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    Out-Of-Mind Experiences: Thirteen Tales
    Out-Of-Mind Experiences: Thirteen Tales
    Out-Of-Mind Experiences: Thirteen Tales
    Ebook370 pages3 hours

    Out-Of-Mind Experiences: Thirteen Tales

    By Lori R. Lopez

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    About this ebook

    These thirteen offbeat tales encompass an array of genres from Horror and Fantasy to Science Fiction, Historic, and Mythic under one roof. Their common theme, out-of-mind experiences, covers the macabre as easily as it applies to the spiritual or the mentally unbalanced, anger or madness. However, there is nothing common about these tales.

    1. UNLEASHED: TAIL ONE
    There's a saying: Be careful what you say and do, because little eyes are watching you! Would the tormented pet of a psycho, after witnessing countless abominations, begin to exhibit disturbing behavior? Find out in this comical crime spree.

    2. BEYOND THE STUMP
    The dark harrowing tale of a young woman who must assume her mother's role of Gatekeeper.

    3. BEDEVILED
    A trail of madness featuring a parasitic ear sprite that causes folks to go berserk and the likable loons who try to halt his wacky head trip.

    4. HAUNTED BY HITLER
    This fable solves some historic question marks by depicting a fanciful meeting between an infamous ghost and Rudolph Hess at Spandau Prison.

    5. THE MYTH OF THE MAYAN
    This whimsical fantasy posits a cultural exchange between a traveling Mayan merchant and a member of The Kumeyaay Tribe in California, leading to the spread of knowledge. Take a journey through time when fact and folklore merge to rewrite history.
    6. PLAYING THE GAME
    A school soccer match becomes a life-or-death struggle.

    7. TERROR
    A man suspected of terrorist activities learns the meaning of fear when targeted by a serial killer.

    8. NUANCE
    A humorously poignant Cinderfella tale about a spooky carnival and a misfit who discovers the truth behind his sorry circumstances.

    9. THE END CHROMOSOME
    Thought-provoking science fiction about a potential genetic timebomb which could threaten the human race.

    10. PENNED
    A much-rejected unknown author goes off the deep end when she's sucked inside her computer by the terror within.

    11. CAUSE AND EFFECT
    The result of a Rube-Goldbergian nonstop chain of events.

    12. BAD MOOD
    A quirky blend of humor, horror, and sci-fi myth-adventure when a mysterious mental illness affects dairy cows in a small Wisconsin town.

    13. THE THIRTEENTH TALE
    Have you ever read a story you couldn't put down? This is one those tales . . . A "gripping" account of literature that becomes too literal.

    What is an Author's Draft? It is an original concept devised by Lori R. Lopez. Much like a Director's Cut in film, it is the author's true voice, the author's pure and untampered vision!

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherLori R. Lopez
    Release dateJan 27, 2012
    ISBN9781465895226
    Out-Of-Mind Experiences: Thirteen Tales
    Author

    Lori R. Lopez

    Lori R. Lopez wears many hats as an Author and Speculative Poet of Horror, Fantasy, Suspense, Humor and more. She illustrates her books and has written songs, while being an Activist for animals and children. Growing up, Lori roamed graveyards and conducted funerals for dead birds, squirrels, insects and spiders. Her offbeat books include The Dark Mister Snark, Leery Lane, An Ill Wind Blows, Darkverse: The Shadow Hours, Odds & Ends, and The Fairy Fly. In 2023 Lori won Third Place in the Long Category for the SFPA Poetry Contest for "Wake Unto Death". Her Poetry Collection Darkverse was nominated for an Elgin Award and a Finalist in the Kindle Book Awards. Her poems "Crop Circles" and "Nocturnal Embers" were nominated for the Rhysling Award in 2020, "Social Graces" and "The Whistle Stop" in 2021, "Biting Sarcasm" in 2022, "The Whippoorwill" and "If Houses Could Talk" in 2023. Poems "The Maw" and "creatures of the macabre" received Editor's Choice Awards among other honors. Stories and verse have appeared in The Sirens Call, The Horror Zine, Space & Time, Spectral Realms, JOURN-E, Weirdbook, Bewildering Stories, Dreams & Nightmares, Impspired, Altered Reality, Aphelion, and anthologies such as California Screamin' (the Foreword Poem), HWA Poetry Showcases II, III, V, VI, and IX, Journals Of Horror, Grey Matter Monsters, Dead Harvest, Fearful Fathoms I, Terror Train I and II, Trickster's Treats #3, Speculations III (Weird Poets Society), and In Darkness We Play. A member of the Horror Writers Association, Science Fiction & Fantasy Poetry Association, and Lewis Carroll Society Of North America. Visit the Fairy Fly Entertainment Website Lori shares with her two talented sons, and their YouTube Channel @FairyFly. They have a Folk Band called The Fairyflies.

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      Book preview

      Out-Of-Mind Experiences - Lori R. Lopez

      out-of-mind experiences

      thirteen tales

      by Lori R. Lopez

      Author’s Draft

      All rights reserved

      No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any

      media without written permission from the author, except

      brief excerpts in critical reviews and articles.

      This is a work of fiction.

      Copyright © 2012 by Lori R. Lopez

      Front Cover Illustration by Lori R. Lopez

      Smashwords Edition

      Ever heard the expression don’t judge a book by its cover? Well, here’s one you can. The cover art (by the author) conveys a fine line between mad and madness. This diverse collection merges an array of genres such as horror and humor, modern and mythic, historic and supernatural. Sometimes gripping, often quirky, these tales are always inventive and thought-inducing. Journey through a broad spectrum of fictional adventures from angry cows to psychotic pets, through portals of terror and gateways of myth and fantasy. There is something for everyone within these pages.

      What is an Author’s Draft? It is an original concept devised by Lori R. Lopez. Much like a Director’s Cut in film, it is the author’s true voice, the author’s pure and untampered vision!

      table of contents

      1. Unleashed: Tail One

      2. Beyond The Stump

      3. Bedeviled

      4. Haunted By Hitler

      5. The Myth Of The Mayan

      6. Penned

      7. Terror

      8. Nuance

      9. The End Chromosome

      10. Playing The Game

      11. Cause And Effect

      12. Bad Mood

      13. The Thirteenth Tale

      for the reader

      Unleashed: Tail One

      In Honor Of Midnight

      SOMETHING DREADFUL KNOCKED late at night. It howled and thumped and quaked the door. My family in trepidation phoned nine-one-one. Squad cars arrived blaring, casting wavery lights across windows.

      Our bell chimed. Two uniforms slouched grimly on the porch, working graveyard. One of them clutched a cat. Belong to you? the officer queried.

      That’s the neighbor’s pet, my mistress responded.

      Pest, you mean! I disdained.

      Oh. Sorry. It was sitting on your mat when we pulled up, apologized the towering policeman. His skimpy partner nodded like a bobblehead monkey that squatted on a shelf in my youngest owner’s room.

      Spotting me hunkered next to my adult master, hackles rising, a menacing snarl deep in my gullet, the miserable wildcat split with a squeal. Just doing my job.

      I was backup, the family hound. Their bodyguard. Don’t ask what breed. I’m mixed, a mongrel. Floppy antennas, colorful coat, broad snout.

      They dubbed me Rags, hardly befitting a canine of my aptitude, my obedience-schooled intellect. On this block I was regarded by peers as The Scope — no detail eluded my attention.

      You reported a disturbance? The female cop adjusted her glossy brim. A radio crackled at her shoulder. Static ensued from the tall guy’s device. They wore masks of feigned interest.

      Our door was being attacked, the lady of the house stated.

      It sounded like a monster! Benny the six-year-old exuberantly described.

      We noticed gouges, remarked Male Cop, indicating the door’s exterior. Was your dog in the house?

      Sure, try to pin the rap on me! I know my rights. I see plenty of crime shows, and you don’t have a case! Or a cage big enough to hold me! I indignantly blustered.

      My mistress fortuitously nodded, providing an alibi.

      How well do you know the cat?

      We see her wandering, napping on the Miller porch, peeking from windows, Mistress Sara divulged. But whatever did this damage couldn’t have been a cat. I’ve never experienced anything so intense! I was afraid the door would burst!

      Might be a catfight. Those get pretty vicious. We’ll look around and file a report, the patrolwoman affirmed.

      Thank you. Blissfully the door was shut and bolted. It’s okay, Rags. Keep an eye peeled, bade Master Evan.

      Lights off. The humans retired. I whimpered, a lone sentinel. Then sighed and rested a disconsolate chin on cold tile.

      My favorite post, protecting the fridge.

      A stealthy silhouette loomed at the rear entrance through a sheer drape. My throat rumbled, warning the ominous four-legged shadow: Scat cat. A watchdog’s work is never done.

      Convulsive slumber was haunted with banshee wails, subdued pummeling of glass besieged by cat fury, the ferocious animalistic rage of a feline scorned. Crying out, I trembled. Legs flailed, nerves twitched. The sun dallied in languorous neglect.

      My impatient basset woof heralded day. I plodded to the glass and smudged it, sniffing. No sign of you-know-who. The hellcat’s tantrums had abated. Panting, I grinned and decided to collect a few more winks.

      With any luck, the pesky parasite had joined a traveling flea circus.

      Lloyd MacKowski, Homicide. Producing my badge, I clasped the hands of Evan and Sara Smith. Pleasant, attractive, sincere, I mentally jotted. At this stage I had no suspects for the demise of their neighbor. It was a place to begin, with at least a slender connection to the unexplained death: a complaint about commotion on their property the night of the incident.

      I tapped a bronze name plaque beside the door. Smith. That’s not an alias is it? You’re not evading the law, are you folks? I smirked too slow. They took me seriously.

      No, of course not. Come in. We have nothing to hide, panicked Evan Smith.

      I’m sure you don’t, I placated, following him to the living-room. I flopped my bulk in an armchair.

      The Smiths perched on the edge of their davenport. A dog barked from the veranda, then pranced outside a glass door.

      This is our son Benjamin, the missus announced.

      A cute precocious boy planted himself in my view. Amber eyes and curls. Finger up his nostril. Hi, are you a detective?

      My belly lurched. What do they teach children these days? You’d expect a decent family in a nice house to have better manners! Yeah, are you a kid? I cleared my throat, thumbed my notepad and clicked my pen, ready for business.

      Yup. The lad stared like I was from Neptune. The finger dipped to his pocket. Not being a parent, I confess I found the habits and behavior of smallish tykes especially annoying.

      Sit with us, Ben. The dad seemed too eager and polished, attired for the office, his necktie immaculate, meticulously knotted.

      A neon sign of chaos within.

      Could be compensating for a lack of self-esteem. Or concealing a guilty conscience.

      I scribbled my observations, then frowned at the family with a trained eye as Benjy joined his parents.

      Functional. Caring. Nonsuspects, I percepted.

      Unless they gave me a reason to think elsewise.

      Sara folded her arms. Defensive. I was expert at reading body language.

      You’re from Homicide? Is this related to that night? she quizzed. The racket by our door?

      Uh, yes and no. It might be, I suggested. I’m investigating a death that occurred in the previous thirty-one hours on this street. In fact, it happened next door.

      I aimed the police-issue pen toward a dingy gray house visible through sparkling panes. The couple gasped in unison, heads turning, tracing my arrow. Rehearsed? I scrawled the speculation. Guess they didn’t notice the hubbub, the usual crowd of autos and strangers a day earlier. Must not have been present while officers canvassed the block. Rather convenient? The story made the evening news. My peepers furnished a solution: no television set. Odd. I mused over that for a moment, snatching candy from my jacket, then masticated solemnly. Courteous to a fault, I held out a handful. Jelly bean?

      The parents declined. The brat glommed my whole stash in one swoop.

      Flustered, I peevedly grilled, How well did you know Damon Miller?

      Does anyone really know their neighbors? Wifey shrugged. He kept to himself. We rarely saw him.

      You never spoke to the deceased?

      Once, delivering mail we were given by mistake, asserted Hubby. Folding his arms, he pinched his lips together.

      And? I coaxed.

      He raised his eyebrows. And what?

      Did your neighbor reply?

      Oh. Yes. Guy opens the door a crack, tells me to leave it in his box. Quite rude, wasn’t even grateful. A lot of people wouldn’t bother, they’d toss it. Not us. We’re law-abiding citizens. I listened to him swallow.

      A fairly high gag-threshold prevented me from losing my scrambled eggs. Very commendable. You’re setting a fine example for your son.

      Feeling claustrophobic, anxious to pursue other leads, I tucked my notebook away and surveyed three blatantly normal residents of a community where something major didn’t add up. If I have more questions, I’ll stop by.

      So how did he croak? the mister inquired. Was it violent?

      An intruder? probed the spouse.

      Was it a monster? Benjamin enthused.

      I deadpanned the trio, incredulous, blaming the media. Although they didn’t subscribe to the main source of sensationalism.

      Drowned in his bathroom, I revealed. We discovered evidence of foul play.

      The latter bit was bluff, a strategic ploy. My investigation concerned possible homicide. The medical examiner tentatively ruled it accidental — no fatal wound or tissue trauma; no foreign substance or toxicology; no hint of a struggle. But Bodycount Bernice was punctilious and preferred to weigh all options.

      A cinch like the current case deserved a second take, a skeptic’s touch. I liked to measure reactions, test the atmosphere surrounding death. And I sensed immediately this was not your average open-shut file.

      Most murders are committed close to home, I elaborated. Accidents too. Makes you wonder if it’s safe to get out of bed.

      Heaving the girth of an over-the-hill crime fighter aloft, I hobbled to the door. Bad circulation.

      My lumbar ached, yet I was motivated to poke further into the life of a private unpopular stiff kneeling with his face in the toilet, seat propped on his neck, bare tiles betwixt the door and commode slick with a dumped gallon of cloying strawberry shampoo. It was an ideal case for one of those proper British female snoops on Mystery my wife fancied. (I enjoyed a good foibled American sleuth myself.)

      I had filled the bathroom portal studying the topography, wrestling a combination of hysterics and morbid fascination. Death by toilet. That’s a new one, I ribbed Bernice. Should spice up your coroner’s report. If it wasn’t assisted.

      I shuffled aside so my forensic-pathologist sweetheart could photograph the scene, bag potential evidence.

      I’m betting he fell in. Check the skid. She pointed a latexed finger.

      Horizontal, I endorsed. We were a team, like Mulder and Scully.

      Pausing on the Smith doorstep, scowling, I harrumphed, There’s a question I should ask but I forgot to write it down. It’ll come to me.

      I ruminated, grimacing. The steel trap was vacant. I could hear the ocean between my ears. I couldn’t resist another feeble stab at humor. Heck of a thing. He was flushed to death. Lousy way to go. Twinkling eyes mirrored my mirth. I didn’t smile.

      Their expressions were priceless.

      I knew the type. Probably into dogs or trout. Streetwise caution compelled me to spy through a hedge. The oaf exited my chosen address, climbed into a sagging machine and cranked a weary engine. After he backed from the driveway, I sprinted to the family’s yard. He lingered, coach idling. I met the stranger’s gaze, my body rigid. His vehicle eased along the curb and parked. He watched, a statue of silent inspection. Self-conscious, I slunk into bushes lining the foundation.

      Creak. Thud. Legs appeared. Ascending my adopted stoop, he knuckled the door.

      Detective.

      I won’t detain you. Remembered what I needed to ask. Do you have a cat? Black? White crescent moon above its eyes?

      Busted. I had seen my reflection on windows, mirrors. I matched the description.

      He’s hiding in your shrubs. There was a fresh paw print on the bathroom floor, beyond a puddle of shampoo. Definitely a cat.

      Curses! I shoulda rubbed that out. No one’s purrrfect, I groused.

      Our neighbor owned a black one. Guess the poor thing’s hungry, Family Man acknowledged.

      Okay then. I’ll let you get to work. Have a nice day. Cat Hater approached. Here kitty. The ox emitted a sneeze. Doggone allergies. And trumpeted goosily into a handkerchief.

      I streaked from foliage and melted out of sight, scurrying to my former yard, the site of arrant dishevelry, traipsed and uprooted by strangers.

      Darting beneath a broken lattice that fenced a gloom-shrouded base, I cowered as the lunk circled Creep’s house then klutzily clomped inside. Footsteps groaned, halted directly over my refuge. I lounged moodily on my stomach, legs gathered, feeling secure the man would not invade my sanctum.

      A toilet flushed. Liquid channeled pipes. Attitude somber, hoping the clod’s friends had already removed my master-piece, I contemplated the dirt and roamed to a dream alley of copious nooks with no ghastly depraved cadavers soaking headfirst in basins.

      Were I the culprit, Demon Miller was as much the villain, the purveyor of his own doom. Sure, I organized his slaying, even made it look unmeditated, impromptu. I would not, however, accept full credit. Miller drove me to it. I plead insanity. An abundant imbalance of neurons.

      Try coexisting with someone who opted for nothing but reality programs! Talk about tunnel vision! I would click the remote when he wasn’t there and savor a movie, some toons, a rousing cat-food commercial.

      If Maniac was home, not accumulating surplus energy behind a convenience-store counter, not hypnotized by his picture screen, the ogre would deposit stinky socks in my basket. Rearrange the environment so my comfort zone would be disrupted. Sprinkle pepper, red chili powder on the carpet and furniture.

      He swept dust at me, ate my meals. Attached shoes, maracas, a live crab to my tail. Glued and feathered my fur, paperclipped my whiskers. The beast dressed me up like a doll!

      As if the aforetold violations weren’t enough, the lunatic ambushed me. Chased me with power tools, glittery blades, a horsewhip. Then shrieked to manifest my true identity, unveil my cryptic shape-shifted soul.

      Do you comprehend by now the extent of anguish and cruelty I was subjected to?

      But it wasn’t just me. Demon lured other strays to his lair — gullible adolescents, handicapped hitchhikers, geriatrics picked up at rec centers or parks — the vulnerable and weak.

      Torturing them, Miller forced me to glimpse his atrocities locked in a cramped wire coop. Eventually I snapped. Who can blame a gal for going a trifle berserk under such conditions?

      Only a wretch like that detective sifting the crime scene for clues! He might blow the whistle, summon the pound, order a lethal injection.

      And then there was Rover, who would relish an opportunity to devour me for lunch.

      With haughty indolent feline aloofness, I suppressed these worries. My motto and philosophy of life: Nap on it.

      The conniving impudent vermin managed to squirm her way into my territory! Meowing pathetically, pretending to be starved. Sneakily pilfering chow from my bowl. What an act! I caught a whiff of her despicable odor. Cat hairs contaminated my water dish. I was literally fit to be tied so they did, granting her the run of the place! She didn’t fool me. The rodent-taunting charlatan had nine lives and an equal number of faces!

      I would stare inside, smearing the glass door as they fawned, lavished affection, heaped strokes — my strokes — upon the creature . . . bamboozled, swindled, smitten by her charms. Why couldn’t they be the kind of dog-lovers who loathed cats? While Midnight (her Smith name) blinked at me, their discarded pet, and imperiously yawned.

      I barked, jumping on the door, attempting to warn them she was not so precious and adorable. For this valiant effort they scolded me.

      Sulking, adapting to a future of seclusion, I reclined before a cheap plastic doghouse purchased to compensate my loss of habitat. The brazen witchcat had to go!

      But wait, I smelled an accomplice, a confederate in my battle for domain.

      The hedge rattled as a sneezing buffoon awkwardly pitched past a border of twigs and leaves, tumbling into the yard. Good dog, the shmuck condescendingly praised. Or was he scared?

      I had seen the cop staking out my turf, tiptoeing after the cat, misguided toward various disasters. A rake handle, a fire-ant colony. The tripwire perimeters of flowers. A wasp hive. Brow-beating branches. A pile of lost marbles.

      Though his clumsical methods lacked technique, the lumpy limping swollen guy’s suspicions leaned in the right direction. That furball was trouble, and I intended to prove it.

      Rudder flapping, I bounded the limit of my leash to slurp the man’s bruised dour mug.

      Hi, me again. Spoke with you last week? I wanted to ask some more questions, if you don’t mind. The wife unlatched a chain. I brushed into her cheerful abode, shaking off a clouded drabness that mantled the day. Hubby was at work, Junior being educated (Health and Hygiene Class, I hoped).

      We proceeded to the living-room and resumed our seats, the same exact positions. Remember anything else about your neighbor? I toweled pooch slobber off my cheeks with the bottom of my tie.

      As we said, he was quiet and kept to himself. Sara paused. I did hear metal scraping stone around Three A.M., if it helps. A month ago.

      You never can tell. I recorded the tidbit.

      Strangely, I heard similar noises in recent nights.

      That would be me. I deducted her later comment as irrelevant.

      Offering tea, the cordial hostess hopped up to serve a platter, politely not mentioning my stings or contusions.

      I nibbled a cookie. Then recalled Benjy and my appetite vanished. I was glad I had eaten extra that morning.

      At breakfast, Bernice wryly suggested I ink the cat’s feet to compare with the print by Miller’s toilet. Not that it would determine cause of death, she dismissed. It’s entirely circumstantial.

      Are you implying that I’m stuck?

      No, dear. I was trying to make you smile, Bernie teased. You’ve been preoccupied with this case. Sitting in a dead man’s bathroom. Pacing through his house. Arriving home middle of the night with grass stains and a runny nose from surveilling his pet. Are you taking your allergy medicine?

      Yes. And I’m positive the cat was involved. I simply can’t prove it, I grumbled, and filched a fourth cherry pastry for the road.

      The cat print intrigued me, wedged in my craw. I was asphyxiated with the urge to cough up an explanation, spit out a plausible assumption for the feline’s presence. Curiosity? I prided myself on never settling for trite theories that excluded an element of surprise. Okay, most cases were mundane, but I prayed for the uncommon.

      Visually scouring the premises, I nonverbally pondered what they did for entertainment without T.V.

      A cache of parlor games satisfied the riddle.

      Jumbles of books tallied additional proof The Smiths were not your typical everyday family.

      Sipping her tea, the lady mildly interrogated: Have you moved into his house, Detective?

      What? I sneezed and slopped caffeine on my shirt, despite holding the porcelain cup and saucer near my chin. Aaahh!

      Are you all right? The Stepford Wife reflexively boinged off her couch, equipped with a tidy stack of serviettes.

      Excuse me, I’m fine. Swabbing with a damp tie (the hanky I carried was predisposed), I accepted embossed paper napkins to mop my bulging burned gut. And, uh, no ma’am, I haven’t. Moved in. Next door. I just spend a lot of time there, I stammered. Searching for answers.

      We see you in the windows, she accused, and the yard. Sinking to the davenport, she smoothed her skirt. Sometimes I sense it’s my family who’s under observation. As if your scrutiny were focused upon our house, not his. She sat forward. Are we suspects?

      No, certainly not. Bernice, my bride, thinks I’m obsessed with the matter and I must admit, the cat — I mean the case — really has me stumped. I feel I’ve only grazed the surface of this Miller fella’s life. It’s a mystery.

      Fibers tickled sinuses. Dander irritated eyes. I blotted leaky nasal plumbing with a saturated wad of napkins and sneezed explosively.

      I notice you’ve been feeding his orphan, I alleged.

      It seemed the humane thing to do.

      Is it here now?

      I don’t know where she’s gone. Probably home to mourn. It’s so sad.

      Yeah. A glib voice betrayed my level of sympathy. Zero.

      The woman escorted me to her door. Good luck, Detective MacNamara.

      It’s MacKowski, I corrected.

      The door closed firmly.

      Maybe I was overstaying my welcome. I would have to be more discreet. Honking into my handkerchief, I scuffed to Miller’s house beneath a leaden drizzle.

      "Me-ow! Mee-oow! Me-ouch!" Dogbreath brutishly lodged a foot square on my tail, interrupting a midday prowl. It had rained slightly. Air tasted fishy. I was serenading the songbirds that jabbered in the branches of an oak. Rags — appropriate assessment — chewed his tether to bushwhack me along the side of the house.

      Drooling cur! Blithering bowser! I squalled and dove to my ancient hunting ground, which reeked of that two-legged moron who enjoyed skulking in my wake.

      The mangy moose popped out of a foxhole dredged to covertly monitor my jaunts. (Poised on a windowsill, I had amewsedly supervised his excavations while he sweated evenings spading soil.)

      The ditch digger tediously clambered from a soggy trench and pursued. I sprinted to the sidewalk, a pair of bloodhounds briefly on my trail, and leapt chainlinks thwarting Muttly, trotted up a rail and vaulted from a porch, skipped roof to roof an agile gymnast, sprang nimbly fence to lawn, then squeezed between loose planks into an alley.

      I strutted triumphant, head and exclamation-mark high.

      The dratted detective lumbered to the alley from a cross street.

      Fur bristling, spine arched, caudal extremity puffed, I confronted the idiot. Releasing a yowl I charged. The galoot fled. This was fun! Like the time I nudged a brick off the roof when he was crouched below.

      I cherished the romps with Blunderbutt so enormously, I failed to complete my agenda. It would be an inside job, having infiltrated the family’s defenses and displaced their guard dog.

      Fido bayed, encouraging the fuzz to stand his ground, hinder my flight. I sat on my haunches, both ends of the alley restricted, and idly lapped a forepaw. Amateurs. No one gets the best of me.

      When my monster-master provoked me beyond the brink of no return — Why, you inquire, did I stay? Why does the kicked dog wag or the clock cuckoo sing? — I embarked on a frenzied feral rampage, committing cat-revenge against all who ever offended me. Topping the list was Demon himself.

      I loosened the bolts for the front wheel of a spandexed bike racer, who often whizzed by from the blue trying to jolt me out of my skin, run over my tail. (He didn’t have a chance with my super audibilities, but it was the thought that counted.)

      The cyclist rammed a tree trunk, cruising at such velocity as the tire derailed that the momentum cleaved his helmet in half.

      A malevolent loudmouth, whose hobby was spraying me with a hose, got electrocuted by the power line leading to his house which abruptly contacted his swimming pool. Dead man floating.

      The walrus who squirted poison to prevent my stalking among his weeds is pushing up daisies after I stuffed a lifeless rat in his exhaust. He succumbed to carbon-monoxide fumes during a traffic jam, unable to lower his luxury sedan’s automatic windows. I might’ve had a paw in the malfunction.

      Retaliating the marbles that targeted my daily excursions, a teen delinquent slingshooter received an aerial assault of hissing, clawing, biting. His remnants, carted to the hospital, were papier-mâchéd head to foot. I snuck in and severed Mummy Boy’s life-support tubes for a crafty finish.

      Miss Glamorous, a robed frump who ritually unleashed her pit bulls Precious and Pearl to ravage the region, was bubbled by a sudsy soap opera on a mini television that splashed in her tub.

      The spree culminated with a moonlit sonata, my conniption cat fit outside the Smith’s door for never hearing my cries of agony, never heeding my tormented calls. They were last but not least and their penalty would be steep.

      Purrhaps I should get rid of these thorns in my tootsies as well.

      I growled like a jungle predator, refusing to be captured, and rushed through the detective’s legs. Spike nipped at my heels lunging. The bumpkins crashed.

      Petless, I deemed animal behavior puzzlesome. Miller’s puss was almost mocking, sarcastic. I mulled the situation on an infested sofa, itching my ankles, vaguely aware moderate rain tapped the windows and roof.

      A sneeze was building. I glared at a bottle of allergy tablets, then tampered with the seal and childproof cap to swallow a pill dry. Legs elevated, shoes off, smirched from surveillance, drowsy from exertion — a ridiculous instance of gambolling behind my nemesis — I dozed.

      A-woooooooooo! The dog imitating a wolf.

      I hove to my feet confused and donned scrunched loafers. Murky daylight had dimmed its bulb to dark. Unclipping a pocket flash, I accompanied the beam to a rear exit.

      Precipitation misted my features. The silt-lathered canine proudly waggled his posterior amid mounds of earth.

      Holy moley! I was fond of an occasional pun. It drove Bernice nuts.

      I strolled uneven aisles of an exhumated boneyard, the weathered contours of my visage blank with shock. Miller had been busier than neighbors realized — murdering, mutilating, shoveling dirt over corpses in the wee hours. A closet-worth of skeletons smiled up, relieved to be unburied.

      Good dog. I patted the mud-pup, who shivered with elation. Better report this. A serial killer. No wonder his cat went psycho!

      My phone had perished. Forgot to recharge its battery.

      Tracking mire, I lifted Miller’s receiver and pumped the cradle. No dial tone. I would have to call from my car.

      Objects clattered above. It was a single-story dwelling. Must be an attic. I massaged my neck and flicked lights to illuminate the pigsty. Miller’s effects would require a thorough sweep since he was now recategorized from victim to suspect. Plus, I suddenly had the willies. Frightened orbs peered around doorjambs, the ticker in my chest fibrillating

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