ASK any patriotic British citizen what the best thing about living in this green and pleasant land is, and the answer would undoubtedly be that it is a democracy – a country where we elect our government at the ballot box. Thanks to our famous first-past-the-post system, every single vote made on polling day counts.
Furthermore, because we have a fair and balanced media, the electorate is able to make an informed decision about who to vote for, free from the influence of two-bob news channels packed with government lackeys and hate-filled newspaper articles demonising opposition politicians. British democracy is the envy of the world, a shining beacon that shames other countries. It’s something that all us Brits can be proud of.
Or so Smedley Turpentine thought…
“What I’ve discovered has been a real kick in the ballots, if you’ll pardon my French,” says the 62-year-old Cheshunt bachelor. “With a general election coming up this year, I thought it would be the perfect time to get involved in the democratic process. But I found myself shunned and frozen out at every turn simply because of my unfashionable views and my non-metropolitan lifestyle.”
And the unemployed former abattoir worker has this chilling warning for UK voters: “Our political system is a racket. The parties might claim that membership is open to all, but in reality they are a closed shop.”
“And it boils my piss, if you’ll pardon my French.”
Now Turpentine is set to release his political memoirs, detailing how his brush with democracy has left his reputation in tatters, his finances wrecked, and his police record even longer than it already was. And the book’s conclusion makes grim reading: “There’s every chance we are living in an ex-democracy,” he warns.
Candidate with Destiny
Turpentine’s democratic experiment began at the start of