we will discuss the techniques by which we may recondition our thought processes and change our reality

We Create Our Reality

Most of us would like a happier, healthier, more harmonious reality. In order to improve our reality, we must understand the mechanisms of its creation. Most of us feel that things simply happen in our lives or that we just feel this way or that way. Few of us actually investigate how our reality is created.

We might say that our reality is constructed of two basic factors:

1. What is happening or has happened.

2. What we believe, and consequently how we feel about ourselves, in relationship to what has

happened, is happening or will happen.

This belief system or programming, which creates our subjective perception of reality, is a result of our past experience.

A description of how elephants are trained will help us understand the relationship between our past, our beliefs and our reality.

Self Limiting Elephants

Elephants born in captivity are restrained by a chain that attaches one leg to a metal spike driven into the ground. This prevents them from roaming. They become accustomed to the fact that, as long as the chain and spike are next to them, they are unable to move.

As they grow older, their minds become programmed. When they see the spike and chain, they

believe and accept that they will not be able to move. They become so conditioned that when their owners place a small rope and wooden peg next to them, they make no efforts to step away from it, because they believe they are unable to.

In truth, their actual power as adults is so great that they could easily pull up a chain and spike of

any size. Their programming or belief, however, allows this tiny rope and wooden peg to limit their movement.

We are all very much like these elephants. We allow the weaknesses, fears and rejection we experienced as children to program us into a life in which we lack power, peace, love and happiness. We become controlled by false childhood assumptions we have made about our ability, strength and self worth.

We can move away from these pegs of self-limitation, but we must chose to do so.

This is a very simple description of an extremely complicated and intricate process, which we will analyze in greater details throughout this book.

The Stimulus

The first factor in the creation of our reality is called the stimulus. This is an event that we

observe or perhaps even fanaticize or project.

1. Some external stimuli include events such as the following:

We receive love, admiration, attention, gifts, money or success at some effort, or we are rejected,

falsely accused, suffer a loss of someone or something important to us, or experience failure at some endeavor.

2. We might also be affected by internal stimuli, such as thoughts about the past or future.

3. Our emotions or thoughts may become stimuli for other emotions, such as when we feel

anger or self-rejection when we observe that we have allowed ourselves to become aggressive or fearful.

4. Other more subtle stimuli might be the state of our hormones, chemical balance or energy state. We have all experienced days when we were more emotionally vulnerable, perhaps due to low energy. This is especially but not exclusively so for women, because of hormonal changes.

The Evaluation Of The Stimulus

As these stimuli pass into the mind, it evaluates them seeking to determine whether they are supportive of or endangering to our basic needs.

1. If our subconscious programming determines them to be supportive, we feel relaxed, happy and

loving.

2. If we conclude that they are endangering, we experience fear as well as and a wide variety of other emotions, such as pain, disillusionment, bitterness, injustice, depression, jealousy, envy,

anger, hate, etc.

Our emotional state constitutes the greater portion of our subjective personal reality. It is not so

much what happens in our life that creates our reality but how we perceive and react to what happens or to what we imagine is happening or will happen.

This is the first basic premise of what we might call the Psychology of Happiness or the Psychology of Evolution or of Transformation. We create our own reality by the way we interpret and react to the events and other stimuli mentioned above. Many might think of situations in which this might seem false or difficult to perceive, however, deep examination of this concept will prove that it is true in all cases. Our belief system creates our reality.

Automatic Programming

If we want to be happy, we need to transcend our automatic, mechanical emotional reactions. We need to understand why we automatically react in certain ways, such as with fear or anger, and how we can begin to free ourselves from undesirable emotional responses. Otherwise we are not free. We are under the control of the programming of our childhood, our past, our lack of clarity, and our lack of awareness. We are asleep to our real personal nature, and the true nature of the reality surrounding us. This book is intended to serve as a wake-up call.

We are in a state of evolution from our animal nature through our human nature to our divine

nature. In reality, our essential being is beyond this temporary body and mind. We are aspects of Divine Creation, and thus we embody love, knowledge and power. Mistaken conditioning has caused us to lose contact with this inner nature.

The Lion Cub

The story about the lion cub more graphically describes this process.

Once there was a great lioness who went hunting with her newborn cub. While chasing and

attacking a flock of sheep, the she-lion made a wrong move, fell off a cliff and died.

The cub was left without a mother and grew up in the midst of the sheep. As the years passed, the cub became a full-grown lion, but it was instinctually conditioned to behave as a sheep. It ate

grass, made a bleating sound, and developed a fear of all other animals, just like the sheep.

One day, another lion attacked the flock, and in the chase, was shocked to see the ridiculous sight

of a full grown lion running away with the sheep bleating bah bah in fear.

He caught up to the sheepish lion, and asked, "What are you doing? Why are you acting in this

ridiculous way? You a great, powerful lion acting like a lowly powerless sheep? What has come over you? You should be ashamed of yourself."

The sheepish lion explained that he was a sheep, and that the flock had taught him to fear and bleat and run in horror from the powerful lions.

The adult lion took the sheepish lion down to the river and asked him to look at the reflection of

his own face. He saw that he was like the lion and not like the sheep. The lion then woke up from his ignorance and discovered his previously ignored inner courage, strength and majesty.

We are like the sheepish lion. The sheep represent our human nature, our personality, which moans, fears, complains and worries. The Lion is the spiritual aspect of our being, which is a source of great power, wisdom, creativity, goodness and love.

Great spiritual teachers have appeared throughout history with the same message of our "LION

NATURE", the untapped spiritual power and greatness that dwells within us.

Our Mistaken Identity

All our problems are simply the result of our mistaken identity.

We have learned to suppress what is naturally good within us. We have learned to mistrust others and compete against them, rather than cooperate and share with them. We have learned to be neurotic and fearful of new persons and situations. We have lost the ability to be open and loving, as we were when we were children. We have been taught that we must fight for what we need even at the others’ expense.

Such beliefs have been instilled into us, as a way of being smart, or being successful. Many of us who have followed this philosophy find ourselves isolated, secluded and lonely. We may have

everything that society programmed our minds to believe was important, but do we have love, health, peace of mind, self-understanding, harmonious relationships or happiness?

One natural disaster, such as an accident, fire, earthquake, war, or death of a loved one, can destroy our happiness instantaneously when it is based on external factors.

Effort Without Attachment

This in no way means we should not seek to create the reality we desire for ourselves, our loved ones and our community. It means we need to make our best effort towards a better life, but without attachment to the results of our endeavor.

This requires a delicate balance. Some of us make very little effort to improve our selves or our

lives, and thus we obtain limited results. Others try extremely hard, but are so greatly attached to the result that they experience anxiety, fear and stress.

Attachment to some particular source of happiness is often our main obstacle toward the happiness we seek. In this book, we shall learn to understand which attachments limit our happiness and how we can transform them into preferences.

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Chapter 3: Technique no. 1

BREATHING OUT TENSION

Why this technique is useful

1. Breathing is an extremely powerful and effective key to the nervous system, energy and mind.

2. By controlling the breathing process, we can release tension that might be accumulating in the muscles.

3. As we relax these muscles, our energy flows and the mind becomes more peaceful

A simple technique for handling tension is to:

1. Inhale slowly and deeply,

2. Hold your breath for about 5 seconds and focus on the area where the tension is

accumulating.

3. As you exhale, feel that tension flow out with the exhalation.

This technique can be performed:

1. In the morning upon waking in order to vitalize the body for the day.

2. In the evening in order to release stress, relax and rejuvenate the mind for evening activities.

3. Any time you feel tense or tired in order to release stress, relax, and /or rejuvenate.

Note:

This should not be done for more than 5 minutes at a time without the assistance of an experienced guide.

Never hold the breath for more than 5 seconds.

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Chapter 4: Life Story no. 2

ANXIETY ABOUT GRADES

John and Barbara have three children in junior and senior high school. Their house is the site of frequent battles concerning how much the children need to study and what grades are acceptable. The main battle is with their youngest child, Peter, who refuses to study. The more they pressure him, the more rebellious he becomes. He now perceives them to be his enemies, and a great power struggle takes place between them.

Peter lacks self-confidence and self-acceptance, and is tired of being compared to his older sisters.

He would like to have good grades, but the fear of trying and not succeeding is unbearable for him, and thus, he prefers not to try at all.

He would much rather play at the computer or search the net than study subjects he feels have nothing to do with life. He prefers to partake in activities he can control and succeed at, rather than those which hold the risk of failure and create anxiety.

John and Barbara attach great deal of importance to grades, success, economic status, and most of

all, to how they and their children compare to other families and what others think of them.

They find it difficult to decide how much responsibility they have for Peter's future, and whether it is their duty to pressure him. Still, what creates even more anxiety for them is the fact that they are

programmed to believe his failure is their failure. They measure their self worth as persons and parents by their children’s grades and accomplishments.

They are ashamed to admit to others that Peter is not doing well. They feel lessened in other's eyes.

Peter realizes this and is hurt by the fact that they are allowing what other people think to be more important than how he feels. He feels misunderstood, rejected, and unloved. His parents feel the same.

He needs to be accepted and loved for the person he is, regardless of his grades. His parents do love him, but their fears concerning his future, their own self worth as parents, and what others

think of them, prevent them from expressing their love without inhibitions.

Peter would like to make them happy, but his fear of failure and need to protect his freedom and

self worth by rebelling against their pressure, become obstacles in his ability to do so.

They all need to analyze and free themselves from the beliefs and attachments preventing them from experiencing and expressing the love they have for each other.

Belief Analysis

Their beliefs cause them to be caught up in this situation.

John and Barbara might be limited by some of the following beliefs:

1. Our child is our creation. We are totally responsible for what he becomes.

2. Our self worth depends on how he turns out: his grades, his health, his success, his behavior, etc.

3. Others will judge us according to our children’s success or failure.

4. Our self worth is dependent upon what others think and say about us.

5. Our child will be able to succeed and be happy only of he obtains high grades and a university degree.

6. This is a difficult world and we must protect and prepare our child for it.

7. Later in life, our child might hold us accountable for the fact that we didn't push him enough.

Peter might be limited by some of the following beliefs:

1. I am not smart; I cannot succeed at school.

2. My self worth is dependent upon my grades.

3. My self worth is dependent upon how I measure up to my sisters and others.

4. My parents will love me more if I have high grades and less if I do not.

5. I will probably not be happy or successful in life if I don’t get good grades.

6. I am a failure and no one loves me.

7. I am living in a prison and have no freedom to live my life I as I chose.

8. My parents want to control me in order to satisfy their own needs.

By adjusting their belief system, this family could solve many of their problems.

John and Barbara might find peace in some of the following beliefs:

1. Our child is God's creation and has within him the blueprints of his life. We are here to aid him in his search for himself.

2. Our child is like a seed that knows what it needs to become. We are here simply to water the seed and nourish it, not to tell him how to live his life.

3. Our self worth depends solely on our motives and effort to help our child, not on the result.

4. We are worthy of love and respect regardless of our children’s grades.

5. We are worthy of love and respect regardless of what others think or say.

6. Our child has the ability and inner guidance to create success and happiness regardless of his education.

7. Life gives us and our children exactly what each of us needs for his/her growth.

8. We offer love, guidance and support to our child, but allow him to make his own choices and

grow through living the consequences of those choices.

9. We understand and respect our child’s fears and seek to help him believe in himself.

Peter might be helped by some of the following beliefs:

1. I am intelligent and totally capable of succeeding in school and life.

2. I deserve love and respect regardless of my grade level.

3. I am special and unique from my sisters and all others.

4. I will create success and happiness in my life.

5. I am worthy of love and respect exactly as I am.

6. I understand my parents’ anxiety and need to pressure me to study, and feel their love behind those actions.

7. I understand their fears and accept them as they are.

8. Real freedom is the freedom to intelligently direct my energy in ways that benefit my life and future.

9. My parents love me and are trying to help me in their own way.

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Chapter 5: ATTACHMENTS - ADDICTIONS - PREFERENCES

Happiness exists within us. We cannot experience it, however, as long as we are searching for it outside of ourselves. When we are unable to manifest that to which we are attached or addicted, our minds experience pain, fear, jealousy,