Emotional Training

Dr. Dror Green Emotional Training Dr. Dror Green, PhD. in psychotherapy, is the director of the Institute of Emotional Training in Kyustendil, Bulgaria. He lives with his family in a small village, where he practices the method of Emotional Training. He is also a musician and illustrator and the author of about 40 books including children's books, novels, short stories and professional books on psychotherapy. "Dr. Green is one of the most unique professionals I have ever met. There is no one like him in our profession, and his thinking is original and creative" (Prof. Haim Omer, Tel Aviv University). Dr. Dror Green Emotional Training The art of creating a sense of a safe place in a changing world Books, Publishers Institute of Emotional Training Copyright © 2011 by Dror Green Books, Publishers and the Institute of Emotional Training Dvorishte Village, Kyustendil 2541, Bulgaria [email protected] All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission from the author except in the case of brief quotations in reviews for inclusion in a magazine, newspaper or broadcast. English editing by Ronna Englesberg ISBN 978-965-7304-1 - www.emotional-training.com Contents Personal introduction 9 A letter to the readers 11 Basic terms 19 Part One: The emotional process 37 Chapter 1: The search for a safe place 39 Chapter 2: The emotional process 51 Chapter 3: Emotional training and practice 73 Part Two: Practice. Seven Emotional skills 87 Chapter 4: Preliminary guidelines 89 Chapter 5: The first emotional skill 101 Chapter 6: The second emotional skill 119 Chapter 7: The third emotional skill 147 Chapter 8: The fourth emotional skill 175 Chapter 9: The fifth emotional skill 211 Chapter 10: The sixth emotional skill 263 Chapter 11: The seventh emotional skill 325 Chapter 12: The theater of life 367 Part Three: applications Chapter 13: In everyday life 423 Improving emotional skills Coping with crises Coping with anxiety Coping with trauma and shell shock Love and happiness Chapter 14: In relationships 429 Emotional Training for couples Emotional Training for parents 421 Emotional Training for singles Emotional Training for social relationships Chapter 15: In professional relationships 433 Doctor-patient relationships Therapeutic relationships Teacher-student relationships Employers-employees relationships Business relationships Performers (musicians, actors) Sports teams Chapter 16: In social systems 439 Educational systems Health systems Social and welfare systems Chapter 17: In political systems 443 Governmental systems Governmental offices and services International relations Military and police organizations Living with minorities and immigrants Coping with racism Chapter 18: In thinking and research 447 Thinking methods Brain research Reading history Understanding human behavior Chapter 19: In the creative arts 451 Creative activities Literature Theater Music Visual arts To Efrat, my partner in this magical journey of Emotional Training, and to Moria, Anada, Yonatan and Maya, from whom I learn something new each day. Personal introduction I did not become a psychotherapist accidentally. Like many other therapists, I was led by my own pain to search for a practical way to cope with my personal crises. Helping others allowed me to share my experience with my clients, and being a therapist was also a legitimate outlet for my never-ending need to understand human nature. After surviving a traumatic childhood, I found myself in 1973 on active duty as a young soldier involved in the war between Israel and Egypt. In spite of being hit by a combat shell, I received no support, nor any therapeutic treatment. Like most PTSD victims, my posttraumatic symptoms became worse over time, constantly affecting my personal and professional life. Nevertheless, I did not give up, and succeeded in acquiring expertise in various fields and a number of academic degrees. I was a musician and designer; a managing director and businessman; a game inventor; a curator of art exhibitions, an illustrator and author; a psychotherapist, lecturer and director of a psychotherapy school. I published about forty books for both children and adults, as well as professional books on psychotherapy. While studying psychotherapy, I became dissatisfied with the theories of Freud and his successors. I tried instead to understand the different approaches to therapy through my personal experience. It was then, as part of the program's course requirements, that I first experienced personal psychotherapy, which I did not find helpful. As I studied the various theories within psychotherapy, I found that they were based on beliefs that could not be tested and proven. In this regard, they seemed to be no different from religious beliefs. I do not doubt the value of belief, but I am not sure that the term 'therapy' is appropriate for something that is based on a mystical belief. In trying to understand why some people find psychotherapy helpful, despite the differences and contradictions among the various kinds of therapy, I arrived at some interesting findings. I researched more than four hundred different psychotherapeutic approaches, and came to the conclusion that therapy is experienced as successful by therapists and clients when the therapist succeeds in creating a 'safe Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training place' for the client. Many therapists intuitively know how to do this. When a 'safe place' is created, the clients are able to recover from their emotional crisis on their own, whatever the approach employed by the therapist. This discovery prompted me to various thoughts about the nature of psychotherapy. Why should I create a 'safe place' for my clients when they confront a crisis in their lives? Why can't I teach them how to create a 'safe place' for themselves, without being dependent on me? When I examined my own life, I found that I had succeeded in overcoming the harsh traumas I'd experienced because I had a natural ability time and time again to create a safe place for myself. I observed my inner processes over a long period in order to understand how they worked. I persevered with this until I could define those emotional skills that could create the sense of a 'safe place'. I was surprised to learn that most approaches to psychotherapy ignore the emotional skills, although there is evidence of their existence in recent neuroscientific research. Eventually, I understood how certain human mechanisms enable us to live in such a hard and terrifying world without losing a sense of security. By exploring these emotional skills, I came to better understand how we cope with reality in all areas of our lives: in intimate relationships, in professional and interpersonal relationships, in culture and art, and so forth. While developing the method of Emotional Training, I also began integrating it into my own life and implementing it in all my activities. Emotional Training has enabled me to cope better with my trauma, have a successful marriage and create a safe place for my children. Emotional Training is a source of creativity in my professional life and in all areas where I wish to apply it. In my work I no longer use the term 'therapy': I help my clients to identify and improve their emotional skills, so they can create their own safe place and realize their potential independently. For me the discovery and development of Emotional Training has been a source of continuous pleasure and excitement. More than just a professional technique, it has become a mission based on the belief that this simple method can help anyone live a more successful life and make the world a better place. A letter to the reader Emotional Training is a simple method that can easily be learned and practiced. In the second part of this book you will find guidelines that will enable you to practice this method and apply it to your everyday life. I have tried to present it as simply as I could, repeating the basic ideas again and again, in order to acquaint you with the new terms. Looking back, I may have put it so simply that it looks almost obvious. Recently I was invited to lecture on Emotional Training. At the end of the lecture, a student from Germany asked me if I could recommend some books and articles that could help her research Emotional Training with children. "Emotional Training for children?" I asked, surprised. "I have just finished writing the first book about Emotional Training, and no one else in the world is practicing my new method." After talking to her, I understood that she was studying psychology and doing a study on children's reactions to stressful situations. My new term, Emotional Training, seemed appropriate to her research topic and she actually adopted it after my lecture. In fact, Emotional Training explains many everyday phenomena in such a simple way as to seem obvious. On the one hand, I am very pleased about this, but on the other hand, as you will discover later, in order to practice Emotional Training you will in fact have to change your concept of human nature and the way you live your life. Emotional Training is based on a new, and revolutionary, concept of human nature and the practice of it is totally different from what you have experienced in the past. In order to clarify this, I will begin by presenting the unique and revolutionary aspects of Emotional Training. No more 'mind' or dualism The concept of dualism has been dominant in Western culture for the past two thousand years. The separation between mind and body is the foundation of the monotheistic religions, and it is accepted as a convention, even for people who do not define themselves as Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training religious. The belief in the existence of the 'mind' and in the separation between mind and body influences all areas of life, although there is no agreed definition of the term 'mind'. Apart for the realm of religion, which still plays a dominant role, the belief in the mind plays a central role in the way we interpret reality and conduct our lives. In the last century Freud's concepts of the mind became widely accepted, and we use them to explain all human phenomena. The influence of these terms is so massive that they play a role in selecting job applicants, validating evidence in court, educating children and interpreting art and literature. At the end of the 20th century, the mystical belief in the existence of the mind contradicts developments and discoveries in neuroscience. However, even though these discoveries explain human nature more accurately than traditional spiritual concepts, we still conduct our lives according to these old beliefs that contradict reality. Even scientists who research the brain and explain every expression of emotion by physical processes that take place in the brain still use the term 'mind', although their work has made it obsolete. Emotional Training is tailored to the reality of the 21st century, and it goes a long way from mystical concepts, the duality of mind and body and the terms 'mind' or 'spirit' or 'soul'. Emotional Training does not relate to 'spiritual' concepts or to any kind of belief, but to the practical way in which you conduct your life every moment of the day. Emotions and emotional skills By definition the vague concept of dualism incorporates the term 'emotion'. It explains why emotions such as love, hate, pain, happiness, sorrow, jealousy, etc. cannot be clearly defined. It also explains why we regard our emotions as irrational and uncontrolled impulses. An attitude such as this towards emotion has fostered the belief that it is uncontrollable. In the past, religious and social doctrine limited our emotional expression, and in the last century 12 A letter to the reader psychotherapy, while pretending to help us control our emotions, in fact enabled therapists to influence and manipulate them. But psychotherapy cannot be really 'therapeutic', since it is impossible to treat something that has no conventional definition ('mind', 'spirit', 'soul') and whose results cannot be validated. This explains the existence of more than 400 different psychotherapeutic approaches that are based on different and sometimes contradictory assumptions. There is no way of knowing which approach is more beneficial or more damaging. Putting one's faith in psychotherapy might even be dangerous, since it might prevent us from improving our emotional skills and controlling our emotions. Unlike the vague, inexact definitions of emotion suggested by psychotherapy, Emotional Training defines it simply and accurately: Emotions are our physical reactions to actual stimuli. We feel them in our bodies, and they help us identify reality, attune ourselves to constant change, avoid danger and choose places where we can feel safe. Emotional Training is based on the existence of natural emotional skills that enable us to attune ourselves to reality and to respond to its stimuli. These emotional skills enable us to create, at any moment in our lives, a sense of safety that helps us cope with the natural death anxiety that threatens to paralyze us. Without our emotional skills, we cannot survive in the world. No one has taught us how to be aware of these skills and how to improve them. This is the cause of the many crises we have to cope with during our lives. Discovering our emotional skills totally changes the way we cope with reality, enabling us for the first time to control our emotions and improve our sense of security. The goal of Emotional Training is to provide an efficient way to improve and maintain these skills. A new concept of human nature The dualistic culture that separates body and mind regards all aspects of life as positive or negative: good or bad, truth or falsehood, health or illness. This point of view has created a distorted concept of human 13 Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training nature based on the distinction between health and pathology. In various historical periods, this enabled powerful people to control others. Those holding power have always been the leaders, priests, physicians and psychologists who have defined 'health' and controlled the lives of 'sick' people. As a result, people who thought or behaved in an unconventional way were isolated or excluded from society. In the present such people are 'treated' in order to adapt them to the needs of society. The distinction between health and pathology has created the culture of 'cures' or 'therapy', in which the class of 'therapists' treats the class of 'sick' people. This culture is based on life crises that occur in everyone's life, forcing us to repair our failings retroactively. We approach physicians when we are sick. We approach psychologists and psychotherapists when we cannot control our emotions, and we approach experts and ask them to fix tools that do not function or relationships that have gone wrong. The dual concept of health and pathology is a negative way of viewing human nature that ignores natural processes that take place in reality. On the other hand, Emotional Training is grounded in a positive view of human nature. It is based on the assumption that our natural death anxiety keeps us temporarily out of danger, but at the same time paralyzes us from action on a daily basis. In order to cope with death anxiety, we constantly try to create a sense of security. Emotional skills can help us do just that. Emotional Training is a way of life that constantly enables us to cope with death anxiety and prevent those crises that force us to look for 'cures' or 'repairs'. Emotional Training is based on the assumption that we can take responsibility for our deeds, bodies, health and emotions, and that we do not have to be dependent on others when coping with anticipated crises. A new understanding of rationality Three hundred years ago, Rene Descartes laid the foundation for rational thinking, changing the understanding of reality and creating a 14 A letter to the reader new platform for scientific development, thus bringing about an apparently new approach to human nature. However, although rational thinking seemed to contradict mystical, religious, thinking, Descartes reinforced the dualistic approach by applying it to his new ideas of rational thinking. Incorporating dualism as part of rational thinking also strengthened the false concept of emotions as irrational manifestations of human nature. As rationalist ideas spread, they also created a demonic and negative image of human emotions. People began to believe that they could control their lives rationally by suppressing their emotions. Many generations were educated and brainwashed to prefer rational arguments to emotional intuitions, and even in the 21st century being 'emotional' is considered unacceptable behavior. The result of this misconception has been that we are not aware of our emotional skills, and our natural ability to make effective use of our emotional skills has been repressed. Emotional Training is based on a new model of the emotional process of which rational thinking (cognitive awareness) is an integral part. Thinking plays a significant role in our ability to identify and improve our emotional skills, but by itself it does not create any emotional change and does not enable us to control our emotional processes. Rational thinking can in fact only serve to maintain and improve our emotional process; this where Emotional Training comes in. Emotional Training is based on the idea that not rationality, but the emotional process is the main motivating force in our lives, serving us as an autopilot. A way of life In order to practice Emotional Training efficiently, we must get rid of the habit of solving problems after they are actually created. Emotional Training is designed to prevent difficulties and crises before they appear; it does not deal with solving problems or repairing failures. The common concept of anticipating crises (the crisis of 15 Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training adolescence, the mid-life crisis, the crisis following retirement, crises caused by illness, accidents, relocation, etc.) has given rise to a whole industry of techniques and manuals for coping with these disorientating events. Many experts, including physicians, psychiatrists, psychologists, psychotherapists, counselors and coaches are prepared to help us deal with our problems and crises. Many books, users' manuals and 'spiritual' workshops offer solutions to our problems. These tend to focus on the past, on fixing our impaired functioning. Emotional Training is an ongoing life's work. It is an endless, simple process. Like methods originating in the East (such as Taoism), Emotional Training focuses on the here-and-now and always looks forward. It is a way of life that asks us to attune ourselves to our surroundings minute by minute, take responsibility for our lives, let go of anything that harms us and choose only what can benefit us, so we can improve our lives and prevent anticipated crises. Who needs Emotional Training? Emotional Training is not another method of solving problems but a new concept that is relevant to all aspects of our lives. It is not a world-view which is based on belief or ideology or norms of behavior, but a method that enables us to be acquainted with our own nature and realize our potential. The assumption that we are motivated by the need to reduce death anxiety and create a sense of safety enables us to identify and understand the emotions that operate within us. Becoming familiar with the emotional process affords us a better understanding of the various levels of human culture and their role in our lives: social, political, religious and commercial systems, science and the various expressions of creative art. By practicing emotional skills on a daily basis we can improve our sense of safety in the world, our relationships with others and our ability to realize our potential for 16 A letter to the reader happiness. While improving the life of each individual, Emotional Training can also improve our social skills, especially our empathy. In this way it can strengthen human civilization and lead to a more tolerant world, replacing violence with cooperation. By improving our empathic skills we will also upgrade our functioning in the biosphere and our ability to maintain the ecological systems in our world. The practice of Emotional Training improves the social systems to which we belong and helps us modify our energy consumption and cope better with global warming. Emotional Training affords us a better understanding of human nature and gives meaning to our lives, helping us identify reality and attune ourselves to its changes and control our lives in a simple and efficient way. It is an easy and practical way to raise children, improve domestic interaction and conduct our interpersonal relationships. Through Emotional Training we can improve children's scholastic performance, reduce the level of violence and make children enthusiastic partners in the learning process. Emotional Training can improve many systems based on interpersonal relationships, such as medical, legal, political, social, educational or commercial structures. It also enables us to integrate creative activity into our lives and interpret art from a new point of view. Emotional Training enables us to understand new discoveries in neuroscience and implement them in our daily lives. It is in tune with 21st century developments in the fields of communications, energy and the social and political systems, including the internet revolution and the social networks that have changed the balance and status of national and market forces. Today, more than any other time in history, Emotional Training can enable us to take responsibility for our lives and be a part of what is happening in our world. In the third part of this book, I will describe options for applying Emotional Training to various aspects of interpersonal relations, research, art and creativity. 17 Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training I invite you to join me on this new exciting path that will allow you to discover your emotional skills and learn how to use them effectively to improve your life. 18 Basic terms Emotional Training is based on a new, revolutionary concept of human nature, which will be presented in the first part of the book through the model of the emotional process. This concept is easy to understand and is based on terms that are familiar to everyone and that you can recognize by simply observing the world around you. But although the basic terms of Emotional Training are simple and almost obvious, it is difficult to apply them due to our dogmatic beliefs and concepts that get in the way. The worldview of Emotional Training does not deny or reject other belief systems or approaches, even when they seem to differ from or even contradict it. Emotional Training is based on the assumption that we need beliefs and concepts in order to survive, and that we can adjust them to reality. Emotional Training does not criticize other approaches, neither does it preach moral principles or values. It is a practical approach providing a model that will enable you to review your beliefs and values and attune them to reality in your own way. If you are prepared to give Emotional Training a try, forget for the moment your private and familiar interpretations of the terms listed below. Then you will be able to learn and understand how I use them in this book. By thinking differently about these familiar terms - as is true in any learning process - you will actually experience the essence of Emotional Training. The method of Emotional Training can serve as a map that will help you reach new destinations or find an easier way to reach familiar ones. The short list of basic terms that appears below provides signs and symbols that will help you read this map. Mind (psyche, spirit, soul) It is not a coincidence that I chose not to use the term 'mind' in this book. Firstly, there is no common definition of this term and it inhabits the realm of mystery as something that cannot be observed by any kind of research. Secondly, Western culture separates mind and Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training body (which is known as 'the psychophysical problem') and the term 'mind' is grounded in this dualistic concept. Such a separation has formed the basis of the monotheistic religions and has become part and parcel of 20th century culture by means of Freudian psychoanalytic theory. The psychophysical problem has no place in Emotional Training, which attributes all our emotional activity (see 'Emotions') to physical processes. The Emotional Training method does not deny or validate the existence of 'spiritual' entities such as 'mind' or 'soul' or 'spirit', but it does alert us to the danger of attributing emotional characteristics to such ephemeral concepts. The association between emotions and 'mind' might even be dangerous, since mystical definitions of the term 'mind', which cannot be observed or proved, enable charlatans to offer 'treatments' or manipulations that might be damaging. It is important to distinguish between Emotion Training and the beliefs and theories that integrate 'mind' and emotions. Emotional Training introduces the emotional processes, and the practice of improving them, by using simple terms that relate only to physical processes. The term 'mind' does not exist in the vocabulary of Emotional Training. Emotions Emotions are physical responses to external stimuli that create a sense of anxiety or safety at various levels. We respond to everything that happens around us: changes in the weather, meetings with friends, the food we eat or various smells. Our response, which we refer to as an 'emotion', always expresses itself in physical sensations somewhere in our bodies (rapid breathing, pressure in the chest, 'butterflies in the stomach', headaches, etc.). Our physical responses express the level of anxiety or safety created by external stimuli. We can classify them as positive pleasant sensations that create a sense of security and relaxation, or as negative, unpleasant sensations that create anxiety and physical stress. Basic terms Emotion, therefore, is a simple and primitive response, merely indicating the level of anxiety or safety evoked by each stimulus, and nothing else. We label emotions with names (anger, compassion, shame, love, revenge, happiness), in accordance with the level of anxiety or safety they create. We call the highest level of anxiety 'depression', and the highest level of safety 'love'. Emotions are the tools that enable us to examine how well we are adjusted to reality. Positive emotions reveal a high degree of adjustment, while negative emotions indicate incompatibility. Any disruption in the activity of our emotions, such as trauma or brain damage, will prevent us from being aware of our adjustment to reality and will damage our ability to function efficiently. Emotional Training enables us to identify and control our emotional responses. Emotion is a physical response to any stimulus from reality, and we can feel it as a sensation of anxiety or safety. Reality The world around us, which we can identify through our five senses, is the reality in which we live. Reality includes all natural phenomena, flora and fauna, climactic changes, outer space and human society. Reality is constantly changing, every minute of the day, and we also change in an attempt to adjust ourselves to it as well as we can. Our ability to identify and observe reality is limited. Even modern scientific achievements make it possible to identify only a small part of it, including what really goes on inside our bodies. When perceiving reality, our reliance on our limited senses, knowledge and understanding causes us to experience a sense of ambiguity and anxiety. This constantly changing reality is the source of many dangers. There are changes that we cannot anticipate, phenomena that we cannot control, such as storms, earthquakes, lightning and various natural disasters. Thus, we exist in a reality that is often the source of a natural existential anxiety. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training We are born with a limited ability to identify reality and to adjust to its changes. The quality of our lives and the level of happiness we achieve depend on our ability to rapidly change and attune ourselves to changes in reality. Although we can improve this ability, we were never taught how to do it, and this is the source of many crises we face during our lives. The main purpose of Emotional Training is to help us identify and improve the skills which can help us attune ourselves better to reality. Our sense of safety depends on our ability to attune ourselves to the never-ending changes of reality. Crisis In the course of our lives, each of us experiences crises that impair our functioning. A crisis is created when a huge gap widens between our daily routine and reality. We might experience a crisis when our habits no longer suit our time of life. Some examples of this: as teenagers we continue to behave as children while we are required to 'grow up' and adjust ourselves to the adult world; we are liable to suffer from overweight if we do not change our eating habits in middle age; we retire from work without being prepared for this major life change. We experienced a crisis when we do not attune our relationships to changes over time. This happens to many couples who routinely go through life with a false sense of security, until they ultimately realize that they have nothing in common. We also experience a crisis when a close friend abandons us suddenly, without our being aware of the circumstances leading up to this. We also experience physical crises, such as illness or disability when we continue our usual routine while ignoring symptoms and changes in our bodies. Furthermore, many crises in our lives are the result of accidents, natural disasters, changes in life routines that are forced upon us by others or events that we did not anticipate. Crises damage our lives, generate anxiety and force us to invest large amounts of energy in recreating a safe life routine. Emotional Basic terms Training enables us to attune ourselves to reality on a daily basis and prevent crises. It also teaches us to cope efficiently with crises and use them as an opportunity for positive change. Crises represent our incompatibility with reality. Adaptation, adjustment and attunement Like all other living creatures, human beings are capable of adapting themselves to reality. This makes it possible for us to survive in a constantly changing world, where the balance of power is not fixed. Except for the evolutional genetic adaptation that maintains the existence of the human race, we also have an individual ability to adapt ourselves to our environment and society by imitation or learning or through the influence of educational systems and indoctrination. This inborn adaptive capacity characterizes us as social creatures, and sometimes contradicts our tendency to individualization. Adaptation enables us to feel secure when we are part of a larger group and can lead us to give up our unique characteristics. In this book I do not use the term 'adaptation', since the aim of Emotional Training is to strengthen the individual's ability to distinguish himself from other people. It also enables us to choose how we want to adjust ourselves to other people and to reality and to be aware of the price we pay when we decide not to do this. Instead of the term 'adaptation', whose optimal expression is assimilation and relinquishing individuality, I prefer to use the terms 'adjustment' and 'attunement'. Whereas adaptation is inborn, something we do automatically from our first breath, our ability to adjust ourselves and attune to reality is not so obvious. We have to be aware of this ability and develop it until it becomes ingrained. This is the goal of Emotional Training. Adjustment is based on consciously distinguishing between our own unique characteristics and the world around us, and choosing our own way of integrating into this reality. For instance, we can adjust ourselves to a specific culture by adopting a similar dress code, Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training adopting common behavioral norms and speaking a common language without giving up our principles and values. Attunement means that we can identify the small changes that continuously occur in reality and constantly adjust ourselves to this process by making minor changes in our behavior. An example is being aware of our children at various stages of development, acknowledging their changing needs and adjusting accordingly the amount of independence they are given. Adaptation enables us survive and avoid crises. Adjustment and attunement help us control this process without losing our individuality. Anxiety Anxiety is not the same as fear because we cannot identify a clear threat that gives rise to it. Anxiety is a physical response that causes us to freeze; it expresses itself as pressure in the chest and breathing difficulty. Sometimes its symptoms are similar to a heart attack. Anxiety is a natural reaction to the dangers of reality, but it cannot be endured for long periods of time. There are two causes of natural anxiety. The first major cause of anxiety is our mortality. We know that we will all die at some indeterminate time in the future, and this knowledge creates anxiety. Death anxiety causes us to ignore death at all costs, along with the need to be prepared for it. But denying the existence of death does not banish it from our lives, but instead engenders fear, aggression or paralysis whenever something in our lives goes wrong. The second main cause of anxiety lies in those natural dangers and unexpected changes in reality that are out of our control. Reality is dangerous and threatening, and it can harm us at any time through natural disasters, accidents, illnesses and unexpected failures. Paradoxically, we tend to cope with anxiety by ignoring such dangers until they are upon us. As stated above, anxiety paralyzes us, and in order to survive and function we do have to ignore it to some extent. Our emotional Basic terms immune system enables us to do this, but ceases to function when we are suffering from trauma. The freezing anxiety is one of the main symptoms of traumatic damage, and we can cope with it by learning how to ignore it. Emotional Training supplies us with tools to strengthen our emotional immune system, enabling us to cope with the traumas or anxiety that we all experience in the course of our lives. Anxiety is a natural physical response to the danger of death that follows us throughout our lives. When anxiety lasts for more than a short time, as happens in cases of trauma, it paralyzes us. A safe place The only way to ignore our unbearable natural anxiety is to create the temporary sense of a safe place. There is of course an element of unreality in this, since in fact reality is never truly safe and we might face a problem or disaster at any time. Nevertheless, we have the unique ability to create the sense of a safe place by controlling our limited segment of reality. Although this control is limited and temporary, it keeps anxiety at bay for a brief time. The search for a safe place is a major life goal that enables us to postpone anxiety, realize our potential and live creative and happy lives. There are many ways in which we can control ourselves and others, and we constantly attempt to feel more secure by increasing our control. We achieve this by accumulating property, security devices, insurance and saving plans, but also by acquiring status and power in an attempt to control others. Relationships are the main area in which we try to attain the sense of a safe place. These include marriage, family, friendship and membership in social, religious, cultural or national organizations. We try to create a sense of safety by developing regular habits, ceremonies and customs that create the illusion of continuity. But in spite of our efforts, we constantly need to face crises that impair our sense of safety and generate anxiety. The reason for this is obvious: although anxiety causes us to hold onto a temporary sense of Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training safety, reality keeps changing all the time. As the gap widens between our sense of safety and reality, the risk of a crisis increases. The main goal of Emotional Training is to improve our natural ability to create the sense of a safe place. Emotional Training teaches us the new skill of maintaining constant change and creating the sense of a safe place in our interactions with other people or with reality, while not allowing the gap to widen. Our ability to create a fictional sense of a safe place enables us to cope with anxiety, as long as we do it continuously. A false safe place The sense of a safe place is always disappointing (being largely fictional) but essential, as it prevents existential anxiety from paralyzing us and enables us to live creative and happy lives. However, the safe place is only viable when it is continuously attuned to changing reality. When our safe place is not attuned to reality, it becomes a false safe place. All our habits, ceremonies and patterns actually create a false sense of security. Even when they are removed from reality, these false safe places can be effective for a short time, sometimes even for many years. But they will ultimately lead to crisis, and the less attuned to reality they are, so will the inevitable crisis be more powerful. Our tendency to create false safe places can cause us to neglect our marriage, continue working at an unsuitable job or cling to unrealistic ideas and beliefs. Emotional Training enables us to continuously identify our false safe places so that we can re-attune them and prevent anticipated crises. When not attuned to reality, habits and ceremonies that we cling to in order to create the sense of a safe place can lead to crisis by creating a false sense of safety. Basic terms The basic instinct We are born with an instinct that helps us preserve our lives in face of dangerous situations. This is the basic instinct of 'fight or flight' that protected our ancestors from wild animals and other threats thousands of years ago. The basic instinct recruits all our physical resources and paralyzes part of our physiological systems, so that we can attack or run. Thanks to this basic instinct, prehistoric man could avoid predators and create a secure environment. The basic instinct halts the normal balance and stability of our body, mind and nervous system, but it is effective for a limited time only. Excessive use of the basic instinct can impair our physical balance and cause stress and anxiety, leading to side effects such as breathing difficulties, high blood pressure, heart attacks and so forth. Although the basic instinct is no longer necessary in the 21st century, it still affects us. It automatically causes us to react too aggressively, sometimes upsetting our self-image as rational human beings. It can disrupt our lives by making us behave in extreme ways, like harming those we love or running away from situations and people that could improve our lives. The higher our level of anxiety, the more our basic instinct comes into play, disrupting our physical activity, leading us to live under constant tension and damaging our natural abilities. In order to neutralize the damaging influence of the basic instinct, we have to substitute emotional skills in order to control responses brought about by anxiety. This is the essence of Emotional Training. The basic instinct is a damaging, paralyzing response which is not necessary in the 21st century. The emotional process As stated above, emotions are physical responses to external stimuli that influence our behavior. Usually emotions (by way of the emotional skills) are only part of the four-stage emotional process that examines the stimuli we perceive and determines the way we will act Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training and behave. Although neuroscience is essential for understanding the emotional process, I will not relate to the role of the brain and nervous system in this process; Emotional Training is not based on understanding, but on doing. The emotional process can be described by a graphic and metaphoric model that describes the stages of perceiving and processing data from reality until they influence our actions, indicating our level of attunement to reality. It is an easy-tounderstand model that is neither 'true' nor 'scientific', but can be applied to daily experience. Becoming familiar with this process can help us distinguish between its various stages, letting us identify where we can intercede in the process in order to improve it and attune ourselves to changing reality. The emotional process is based on four parts: 1. Emotional awareness – the rational ability that enables us to be aware of ourselves and our cognitive processes. 2. Emotional skills – the undeveloped skills that enable us to create a sense of a safe place and cope with death anxiety. 3. Personal narrative - our personal story that serves as a map with which we can navigate reality and that is created by our emotional skills. 4. The emotional system - a primitive system that identifies stimuli from reality in accordance with our personal narrative and instructs our emotional skills how to operate. The emotional process is automatic and does not require our direct intervention. Emotional Training identifies those emotional skills that have been neglected and that constitute the only means of accessing and influencing the emotional process. A precondition of Emotional Training is to become familiar with the emotional process. It enables us to understand the gap between rational thinking and the way we act in reality and to identify our Basic terms emotional reactions and their origins without relying on mystical explanations. It allows us for the first time to learn how to improve our emotional process and our attunement to reality through simple daily practice. The emotional process is a metaphor explaining our attunement to changes in reality. Cognitive awareness Cognitive awareness (or 'consciousness') is a unique human characteristic that enables us to think rationally, explain reality and review our thinking processes. Cognitive awareness is essential when communicating with other people. Cognitive awareness is the tip of the iceberg of the emotional process that enables us to identify reality and the way we interpret it, observe our physical activity and understand our emotional process. But contrary to common belief (based on Freudian theory) that awareness of emotional unconscious motives frees us from unwanted symptoms, the influence of cognitive awareness is minor. Cognitive awareness may enable us to raise our hands or enjoy a sunset, but it does not enable us to cure illnesses or change autonomic processes. Automatic emotional activity, which navigates us through life, cannot be changed through cognitive awareness. But, although cognitive awareness does not directly influence our emotional activity, it plays a significant role, since it enables us to identify our emotional skills and practice improving them. Cognitive awareness is rationality that enables us to think and understand. It does not influence our emotional process, but helps us identify and improve it. Emotional skills The only way to create a sense of a safe place and cope with death anxiety is through our emotional skills, which play a dual role in the Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training emotional process. Emotional skills are responsible for the way we communicate internally, with others and with our environment. They enable us to attune ourselves as best we can to changes in reality. Among the four stages of the emotional process, the emotional skills stage is the only one that influences our activities and behavior and also the only one that can be continually improved. Unlike the basic instinct, the emotional skills are not inborn. They develop slowly through learning and are influenced by others. The emotional skills generally develop casually and unintentionally, and we tend to abandon most of them. Everything we do in our lives is a reflection of our emotional skills. Without constantly practicing and controlling them, they will become out of step with changes in reality, leading us to crisis due to our unchanging habits and patterns. In my research I identified and defined seven basic emotional skills that influence all spheres of life. These are not the only possible definitions and they can be adapted and redefined according to individual needs and understanding. The emotional skills play a dual role in the emotional process. They respond naturally to stimuli and guide our behavior. They also create our personal narrative, which is the map that enables us to navigate through reality. The aim of Emotional Training is to form the basis for the day-to-day attunement of one's emotional skills to changes in reality. The emotional skills are the only part of the emotional process which we can change and improve. The seven emotional skills, which are not inborn, enable us to create a sense of a safe place and protect us from existential anxiety. Emotional awareness Emotional awareness differs from cognitive awareness and is the first emotional skill. It is intended to enable us to identify our emotions, in other words, our simple physical responses, positive or negative, to Basic terms external stimuli. Emotional awareness neutralizes cognitive awareness, which causes us to revert to analyses and explanations that interfere with our being in touch with what our bodies are experiencing. Emotional awareness enables us to identify our feelings as we experience them, thereby creating a map of emotional experience in our brains, with which we navigate our emotional process and improve it. Emotional awareness precedes the other emotional skills, and also plays an active part in each of them. The practice of emotional awareness resembles techniques of meditation, breathing and introspection, all of which are free of critical thinking. Emotional awareness neutralizes cognitive awareness and enables us to observe our physical sensations. Empathy Although empathy is part of the third emotional skill, it plays a central role in Emotional Training, since it is inborn and connects our emotional process directly to the emotional process of other people and to the biosphere. Empathy is our unique ability to feel other people's feelings, pain and anxieties as if we were experiencing them ourselves. Empathy is not the same as identification or sympathy, as we can empathize with people who are intrinsically different from us or even with people whom we dislike. Empathy is the ability to temporarily put our own beliefs and concepts on hold and observe the world through other people's eyes. Scientists have recently discovered the mirror neuron (or empathy gene) that governs the phenomenon of empathy and can be found in new-born babies and even in monkeys. Empathy enables us to retain our individuality, while at the same time overcoming our natural anxiety and communicating with others. Empathy explains the development of civilization by contradicting the belief that human nature is selfish and utilitarian. But while empathy is a necessary condition for the development of civilization, it is Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training reduced by situations of anxiety, causing us to become less tolerant and more aggressive towards anyone who is different from us. By improving our empathic skill we can reduce anxiety and better attune ourselves to others and to the environment, cope better with our anxieties, create the sense of a safe place, and in the long run help ensure the survival of human culture and civilization. Empathy is our inborn skill of feeling what other people are feeling, and it is a precondition for civilization. Emotional system The primitive emotional system is the third stage of the emotional process. It is a simple device that receives external stimuli, decides if they are positive or negative and reports its conclusions to the emotional skills, which react accordingly (through our physical activity, behavior, senses and understanding). The emotional system is not critical and has no stance concerning the data it examines. In order to determine if it is positive or negative, it compares each stimulus to the personal narrative map. For instance, if I meet a man with a black mustache, and my personal narrative map indicates a neighbor with a black mustache who hit me when I was a child, my emotional system will interpret this stimulus as negative information, and will guide my emotional skills to be wary of this man. The emotional system does not scrutinize personal narrative data, but invariably accepts them at face value, even when they contradict reality or cause us to be unsuccessful. An example of this would be if I lost an important deal because my business associate reminded me of a neighbor who hit me when I was a child. The primitive emotional system is not subject to change, so in order to prevent such misrepresentations we have to modify our personal narrative by means of the emotional skills. Basic terms The primitive emotional system receives external stimuli and distinguishes positive stimuli from dangers. Personal narrative The personal narrative is the fourth stage of the emotional process, and it is the database or map by means of which we act and react to external stimuli. Our life experiences create a narrative map in our brain in the same way as a pianist who practices a virtuoso piece creates a map in his brain of his fingers' movements, allowing him to play automatically. Our narrative map includes stories that allow us to explain the world around us, recollect our personal history and describe our beliefs, dreams and expectations. The stories are the data which are fed into the map, which constitutes the software that activates us. Each of us has a unique narrative map that documents our special experiences in the world. When it receives external stimuli, the primitive emotional system checks them according to the personal narrative map, judging if they are positive or negative and sending a message to the emotional skills that will translate them into the language of action. Thus, the personal narrative determines the way we decode the messages of reality and respond to them. So the better the narrative is attuned to the changes in reality, the better we can identify external stimuli and react more appropriately, thereby preventing anxiety and creating the sense of a safe place. Over the last two decades, the term 'narrative' has become popular in various fields, and in newer approaches of narrative psychotherapy, clients are asked to cope with crises by being the authors of their stories and changing them. But just as there is no basis for the psychoanalytic assumption that awareness eliminates unwanted symptoms, there is no basis for the belief that we can intentionally change our personal narrative. The personal narrative is not influenced by reality or by our cognitive awareness, and it is not created intentionally, but as a result of practicing our emotional skills. The personal narrative is not a story that we tell, but a description of what Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training we actually do. In order to change our personal narrative, we need to identify the emotional skill that created it and change our habits and behavior by means of this emotional skill. That is the work of Emotional Training. The personal narrative is a map documenting our life experience and activating the emotional system. Usually this map is not adjusted to reality. Practice and Emotional Training Emotional Training is not psychotherapy or coaching or any kind of counseling, but consists of individual daily practice. It is a way of life that enables us to constantly improve our emotional skills. It is worthwhile experiencing Emotional Training for the first time with an Emotional Trainer. The theoretical knowledge and guidelines in this book will not help you if you do not practice the seven emotional skills every moment of your life. But you needn't worry, because the ongoing practice is very straightforward and over time will only take a moment of emotional awareness. The small amount of time you will regularly have to invest will pay off, since by improving your emotional skills and learning to create the sense of a safe place, you will prevent anticipated crises and save the time needed to cope with them. But although Emotional Training is much simpler than various forms of psychotherapy or counseling, it is not easy to start off with, as it demands practice and persistence. The more you exercise your emotional skills, the easier it will be to apply them and the benefits will be greater. If you run into any difficulties, just try to forget the theoretical background and carry on with the practice. You cannot fail with Emotional Training, and you can always return and practice it again until it becomes second nature. Emotional Training will improve your emotional skills only if you keep practicing it. Basic terms Emotional immune system Our seven emotional skills make up the emotional immune system, which constantly identifies shifts in reality and enables us to attune ourselves to them. This aids us in preventing crises and allows us to cope easily with the unexpected. When our emotional skills do not function properly, our emotional immune system is rendered ineffective, making us more sensitive to changes in reality and exposing us to crisis. Trauma damages the emotional immune system and weakens our ability to cope with additional traumas. As Emotional Training strengthens our emotional immune system, we will be more able to survive and cope with crisis. The seven emotional skills serve as our immune system and we can improve them by the practice of Emotional Training, thus preventing crisis. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training PART I The emotional process Chapter 1 The search for a safe place Death anxiety and the search for a safe place are what motivate us and control our responses and our tuning in to reality. Instead of developing our natural emotional skills, we respond according to that old and ineffective basic instinct of 'fight or flight'. If I had to describe human life in one sentence, I would write: "It is terrifying" but also "It is amazingly beautiful". We are born into a frightening, threatening world, with no means of defending ourselves. But at the same time, every moment reveals the richness of reality and the beauty around us that can help us realize our creative potential. Reality naturally evokes anxiety and stress, which will follow us throughout our lives like a shadow that looms over all our achievements. Reality will never be safe and secure, and we will never be able to make it a safe place. The laws of natural selection dictate that there will always be overpowering forces that will threaten to hurt and even destroy us. You only have to read a newspaper, listen to the radio or watch TV to be inundated by news items regarding death, road accidents, murders, natural disasters, wars and terrorism. We cannot control reality, but we do have skills that enable us to adapt ourselves to reality and even ignore the horror it sometimes arouses. These are the emotional skills that help us identify reality and tune ourselves in to its demands. These emotional skills also enable us to create an imaginary world that lets us ignore the fear while enjoying the beautiful aspects of life. From the moment we are born, we are frightened of the unknown, searching for a safe place that will protect us from the dangers of reality. In our childhood we look for a safe place in our parents' bosom, and when we grow up we search for security in religion, family relationships or social commitments. We invest most of our resources in security: buying a house, saving money, taking out life insurance, health insurance, home insurance, car insurance and paying taxes to the government. The search for a safe place is the main Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training motivating force of our lives, and it influences how we realize our human potential and tune ourselves into ever-changing reality. Coping with death anxiety "Every night I wake up sweating, dreaming about the accident", said Jacob. He had accidentally killed his little son ten years earlier, when he was parking a tractor near his house in the village. "I envy those farm animals that have no idea that they are going to be slaughtered tomorrow". Human beings have the unique gift of being aware of their thoughts and feelings, but this also forces them to be aware of their own mortality. Anticipating our inevitable end creates death anxiety, which is constantly with us. It is no coincidence that the Bible associates Adam's eating the forbidden fruit from the Tree of Knowledge with the awareness of his own death: "And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat. But of the Tree of the Knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it, for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die." Some mistakenly interpret the punishment for eating the forbidden fruit as death. In fact, according to the biblical story, Adam and Eve did not die, but were instead banished from the Garden of Eden. But God did indeed punish humanity by the death anxiety that follows us through life, stemming from the awareness of our own mortality. Death anxiety accompanies us from our first breath, and it constantly influences our actions and choices. It is the most difficult thing we experience, threatening to paralyze us and disrupt our lives. From birth we search for ways of escaping from death anxiety by creating a safe and secure place for ourselves. We try to do this by taking control of our lives and our surroundings. Babies control their mothers by crying, and this sense of control pacifies them. Children acquire confidence during their various stages of development by learning to be independent and Chapter 1: The search for safe place taking control of their lives. Adults create safe places for themselves by making life choices and controlling others. The power to control ourselves and others can be an effective way of coping with death anxiety, but it is necessarily limited and sometimes frustrating. The conflict between our need for control and our actual resources brings about a series of life crises An efficient way of using emotional skills is by creating narratives that repeatedly tune us into reality. This is a far more effective way of providing us with the feeling that we have control over our lives than other alternatives. Thus the main goal of Emotional Training is to make us feel secure by the effective use of our emotional skills, thus affording us a sense of control and enabling us to create a safe place in face of powerful reality. Death anxiety and the sense of control are part of any interaction we have with reality. We constantly try to escape symptoms of death anxiety by choosing the most secure option at our disposal. Death anxiety is a natural response to the awareness of our mortality. It could paralyze us if we didn't constantly search for safety and control. The basic instinct Twenty years ago I was living in a beautiful and peaceful neighborhood in the center of Jerusalem. One day, I was asleep in my bedroom recuperating from the 'flu. Suddenly I was woken up by the sound of someone entering the room. I jumped out of bed to attack a stranger who was looking through my trouser pockets. The man ran out of the house in terror, and, exhausted, I returned to bed. He must have been a poor man who saw that my door was unlocked and attempted to rob me. This incident frightened me - not because of the would-be thief, but due to the sudden rush of energy that had made me jump out of bed, in spite of my weakness. I was also shocked by the thought that if I had caught the intruder, I could have killed him, albeit unintentionally. Something similar happened to me once while walking on a back street in London, when two hooligans tried to rob me at knifepoint. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training Instead of doing the clever thing and giving them my money, I spontaneously kicked one of them and then ran away, shouting as loudly as I could. The two men escaped. The next day I read in the paper of two similar cases that had resulted in murder. Why did I respond to these two potentially dangerous situations in an aggressive way that was so different from my usual non-violent, rational behavior? How, within a second, did I change from a reasonable human being to a creature driven by primeval instincts? The old human instinct of 'fight or flight' is a physical response to dangerous situations. It is caused by the basic need to protect the 'safe place' and avoid death anxiety as much as possible. This kind of reaction demands all our physical resources, but at the same time it paralyses some important physical capabilities. It is efficient for a short time but can be damaging in the long run. This instinct is an obsolete residue of bygone times, when human beings were forced to confront wild animals. Nevertheless, it is still a motivating factor and causes us to overreact to stimuli, even when there is no imminent physical danger. This response is liable to disrupt our normal life. A continuous sense of anxiety, even when it is moderate, can overwhelm our resources and damage our physical and emotional immune system. The 'fight or flight' instinct plays a central role in our emotional system, prompting us to respond automatically and in ways that are contrary to our self-image as rational human beings. It can cause us to avoid any potentially threatening situation and to preserve at any cost what we consider to be a safe place. The 'fight or flight' instinct controls our lives, causing us to be unaware of its consequences. It is not adapted to the 21st century and often leads us astray. It distances us from people and opportunities that could enrich our lives and forces us to hold onto damaging habits and situations. It is responsible for many of the life crises we experience and is the source of the personal and professional discontentment felt by most of us at one time or another. The old basic instinct is not adapted to the 21st century, but it continues to influence our lives. Chapter 1: The search for safe place Falling in love Falling in love is the opposite of the basic instinct, but they both function similarly. While the basic instinct is a spontaneous response to any threat, which expresses itself through anxiety, falling in love is a spontaneous response to a sexual attraction which helps us create the sense of a safe place through intimate relationships. Love is the ultimate expression of a safe place, trust and mutuality, but it is based on a long-term relationship and the efficient use of our emotional skills. But our natural apprehension of strangers prevents us from exposing and trusting other people and blocks the option of creating deep relationships based on love. Falling in love enables us to overcome our natural apprehension of other people. Through sexual attraction it creates a temporary false sense of trust and intimacy and enables us to expose ourselves readily. Thanks to falling in love, we can overcome the barriers, separating us from other people, and create love and true intimacy. The sense of falling in love is similar to that anxiety which stimulates the basic instinct. Just as the basic instinct paralyze our physical systems so that all our energy will help defend us from threat, so falling in love paralyzes our emotional process and damages the functioning of our emotional skills. However, it also helps us invest all our emotional resources in attracting others and acting on our sexual attraction. As a result we suspend concentration, rational thinking and the ability to navigate through the world. Falling in love also affects our physical systems similarly to an anxiety attack, and manifests itself in difficulty breathing, chest pressure and hyper activity. Falling in love is very efficient in the short term for helping us overcome anxiety that prevents us from realizing our empathic skills and creating intimate relationships. But the emotional and physical symptoms of falling in love can be addictive, causing many people to prefer falling in love to long-term love relationships. Such an addiction can be very dangerous, like over using the basic instinct, and it can damage our emotional and physical functioning, preventing us from creating loving and intimate relationships. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training Falling in love, like the basic instinct, is effective in the short term, but dangerous when it becomes an addiction. Where is the safe place? Consciously and unconsciously we search for a safe place all through life. But is it really possible to find safety in our ever- changing world? One can mistakenly assume that a safe place is similar to a fortress built by an army preparing for war that seeks strength in stockpiling as many weapons as possible. But amassing troops and weapons is in fact a sign of weakness and anxiety, and the strongest of armies will never prevail over a small, determined guerilla force. We search for a sense of security by accumulating property, putting aside money for a rainy day, surrounding ourselves with security systems and investing our income in insurance programs that protect our property and our health. But even our greatest attempts to secure a safe place do not influence reality, and we are often caught unawares by natural disasters, accidents or illness. Does a safe place really exist anywhere in the world? No. Reality is constantly changing with no regard for human needs, and we cannot foresee the future. During my first year in London, I bought a car and used it on weekends to tour England's beautiful countryside. On one of these occasions I was driving through the narrow roads of Wales. I was tired, and when I rejoined the main road, I temporarily forgot that in England they drive on the left side of the road and mistakenly turned into the right lane. A car coming from the opposite direction bumped into me at low speed, so I escaped unhurt. I was surprised when the driver hurried to help me get out of the car, move it to the side of the road and call the AA. After an hour, a small tow truck arrived, transporting my car to a big carrier waiting at the side of the highway. When we arrived back at the garage in London, the night watchman took my keys and promised that the car would be repaired soon. The insurance company requested a short letter describing the damage, promising to deal with the whole process. When I returned from a vacation in Israel, I found the car as good as new. Chapter 1: The search for safe place This event made me feel safe and secure. The driver, who chose to help me instead of expressing anger, the towing company that had kept its promise and the efficiency of the insurance company all created the feeling of a 'safe place'. I realized that this safe place was not an actual physical place existing in reality, since I knew that such an accident could occur again. It was an illusory sense of a 'safe place', derived from my interaction with reality and how the people involved had responded. In reality even the most guarded fortress is not safe. The sense of a safe place is a subjective, illusory experience, deriving from the way we partially tune ourselves into reality through the stories we create to interpret our experiences. Indeed, the sense of a safe place may be a fleeting illusion, but without it we cannot cope with the anxieties that threaten to paralyze us. Without the belief in a safe place we would constantly experience that death anxiety which triggers the 'fight or flight' instinct. Most of our emotional and physical resources would thus be paralyzed, as is the case with those suffering from mental illness and severe anxiety that are rendered dysfunctional due to their unfiltered view of menacing reality. We need the sense of a safe place in order to survive, but this can only protect us if it is fine-tuned to shifts in our environment. A crisis is created when we surrender to our habits and stop attuning our safe place to reality. So the most effective safe place will be one that is continually recreated in tune with changes in reality. Emotional Training is a method that helps us effect such changes in order to prevent crisis. Reality is never safe, so we can create an effective sense of a safe place only by continually attuning it to reality. Civilization as the symbol of a safe place Civilization is a direct response to death anxiety; its purpose was to create a sense of security and of a safe place. Civilization naturally developed based on behavioral norms that enabled small groups to survive in dangerous environments through simple communication Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training while catering to basic human needs. It gradually evolved into a complicated and comprehensive set of conventions, governing all aspects of human life. Civilization enables millions of people to live in peace, avoid conflict and promote common interests. Advanced civilizations include many sophisticated systems that impart a sense of security in the realms of belief and religion, economy, society and politics, security and defense, art and culture, as well as conventions concerning various aspects of human communication. Each of these systems is a construct that is meaningless outside the human sphere, but within this sphere it creates a sense of security. Thus, for example, the invention of money and the financial mechanisms that control it enable us to put our trust in the printed paper that symbolizes our property. As a result we do not need to waste our time and energy on old, cumbersome bartering systems. Human manners and religious rituals help us trust other people based on the common denominator of culture and civilization. Art, literature and music help us find meaning in a meaningless world. All of the above allow us to feel that we can create meaning and control our environment. Civilization has determined a set of ground rules that enable us to make sense of the chaotic reality around us. These rules enable us to communicate with each other, interpret reality through the stories we tell, and control our lives systematically, thus giving us a sense of confidence and meaning. Each of us creates a special relationship with the ground rules of civilization, deciding which to adopt and which to ignore. The right to choose gives us a sense of control and confidence. Civilization does not prevent disaster or pain, but it does shift our attention away from existential death anxiety and enhance our sense of security. In this way it helps us cope with existential questions, sparing us the stress and wasted energy that would weaken us and reduce our ability to survive. So civilization mediates between our virtual inner world and threats from outside. However, civilization serves millions of people and is thus rendered inflexible; its adaptation to reality is slow and cumbersome. For this reason, civilization may delay personal growth and generate other kinds of anxiety. Although civilization provides a safe place for Chapter 1: The search for safe place human society, at the same time it suppresses individuality and provokes frustration and confusion. Civilization serves as a safe place in which each individual must develop his or her own culture. Unfortunately, the social system is so designed as to preserve civilization and prevent individual differences. This may explain why we are not equipped with the tools necessary to develop our own personal culture and personal safe place; the main goal of Emotional Training is to help us to do just that. Civilization creates a sense of safety, but if we do not develop our personal safe place, we might lose our individuality. Change endangers the safe place The primitive instinct of 'fight or flight' forces us to identify danger in everything that is unfamiliar. This explains why we naturally resist any change in our lives and find it so difficult to change our habits and let go of fixed patterns. The 'fight or flight' instinct causes us to maintain at any cost whatever appears to us to be a safe place. This explains why we ascribe so much value to tradition, norms and habits. This primeval instinct obscures the illusory nature of the safe place, without which we cannot survive, but which must be nurtured and attuned to reality on a day-to-day basis. Paradoxically, our attempts to sustain and protect our safe place actually undermine it and lead to crisis. In other words, by sustaining a particular safe place and avoiding change, the gap widens between it and reality, thus provoking crisis and anxiety. Any change creates anxiety, but avoiding change creates crisis. The trap of false safety The fear of change that leads us to fixate on a specific safe place creates a false safe place. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training Dahlia was a beaten wife. For more than twenty-seven years she had looked after her husband and children, and after the children grew up and left home, she tried to commit suicide. Following the recommendations of the family doctor and social worker, her husband agreed to send her for psychotherapy "Why aren't you leaving your husband?" I asked her. "I'm too scared," was her answer. I realized that she was not referring to fear of her husband, to whom she was accustomed, but to the outside world from which she had been disconnected for so many years. "Where can I go?" she sighed. "I have no profession and no home. He beats me, but at least I'm used to him and know what to expect." Like many other beaten women, Dahlia was frightened of the unknown. She preferred to remain in her familiar environment, which she mistakenly regarded as a safe place, even though her life there was miserable and unbearable. We cannot exist and adapt ourselves to reality without the sense of a safe place. Without it we cannot function and our emotional system, which functions on automatic pilot, cannot guide us through life. When our emotional skills do not function properly, we create a sense of false security, or accept false safe places that are offered us by others. Our automatic pilot does not distinguish between false or appropriate security systems. Only the consequences of this can teach us whether our attitudes and actions were mistakenly or appropriately attuned to reality. A false sense of security offers a poor imitation of a safe place. Since it is not appropriately attuned to reality, it does not function properly, thus not preventing crisis. It is like a GPS that is designed to guide us in accordance with the map that is built into the software and without which it cannot function. But when the map is out of date, and does not include changes in the traffic system, the instrument might still seem to function properly, but it will not bring us to our destination. The false safe place is not attuned to reality. If we take a look around us, we will find that reality is in constant flux and that we will never be able to perfectly attune our habits and belief system to it. It is undoubtedly easier to keep our habits and beliefs and give up the Chapter 1: The search for safe place irksome task of modifying them to correspond to reality. Thus, our emotional laziness causes us to create false safe places that lead to crisis when they collide with the real world. It is not hard to see that our lives are paved with crises, some of them brought about by unforeseen natural disasters but most of them derived from our stubborn attachment to our habits, our refusal to change our behavior. 'Crisis theories' take into account inevitable life crises, for example, babies who need to adjust to solid food or the upheavals of adolescence, middle age and retirement. But our lives are beset by many other crises that are caused by the changes we have to make when our needs conflict with the needs of others or when we develop impossible, unrealistic expectations. Civilization provides us with the optimal conditions to feel secure in human society, but it also offers us simplistic solutions, which are based on false safe places. These emerge when we accept conventional beliefs, philosophies, habits and customs without examining them in light of our personal needs. The most widespread false safe place is offered by conformism. We have the tendency to adopt the ideas and customs of others in order to be 'like everyone else', to avoid conflicts and inconvenience, without checking their intrinsic value or whether they correspond with reality. In order to obtain temporary comfort and avoid conflict, we relinquish control over our emotional system and paralyze our emotional immune system. Emotional Training is meant to rehabilitate the emotional immune system in such a way that will enable us to identify false safe places, thereby preventing unavoidable crises. A safe place that is not continually attuned to reality is a false safe place. The emotional immune system We all inhabit the same reality and cope with the same dangers and threats. Still, some people suffer from ceaseless anxiety while others feel safe and secure. The difference between these two Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training responses to reality is based on dissimilar functioning of the emotional immune system. The emotional immune system is part of our emotional process, and is based on seven emotional skills that help us create the sense of a safe place. When this system functions properly, it attunes itself continuously to reality. When this fine tuning is impeded, the emotional immune system is correspondingly less effective, and we are exposed to more crises. Each traumatic experience (i.e. severe crisis) damages the functioning of the emotional immune system and weakens our stamina in face of future crises. Thus, contrary to some beliefs, crises and traumas do not strengthen us, but rather drain our strength and damage our emotional immune system. The development of civilization, scientific achievements and technological progress has created efficient security systems that are adapted to the needs of human society. Conversely, they have not made changes in the primitive instinct of 'fight or flight' and basic human anxiety. Our personal skills of attuning to reality lag far behind the technological progress of our era. The history of human trauma has left us exposed to anxiety and has considerably weakened our emotional immune system. Thus, although we have an efficient set of tools that can help us create a safe place and strengthen our emotional immune system, we have not learned how to employ and maintain them. The belief in external powers that control our lives (religion, government, family) as well as in the existence of a vague 'mind' (or soul) that controls our inner lives has concealed from us the existence of our emotional skills. These skills enable us to control our emotional processes, strengthen the emotional immune system and independently create our very own safe place. Our emotional immune system consists of emotional skills that enable us to constantly create a sense of a safe place. Chapter 2 The emotional process The emotional process is the mechanism that controls our lives, enabling us to identify reality and create a continuous sense of a safe place. The goal of Emotional Training is to help us improve the emotional process by daily training and practice of our emotional skills. Despite losing his entire family, Victor Frankl was able to survive the Holocaust thanks to his book, Man's search for meaning. During his time in the camp he constantly developed ideas for it and this enabled him to endure the experience. A Nazi extermination camp must be the antithesis of a safe place. Nevertheless, Frankl has stated that those who knew how to create an imaginary safe place were the ones who survived. The meaningful narrative is a product of our emotional system, and it serves as a map for the software that navigates our lives. Our narrative enables us to create a sense of a safe place even when we find ourselves in the eye of the storm. Crises are inevitable when the gap between our narrative and reality cannot be bridged, but our sense of a safe place can assist us in coping with them. As long as our life story is attuned to reality, we can avoid crisis by constantly adjusting our meaningful story to reality by means of the emotional process. The emotional process which I will present in this book can be easily understood and applied by anyone. A new definition of 'mental health' and human nature Psychotherapy did not exist until Freud created it at the beginning of the 20th century. Definitions employed by this 'therapy' are extremely vague, and to this day there is no agreed definition of the term 'mind' (or 'soul', or 'spirit'). This being the case, how can one treat something that cannot be explained or examined? Furthermore, how can one determine that any changes have actually occurred as a result of this 'therapy'? During my research I discovered more than 400 different Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training approaches to psychotherapy, all based on different and even contradictory assumptions. In effect, there is no way of identifying success or failure in therapy, since any description of the therapeutic process is necessarily subjective. The various schools of psychotherapy regard mental health as a continuum where one of the poles indicates health while the other indicates pathology. Human nature according to various schools of psychotherapy pathology normality health Freud's psychoanalysis and many therapeutic approaches that were influenced by him focus on one extreme of this continuum, namely pathological human characteristics. They regard human nature as a chaotic labyrinth of complexes and disorders that control us, rendering us unable to take responsibility for our lives. According to these approaches, the therapist is an expert who can 'fix' the patient in the same manner as a physician can cure his physical ailments. Humanistic approaches to psychotherapy (which were also influenced by the psychoanalytic school) are based on the same continuum, although they focus on the positive side of human nature and deal with its healthy characteristics. Humanistic therapists do not pretend to 'fix' the pathological mind or understand abstract mental processes. They believe that their clients are responsible for their lives and can heal themselves. Humanistic therapy is based on giving support and creating a positive environment that will enable clients to grow and realize their potential. The more recent developments of positive psychology and positive medicine also focus on the healthy characteristics of human nature in such a way that is capable of circumventing medicinal treatment. The Emotional Training method, which I will present in the following chapters, is based on a different model of human nature. I avoid terms I do not understand, such as 'mind' or 'soul' or 'psyche'. Instead I regard emotions as skills that enable us to identify reality instantly, thereby creating a safe place for ourselves. Instead of vague definitions of 'health' and 'pathology' as descriptions of 'mind' - terms Chapter 2: The emotional process that have different meanings in different cultures - I suggest a continuum on which one of its poles represents anxiety, while the other represents a 'safe place'. Anxiety is our natural response to the dangers of reality, mainly fear in face of our own inevitable end. The 'safe place' (family, home, religion, country, culture, etc.) is the frame we create in order to defend ourselves from danger. If our 'safe place' is undermined, our level of anxiety rises. All those difficulties that are described as 'mental' are in fact a manifestation of increased anxiety as a result of a decreased sense of a safe place. Human nature according to the Emotional Training method anxiety natural human condition safe place According to Emotional Training, these contradictory poles are free from moral values, judgments or ethical positions. Anxiety and the need for a safe place are natural human needs, both playing a central role in our everyday lives. Human nature is not negative or pathological. Both anxiety and the need for safety are natural and normal responses to the reality in which we live. Emotional Training is based on the assumption that we are responsible for our lives and that we have the power to control our emotional processes, while also improving our emotional skills. Emotions are not entities that exist in the world, but simple processes that are part of our physical activity. The emotional process, then, is the way we use our emotional skills to identify shifts in reality and attune ourselves to them in an attempt to avoid dangers and create the sense of a safe place. The emotional process is the mechanism that enables us to attune ourselves to reality. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training Body, mind and emotions The term 'mind' (or 'soul' or 'spirit') is based on a preconception that separates material and physical reality, including the human body, and a 'spiritual' reality that has no physical manifestation. The belief in the body-mind split is common in Western culture, and lies at the root of monotheistic religious beliefs, the idea of the afterlife and many other 'spiritual' ideas. This belief belongs to the realm of mysticism, and there is no way to explore it rationally or scientifically or by means of our physical senses. Freud's revolutionary theory, psychoanalysis, is also based on the body-mind separation. Freud's use of medical jargon can mislead us into thinking that his assumptions are based on science. In fact such terms as 'mind' inhabit the vague spheres of mysticism; the term 'psychotherapy' (healing of the mind) is actually a pseudo-medical term which belongs in the realm of folk medicine, which is still popular alongside conventional medicine. I have no objection to religious beliefs or mysticism, since belief plays a meaningful role in allowing us to create the sense of a safe place in the world. This explains why psychoanalysis, along with hundreds of other psychotherapeutic approaches, may benefit some people, in spite of its being based on pseudo-scientific, unproven theories. Nevertheless, we must be aware that the term 'psychotherapy' is misleading and has nothing to do with therapy or treatment. Furthermore, this term can blind us to those natural emotional skills that will enable us to attune ourselves to reality more productively. Emotional Training has nothing to do with the term 'mind' or with the mind-body split, but is concerned only with emotions. It is a mistake to ascribe emotions to the 'mind', since it is obvious that although emotions are associated with apparently abstract ideas (love, hate, jealousy, longing), they always manifest themselves as definite physical sensations. It is therefore not surprising that many emotions are frequently expressed in physical terms: 'pangs of consciousness', 'gut feeling', 'heartache', 'breathless', 'butterflies in the stomach', 'sigh of relief', 'lily-livered' (cowardly) and so forth. Emotions are the physical responses to stimuli we receive from outside. Their role is simple: Chapter 2: The emotional process they are meant to enable us to identify external stimuli and help us distinguish between danger and safety. Our most basic emotion is the 'fight or flight' instinct that enabled prehistoric peoples to defend themselves against wild animals. This emotion represents our most intense anxiety – death anxiety – and manifests itself in physical sensations (changes in breathing, accelerated heartbeat and paralysis of physiological systems). Emotions are the physical expression of either anxiety or relaxation. The difference between various emotions and feelings (anger, compassion, shame, happiness, etc.) are a result of changes in our degree of anxiety or relaxation. As anxiety increases, more and more physical systems are affected, such as changes in our breathing. We experience these manifestations as unpleasant physical sensations brought about by bodily changes. On the other hand, when we feel secure, we relax our muscles, and generally experience pleasant physical sensations throughout our bodies. To sum up, emotions are purely physical sensations that express the degree of anxiety or safety we feel at a particular time and they have no connection with the mystical term, 'mind'. Emotions are physical responses to external stimuli, and they enable us to navigate in the world, avoid anxiety and find safety. Emotions have nothing in common with the mystical term, 'mind'. The role of the emotional process Most of our abilities are acquired by a slow learning process during childhood, during which our parents create, to the best of their ability, a safe place in which we can develop. We learn how to talk, walk, keep ourselves clean and eat without assistance, ultimately achieving total independence. Learning is the most important skill at our disposal, and it enables us to develop and acquire other skills that protect and enrich our lives. At the early stages we learn by playing and practicing, but this process is usually interfered with by our parents and teachers, who force predetermined programs on us. Our emotional skills also develop slowly during early childhood and they Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training help us communicate with our surrounding and create a safe place for ourselves. We are born without emotional skills, and the only information that motivates us is a sense of security at our parents' (generally our mothers') bosom and a fear of anything unfamiliar. Through a slow process we develop emotional skills that enable us to gain more control over our immediate environment. We learn to be aware of our feelings and identify safe places and real-world dangers. We also learn to identify other people's feelings and adapt ourselves to the complexities of the external world. We do this through an emotional process that gradually becomes more and more complicated and sophisticated. The culture into which we are born (including family, religion, national identification) adversely affects our emotional development, forcing us to behave in a socially acceptable way. The emotional process enables us to survive in our environment; we have no other means at our disposal that allows us to perceive reality and comprehend its richness and complexity. The emotional process manages the data we receive and makes sense of them for us. Correspondingly, the emotional process activates 'software' that defines what constitutes our safe place. This enables us to respond swiftly and automatically to any stimulus and to determine whether it is potentially harmful or beneficial. The emotional process enables us to create the sense of a safe place and adapt it to constantly changing reality as much as possible (thus preventing crisis). Chapter 2: The emotional process The emotional process includes four parts: Awareness Self-awareness is the most important human characteristic. Awareness, or cognitive ability, is what makes us rational beings that are motivated, unlike most other living creatures, by other factors apart from inborn instincts. Due to cognitive awareness, we can be introspective, analyze our behavior, thoughts and feelings, and effect change in ourselves. It leads us to develop individual personalities distinct from those of others. Self-awareness is a dual process that distinguishes us from other creatures. When I say "I think", or "I know", I describe my awareness of the conscious activity of thinking or knowing. In other words, selfawareness means that I am aware of my own awareness. On the debit side, our rational skills can mislead us into forgetting that cognitive awareness is just the tip of the iceberg of our emotional Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training process, which generally functions as a closed and automatic system. Our control over our emotional process is limited, and awareness has only a minimal effect on our feelings and actions. The influence of cognitive awareness on our emotional process resembles its influence on our physical processes. Our physical activity is a closed system that works autonomously (comprising the nervous system, digestive system, circulatory system, musculature, etc.). We can deliberately control our muscles and move our limbs, but if we tried to be aware of all the muscles that activate our body we would not even be able to move a finger. Awareness can help us identify our physical activity and search for ways to improve it, but awareness alone cannot repair physiological problems. A simple demonstration that I present to my students may illustrate the limited power of cognitive awareness. You can try it yourself: Place a wooden board (10-15 cm. wide and 2-3 m. long) on the floor. Now walk on it from one side to the other. Anyone who has no problems with balance can do this easily. Now place the board between two tables, and walk on it from one table to the other. Some people can do this, but everyone who tries it will be afraid of falling, and many people will actually fall off during this experience. If you imagine this wooden board connecting between two closely adjacent roofs, you will not be able to envisage yourselves crossing over on it. Actually there is no physiological difference between walking on a wooden board while it is placed on the floor and when it is connecting between two roofs. But even if you are aware of this fact, your basic instinct will prevent you from performing this feat. Acrobats who walk on a tightrope stretched between two buildings must practice for a long time, although they will have no difficulty performing this trick at a low height. Training lets them transform their physical awareness into a new emotional memory that will prevent them from being afraid. Such training is Emotional Training. Similarly, cognitive awareness cannot influence or repair most of the components of our emotional process. Contrary to the myth of psychotherapy, becoming aware of our motives, emotions, past traumas and complexes does not change our feelings and responses to Chapter 2: The emotional process reality. Cognitive awareness is essential, since our autonomic emotional process is not sufficient, and in order to survive we have to learn and develop ourselves at any stage of our lives. Unlike other animals, it takes us from ten to twenty years to acquire the skills necessary to make us independent. Even later we must keep learning, acquire professional expertise and improve our abilities in many fields in order to make a living, integrate into social circles and raise children. The emotional process enables us to learn and develop, through the emotional skills, thereby improving our adjustment to reality. Cognitive awareness is a precondition for any kind of learning and it enables us to choose the field of learning and the knowledge that we need. Thanks to cognitive awareness, we can choose how to act and behave, and through the emotional process, to check the results of our actions and identify our needs. Learning allows us to choose to improve all aspects of our lives. Cognitive awareness plays a central role in controlling the emotional process, solving problems and attuning ourselves regularly to unavoidable changes in reality. Cognitive awareness does not create emotional change, but without it we cannot learn and improve the skills that are vital to our existence. The emotional skills In my research I identified and defined seven emotional skills that enable us perceive reality and create a sense of a safe place. These emotional skills help us create rules and habits that enable us to communicate with others, plan our actions and navigate through the world. In fact, our emotional skills control all our actions and the better attuned they are to reality, the better our ability to survive. Being able to recognize dangers correctly and rapidly improves our capacity to avoid them. Furthermore, without being able to understand others' intentions, we will be incapable of creating social connections and supporting ourselves. Emotional skills are not inborn, but develop slowly through Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training learning and practice, chiefly impacted by our early experiences and by the major influences around us (usually our parents). Since we are born with no emotional skills, as infants we are totally dependent on our parents. Our behavior and adjustment to the world are not yet regulated by our emotional skills. So at this transitional stage we must rely on the basic 'fight or flight' instinct until the emotional skills are developed enough to let us cope with anxiety by creating a sense of security. The emotional skills, like the other parts of the emotional process, react automatically, but they are the only part of the emotional process that allows us to intervene, changing and improving its operation. That is the reason that Emotional Training focuses only on the practice of the emotional skills. The newborn's basic instinct causes it to respond to every stimulus with anxiety. This demands a considerable amount of energy from the infant and can even endanger its life. At this stage, before developing his emotional skills, the baby cannot create a sense of safety for itself and is dependent on its parents. Therefore it is important to create a safe and protected space for it as soon as possible, so that it can develop its emotional skills. The more rapidly it develops emotional skills, the more quickly the small child will learn to create a safe place, enabling it to channel its emotional resources into learning and development. The emotional skills (and the basic instinct that precedes them) do not respond to actual stimuli, but to a filtered version of them presented by the primitive emotional system as relatively dangerous or safe. Twenty years ago, I encountered a young boy who had been adopted by a loving family a few days earlier. When I smiled at him and tried to approach him in a friendly way, he covered his face with his hands in fear. He could not identify my positive meanings, because he had previously been abused at an orphanage, causing his emotional system to warn him against anyone who came too close. This boy grew up in a threatening environment and did not develop his emotional skills. He was guided by his basic instinct that limited his ability to approach other people. Chapter 2: The emotional process Only through the seven emotional skills can we improve our emotional process and our adjustment to the world. The emotional system The emotional system receives stimuli from reality and responds to them spontaneously. It immediately sends responses to those emotional skills that govern our actions. It is a very simple and primitive mechanism, one that enables us to distinguish at every moment of our lives between two opposite poles. The negative pole represents a sense of anxiety and danger, causing us to reject and remove any harmful stimulus as quickly as possible. The positive pole represents a reaction to any stimulus that engenders a sense of security. We are not consciously aware of the emotional system's activities; its only purpose is to automatically distinguish between danger and safety. Daniel was a retired lieutenant-colonel, who left the army to become the vice-president of a big tourist company, with branches all over the country. Thanks to his rich experience as an officer in the commando forces and as manpower coordinator of a large army division, he was appointed to reorganize all company branches and optimize the system. He succeeded in his new job and received much praise from the company owners. But when the president of the company resigned, and Daniel applied for the post, it was politely hinted to him that he was not an appropriate candidate. In an effort to help him, one of the owners suggested that he participate in a prestigious interpersonal relationships seminar overseas for senior managers. Daniel gladly accepted the offer, as he was well aware that his managerial style was based on a military model and his ability to make quick decisions. Although these characteristics had brought him success at his job, he had a tendency to fire anybody who did not obey his orders to the letter. He did not get the post, although he participated in many private workshops and made a conscious effort to change his militaristic patterns of behavior. He came to me after an unsuccessful one-year course of psychotherapy. "I don't understand it", he complained, "I am now well aware of my disadvantages. I learned the hard way: it took Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training some time, but I've learned how to listen to people and I invest serious effort in making my workers feel good. It isn't easy, but everyone will tell you how much I've improved lately. But when I have to make a quick decision, or when I meet important customers or other managers, it doesn't work. When someone opposes my point of view, I can't control myself and respond automatically with anger or rudeness. I know that if I want to continue up the corporate ladder, I'll have to change. What can I do about this problem?" I understood Daniel's frustration and felt sorry for him. He had made a real effort to understand and improve his interpersonal interactions; he'd learned to identify and understand his emotional system. He was also aware of the inappropriate behavior he had brought with him from the army. Nevertheless, in times of stress his emotional system continued to respond in the same old aggressive manner. The emotional system functions on automatic pilot without our being aware of it; we cannot influence and control its actions. Although Daniel could identify the patterns of his emotional system, he still didn't know how to change them, thus in spite of his best efforts, he could not control his responses. The emotional system controls our lives even when it is based on false data or when it contradicts our thoughts and our wishes. Contrary to some romantic concepts, the emotional system is mechanical, and it enables us to survive in the world, without consideration of values, morals or truth. The emotional system is totally automatic and directed by the individual's personal narrative, having no interest in the data that directs it. Its only purpose is to keep us safe by warning us of danger. At its best, the emotional system warns us instantly of danger and helps us choose the most secure options. Examples of this are when we jump aside when a truck approaches us at high speed or when we hesitate to sign a contract with someone we cannot trust. It also happens when we fall in love with someone who later becomes our partner, or when we take the risk of changing jobs in an effort to improve our lives. But there are also cases when the emotional system does not function properly and its responses are not attuned to reality. When our emotional system functions according to false beliefs and Chapter 2: The emotional process values, we pay a high price, for instance, when we repeatedly fall in love with abusive partners or when we are constantly disappointed by people who do not fulfill our expectations. When our emotional system contradicts reality, it can make us feel anxious for no good reason and it can make us put our trust in something that is potentially dangerous, thus diminishing our ability to respond properly to reality. That is what happens to people who suffer from trauma; in extreme cases of a damaged emotional system, the individual may be diagnosed with a mental illness and require hospitalization. In spite of its disadvantages, the emotional system is necessary for our survival, since without it we would suffer constant death anxiety that would paralyze us and require all our emotional energy. The sense of a safe place provided by the emotional system is an illusion, since rather than relating to reality, the emotional system responds to it according to the directives of the emotional process. Nevertheless, our sense of a safe place, even if it is fictitious, is a precondition for our survival, as it enables us to let go of the 'fight or flight' instinct that disables all our emotional and physical functions. The imaginary sense of security provided by the emotional system will always provide us with the sense of a safe place that is never completely tuned into reality. This incompatibility between the emotional system and the real world leads to crisis, forcing us to cope with reality. The more finely tuned the emotional system is to reality, the less crises we will experience and the more successfully we will function in the world. We cannot change the emotional system or interfere with its functioning. We can only influence it by changing our personal narrative, which is the software that activates the emotional system. By adjusting our narrative to the constant fluctuations in reality we will also improve the functioning of the emotional system. The emotional system is a primitive mechanism that enables us to distinguish between danger and safety. We can influence it only by changing our personal narrative, which is the software that activates the emotional system. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training The personal narrative The narrative is the 'software' that activates our emotional system in the same way that a map activates a GPS system. Just as we may be misdirected by a GPS whose map has not been updated regarding changes in traffic, our emotional system may mislead us when our personal narrative is not attuned to reality. Once I met a very interesting man, whose ID number was . He weighed 92 kilograms and his height was 178 centimeters. His blood pressure was 80/130 and his shoe size was 43. His body temperature was usually 36.6 degrees Celsius, and he was bald, wore frameless glasses and had blue-green eyes. This is the kind of precise description that most people wouldn't use to characterize other people. We prefer to describe others according to their stories or our own story, leaving out accurate or objective details. So I would probably describe this man thus: "Once I met a very interesting man. He had lost his parents in a car accident when he was twelve. He was adopted by his aunt, who succeeded in taking control of his parents' property and inheritance, so he found himself out on the street. He created a huge chain of vegetable markets without any help. After his aunt's death, he donated all his property to an orphanage and devoted his life to playing the piano. He still plays the piano at a small hotel, and that's where I met him." We all give meaning to our lives through the stories we tell concerning ourselves or others. Our narrative is the software that directs our everyday life and coordinates between our private safe place and reality. Our story includes our personal history and the beliefs and values we have received from others, our dreams and future plans. Human beings are natural storytellers. Our personal narrative is a story with a hero, other characters, a setting, a plot and sub-plots. The story we tell enables us to understand ourselves and make sense of the world. We feel secure when our personal narrative fits reality, and we lose confidence when it is at odds with reality. For example, ancient mythologies posited a world that was flat. This was appropriate before people had the possibility of traveling long distances. They could feel secure in such a flat world, but later, Chapter 2: The emotional process when ships began circumnavigating the world, a better story was needed: a narrative based on the knowledge that the world was round. Reality changes incessantly and correspondingly our stories change again and again. Our narratives are not reality itself, but only the special manner in which we observe it. When our observations change, our narratives also change, so that even our memories and our interpretations of them change continuously. Our narrative can never be perfectly adjusted to the world, since reality will always change more rapidly than we can adjust to it. The stories we tell give meaning to our lives and create the sense of a safe place. We cannot live without them, and we consider people who cannot create coherent narratives to be mentally defective or crazy. The narrative is the central part of our emotional process and it serves as the basis for our primitive emotional system. The story we tell, whether fictional or realistic, provides the data according to which our emotional system identifies reality. A religious person interprets the world according to his beliefs, while a scientist explores reality according to the knowledge he has acquired through his research. Nobody ever teaches us to compose or tell our narratives or how to attune them to reality, thus achieving a sense of security in a threatening world. However, it is possible for us to become aware of our narrative and achieve understanding of its values, ground rules and motifs. We are also capable of discovering how the narrative influences our emotional system and if it is tuned to never-ending changes in reality. Nevertheless, just as awareness cannot help us change the emotional system, it does not enable us to change the narrative that directs our emotional system. Our life story is not the result of an intentional plan, like a novel written by an author. Our narrative represents the way we live, so we cannot change it unless we get to its source. This explains why Daniel did not succeed in changing the habits that sabotaged him, even though he was aware of the damage they were doing. He thought that awareness and understanding would change his emotional response, but he discovered that in fact everything stayed the same. His narrative and inner map were still Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training based on a story that he had acquired through 30 years of intensive army service. To change those patterns, Daniel had to change the content of his personal story. He could not just sit down and write a new one, because his had written it as a result of his emotional process. Our narrative describes, in story form, the activity of our emotional skills. Someone who has been accustomed to commanding other people his whole life, and who has not developed the emotional skill of listening to others, cannot simply decide to start listening. He must practice listening over an extended period. He must implement this skill in all areas of his life, until his narrative changes and listening to others is included in the messages sent to his emotional system. In order to change our personal narrative, we have to identify the functioning of our emotional skills and improve them through practice. An example that demonstrates the influence of the emotional skills on the narrative is the phenomenon of 'rationalization'. Many children, for example, do not like to eat oatmeal for breakfast, since they do not like its taste. Children whose parents provide them with alternative food will tell themselves all their lives that they hate oatmeal. Other parents force their children to eat oatmeal every morning. The children will resist at first, but after two or three weeks, the gap between their actions (eating oatmeal) and their narrative (that they don't like oatmeal) will grow too wide. Then they will believe that they like oatmeal and change their narrative. My own experience can serve as an example here: I did not eat vegetables and fruit as a child since I didn't like how they tasted, but when I was twenty I forced myself to eat fruit and vegetables every day until I got used to their taste and started to enjoy them. This was a kind of emotional training that changed my narrative, and as a result also changed my eating habits. The personal narrative reflects our life story, our memories and our dreams, and it functions as software that activates our emotional system. We cannot change it without changing our emotional skills. Chapter 2: The emotional process Developing the emotional skills Our emotional skills are situated in the activity center of our emotional process. They are set in motion by our emotional system and are responsible for the way we function in the world and for creating the sense of a safe place. That means that they are responsible for our behavior. As stated above, they develop slowly in the first years of our lives, when they gradually replace the basic instinct of 'fight or flight'. They are also responsible for creating our personal narrative. The personal narrative is created parallel to the inception and practice of our emotional skills, which means our behavior. This development represents our advance through life, as described in our personal story. Our narrative is, therefore, a reflection of our emotional skills and our behavior. The emotional skills, the personal narrative and the emotional system actually create a virtually closed system in which each stage influences the next in a cyclical way. The emotional skills activate the personal narrative that in turn feeds the emotional system that then activates the emotional skills - and so on, ad infinitum. In this never-ending cycle, the emotional skills serve as a double agent. On the one hand, they are responsible for our functioning in the world, and on the other hand, they create our personal narrative. The more effectively they finely tune our narrative to the changes in reality, the more efficient our emotional system will be and the better our emotional skills will function. Awareness is the key to this process. It enables us to identify our emotional skills, improve and perfect them by practice and training. Awareness hardly influences the way our emotional skills (influenced only by the messages of our emotional system) control our behavior and functioning in the world. It does, however, enable the emotional skills to improve themselves by training, thus having an indirect impact on the general performance of the emotional process. We tend to neglect and abandon our emotional skills. We surrender to our habits and accept the fixed patterns that activate the emotional skills we acquired in childhood, under parental or environmental influence or due to former traumas. Emotional training is meant to fill this gap and train the emotional Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training skills to change continuously, attuning our personal narrative to fluctuations in reality. The list of seven emotional skills defined below is the result of my research, in which I observed the ways in which we create a safe place in our world. Of all the many characteristics I observed, I narrowed down the list to the most familiar emotional skills, those that are easily recognizable by most people. Obviously one can categorize and define these skills in different ways, combining two or three skills into one or dividing some of them into sub-categories. If you find it helpful, feel free to organize them differently. Each of the seven emotional skills is responsible for a particular part of our emotional process and it contributes to our ability to identify and attune ourselves to reality. To the extent that our emotional skills are developed, flexible and open to change, so will we feel more secure in the world, create better relationships and develop our human potential more productively. Each of us uses the emotional skills in a unique personal way, depending on our personal history, individual characteristics and the environment in which we were brought up. In the second part of this book I will present a method for improving each of the seven emotional skills through daily training. The emotional skills have a dual function: they direct our behavior and also create the personal narrative that reflects our behavior. We can change and improve them through practice. The first skill: Emotional awareness Conscious thought is a unique human skill that enables us to review our feelings and emotions and improve them when necessary. Although we attribute many qualities to cognitive awareness, it does not affect how we actually behave. Awareness of the emotional aspects of our interaction with reality is a pre-condition for improving our automatic emotional process. Emotional awareness identifies the cognitive perception of stimuli, neutralizing it and focusing on the physical sensation that these stimuli provoke. It enables us to identify Chapter 2: The emotional process reality and how our emotional skills function in it. Emotional awareness is the control panel that helps us to manage the emotional process and create the sense of a safe place. Emotional awareness focuses on physical sensations and mutes cognitive awareness and analysis. The second skill: Understanding and a common language Human beings need a common language in order to recognize reality and communicate with others. We can never create a perfect common language, but our relationships with others are affected by the extent to which we can communicate with them. The better our language enables us to understand others and the more our definitions enable us to understand reality, the more secure we feel. The less other people understand us and the less we comprehend the world around us, the more our sense of anxiety increases. A common language and understanding create a sense of safety. The third skill: Emotional tools for interaction If we don't listen to others, we will never succeed in understanding or communicating with them. We were never taught how to listen or how to operate other emotional skills, including empathy, containing, mirroring and encoding hidden messages. Improving our emotional tools helps us function better in a human environment and feel secure in social situations. Empathy and listening create safety and trust in any human interaction. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training The fourth skill: Recreating the contract with our surrounding Our interactions with other people are based on unwritten contracts. We have never been taught how to phrase these unwritten contracts, but our level of confidence in any interaction is influenced by them, the expectations they arouse and their terms. We can improve our skill in phrasing contracts and expectations, thus making us feel more secure in social interactions. At the same time, we can create an unconscious contract with ourselves that defines our ground rules for living, our expectations from ourselves and our behavior. This is what defines our self-image. Any human interaction is based on an agreement that creates trust and a sense of safety. The fifth skill: Creating a safe physical place Our physical environment (our home, workplace or car) reflects our sense of a safe place. We have emotional tools that enable us to create the sense of a physical safe place at any time or place throughout our lives. Each of us uses these tools differently. The way we arrange our physical environment influences our sense of safety. The sixth skill: Time management Time is the raw material of our lives, and it is our most precious possession. As we improve our control over time management, so will our sense of safety increase. Managing our time successfully in the here-and-now gives us a sense of control, causing us to feel more secure. Controlling our time creates a sense of safety. Chapter 2: The emotional process The seventh skill: Formulating an emotional message Just as we need emotional awareness to initiate any interaction with others, we also need it in order to round off such an interaction. Emotional awareness helps us conclude each interaction and formulate a message that will give it meaning in the course of our lives. The message that we create at the end of each interaction enables us to control the progression of events and feel more secure. The emotional message concludes each interaction and creates a sense of continuity and safety. The seven emotional skills are not an abstract description of our tuning into the world, but an account of the tools with which we adjust ourselves to reality at any moment of our lives. In every interaction with reality, with ourselves or with others, we recreate the sense of a safe place by using these seven emotional skills. But in order to benefit from them, it is not enough just to understand how they work. We must practice them repeatedly during each interaction, until they become a way of life. The second part of this book will be devoted to presenting a training program that will help you do just that. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training Chapter 3 Emotional Training and practicing Emotional Training is not a substitute for psychotherapy. It does not solve problems, but rather suggests a new way of life that prevents crises and creates a continuous sense of a safe place. The work of Emotional Training is based on identifying the seven emotional skills and improving them by simulations and continuous practicing until this becomes a habit and a way of life. "I've experienced all kinds of therapy," said Ruth in a low voice, "and nothing has helped me. Why do you think you'll succeed in treating me?" Ruth was a successful 35-year-old interior designer, who had repeatedly failed to create intimate relationships with men. She had many friends and had had no difficulties in meeting interesting men from her own social circle. But although she really wanted to get married and have children, she was always attracted to men who disrespected, abused and abandoned her. "No," I replied, "I don't think I can treat you, and I have no wish to do so." Ruth had undergone several long-term periods of psychotherapy, so my reply really surprised her. "You don't want to treat me?" she replied angrily, probably feeling that she had again met a man who would abuse and abandon her. "So what the hell am I doing here? Are you wasting my time?" "I won't treat you," I replied calmly, "because you are not sick and you don't need treatment. You are wise and beautiful and successful, and you meet interesting men. You really want to find a partner among these men, get married and have children, and you invest all your free time in pursuing this end. But you repeatedly fail; you believe that you are defective and that someone needs to fix you, maybe me." "If I didn't believe you could do that, I wouldn't have come to you," Ruth interrupted. "Why do you think I'm willing to pay you so much Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training money?" "Because you believe in miracles," I replied, "and because you want someone else to do the job for you. But you are neither defective nor sick, and you don't need treatment. You can't find a partner because you expect the right man to come out of nowhere and help you realize your dreams, just as you expect me to treat you and solve your problems. But that will never happen." "Is it too late?" she was confused for a moment. "Do you mean that I'm too old?" "Nothing is too late," I said. "In the same way that you've learned to be an interior designer that knows how to fulfill your clients' special needs, you also need to learn and practice how to use your emotional skills and create a relationship with the men you meet." "And what do you think I've been doing the past ten years with all those therapists and workshops?" Ruth asked, exasperated. "I've spent so much time understanding that I don't want to be like my mother and that I'm fed up with looking for men like my father. I'm aware of my problems, but when I fall in love I forget everything and fall into the same trap over and over again." "I'm sure you're an expert in self-awareness and psychological insights," I smiled, "but unfortunately awareness doesn't change old habits and patterns, and you will continue to fail the same way you've always failed. I will not tell you anything new about yourself, but I can help you train your emotional skills, so that you can apply them more successfully." "And that will solve my problems?" asked Ruth. "No," I said. "That will not solve your problems, because you have no problems. The training will help you identify your emotional skills and improve them. Then you can go on practicing them and using them in a way that will help you create better relationships that are appropriate for you and your partner. It will not happen magically and it will only depend on whether you are prepared to work and practice every day." "It sounds very difficult," Ruth hesitated. "But it's really very easy," I reassured her. "If you persist with the practice, it will become a habit and a way of life. It's the same as any other knowledge you have acquired in your life, like learning to drive. Chapter 3: Emotional training and practicing Constant practice of your emotional skills will make acquiring the new habit easier and more efficient.” The myth of psychotherapy has made us forget our natural emotional skills, so we have neglected them and let them degenerate. This is not surprising, as our natural tendency to choose the easy way out causes us to give up responsibility for our lives to others and let them take control over us. In the same way we neglect our physical skills, so when we suffer from overweight, high blood pressure or other illnesses, we search for experts to repair our bodies. But while the awareness of the importance of our physical skills has increased, and many people integrate physical activity into their everyday schedule, Western culture practically ignores the importance of emotional skills. Conversely, such awareness is prevalent in Eastern cultures, for example in Buddhism and Taoism, and takes the form of meditation or Tai-Chi. We can all easily identify the seven emotional skills, but the way we were trained and educated causes us to cling to ideas and beliefs that blind us to the importance of these skills and the possibility of improving them. For example, we believe that contracts are only necessary in a business context; we don't know how to predetermine our expectations in intimate and personal relationships, where they are most crucial. One of the main threats to the emotional skills is the belief that external powers control us and direct our lives (an idea which forms the basis of Freud's theories and most religious beliefs). This belief is based on the premise that we do not control reality, but are influenced by powers that are greater than we are. But in accepting this belief, we ignore the fact that our emotional process enables us to cope with reality in various ways and that we can control our emotional responses. These responses are what influence the quality of our lives even more than reality itself. Emotional Training is based on each individual's ability to control the way he or she identifies reality and responds to reality, in the process realizing his or her human potential. This ability is what makes human beings unique, distinguishing them from all other creatures. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training Emotional Training is not based on preconceptions, but only on observation of human activity. Each reader may explore and re-define the emotional skills in accordance with his or her own personal experience. This is not an ideology, but a way of life that can be adapted to anyone's needs and beliefs. Practicing Emotional Training I became aware of the most important contribution of Emotional Training due to one of the supervisors of my PhD research. He was a well-known professor of psychoanalysis who had published many books and was the editor of a prominent professional journal. I would send him each chapter of my research by e-mail, and he would reply briefly, returning the printed pages to me by mail with his handwritten remarks. After I had sent him the third chapter, I received an email in which he stated that he had read the chapter and had returned it to me. I replied immediately: "Why didn't you write anything about my chapter? Do you expect me to wait two weeks for your comments and worry until I receive the chapter?" He replied: "Now you've really surprised me. In our meetings, I had the impression that you were so sure of yourself that you didn't let other people's criticism influence you. Here is what I wrote you concerning the first chapter of your work." He quoted the short paragraph in which he had praised my work as being excellent and mentioned that he had not expected such a clear English style from a foreign student. He then went on to tell me a story about one of his old friends, whose wife complained that he never told her that he loved her. He also quoted his friend's answer, which probably represented his own view: "I thought we had agreed about that when we got married, forty years ago." Like many others, my supervisor believed that an old agreement could remain legally binding for many years. As an experienced psychoanalyst, he was aware of the importance of the therapeutic contract, one that created trust between analyst and patient. But he also believed that once such a contract had been made, it would be valid indefinitely. Every businessman knows that contracts are useless if they are not Chapter 3: Emotional training and practicing applicable to changes in reality. Surprisingly, no one else seems to be aware of this, and even my experienced supervisor believed that old statements remain valid for many years. This belief in the permanence and perpetuation of agreements, expectations and emotions is strongly contradicted by reality, which is changing all the time. If you look around, you will find that the world keeps changing. Every second the sun changes position, trees grow and die and regenerate, houses are destroyed and roads are built, the temperature rises and falls and weather conditions fluctuate constantly, often catching us unawares. Human beings also change continually. We grow and age and our bodies change all the time, as do our moods, interests, hopes and expectations. It is hard to cope with these never-ending changes in reality, and we tend to ignore them and explain reality by creating our own personal narrative. Culture enables us to cope with changes in reality by fostering a belief in powers that are greater and stronger than we are, like the belief in God, the church, the state and the social order. On the one hand, this belief in supernatural powers leads to crisis when slow changes in reality contradict them, but on the other hand, such beliefs help us cope with small everyday life changes. However, progress, rapid technological change and the frequent social upheavals that are typical of the 21st century have all resulted in a new human reality, in which old beliefs are no longer adequate. Putting our faith in constant truths is contradicted by frequent changes in reality, leading to crisis stemming from stress, tension and the widening gap between our fixed patterns of behavior and the world we live in. Emotional Training is a method intended to constantly tune us into reality from minute to minute. It is not a 'therapy' that offers to repair or 'heal' us, and it does not propose a single theory or 'insight' that will change our lives. Emotional Training transforms the continuous practice of emotional skills into a new way of life, one that enables us every moment to attune ourselves easily and naturally to small changes in reality. However, although Emotional Training is uncomplicated and easily performed, it is based on assumptions that contradict our most cherished habits and beliefs. Until it becomes a way of life, we have to take responsibility for constantly practicing it. If we do so, it will Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training become a new habit, a routine of continuous change. In the second part of this book, I will present a step-by-step guide for practicing Emotional Training. Using this guide will allow you to experience Emotional Training and transform it into a way of life. Another possibility would be to apply the steps outlined in this book while guided by a professional, in the same way as you would learn to drive a car or paint. You can then persist in practicing them until they become a habit and a way of life. Reality changes all the time, and without adjusting to these changes, we will face crisis. Emotional Training consists of ongoing practice that enables us to constantly attune ourselves to changes in reality. Natural learning by playing and practicing "He doesn't want to talk about it," complained Rena, while Rafael looked at her, silently. They were both in their fifties, lecturers at the university. Recently their younger son had left home and moved into a rented flat with his girlfriend. Rena believed that this presented a wonderful opportunity to leave the big house in the village, where she invested a lot of energy in both the house and the garden, and buy a small flat in the center of Tel Aviv. She thought that after many years of taking care of their children they could now enjoy their freedom, as they did when they were young students in London. She wanted to go to the theater, see films, meet friends in coffee shops and enjoy the cultural opportunities of the big city. But Rafael wouldn't even discuss it. "I know how much he misses the children," said Rena. "He always played with them, worked with them in the garden and trained them to ride horses. Now he cooks great meals and wants them to eat with us every weekend. But I'm happy just knowing they are now living their own lives, and I prefer spending the weekends away from home." When we met, Rafael was actually glad to talk freely about it. He said that he loved his wife and that they were very happy with their lives and their marriage. He admitted that it was not easy for him in to stay in an empty house without the children, and that the thought of Chapter 3: Emotional training and practicing moving to another house scared him. I asked them what they expected from me. Rena said that it was important for her to maintain their good relationship and their marriage and that she understood Rafael's difficulties in coping with the changes in their lives. But she also wanted him to understand her needs. She wanted me to help them cope with the changes they were experiencing. Rafael said that he understood Rena's needs, but that he still was not prepared for another change. He expected me to help Rena feel satisfied with their happy life instead of endangering it by shaking its foundations. "If you had come to me for couples' therapy," I said, "we could talk about it for weeks and months, in an attempt to understand your problem and try to solve it. But I don't think you have a problem. You are experiencing a process of change, and you can benefit from this process. Each of you has a different way of coping with change. You, Rafael, want to make as few changes as possible. You want to keep your home life as it is and create a new kind of ongoing relationship with the children. You, Rena, want to realize an old dream by moving to the big city. Each of you is coping differently with change, since each of you has a different image of a safe place." They both agreed with me. "So what are we going to do now?" asked Rena practically. "If each of us copes in a different way, we are liable to find ourselves in different places, and that is not a good option at all." "Yes," I agreed, "that is not a good idea, since in the process you will both lose your common safe place, which is your marriage. But if we agree that you both want to stay married, will you be ready to consider each other's different needs and find a way to support one other?" "Of course we will," Rafael's answer surprised me. "My uncle passed away recently, leaving me a great deal of money, and I'm ready to invest it in a small apartment in Tel Aviv. I'm even prepared to try sleeping there one night a week." "Really?" Rena cried, hugging him. "Why didn't you say so?" Although a simple solution had been found, we kept meeting over the next few months, since Rafael was nervous about his own Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training suggestion, worrying that the change would be too great. In the following sessions we did simulations, experiencing different future situations. We explored Rafael's option of keeping his safe place in the old house, while at the same time creating a private space in the new apartment. We also tried to imagine their lives without the children in the old house, as well as ways to create new family interactions that would facilitate the change and maintain all their family relationships. Emotional Training is not a 'therapy', in which you talk about your life and try to understand it, but a process of learning and training, in which you identify your emotional skills and learn how to develop and improve them so that they will be finely tuned to everyday needs. We are born with no skills, either physical or emotional, and we are dependent on our parents during long years of growing up. With the support of our parents and teachers, we must develop all the skills that will enable us to attune ourselves to reality and become independent. We do this by using our natural learning potential, based on playing and practicing, without which we could not develop or become independent. We do not learn our basic skills from theories or lectures, but by experiencing and practicing. Cognitive awareness plays only a small part in this process by helping us identify our mistakes and amending them. This can be seen by observing early child development. When a baby learns to walk, it tries to practice balancing itself again and again, by transferring its weight from one foot to the other. The baby repeatedly falls and gets back up. Through a long practice process, it learns to correct its mistakes and acquire the art of walking, which becomes automatic within a few months. The baby learns how to speak in a similar way. First, it cries and screams and communicates its needs by bodily gestures. Slowly it starts imitating words without knowing what they mean and tries using them. Over many months it attempts to pronounce single words, guessing at their meanings, gradually combining them to form sentences. Babies and young children are intuitively aware of the secret of repetitious practice, which enables them to acquire new skills until they become automatic habits. For this reason children always ask us Chapter 3: Emotional training and practicing to read them the same story over and over again, until they learn it by heart. If you watch children playing, you will notice that they always invent games involving role play and practice them over and over. They imitate their parents and relatives when they start crawling, walking and eating, and also when they develop emotional skills and learn to communicate. They build using wooden blocks or anything else they can find, creating pieces of reality that imitate their surroundings. Natural learning is based on the child's personal experience and is geared to its abilities. Playing and practicing enable the child to acquire skills in a natural and simple way that becomes a part of its behavioral repertoire. So-called 'educational' interruptions often damage children's natural learning processes and force them (as adults are forced later in life) to learn by artificial methods that ignore their personal experience and qualifications. It is obvious that physical skills like swimming or other sports activities are acquired through training and practice. Unfortunately, in more abstract fields of learning, practice and training are replaced by more sophisticated learning methods. We learn by listening to lectures, watching TV programs or using computers, while making use of dictionaries and calculators to facilitate the process. Passive learning may be shorter and easier, but the skills we acquire passively are less effective in the long run. Passive learning entails a reduction in students' sense of responsibility and control and makes them dependent on teachers and equipment. Compulsory education is forced on children, creating resistance and obscuring the important role of practice in selfdevelopment. The resistance to responsibility, learning and practice is also expressed in the way we treat our bodies and our health. Instead of choosing a healthy way of life that can prevent illnesses and physical disabilities, we prefer to ask specialists to 'fix' and heal us after we have developed such problems. Similarly, instead of acquiring skills for personal development, we approach psychologists and spiritual teachers, asking them to 'fix our minds' and provide us with guidelines for living. Practice is a forgotten art, although it is the most effective way to Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training develop and improve our emotional skills. Emotional Training is based on the natural learning process and on one's unique experiences and needs. The best way to practice and acquire skills is simulation based on personal experience, rather than theoretical knowledge. Emotional Training should be experienced through our natural learning ability, since that is how we can reconstruct those natural methods of acquiring emotional skills that we developed in early childhood. In the second part of this book, I will present the seven emotional skills, and ways to practice and learn them through play and simulation. My suggestions are only some possible options for learning and practicing, and you can always combine them with other role play and practice techniques that you have already acquired. Emotional training is based on playing and practicing, the natural way of learning and acquiring skills. Know your emotional skills Each of us has seven emotional skills that are modified in accordance with our special needs and unique life experience. Our individual and personal practice of these emotional skills creates our so-called 'personality'. Identifying our seven emotional skills and acknowledging their special characteristics are a pre-requisite for practicing Emotional Training. Each of the seven emotional skills serves us in every interaction at any moment of our lives. The manner in which we practice our emotional skills influences all our actions and feelings. The better we identify and understand how the emotional skills function, the more will we enhance our control over our emotional process and learn to create the sense of a safe place. We will then be equipped to avoid anxiety, even in the most difficult situations. As you read the following chapters, try for a moment to ignore your beliefs and assumptions. In addition, try to relate to the emotional skills as if they were simple tools with no ideological implications. Try to identify each of your own emotional skills and explore the way you use it in your everyday life. Then take the time to Chapter 3: Emotional training and practicing observe your interactions with friends, family members, colleagues and strangers - and even with yourself - through the prism of the seven emotional skills. The more you observe and review your responses according to the seven emotional skills, the easier will it be for you to identify their role and efficacy in your life. You may discover when they help you create a safe place and under which circumstances you let yourself down and undergo crisis. Only after you are thoroughly acquainted with your emotional skills should you start practicing them. Thus you will succeed in changing them and improving how your emotional process functions. Identifying our emotional skills in each interaction precedes the practice of Emotional Training. Training and practicing Emotional Training does not heal, nor does it create change. Change occurs only when the training becomes a habit and a way of life and functions automatically. Emotional Training is the first stage in the process of rehabilitation and improvement of the emotional skills. This stage enables you to recognize your emotional skills, identify how you use them, and check how they are functioning. At this stage you can choose to change and improve your emotional skills and develop the appropriate tools for doing so. In the second part of this book, I will present the seven emotional skills. By practicing and improving these skills you will acquire the basic tools of Emotional Training, which will enable you to control and manage your emotional process in an effective way and constantly develop it. In the second stage, you will need to practice Emotional Training until it becomes a habit and a way of life. As you practice and assimilate Emotional Training in all your interactions, it will become easier, until the point where you are no longer aware of the process itself. After Emotional Training becomes automatic, only a second of awareness will be necessary to continue controlling your emotional Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training skills. This automatic activity will enable you to constantly attune your emotional skills to changes in reality and avoid crisis. Emotional Training is therefore the starting point for a way of life in which you can control your emotional process and attune it to reality. In order to keep it functioning, you will have to practice your emotional skills regularly. This may be tiring at first, but it will eventually become effortless. Emotional Training it the first stage of creating a way of life that is based on constant improvement of the emotional skills. Emotional Training as a way of life One can regard Emotional Training as an effective diet. You can find fast and easy ways to lose weight by drastically cutting down food consumption or by using weight-reducing preparations, but such diets are difficult to maintain over a long period, and people eventually tend to gain all the weight back again. You can also try diet books and costly group therapies to keep your weight down. These may help you lose weight, but your individual needs and the temptations of delicious, high-calorie food can make it difficult to stick to a diet over time. The best way to keep our weight down is to choose a healthy way of life, continuously being aware if the foods we eat correspond to our needs and the changes in our bodies. This seems obvious, but it forces us to take responsibility for the food we eat and adjust our diet to constant changes in our lifestyles and time of life. Emotional Training does not offer miracles that will prevent difficulties and problems, nor is it a unique recipe for a crisis-free life. As is true of a successful diet, Emotional Training provides tools for creating a healthy way of life by taking responsibility for maintaining our emotional skills. This method is not employed in the same way by everyone; it must be modified to suit every individual's needs and capabilities. By taking responsibility for your life and practicing your emotional skills every day, you can improve your sense of a safe place and better realize your human potential. Chapter 3: Emotional training and practicing The method of Emotional Training is not a manual, but a way of life that must be adjusted to your own needs. Creating an emotional immune system The activity of the emotional skills is actually our emotional immune system. When this system functions properly, it prevents crisis and helps us cope better with ongoing changes in reality. This system does not automatically function properly. Falling back on old habits and being afraid of change leads to breakdowns in our emotional immune system, causing us to settle for false safe places. Thus, our emotional immune system does not work automatically or continuously, but functions only in times of crisis. This can damage the emotional system and reduces our sense of security in the world. Emotional Training is meant to activate our emotional immune system. It adds an additional sense of security and improves the emotional system's warning mechanism. By choosing Emotional Training as a way of life, we can activate our emotional immune system and keep it functioning properly. It is not necessary to make a special effort to choose Emotional Training, but it can effect true change. We can replace the vicious circle of crises and temporary solutions with a series of small changes that tune us into life in an easy and secure way. Such a way of life creates the sense of a safe place and enables us to cope better with natural difficulties. It also frees us from the enormous amounts of effort we invest in defending ourselves from danger, allowing us instead to direct our energies to creative activity. The emotional skills create our emotional immune system. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training PART II: Practice Seven Emotional Skills Chapter 4 Preliminary guidelines Each of the seven skills towards creating a safe place has to be practiced separately and continuously until it becomes a habit. Then the next skill can be added and practiced. It is advisable to integrate creative and physical activities while practicing each of the seven emotional skills. These seven steps are practiced through the natural learning method of games-playing and simulations. The goal of the practice is not 'success' but constantly and persistently effecting small changes. This part of the book presents the seven emotional skills for creating a safe place, together with efficient training methods. It also explains how to acquire tools for implementing these skills in everyday life. Before outlining the seven skills, I will discuss the key requirements for using them. When learning the seven emotional skills, it is important to practice each of them separately and continuously. Only when each skill becomes second nature is it time to begin practicing the next skill. There is no natural order to the seven emotional skills. Each of them plays a role in everyday life at its own appropriate time and place. However, while not being more important than the others, the first and last skills are exceptional. This is because the first skill (emotional awareness) plays a vital role in each of the other skills and the last one sums up all our interactions. Emotional Training is very simple and almost self-explanatory. Nevertheless, those who practice it must be prepared to implement it, thus turning it into an effective way of life. In order to improve our emotional processes, this involves getting rid of previous habits that waste our emotional energy, in the same way that we place pressure and stress on our bodies by constantly striving for achievements, higher education, careers and partners. We thus needlessly activate many physical systems that create long-term damage and lead to heart attacks, ulcers, high blood pressure and joint pain. Methods such as the Feldenkrais technique, yoga or tai-chi, cope with such problems by Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training offering different forms of relaxation. Emotional Training also helps us relax, as unproductive habits gradually diminish, giving our emotional skills the chance to operate in an effective, natural way. The art of living The practice of Emotional Training leads to the art of living and influences our quality of life. As in any art form, the balance between constant and variable components in our lives generates meaning. The constant components are the habits and patterns that motivate us and create a sense of a safe place, while the variable components are those changes that create discomfort and anxiety. In any kind of art form, the constant components create a sense of trust and confidence. For many of us, looking at a familiar paining or listening to well-known music is reassuring, while abstract paintings or contemporary music may arouse anxiety. Art that is totally based on familiar patterns often bores us and we sometimes deem it 'kitsch', whereas art that is based wholly on unusual configurations and surprises can also lose its interest. We regard 'good' art as a delicate balance between familiar patterns and small innovations in ways that do not give rise to anxiety. This is why Mozart became such a highly regarded composer: he knew how to base his music on familiar melodies, while transforming them in ways that stimulate our curiosity. The Beatles did something similar by introducing new rhythmic elements into traditional musical forms. The art of living also forces us to search for familiar habits and patterns that make us feel secure, while at the same time creating continuous little changes that give meaning to our lives. On the one hand, a totally secure and routine life with no changes and surprises may lose its meaning; on the other, a life fraught with never-ending changes and adventures may also come to feel meaningless. ‘Meaning’ here may be defined as an authentic sense of a 'safe place' that is constantly tuned into changing reality. However, a ‘false safe place’ that is not tuned into reality can lead to dissatisfaction with so-called secure and safe habits, and can ultimately result in crisis. Small changes create meaning by fine-tuning our daily habits and patterns to changes in reality, thereby creating a flexible and authentic safe place that strengthens our emotional immune system and prevents Chapter 4: Preliminary guidelines crises. Therefore, the main goal of Emotional Training is to provide us with tools for creating small and constant changes that will adapt our habits and patterns to changes in reality on a daily basis. Emotional Training is therefore not a single experience that heals or changes our lives, but a way of life that forces us to take responsibility for how we live and maintain our emotional skills on a daily basis. The analogy I have drawn between life and art is no coincidence. Creative and artistic work is unique to human beings, and it is one of the most efficient ways of create the sense of a safe place. A distinction that is commonly but erroneously made between 'artists' and others has caused many people to give up on any creative activity. But actually there is no difference between painting, composing music, writing stories, cooking, woodworking or gardening. Practicing Emotional Training will enable you to realize your creative potential without the need for any special 'talent' or skill. While practicing each of the following emotional skills of creating a safe place, try to integrate as many artistic and creative activities as you can. As in art, the balance between constant habits and changes create a sense of trust and safety. Physical activity and emotional training Emotional Training is based on the assumption that the emotional process is not 'spiritual' or abstract, but an integral part of our physical activity. This means that there is always a relationship between emotional and physical activity. This assumption sheds new light on our emotional activities. The idea that emotional skills actually influence physical activity, and vice versa, suddenly renders the whole idea of the psycho-physical phenomenon clear and simple. Consequently, we can achieve better results by linking our practice of the seven emotional skills to specific physical activities. Linking between the emotional and the physical enhances the learning process and creates a kind of conditioning that helps us assimilate our newly-acquired emotional skills into our Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training emotional processes. Physical and creative activities are the two external elements that enhance the natural Emotional Training process. Although they are not vital to the training process, they add a practical and beneficial dimension to it. As we progress in the direction of our own safe place by means of practicing the seven emotional skills, I will present various options for creative and physical activities that can be linked to each of them. These serve merely as suggestions: feel free to choose the right options for you based on your own repertoire of personal experience. Emotions are part of our physical activity, so integrating physical and artistic activity helps us practice our emotional skills. Advantages and disadvantages of rituals and habits In order to create the sense of a safe place, we embrace habits and perform rituals and ceremonies. Behavioral habits pervade many areas of our lives, such as eating, sleeping, working and creating relationships with others. Our habits also include constant rituals, both personal (performed while cleaning and washing, preparing for bed, shaving, taking care of our bodies, etc.) and cultural (family ceremonies, religious rituals, national festivals). Habits and rituals are vital to our lives; we do not feel secure without them, since they fulfill the natural needs of our emotional skills. In fact, it is impossible to create the sense of a safe place without them. Nevertheless, many habits and rituals that are not attuned to our daily lives can debilitate and undermine us by creating a 'false safe place' that can prevent us from acquiring more beneficial habits. Our lives are characterized by the constant tension created between our existing habits and rituals and the threatening need to change and fine-tune them to constantly shifting real-world forces. This tension creates unavoidable crises and forces us to effect extreme changes in our lives. Crisis theories attempt to explain this natural phenomenon that controls our emotional lives. Choosing the option of controlling Chapter 4: Preliminary guidelines and improving our emotional skills provides an alternative, enabling us to gradually and constantly coordinate our habits with changes in reality. Emotional Training consists of practicing the seven emotional skills of creating a safe place until they become new, moderate and intuitive habits that constantly adjust us to reality, thus preventing crisis. Emotional Training, then, is a new kind of emotional skill that enables us to control our emotional processes and strengthen our sense of a safe place. It does not demand any special understanding or knowledge, but only persistence. Persistence is a precondition for Emotional Training. The reality game: a natural simulation for emotional training Emotional Training is not an artificial process that is experienced in a laboratory, in psychotherapy sessions or in a classroom, but an intrinsic part of daily life. My Emotional Training workshops are only an introduction: you will have to do the actual work by yourself. As I mentioned above, playing, simulation (role play) and mental imaging are all natural learning processes; this applies equally to the practice of Emotional Training. You do not have to understand or remember the seven emotional skills and their use, but only to practice them as a game or simulation as much as you can. You can do this intentionally, by rehearsing simulations of each of the seven emotional skills, by yourself (by using your imagination, writing or playing special card games) or with someone else (a friend, professional tutor or family member). Then after you have mastered each simulation, you will need to practice it in 'real life'. This means starting to practice your simulations in their natural habitat, testing them in everyday life situations. You can rehearse simulations by writing letters (that you never actually send) in which you express emotions that you cannot express in face-to-face interactions. When you are ready to share your feelings, you can try this out in real interactions with another person. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training When practicing the emotional skills in 'real time', choose one of them and apply it over and over again in various everyday situations. For example, you can clearly and precisely formulate what you expect from the interactions you experience every day. This demands courage, and includes the risk of some failures, but trial and error is in fact the best way to improve your emotional skills. It is important to think of the practice of our emotional skills as a game that constantly reminds us of our responsibility for our choices and our ability to control and improve our emotional skills. By play and simulations, we can make the practice of the emotional skills a way of life. The natural environment of Emotional Training The goal of Emotional Training is not to solve problems or reveal new insights. Its purpose is to help us live our lives in a better and more creative way and experience ourselves as existing in a 'safe place', wherever we are and whatever we do. Therefore, the natural environment of Emotional Training is not a psychiatrist’s couch or a therapeutic facility, but life itself as we experience it day by day. No special props are necessary for the practice of Emotional Training. All we need is to integrate it into our daily activities until it becomes an integral part of our lives. If we consider each of the emotional skills of creating a safe place as a kind of familiar game or simulation, we will be able to implement them in any situation or locale. For example, let’s say if we choose to implement the fifth skill (the creation of a physically safe place), we can simulate the mental image of our 'dream house'. First we can mentally picture a house in which we feel safe and which resonates with our dreams and expectations, and then (after distinguishing between 'false safe places' and the authentic safe place) we can practice this simulation wherever we find ourselves throughout the day. Our homes: If we keep in mind that Emotional Training does not suggest a single and comprehensive solution, but rather Chapter 4: Preliminary guidelines involves a continuous adaptation of our patterns and behaviors to changes in reality, we can observe the order and design of each room in our homes, and then make small adjustments to make it closer to our 'dream house'. We can be aware of how we feel in the kitchen, the bathroom or the bedroom, or on the balcony. Each new observation can lead to minor changes, such as moving furniture, changing colors, adding a picture or an artifact or removing objects that are no longer needed. Secondary activity centers: Each of us spends many hours a day away from home, usually at work or at school. Here too we can introduce elements that will give us a feeling of 'home'. In addition, we can create a space in these places that makes us feel more secure. Temporary locations: We occasionally spend relatively long periods of time away from home: in hotels, hospitals or rental apartments, or when we stay with friends. There are various techniques for attuning such places to our current needs, thus creating a safe place for ourselves. Casual encounters: We conduct short-term interactions with other people in places such as official or private offices, coffee shops or even in the street. On such occasions we can also incorporate methods for creating a sense of security. Threatening places: It sometimes happens that we find ourselves in places where we feel threatened and insecure. These might be locations where we are forced to be against our will, such as police stations or income tax offices. We might also feel threatened in dark alleys or demolished buildings, in closed spaces or on high mountains. In such places we have to call upon experience to help us drive away fear and create as safe a place as possible. Favorite places: We all have places that we love, where we feel relaxed and safe. These might be found in the wild or in a private corner of the home or garden. It is recommended to spend as much time as we can in such spaces and examine why they make us feel so safe, so that we can recreate them elsewhere. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training We can also practice imaging our favorite places while performing all kinds of daily activities. When we are on the move, our bodies themselves are the scene of the action, and the way we use our emotional skills influences our sense of a safe place. Work spaces: Our work can take us to various places: our regular place of employment, our homes or gardens, or numerous other locations. We can adapt ourselves, our clothes and our tools to any work environment, thus creating a feeling of security whenever necessary. Eating places: We can choose where we eat (at home or outside, while sitting or standing), but we can also determine the setting - the table, the cutlery, the dishes. Controlling where and how we eat can maximize both safety and convenience. Conveniences: We actually spend a considerable time every day in the toilet. Toilets can be smelly, grey, gloomy and characterless. Conversely, they can be clean and well designed, filled with plants, bookshelves, personal photographs, or even a notebook for jotting down one’s thoughts. Toilets like these can give us a safe, pleasant feeling. The bedroom: We spend almost a third of our lives in bed. Sleep has a significant influence on our daily functioning and the quality of our lives. Making sure our sleeping area is a safe and pleasant place can improve our quality of life. Travel: When we are in motion, we don’t have the sense that we are occupying a particular place. But in fact, even on the road we can create a place where we feel secure. Institutions of learning: The place where we study, whether a school, a university or a community center, can considerably influence how well we will learn. Here too we can succeed in creating a comfortable and safe learning environment. Sexual relationships: The most intimate interactions we have with others occur in sexual relationships. Yet we do not always know how to create a safe place for sexual interactions, one that is protected from external disturbances. Interactions with others: All our encounters with other people take place in some kind of physical environment, which can be Chapter 4: Preliminary guidelines made safe in order to enhance the success and enjoyment of such meetings. Recreation: We all spend our free time engaging in recreational activities that bring us satisfaction and pleasure. We can create a safe and comfortable physical place for these activities. The above partial list of activities indicates how physical spaces can be improved in order to enhance one’s sense of security. These suggestions may seem daunting unless we keep in mind that we are not recommending drastic, one-time changes. You merely have to close your eyes for a moment and check how a particular place makes you feel, and then decide what minor changes could make you feel more at ease. The more you practice, the more your general sense of a safe place will improve. In order to avoid the danger of feeling overwhelmed, it is better to focus on one emotional skill - and one simulation - at a time and to practice it until you feel comfortable before going on to the next skill. Emotional Training is not a program that you have to 'finish' in a specific amount of time, but a daily regime that must be carried out in order to become an enduring and effective way of being. Only after you have practiced games and simulations many times, and you feel that the practice of the skill has become a habit, should you add the second skill, and then those that follow. You can play and simulate the emotional skills at any time, wherever you are. Small changes The Western world, in which we live, is based on a culture of rapid change, competition, achievement and materialism, all of which often depend on aggressiveness and power struggles. While success in this world would seem to promise us security, whether authentic or false, it can also create a high degree of stress, which actually reduces our sense of a safe place in the world. Several approaches suggest relief from pressure and distress based on those same competitive, Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training materialistic values, presenting immediate solutions based on crisis theory. Emotional Training deals with stress and insecurities differently: it does not promise to solve problems or effect rapid change. In fact, Emotional Training does not offer solutions at all, but rather a path towards building a safer and more creative life. Expecting quick change, or even investing a huge effort in achieving it, may well undermine Emotional Training, since this contradicts its basic assumptions and established aims. The most important demand of Emotional Training, apart from persistence, is the ongoing enacting of small changes. The reason for this is that we learn best through playing and simulation, while constantly making small improvements as we practice and gain experience. This can be compared to athletes training for the high jump, who do not attempt to achieve their best results in a short time. They slowly and incrementally add a few millimeters each week, until their muscles gradually adapt and are ready for yet further achievements. Only after a long training period will this result in impressive gains. Similarly, small, gradual adjustments are more suited to our emotional process than drastic changes. Gradual change enables our emotional process to adapt in a natural and continuous way. Furthermore, it is easier to make minor, gradual adjustments, as they give us a sense of control and build our confidence. Unlike dramatic sweeping changes, minor ones can be easily adapted to our environment, proving more effective in the long run. Extreme rapid changes threaten our sense of safety. Small changes are the most effective way of maintaining our emotional skills. Failure as a condition for success The ideals of success and perfection characteristic of our culture are liable to hinder the implementation of Emotional Training. Our wish to succeed and our fear of failure deter us again and again from developing our potential in seemingly threatening directions. Chapter 4: Preliminary guidelines Emotional Training is designed to create the sense of a safe place by a never-ending honing of our emotional process (through our personal narratives) to fit reality. This continued tuning through small changes and revisions can never be absolute, since changes in reality, by their very nature, will always be one step ahead of us. If you view this constant tuning as a target that has to be reached 'successfully', you will probably be disappointed and lose faith in the whole method. The expectation of 'failure' in the tuning process is an integral part of Emotional Training and plays an important role in controlling and maintaining our emotional well-being. These small daily 'failures' keep us repairing the emotional process and narrowing the gap between our narratives and reality. Repeated failure serves as our most reliable source of information, enabling us to continue identifying and improving our emotional skills and helping us successfully control our emotional process. The goal of Emotional Training is to maintain constant control over our emotional process. Through repeatedly failing and improving our adjustment to reality, we create the sense of a safe place, which is the goal of Emotional Training. Small failures contribute to our development and learning Mutuality Each of the seven emotional skills that are presented in this section of the book plays a role in the process that enables us to create the sense of a safe place. The context of this process is the interaction or relationship between oneself and reality, especially when it involves other people. It may appear as if the practice of Emotional Training focuses only on one’s own sense of a safe place. But since one’s sense of security is always dependent on interaction and relationships, it will always be false if it doesn’t take others into account. As you practice the seven steps of Emotional Training, you should always be aware of the other people involved in the interaction and attempt to invest the same amount of effort in creating the sense of a safe place for them. Your own well-being is conditional upon that of others, and this may well Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training explain the phenomenon of altruism. Emotional Training is grounded in mutuality, without which you may fail in your efforts. In fact, implementing the emotional skill of creating a safe place for other people, and even the global ecosystem, may enhance your own sense of a safe place. Your sense of a safe place always depends on the safety of others; therefore Emotional Training is based on mutuality. Chapter 5 The first skill: Emotional awareness The first emotional skill is emotional awareness regarding our emotional process. In any encounter we can identify our responses to stimuli and their physical manifestations. Integrating breathing exercises can help us identify the link between our emotional processes and immediate pleasant or unpleasant responses. "I've always had a big mouth," said Dr. Harris, "and it has screwed up my life. I could have been a professor ten years ago, but always at an inappropriate moment I find myself saying something that pushes me back to square one." Dahlia Harris is a well-known lecturer in a university psychology department, which she has headed several times. Her research and books are widely acclaimed. Oddly, she has never allowed her students, colleagues and even her close friends to call her Dahlia. Instead, she has insisted that everyone call her Dr. Harris. "It all started as a joke," she told me. "Both my first and second degrees were with honors, but I have never sucked up to anybody. You know our clique. My MA supervisor did his best to fail me when he found out that I needed to do things my way, and that made it almost impossible to find a supervisor for my PhD. I fought for it like a tiger, and only after one of my papers was published in an international journal did my readers accept my doctoral dissertation. I was a permanent lecturer in the university by then, and I forced everyone to call me Dr. Harris to make them aware that I would never give up, and to hell with all of them. By now they have all gotten used to it, so that even my husband calls me Dr. Harris. So please do the same." Meanwhile she has stopped practicing psychotherapy and has concentrated on research and writing. Her students loved her; her colleagues loved her less. She could not fit into academic circles, with their behind-the-scenes power games and malicious gossip. After years of research and publication in countless professional journals, Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training she was a natural candidate for a professorship, but it never happened. Despite loving her work, she found it difficult to overcome her disappointment. She felt as though she was reverting back to the past, when she had had to struggle with her supervisor to finish her PhD. It was then that she decided to come to me. "Do you know what really startled me?" she asked passionately during our second or third session. "Last month I met Joel in the corridor, and asked him as a member of the acceptance committee if he had also voted against me. Can you guess what his reply was? He said: 'Dr. Harris, it was you who created this situation. It would amount to cognitive dissonance to make you a professor and go on calling you Dr. Harris, as you have forced us all to do. Actually, the term "Professor" does not fit before you name'." "And do you know what? I had to agree with him. I myself have created this antagonistic image, and now I'm paying for it. That's why I came to see you." "I'm sure that you won't be surprised," I replied, "if I suggest that you simply ask everyone to call you Dahlia. This seems like a simple solution, and nobody will be surprised if you do it." "Don't think I haven't thought about it," she replied. "You know that, like you, I have researched narrative psychotherapy, so I'm aware that every person is a story. But I'm not naive enough to think that changing the title of my story will effect an immediate change." "I couldn't put it better myself," I agreed, "and I'm aware that you're not naïve. Although I believe that changing your story's title could have some influence on your colleagues, it wouldn't automatically influence your personal story. That's why I developed Emotional Training." "Hey, don't expect me to accept your method as gospel," she interrupted. "You know that revolutionary theories don't impress me anymore." "So why did you choose to come to me?" I wondered. "You probably know lots of specialists in this field." "That's precisely why I chose you," she smiled, "because you are not part of my clique. I know my colleagues' weaknesses, and I also know that theories are bullshit. You know as well as I do that relationships and trust are the core of psychotherapy. I heard you once Chapter 5: The first skill – Emotional awareness being interviewed on the radio and I liked your voice. Who knows? Maybe there is something to your ideas." It wasn't a real compliment, but I had to agree with her. "As we have already agreed," I reminded her, "Emotional Training is not psychotherapy, and I have no intention of curing or changing you, or of competing with your colleagues. So let's start working. Somehow I feel as if the question of a professorship is not really what's bothering you." "Really?" was her sarcastic response, accompanied by a loud groan. "You're actually right. I'm sick of myself, my cynicism, my bitterness, my aggressiveness and my whole big act. Do you think I like it? But I created this image, and that's how everyone knows me. I'm not sure if I haven't actualized this image, and become that miserable person. Do you think that one can actually change at the age of fifty-seven?" "Yes," I smiled. "I believe that we are changing every minute, and that we always have the option of changing direction. Let's start with the first emotional skill." In the following sessions, I unsuccessfully tried to guide her through the first skill, the emotional awareness. It was difficult because she had experienced many years of psychoanalytic psychotherapy, and naturally associated awareness with the search for unconscious motifs from the past. When I asked her to jot down her emotional responses to other people in a little notebook, it was difficult for her to describe her feelings directly. Instead she would write long interpretations based on early childhood reminiscences. I tried to explain that all I was asking her to do was describe the functioning of her emotional system. I wanted her to distinguish between positive and negative feelings, but she could not separate between what she felt and her interpretation of it. Eventually I suggested that she stop thinking about emotions and just become aware of her breathing. "That's it? Are you giving up on me?" she complained. "Are we going onto yoga?" "No," I laughed. "But I want you to forget all about this business of emotions and feelings. Just concentrate on your body. I hope that your knowledge of anatomy or medicine is limited. I believe that you have Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training had some experience with relaxation techniques, and I'm asking you now to make yourself comfortable in your chair, relax all your muscles, close your eyes and focus on your breathing. Don't do anything. Just listen to your breathing, to the way the air goes into your lungs and the way it leaves your body." "And what can we learn from that?" she sighed. I did not answer. I let her listen silently to her breathing, and watched how she slowly relaxed her body and shifted position in her chair. Later we practiced various kinds of breathing and the transition between relaxing and stretching the muscles. "How do you feel now?" I asked her. "I have no idea what you're trying to demonstrate," she whispered, "but I have to admit that it feels good. It's strange to realize how easy it is to feel better by relaxing one's muscles, and how seldom we do it." "That is exactly what I wanted you to experience," I said. "Breathing is the best indicator of our emotions. When we feel anxiety or stress we can hardly breathe, and when we feel good and relaxed our breathing is deep and constant. Our breathing mirrors our emotional system. Emotions are a physical expression of our functioning in the world. Negative emotions that respond to threats or discontent are expressed by an unpleasant sensation similar to restricted breathing. Positive responses to pleasant situations make us feel as though we are drinking in fresh air. Practicing your breathing and becoming aware of how you feel will make it easier for you to recognize your emotional reactions to different situations. Identifying positive or negative sensations without looking for explanations or interpretations will help you do this. After all, that's what our emotions are: purely physical sensations." That is how I began integrating breathing techniques into the practice of the first emotional skill. She kept practicing her breathing exercises, until some time later she was able to describe her physical sensations upon meeting students and colleagues. She would then write them down in her notebook. Instead of describing her feelings, as she had formerly done, she chose one of two options: "I can't breathe" or "It's like breathing in fresh air". Two months later she noticed that she "couldn't breathe" when she was arguing with people Chapter 5: The first skill – Emotional awareness who criticized or opposed her, and that she breathed in "fresh air" when she met people who loved and appreciated her. This simple truth surprised her, since she had always seen herself as a strong woman who had fought to defend her ideas and had always taken extreme and radical positions. Now she found that instead of endlessly arguing about theories and ideas, she preferred to spend time with people who liked her and she actually enjoyed making other people feel happy. She realized that she was not really interested in becoming a professor after all, and at the end of the academic year she took early retirement and volunteered as an advisor for students who were having difficulties completing their final theses. The first emotional skill is emotional awareness, which precedes all other emotional skills. It is important to distinguish between cognitive awareness and emotional awareness. The former is the first stage of our emotional process, one that makes us rational creatures who think and communicate through language. Emotional awareness ignores all cognitive aspects and focuses only on physical reactions to stimuli from reality. While our cognitive self-awareness is a dual process - awareness of awareness - emotional awareness is a higher level of awareness that distinguishes between the self-awareness of the cognitive awareness and our physical sensations. Our emotional awareness knows how to neutralize cognitive awareness, so that we can identify our physical responses without interruption. For example, when a schoolboy starts pushing and beating up the children around him while waiting for the bus, he can explain his behavior thus: "They pushed me… they always push me. It's not my fault. They do it on purpose because I'm better at mathematics." This is a cognitive explanation that offers a rational interpretation of an event. This child could also use his emotional awareness, and say: "I was so scared that I couldn't breathe. I only wanted to run away." The first explanation is rational, and it gives a logical interpretation of the event, but it does not help the child feel better. The second is not an explanation but a description of the boy's physical sensations. It enables him to identify his physical responses and search for a better way to cope with such situations. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training Emotional awareness is one of the seven emotional skills, which function according to the way we control them. It helps us identify our physical response to environmental stimuli and aids us in improving our emotional skills and attuning them to ongoing changes in reality. Emotional awareness is identifying our physical responses for what they are, with no explanation or analysis. Unlike cognitive awareness, emotional awareness does not function automatically. It is dependent on the way we operate it. If we use our emotional awareness to constantly observe our emotional process, alongside the functioning of our emotional skills, we can improve our ability to create our sense of being in a safe place, while also attuning ourselves more effectively to reality. Emotional awareness enabled Dr. Harris to recognize the gap between the functioning of her emotional system, which automatically responded to situations where she felt uncomfortable, and her rational perceptions stemming from her cognitive awareness. By enhancing her emotional awareness, she was able to discover that what was really motivating her was not her academic ambition, but another narrative, one she had previously ignored. She chose to adopt this alternative, thus enabling her emotional system to carry on functioning as it was. In fact she changed her life in a way that put it in step with her emotional system. The decision to accept the narrative that is in tune with our emotional system is not a 'right' or 'good' choice. There are always other options. Dr. Harris's choice of giving up her academic career and professorial title may seem difficult and brave. Although it obliged her to unexpectedly change her life direction, in actual fact it was the easier choice. If Dr. Harris had persisted with her academic ambitions, she would have needed, through extensive practice of her emotional skills, to change the narrative that activated her emotional system to the point where it could adjust to her new values. Such an inner change would have demanded far more persistence, forbearance and patience than the life choice she made. Chapter 5: The first skill – Emotional awareness Practice: emotional awareness The skill of emotional awareness is the first and most important of the seven emotional skills, since it enables us to identify the existence of our emotional process and to control the other emotional skills. It is a very simple skill, an almost obvious one, but only ongoing practice renders it effective. When you start practicing the first skill, you may become confused by the widespread disregard of our emotional skills, due to the myth of the 'mind' or the central role of rational thinking. Our rationality is liable to deceive us and make us think that we are already familiar with emotional awareness. In fact, we often mistake emotional awareness for cognitive awareness, the process of thinking that leads us to intellectuallize every stimulus. As we saw in the case of Dr. Harris, it blinds us to the true face of reality. As much as possible, when you practice the skill of emotional awareness, try and relinquish your cognitive awareness, which prompts you to search for explanations and interpretations. Emotional awareness is not a thinking process, but a simple, basic physical sense that represents the two poles of human nature: anxiety and the sense of safety. Awareness of the emotional system The emotional system receives stimuli from reality and responds in a simple and primitive way. It distinguishes between two kinds of stimuli: negative ones that include anything that provokes anxiety, and positive ones that include anything that creates a sense of safety. Our emotional system immediately transfers its responses to our emotional skills, which are responsible for our real-time responses. Before our emotional skills develop, our emotional system is activated by our basic instinct that paralyzes our physical systems at times of anxiety in order to save our lives. Unfortunately, although the basic instinct is not necessary in the 21st century, it still has a disruptive influence on our lives. The first goal of emotional awareness is to identify the basic instinct and replace it with a better response. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training Identify the characteristics of the basic instinct in times of anxiety. First, identify the physical sense of paralysis, difficulties in breathing and extreme muscle tension. Then identify your spontaneous emotional response that is expressed by aggression, anger, being transfixed to the spot and the urge to run away. Decide if your life is actually in any immediate danger. The basic instinct can help you avoid life-threatening situations. But such situations are rare, so the basic instinct is generally unnecessary. By continually recognizing that your life is not in danger, you will diminish the damage resulting from the basic instinct. Try to postpone a spontaneous response and avoid taking any action as much as possible. In order to do this, you can use the breathing exercises that will be presented at the end of this chapter. Try to replace the extreme response of the basic instinct with a moderate response from your repertoire. The emotional system's responses cannot be characterized as 'good' or 'bad', 'right' or 'wrong', and they represent neither values nor moral meanings. They are just responses that our cognitive awareness tends to analyze, justify and explain. We attempt to interpret them and search for their meaning, but all this has no impact on how we respond. Rather, we need to find out if this response is to our advantage or not. This is easy to do, since the main role of our emotional process is to put us in step with reality and enable us to feel safe in the world. When our degree of anxiety increases, we know that the emotional system is not serving us well, as it is not efficiently identifying dangers and is not helping us identify stimuli that may create the sense of a safe place. This happens, for example, when we continue trusting people who exploit and harm us, or when we mistrust our real friends and drive them away. In order to repair and fine-tune the emotional system, we have to be aware of how it reacts in real time, without trying to understand or interpret it. The operation of the emotional system is simple and we Chapter 5: The first skill – Emotional awareness only have to recognize if it makes us feel a pleasant, positive feeling or a negative, unpleasant feeling: Recognize the positive or negative feeling in every encounter with any kind of stimulus. This may seem impossible, since we engage in so many interactions every day, so choose to focus on one type of stimulus per day. For example, you can identify how you feel when you meet other people, when you need to make a decision or when you perform any daily activity, such as eating, working, going from place to place, and so forth. While you are focusing on your emotional awareness, try simultaneously to be aware of your breathing. This awareness will easily help you identify positive, pleasant feelings or negative, unpleasant ones. Remember that the positive or negative sensation is not an abstract feeling that needs analyzing or exploring, but always a physical sense, which is also expressed by your breathing. Write down how you feel. At the first stage of the emotional awareness step, it is advisable to carry with you a small notebook for writing down your impressions. For example: "I'm going to choir rehearsal. I don't really want to go. A negative feeling". Or: "I met Rose. I like her. Positive feeling". Despite the temporary inconvenience, jotting things down during this process of emotional awareness will eventually become easier. After a while, when you get accustomed to it, you will be able to know how you are feeling without the help of your notebook. If you cannot write while you are experiencing your feelings, try keeping an "emotional awareness" diary, adding to it as soon after the events as possible. Interacting with other people influences our emotional activity. After practicing your emotional reaction to various kinds of stimuli, especially interactions with other people, you may also become more aware of other people's feelings. This will enable you to distinguish between your own feelings and those of others, and also between others' feelings and reality. We frequently feel offended by other people's responses, assuming that they are intentionally trying to hurt Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training us. By identifying other people's emotions (minus explanations and interpretations), we can escape the trap of linking their behavior to ourselves, thus avoiding unnecessary bad feelings: When you try identifying other people's feelings and emotions, do not ascribe them to yourself and try not to interpret them. Remember that emotions are just a mechanical response to stimuli from reality. Try to describe how others respond in certain situation: are their responses positive or negative? Does it look as if they feel comfortable or uncomfortable? For example: "Mother called and asked us to come for dinner. She was almost whispering and her voice was trembling." Observing other people's breathing will help you understand their emotional responses. We respond spontaneously to the way other people breathe, and our breathing is influenced by it. If we are aware of our own emotions and of other people's emotional responses, we can also influence their feelings by our breathing. In the same way, if we are not aware of how others are feeling, our breathing may become tighter in response to the tenseness of their breathing. Continual practice of your awareness of the emotional system will become habit, so that you will eventually be able to control your emotional responses automatically and effortlessly. This will enable you to spontaneously identify those responses that may be potentially damaging, allowing you to constantly repair and improve your emotional skills. Awareness of our emotional system enables us to identify our emotional responses as they happen. Emotional awareness is effective when it describes positive or negative sensations, without explanations of interpretations. Awareness of the personal narrative The responses of our emotional system that directly influence our behavior are based on our personal narrative, the database of the Chapter 5: The first skill – Emotional awareness emotional system. When the emotional system receives stimuli from reality, it explores them through the data provided by the personal narrative. According to these data, it is able to differentiate between anxiety-arousing stimuli and those that create a sense of safety. Our personal narrative, therefore, represents the value system that orients us. These values are not organized in a list, but as a story that has a plot and is clearly formulated; for instance, the story that represents our religious belief influences our responses to various social stimuli. If we believe in the sanctity of marriage, any stimulus suggesting infidelity may be experienced as a threat. Our personal narrative is composed of many stories representing our personal and family history, our beliefs, plans, dreams and values. It is not a complete, homogeneous story, but rather an anthology of narratives, some of which even contradict one another. For example, we may see ourselves as freethinking and secular, while simultaneously retaining some family superstitions and rituals, like knocking on wood. In certain situations, two contradicting stories may serve to paralyze our emotional system. For example, we might love cooking and baking, and regard food as one of the pleasures of life, while at the same time longing to lose some weight. Such dissonance can cause us continuous suffering, rendering us unable to respond efficiently to the most basic everyday stimuli. When, through emotional awareness, we become well trained in identifying how our emotional system works, we will be able to broaden our emotional awareness. We will then also be capable of identifying the underlying narrative influencing our emotional responses. This awareness is vital, since it may help us detect contradictory narratives, or those that lead us to disappointment. Choose one response that makes you respond negatively or positively, then try to identify the narrative on which it is based. Do not try to explain this sensation, but close your eyes and identify the first image that comes to mind or what you are experiencing physically at that moment. The feeling or the image will always represent a story from your narrative reservoir. Sometimes it may be linked directly to the stimulus. For example, if whenever you return home and see your Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training neighbor watching you, you feel uncomfortable, you negative feeling may be due to a prolonged struggle with this neighbor over a parking space. However, the connection may be with another narrative about a man looking out of a window, associated with another story about someone intruding on his neighbor's privacy. It could be an incident that happened to you in the past, a story that someone else told you or a movie that you watched the previous week. You do not have to look for the one 'true' story that accurately explains your feeling or ransack your early childhood memories, as psychoanalysis would demand of you. Just stay with the image that comes to mind and the story that seems to be associated with it. Obviously, this story is a result of earlier events, and it may symbolize something else, but this is irrelevant to its influence on your emotional system. George was a 24-year-old student who came to me after an attempted suicide. He told me about his endless struggles at the university, fights with the house committee, never-ending arguments with friends and family, and the letters that he constantly sent to newspapers. He felt that he could not stand the injustice he saw everywhere. When I asked him to describe how he responded to this, he always told me long tales of his battles, justifying them by his high moral standards. It was not easy to ask him to separate his narratives from his values and expectations. Only after many attempts did he succeed in describing his actions for what they were. It was only then that he comprehended that his stories related to a reality where there was absolute justice. He also understood that in reality there is no such thing as absolute justice. This insight did not solve his problem, but it enabled him to understand his motivations when he confronted reality. It also allowed him to realize that it was possible to alter his narrative to be more in step with reality. Identifying our personal narrative can also be useful in our interactions with others. In the same way that you tried to Chapter 5: The first skill – Emotional awareness identify other people's emotional responses using your emotional awareness, you can now attempt to identify the narrative that is motivating their responses. Identifying other people's narratives will enable you to understand them better, discover what makes them feel threatened and learn how to make them feel more secure. Our observation of others is in fact a reflection of our own self-observation, so through identifying other people's personal stories, we will also be able to identify our own narratives. The best way to identify other people's narratives is to listen to the way they present themselves and the stories they tell. In order to accurately identify their narratives, try to focus on the emotional characteristics of their stories: their personal and family history, beliefs, political views, habits and customs and behavior with others. While you are identifying other people's narratives, remember that these are not necessarily their narratives, but only those you ascribe to them. Although identifying others' stories will help you understand more about them, it may also be misleading. In order to avoid such mistakes, you should listen carefully to other people's narratives whenever you meet them, gradually deepening you understanding and adjusting it to reality. A good way to identify your own personal narrative is to keep an upto-date 'emotional diary' (which will be described in detail in the next chapter). Writing focuses our awareness and affords a broad and retrospective view. Writing will also enable you to re-examine your personal narrative and better describe its influence on your emotional system. You naturally share your narratives when interacting with other people. You always introduce yourself in ways that include your personal narrative, such as "Hello. I'm Alex and I'm a computer technician. I was born in Leeds, and two years ago I moved to London and opened my own company". Through those narratives you relate stories, as well as everyday events: Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training "On my way I met Myra, and was surprised to find out that she looks so old. Her face is full of wrinkles". Listen to your narratives and notice the way you tell them. When you practice becoming emotionally aware of your narratives in writing or orally, avoid explaining or interpreting them; just focus on describing the plot. An example of this would be: "When I leave home early in the morning, I go to the children's room and give them a kiss." or "When she left me, I stayed in bed and cried for three days, forgetting to eat or take a shower. Then I read each of her letters and tore them into tiny pieces". The myth of psychotherapy causes people to endlessly explain and interpret their feelings in psychoanalytic terms. We notice this in statements, such as: "I repressed it the minute it happened and now it's coming back to haunt me…" Or, "Since we split up, I've been feeling terribly guilty…" Or another example: "I don't understand what's going on with me, but all my defenses are down…" These adaptations of psychoanalytic concepts have become part of everyday parlance. They explain why it is so difficult to observe reality as it is or describe it without explanations. Many people who undergo psychotherapy actually 'suffer' from a loss of their narrative skills due to being swamped by theories and explanations. It is worthwhile remembering that insights, explanations and self-analysis strengthen our intellectual skills and cognitive awareness, while at the same time weakening our emotional awareness and our ability to identify the simple narratives that motivate us. It is not easy to get rid of old habits, so it will take a lot of practice - either in writing or orally - to stop explaining and interpreting your narratives. This can be done either in 'laboratory conditions' (when you write or practice with others) or in 'real life', when you recount your stories in real time. Try to view your narratives as if you are watching a film, and describe them as they are, without trying to explain or interpret them. Chapter 5: The first skill – Emotional awareness Awareness of the narrative that influence your emotional system by describing your story with no explanations and interpretations will enable you to identify the motives behind your actions and the way to improve this mechanism. Awareness of the emotional skills Practice being aware of your emotions and your personal narrative until you can identify them naturally and effortlessly. Only then will you achieve the main goal of emotional awareness, namely the ability to identify the emotional skills, change your personal narrative and tune into reality. This will allow you to improve your emotional system on a daily basis. In order to be aware of your emotional skills, you must first familiarize yourself with them. This will occur when you practice the next six emotional skills. Practicing these six emotional skills actually includes becoming emotionally aware of these skills. As stated above, the emotional skills demonstrate the way you tune yourself into reality at any given moment, automatically creating your personal narrative. In order to change your narrative and make it correlate more successfully with reality, you should implement the emotional skill that changes that specific narrative. Choose a narrative that is not attuned to reality and decide what kind of change you wish to make. Review the seven emotional skills and identify which ones are necessary for making the change you have decided upon. Carefully examine how you plan to implement the skills you have chosen when making the change and decide how to go about improving each one of them. Using a simulation or a game, decide how to go about improving each of these emotional skills. Choose a behavior that can change your narrative, and practice it until it becomes automatic. In the following chapters I will present examples of behavioral changes that relate to each of the emotional skills. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training The first skill - emotional awareness - enables you to identify all the components of the emotional process and prepare yourselves to practice the following skills. Although the first skill does not actually effect change, but only prepares the ground for it, emotional awareness can create a sense of control and safety. The next six emotional skills do not have a definite, set order. Your own personal development will depend on your success with the first skill and on the subsequent emotional skills that you choose to practice and improve. It is essential that the first skill become a habit and a way of life, which will help you on a daily basis to activate the whole emotional process in a better way. Do not wait until you finish practicing all seven emotional skills. After experiencing each of them, integrate it into your ongoing practice of emotional awareness and explore the best way to use it. Emotional awareness enables you to identify other emotional skills, which can help you change the narrative that activates your emotional system. Practicing emotional awareness will help you continuously improve your emotional process. Activity: breathing I deliberately chose to link breathing with the emotional skills, because both are autonomous processes that are vital to our existence. We are also able to influence the way each of them operates. Breathing exercises are a convenient way to cope with anxiety, tension, stress and physical pain. They are also used by conventional medicine and psychotherapy, as well as by holistic and spiritual approaches. You can find many breathing exercises on the Internet, and any of them will make you healthier and improve your wellbeing. It is recommended to do breathing exercises as part of the first step of Emotional Training, since they enhance emotional awareness by means of a basic physical activity. The following exercises may be practiced at different times, but they are especially recommended when starting a new activity. They can be done in the morning when Chapter 5: The first skill – Emotional awareness you wake up or before bedtime, when you leave your house, before you meet someone, etc.: Observe your breathing. Notice how you breathe, without trying to change it. Do you breathe through your nose or through your mouth? Watch how the air fills your lungs. Do you notice any change in your body while you are breathing? Does the air fill your lungs or your lower abdomen? Listen to your breathing. Notice the sound of your breathing through your nose or through your mouth. Where does the sound come from (your abdominal cavity, your throat, your mouth)? How strong is your breathing? How deep is it? Get a sense of your breathing. Breathing is vital for living, and like a seismograph, it responds immediately to any sign of anxiety or safety. What do you feel as you become aware of your breathing? Do not try to explain this feeling. Just notice if it is positive or negative, pleasant or unpleasant. After you have practiced observing and listening to your breathing, and after you have learned to identify the pleasant sensation of taking a deep breath and the unpleasant one of holding your breath, you are ready to learn how to control your breathing by a few simple exercises. Practice them while you are sitting comfortably or standing, and go on practicing them in different situations throughout the day. You can practice these exercises while breathing through your nose or through your mouth: Deep breathing. Take a deep breath, filling your lungs at your usual normal rate, and then breathe out without trying to control its velocity. Repeat this five times, then return to your normal breathing for another five times. Alternate these two kinds of breathing for a while. Fast breathing. Inhale and exhale rapidly five times. Then return to your normal breathing for another five times. Alternate these two kinds of breathing for a while. Delayed breathing. Inhale slowly until your lungs are as full as possible. Stop breathing and count slowly to five, then exhale as Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training slowly as possible. If you breathe through your mouth, you can make a 's-s-s' or hissing sound that will enable you to feel the speed at which the air leaves your body. Repeat this five times and then return to your normal breathing for another five times. Alternate these two kinds of breathing for a while. These three basic exercises will enable you to reproduce, in a controlled way, various situations in which your breathing is influenced by external stimuli, whether positive or negative. Practicing such situations - and integrating them with repetitions of your intuitive breathing and with awareness of the breathing process will gradually enable you to neutralize the influence of tension and anxiety on your breathing. By being aware of your breathing awareness and identifying various stimuli, you will be able to control your breathing more efficiently. Breathing awareness and breathing exercises can help you enhance emotional awareness, since they illustrate in a natural way the way in which your emotions influence your breathing. Awareness of our breathing is in fact emotional awareness of our sense of anxiety or safety at any given moment. Chapter 6 The second skill: Common language The second emotional skill is our ability to create a language that describes reality, learn to identify false terms that mislead us, avoid abstract expressions and improve the way our narratives represent us and how we relate to them. By improving our learning and writing skills, we will broaden our lexicon and be able to present it more successfully to others. "I can't understand what's going on with him," Julia wrote me by e-mail. "Since he came back from Afghanistan, Paul is a different person. He was such a charming boy, and we used to talk and spend a lot of time together. After a slight injury to his arm during a terrorist attack, he was released from the army and returned home, but he didn't tell us anything about the event and didn't want to talk about his dead friends. He stays in his room most of the time listening to music, and he doesn't want to hear about enrolling in the university, as he had planned to do, or finding a job. When David invited him to go fishing with him, as they have always done since Paul was a child, he lost his temper and shouted that he didn't want to kill any more bloody fish. We really don't know what to do." Julia and David were almost fifty, and for the past twenty-five years their marriage had been serene and quite happy, with no exceptional events or unusual upsets. She loved her work as headmistress of the regional high school, and he had developed his greenhouse into a successful business and was regarded by his customers as a pleasant and quiet man. Their son's injury had traumatized their lives as much as it had their son's. "I don't know how to approach him," complained Julia. "We have always been so close, and now it feels as though he's become a stranger. I want my son back!" she wrote, and I could feel the deep pain in her words. "I told him about you," she wrote a few days later, "and asked him if he wanted to participate in one of your workshops, but he didn't Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training want to hear about it. I know that he needs help. Can I ask you to talk to him? Could you convince him to give it a try?" "You cannot force adults to seek help," I replied, "until they realize they need it. I myself was wounded in a war more than thirty-five years ago, and it took me many years to understand that I was suffering from post-trauma." "So what do you suggest? That I give up and watch him suffer forever?" she wrote after a few minutes. "I feel as if our whole life has been turned upside down and that we are totally in the dark. I really don't know what to do. I don't want to go through the years watching my son fade away. Can't you help?" "Julia, I'll do the best I can to help," I replied. "I can feel the pain and despair through your words, and I know how hard it is to cope with this new situation. I cannot help your son at this early stage, but I believe that you and David are also suffering from trauma. Working with you could create a supportive environment that would help Paul cope with his post-traumatic symptoms." The main motive for developing the Emotional Training method has been my personal experience with post-trauma since the war of 1973, when I was a young soldier in the Sinai desert. I was unaware of my problem for twenty years, until the symptoms increased and damaged my life, career and personal relationships. Emotional Training is the result of my own struggle with PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), and it is reflected in my everyday life as well as through my professional activities. My personal life experience and encounters with hundreds of PTSD victims and their families helped me understand Julia's story and empathize with what she was going through. I knew how hard it was for Paul to identify and cope with his own feelings of anxiety and anger, and how impossible it was for him to share them with others. I also knew how important it was to make him feel supported and to create a safe place for him. I could have suggested that Julia and David participate in one of the group workshops that I run for family members of PTSD victims, but I felt that at this early stage it might be too intimidating and intrusive. So I decided to design a special Emotional Training workshop for them at my guesthouse in a small Chapter 6: The second skill – Common language village in Bulgaria. It took about two months until they were able to digest the idea and come to me, so meanwhile I kept supporting them over the Internet. "It's such a relief to be here," said Julia when we first met at the little house among the cherry trees. "I've been teaching for so many years, and now I feel like a student again, ready to learn something new. Do you think that four hours a day for one week will be enough time for us to learn this method of yours?" David, who was sitting close to her on the sofa holding her hand, nodded. "No," I smiled. "I have no pretentions about changing your lives in seven meetings. My method is not a magical technique, but a way of life. Your son was wounded in the war, but his wound is invisible. He did not lose a hand or a foot, but rather his sense of safety and security, which I believe is as essential as breathing. I've seen many cases where creating a supportive environment is better than any kind of therapy, and no one can create such an environment better than close family. All I can do is present the basic emotional skills that will enable you to create the sense of a safe place, but it will be your job to practice them and apply them in your everyday life." "I'm sorry," said Julia. "If anyone should know the difference between learning and practicing, it's me; I'm always trying to make my teachers understand that. We hoped that as a therapist you could perform a miracle." "Yes, we did," agreed David, with a sad smile. "We'll do anything we can to help Paul cope with his trauma, but will it take a long time? Isn't there anything we can do right now?" "There is," I said, "and you're doing it. You can't change reality, and you can't prevent the trauma which has already occurred. But you can make it easier for yourselves and for Paul every moment of your lives together. We will start practicing seven emotional skills, but the most critical one for you now is the skill of creating a common language. If you want to understand Paul's trauma, how he's feeling and what's difficult for him, while also being aware of your own new situation, you must learn a new language and become acquainted with many new terms you have never encountered before." "What do you mean by a 'new language'?" asked David. "Our use of language," I answered, "is the skill with which we Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training create our worldview, so that we can explain the phenomena of reality to ourselves and communicate with others. This explains why knowledge and understanding make us feel secure, whereas ambiguity and misunderstanding provoke anxiety and anger." "That's reasonable," agreed Julia, "but it sounds kind of abstract. How is it relevant to our problem?" "Developing a common language is not abstract at all," I replied, "but a practical skill that influences every minute of our lives. Trauma has its own language and definitions, which you're not acquainted with yet. This unknown language is a threat to you and your son, at the same time preventing you from communicating with each other. A lack of a common language regarding the trauma is causing you to feel lost and insecure. This is perfectly normal and can be easily coped with by improving the skill of creating a common language." "How do we do that?" wondered David. "You've already started doing it," I said. "By approaching and communicating with me through the Internet, you've started learning the PTSD lexicon and developing new ways of talking about it. Through my e-mails I've shared with you some of the main characteristics of post-trauma, so that we could begin speaking the same language. I believe that learning about my ideas and agreeing to participate in my workshop has started you on the road to communicating in a new context. This demonstrates your trust in me; otherwise you wouldn't be here today." "It all makes sense now," said David, and I could hear the relief in his voice. During my seven sessions with Julia and David, I focused on the emotional skill of creating a common language, while also practicing the other six emotional skills. The new terms of PTSD ('anxiety', 'anger', 'hyper-vigilance', 'detachment', 'flashbacks', 'recurrent dreams and recollections' etc.) became common parlance and helped them activate the first skill of emotional awareness. By learning the new language of PTSD and becoming aware of the symptoms of posttrauma, their anxiety decreased; and despite the geographical distance between themselves and their son, they felt they had drawn closer to him. Chapter 6: The second skill – Common language I did not teach Julia and David the new terms of trauma as words alone, since a language is not learned by interpreting the meaning of words but by listening to stories and telling them. Babies learn to speak by listening to conversations and stories and by trying to imitate them. I told Julia and David about my personal trauma and my meetings with other PTSD victims, and asked them to describe what it had been like meeting their son after his return from the army. Our work during that intensive week helped them cope with the new situation. Practicing the emotional skill of creating a common language served as a model that helped them communicate with their son when they got home. They continued writing to me, sharing the first steps of a long journey, and a few months later I received an e-mail from Paul enquiring about my group workshops for PTSD victims. The second emotional skill is practicing the skill of creating a common language. Actually, this is something we practice from birth in an attempt to understand reality, learn the language people around us are speaking and create a lexicon by which we can identify reality. This is how we begin to build a worldview and feel safe in that world. Imagine yourself forced to move to a foreign country alone, without any knowledge of the language or the culture. It would be a frightening experience. In order to survive you would have to find a way of communicating with the local people by using gestures or by trying to understand or imitate their language. You would slowly identify and acquire words and expressions, and try to associate them with the new environment. This process, which is similar to early childhood development, is the way we create a common language. We wrongly assume that we share a common language with family members and friends, colleagues, or even strangers. But it does not take much for us to realize that each of us uses a personal language based on unique beliefs, associations and connotations. The assumption that we understand one other usually results in our failing to listen to one other, but this only becomes evident when we come face to face with conflict. The skill of creating a common language is the result of a learning process that is unique to the experiences of each individual. The more Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training developed our learning skills, the easier it will be for us to create a common language and feel more secure, while the lack of such a language will leave us feeling exposed and threatened. Unfamiliar situations or encounters with people who use terminology that we don't understand will make us feel insecure, inferior and ignorant. A trauma is an event that is unexpected, strange and unfamiliar; it leaves us literally speechless, without a vocabulary or language that could allow us to cope with or understand it. Paul's seclusion and his isolation from his parents stemmed from the fact that he couldn't communicate with them about this incomprehensible phenomenon. His lack of language was mirrored by Julia and David's helplessness when they couldn't find a way to understand what he was going through. By helping Paul's parents learn the basic terms of PTSD, we created a common language that enabled them to communicate and understand their emotional responses. When they arrived home, they could share the new terminology with Paul and initiate a dialogue about his delicate situation. After developing a sense of security through sharing a common language with his parents, Paul was ready to contact me and start the long journey towards coping with his trauma. By creating a common language we can define and understand the world through words and concepts, communicate with others and create our own personal narrative, without which our emotional process would be paralyzed. Practice: creating a common language Language is a collection of symbols that activate our emotional process. It enables us to think, identify and recognize stimuli and process the information we receive. It also helps us communicate with others and create a personal narrative that enables us to feel secure. We start creating a common language from birth. First, we learn to identify our parents' language; next, we begin imitating words. Step by Chapter 6: The second skill – Common language step, we enlarge our vocabulary by adding words, interpreting their meaning and making them our own. This language will serve us as we navigate through the world, communicating, thinking and creating. It is easier for us to adopt other people's language, expressions, concepts and perceptions than to develop our own. This helps us communicate with our immediate environment and our society, making us feel secure. Thus we avoid conflict with other people's beliefs and values, without needing to defend our own opinions. However, this is a false safe place, since it forces us to give up our own unique personality characteristics. This means that we will never be fully independent or take responsibility for our lives. In order to develop our individuality, independence, thinking and creativity, it is imperative that we give up other people's language and review our own definitions, values and beliefs on a daily basis. If we constantly attune our language to the here and now, we will improve the way our emotional process functions. This is the purpose of the emotional skill of creating a common language. The practice of creating a common language will also help us cope with unpredictable and unforeseen life developments (such as trauma). Any life change influences our language by requiring a new conceptual vocabulary or by demanding new definitions of previously used terms. Without being capable of creating a common language, any new life direction may be experienced as traumatic, as was the case with Julia and David. Common language and false language There is a joke about common language, and it goes like this: - What is a monologue? One person talking to himself. - Then, what is a dialogue? Two people talking to themselves. Although the main purpose of language is communication with other people, each individual's language is unique, so that we cannot really speak of a 'common language'. Each word and concept of our personal vocabulary stems from our life experiences, memories and personal connotations. There is a biblical story about King David, who sent his hunters to search for the milk of a lioness in order to heal the king of Moab's Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training dying wife. When the hunters arrived at the king's court, and they said: "Your Majesty, we brought you bitch's milk," he ordered them to be executed, because didn't know that a 'bitch' in hunters' jargon is a lioness. When we develop personal relationships with other people, we gradually learn part of their individual vocabulary and share part of ours with them. This is not as obvious as it seems and can often involve emotional difficulties. For example, when we need to explain why we never go to the seashore, it is not easy to share with other people, even close friends, the fact that 'swimming' is associated in our minds with the death by drowning of a close friend. Creating a common language may be a long and delicate process. We create a 'false' language by imitating that of other people or by hiding our personal vocabulary. Although this is part of the natural process of learning a language, it also gives rise to misunderstandings that provoke anxiety. While false language can be effectively used for everyday communication and negotiation, it also creates a false sense of security, which may not be problematic in most situations. However, the dangers of using a false language may be discovered when it is too late, in cases when we are faced with conflict or trauma. An additional drawback of a seemingly workable false language is that it hinders us from developing our own unique skills and personality. Developing the emotional skill of creating a common language does not necessarily mean that we will cancel our false language altogether, but it will give us the option of using it consciously and will enable us to create a common language when we need it. A false language is a collection of concepts and expressions that we copy from other people, which do not represent our own subjective feelings. Identifying false language Before you begin practicing the skill of creating and improving your common language, you must become aware of your language patterns and habits. Chapter 6: The second skill – Common language When we start attuning ourselves to the world, the most dominant skill is the inborn one of imitation. Naturally we imitated our parents and other meaningful and powerful figures in our lives. It is not surprising then that we continue to employ imitation throughout our lives, not only for learning purposes but also for social ones. We imitate parents and family members, teachers, leaders, religious figures, politicians, military heroes, artists, philosophers, rich and famous people and celebrities. Although the need to imitate such figures stems from early childhood, it plays a more central role in our lives in cases when we ignore the skill of creating a common language. So, before you start practicing this skill, it would be useful for you to identify how and when you use false (imitative) language in your daily life. Identifying and pointing After God had created all living creatures, he asked Adam to give them names. This was Adam's first mission, and it resembles what any baby does when it identifies the objects around it, first by pointing and afterwards by saying "it" or "this". Afterwards, the baby uses a kind of gibberish to ask for what it wants, only later attempting to imitate the speech of his parents and others. Our first language is the language of pointing. We still use it today in situations where we indicate what we want to buy by pointing. We ask the shop assistant or ice cream vendor, "Can I have two of those, please?" Pointing also comes in handy when we travel in foreign countries where we don't know the language. The act of pointing precedes the use of words and terms. Being aware of this allows us to distinguish between the thing we are pointing at and the word we use to identify it. When we feel as though we are being misunderstood or are ourselves misunderstanding another person, we should recover the childhood technique of pointing. This can help us redefine our terms and identify the false language (acquired by imitating others), which may deter us from creating a common language. Pointing enables us to recognize and amend false terms. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training Body language The identifying and pointing stage was also when we began developing a body language that accompanies all verbal communication, whether we are aware of it or not. Through body language we express anxiety or trust when meeting people for the first time. We identify how these people are feeling through their facial expressions or by the look in their eyes, and we increase our own confidence level by shaking hands with them or by maintaining a physical distance. After a relationship has been created, we consciously or unconsciously continue to use body language in order to maintain and further it. We discern our partners' intentions by paying attention to their gestures, breathing patterns, facial expressions or level of bodily relaxation or tension. We instill a sense of trust in others by smiling, establishing physical proximity, touching or relaxing our muscles. The ability to identify our own and others' body language and use it to further relationships can play a significant role in creating the sense of a safe place. Body language expresses our emotions and precedes our false spoken language. The language of conventional terms As children we acquire language intuitively by listening, imitating and practicing the vocabulary of the adults around us. We attach meanings to these words on the basis to our own personal experience, acquired knowledge, unique associations and connotations and emotional tendencies. Although our language is always personal, we tend to adopt many conventional terms as though they represent our own values and beliefs. We rarely consider whether these terms are valid and we use them falsely, thereby falling into confusion and anxiety when they do not serve our purposes. As I will explain in the following paragraphs, such terms relate to Chapter 6: The second skill – Common language values or beliefs, but many of them represent concepts and ideas that have become popular as part of widely circulated ideologies and theories. An example of this is the way we use psychoanalytical terms such as 'the unconscious', 'the Oedipus complex' or 'repression' without being aware of what they actually mean or whether or not they describe existent entities. Similarly we glibly use such terms as 'democracy', 'anarchy' and 'human rights' to represent our country's political situation. In addition, we often pepper our speech with such fashionable terms as 'spiritual', 'rational' and 'scientific'. Our vocabulary is made up of terms we acquire from our environment: friends and relatives, school teachers and university professors, and the written and visual media. The terms we use create our worldview and our personal narrative and influence the way we manage our lives and our relationships with others. Our common language with others is based on many terms which we have acquired unquestioningly, although each of us interprets them differently. This conventional language enables everyday communication, but it is in fact a false language, provoking misunderstandings and conflicts that weaken the sense of a safe place. The only terms we can be sure of are those that express our emotions: pain, fear, happiness, love, jealousy, embarrassment. Such terms convey varying degrees of anxiety or safety and are not related to external knowledge or scientific examination that can validate their existence or their truth. We tend to confuse subjective terms that express emotion with everyday conventional terms, thus impairing our ability to create a common language with others. If we learn, through our emotional awareness, to distinguish between our own exact way of expressing emotion and the conventional speech that serves us in everyday communication, we will be better equipped to identify the false terms that might fail us when we try to create a common language with others. Conventional concepts and expressions create a false common language that fails us in times of crisis. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training The language of values The source of most human conflicts is the misuse of terms that represent our values. We all use the evaluative terms 'good', 'evil', 'love', 'truth', 'honesty', 'loyalty', but we mistakenly believe that they have the same meaning for other people as they have for us. Unfortunately, these words are no different from any other words or terms; they simply represent our own personal list of priorities. But do our values really represent our priorities and needs? On many occasions we are merely imitating and adopting other people's values without examining whether they really suit our needs and expectations. Such false values provoke inner conflict, disrupt our emotional process and create anxiety. Like many other Israeli children, I was brought up to believe that I had to sacrifice my life to save my country. This may be regarded as a noble value, but when we were sent to fight in the Sinai Desert in 1973 only because our leaders did not want to negotiate peace and had not prepared for war, this value collapsed and served as a catalyst for the post-trauma which many of us are still suffering from to this day. Our inclination to rationalize makes it difficult to identify our false values. It is much easier to try imagining our values in real life or trying them out in simulated stories. You could, for example, ask yourself what you would do in a particular situation, such as being informed by your doctor that you have only three months to live. Such a simulation can help you identify and differentiate between your true values and your false ones. Values that contradict reality and do not fit our needs are false values that fail us and create conflicts and wars. The language of belief Belief plays a central role in our lives. Belief influences the way we interpret reality and create our personal narrative, without which our emotional process cannot be activated. This personal narrative serves us like a map – or a GPS - that operates our emotional system. Our personal narrative is created according to the way we use our Chapter 6: The second skill – Common language emotional skills, but without faith it cannot operate efficiently or help us navigate through the world. Cynicism is an extreme expression of disbelief; it makes us doubt our personal narrative and diminishes our ability to create relationships and realize our potential. But while belief is a highly significant component of our emotional process, it is also liable to paralyze our emotional skills. This will occur if we confuse beliefs with values and blindly imitate and adopt other people's beliefs. This is what happens when we accept ideologies (whether religious, political, philosophical or spiritual) and base our values on them. Unthinkingly accepting 'spiritual' beliefs as the one 'truth' can fixate our personal narrative and make it difficult for us to tune into changing reality. When our personal story is based on a 'spiritual' belief, we create a fixed and inexorable map that causes us to collide with reality again and again, giving rise to crisis and anxiety. In order to improve our emotional skills, we need to choose a practical belief that may be regularly updated according to changes in reality. Practical belief means flexible thinking that does not ignore reality, while at the same time enabling us to use the power of positive suggestion. It is important to differentiate between practical changing beliefs that help us attune ourselves to changes in reality in order to create a sense of a safe place and those 'spiritual' beliefs that actually function as false values. However, it is advisable not to give up 'spiritual' beliefs altogether, since this may create an anxiety crisis. Instead, we should enforce our practical belief through the skill of creating a common language to the point where such a belief begins to serve us in everyday life. An example of a 'spiritual' belief that misleads the emotional process may be found in fanatical religious groups that refuse to adapt themselves to the modern world. The result of the extreme anxiety generated by this gap is that the members of such groups tend to become violent. A positive example may be found in those religious people who adhere to their belief, while at the same time living according to a practical belief that enables them to adapt their lives to changing reality. Such people can practice their religion, even when engaging in Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training scientific research that apparently contradicts their religious dogmas. They may succeed in this if they learn to separate the language of their religious beliefs from the language of the practical beliefs related to their work. Separating the terms of 'spiritual' beliefs from the terms of practical beliefs will make it easier for us to navigate through the world and communicate with others. Belief enables us to regard our narrative as a reflection of reality, but it is effective only when we continuously attune it to changes in reality. Fixed beliefs create false and misleading language. The language of work We dedicate most of our time to work. We expend years learning and practicing a profession, afterwards spending most of the day working, from early morning to late afternoon. This explains why we usually introduce ourselves according to our title or profession, for instance as 'Dr. Brown', 'Captain Bailey', 'Ms. Davis, school teacher,' 'Dan Cohen, painter'. Each profession and vocation has its special terminology and professional language, meaning that we use the language of work a good part of the time. This helps us communicate with colleagues, superiors and employees, but it may fail us when we meet people who are not familiar with our professional language. In an aggressive and competitive world such as ours, people tend to use professional language as a means of controlling or abusing others. In the last century, it was customary for doctors to write illegible prescriptions in Latin, so that their patients could not understand them. To this day, lawyers and judges use judicial jargon that normal people cannot understand, making it difficult for individuals to protect their rights independently. Teachers and lecturers sometimes express themselves in incomprehensible language, causing their students to feel inferior. Such use of professional language or terminology creates anxiety in others and weakens their sense of safety. While using professional language in non-professional situations Chapter 6: The second skill – Common language might create misunderstandings and confusion, we can also share our unique professional language with other people by making it clear and accessible. We can share our work experience with friends, clients and relatives by simplifying complicated terms or by illustrating them by stories and examples. By simplifying our professional terminology and sharing it with others, we can create a common language and strengthen their sense of safety. A major platform for such efforts is the Internet, especially search engines such as Google, which provide free access and information regarding any type of professional field. By being aware of our use of professional terminology and language, we can avoid using it in a patronizing way, learning instead to simplify and share it with other people in order to create a common language. Professional language is effective with colleagues, but might damage our common language with other people. Using professional terms outside of work can create a false and threatening language. The language of relationship Relationships are the result of a common language, and the quality of a relationship is dependent on the level of such language. When we become closer to another person, we create a special and unique terminology that helps us understand one another. This is simple and obvious: to learn to understand one other means to clarify and understand the language we use together. Superficial acquaintanceship is based on sharing basic information like our title, profession, address, ethnic origin and marital status. Professional relationships are based on sharing specific information that is relevant to each party's professional interests, such as experience, diplomas and reliability. Friendship is based on an ongoing attempt to learn and understand one another's terminology at various levels of life experience, including our own unique emotional lexicon. Many conflicts and misunderstanding occur when we assume that other people possess the same language and definitions as we do and Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training use them in the same way. This assumption will always be false, since we never interpret words in exactly the same way as others, thus always having to make the effort to understand their language. The language of relationships depends on how successful we are at creating a common language. It is useful to work on the assumption that we will always understand others to a limited degree and that we are responsible for our interpretations. While listening to other people, we must always remember that our understanding is limited and that improving our common language will have a positive effect on our relationship. The assumption that we understand other people perfectly will mean that we are actually using a false language. Our relationship with others reflects the level of common language we create with them. Close relationships are based on a never-ending effort to understand the other person. The language of love Love is the ultimate result of a common language, since it gives us the feeling of having found a safe place. The language of love is based on our emotional terminology, which is by definition personal and subjective. In order to create the language of love, we must tear down our boundaries and share our most intimate secrets with our partner. In other words it can be said that the language of love is the language of trust. It is common to confuse love with the process of falling in love. While love is a gradual ongoing, mutual process, falling in love is a one-sided personal incident that takes place in our imagination, regardless of reality. When we fall in love, we falsely believe that we have a magical common language with a stranger, so that we can trust this stranger and expose him/her to our most intimate secrets and feelings. This seemingly insane behavior is in fact necessary, since without it we would never trust other people and create intimate relationships. The language of falling in love is a false language; this "mad" phase inevitably ends, and the sooner the better! Being obsessed with the process of falling in love will prevent us from ever actually being Chapter 6: The second skill – Common language in love, since such a false language prevents us from creating the common language that is essential for intimate relationships. In addition, the false language of falling in love creates a high degree of anxiety that might paralyze us and damage our lives. In order to limit the use of false language and invest our efforts in the long but worthwhile process of creating the language of love, it is vital to distinguish between these two languages, the false one and the true one. It is also important to remember that even the language of love cannot be perfect and that it is always partial and limited. Like all the other components of Emotional Training, this ultimate common language needs to be developed and attuned to a developing relationship on a daily basis. In order to continually recreate the language of love, which is the ultimate expression of safety, we have to give up the false language of falling in love, which is disconnected from reality. Improving the common language Naturally we do not acquire language by learning the meaning of words or grammatical rules, but by imitating and practicing it in a working context. This context is our personal narrative, while our language is always related to the plot of this narrative. The significance of this is that we cannot improve our common language by means of cognitive awareness - by explaining and analyzing our terminology - but instead by exemplifying our terminology through narrative. Edna and Mark came to me as a last resort before separation. They had been married for only one year and felt disappointed in each other. Whenever they tried to discuss their relationship, they immediately got into an argument. "We didn't really know one other," complained Edna. "We got married a month after we first met, and now I've discovered that I don't really know the man I'm living with." "That's right," said Mark, his big blue eyes wide open like a Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training curious boy's. "We had the same dream and it looked so promising. Now I feel cheated." "You feel cheated?!" Edna burst out angrily. "I'm the one who trusted you and left my job because of your crazy ideas. Now I have to start all over again, and everyone will see me as a loser." I asked them to tell me about their dream. They both started talking at the same time, so I suggested that Edna listen quietly to Mark's story, without interrupting, only then telling her story. This was not easy for her and I had to quiet her down repeatedly whenever she tried to interrupt Mark's account. "We met at a demonstration against the new supermarket in the downtown slums that was undercutting market prices, in effect destroying all the small grocery stores in the neighborhood," Mark began. "I had just started my MA in economics and Edna had finished her BA in marketing. She was very angry about the supermarket, and I told her about my idea of converting all the small, private grocery stores into neighborhood cooperatives. She liked my idea and we spent the whole month developing it together. Then we got married and started trying to realize our dream." "Which turned out to be totally unrealistic," continued Edna. "We spent a lot of time trying to persuade all the private grocery store owners in the neighborhood to join forces, but they wouldn't even listen to us. So we borrowed money from our families and bought a little grocery store that didn't have a hope of survival. We then invited the local residents to join our cooperative, but they preferred shopping at the new supermarket. I could understand them. Why should they pay more if they could pay less for the same amount of shopping?" Edna and Mark were not describing a dream, but an idea. They were both bright intellectuals and they knew how to present their ideas in a logical, persuasive way. They both fell in love with their shared idea, which resonated with their hidden narratives and dreams. The idea was simple: they both wanted to create a new social order regarding the buying habits of the local residents. But they were so enthusiastic about it that they forgot to share their narratives, and that was why they failed to realize their dream. Ideas might stimulate our cognitive awareness, but they have no direct influence on our emotional process. Although we can present Chapter 6: The second skill – Common language ideas through words, it is hard to create a common language through ideas. Sometimes, as in the case of Edna and Mark, communicating through ideas might even be destructive, since they mislead us into believing that we have a common language, whereas both sides might interpret the same idea differently. Mark was an idealist. He believed in an equal society, and was ready to invest all his resources in bringing about social change. He wanted to turn his grocery store into a community center and harness the power of the people against a capitalist takeover. He still believed that he could do this. He failed to share his dream with Edna, since first of all, they were so busy with their mutual project, and second, it was so obvious to him. Edna, on the other hand, had a different dream. She was not a socialist at all, but was interested in new marketing ideas and believed in the power of small businesses. She dreamt about creating a co-op of small businesses against the power of the big chain stores, and she believed that united, the failing grocery stores could compete with the new supermarket. For her, the partnership with the previous owners and the local people was only a business solution, while the practical difficulties it presented brought her back down to earth. Mark and Edna did not succeed in creating a common language, nor did they share their personal narratives. Their marriage, which was based on that false language, could not succeed on such a shaky foundation. When they understood that they had different interpretations of their shared idea, they stopped blaming each other for its failure; still, they were not sure about the future of their relationship. The false language described in the case of Mark and Edna, as well as the lack of a common narrative, might not only sabotage personal relationships, but also business partnerships, social ties, working alliances and political associations. Ideas and narratives The element of the emotional process responsible for creating a common language and a safe place is the personal narrative. The personal narrative collects our experiences and arranges them into stories. There are positive stories that represent a safe place and Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training negative stories that represent anxiety and danger. These stories serve as a guideline or map for the emotional system and help us navigate our way through reality. We can also use our narrative as a means of communicating with other people. By telling our positive stories, we can create a sense of a safe place for our listeners, and by telling our negative stories we can frighten or alert them. The use of stories and narratives for communication is much more effective than the presentation of ideas and concepts. This explains why we do not remember more than 5% of the content of theoretical lectures we attend; it also explains why speakers make sure to tell jokes and stories to keep their listeners interested. Our cognitive awareness is the key to our inner world, to the understanding of our emotional process. But our cognitive awareness, which is revealed in concepts and ideas, does not help us communicate these concepts and ideas to others, or even exert any influence over our own emotional process. For such efforts we need our emotional skills. The emotional skill of creating a common language is supported by cognitive awareness, which enables us to use words and terms as the building blocks of communication. But words and terms are meaningless if we do not illustrate them with narratives. In this book I am attempting to present new and innovative ideas concerning human nature. Unless I illustrate my ideas with stories and case studies, communicating with my readers will be a frustrating business both for them and for me. A common language is not the result of ideas and explanations. It is created by sharing personal stories. Our empathic skills help us create a sense of safety through narratives. Communication through narratives and ideas In every real-world human interaction, we create a common language with others or with ourselves. When doing this, we must be aware of the role of ideas and concepts, as well as the need to illustrate them Chapter 6: The second skill – Common language with stories and narratives. Start with a narrative. Telling a story creates an immediate link between your personal narrative and that of other people, thus averting the danger of being misunderstood. Choose your story carefully. It is not necessary to explain your story, nor is there any point in interpreting it after you tell it. It is important to define your goal before choosing the right story and to focus on the emotions it arouses. Choose a positive narrative if you want to persuade or create trust or a negative story if you want to create anxiety and warn your opponents. But be careful when you choose a negative story, since it might also affect you and harm your sense of a safe place. Link your ideas and concepts to narratives. Terms, ideas and concepts are given meaning and become part of a common language when they are linked to narratives and stories. Try to associate each term, idea or concept to an actual narrative that demonstrates it. Do not complicate your ideas. While there are many ways of relating your narrative, it is advisable to focus on one idea or concept at a time and present it as simply and clearly as possible. Bear in mind that we only remember ideas that are linked to narratives, so by linking more than one idea to a story, you might confuse the memory and blur the idea. Listen carefully to other people's narratives. Using your emotional awareness, you can review the methods you use to create a common language with other people and how their narratives influence you. Try to distinguish between their ideas and the narratives that illustrate them. Try to identify what kind of emotional response these stories invoke. Do you feel trust and safety or fear and anxiety? Practice your storytelling skills. Human beings are natural storytellers and we all communicate by telling stories. Some people tend to focus on theories and philosophical explanations, while still others do not trust their storytelling skills. By improving your storytelling skills, you will also improve your emotional skill of creating a common language. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training Don't explain. Tell a story that presents your idea. The practice of storytelling Western culture, based as it is on professionalism and expertise, has made us forget some of our natural skills. One of these forgotten skills is the art of storytelling. In former times, stories served as the main medium of communication, recollection, documentation, education and entertainment. Nowadays, creativity has been mystified to the extent that most people have been deterred from developing their creative skills, including storytelling. The art of storytelling has become a 'specialty', limited to professional storytellers, writers and comedians. The discovery of rationalism by Descartes in the 17th century established a new concept of human nature based on the assumption that we are rational creatures and that we develop through critical thinking and the creation of new ideas. Thus, while rationalism helped us develop scientific achievements, it also reduced our storytelling skills. This appears to have damaged the function of the personal narrative in each individual's emotional process. It is vital that we improve our storytelling skills by practicing them in various ways, in order to reconstruct our emotional process and improve our skill of creating a common language. Written stories. Writing is a practical and efficient way of practicing the skill of storytelling. It is possible to write stories, anecdotes or letters, but the easiest way is to keep a written diary. It is important to focus on writing a narrative with a simple plot, avoiding any theoretical descriptions or philosophical presentations. Always try to focus on four questions: what, when, where and how, while avoiding 'why'. Communicative stories. You can practice your storytelling skills during any everyday interaction. When talking to others, try to relate narratives, not ideas. Ask and answer only the four questions of what, when, where and how, while avoiding critical comments or any 'why' questions. Chapter 6: The second skill – Common language Tell simple stories. Remember that your story has to be based on a simple plot that has a beginning, a middle and an end. Always describe as much as you can, and avoid explanations and interpretations. Let your listeners do the understanding and interpreting. Base your stories on four questions: What? When? Where? How? Avoid the question 'Why?' Creating a common language through stories Communicating through stories is the best way to create a common language. We do this intuitively, but we also have a tendency to let ourselves down when we replace our narratives with value judgments and ideologies. A common language is meant to clarify our terms and values, but since our emotional system reflects our personal narrative, terms and values make more sense when they are presented through narrative. Ideas and views stem from critical thinking, giving rise to confrontation and conflict; stories stem from personal narratives, evoking empathy. Practicing our storytelling skills in the course of all kinds of interactions enhances empathy and creates a common language. Introduce yourself with stories. When introducing yourself, do it by means of a story. Remember that you are the hero of this story, and make sure the plot is simple, clear and interesting. Save your beliefs, opinions and future plans for when you get to know the other person better. Listen to other people's stories. When communicating with others, try to differentiate between their views and ideas and their personal narratives, and focus on listening to their stories. Do not try to understand or criticize their views and ideas; focus rather on comprehending and enjoying their stories. Listening to stories will allow you to intuitively understand other people's language and terminology. Introduce your ideas and views through stories. Instead of lecturing on your views and ideas, try to tell a story that will Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training explain how such views and values are helpful to you. If one picture is worth a thousand words, it can also be said that one story is worth a thousand explanations. Listen to ideas through stories. When you listen to someone's ideas and views, try to suspend judgment and critical thinking, listening rather to their underlying story. Identifying your conversational partner's story will help you to better understand his or her ideas. Try to communicate through stories. In any interaction it is possible to formulate your thoughts through stories, while avoiding abstraction and interpretation. Learn to improvise in order to avoid repetitions that will tire your listeners. A common language helps us communicate with others and also to make sense of the world in which we live. Surprisingly, we sometimes also need to develop a common language with the modern conveniences that serve us. When I first moved from Israel to Bulgaria, I spent some months in both countries. Once, when returning to my new house in Bulgaria, I turned on my laptop and printer in order to print a document I had just finished writing, but the printer refused to function, although both machines were in order and properly connected. To address the problem, I began by practicing the first emotional skill - being aware of my anger and frustration, and letting go of the anxiety it had provoked. When this was to no avail, I tried the second emotional skill and found that I had not checked my common language with the laptop and the printer. While in Israel my laptop was connected to my HP printer, whereas in Bulgaria I had a Xerox printer. When I adapted the printer to its driver, I enabled it to communicate with the laptop. By being aware of the driver, I created a common language between myself and my computer and printer. The second emotional skill enables you to create the sense of a safe place by creating a common language with others and also with yourself. By improving your storytelling skills, you will also improve your skill of creating a common language. This step resonates with the personal narrative, improving the functioning of the emotional process. Chapter 6: The second skill – Common language Activity: Learning and writing Learning and language acquisition are integral and basic characteristics of human nature, and they are vital to our existence. Without participating in an ongoing learning process, human beings are incapable of developing independence and autonomy. We have to learn and practice everything, from basic physical actions to complicated intellectual exercises. The common language through which we identify reality, interpret it and communicate with others, is vital to any kind of learning, as well as being essential for the creation of our safe place. Unfortunately, we tend to limit our learning activities to forced learning (compulsory education), acquiring a profession or mastering special skills. Our culture forces us to specialize and prevents us from acquiring skills in fields in which we are not experts, unless we limit our learning activities to 'leisure activities'. The integration of learning into the daily practice of emotional training is a sensible way of improving the skill of creating a common language. Any kind of learning can increase our vocabulary and our control over our everyday lives. In fact, every situation offers a learning opportunity of one kind or another. Improve your habits. Identify your everyday habits and find a way of improving them. You can improve your habits of cleanliness, your driving skills, how you walk and talk and listen to other people, how you eat and how you dress. You don't have to make significant changes every day. It will be easier and more effective just to attune your habits to your everyday needs by means of minor changes. Learn from crises. Whenever you face difficulty or any kind of crisis, regard it as a learning opportunity and a way to enrich your experience. Problems and difficulties generally stem from a lack of knowledge. Once you identify this lack, you will be able to acquire the knowledge that will solve the problem. Search for new knowledge. Whenever you encounter a source of new knowledge, such as an expert, a book or the Internet, try to get the most out of it and learn as much as you can. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training Expand your knowledge. You are an expert in many fields. You have acquired this expertise either through formal learning or life experience. Expand your knowledge in every field by reading, learning from others, participating in courses and seminars, and so forth. Enlarge your repertoire. Try enlarging your repertoire in fields in which you have already gained some expertise. If you play an instrument, try learning a new piece by heart or by sight-reading. If you love to cook, try out new recipes or improve the ones you already use. If you love working in the garden, try planting new species or re-design your flower beds. Look for opportunities. If you are aware of your surroundings, you will always discover something new that will enrich your knowledge and give you greater insights. The following techniques can be helpful in making the learning process a part of your everyday life: Ask questions. The simplest way to acquire knowledge is asking questions. Whenever a misunderstanding arises, try using questions to clear it up. You can continue asking other people - or even yourself - until you get a satisfactory answer. Imitate. The easiest and most natural way to learn from others is by imitation. Observe them carefully and try to do as they do. Doubt. Learning will be more fruitful if you cast doubt on your old knowledge and try to find new ways of understanding and looking at things. Search for knowledge. Constantly search for knowledge or skills that may improve your life. Create a list of sources that could help you search for such knowledge (books, the Internet, friends who are experts in some fields, libraries, institutions). Improvise. A creative way of learning is by taking risks and using your present skills and knowledge in a new way. Chapter 6: The second skill – Common language Learning is the basic skill that enables us to broaden our vocabulary and our ability to attune to reality more successfully. Writing Another practical way of improving the practice of creating a common language is writing. Whereas speaking is the spontaneous use of language, writing enables us to be aware of our language, identify the lack of a common language and improve our communication with others. Some people like to express themselves in writing, while others find it difficult. There are some advantages to writing that are hard to find in other ways of communication, so it is important to make writing a part of your emotional training, practicing it as much as possible. By writing daily, you will gain control of your practice of creating a common language, which is in itself a way of increasing your sense of a safe place. Writing will help you identify anxiety-arousing difficulties in communication and understanding will aid you in replacing them with a better common language. It will also facilitate any learning process and the practice of other emotional skills. Following are some suggestions for integrating writing into your daily life: Emotional diary. Documenting emotional responses in your everyday life (a simple description of positive and negative feelings) can improve the skill of emotional awareness, while at the same time reviewing the skill of creating a common language. Even if you do not enjoy writing, making an effort to write regularly in your emotional diary is advisable, even if it is only a few words. Diary. Documenting your life events will bring your cognitive awareness into play and help you identify your emotional process. Understanding the emotional process and its unique language and terms is essential for practicing emotional training. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training Portable diary. This diary can be used to prepare your interactions with other people, as well as for documenting such meetings. This is a matter-of-fact way of practicing the common language and preventing misunderstandings. Learning documentation. By documenting your learning activities you can link common language with experience. Letters. Writing letters is a useful way of preventing misunderstandings, creating a common language with other people and reviewing and improving such communication. Shared notebook. A shared notebook is a way of improving a common language in intimate relationships (between couples, family members, parents and children, etc.). Such notebooks can serve as a written meeting point, where each party communicates with the other at his or her convenience. Integrating continuous learning and writing into your daily schedule will make it easier for you to practice the skill of creating a common language. Writing is the best integration of cognitive awareness, emotional awareness and creating common language through narratives. Chapter 7 The third skill: The use of emotional tools The third step of Emotional Training is improving our listening skills, thereby also improving our skill of empathy. To do this, we must relinquish our natural habit of taking control of the conversation, and practice keeping silent and becoming aware of how other people tell their stories. We can also improve our listening skills through a simple noise elimination exercise and by focusing on listening to the music we love. "I've never had to consult a therapist," said Abraham. "On the ship I was my crew's psychologist, as this is one of the captain's duties. Some people are not strong enough to live at sea, and if you don't anticipate the crew's stress level and emotional state, you might lose control. Once I had a case of a chief mate who suffered an anxiety attack in the middle of a violent storm and had to be sent home by plane from the next port. The captain must know how to listen to his men. As I said before, I was the ship's psychologist, so I can tell you what happens to inexperienced sailors after four weeks at sea without a sign of land. I once had a member of the crew who got a telegram from his wife telling him that she had left him. He lost control, and I…" He had many more stories to tell me about his life as a captain and about his special listening skills, but when I tried to stop him just to introduce myself and ask him why he and his wife had decided to consult me, it seemed as though he did not hear me. "Enough, Abe, enough," his wife said, stroking his shoulder until he stopped talking. "Enough with the lectures. We didn't come here to tell stories or expose our private lives." "But this is important," insisted Abraham. "One should get to know the background. I always invited all my men for a personal interview, to hear about their families and even their psychological background. They used to say that I was tough, but no other captain knew how to listen to his men better than I did. Once I had an officer whose father Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training had cancer, and he was sure that…" So it went, on and on, for a long time. Abraham had been retired for a few years, and found it difficult to accustom himself to his new life at home with his wife after so many years on the ship. In spite of his rigid, angry face, his lean body gave him a frail appearance. His wife Miriam was a retired school teacher, and I could see that she did not feel comfortable in this situation. "We didn't come here to talk about ourselves," she repeated. "We've always been in control of our lives and we've never asked for help. But we're not talking about ourselves. It's our son. We don't know what to do. We know that he is suffering. He is almost fortyfive, and every two or three years he starts a new job. We try to help him as much as we can, but he keeps blaming us for everything that has happened to him." Their situation was not easy to comprehend, and it took some time until I understood that their son had disassociated himself from them when he was twenty, and that they had not met for many years. Sometimes they would see him at family meetings, and it was painful for them to see him sitting with other relatives. "It hurts me so much," said Abraham. "He's discussed us with the whole family, and this doesn't surprise me. He was always an egotist, always focusing on himself. As a child he didn't talk to anyone. And then, when he was twenty, he came home one day and blamed me for not being a good father. How could he say that? I worked day and night for the family. I never spent my time in bars, like the other sailors." "It wasn't easy to raise him by myself," continued Miriam. "I was young, only twenty-five, when he was born, without a man at home. Abraham only had home leave for a few days every five or six months, so I had to come back from school every day and take care of another child, after five hours of teaching problematic children. He was always very lonely and had nothing to do with the other children. He was a stubborn boy and he never helped me around the house. Now he blames us, claiming that we've never spoken to him." "But you admit that he didn't talk to other kids and that your husband was absent. Did you send him to therapy?" "Why should we have sent him to therapy?" Abraham burst out. Chapter 7: The third skill – The use of emotional tools "They asked us the same question when he started high school. But we were always a normal family without any problems, so why did he need any therapy? Why does everyone think that if the father is a seaman, the child automatically needs therapy? I was a better father than those who work until late and never have time for their children, and I always worked hard for my family." "But this all happened a long time ago," I interjected. "What's making you deal with it now, more than twenty years later?" "He sent us a letter," Miriam took a folded paper out of her bag. "His wife has had a baby and he wants us to come and see him, but he wants us to sit down and talk with him before our visit." "It looks as if he wants to renew the relationship, "I said." Have you met?" "You can read the letter yourself," grumbled Abraham. "He has problems and difficulties, and I can understand that. It isn't easy to survive with such a personality. But what can we talk about? He wrote again about all the wrongs that were done to him in his childhood, claiming that we didn't spend time with him, love him or know how to be parents. So that's what he thinks, and it seems like a waste of time to discuss it. It's already painful enough for us. We sent him $10,000 for the baby, and he called to thank us for the money, but he still insisted on meeting us and having a conversation. He was always so ungrateful." I read the son's letter. In it he told his parents about the past twenty years of his life, about his difficulties in finding a partner, about how he constantly changed jobs, about studying social work and about his present job as a marriage counselor. He wrote that in his childhood he hardly remembered having seen his father, and that although he was now over forty, he was still suffering from his parents' absence. Although he felt that his parents had abused him, he was ready to make an effort to start over and build a new relationship. He understood how difficult it had been for them as young parents and stated that he was prepared to let go of the anger and bitterness that had always been central to his life. He did not ask them to apologize, but begged them to listen to him and understand his suffering. "This is a very touching letter," I said. "It looks as though it wasn't easy for him to write it and that he really wants you to listen to him Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training and renew the relationship. Why don't you meet him?" "I see that he's succeeded in fooling you as well," Abraham spat out angrily. "All these years he's talked about us behind our backs with our relatives and friends. We're ready to meet him and help him if we can, but we're fed up with his blaming us for all his problems." "But," I commented, "he writes that he's given up blaming you. He only wants you to try and understand his feelings." "We know exactly how he feels," Miriam said quietly. "He's an introvert who hardly says anything, so nobody notices how disturbed he is inside. We'll support him if he chooses to go to therapy, and we'll pay for it. But don't you see what he's aiming at? He wants us to corroborate his distorted story about having been abused by us, although we've never even touched him." "Did you ever hug him," I asked, and regretted it at once. "No. He was always so remote and he didn't let anyone come close to him," said Abraham. "We may not be the kind of people who kiss and hug all the time, but that doesn't mean that we don't love our son." It was a frustrating meeting, since I wasn't sure if I could help them. I really wanted to try and convince them to meet their son and listen to him. His request seemed very reasonable. He didn't ask them to apologize or admit to being wrong; he just wanted them to acknowledge his suffering, even if they wouldn't take responsibility for it. He didn't ask them to become loving and caring parents, since he knew that they were incapable of doing so. But it was important for him that they recognize the pain that had made his life so difficult. I could also understand their point of view. Although he wasn't asking them to apologize, they felt that by acknowledging his suffering they would have to take responsibility and that this would taint their whole lives. The parents' needs and those of their son presented two contradictory interpretations of the same life story. The son's personal narrative contradicted his parents' version, so that these two narratives could not exist side by side. The parents wanted to ignore the conflict, whereas the son wanted to settle it. Was it possible to settle such an old conflict and renew the relationship between this grown-up son and his parents? I believed Chapter 7: The third skill – The use of emotional tools that it was possible and that Emotional Training was the best way to do it. This family's difficulties stemmed from the parents' lack of emotional tools, especially those of listening and being empathetic toward their son. How could they cope with their difficulties? Was it possible for the son to overcome his pain and accept his parents, with all their shortcomings, knowing as he did that they would continue to ignore his pain and hurt him as long as he remained in contact with them? Many people in such a situation choose to ignore their pain and maintain abusive relationships, only because they don't want to 'cut themselves off' from friends and family. I could have suggested to the parents that they experience the practice of Emotional Training in order make them more attentive to their son. But such a suggestion didn't have a chance of being accepted, since the parents were not themselves interested in undergoing a process of change; they only wanted me to help them change their son. Their objection to any kind of external intervention was clear and unequivocal, so it would have been a waste of time to try to convince them otherwise. But even if they had asked me to intervene, I would not have tried to encourage them. Their lack of empathy and inattention to others was so extreme that at the age of seventy, it had already become second nature. Their firm belief that they were right and their refusal to take any responsibility for their son's difficult childhood were part and parcel of their life narrative, so making any changes in this narrative might be traumatic for them. At the end of the session, I informed them that I could not help them create a relationship with their son and that I did not know if such a relationship was at all possible. I said that I could understand their difficulties and that I respected their decision to ignore any further conflicts. I did not suggest that they totally disassociate themselves from their son and I supported their efforts to continue maintaining a remote relationship. They had the option of sending presents to their grandson on his birthday, writing or phoning him, while at the same time respecting the boundaries set by their son. The third emotional skill is the practice of using emotional tools, especially those of listening and empathy. We all use these tools Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training according to our life experience and capabilities; and we can improve them in order to create better relationships and the sense of a safe place for ourselves and others. Abraham and Miriam's story presents an extreme example of a lack in empathy and listening, which prevents any possibility of creating relationships. We are usually limited in the use of our emotional tools, but through practice we can improve them, thus also enhancing our relationships with others, making them feel secure and creating a safe place where such relationships can be maintained. Practice: the art of listening and empathy Human beings are equipped with unique skills of communication that enable them to overcome natural obstacles presented by personal differences and misunderstandings. These skills involve a special kind of listening that makes it possible to feel empathy for others. Even though our common language may be limited and fragmented, empathy bridges impenetrable personal boundaries and breaks through barriers of anxiety and distrust. Empathy is a precondition for any human interaction; it is vital for personal relationships as well as for any kind of social communication. We use the skill of empathy spontaneously, in accordance with our unique personal development. Some individuals are more skilled at empathy than others, who almost never bring it into play. The practice and improvement of our empathetic skills will allow us to create the sense of a safe place when communicating with others. Empathy Empathy is commonly confused with sympathy or identification. But empathy is different from both of these, since it does not involve any value judgments or personal preference. When you tell a friend that your grandmother has died from cancer, and he says: "That is very painful. I remember my grandmother's death two years ago, when I had to sit with her night and day for weeks," that is not empathy. Your friend is identifying with your Chapter 7: The third skill – The use of emotional tools story, but instead of listening to you, he begins talking about himself. When you tell your therapist about your abusive childhood, and she starts crying with you, holding your hand and telling you that she is 'there for you', that is not empathy. Your therapist is revealing her sympathy through kindness and a physical gesture, but also in a patronizing manner. Empathy is our ability to sense other people's feeling in our bodies and see the world through their eyes. Empathy makes our eyes wet when somebody near to us is crying; it makes us feel anxious when someone tells us about a dangerous event from his past. Empathy enables us to understand other people's reality from their point of view. We do not have to accept this view, like it or agree with it, but only to identify the emotional background it represents. Empathy is a statement of our readiness to understand the motives and worldviews of other people and to respect them even if we do not agree with them. Empathy enables us to be attentive to people who are extremely different from ourselves, people who hold views that are contradictory to our own, even if they are our enemies. Without empathy psychotherapists and lawyers could not work with murderers and convicted criminals, and physicians could not treat patients who are very different from them. Empathy is a unique human quality that enables us to create relationships with other people and belong to a group, while at the same time maintaining our individual existence. It is the most vital emotional skill, since on the one hand it is a precondition for creating and developing civilization, and on the other, it helps us mark our individual boundaries. Anxiety damages our skill of empathy, and increases conflicts between people. The development of civilization - from family to tribe, nation, religion and culture, up to and including the global village - parallels the development of human empathy as a means of creating the sense of a safe place through tolerance. Tolerant societies develop at times of peace and confidence, whereas intolerant societies develop religious extremism or racism at times of war, terror and lack of personal confidence. It is impossible to imagine a civilization without empathy, since without it we would have to regard all human beings as our enemies and avoid any kind of communication and Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training mutual consent. By improving and developing our emotional skill of empathy we can also decrease the level of anxiety in our interactions with other people, thereby increasing our sense of safety and that of those with whom we come in contact. While practicing empathy serves our personal needs, it also constitutes an evolutionary instinct that is vital for the continuity of mankind. Empathy is sensing other people's feelings in our bodies, without identifying with them or liking them, in other words, seeing the world through their eyes. Empathy in everyday life Empathy exists wherever life exists. Mothers give birth through pain and agony, and all they get for their suffering is a screaming, wrinkled creature with whom they cannot communicate. But when they hear their baby's first cry, they spontaneously begin to feel empathy and the need to cuddle and feed it. For them this unformed little human being is the most beautiful creature they have ever seen. The empathic motherly instinct is what preserves human babies' lives and creates their first experience of a safe place. Empathy enables us to feel compassion for other people and to understand and experience their feelings, their difficulties and their pain. Empathy and compassion lie at the foundation of any moral or ethical code. Without empathy and compassion, our morality would be based on the laws of natural selection, without any consideration for the weaker sections of society. Without empathy and compassion, social democracy could never exist. Empathy influences every kind of human relationship, and the level of empathy shapes the structure of any human interaction. An empathic government treats its citizens as consumers, although a nonempathic government or racist government believes that their citizens' main purpose is to serve their country. Empathic parents share family resources with their children, while patriarchal families force children to follow their rules. Empathic teachers listen to their pupils and try to understand their needs, whereas authoritative teachers intensify the Chapter 7: The third skill – The use of emotional tools gap between talented and less talented children. Empathic nations open their gates to foreign immigrants and try to integrate them; conversely, non-empathic nations do not accept immigrants or isolate them in designated areas. Empathy creates the sense of a safe place and it helps people share their lives with other people, decrease their anxieties, increase their trust and abstain from violence and hatred. Empathy is a precondition for civilization. On the other hand, anxiety decreases our empathetic ability. Empathy and imagination One can explain the phenomenon of empathy through the unique activity of our imagination. This activity enables us to respond to other people's experiences as if they were our own. Our imagination is a magical entity that expands our emotional process beyond the limitations of our personal experiences. Whether we are creative people or not depends on the depth of our imagination. Our imagination also enables us to reconstruct emotions without any immediate stimulus. It explains how we are capable of responding emotionally to past recollections and feel longing, vindictiveness or relief regarding events that happened in the distant past. It can also explain how we can respond with fear, expectation and joy in relation to events that lie in the future. Falling in love is an extreme example of empathy and imagination. Falling in love enables us to ignore our natural fear of strangers and to trust and expose our secrets to someone we hardly know. Falling in love only exists in our imagination, and without it we would never dare to embark on intimate relationships with people we barely know. Falling in love is a kind of madness, but without it we would never get closer to other people or create a family. Falling in love is a precondition for love that depends on our emotional skills of empathy and imagination. Aristotle discovered the power of empathy and imagination two thousand, three hundred years ago. In his book (Poetics) on the subject of Greek tragedy, he wrote about the therapeutic qualities of Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training empathy for audiences of theatrical productions. He believed that through empathy we both experience and release our anxieties in a relatively safe place through the process of catharsis. The theater provides us with imaginary scenarios that therapeutically stimulate our emotional system in a safe setting. Aristotle's three 'rules of thumb' the unity of space, time and action - reflect the seven emotional skills and are intended to create a safe place for the theater audience. In the same way that empathy enables us to respond to other people's experiences as if we had experienced them ourselves, imagination also enables us to respond to stimuli that are unrelated to any real occurrence. That is the role that art plays in our lives. Art creates an artificial environment through which we can experience emotional processes in a protected setting. While our imagination serves as the director of a fictional drama, our empathy makes it possible for us to participate in this drama and experience it while practicing and improving our emotional skills. Such collaboration between imagination and empathy is a source of joy and interest in our life, but the real goal of art is to provide us with a practical tool for emotional training. Thus, art plays a dual role in our lives. On the one hand, it creates the sense of a safe place where we can rest from life's anxieties, and on the other it helps us practice our skill of empathy. All types of art are based on our ability to use our imagination and empathy, but literature is the most abstract of arts, since it only exists in our imagination and has no physical reality. Without imagination and empathy, we could not enjoy reading a book. Our enjoyment can be increased by extensive reading because each book that we read will improve our emotional skill of empathy. Such empathy increases our sense of a safe place which is revealed in the pleasure we derive from reading books. Empathy does not exist without imagination, which enables us exercise our emotions while watching theatrical productions or reading books. Chapter 7: The third skill – The use of emotional tools The practice of empathy We are all born with the potential skill of empathy and each of us develops it in a different way, due to our personal life experience and the level of anxiety we experience. Improving our skill of empathy will also improve our relationships with family members, colleagues and the people we meet in everyday life. By means of our emotional awareness in each interaction, we can identify our level of empathy, or lack of empathy, and its implications. Only then can we search for the best method of improving our empathetic skills. Reading. Since reading obliges us to use our skills of imagination and empathy, and since the practice of reading continuously improves the skill of empathy, habitual reading is always beneficial. If you are not accustomed to reading books or if you do not like it, try to force yourself to do so. After you have finished a few books, you will find yourself starting to enjoy it. Novels are the best reading material for this purpose, since they focus on people's lives and their relationships with others. Theoretical books, cookbooks, philosophical works or guidebooks will provide little opportunity for practicing empathy. Writing. Whereas reading resembles empathically listening to other people, it is a passive activity and it takes time. An active way of using empathy is writing, which is also much more powerful and has an immediate effect. You can write the life stories of people you know, jot down case studies of people's behavior in particular situations or invent your own fictional heroes and write accounts of their adventures. Your stories don't have to be written in a professional literary style or stand up to literary criticism. By trying to create vital, authentic characters, you will actually practice your skill of empathy. Storytelling. Many people prefer relating stories orally rather than writing them down, which is understandable considering that we are all natural storytellers. Our awareness level will be higher when writing, so if you prefer telling your stories, try putting your emotional awareness into practice. Try to avoid Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training judging or mimicking your characters as you describe them. Simulation. This is a very effective way to practice empathy, but it is more complicated, since it involves other people. The easiest way to engage in simulation is to join a drama group and assume the identity of theatrical characters. You can also practice simulations with your partner or your friends. For example, when discussing a certain incident that involved both of you, you can switch roles with a friend by playing his part while he plays yours. You can learn a lot about simulation by watching children, who constantly engage in role play, taking the part of parents, doctors and patients and teachers and pupils. Playing. Many board games or group activities are based on simulations and role play. You can play these games regularly with your friends; it is especially beneficial to choose to portray characters that are extremely different from oneself Being attentive. After you become aware of the emotional skill of empathy, and after practicing and improving it, try implementing it by being attentive to others. Attentiveness involves the art of listening. Practicing listening in any kind of interaction will also allow you to improve your skill of empathy and your ability to apply it in real-life interactions. You can improve your skill of empathy by exercises that make you 'get under other people's skin' by writing, reading or role play. Listening Human beings converse by speaking and listening to one another. This is the basis for any kind of verbal communication and interaction. But while we are all aware of the importance of verbal communication, we are not always aware of its lack of balance. Rhetoric, the art of speaking, has been developed and perfected over the past 2,500 years, causing the art of listening to deteriorate, degenerate and practically disappear. Freedom of expression is considered to be one of the chief human rights, but no such consideration is given to the role of Chapter 7: The third skill – The use of emotional tools listening. We don't listen to one another; we don't even listen to ourselves. We talk and argue and invest large amounts of energy in verbally expressing ourselves, but we do not listen to our interlocutors, friends, spouses, children or parents. In a rapidly changing world we imitate TV news reporters, who ask their interviewees long questions without giving them a chance to reply. Even professionals who base their work on listening to others are unpracticed in the art of listening. American research concerning family doctors found that practitioners listen to their patients for an average of 15 seconds at a time. After that they stop listening, diagnosing their patients according to their own experience or field of interest. It is not surprising, then, that psychotherapy is so popular, in spite of the poor results it yields. The main innovation of Freud's psychoanalysis was the analyst's silent, listening role, sometimes for an entire 50-minute session. Apart from the Catholic confessional, there is no other setting where someone is ready to listen to us for such an extended period without interrupting, asking questions or talking about themselves. This explains why people are prepared to pay so much money for psychotherapy. But listening is even difficult for psychotherapists, since it is not taught in their training courses. Psychotherapists who employ post-Freudian approaches or belong to other schools of psychotherapy no longer practice the art of listening as it was cultivated by the early psychoanalysts. They intervene, ask question, present their ideas and even talk about themselves. The almost forgotten art of listening lies at the core of any human verbal communication; in any interaction, it is the best way to create a sense of security. If you develop your listening skills and improve them by constant practice, you will be surprised by the results. The art of listening is so rare that those who practice it will be thought to possess special qualities. Listening quietly to other people will make them feel so secure that they will consider you wise, sensitive and unique. Listening silently, almost passively, will engender trust in others, and listening actively will further deepen this trust by focusing attention and broadening the sense of a safe place. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training Listening is a forgotten art. Without it we will not succeed in communicating and inculcating a sense of trust and safety in others. The emotional skills of passive listening These skills will enable you to be more attentive to other people and create trust and a secure atmosphere. To practice them you must let go of your need to intervene or influence other people, only observing their words as you would observe the birth of a baby. Passive listening does not mean a lack of attention, but rather involves using silence in order to enhance attention. Silence. Many years ago I was a volunteer on a telephone helpline. One day, when telephone calls were still expensive, I received a long distance call from a man who talked to me without pausing for breath for more than an hour. I listened to him without saying a single word, but before he hung up he thanked me and said that he had never talked to anyone as wise and sensible as I was, and that this talk had totally changed his views. Well, sometimes "silence is golden", and it always creates an atmosphere of trust and the sense of safe place. Sometimes it is hard to practice silence, since the absence of words might frighten us or make us feel uncomfortable; it may also cause the other party to feel as though he is being ignored. Remember that silence must be attentive, so even if you do not say a single word, make your conversational partner feel that you are listening by responding to his or her words. You can nod your head or say "Yes," or "A-ha," or only smile. Do not forget that keeping silent is meant to allow you to focus on the other party's narrative, not on your own thoughts. You will need to draw on your emotional awareness to keep focused on listening. Bracketing. Empathic listening includes temporarily suspending your own views, beliefs and values, and listening to other people without judging or criticizing them. This is called bracketing. Bracketing means that you are open to freely Chapter 7: The third skill – The use of emotional tools experiencing other people's emotions, but it does not mean that you have given up your own personal beliefs and views. Quite the contrary is true: you have to be emotionally aware of your beliefs and values so that you can differentiate between your inner self and that of other people. Understanding. No one likes feeling misunderstood. When you are listening to other people, try to make them feel that you understand them. You can do this by saying "I see," or "I understand," but it would be better to show that you understand by summing up their ideas in a few words, for example, "So you mean that you've decided to stop arguing with her and invite her to take a look at the house." Support. One of the easiest ways to create trust is to support other people by accepting their stories and opinions. You can say "I think that was a good idea," or "You were very brave," or "I would do the same," to make them feel that you are on their side. Sympathy. Extending sympathy to others will make them feel secure, but will also allow you to effect positive change in yourself. When being sympathetic, it is helpful to try to look for other people's positive qualities, even if you dislike them. Every human being has a positive side and identifying it will change your point of view and cause the other party to feel more secure. Unconditional positive regard. Critical and judgmental behavior might give us strength, but at the same time it causes others to feel they are under attack. While critical judgments can help you cope with your own natural anxiety, unconditional positive regard is an expression of confidence and strength. Expressing unconditional positive regard, even in an artificial way, will make other people feel secure with you, while at the same time strengthening your own sense of a safe place. Unconditional positive regard is the ultimate expression of empathy, and it is a normal response to newborn infants and young babies. It can be achieved in other cases by ignoring your natural resistance and full accepting the other person, regardless of his personal characteristics, opinions or reactions. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training Identifying emotions. Using our emotional awareness of others' emotions will render it easier for us to express empathy and comprehend their stories. Even without expressing this verbally, the other party will sense our identification with his or her emotions. We could, however, say something like "I can see that it was very painful," or "It must have been an exciting experience." Containing. By silently listening to other people, we are actually creating a 'metaphoric container' for their narrative. We do this by making other people feel that we are there for them, having no other obligations and giving them all the time they need and the freedom to say anything that comes into their minds. Repetition. A very simple technique for letting our interlocutors know that we are attentively listening to them is to repeat their last sentence from time to time, without adding comments or interpretations. One could say "So you say that when you had to quit your job, you didn't leave your house for three months." This may seem naïve or stupid, but it actually makes the other person know that you are really listening to what he is saying Being aware of body language. Whether we speak or keep silent, we are always unconsciously communicating with one other through body language. It is important to be aware of this, avoiding gestures that may be interpreted as hostile. Body language can be used to express trust, support and sympathy. This can be accomplished by relaxing the body, smiling and looking directly at the speaker (although sometimes looking directly into the other person's eyes might be considered offensive). By imitating the body language of your interlocutor, you can express empathy and unconditional positive regard. You can do this by being aware of the other person's body language, trying to imitate their breathing, the way they are sitting and their degree of muscle relaxation. Chapter 7: The third skill – The use of emotional tools Passive listening helps you avoid criticizing, judging or thinking, while focusing on the other party. Emotional skills for active listening Active listening involves techniques that will make others aware that we are attentive, but it may also be experienced as being directive and manipulative. Therefore, these techniques must be practiced carefully and moderately, in order not to cross the thin line between concern and interference. Clarifying questions. While listening you can ask clarifying questions that demonstrate your interest in the narrative. It is advisable to avoid questions that manifest our curiosity, asking only those that help the speaker clarify his message. Reflecting and mirroring. Reflecting, or mirroring, means that we are not interpreting or criticizing the speaker's narrative, but merely repeating it so that what he is trying to say will become clearer to him. Reflecting is similar to repeating, but it not only shows that we are listening, but also allows us to bestow a 'gift' on the speaker that helps him reflect on his narrative. Interpreting hidden messages. Sometimes while listening to a narrative, you can decipher a hidden message that relates to you. For example, if you borrowed a book from the speaker a month earlier, and he describes someone who does not pay his debts, you can interpret this as a hidden message regarding the unreturned book. Such personal interpretations can serve to make the speaker realize that you are listening carefully to his narrative. Humor. Humorous interventions can ease the tension and help the speaker air sensitive and painful subjects. For example, if the speaker is describing the trauma of losing his leg in an accident, you could comment: "Well, you were never a very good football player, so now I can beat you even more easily." Be warned, however! Using this kind of humor is like walking on thin ice, and sometimes it may be experienced as offensive. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training Provocation. Sometimes, while listening to very sensitive content that expresses distrust and anxiety, you can try breaking the ice by being provocative. For example, if someone says that all his friends have disappointed him and that he is contemplating suicide and you feel that he is rejecting any help, you could open the window and say: "Okay, so why don't you jump and finish it once and for all?" Such provocation demonstrates sincere concern through humor. Challenging. You can also express your support and concern by challenging the speaker. If a friend tells you about his indecision regarding his professional career, you might express your concern by saying: "Yes, it is frightening. But I know you're the best, so just go out there and show everyone how good you really are." Active listening, through questions or interventions, will express your interest, but can also be perceived as intrusive. Practicing listening and empathy In the 1950s, Harvey Jackins developed the idea of 'co-counseling', a technique which differentiated between the mystical assumptions of psychotherapy and its true core, i.e. the act of listening. Co-counseling is a simple technique in which two people meet regularly, one of them listening to the other for a fixed time. Then they change roles, the other one giving his partner his full attention. Such a technique is a useful way of practicing the art of listening. In addition to improving your skills of listening and empathy, it is also a practical way of improving your relationships with other people. You can practice it with friends, family members, work colleagues or anyone you meet on a daily basis. It is advisable to start practicing this technique in the simplest way, allotting three to five minutes of uninterrupted listening to each participant. It is important for this practice to be reciprocal and carried out with someone whom you trust. It should also be continued in a further series of short sessions. Even a few minutes of this kind of practice can effectively improve and maintain relationships, since it Chapter 7: The third skill – The use of emotional tools does not demand special conditions or great investments of time and it carries no risk of deep emotional involvement. It is a good way to start the morning with your partner or spouse or with colleagues or employees, and the best way to finish any kind of meeting with others or round off the day with your children before bedtime. You can also practice the technique of co-counseling in order to experience the more complex skills of passive or active listening. Since this is a more sensitive type of listening and might provoke intimate content, such practice needs more time, between ten and fifteen minutes, and it must take place in an especially secure environment. It would be better to attempt it only after practicing the other emotional skills that will be presented in the following chapters, especially the skill of formulating an agreement. Co-counseling at regular time with someone close will enable you practice the art of listening and also improve the relationship. Activity: Noise elimination and listening to music The concept of attention deficit has become popular in the past decade, and it is usually attributed to children who do not meet teachers' requirements or adults who have difficulty functioning under the pressures of everyday life. In actual fact, we all suffer from attention deficit, since it is one of the main characteristics of life at the beginning of the 21st century. There are two major causes of attention deficit; both damage our use of emotional tools, especially the ability to listen to other people. The first cause is the stress caused by multi-tasking. Although we apparently live in an age of specialization, each of us practicing a particular profession in a specialized field, the nature of individuality and freedom in a democratic society limits our attention by loading us down with additional areas of responsibility. Competitiveness and rapid change force us to switch jobs and constantly be prepared to find Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training new employment. We have to invest considerable effort in searching for partners or maintaining our marriage, raising children, paying the bills, maintaining our homes, coping with local and governmental bureaucracy, all the while also being involved in social and political activities. All these tasks, and the anxiety they arouse, limit our concentration span and divide our attention, and this adversely affects our ability to listen to other people. Attention deficit is also caused by the noise that surrounds us day and night. In the 18th century, many musical pieces were composed for the clavichord, a keyboard instrument having a soft and very quiet sound. Nowadays this instrument no longer exists, since it would be impossible to even hear it. The new noises of the last two centuries would even drown out the sound of such a quiet instrument in a small flat, since the racket of the refrigerator, the air-conditioner or the cars outside the window would totally render it inaudible. Without being aware of it, we live in a very noisy world that continually bombards us with stimuli that shift our attention and interfere with our concentration. Apart from the constant noise of the many electric appliances that surround us, we use various methods of overriding these constant sounds. We develop the habit of listening to background music at home, while driving or working, when we study and when we entertain guests. When we leave home, too, we are always surrounded by background music. It follows us into elevators, shopping centers, buses and taxis, all kind of shops, the dentist's clinic, the gym, restaurants and coffee shops. Take a look around and you will see many people, both old and young, with earphones stuck in their ears, listening to music by means of complicated music players or cellular phones. When music is not being played, you will probably hear the sound of a TV set blaring news or talk shows at full volume in an attempt to hide background noises. In our crowded world, we often hear people talking at the top of their lungs or others shouting into their cellular phones in the street, in restaurants or on buses. To these noises, to which we have grown accustomed, one can add more powerful ones that can damage our hearing and our ability to concentrate: large vehicles on the roads, planes flying overhead and various kinds of repairs or construction Chapter 7: The third skill – The use of emotional tools being performed in the street. In addition, we suffer from loud music at special events such as weddings, discotheques and clubs and the noise on crowded streets at public events, in the workplace and while working with children. In addition to the external noises that surround us, we are also flooded with the inner noise that is the result of the excess of information we have to digest in an age of freedom of information. We are addicted to reading newspapers, listening to the radio and watching the news on TV or over the Internet. We are exposed to aggressive advertising campaigns through all kinds of media, to surfing the Internet and to corresponding with friends and strangers, watching movies and plugging into endless sources of information in our chosen fields of interest. Even in our free time we are unable to relax. We are constantly exposed to a leisure industry that tries to sell us courses and workshops, endless opportunities for enrichment and experience, trips and tours, coaching and alternative approaches to happiness and health. This overwhelming volume of information does not make us any the wiser, but rather dulls our responses to the stimuli that threaten to overwhelm us, while actually damaging our thinking and listening skills. In order to protect ourselves from excess information, we block information from our emotional processes, and in so doing we also neutralize our listening abilities. Improving our listening skills will also allow us to regain our autonomy and help us cope with the noise that engulfs us. But in order to accomplish this, it is vital that we learn how to eliminate the noises around us and then try to focus by listening to music. We are flooded by noise and information that damage our listening skills. Noise elimination Since Freud invented psychoanalysis more than a hundred years ago, the term 'therapy' has presented a magical solution to all human problems. 'Therapy', or 'treatment', has become the main method of coping with difficulties. We approach a psychotherapist when we lose Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training our sense of a safe place or when we have difficulties in relationships, the same way that we seek medical treatment when we feel any physical discomfort. Hundreds of different kinds of therapy claim to fill every human need: aromatherapy, color therapy, occupational therapy, pharmacotherapy, life enrichment therapy, light therapy, mesontherapy, energy therapy, hippotherapy, hypnotherapy, information therapy, and so forth. Although these various types of therapies are meant to heal us, they are all based on the assumption that someone else must intervene so as to bring about positive change. By allowing others to manipulate us, we open ourselves to additional sources of information that in turn increase the noise level that we are exposed to. Methods hailing from the Far East suggest a different way of coping with the ever-increasing noise filling our lives. They replace the idea of 'doing' with the concept of 'not doing', or, in other words, the technique of letting go. This technique is very effective and it may be used in order to eliminate the unnecessary noise in one's life. Relaxation techniques are effective in noise elimination. Eliminating the noise of burdensome information Paradoxically, we cope with the noise generated by an overflow of information by replacing it with other sources of information. We seek counseling or therapy, coaching, support or any kind of information that gives us the feeling that we are managing to cope with stress. Our thoughts are then occupied by new input that generates even more interfering stimuli, thus further damaging our sense of a safe place. This overflow of information expresses itself in impaired concentration, intrusive thoughts and a general sense of restlessness and anxiety. Some simple techniques can help you let go and free yourself of an addiction to the noise of excessive information. Change your location. We tend to establish fixed habitual places for carrying out our activities. We like to sit on the same chair at breakfast, work every day in the same setting, use the same desk, frequent the same coffee shop and shop at the same Chapter 7: The third skill – The use of emotional tools supermarket. These habits make us feel secure, but at the same time they make us unaware of background noise. Changing our usual locations could also remove the barrier that makes us unaware of the noise of unnecessary information. You can be helped to do so by making minor changes in your usual location, for example, by moving to another room or sitting on another chair, walking home a different way or shopping at a different supermarket. Take time out. In the same way as we habitually inhabit the same physical locations, we also create patterns in the way we spend our time. We have a daily regular schedule that determines how we allocate our time. In periods of pressure and confusion, it can be helpful if you take time out and depart from your daily schedule without totally disrupting it. Just sit back and do nothing. This will activate your emotional awareness and help you identify the noise of superfluous information. Change your activities. We are constantly active, whether working, eating, entertaining ourselves, or even resting, watching TV, reading a book or having a snack. Our set habits and activities also screen the noises surrounding us. Once you change these activity patterns, you also remove the screen, exposing those noises that disturb you. It is also possible to cease all activities and rest without doing anything else at all, including any kind of entertainment, food, drink or smoking. Go abroad. The three techniques described above represent minor changes that can be made in your habits to help make you aware of the noises of information and train you to push them aside. A more dramatic way to do this would be to integrate changes of location, time and activity by going abroad for a short period, a weekend or more. This would be more expensive, but it could save a lot of effort needed elsewhere. It would be especially effective to go to a country whose language you do not understand. This would stop most kinds of external information from interrupting your emotional process and allow you to re-attune yourself to the noises in your life. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training Life routines create habits that screen the noise of information that floods us. Taking time out and changing our location will help us identify such noises and eliminate them. Eliminating acoustic noise We are so accustomed to the noise surrounding us that it will take some practice before we can identify its many sources and differentiate between the noises that are imposed on us from outside and those that are of our own creation. Noise has a detrimental effect on our emotional process. It interrupts our concentration and gives rise to anxiety and anger. So it is important to be aware of its influence and control it as much as we can. Identify the source of the noise. There are so many factors causing the noises around us that it may be confusing to try and identify them. Some noises are natural, like the wind and the rain; some have a human source, such as talking, laughing and shouting; some emanate from mechanical devices like domestic appliances; and others come from outside, for example public works, traffic noises, barking dogs and so on. Write down on a piece of paper all the sources of noise that you can think of, then for each source, make a list of all the noises you can hear. Remove yourself from the source of the noise. Now that you are aware of the sources of noise around you, you can identify those that are imposed on you and out of your control; try to escape from them as much as you can. You can close the windows, move to a less noisy part of the house, use ear plugs or go to a quieter environment. Minimize the volume of the noise. You do have control over many sources of noise, so you can eliminate them. You can lower your voice, thus influencing others to do the same. You can lower the volume of radio receivers, television sets, stereo systems and computer speakers, or turn them off altogether. Chapter 7: The third skill – The use of emotional tools You can have your refrigerator, washing machine and dryer repaired in order to reduce the noise they produce. You can turn off all the electrical appliances that you are not using at the moment, such as air conditioners, computers and fans. You can get rid of noisy old devices such as clocks, old heaters, vacuum cleaners, electric kettles, creaking chairs or banging shutters. Search for noiseless places. Different places have different noise levels. In any place where you find yourself, try and find the quietest corner, where you can spend time without being disturbed. In nature, near a spring or a river or in the desert, it is possible to find places that are free of urban or industrial noises. Look for such a place and use it as a refuge from everyday noises, so that you can renew your ability to reap the benefits of silence in your life. Create a noiseless setting. After you have learned to identify the sources of noise in your life, distinguish between noises you cannot control and those that you can and remove yourself from noisy areas; now you are ready to create a noiseless environment that will always be available to you. You can turn your office or study into a relatively quiet place, and if that is not possible, you can create a space that may be regularly used for rest or relaxation and thinking. It will be necessary to protect this space from external noises and remove any noisy appliances, getting rid of as much noise as you can. By identifying the sources of the noise around you, you can eliminate some of them, creating a safer and quieter place. Listening to music It might seem as if the idea of listening to music contradicts the idea of eliminating the noise to which we are exposed. Music is one of the major sources of noise and it attacks us wherever we go. It is hard to find a venue where loud music does not fill the air, whether from radios, TV sets, DVD screens, live street performers or computers. Most of us also carry a portable music device with us wherever we go, such as an Mp3 or Mp4 player or a sophisticated cellular phone. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training But there is a significant difference between being exposed to music and listening to music. The never-ending exposure to music deafens us and reduces our sensitivity to music. Actually this socalled 'music' is a kind of intrusive noise that damages our listening skills in the same way that a constant bombardment of information damages our skills of listening to sources of knowledge and to other people. The practice of listening to music is a useful way of rehabilitating our listening skills and coping with the threat of attention deficit. Can you remember the last time you really listened to the music you love? 'Listening' does not mean hearing music in the background while being occupied with other things. When did you last really concentrate on the music you love and enjoy it, without other stimulations (reading, eating, driving, making love, etc.)? As part of the constant practice of Emotional Training, listening to music can improve your skills of listening and concentration, while at the same time affording you real pleasure. Choose a musical piece that you love. Listening to music is similar to listening to other people. Listening to people you know and respect enriches and deepens your relationship with them by letting you learn something new about them. The same happens when you listen to music. By concentrating on listening to the music you love, you will always discover something new about it that will make it more valuable to you. You can choose a piece of music from any musical genre you prefer, be it jazz, classical, country or rock music. Practice your emotional awareness by choosing a piece that you associate with a unique and positive emotional experience. Listen to the music in a quiet, comfortable place. It will be more advantageous to listen to music in a noise-free environment. Make sure that no external noises interfere with your listening by choosing an isolated, quiet room at home or at work. In addition, try to eliminate the noise of unnecessary stimuli by turning off TV or computer screens, disconnecting telephone lines and removing all kinds of reading matter, like newspapers, books or advertisements. Make yourself Chapter 7: The third skill – The use of emotional tools comfortable by sitting in a soft armchair or on a sofa, thus preventing any physical discomfort or stress. Play the music through quality loudspeakers. Inferior sound production might turn good music into irritating noise, so make sure to listen to the music you love through quality loudspeakers. In a small room, quality sound can be obtained relatively inexpensively, but it is also possible to use a highquality headset. Repeatedly listen to a piece that you love. Do not overload yourself with too many musical selections; try and concentrate on one piece at a time. Repeatedly listening to a piece of music that you especially love will allow you to learn it by heart, so that you will be able to hear it in your inner ear whenever you choose, without any equipment. This will let you become familiar with every part of it and you will begin identifying its different levels of meaning, as well as the performer's unique interpretation. Learn about the piece you have chosen. Before listening to your beloved piece of music, prepare yourself by reading the text or musical score, learning about the composer, the librettist and the performer. This background knowledge will increase your awareness of its other aspects, bringing you closer to the music and enhancing your enjoyment and your sense of being in a safe place. Listening to music is actually a way of practicing any kind of listening, and it will improve your attention skills when studying, concentrating, listening to other people, reading or any other related activity. Listening to the music you love, in a quiet place with no other stimuli, will improve your listening ability and help eliminate the noise surrounding you. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training Chapter 8 The fourth skill: The emotional agreement Every interaction with ourselves, with others and with reality is based on contracts that define goals, expectations and behavioral norms. The contracts that control our lives are either of a cultural, moral, religious, commercial or personal nature. In order to cope with the anxiety provoked by these contracts, we must also come to an emotional agreement that will optimize our sense of safety and enable us to attune ourselves to any situation that arises. Continuous physical activity will help us practice and improve the skills needed in order to arrive at emotional agreements. "But I want a baby," persisted Diana. "I'm almost forty, and this is my last chance. You're a man. You're incapable of understanding that. You just can't." "But we had an agreement, honey," said Ted. He put his hand on hers, but she drew hers away. They were both lawyers who worked together in a small firm. They had been happily married for sixteen years, and their office was on the ground floor of their house. They were very proud of their house, which was located in a prestigious neighborhood near the sea. It was a symbol of their success. Although they earned a good income, they had decided not to take on additional partners, so that they could retain their independence and enjoy their marriage. They preferred to keep their firm small and successful and they chose their famous clients carefully. Ted had read about me on the Internet, so they decided to consult with me through my on-line clinic. At the end of the session, they asked me to tailor my one week couples' seminar to their needs. They stayed at my guest house and met with me every day for a four-hour session. Each session was dedicated to one of the seven emotional skills. In the first one, while practicing emotional awareness of their new situation, I asked them to pay attention to their breathing. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training They practiced this for a few minutes, after which Diana burst out crying. "I'm aware of my breathing, my body, the emptiness at the core of my being. I need to have a baby, to give birth. Can you help us solve this problem?" "No," I said softly. "If your problem was about having a baby, I'm sure you could find a good lawyer that could help you cope with it. You know better than I do how one deals with problems and agreements. I know how important it is for you to have a baby, Diana, and I know, Ted, that you love one other and don't want to cause one another pain. I have no magic solution for you, but I can help you develop mutual tolerance during the coming week, so that you can become attuned to each other and try to identify the source of your difficulty." "But we are attuned to each other," Ted answered. "We love each other and care about each other. We share our lives and our work and we know how to spend money on enjoying ourselves in our free time. I just don't understand what's gone wrong with her." "Wrong?!" exclaimed Diana. "Having a baby is wrong?" "You know what I mean," sighed Ted. "We talked about this before we got married and we both agreed that our personal development was more important to us than raising children. And we were right. We're at the top of our profession, we're financially affluent and we've achieved everything we ever dreamed about." But we were children ourselves then," whispered Diana, despairingly. "That was sixteen years ago, for goodness's sake. People change a lot in sixteen years. I don't need all this money and I'm fed up with this bloody success. I don't want to deal with contracts all my life. I want to be a mother." "Wait," I said, when I saw Ted's expression. "This is a good time to practice your emotional awareness. Try to identify your feelings towards one another in light of this new idea of having a baby, and the significant changes it could bring to your lives. Try also to be aware of your sense of loss if you decide not to have a baby. Think of your relationship, about the love and partnership you share and your ability to cope with this crisis. Don't try solving anything now; don't argue or try to justify yourselves. Just let these questions remain with you for the next three days. In the meantime, practice your skill of emotional Chapter 8: The fourth skill – The emotional agreement awareness; try to improve your common language and listen to one another." I also suggested that they spend at least an hour or two every day walking. Every morning each of them could go for a walk alone, in the mountains around our little village, then walk together to the river and back every afternoon. For the next two days they practiced the second step of creating a common language and the third step of listening to each other with empathy. They liked their daily walks, and by the fourth session they were much more relaxed. "Thank you for suggesting those walks," said Ted. "We're not in physical training, but it was quite relaxing. You have beautiful scenery here, but when Diana asked me what I thought of the view, I realized that I was too busy with my thoughts to pay attention to the scenery." "I enjoyed our walks together," said Diana. "The first time we went down to the river, we argued about the route, what we wanted to take with us, like wine and chocolate, and how much time we wanted to spend there. But the path was so beautiful and we had such a good time when we got there that the second time we knew exactly what we wanted to do and planned it together. Did you know that the fishermen here wade in the water?" "Yes, I know," I replied. "And I'm very happy about the insights you've gained from your river walks. Today we are going to discuss your contract, and walking is good physical practice for formulating a contract. Walking obliges you to define your goals, clarify your expectations and be aware of details and conditions. Walking together is a close simulation of the marriage contract." "Do you think you can teach us anything about contracts?" laughed Diana. "I am afraid that we're the experts in that field." Ted confirmed this with a nod. "I know that you're experts," I smiled, "but there's an essential difference between an emotional agreement and a legal one. While a legal contract needs to be fixed and closed and to include all foreseeable options, emotional contracts must be flexible and partial and they must be renewed regularly and attuned to constantly changing conditions and interests." "That's crazy," exclaimed Diana. "A flexible contract like that Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training would never allow you to sell a property. It wouldn't stand up in court." "Of course it wouldn't," I agreed. "A legal contract is based on the assumption that human beings are emotionally immature and that they conduct their relationships with other people like children needing the supervision of a responsible adult in the form of a court that can enforce its decisions at times of conflicts. A good legal contract is always based on the assumption that it will be broken." "But that's human nature," said Ted. "Human beings are like children, so if you don't enforce the law, they will kill each other off. Don't you agree?" "Well," I began, "I believe that there is another option. Many people believe that human beings are selfish and aggressive, while others believe that civilization is proof that they are capable of empathy. I believe that we have the power to choose between selfishness and empathy. We have the choice of believing that human beings are evil and that their aggression must be controlled. On the other hand, we can choose to believe that people are capable of developing their creative skills and controlling their own lives. Emotional Training is based on the second option. By developing our emotional skills, we can create a safe place for ourselves and for others, thus cancelling out the option of violence." "But there will always be a conflict of interests," said Diana. "Of course there will," I agreed, "and that's where the emotional contract comes in. Maybe it's better to call it the emotional agreement or the emotional alliance, in order to distinguish it from the legal contract. Let's talk about your agreement. When you got married, did you draw up a written contract or decide on a verbal agreement?" "When we got married, we were students, "Diana replied, "and we were very legally-minded. We were idealistic enough to draw up a contract that would include all the details of our life together. But we were not naïve, so we started by considering how we would achieve our goals; then we went back and filled in the small details. We imagined the success we would accomplish by the age of forty; then we decided on a plan that would make it happen. And it worked. We've really fulfilled all our goals. "But what about conflicts and crises?" I wondered. Chapter 8: The fourth skill – The emotional agreement "We've had enough of those," said Ted, "but we were prepared for them. We didn't want to let conflict interfere with our plan, so we integrated a problem-solving sub-contract into the contract itself. We agreed that whenever a conflict arose, we would designate an expert who would objectively examine the problem, and we would always accept the expert's decision." "Wow," I was impressed. "There's the whole idea of mediation in a nutshell. Did it work?" "Yes," said Diana, smiling. "It was more like arbitration. As you can see, we're still together, although we have gone through some tough times. Once I moved out for a week. According to the contract, we decided to devote our lives to social justice issues, oppose globalization and represent only green organizations. We wanted to become experts in the field, but we couldn't survive without a decent income. It wasn't easy to give up on our dream, but we're still involved and raise a lot of money for these causes." "What about having children?" I asked. "Was that part of the contract?" "No…" hesitated Ted, "I mean, we discussed it and decided not to have children, but somehow we didn't include it in the written contract. But a verbal contract is as legally binding as a written one, and Diana never mentioned changing our original agreement." "No, I didn't," whispered Diana, "because we didn't have an unwritten contract or a verbal agreement, but more of a declaration of intent. In any case, such an agreement would be declared invalid on the grounds that it negated my rights as a woman." "Now do you see why we didn't go to a legal expert?" asked Ted. "We needed a different kind of expert, so that's why we turned to you." "I'm not going to solve your problem," I answered calmly, "but I can help you practice a new kind of contract, which will enable you to work it out by yourselves. I believe that an emotional agreement will also be a method that can be applied in your professional work and that it will be beneficial for your relationships with clients, colleagues and will even help you when you are in court. But first I want to rephrase my contract with you and ask you not to try dealing with this problem in our sessions before you practice the skill of creating an Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training emotional alliance. It was not easy to restrain them, since they were very enthusiastic about the idea of an emotional contract, and as experienced lawyers they wanted to test it out and see what was in it for them professionally. But I did trust them and I was aware that the question of having a baby could be easily resolved; however, I sensed that this was not their real problem. I wanted them to practice the skill of creating an emotional agreement, so that they would also be capable of coping with other difficulties that might arise regarding their original contract. I did not have to wait for long. It was no coincidence that they had approached me only a few months before they reached the age of forty. Although they had a very good contract that enabled them to work as a team and fulfill all their goals, it did have a time limit, so their reaching the age of forty served as a catalyst. Now that they had reached that age, the deadline they had agreed upon literally threatened to be the end of the line. Their task was almost successfully completed, but they had no alternative plan for the future, and this was frightening for them. Since they had such a strong common vision, they did not feel it necessary to attune themselves to one another on a regular basis. Their plans and subsequent schedule were enough to make them feel they had created the sense of a common safe place, but now their future was no longer secure and they had no shared future objectives. First, I asked them to practice the emotional contract that stipulated that they constantly renew their contract on a daily basis in any kind of interaction. I had to interrupt them again and again, since they were not used to focusing on their ongoing plans and adapting their chief goals to minor changes in their lives. On the contrary, they were used to giving up their immediate needs in favor of the 'big plan'. After engaging in a few simulations, they started examining their goal concerning their immediate situation, and this caused them some uneasiness. This new kind of interaction raised significant issues, forcing them to re-evaluate their plans and objectives while starting to consider formulating a new contract with new goals. Naturally this created considerable stress and conflict. Diana was tired of being a lawyer, Chapter 8: The fourth skill – The emotional agreement and the thought of having a baby seemed to her to be a satisfactory alternative. Ted was not ready for a change. He loved his work, so he found any thought of ‘rocking the boat' intimidating. At that point I asked them to consider one significant difference between a legal contract and an emotional agreement. While the purpose of the legal contract was to ensure that both sides would follow all the stipulations of the original contract in order to achieve a specific aim, the purpose of the emotional agreement was to create a place that was safe for both parties. While any change in the execution of a legal contract can provoke anxiety and conflict, daily changes in the emotional contract can actually contribute to its chief objective: creating the sense of a safe place. I asked Diana and Ted to engage in a new simulation, forgetting their original contract and regarding the simulation as a game, in which their target was to give one another a greater feeling of safety. Contrary to my misgivings, they enjoyed playing this game, since they really did love one another and had no difficulty in demonstrating mutual empathy. They even perfected the simulation further by suggesting that each of them play advocate for the other side towards creating a viable agreement. This made the role play less threatening, since they could use their legal skills, which made them feel 'at home'. The outcome was dramatic. They developed creative ideas for coping with their new situation, thus finding the process of dealing with it less threatening. Although they were ripe for a change, I wouldn't let them discuss the problem of the baby until they had spent more time dealing with their short-term plans, rehearsing them until they were ready to make more significant changes. A month later they sent me an e-mail, thanking me for the seminar and telling me about the life changes they had made. They had decided to revert back to their original plan and start a legal web site that would co-opt all the bodies that supported green organizations in a communal effort towards preventing ecological disasters. By doing this they could stop working for other people and focus on offering online legal advice. This would give them enough spare time to prepare for their new baby. The fourth emotional skill is practicing the formulation of an Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training emotional agreement. Even without being aware of it, we constantly create unwritten agreements in all of our interactions with others. These involve our expectations from the interaction, its conditions and its goal. A clear agreement that covers all aspects of the interaction can cause us to feel secure, whereas a vague and ambiguous one can make us feel uneasy. Improving our skill of creating sound agreements can teach us how to create a safe place for ourselves and for others. Danny called his friend Joe and asked for his help in an urgent matter. "Let's meet at Café Olga at five o'clock," Danny suggested. Joe agreed immediately Danny got to the coffee shop before the agreed time, but Joe arrived late, breathing heavily and seeming agitated. By this time it was five-thirty. "I don't know what's going on with me lately," he said, sitting down and signaling to the waitress. "Since my son moved back home, I'm just not myself anymore. He said that he would only stay for two weeks until he found an apartment, but it's been almost a month and he uses the house as his office. His friends sit in my living room until late at night, and when I come home from the office, I find him surfing on my computer. There's no room for me anymore. Now, when he heard that I was going to meet you, he asked me to give him a lift to a friend's house and to stop off at the bank on the way. I'm sorry for the delay." When the waitress arrived, they went through the menu but couldn't decide whether to order a meal or just a drink, since they had not agreed who was going to pay for it. They both ordered coffee, and Joe told Danny at length about his new project and the hard time he was having with his investors. "I'm sorry to interrupt you," apologized Danny at last, "but it's already six o'clock and in fifteen minutes I have to run and pick up Ruth from her dentist's. I have to make a decision regarding my pension, and I thought that you could help me. Maybe we can do it some other time." Danny and Joe were close friends, and they remained so even after their disappointing meeting. Danny was disappointed since he had Chapter 8: The fourth skill – The emotional agreement explicitly asked his best friend to come and help him, and Joe was disappointed since he had done his best to do what his friend had asked, not being aware that his time was so limited. Such disappointment could easily have been avoided if Danny had phrased his request thus: "Hi, Joe. I really need your help and I want you to advise me about my pension. Could you meet me at Café Olga at five o'clock? It needs to be at five since I have to leave at six-fifteen to pick up Ruth from her dentist's. And please, Joe, this is very important for me, so I beg you to give me your full attention and not to talk about other issues. The meal is on me." Thus, in a short message lasting a few seconds, Danny could have clarified the goal of the meeting, his expectations from Joe, the hour and the duration of the meeting, the fact that the meal was his treat and his preferences regarding the course of the interaction. Such a short, simple message constitutes an emotional agreement. In our example, it would have helped Danny to realize his goal while also creating the sense of a safe place in which to maintain his relationship with his good friend. By defining our goals, planning our lives and re-evaluating them on a daily basis, we also create a contract with ourselves. Our capacity to do this expresses itself in our self-image and in our level of anxiety or sense of safety. The emotional contract is different from any other contract in two major ways. First, it is always temporary and has to be renewed and re-formulated for every interaction. Second, the goal of the emotional contract is not related to any particular interaction but rather to generating the sense of a safe place. The test of a good emotional contract is whether or not it creates a sense of safety. While a legal contract is valid for a long time and meant to fulfill fixed terms, the emotional agreement is only meant to create a mutual sense of a safe place and must be renewed regularly. The best marriage contract cannot prevent a crisis twenty years Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training later, but the daily fine tuning of an emotional alliance can prevent crisis and improve the relationship. Diana and Ted might have been experts in drawing up legal contracts, but they did not know how to create an emotional agreement, and that was the source of their crisis. The art of formulating a contract is not learned at school. Its seeming relation to legal procedures deters most people from wanting to deal with it, but it constitutes one of the most important skills for creating the sense of a safe place. Understanding the difference between legal contracts and emotional agreements can help us improve this skill and be better prepared for any kind of interaction. Practice: Formulating an agreement An emotional agreement is a mechanism that enables us to respond to any real-world stimulus. In fact, all seven emotional skills serve the same goal, helping us respond to stimuli that are processed by the emotional system, but the emotional agreement provides us with a plan that covers all aspects of any interaction. The role of the emotional agreement is to mediate between ourselves and reality, so that we can realize our plans in an optimal way, while avoiding possible conflicts and misunderstandings There are three basic types of commonly used emotional agreements: Self-agreement. When you wake up in the morning and decide to go to the bathroom, brush your teeth, eat breakfast and go to work, you are actually creating an emotional self-agreement. When you meet a girl, fall in love and develop fantasies about her, you are creating an emotional self-agreement. When you decide to quit your job and move to India, you are creating an emotional self-agreement. Every action we take in our lives is based on an emotional self-agreement. We constantly form agreements with ourselves about the way we make choices in our lives, plan each day and respond to unexpected events. Such self-agreements have a bearing on our expectations, goals, strategic plans and moral values. Usually we are not aware of Chapter 8: The fourth skill – The emotional agreement these fleeting daily self-agreements. We pay attention to them only when we are about to effect meaningful changes in our lives or make long-term plans, or when we have to cope with traumatic events. Agreements with other people. When you ask your friend to meet you at a pub, you are actually proposing an emotional agreement. When you request an appointment with your boss concerning advancement and a raise in salary, you are planning an emotional agreement. When you bargain with a builder about house prices, you are taking part in an emotional agreement. Any interaction with other people has a particular purpose, whether short-term or long-term. We always arrive at meetings with others armed with some kind of emotional agreement based on our relationship with them, our habits and our values. Such agreements are meant to enable human beings to maintain contact in a civilized way, but even when interactions with other people are based on violence, as in the case of war or conflict, there are underlying emotional agreements. Agreements with reality. When you go out to work in the garden, you are fulfilling an emotional agreement based on the laws of nature, your gardening knowledge and your plans and expectations. When you drive your car, you do so on the basis of an emotional agreement depending on your driving skills, the mechanical condition of the car and the quality of the roads. Our interactions with the world around us are based on a reciprocal emotional agreement concerning the laws of nature and our desire to control material reality. Our emotional agreements with ourselves, with others and with reality help us define our expectations and the terms by which to realize them. Since we are not trained in formulating emotional agreements, we are liable to confuse them with legal contracts. Unlike the latter, the former are temporary and have to be renewed again and again for each Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training interaction. The goal of the emotional agreement is to create the sense of a safe place for all parties. All other goals and details are secondary, and they are subject to change in order to meet the main goal. Many conflicts and disappointments are caused through not understanding this basic fact. We intuitively believe that our own personal standards can serve us as an emotional agreement, but this can lead us to confuse between a practical agreement and a false one. So first of all, before we start practicing the formulation of emotional agreements, let's learn how to avoid false ones. False agreements are not mutual, nor do they lack the proper conditions to allow us to create the sense of a safe place: Unilateral agreements. When both sides are not aware of the details and assumptions concerning an emotional agreement, this means that the agreement is one-sided. In many cases an emotional agreement may be unilateral, although both parties believe that it is mutual. This can happen between wives and husbands, when they each interpret their twenty-year-old marriage agreement differently. In such cases the couple does have a legal contract, but if they do not renew it daily as a continuous emotional agreement, they will reach a crisis. Unless it is mutually renewed on a regular basis, such a contract loses its validity. Forced agreements. Agreements that are imposed on one of the parties may stand up in court, but they are always false, and will lead to mistrust and anxiety. Parents sometimes force such agreements on their children; at times countries also behave similarly towards their citizens. Sometimes we manipulate those we love into committing themselves to forced agreements, consequently ruining our relationships with them. This happens when a boy is forced to marry a girl because she has become pregnant or when we try to behave in a way that does not come naturally to us so as to satisfy someone we love. Such false emotional agreements may be goal-oriented, but they can never create the sense of a safe place. Chapter 8: The fourth skill – The emotional agreement Vague and ambiguous agreements. When agreements are not based on a common language, so that each side is able to interpret its terms in a different way, they can become vague and ambiguous. At times we create such ambiguous declarations when we fall in love; at others, we formulate vague agreements in an attempt to hide differences or conflicts. Such vague agreements constitute false emotional agreements, engendering confusion and distrust. Limited agreements. Some agreements are inadequate and limited, since they do not include vital components. Such agreements indicate that we have been negligent and superficial in formulating them; they can never create the sense of a safe place. Imagine meeting someone for the first time and spending a few hours with him or her. You have a wonderful time, and when you depart you say: "I really enjoyed meeting you, and I hope that we'll meet again soon. I'll call you." Such a message, which is typical of romantic encounters, is a false emotional agreement, since it does not indicate an exact time or place for the next meeting, causing false expectations and frustration. Goal-oriented agreements. When emotional agreements are goal-oriented, they imitate legal contracts and cease to serve as emotional agreements. For example, this happens when parents promise to buy their daughter a new dress if she passes a math exam. Their intentions might be positive, as they wish to support their daughter and help her cope with test anxiety. However, this is a false emotional agreement because it does not create the sense of a safe place, but actually ignores the possibility of failure, which may actually increase anxiety. Unbalanced agreements. Agreements are false when they do not take into account the interests of one of the parties. Sometimes an agreement may be legal and fair, while simultaneously ignoring the emotional needs of one of the parties, who may be unaware of it at the time. This might happen when you are renting your house to someone who is superstitious, without telling him that the previous tenant had committed suicide. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training Social agreement. Most of our everyday oral agreements are based on moral conventions, social values or religious beliefs. In fact, every human interaction is unconsciously based on such assumptions. We take the Social Contract for granted and we believe that there are underlying agreements that prevent us from killing and harming each other. Actually, such contracts ensure the existence of society, but at the same time they are false emotional agreements that do not create the sense of a safe place. Such agreements, which are not really of our own making, might be a source of misunderstanding and disappointment. Valid legal contracts become false emotional agreements if they are not renewed at each interaction. Emotional agreements must be renewed constantly and must focus on creating the sense of a safe place. Be aware of false emotional agreements that are not formulated by you or that do not provide the terms for creating the sense of a safe place. Emotional agreement and emotional skills The emotional agreement plays a central role in the practice of Emotional Training, since it reflects all seven emotional skills. We use our emotional skills in order to create the sense of a safe place in any interaction with other people, with reality and with ourselves. The emotional agreement is a real-life way of using our emotional skills to make a clear statement that will also be understandable to others. The emotional agreement includes and expresses the seven emotional skills. Practicing the emotional skills can spontaneously and automatically teach us to create the sense of a safe place. But it is through the emotional agreement that we can clearly and directly create the sense of a safe place. An emotional agreement is a message of trust and confidence, and it should clearly reflect and formulate each of the seven emotional skills: Chapter 8: The fourth skill – The emotional agreement Emotional awareness Since the goal of the emotional agreement is to create the sense of a safe place, it must always be based on being emotionally aware of the anxiety or security levels of the involved parties. When a guest comes to stay with you after a long flight, you could say: "I missed you and I have so much to tell you. But you look tired, so why don't you eat something and go to sleep, and we'll talk tomorrow." This short message is an emotional agreement that focuses on the emotional states of the guest and the host, and on their needs. Common language Whereas a false emotional agreement is vague and ambiguous, a good emotional agreement either employs simple language that is easily understood by both parties or includes clarifications of the more complex terms. In this way the emotional agreement helps us create a common language and feel secure. You might say: "Would you like to go out tomorrow and celebrate my birthday? By 'celebrating' I don't mean dancing or giving expensive gifts, but going to a quiet place where we can spend some time together without interruption." This is an emotional agreement that expresses your intentions, while also clarifying the terms you use, thereby elevating your common language to a higher level. Emotional tools You can turn a legal contract into an emotional agreement by implementing emotional tools, especially the skill of empathy. When you use empathy you also show that you are listening and trying to understand the other party, thus creating the sense of a safe place. Such an interaction might go like this: "We have to talk about what happened yesterday. I was very angry, but now I can see your point of view and I understand why you did it, although I still don't approve of it." Such an approach might create the basis for sorting things out and creating a secure context for an unpleasant discussion. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training Coordination of expectations The main role of the emotional agreement that is not reflected in the other emotional skills is coordinating expectations. "He always buys me a book for my birthday," complained Esther. She had been married to Dan for thirty years, and he adored her and was willing to do anything for her. "What's wrong with a book?" I asked. "I love books," said Esther. She was a well-known university literature professor, and no one could accuse her of not reading books. "But every year before my birthday, I hope he will buy me some jewelry. What's wrong with jewelry?" "Do you ask him to buy you jewelry?" I asked. "Of course not," she admitted. "We've been married for thirty years, so isn't it about time that he knows what I really want?" The above example may sound ridiculous, but this is exactly the kind of expectation that cause most of our frustrations and disappointments. Many conflicts are generated by false hopes that are based on false agreements. We believe that the other party is aware of our expectations and we integrate such false premises into our emotional agreements. By coordinating expectations, or at least by stating them simply and clearly, you can prevent a lot of disappointments. This is the main role of the emotional agreement. A physically safe place An emotional agreement always refers to our intentions regarding an anticipated action. We feel secure when the agreement designates a physical place that is both convenient and safe. We feel insecure when the proposed location is not mentioned or when it is not clearly described. "Let's talk about it tomorrow. We can meet in my office; then we'll sit somewhere and try to find a way out of your difficulty." Sitting 'somewhere' may be suitable for a coffee break, but if you're seeking advice regarding your divorce, such a vague setting will not augment your sense of security. You will succeed better in creating a good emotional agreement if Chapter 8: The fourth skill – The emotional agreement you choose a convenient, intimate and quiet physical setting. Time management Time is our most precious asset, and we would have no life without it. Not being time management experts, we waste a lot of precious time in our daily lives. When we make time management part of our emotional agreements, we gain control over our lives and feel more secure, while also making other people feel safer. When you say "Let's meet again soon," you ignore the importance of accurately defining time limits. If you want to make other people feel more secure, it would be better to say, "Let's meet again next Monday. Can you meet me at three o'clock for two hours? That would be great." By defining time boundaries, your emotional agreements become more efficient, making you feel more secure. Emotional message Whereas a legal contract has no specific 'ending', the emotional agreement should end with an emotional message, which encapsulates the content of the agreement and positively links it to any future developments. You can sum up an emotional agreement with a short message such as: "It would be great to do that together. Let's make a habit of it," or "When we finish painting the wall, we can cook something for dinner. We're such a good team!" Such messages may not be relevant to the content of the agreement, but they are vital for creating trust and the sense of a safe place. Like any other agreement, the emotional agreement is always intended for both sides, but unlike a legal contract, it does not depend on the acceptance of the other party. The emotional agreement is a message that we formulate and convey to another person again and again during each interaction, and it can be beneficial, even when the other side does not respond. Sometimes the results are immediate and sometimes they are delayed, but in any case, the message always has the positive influence of expressing our wish to create the sense of a Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training safe place for the other party. An efficient emotional agreement expresses the seven emotional skills. Guidelines for formulating efficient emotional agreements The emotional agreement is a short message with which we begin any interaction with other people. We can also initiate any interaction with reality or with ourselves with such an unspoken message. Although the emotional agreement always refers to the practical motives of an encounter, its real goal is to create a sense of safety. The emotional agreement must briefly express the seven emotional skills, either as a plan for the meeting or as a reminder of a previous agreement. The following guidelines may help you formulate it in a clear and simple way. The emotional agreement has to be re-formulated for every interaction. Identify previous or false agreements Every interaction is based on an unspoken agreement which each of the parties holds without having shared it with the other party. These agreements are obviously false agreements. Being aware of such agreements will enable you to differentiate between them and true emotional agreements. Such agreements can be previous determined by the parties: Continuous agreements. Most of our interactions are based on long-term relationships that we falsely interpret as being based on a binding agreement. Married couples believe that their marital agreement can maintain their relationship, while close friends believe that friendship is an informal agreement based on loyalty and trust. These assumptions are understandable, but Chapter 8: The fourth skill – The emotional agreement they have nothing to do with creating the sense of a safe place. Husbands and wives who put too much trust in their marital agreement and do not renew it continuously and attune it to the changes in their lives will soon find themselves separated. Friendships based on false trust will end in disappointment. Legal contracts. Some of our interactions are based on legal contracts with landlords or tenants, employers or workers, clients or partners. But the best legal contracts will not help us create the sense of a safe place when we interact with such people. Previously assumed agreements. Since it is not always obvious if we have a common language with others, we usually interpret their words according to our own subjective point of view. This causes us to assume that our own interpretation of previous interactions is acceptable to the other party. In such cases, we might respond to a conflict thus: "But you said…" We must identify such interpretations and get them out of the way. In order to create efficient emotional agreements, we must identify previous false agreements that are not attuned to the present interaction. The following are conventions that might be falsely interpreted as agreements: Social norms. Social norms are meant to create the sense of a safe place while actually failing to do this. We tend to assume that social norms are actual agreements affecting any particular interaction, forgetting that each party might interpret them in a different way. Identifying this possibility can help us select such norms and integrate them into our emotional agreements. Moral norms. Moral norms are even stronger than social norms, and most people regard them as basic truths. We all agree not to kill, cheat and betray one another, but these negative principles are not a strong enough basis for an emotional agreement, which must be based on positive consensual terms. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training Ethical code. Many groups of people accept ethical codes that serve as guidelines for relationships. Professional ethical codes are the most common, but such codes may also be found in social clubs, religious gatherings or intimate relationships. These codes of ethics are as important as legal contracts, but they do not constitute a sufficient basis for each unique interaction. However, it would be advisable to integrate ethical codes into our emotional agreements, since they may enhance our sense of a safe place. Conventions create a false sense of agreement, and we have to re-clarify them for each interaction. Following are other kinds of false agreements: Unresolved conflicts. It is impossible to be in accord with all of the people all of the time, but we tend to ignore or forget many unresolved conflicts. These are liable to affect our interactions and damage our emotional agreements. Any unresolved conflict can disrupt a previous agreement, so it is important to identify and refer to it by creating an emotional agreement. Changes in relationships. Our relationships are changing all the time, whereas our agreements are mostly fixed. This can undermine previous agreements and increase anxiety. If we do not wish such false agreements to influence our emotional agreements, we should resolve or cancel them. Habits. Regular and constant interactions with other people, especially close relationships with spouses and friends, usually become habit. This causes us to copy our unique emotional agreements and implement them in other interactions. This can lead us to create false emotional agreements. Chapter 8: The fourth skill – The emotional agreement A long-term relationship is not a sufficient condition for an efficient emotional agreement, and we must re-define them for each interaction. Clarify previous agreements in one short sentence. If you have a previous agreement, you should clarify it in a short sentence and integrate it into your new emotional agreement. Rephrasing your previous agreement can reinforce the bond it creates or attune it to the present situation in light of your original agreement. Refresh efficient agreements. If you have a valid and efficient agreement with the person with whom you are meeting, make the other party aware that you are satisfied with it. Such messages will renew your agreement and make your partner feel secure. When referring to a marital agreement, you might say: "Whenever I see you, I know that I could never have chosen anyone better than you to marry." Some people feel that such a reiterated message may sound banal, but this is not so. I once knew someone who used to say after every meal his wife cooked that it was "…like eating at the best restaurant in town." Maybe some of their guests grew sick of listening to him say that, but his wife never tired of hearing this declaration of his love. Repair distorted agreements. Some previous agreements are imperfect, but a short message can allow you to repair them and share your positive intentions with the other party. When meeting with your employer regarding the possibility of promotion, you could say: "I've enjoyed working here for the past three years, but my job doesn't suit me anymore. It would be great if we could both think of a more challenging position." End bad agreements. Sometimes a previous agreement was a total failure, so you need to let the other party know that you are ending it. This might happen when you meet a former client who has not paid his debts on time and is now asking you to trust him again. You could say: "Our last experience wasn't so Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training successful, so this time I'll need you to make an advanced payment." Without such a clarification, you might find yourself falling into the same trap once again. Clarifying a previous agreement lets the other party know that you are aware of your shared past experience and are ready to create a new agreement for the present interaction. An efficient emotional agreement refers to previous agreements and adapts them to the present interaction. Define the practical goal of the meeting For several years I trained family doctors in improving doctor-patient relationships using emotional skills. GPs allot about seven minutes to each patient, and this is not sufficient. That explains why most GPs end the meeting by asking their patients to visit again soon. I found that the anxiety generated by the illness usually leads doctors and their patients to waste about six minutes on idle conversation. This whole situation changed when doctors gave up this habit and started greeting their patients with a clear message: "It's good to see you again. Since we have only a short time, why don't you start off with the reason for your visit? Let's focus on the main issue at hand." Initiating an interaction with its main purpose saves time and averts disappointment. Remember that the real goal of the emotional agreement is to create that sense of a safe place, whereas the practical goal is subject to change. Clearly indicating the practical goal of the meeting lets you relax the atmosphere, prevent misunderstanding and focus both parties' attention. State the practical goal. Only some of our interactions have practical goals. Such occasions are generally either business meetings, professional encounters or unique meetings. Although we may be aware of our practical goal, the other party might interpret it differently. If you ask a lawyer friend to look over your new contract with your employer, don't start out by Chapter 8: The fourth skill – The emotional agreement chatting to him about work or family, but initiate the meeting by saying: "Thanks for stopping by. I hope you can make more sense out of this contract than I can." Clarify the practical goal. Sometimes the goal of the meeting is vague, and this may be confusing for both sides. For example, when talking to others, we might say "Let's talk about it later." When we meet again, we might know what the purpose of the meeting is, but the other party may not interpret it in the same way. Thus we should clarify it by saying: "Do you remember that at our last meeting you suggested that we get expert advice? I thought that was a good idea, and I'd like to discuss it further." Create a practical goal. On many occasions there is no specific goal for the interaction. We meet friends and colleagues on a daily basis just for the sake of meeting. This is understandable, but it will make us feel better if we also create a practical goal for the meeting that will direct us and make us feel more secure: "It's so good to see you. Let's talk about your new girlfriend today." By choosing a practical goal for each interaction, we enhance a sense of safety. Offer full attention and empathy Most of us are not used to listening to others, and we do our best to take control of the conversation. By showing our attention empathically, we turn the focus from ourselves to the other party and create a sense of trust. Keep in mind that such interactions are not meant to replace psychotherapy, but full attention to one aspect of the conversation will have a remarkable effect. Be empathic. Even if you are the focus of the meeting and the other party is giving you his or her full attention, be empathic and express your interest in your listener. Try to integrate an empathic message in your emotional agreement: "I know how Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training busy you are these days, and I really appreciate your taking the time to meet with me." Offer attention. Whatever the practical goal of the interaction, always make your full attention evident so that the other party is aware of your respect for his or her narrative. Always direct your intention to a specific matter: "I know how important this is to you, and I want to hear all about it," or "You came to listen to me today, but I want you to know that I've been worried about you since your divorce, so don't forget that I'm here for you whenever you need me." Be aware of the other party's needs and formulate them in words In order to make the emotional agreement mutual and avoid a false agreement, you need to be aware of the other party's needs and integrate them into the agreement. Doing so will also express your empathy and create trust. Help the other party formulate his or her needs. By repeating the other party's message in a simple and clear way, you will also express your empathy and attention and create trust: "Am I to understand that you prefer not to talk about this today?" Identify the other party's needs. Sometimes the other party is not aware of his or her own needs, and you can help identify them and integrate them into the emotional agreement: "Do you want us to go and see the house together before we leave?" Plan the meeting The unknown always provokes anxiety, even when it only involves minor details. Creating the sense of a safe place may be enhanced by planning the course of the meeting as part of the emotional agreement. Chapter 8: The fourth skill – The emotional agreement Present your expectations. Share your expectations of the meeting briefly with the other party: "I would like to go over the entire blueprint alone; then we can look at it together." Listen to the other party's expectations. Ask the other parties to present their expectations, so that you can plan the meeting together. Create a plan. Formulate a short plan for the meeting: "So we'll start with your part and then read the whole play." Or "We'll check the blueprint tomorrow." Formulating expectations in the emotional agreement enables efficient time management of the interaction. Share the responsibility for managing the meeting Even a short and simple meeting has to be managed by someone. Not deciding who is responsible for managing the meeting may leave both parties feeling confused and insecure. Define who will be in charge and decide how this will work as part of the emotional agreement: "We have a lot to do today, so why don't you operate the slides projector while I take care of serving the coffee?" Define the time limit of this meeting and subsequent ones Since time management is one of the main components of creating a safe place, it is important to define it clearly as part of the emotional agreement. Define the length of the meeting. Both parties will feel more secure if they know when the meeting will end: "Can we finish by five o'clock?" Agree on the schedule. Suggest a precise schedule for the meeting: "Let's start with reading the report until five; then we'll take a ten-minute break and leave the last half hour for decision making." Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training A brief reminder of the next meeting. Suggest a date for the next meeting, to give a sense of continuity: "Let's meet again next week at the same time." Present the limitations of the agreement There is no agreement without limitations, so being aware of these can strengthen the sense of a safe place. Limitations regarding the goal. Discuss the possibility that the goal will not be achieved: "I hope we'll finish this today, but I know it will be quite difficult." Limitations regarding the time. Be aware of the time allotted for the meeting: "We only have two hours, so I'm not sure we can finish everything today." Limitations regarding the place. Be ready for interruptions: "The kids are on vacation at the moment, so I hope it won't be too noisy." State the possibility of deviation We cannot forecast all future options, so we must be prepared for surprises that could threaten the emotional agreement: "Let's start now. If anything goes wrong, we can always stop and begin again at the beginning." Conditions for creating an effective emotional agreement You can always check how efficient your emotional agreement is by asking the following questions: 1. Is the agreement achievable? (Have you ever achieved such a goal before?) 2. Is it safe? (Does it allow for physical safety?) 3. Is it formulated positively? (Are the objectives achievable?) 4. Is it recognizable? (Can you observe the outcome with your five senses?) Chapter 8: The fourth skill – The emotional agreement 5. Can it be executed in such a way that you know the goal has been achieved? 6. Is it formulated in a clear context (where, when and with which limitations)? If you can answer these questions positively, it means that you have created the terms of an effective emotional agreement. Examples for creating emotional agreements You can relax now. The emotional agreement must be clear and concise, sometimes no more than a few sentences. It is not necessary to follow every item on this long list of guidelines: choose only the ones relevant for you. Remember that the emotional agreement is always unique and that it relates to the present interaction only. The following fictitious situations demonstrate how an emotional agreement is formulated. A one-time emotional agreement for ongoing relationships Most of our everyday interactions are a part of ongoing relationships. We meet our spouses, friends, work colleagues and neighbors. Each relationship is based on a previous agreement, whether cultural, moral, social or commercial, while some constitute uniquely tailored contracts. These previous agreements are goal-oriented and differ from emotional agreements that must be formulated for every interaction in order to create the sense of a safe place. It is important to relate to previous agreements and integrate them into your emotional agreements, so that you renew a sense of trust and enhance the relationship, while forming a unique bond for the present situation. Helen was a divorced woman with a twelve-year old son named Jack. Every morning, before driving him to school on the way to her office, Helen and Jack had breakfast together. They enjoyed these occasions, when they could fill one another in about what had happened the Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training previous day, share their thoughts and plan the day ahead. They had formulated a previous agreement regarding their daily duties and morning meetings: Housekeeping. They shared their household duties. Helen swept the floor and Jack washed the dishes. She operated the washing machine, whereas he was responsible for the dryer. Personal duties. Helen spent eight hours a day at her office to make a living for both of them, and Jack worked hard at school. Breakfast. Helen prepared the food, while Jack went down to the grocery store to buy fresh bread. He cleared the table after the meal. Their emotional agreement was intended to maintain their close relationship and prepare them for the future: Referring to an ongoing agreement. Every morning they renewed their previous agreement by referring to one of its components. Conveying love. They expressed their love by referring to one another's good points and by giving one another little presents. Coordinating expectations. Their breakfast together enabled them to share what they expected from one another on a daily basis and agree on future plans. Since most of the components of their emotional agreement were fixed, Helen and Jack did not need to refer to them directly or rephrase them, although from time to time they did both agree to make minor changes. They might change something on the menu, the way the table was set or how long breakfast lasted, according to their special needs. Following is a typical emotional agreement formulated by Helen, who usually took responsibility for managing the meetings, although from time to time she did switch roles with her son: "Good morning, Jackie. You look tired, but you are still the bestlooking boy I've ever seen, and your smile is magical. I love you so much. I found this disc for you at a music shop yesterday, and I hope Chapter 8: The fourth skill – The emotional agreement you like it. Thanks for cleaning the kitchen last night, although you were so tired. I have to stop at the post office for a minute, so we'll leave five minutes earlier today. Is that okay? Is there anything special you need from me today? If not, please tell me all about the new music teacher." A one-time emotional agreement for special interactions Sometimes you need to conduct a special meeting with people that you meet with regularly, such as friends, family members, colleagues or employers. A special meeting is often a prelude to a major life change, so it can provoke anxiety. Although such meetings are goaloriented and based on an agreed contract, they also require an emotional agreement that will give you a sense of security in difficult circumstances. Dana and Joan had been close friends for many years. They had known one other from an early age and had shared an apartment as students. They maintained their relationship after they got married, continuing to meet at least once a week. During the time Joan was on sabbatical at Oxford University in England, they used to exchange e-mails every day and talk through Skype two or three times a week. When Dana was hospitalized and diagnosed with melanoma, she did not want her friend to interrupt her research to visit her. But Joan left everything and got on a plane, planning to visit Dana the next day. When she had received news of her friend's illness, Joan was shocked. She hadn't known what to say or how to respond. The fear of her best friend's death was mixed with her own death anxieties. During the long hours of her flight, she went over again and again what she would say when she met her dying friend. In actual fact, she was rehearsing her proposal for an emotional agreement. She planned to refer to their long-term friendship contract, which had promised loyalty and caring: Shared experience. Their friendship was based on an ongoing experience of mutual caring and confidentiality. Trust and loyalty. They knew that they would always trust and remain loyal to one another. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training Practical help. Over their many years of friendship, they had helped one another whenever necessary, in times of joy or tragedy, through childbirth and divorce. Joan also wanted her friend to know that she was prepared for this unexpected development and that she would support her, whatever happened. The fear of death. Joan decided to share her own fear of death, so that Dana would feel free to talk about her illness and death anxiety. Hospital bureaucracy. Joan knew that her friend hated paperwork and administration, so she decided to take care of these matters herself. Reading. They were both bookworms, and spent a lot of time talking about books. Joan decided to continue with this habit to make her friend feel that life goes on as usual. Joan was all prepared with her emotional agreement, but her ill friend surprised her with an emotional agreement of her own: "Joanie, I'm so happy you're here, although I really didn't want to make such a big fuss about this. I know I'm going to die. Big deal! I knew it had to happen some day. But your being here will make it easier because I know that with you I can talk about anything and that you'll listen. But please don't treat me like an invalid, and let's spend our time together as usual. Did you bring a new book for me?" A one-time emotional agreement for unique interactions We are not used to one-time meetings in our natural environment, so we are less experienced with such interactions. Although we do encounter strangers in the street, we seldom interact with them formally. Professionals meet new clients and social events bring about meetings between previously unacquainted people. In addition, the advent of the Internet has widened our opportunities for meeting new people. A unique interaction with someone we do not know provokes more anxiety than any other type of interaction, thus an emotional Chapter 8: The fourth skill – The emotional agreement agreement is vital here for creating trust and the sense of a safe place. Boris owned a small business that produced 'emotional-message' tags for big companies. On his tags were printed positive messages like "You look so nice when you smile," or "It's great and it's gonna get even better" or "I love you." The tags could be attached to a shirt or to office furniture, and the research Boris had done showed that positive messages improved employee productivity. Boris was a good salesman. He was a frequent flyer, and spent most of his time flying business class from one capital city to another. He knew how to create relationships and he never missed the chance of a sale. Every flight was followed by an order for his tags from one of his business class companions, at times a small order and at times a significant one. His secret was giving strangers a sense of safety and trust. His goal was straightforward, and he was always ready with a short emotional agreement containing the following components: Being empathetic. He always approached the other passengers by paying attention to their emotional responses to the flight. He did this by identifying their mood and body language. Provoking other people's empathy. He always presented himself by mirroring other people's feeling, thereby prompting their empathy with him. Sharing. He always illustrated his feelings by relating a short anecdote that reflected the actual situation. Giving presents. He usually ended his message (of the proposed emotional agreement) by presenting one of his tags as a gift, choosing one that bore an appropriate positive message. Boris's proposed emotional agreement was purely a business offer that was hard to resist: "You look pale, my friend. Would you like me to order you a glass of water? My name is Boris. I fly a lot, but I always feel a little dizzy before the flight, so I carry a bag of sweets with me to raise my sugar level. Would you like to try one? My uncle had a fear of heights, so he volunteered for the air force and became an ace pilot. Why don't you take one of my tags? That's how I make people smile. You can stick it Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training here on your tray." Back to the practical contract In this chapter, I focused on the formulation of the emotional agreement and the difference between such an agreement and a practical contract. We have to bear in mind that by formulating the emotional agreement and creating the sense of a safe place, we will improve our ability to formulate contracts in a more cooperative atmosphere. The emotional agreement does not contradict the goals of the practical contract. These are parallel processes that reinforce one another. Some people find it difficult to suggest a practical contract by clarifying their expectations and terms. "They are such nice people," said Jeremy. "I can't just say that I want a day off once a week for this course. They need me here." Jeremy was twenty-five and he worked in a pet shop. He had two dogs and three cats at home, and he loved animals. He felt that working in a pet shop was a kind of prize, and the owners of the shop appreciated his enthusiasm and treated him like a family member. The only problem was that his salary was very low and that he wanted to sign up for an evening course in gardening. But he was so grateful for the work that he was reluctant to ask for a raise or a day off a week to participate in the gardening course. Jeremy's problem was not unique; most people confuse practical contracts with emotional agreements. Legal contracts provoke anxiety, since they are associated with lawyers, lawsuits and courtrooms. An emotional agreement can soften this anxiety and make it easier to enter into negotiations, but sometimes it also blurs the practical contract. That is what happened to Jeremy. He was so impressed by the owners' attention and empathy that he felt that he would hurt their feelings if he brought up his expectations and terms of employment. It was not an easy task. I trained Jeremy to identify the two kinds of agreements and asked him to formulate them both and exercise them by writing them down and reciting them in front of a mirror. It took a month until he was ready to approach his employers and ask them to reconsider his contract. He presented his emotional agreement and shared his feelings and anxieties with them; then he told them Chapter 8: The fourth skill – The emotional agreement about his future plans concerning the gardening course and his salary. The emotional agreement is vital for any kind of interaction, but it need not interfere with practical interests. You should always have a practical contract ready as well: Expectations. You must present your practical expectation from the meeting. Terms and conditions. You must present the terms of the contract and be ready to discuss them with the other side until you reach an agreement. Terms of breaking the contract. A good contract always includes the possibility of ending it. Such terms will prevent confusion and will avoid negative feelings regarding the emotional agreement. One-time emotional agreements and long-term contracts strengthen one another. Who needs contracts and agreements? This long, detailed chapter might have been tiring, but I will end it by illustrating the importance of the emotional agreement for any kind of interaction by relating four events that have happened to me during the past hour, while writing this chapter. Expectations. A poet had sent me an e-mail of a copy of his poem translated into Bulgarian, a language that I cannot understand, without explaining his purpose in wanting me to read it. It took me a long time to understand that he only wanted to show off, and it frustrated me to have wasted so much time. Explanations. A psychologist whom I know replied to my weekly newsletter with only one word: "Thanks". I spent a long time corresponding with her until I understood that she had received a copy of my professional e-mail and wanted me to add her to my mailing list. I did so, but the incident left me frustrated and angry. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training Plans. My wife came in and told me that she had arranged to meet some friends at a restaurant this evening. I liked the idea, but I would have preferred her to consult with me before deciding to do it. Contract. I gave the last chapter to a professional language editor, and asked him to send me a price quote. Instead of doing so, he edited the whole chapter without marking the changes he had made. This was a waste of time, and we both emerged frustrated and disappointed. Such events happen to us many times every day. They become a habit and we learn to live with them. In actual fact, we are usually not even aware of them and do not realize how strongly they affect our mood. It is very easy to prevent such mishaps by determining simple emotional agreements. We should always be ready with a short message that includes a declaration of intent and expectations, a clear formulation of our terms and conditions, while taking into consideration the other party's needs as well. Activity: Walking and planning Physical activity has many advantages that can also benefit Emotional Training. The emotional process is part and parcel of our physical activity, and physical training may enhance Emotional Training and help you practice the emotional skills. Any kind of physical activity also has an emotional effect, since it releases serotonin and endorphins that improve your mood. You can run or swim or go to the gym. Find the physical activity that suits your needs and makes you feel good. A ritual of physical activity functions as a daily contract you make with yourself and it is a very useful way to cope with times of crisis or change. At such times I used to go to the pool and swim two kilometers a day. I am not an experienced swimmer, so this was quite difficult for me. But I persisted in doing it and my achievement made me feel that if I could cope with such a difficult task, in accordance with my emotional agreement with myself, there was nothing I could Chapter 8: The fourth skill – The emotional agreement not achieve. Walking is a physical activity that most people can perform without difficulty, and it is also very healthy. When you plan your walk, try to define your goal in terms of physical achievement. Walk as fast as you can and for as long as you can. Wear comfortable clothes and take a bottle of water with you. While you are walking, take note of the characteristics of the emotional agreement: Emotional awareness. Walking at a constant pace enables you to set aside all other activities and focus on your emotional process in the here-and-now. It helps you identify your associations and be aware of our emotional state. Walking functions as a diary that helps you document your emotional responses and manifest them while creating an emotional agreement. Common language. The constant pace also focuses your thoughts and creates a rhythmic framework for planning and formulating a specific thought. While walking you can identify and clarify the terms you use and adapt them to your purpose. By walking you can phrase a letter or an agreement, memorize it and simulate how other people will respond to it. Emotional tools. While walking, you listen to yourself with empathy, while at the same time trying to interpret your emotions. You can also think of other people and listen, metaphorically, to them with empathy. By doing so you can prepare yourself for creating an emotional agreement in an anticipated interaction. Contract and agreement. Continuous walking is your agreement with yourself. By overcoming physical difficulties and implementing the terms of your agreement, you will also improve your sense of self-confidence. Plan your walk and put it into practice every day, deciding beforehand when you will go for a walk and for how long, what route you will take, which clothes you will wear, what you will think about and what you expect from the walk emotionally and physically. The physical environment. Walking creates its own space. It takes you out of your fixed habits and everyday world to the Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training special environment in which the walk will take place. It is important to plan the route, which you can shorten or extend according to your physical capabilities. It is advisable to walk in comfortable and pleasant surroundings, and if possible in nature. Planning the physical route of your walk will also make you aware of the role played by the secure physical environment in the emotional agreement. Time management. Walking is the best way to practice time management, so it is important to fix the time for the daily walk, plan its length and return home by a designated time. Be aware of any obstacles and try to adjust the time requirements to your needs. Emotional message. Persistent walking is like a daily mantra and it sends a positive message that makes you feel better about yourself. The message is one of continuity and persistence, and it will give you a sense of control and confidence. Parallel to the ongoing interactions you have with yourself and with others, walking conveys a consistent message of emotional agreement. Chapter 9 The fifth skill: Creating a safe physical place The physical place influences our sense of safety more than anything else. We can easily create the sense of a safe place for ourselves and others by attuning a physical place to our present needs on a daily basis. Cleaning up and keeping things in order on a daily basis will help us acquire the skill of creating the sense of a safe physical space. Adam was 39 years old when we first met. He had never married, and had lived in his parent's house since they had died in a car accident a few years previously. "I'm married to my writing," he told me, smiling embarrassedly, "and I have no time for a wife or children. I've decided not to waste my time on anything that's not related to my writing, like housekeeping or having an active social life. I don't need more than one room furnished with a bed and a small desk, where I can write." He was tall and lean, and always wore jeans and a black T-shirt that he rarely washed. I vaguely remembered his novel, which I had read about ten years earlier. It had been on the best-seller list for months, and I could remember feeling dizzy while reading the fascinating narrative and trying to follow the sophisticated plot with its numerous unusual characters. "I loved your book," I told him. "Have you published anything else?" "No," he answered sadly, "and that's the reason why I've come to see you. I have writer's block, and it's killing me. I have no time or money for this therapy thing, but I know that you've published dozens of books, so I hope you know the secret." "Well," I smiled, "I've never had a bestseller like you, and I don't teach creative writing." "No!" he protested. "I don't want you to teach me how to write. I know that I'm good, and writing is my mission. But I'm stuck, and I want you to help me get past this obstacle. It's a question of life and death, since I can't live without writing, so it's really killing me." "OK," I said. "But your problem has nothing to do with writing or Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training my personal experience as an author, since for me there is no difference between writing, cooking or gardening. Writer's block is a form of anxiety, so we can try to identify its source, so that you can learn and practice how to create your own safe place for writing." "I'll do whatever you say," he replied, "as far as it helps me begin writing again. But I must warn you that writing is all I know how to do. I don't cook and I have no garden or any other hobbies. I take my work seriously, and I want to do it as well as I can." Adam was his parents' only son. They had owned a small bakery and had worked hard baking bread from early morning until late at night. They were not interested in their son's working as hard as they did, so they had never asked him to help them out at the bakery. They had no academic education and had spent all their savings sending him to the best schools and to the university. They bought him all the books he wanted, and when he told them at the age of twelve that he had decided to be a writer, no one was happier than they were. He finished his BA in literature and his MA in linguistics with honors, but refused a PhD scholarship and instead decided to dedicate all his time to writing. "Did you publish anything in literary journals or newspapers?" I asked. "No," he replied. "I didn't want to start as an amateur. I knew what I wanted to write and I wanted it to be perfect. Actually, although I had written some short stories as a child, and my parents had praised them, I knew they were not good enough, so I decided not to write anything else until I had read a lot, learned the history of literature and discovered my own voice. I started to write when I was twenty-seven, and I was petrified. I had so many stories in my head ready to be written, but I couldn't finish a single one of them." "So the writer's block was there from the start?" I wondered. "Yes, but not for long," answered Adam. "Although my professor was disappointed when I decided to leave the university to write novels, he really liked me and recommended me for a two-year writing grant at Stockholm University. So I found myself in a beautiful old castle participating in an international program designed for thirty young writers of different nationalities. Each of us had a big room with a large wooden desk, a new computer and printer and a Chapter 9: The fifth skill – Creating a safe physical place view of a green forest. Every day I would meet the other writers for lunch and dinner, and we all discussed our books or projects, sharing our work with one another. We could sign up for any course we liked at the university, and we were free to use the university's library. Once a week we held a reading session, where we could read our work or talk about it in a very supportive atmosphere. It was really great. I used to wake up early and walk for half an hour in the forest, then come back for breakfast with my friends. After that, I wrote until lunch. The food was excellent. After lunch I could go to the university or edit my morning's work, afterwards meeting my friends again for dinner. Some of the other participants were writers, but most of them were researchers who needed to complete their dissertations, so there was no literary competition between us. My work there was so organized that in the last month I managed to finish the last chapter of my novel, and upon returning home I sent it to some publishers, three of whom wanted to publish it right away. I was quite lucky." "Yes, you were," I agreed. "I don't think that you could have found better writing conditions, and you knew how to take advantage of them." "Yes," he said dreamily, "I really miss those days. The words just seemed to flow onto the page. When I came back I was busy with editing and publishing the book and dealing with public relations. That took me more than two years, and following my success, I was inundated with offers for my next book. I was delighted to sign a contract that would get me back to writing, and the publishers were willing to pay me a salary for another two years until the book was finished. I really tried my best, but it didn't work: I've been trying to write that novel for the past seven years. When my parents died, I sold the bakery and paid back the advanced payments to the publisher, which wasn't an easy thing to do. Now I'm not only suffering from the writer's block but also from the humiliation. Do you think that any other publisher will be interested in my next book after such a fiasco? Everyone knows all about it. But that isn't the main thing. I'm not writing for publishing or even for a body of readers. Writing is my raison d'etre and I feel that I mustn't betray my parents' faith in me." For a psychotherapist, Adam's last remark regarding his sense of guilt due to betraying his parents could be a gold mine. It opened up a Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training whole new field of investigation that could explain his obsession with writing, his life choices and the anxiety that led to his writer's block. But I was not interested in exploring his childhood traumas or interpreting his 'mental' processes. I knew that he was a good writer, even a very good writer. I also knew that by dedicating himself to the idea of writing years before starting to write, he had disassociated himself from most natural human activities and had not developed a number of emotional skills. By reading and listening to other people's narratives, he had honed his skills of listening and empathy and he was an expert in creating a common language. But by avoiding intimate relationships and not indulging in mundane tasks like cleaning and cooking, he had allowed some of his emotional skills to degenerate. "Let's forget about your writer's block for a while," I suggested, "and go back to the time you spent in Sweden. You were very productive during those two years. Try to imagine those days and how you felt while you were writing there." "Oh, that was the first thought that came into my mind when I started writing my second novel. I was so desperate that I decided to go there for three weeks and see if that would help me get started with my novel. I had developed a close relationship with the manager of the house, and we still correspond. When he heard about my problem, he invited me to come over for three weeks, while the house was empty for renovation, and let me stay in a small room on the first floor. I was really excited, but it didn't work. I struggled for three weeks, forcing myself to sit in front of the computer for six hours a day, but I couldn't write a word. I spent the nights talking with my friend, who acted as my therapist. Telling him about the book was really productive since it enabled me to develop the plot and understand what I wanted to say. Actually, it's a novel about a group of writers who are invited to stay in an old castle in the woods for a period of two years and write a book. The terms of the invitation were that they totally disconnect themselves from the outside world, but a minor earthquake causes some rocks to block the road to the castle and their isolation becomes a reality." "How wonderful," I exclaimed. "That literally is 'writer's block'. Is that what you're calling the book?" Chapter 9: The fifth skill – Creating a safe physical place "That would be a great idea," he smiled sadly, "but there's no book." "Untrue," I countered. "You're a writer, so you know that a book is only the result of a process. The book is in there, just waiting for you to write it. But you still haven't told me how you felt when you were in Sweden the first time, when you succeeded in writing your first book." "I tried to reproduce it," he said, "and it didn't work. I thought that being so far away from home, my parents, my familiar surroundings and my habits had made me able to write. I was wrong." "But that isn't enough," I insisted. "The setting is very important for creating our sense of a safe place, which is vital for writing or doing any other creative work. But getting away from your everyday setting is only part of the story. Tell me about your daily writing experiences there." "As I told you, I had all I needed, with nothing to divert me from my purpose. The room was simple, and there was nothing except what was necessary: a bed, bookshelves, a beautiful big desk with a new computer and printer and a window facing a green forest." We explored this physical setting together for another few sessions, until we were aware of the smallest details that had made Adam feel he was in a safe place, allowing him to focus on his writing. The room was simple and almost empty, but Adam had brought with him some of Kertesh's famous photographs of people reading books and some of his favorite volumes of poetry. Every morning he would collect some wild flowers in the woods and put them in a Chinese vase he had bought in Stockholm. He had also brought with him a small collection of CDs with his favorite string quartets that he loved to listen to before bedtime. The room was part of a complex that made Adam feel especially secure. His private space was located near a small stream in the forest and there was a small living room where he met friends in the evening, enjoying a cup of strong English tea with milk. There was also a small old coffee shop in Stockholm, where he occasionally spent the evening by himself, drinking hot chocolate from a large, blue handmade cup. I then asked him to describe his present physical space, and I Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training quickly realized that it was far from conveying the sense of a safe place. He had been living in his parents' house since they died, but he hadn't changed anything in the house. He had locked most of the doors except those leading to his old room, the living room and the kitchen. He never cleaned the house, and he limited himself to frozen microwave meals. The windows were always closed, since he wanted to block out the noise of children playing in the street. The specter of his parents permeated every corner of the house, every piece of furniture and every painting on the wall, and he was surrounded by childhood memories. Adam could not contemplate changing anything in his parents' house. I asked him to write a short story describing a venue that would enable him to write and that would resemble his room in Sweden. Surprisingly, he did not find it difficult to compose such a text, and it gave him a very positive feeling. At the next session he told me that he had decided to sell his parents' house and buy a cottage in a small mountain village near a forest. The difference in price would leave him with a significant amount of money, enough to write without economic pressures for a period of more than ten years. I didn't hear from him for more than a year, at which time he sent me his new book. The fifth emotional skill is designing a physical setting where we spend most of our time. Every detail of this setting has an influence on our sense of a safe place, and we can tailor it to meet our needs. Any space can be made more personal, private and free of extraneous noise, and suited to our individual needs. The expression, 'A man's home is his castle' expresses our need for a safe place and the importance of our homes as the main physical space in our lives. This explains why relocation is one of the major traumas in every human being's life, sometimes also being one of the most significant steps towards improving our feeling of security. We also spend time daily in other spaces outside the home – whether when working, studying or meeting other people – and such spaces can also be altered to give us a greater feeling of comfort and safety. Our need to create a safe environment causes us to expend considerable resources on making our physical space more secure. We Chapter 9: The fifth skill – Creating a safe physical place surround our homes with walls, fences and security systems; we install a security door at the entrance. We insure our house and belongings, build guard rails around the stairs and balconies and equip ourselves with fire-extinguishers and smoke detectors in case of emergency. We pay extensive taxes to the government so that it can defend the country's borders and safeguard our property. But all these efforts at preventing any intrusion into our physical setting serve to create a false sense of a safe place, since they focus on threats that interject negative images into our personal narrative. It is not always possible to create a physically safe place, and that is one of the reasons why this skill, as well as the other emotional skills, must be fostered and improved. Our concept of our homes and property as a safe place is based on the belief that we have the right to privacy. This individualistic concept has been developed and acknowledged since the eighteenth century. It is not a coincidence that I specifically refer here to personal belongings, the bed we sleep in and the manner in which we furnish our houses. Before the concept of individualism was developed and before people were aware of their right to individuality and privacy, they used to sleep together, sharing a bed with other family members, guests and servants. The individual bed only came into being in the sixteenth century, and it took some more time before it was located in a space called a 'bedroom'. The chair that enabled a person to sit on his own with clear borders between him and others was invented only in 1490. The development of furniture and personal belongings ran parallel to the emotional development of mankind, and it turned us into individual human beings who are capable of creating their own safe place. Emotional Training is a part of this development, and its purpose is to enable us to attune ourselves and our needs to these changes and our new position in the social order. The concept of individuality and the right to personal property that have been developed in the last centuries, forces us to improve our emotional skill of creating a safe physical place. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training The tendency to keep things as they are and avoid changes in our physical environment can also fail us and create a false sense of security. Although Adam had previously experienced a creative writing atmosphere, he chose to ignore the paralyzing influence of his parents' house that had led to his writers' block. He was able to get back to writing only when he succeeded in bringing to fruition the positive image of a physically safe place. The sense of such a place must be based on positive images of convenience and safety. Practicing the emotional skill of creating the sense of a physically safe place will allow us to continuously redesign our physical setting, attuning ourselves to constantly changing requirements and conditions. Practice: Designing the setting Human beings have always been in need of specific spaces that defined their territory and established its borders. Disputes regarding territory and borders have been the major source for conflicts and wars since time immemorial. When I was a child, a school desk was designated for every two children, so we used to draw a line that separated it into two private territories. In apartment buildings, conflicts are rife among neighbors regarding keeping common areas clean, controlling the noise level or minimizing inconvenience due to renovations. Countries go to war in an attempt to expand territory or gain control over energy supplies and natural resources. Like animals, human beings are very sensitive to their physical environment. We immediately respond to our physical surroundings with a sense of anxiety or safety. The more we lose control over our physical environment, the higher our level of anxiety. This explains why our sense of safety decreases when we leave home and why we resort to various means of increasing it. This is where the emotional skill of creating the sense of a safe physical place comes in. In order to identify our physical space and make it safe, we must first define its boundaries. By doing so, we affirm our individual identity and distinguish between our own territory and the rest of the world. However the need to share spaces with other people and spend time in territories that are not our own causes us to widen our territory Chapter 9: The fifth skill – Creating a safe physical place as much as possible, in various ways. What, then, constitutes a safe physical place and what are its borders? We may learn about this from the way a child who is learning how to write inscribes his name and address in his first notebook: John Berger 7 Sheffield St. Manchester United Kingdom The World The Universe Our bodies. Cognizance of our bodies is the earliest emotional awareness that engenders the sense of self. Without such emotional awareness, babies would not become aware of their own hand movements or perform voluntary acts. Such awareness, which is unique to human beings and some other mammals, enables babies to recognize themselves in a mirror. Our initial sense of anxiety or safety relates to our bodies and the imminent need to keep them safe from danger. Any unpleasant physical sensation that is aroused by physical activity or external stimuli engenders anxiety, requiring us to act in order to restore our sense of safety. Although our skin serves us as a physical boundary, we widen our borders to include the length of our outstretched arms, keeping others at a safe distance and protecting our breathing and the functioning of our senses. When someone invades this personal space, we feel threatened. Our belongings. We always keep some personal belongings around us that help us maintain and protect our bodies and cause us to feel that we are in control of our physical surrounding. Such belongings are an extension of our bodily boundaries, marking out our territory. Naturally, our first belongings are clothes and those small objects that babies hold in their hands. We feel threatened when someone touches or takes away our belongings and we make ourselves feel more Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training secure by acquiring additional ones. This explains why people proudly show off their expensive clothes, fancy cars and stateof-the-art gadgets. Actually, accumulating possessions is the sign of a high level of anxiety, whereas abstinence and a simple way of life express a high level of self-confidence. Our beds. Sleep is one of the major requirements for physical and emotional health. We spend almost a third of our lives asleep, and sleep deprivation can actually shorten our life span and bring on depression. This means that the time we spend in the bedroom is more extensive than the time spent in any other room in the house. The significance of this is that it is necessary to invest much care and thought in the design of our bedrooms, creating a comfortable, safe place where we can sleep soundly. One's bed is an indicator of his skill at creating a safe physical place. We can learn a lot by observing our beds and bedrooms and by examining whether or not they generate a safe atmosphere. A person's bed extends his physical territory, while its degree of safety is equally important in actually defending his body. Our rooms. The next extension of our bodies is our private spaces or rooms. This might be a bedroom, but in most cases bedrooms are shared with others. Babies sleep with their parents, children sleep with their siblings, and adults sleep in couples. A truly private room is a space where we can create and maintain our privacy; it is the smallest territory that we own and control outside our bodies. In such a room we can keep personal belongings and secrets. We can spend time there, away from other people's influence and control. Many people have no room of their own; in such cases they can find substitutes that provide them with a sense of privacy, like a small hidden space in the house or a quiet place in nature. It is important to create a personal room or a substitute for one, in order to mark out a small territory where we can feel safe from the world. Our house. Our first sense of a safe place is the touch of the parent who takes care of us. In the same way that our room is an extension of our bodies, a house is an extension of our parents' bodies. As children we have no home of our own, and our Chapter 9: The fifth skill – Creating a safe physical place parents' home symbolizes the sense of security provided by them. This means that as a safe place, the house is a manifestation of a certain type of relationship. To feel 'at home' means that our relationships with the other inhabitants are based on trust and confidence. Most people never have a house of their own, and they share their homes with parents, siblings, friends, partners or spouses. (Those few individuals who actually live alone regard their homes as if they were their private rooms.) To design our house to be a safe place means attuning it to the needs of other people and finding the balance between individual privacy and commitments to relationships. The practice of keeping a family home safe is the best training for acquiring life skills. Our street. While our homes define our private (personal and family) territory, the street is in the public domain. Our street may serve as an extension of our homes through cordial relationships with friends and neighbors and some control over its design and maintenance. But these relationships and influences are superficial and not obligatory, causing our sense of a safe place to be more fragile. Creating a close relationship with neighbors and becoming involved in maintaining and improving the physical appearance of our street will allow us to enhance our sense of safety and feel almost 'at home' there. However, we must keep in mind that this influence is limited, so that our sense of the street as being a safe place is also limited. Our town. Our town is an imaginary territory giving us a limited sense of a safe place that is not based on either relationships or influence. This imaginary territory is created by practicing empathy, memorizing the street map, walking through the streets, using various services and enjoying the town's advantages. Since anxiety is provoked by the unknown, the better we get to know our town, the safer and more secure we will feel. We integrate the town into our habits when walking or driving over fixed routes, by finding our preferred coffee shop, supermarket or shopping center, by going for walks in the same park or sitting on the same bench. Our town Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training may feel safer to us than other towns, but it might also provide us with a false sense of security. Our country. In order to feel safe in our own country, we expand our sense of family and develop patriotic feelings. We do this by forming imaginary bonds with millions of people who are total strangers and by using our emotional skill of creating a common language and especially the skill of empathy. Due to our obligation of loyalty to our country, we ascribe familial qualities to our relationship with our country. We refer to its physical territory in the same way as we relate to our own homes and we develop unrealistic expectations regarding the safety and security guaranteed by our government. We may create a real bond with our country through physical involvement, such as walking through its landscapes or working in its fields. In order to feel safe in our country, it is necessary to distinguish between imaginary bonds and real-world activities. Our world. Most of our world is unfamiliar to us, but we nevertheless feel a connection with it. Although 'the world' is an actual planetary entity, we identify the term 'world' with life itself. Our natural empathy, which is what makes civilization possible, enables us to relate to groups of people living in faraway countries, take an interest in what is happening across the ocean and explore faraway places. We worry about natural disasters and are aware of ecological changes. Globalization and the Internet have strengthened our feeling of connection with the world and sometimes even make us feel responsible for its safety. We refer to the world as 'the earth beneath our feet'. Its physical existence, which is becoming ever more familiar to us through advanced means of communication and information, helps us cope with the anxiety provoked by the mysteries of the universe and the idea of infinity. The body serves as the first environment that protects us, and in the course of our lives we extend it to the house, the city and the country in which we live. Chapter 9: The fifth skill – Creating a safe physical place The paradox of secure boundaries Robert had put aside part of his salary for many years until he was able to build a large house in a village, where he and his wife planned to spend their weekends after their retirement. He constructed a high wall around the house, with security cameras intended to prevent burglars from breaking into it when nobody was at home. He was surprised to find that the house was robbed even before it had been furnished. Frustrated by not finding any valuables, the burglars had smashed the sinks and defiled the living room floor. The neighbors were elderly people who lived in simple houses and had worked hard their whole lives farming the land. They informed him that burglars had never broken into any other house in the village. A wise neighbor told him that the sophisticated security system had convinced the burglars that valuables were to be found in the house. He suggested to Robert that he tear down the high fence and in its place plant shrubs like his neighbors had. He also suggested that Robert make friends with the neighbors, so that they would be prepared to keep an eye on the house. Creating a safe physical place and guarding its boundaries is the main task of our lives, and the energy we expend on it influences all our other activities and interests. This is reasonable, since a safe physical place is a precondition for our continued existence. But we must bear in mind that our resources are limited. If we invested as many physical and emotional resources developing our practical and emotional skills as we do protecting our boundaries, we would probably feel far more secure. In other words, paradoxically, by investing all our resources in securing our boundaries, we actually tend to neglect our emotional skills and increase our anxiety level. Unfortunately, anxiety-provoking situations tend to stymie our emotional skills and cause us to channel all our resources into survival. This explains why people and nations go to extremes, increasing risks and anxiety, rather than utilizing their emotional skills. Since developing the emotional skills is a slow, continuous process, one must practice them on a daily basis, not only at times of crisis. The better our emotional skills function, the more efficiently will they reduce our sense of anxiety and enable us to cope better with Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training crisis, allowing us to save our precious resources for protecting our boundaries. Developing the skill of creating a safe physical space will enable us to manage our emotional and economic resources more effectively. But first we must be able to identify places that only seem safe (and waste our emotional resources), and define what we consider to be a truly safe place. Improving the emotional skill of creating a safe physical space is more effective than investing our resources in safeguards. Identifying false physically safe places While we over-invest our resources in fortifying and defending our physical environment, we ignore our emotional skills, automatically replacing the sense of a safe place with a false one. This deludes us into thinking that our environment is safe, when in fact it does not really provide us with the security we need. The larger the investment made in such a false safe place, the more anxiety will be generated. This sets a vicious circle in motion. The greater the anxiety generated by the false safe place, the greater the investment we will make in attempting to fortify it, thereby neglecting our emotional skills even further. As our anxiety level increases, we invest even more resources in the false safe place, and so on. Antoine de Saint-Exupery exemplified this paradox in his wonderful book, The Little Prince. When the little prince meets a drunken man, he wonders about alcoholism and asks the man why he drinks. The man replies that he wants to forget, and when the little prince asks him what he wants to forget, the man replies that he wants to forget his shame at being a drunkard. Then the little prince meets a businessman who keeps collecting stars in order to get rich. When the little prince asks him why he wants to be rich, the man replies that by being rich he can buy more stars, and so on. These paradoxical stories demonstrate the unnecessary effort invested by human beings in order to satisfy their endless hunger for a false safe place. They illustrate our tendency to become addicted to Chapter 9: The fifth skill – Creating a safe physical place creating the false sense of a safe place. We can easily identify the false sense of a safe place by means of our emotional awareness, since such a place will always cause us to experience discomfort and a certain amount of anxiety. Emotional awareness helps us identify bodily inconvenience in a false safe place, where excessive safeguards replace our emotional skills. False bodily sensations The need to protect and guard our body sometimes actually leads us to damage it. In order to feel safe and secure, we need to breathe, eat, drink, cope with weather conditions and activate our bodies. But just as we are still motivated by the 'fight or flight' instinct, in spite of the fact that we are no longer threatened by lions and tigers, we have still not attuned ourselves to the age of abundance, tending to consume far more than we actually need. Food. Eating and drinking are basic survival needs. We feel safe when we have water to drink and food to eat, and our anxiety level increases when we are deprived of these commodities. From infancy on, our sense of existential anxiety is linked with our need for food and drink, so eating and drinking can help us feel less anxious. It is not surprising, therefore, that many mothers breast-feed their babies not only when they are hungry, but when they seem to need calming down. Many eating disorders are the result of traumatic anxiety. The abundance of food that is available even to the low-income population causes us to eat much more than is actually necessary. We eat quantities of food that contain ingredients damaging to our health, especially sugar and white flour. We do not eat out of hunger, but out of a desire to achieve a false sense of safety (applying positive terms to food, such as 'tasty', 'delicious' and ‘satisfying'). Paradoxically, as is illustrated by the drunken man in The Little Prince, overweight damages our Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training health and endangers our lives. It increases the very anxiety that cause us to continue overeating. Clothing. In the biblical story of Adam and Eve, clothing is associated with Original Sin, the fear of God's punishment and the shame of nakedness. Human beings wear clothes to hide their nakedness, keep their bodies warm in winter, protect them from the sun in summer and preserve their gentle and sensitive skin from harm. As civilization progressed, clothes began marking the borders of our bodies and defining our individuality. Combining clothes with ornaments such as tattoos or jewelry allows us to emphasize our uniqueness and define our boundaries. This explains why those who attempt to suppress our individuality oblige us to wear uniforms. The way we dress is the means by which we present ourselves to others and create a public image. We also sometimes use clothes as a mask that protects us and allows us to hide from others. We tend to lose sight of the original purposes of clothing and delude ourselves into believing that conforming to the dictates of the fashion industry will give us a sense of safety. In fact, this causes us to lose our identity. The fashion industry and the widespread addiction to clothes shopping create a false sense of safety that abuses our material and emotional resources. The diet industry is another indication of our adopting artificial methods of controlling overeating, rather than developing healthy eating habits. Physical activity. Physical activity is vital to our corporeal and emotional health. Human beings no longer travel by walking from place to place, and most people do not activate their muscles by engaging in physical work, as they did in former times. We are aware of the deficiency of physical activity in our everyday lives, and we try to compensate for this by integrating physical activities such as walking or gardening into our daily routine, but most of us need to make a conscious effort to do so, devoting several hours a week to working out at the gym or at home. By focusing on specific activities, for example weightlifting or running, we strengthen parts of our body but sometimes also upset its balance and cause damage to Chapter 9: The fifth skill – Creating a safe physical place ourselves. Competitive sports are another substitute for everyday physical activities, so we play tennis or squash and encourage our children to play football or basketball. While such activities create a sense of control, their competitive aspect can also provoke anxiety. Even worse, passively watching sports activities leads us to believe that we are engaging in physical activity, when in actual fact this is a fake substitute that has nothing to do with either our health or our sense of a safe place. Health care. Advances in medicine and up-to-date health services can improve and prolong our lives, and in addition enable us to become aware of our bodies, prevent illnesses and identify physical problems. But although we live longer and are healthier than previous generations, health issues provoke anxiety and lead us to resort to false health care. Instead of living healthy and natural lives that serve as preventive medicine, we respond retroactively and treat our bodies with medicines that lower our blood pressure or maintain our sugar level; we use painkillers to cope with backaches and migraines; we take psychiatric medicines to cope with stress and anxiety. We consult with medical experts and spiritual healers when we find ourselves in a health crisis. We feed ourselves with vitamins that are meant to replace natural nutrition and we integrate food additives into our diets. Although all these health interventions, substitutes and additives may be helpful in crisis situations, they create a false sense of health and increase anxiety. Excessive medical treatments, consultations and medicines have side effects that create a vicious cycle of new fears and anxiety. Sexual activity. Sexual activity is even more vital to our physical and emotional health then other physical activities. Its reproductive role is only one element of the satisfaction and sense of safety created by it. It is also a natural source of empathy that enables us to break down the walls of fear and create a sense of trust and safety. The physical pleasure derived from sexual activity, which has no substitute, is the best way to achieve physical relaxation and emotional serenity. During Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training sexual intercourse we divest ourselves and our partner of all forms of aggression or defense and achieve a powerful sense of a safe place. But whereas sexual activity, as an expression of love, is the optimal realization of the sense of a safe place, the commercialization of sexuality has turned it into a false physical activity. Substituting long-term intimate relationships with one time sexual encounters may give us a temporary sense of control and satisfaction. But since such interactions have nothing to do with true intimacy, we are left with a sense of meaninglessness. False sexuality surrounds us everywhere. The media and the advertising industry brainwash us with sexual images and stimuli that impair our natural sexual drives. False sexuality damages our relationships with others and our own bodily image, augmenting our sense of discomfort and anxiety. Compulsive habits. Rituals and habits related to our bodies help us create order and routine in the chaos of reality, giving us a sense of security. We all have our own hygiene rituals first thing in the morning or before bedtime, when we take a shower, change our clothes and brush our teeth; we have our own personal mealtime routines when we eat the same food or use the same cutlery and dishes; we have our own toilet habits, when we wake up or after meals; and we have our own ways of resting, whether by dozing on the couch, reading a newspaper or listening to music. Sometimes these habits and ceremonies become addictive to the point where we develop obsessivecompulsive behavior. This might manifest itself as compulsive cleanliness that impels us to wash our hands many times a day or as an obsessive hoarding of food and groceries. Such habits are symptoms of anxiety. We exaggerate our rituals and habits in an attempt to fight off anxiety and create a sense of safety; but paradoxically obsessive-compulsive disorders increase anxiety and create a vicious circle of compulsion. Most of our habits and rituals are not a sign of obsessive-compulsive disorder, but in many cases they do come close, taking the form of false rituals and habits that do nothing to help us cope with our natural anxiety. Chapter 9: The fifth skill – Creating a safe physical place Addictive drugs. Since olden times, people have used drugs to improve their mood and help them cope with problems and anxieties. Most people widely use legal drugs such as beer, wine or cigarettes while others regularly drink stronger alcoholic beverages. Some drugs, which may be purchased legally at the pharmacy, serve the same purpose. While these mood changers may cause no harm when used moderately, they always create a false sense of a safe place and bring us face to face with reality when their influence wears off. One can easily become addicted to such legal drugs or move on to illegal ones that cause physical damage and increase our anxiety. The culture of affluence and consumption has led us to invest excessive resources in our bodies, thus damaging it and creating a false sense of safety. False property Whereas human beings in ancient times were occupied with searching for food and acquiring the basic requirements for living, human progress has enabled us to accumulate large amounts of property and possessions that create a false sense of safety. In the past, when human efforts were focused on survival, people could easily use their five senses to identify an appropriate safe place. When human beings turned to amassing luxury goods, which by definition are not necessary for survival, they lost the ability to identify an authentic safe place. In today's world we continue to delude ourselves that property brings security. Domestic property. Sometimes a man's house does not only serve as his castle but also as a showcase in which he displays his symbols of a safe place. We need our houses to protect us from seasonal weather changes, extreme heat and cold, wind, rain and snow. We also need a house to protect ourselves, our families and our belongings from those who would do us harm. It is natural for us to relate to home as a stronghold that offers protection to us and to our belongings. We identify our homes Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training with the security that was given us by our first guardians - our parents - and we construct them to offer protection to our families and offspring. This explains why people are prepared to weigh themselves down with years of mortgage payments just to ensure that they have a secure place to live and raise their families. Since we relate to our homes as security systems, we tend to purchase houses that are larger and more expensive than we can afford. We also relate to our homes as symbols of power and security intended to impress others. We forget their main purpose and invest vast resources in decoration, furnishings and sophisticated gadgets. Paradoxically, acquiring expensive domestic property also increases the risk of losing it, thus generating a new kind of anxiety that obliges us to invest even greater resources in protecting it, and so on. When our property exceeds what is necessary to offer us protection, it can become a burden. Most people are of the opinion that if they only had more property they would feel safer. In fact, this is a false premise, since no matter how much property we acquire, it will never be enough to make us feel secure. Family property. Human beings have a longer childhood than any other animal species, and they spend almost twenty years in their parents' homes until they become independent. This long period of living with their parents makes them believe that they have a share in the family's property. Inheritance laws and the custom of leaving property to one's children strengthen this belief. People who come from wealthy families tend to feel more secure than those who come from poor families. The hope of inheriting wealth some day might increase our sense of a safe place, and it can give us hope for the future when times get rough. But such beliefs may also be misleading, since in most cases family property is not ours until we inherit it. In many cases parents use their property as a means of controlling their children, and siblings fight over inheritance rights. Sometimes trusting that we will inherit our family's property can cause disappointment and anxiety, since this is a false hope, as there are no guarantees that it will indeed one day be ours. Chapter 9: The fifth skill – Creating a safe physical place National property. National sentiments make us feel connected to a large group of people with whom we share the same culture, beliefs and interests. Such feelings are nurtured by governments through education and are intended to cause us to trust our country and feel secure. But while there is some basis for believing we will inherit from our families, national feelings create a false image of property. We feel that we are the owners of our country's lands and we are ready to fight and die for them, but in fact they are owned by a small number of people who do not share their profits with us. It makes us happy when someone discovers oil or gas in our country, even though most of the profits go to other people. We pay taxes to maintain our country, its roads and public spaces, although there is no refund when we need support in hard times. National property is always a false image, since it is not our property. 'National property' is a term that helps governments to confiscate private property for social or political goals, but never vice versa. Our taxes pay for the services we should be receiving from the government, but they give us no personal advantages regarding national property. Accumulating property creates a false sense of safety, since we must waste resources on maintaining and defending it. False settings At any given moment we might find ourselves in an environment in which we feel either safe or threatened. We can have an influence on such settings or be manipulated by them. When we relinquish the option of influencing our surroundings, we might find ourselves in a situation that promises safety while actually creating anxiety. At home. Our home seems to be the safest setting we have, but our habits might cause us to leave it untouched, without attuning it to our actual needs. A couple may have a comfortable, intimate bedroom, in which they have spent many passionate nights, but after their baby is born and shares their Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training bedroom with them, that same room no longer gives them a feeling of intimacy. Such a trivial change in the life of many couples can put a damper on their sex lives and adversely affect their intimacy. Every setting in the house has its own purpose. Our office, toilet, bathroom, kitchen and garden may serve as safe places when they are attuned to changes in our lives and our actual needs. When they are not attuned to these on a regular basis, they can become false settings provoking inconvenience and anxiety. At school. We spend many years of our lives studying in classrooms, university lecture halls and professional courses. Learning settings are pre-designed and are not attuned to our personal needs. We might feel comfortable in some learning settings, which help us feel secure and focus on the learning process, while we might find other learning settings uncomfortable and threatening, thus damaging our learning capacities. We may find that agreeing to study in such false settings can make the learning process more difficult. However, we can turn them into safe places by means of minor design changes. At work. Whereas many work cubicles look identical, impersonal and depressing, other similar spaces contain personal touches that make one feel at home. Most people spend most of their time in their workplace, a setting that can influence their sense of safety throughout their working lives. It is possible to change a depressing work setting into one with a pleasant atmosphere by attuning it to our needs and personal preferences regarding decoration and furnishings. Meeting places. Every day we meet people in venues that were deliberately chosen by us or by others or that were spontaneously decided upon. Such places are often inappropriate for a safe and secure meeting, whether at a coffee shop, at home or at work, in a building or in the open air. We always have the option of identifying false settings and improving our general feeling by moving to a quieter corner, changing the position of the chairs or introducing a private item Chapter 9: The fifth skill – Creating a safe physical place that helps us regain control, thereby creating our own limited safe place. Vacations. Although our home offers us safety, we choose to leave it once in a while and spend our vacations in a hotel or a holiday resort. We intentionally leave our safe place and spend our time in such false settings because we believe that luxury will act as a substitute for safety. But new locations and settings can be threatening, provoking stress and anxiety, despite the comforts and pleasures they offer. If we are not aware of false settings in vacation venues, we might face disappointments and anxiety. We can overcome these obstacles if we make sure to identify the false setting of vacation destinations by advance preparation. Some people gather large quantities of information before they choose the location and setting of their planned vacation, while others prefer to spend it every year at the same hotel, where they feel at home, Forced settings. Sometimes we find ourselves in certain places against our will. This happens to most children when they are compelled to attend school or to young people who are obliged to serve in the army. It also happens to us when we have to spend time in hospitals, police stations or government offices. Such forced settings are by definition false safe settings, and in most cases we are well aware of the inconvenience and anxiety aroused by them. But accepting this as inevitable is a false response in itself, thus increasing our anxiety even more. Since the sense of a safe place is the way we respond to stimuli from reality, we can control our responses and create the sense of a safe place in forced false setting in the same way that we might in any other kind of physical setting. We should create our sense of a physical safe place in any environment we find ourselves, or else we will find ourselves in false safe places that increase our anxiety. The characteristics of the physical safe place If you have continued reading up to this point, you already know that Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training the indicator of a physical safe place, like any other sense of a safe place, is a physical sense of ease and relaxation. But reality is such a conglomeration of stimuli that we cannot describe it in black-andwhite terms. Sometimes our responses to these stimulations are ambiguous and contradictory. Being aware of the various characteristics of the physical setting can help us identify our responses to any physical setting and distinguish between its threatening and safe elements. Such observations will help us cope with ambiguous feeling and restore our sense of control. Learning the special characteristics of settings that make us feel secure will also improve our skill at creating a physical safe place. The characteristics of a physical safe place represent our five physical senses: Privacy. The greater our sense of privacy, the more safety we experience in any kind of physical setting. There are settings that do not afford us any sense of privacy, for example, public areas such as train stations and street demonstrations, and there are settings that are meant to create a sense of privacy, such as our own private room, a therapist's office or a private box at the opera. One should bear in mind that a fine line separates between a sense of privacy and a sense of unenclosed space. A pair of lovers can create a private space in the middle of the street by covering themselves with a blanket, whereas our private room loses its sense of privacy when we leave the doors and windows open. Confidentiality. We feel more secure when our intimate moments are not exposed to other people. We do not want other people watching us when we are naked, changing our clothes, or making love, and we do not want them listening in on our conversations, even when they are not particularly confidential. A physical safe place protects our confidentiality. Sometimes confidentiality and privacy run parallel. Location. The sense of safety or insecurity in a physical setting depends on its location. Some people feel more secure in nature, far away from the city, while other people feel safe in an Chapter 9: The fifth skill – Creating a safe physical place urban environment. The route to a meeting place can also play a role in creating the sense of a physical safe place. A short route through a familiar location at midday will afford a greater sense of security than a long route through an unfamiliar neighborhood late at night. Sticking to more familiar locations will make us feel safer. Structure. Horror movies increase our anxiety by taking us on threatening tours of frightening buildings. Such structures are dark and unfamiliar, the doors creak, the stairs are high and unsteady and the windows are dark. Each part of any structure we choose can make us feel either comfortable or insecure: the main door, the entranceway, the floor, the back yard, the garden, the toilets, the stairs, the windows, the ceiling, the walls and the fireplace. We are also influenced by the materials from which the structure is built. A stone house has a different feel from a wooden or a metal one. Each of us prefers particular types of structures over others, and this must be considered when choosing the place in which we spend our time. Design and furniture. When we enter a room we immediately sense its atmosphere, which is actually our subjective response to its design and furniture. The atmosphere may feel secure in cases where the decor is familiar and associated with safe places, but it might feel insecure when the design is alien and cold and the furniture is dilapidated and dirty. Design and furniture express our personal taste and preferences, and we feel secure in places and settings that echo our taste. We can control these elements in our own spaces, but we cannot do so elsewhere. We must become aware of the influence of such elements and avoid spending time in places that provoke negative responses due to poor design or shoddy furnishings. Noises. We are very sensitive to noise. Loud noises irritate and frighten us, while pleasant music makes us feel good and relaxed. There are many noises that impart a feeling of insecurity in physical places, such as building noises, loud music, children playing outside, the buzzing of electric cables, blaring TV sets in neighbors' houses, traffic noises from a nearby highway, animal noises and the racket caused by electric Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training appliances. It is impossible to find a totally noiseless place, but one can say that we feel safe in places where we can hear the silence, like soft music, the sound of water (a quiet sea shore, a little stream or a fountain), the sounds of nature (tree leaves rustling in a gentle breeze, the sound of crickets chirping at night) and the sound of our children's quiet breathing as they sleep. Lighting. The amount of light influences how we see the world around us and how we experience it. We usually feel insecure in dark places and we feel threatened when we are blinded by dazzling light. We need bright light for reading and dim light for relaxation. We can control the effect of light in a room by choosing where to sit, changing our chair's angle, closing the curtains to provide shade from the sun or turning the lights on or off. View. The view seen from the window plays an important role in creating the atmosphere of any physical setting. It explains our need for 'a room with a view', or the high price we pay for houses facing the park, the sea or views of nature. While a view of industrial buildings or heavy traffic areas makes us feel uncomfortable, we feel secure when our windows afford a view of green fields or forests. The view outside the window may enhance the sense of a safe place in any setting. Comfort. The sense of touch also affects how we feel in a physical setting. We experience the touch of door handles, walls, floors or carpets, chairs, fabric covering armchairs and couches, dishes, utensils and tablecloths. Touch conveys either comfortable or unpleasant feelings. A safe place is one in which we feel comfortable. Smell and taste. In most cases we ignore the sense of smell (and the related one of taste), even though they influence our sense of safety. We are aware when a place has an unpleasant smell, for example damp or mildewed walls, but most of the time we are not aware of this. Every place has its own distinctive smell. There might be smells of sewage or garbage that make us feel uncomfortable, while food smells wafting in from neighbors' kitchens might arouse hunger or disgust. Chapter 9: The fifth skill – Creating a safe physical place Naturally we feel secure when a smell reminds us of positive memories, or in nature when we smell the sea, the forests or the fields or fresh bread baking in a nearby bakery. Being surrounded by pleasant smells makes us feel that we are in a safe place. Our five senses enable us to discern the source of pleasant or unpleasant physical feelings, identify what creates a sense of safety and move away from threatening stimuli. Creating a physical safe place When an infant is born, it is connected to the body of its mother, which plays the role of its first safe place, and may serve as the model of a safe place in years to come. This is not a perfect safe place, as it is changing all the time. It provides the infant with nutrition and warmth and protection, but sometimes it disappears. When a baby's needs are provided, it responds with pleasure and joy and experiences a sense of a safe place. When its needs are not satisfied, the baby responds with anger and anxiety, and feels threatened. The baby faces a continuous process of pleasure and frustration that forces it to attune itself to changing reality and become more independent. It learns to replace its parent's body with a familiar physical object (which Winnicott called 'a transitional object') such as a pacifier or a piece of cloth, and later a doll or a game. When children grow older, they start building houses with Lego or building blocks and later on they build houses and huts out of cushions or materials they find in the garden. They decorate and furnish their houses with small belongings until they feel 'at home', which means that they have created their own safe place. When we grow up and reach adulthood, we invest most of our resources in buying a house by taking out a long-term mortgage. While the house is the main source of the sense of a safe place, it also serves as a symbol, so we try to realize this symbol wherever we go in an attempt to make ourselves 'at home'. Achieving this requires constant practice whenever we enter a place, whether it is familiar or not. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training Basic practice The emotional skill of creating a safe physical place is based on constant ongoing practice, wherever we find ourselves. At its first stage, this practice will be slow and demanding, until it becomes habit and occurs automatically. It will be necessary to learn and memorize a long list of false safe places and the characteristics of the safe place, which I have detailed above. We will also need to become skilled in emotional awareness, enabling us to identify our needs and emotional responses in any location in which we find ourselves. Emotional awareness of the place. Look around you and be attentive to your emotional responses to the place where you find yourself. Is it a positive sense of a safe place or a negative feeling generating anxiety? Identify anything that makes you feel safe or that provokes anxiety, so that you can enhance your sense of safety and avoid anything that makes you feel anxious. If, for example, you identify, as I do, that bookshelves give a place a comfortable feel, you can use this to improve your sense of safety in other places. If, on the other hand, you identify a certain kind of music that makes you feel insecure, you had better find a way to lower the volume or move away from it. Feeling confused as a result of conflicted emotions can cause you to realize that a certain room makes you feel good, since it is familiar and reminds you of a place where you spent a lot of time in childhood, while at the same time arousing a negative response since it does not suit your present needs. Emotional awareness will help you identify if you are clinging to old habits rather than recognizing your actual needs, thus resolving the confusion. Identifying false safe places. Don't forget the list of false safe places (which you can print out and carry with you for practice purposes), and identify the traps set by habits or images that do not serve your needs and expectations. When you identify a false safe place, you can choose to avoid or alter it, improving its safety characteristics. You may find, for example, that you've planned to spend your vacation at a famous seaside hotel because your best friends have recommended it, although you Chapter 9: The fifth skill – Creating a safe physical place hate swimming in the sea. If you realize that you've only chosen that hotel because of its prestigious image, you can cancel your reservation and book a skiing vacation in the mountains instead. Awareness of the characteristics of a safe place. When you are aware of your emotional response to a place, while also identifying false images and your tendency to choose false safe places, you can become aware of the characteristics of a safe place that will help you identify its advantages and disadvantages. Again, it would be helpful to print out the list of characteristics and have it with you when you first begin practicing. After a while, this process will not take more than a moment. Tuning into changes. After you have completed these preparations, you are ready to attune yourself to natural or artificial changes in familiar places, as well as being ready to tune into new ones. It is important to identify changes in both familiar places and strange ones, so that you can recreate the sense of a safe place. There are two aspects to this tuning-in process. First, after you identify the changes or new elements in a particular place, you will be able to attune them to your needs by replacing, changing or getting rid of them. Second, you will need to adjust yourself and your habits by learning how to accept inevitable change. For example, when with age you become hard of hearing, you can turn up the sound on your TV set or acquire special earphones in consideration of family or neighbors. Adding safety features. There are no totally safe places, so despite your efforts to constantly improve and attune your place, the results will always be partial. The good news is that you can always try to improve your sense of a physically safe place by improving it further. Being aware of what a safe place should contain can help you add new features to realize this goal. You may find such features on my list or create a list of your own, continually adding elements learned from others or coming up with them yourself. For example, an art collector is made to feel secure when he can enjoy the paintings hanging on his walls. By changing the location of some paintings or adding Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training new purchases, he can get a fresh perspective on his collection and re-attune it to his needs. A rule of thumb A safe physical place is complicated, since it is composed both of constants and variables, the latter of which might be difficult to control. Actually, it is not necessary to do this. After learning to identify false safe places and practicing how to implement safety features in both permanent and temporary locations, you can use the following rules of thumb to instantly help you tune into any environment. Awareness. Use your emotional awareness and identify your positive and negative responses to the place. Choice. Trust your gut feeling. Avoid inconvenient false safe places and follow your positive intuitions. Always choose places where you feel comfortable and safe. Change. Since you cannot always find the optimal safe place, make minor changes wherever you are. Try to attune the place to your needs by adapting the setting (lighting, noise, organization) and attuning yourself to it (by finding a suitable location, changing your clothes or arranging your personal belongings around you). A permanent safe place Most people live in a permanent place, whether a room, an apartment or a house, in which they feel secure. Sometimes we own the place where we live, and sometimes we rent it. Some people live by themselves, but most of us share our space at different times in our lives with parents and siblings, partners, spouses and children. We feel secure in our permanent place, and call it home because it feels familiar and private. You can turn your house into a safe place by implementing the features of a physical safe place described here, as most of us do in the course of our lives. It is possible to construct a strong, protected house that is beautiful and comfortable and that suits our personal needs and aspirations. But Chapter 9: The fifth skill – Creating a safe physical place no matter how hard we try to create a fixed safe abode, it will never be totally permanent, since circumstances are always changing. Regarding our home as a permanent safe place turns it into a false safe place. In order to keep it truly safe, it must be constantly attuned to change. Although we constantly move around throughout our lives, it is possible to categorize five types of permanent safe places in which we spend time: The body. The body is a private territory where you spend all of your time, and you carry it around with you just as a turtle carries its shell on its back. Notice the way you mark your body's borders, and check if the messages you express by doing this reflect your needs and offer you protection. Like other animals, you mark your bodily territory by smell. Are you aware of the effect of your perfume, aftershave or deodorant on the people around you? Does it attract them or drive them away? Notice the influence of other people's odor on you, and whether it attracts or repels you. Does the way you dress express your personality or does it serve as a protective mask? How do you respond to the way other people dress? How do you feel about nutrition? Do you enjoy the food you eat? Do you only eat when you are hungry, or do you use food to comfort you or fill up time? How do you feel when you see your reflection in the mirror? Do you like what you see? Are you embarrassed by your body? How do you feel about other people's bodies, their odor, the way they dress, eat and look? You will feel better about your body if you learn to listen to its needs, avoiding anything that is bad for it and changing anything that does not serve your needs. In order to avoid unpleasantness and create a better sense of safety with other people, you can tell them how you feel about their physical presence. In the same way that you can ask people to stop blowing smoke in your face, you can tell your partner that you don't like the smell of his or her deodorant or that he or she hugs you too tightly. The more you listen to your body, the Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training more aware you will become of it, while also improving your relationships with others. At home. Although your home gives you control and is the best location for creating your safe place, it requires daily maintenance. You can design your house to be as safe as possible when moving to a new location or when renovating it every few years, either entirely or partially. Actually, you are in danger of becoming so accustomed to your house that you turn it into a false safe place. Since reality, including your own self, is changing every day, every minute, your house, including its structure and design, will cease to suit you if you do not attune it to your needs on a daily basis. First, take a piece of paper and jot down a list of features that would be found in your dream house. Take this list seriously, since the description of your dream house expresses your authentic demands for creating a safe place. Now compare the list to the house where you live, and write down all the improvements that would be required in order to transform your house into a safe place. This list will provide you with guidelines. There is no need to tear your house down and build a new one, or to invest all your savings in renovating it. All you have to do is to keep this list with you until you learn it by heart, and let it guide you whenever you move from one part of your house to another. In every room or corner, use your emotional awareness to identify your responses. Then refer to your list and choose one element that can be changed immediately. This could be fixing a window shutter or cleaning behind your desk, throwing out a broken chair, replacing a painting on the wall or deciding to varnish a cracked old door. By following your list, which is subject to review and change at any time, you will attune your house to your needs through minor daily changes, increasing your sense of control and safety. At school. Learning is our gateway to improving our potential and honing our skills in order to develop, become attuned to the demands of our culture and society and acquire the knowledge and skills that enable us to be independent. In our lifetimes, we devote a considerable amount of time to learning. For our own Chapter 9: The fifth skill – Creating a safe physical place good, we are obliged to spend about twelve years of our childhood in school. Then we choose to spend a further three to ten years at university or in professional institutions in order to specialize and acquire a profession. The learning spaces where we spend many years of our lives may not belong to us, but their location and design do have their influence on us. I remember that one of the main reasons I chose to study at the school of psychotherapy located in Regent's Park in London were the beautiful surroundings, and I did not regret it. How can you turn your learning environment into a safe place and feel secure at school or at university? Paradoxically, this may be easier to do than at home, since not being able to change the place itself, you must focus on attuning yourself to your learning environment. You can pay attention to the location of the school you choose. Don't forget that you will spend thousands of hours there and that the location is no less important than the prestige of the learning institution. It is natural for students to become accustomed to one particular seat, so try to find one that is comfortable and enables you to hear and see the lecturer, without being distracted by others. Consider which clothes and personal belongings you will take with you, as well as some intimate artifacts that will make you feel at home and food and drink that you enjoy. Find a special place where you can relax in the cafeteria or the library. Make a list that describes what you require of a learning environment as a safe place, and try to follow it until it becomes a habit. At work. Most people spend more than a third of their lifetimes at the workplace, which functions as their 'second home'. There is a very famous scene in one of Charlie Chaplin's films that takes place in an industrial workplace in which all the workers are doing the same task, like human machines, in a huge space with no private space or personal intimacy. This is the opposite of what one might call a safe place. Many employers are aware of their workers' needs, designing the workplace to be as pleasant and comfortable as possible, but it is up to you to create the sense of a safe place there. Actually, most workers do have their own space at work, and they have the choice of Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training leaving it as it is or of making it more private and intimate. This has an effect not only on the worker himself, but on anyone who enters that space. You feel differently when you enter a lawyer's office that is neutral and lacks any personal identity or one that expresses his personality through photographs of his family, a pipe collection or a coffee machine. Garage mechanics soften the harsh industrial atmosphere of their workplace by hanging erotic calendars on the walls, expressing their personal and intimate needs in a provocative way. You can decorate your workplace daily with flowers or change the atmosphere by playing your favorite music on a small CD player or by changing the position of your chair. Using the same list you have already prepared for your home, you can go over it every day until it becomes a habit. Try to be creative and invest some time daily in turning your workplace into a pleasant and comfortable environment. In familiar places. Our free time is limited, but the transition to a five-day working week has increased many people's leisure time, enabling them to spend more time in familiar places for various purposes. We like to relax or meet our friends in our favorite coffee shop or restaurant, play with our children in the same park, spend time in the library or go shopping at the same mall. We are incapable of effecting serious changes in these places, but we can still create the sense of a safe place by other means. First, we turn these places into safe places when we choose them as our permanent places of recreation. When we go to the same coffee shop every Monday afternoon, it becomes a familiar place: we always sit at our favorite table, we know where to find the restrooms and at what times of day it won't be crowded or noisy. We are acquainted with the waitress and the owner, who treat us as regular customers. You can use your list to help you find such a place, learn about it and make it familiar, but since such places are mostly public, it will be helpful to pay attention to the presence of other people and their influence on your sense of a safe place. In many cases, creating friendly relationships with local people in the park, the library, or the grocery store will also help you create the sense of a safe Chapter 9: The fifth skill – Creating a safe physical place place. You can do this by simply smiling, asking after their health or showing an interest in their personal histories. You can also employ your other emotional skills to make other people feel safe with you. A temporary safe place Try to picture in your mind a map of the main places where you spend time. In most cases, this simple map will represent your movement between your main permanent places: your home, your chief activity (workplace or learning space) and places where you do errands (offices, shops or recreational spaces). Your daily round will often bring you to temporary places a couple of times a day. It is natural to feel discomfort in such places, but here too you can come prepared and create the sense of a safe place. Everyday routine. In your constant daily routine there will always be minor variations that bring you to new and unfamiliar places. Sometimes you will find yourself in an unfamiliar room in your workplace or in your learning environment, and sometimes you will be asked to move to another workspace or classroom due to renovations or repairs. Sometimes you will go shopping at a different grocery store because your usual one is closed or you may decide to sit in a different coffee shop because your regular one is overcrowded. In such cases, you have no control over the design of these places and you have no time to prepare for the new location. So it will be necessary to improvise and make use of the knowledge you have acquired elsewhere. Immediately identify anything that makes you feel uncomfortable and search for something that makes you feel secure. Try communicating with other people and attune yourself to the new place as much as you can. Don't forget that even in places where you have no control, you can always choose to stay or to leave. Don't hesitate to minimize the length of your stay in places that do not feel safe to you. Planned meetings. In many cases, when other people invite you to meet them for business meetings or social gatherings, they choose the meeting place. In such cases, it would seem that Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training you have no control over whether or not the venue is intimidating or uncomfortable. An easy way to cope with such situations is to share your expectations of a safe place with the other party. You can simply ask to meet in a quiet place that is not too expensive or one where there are no cats, since you are allergic. By using the emotional skill of phrasing an agreement and presenting your expectations, you will also succeed in influencing the physical location of a planned meeting. Surprising circumstances. Sometimes you might find yourself in an unfamiliar place without prior preparation. This might occur when a friend arranges a surprise birthday party for you or when your car breaks down while touring in a foreign country, obliging you to take a train back to your hotel. In such cases it is worthwhile utilizing all the tools I described here, in addition to another one that may come in handy. Try to let go of all your natural resistance and consider it an adventure that can enrich your life. This is not easy to do, but you can practice it by intentionally entering places that you find threatening. If you keep exposing yourself to such places for limited periods, you will find it easier to get used to the unfamiliar without prior warning. A forced safe place Sometimes we find ourselves obliged to spend time in certain places against our will. Obviously these are the exact opposite of safe places, and they are liable to provoke anxiety and conflict. Unfortunately, such forced places are an integral part of our culture, and in most cases we accept them for what they are - false safe places - for example, while serving in the military or doing jury duty. These types of forced places give rise to cognitive dissonance, which by definition generates a sense of anxiety. But even when we are forced to be somewhere against our will, we can always create the sense of a somewhat safe place, even if it is for a limited time only. Long-term locations. In most countries laws of compulsory education stipulate that all children must attend school for up to Chapter 9: The fifth skill – Creating a safe physical place twelve years. This means that we spend most of our childhood in a place that is not of our choosing, and this explains why many children suffer throughout the learning process, which is so vital to their development. Military service often follows school; apart from its ideological and national basis, it shares certain features with imprisonment or penal servitude. Later we might find ourselves hospitalized due to accident or illness or rooming with an uncongenial roommate. A long-term stay in a place that we have not voluntarily chosen might be damaging unless we manage to create the sense of a safe place within its boundaries. In a way one might even say that we are forced to live on our planet. If you cannot change the place where you find yourself, do your best to create a temporary safe place by using the same tools necessary for making your home more secure. Take care of your bodily needs, make your bed comfortable, choose the best place to position yourself and attune yourself to changing conditions. Short-term locations. Obviously, it is necessary for us to spend some time almost daily against our will in places that we do not like. Some children do not enjoy traveling by bus to school and many employees do not enjoy having to spend time in unpleasant locations. Sometimes we feel obliged to pay regular visits to aged parents or relatives in places that are reminiscent of painful events. This might be our childhood home, a retirement facility or a hospital. Such occasions might cause you suffering, but it is also possible to achieve a more secure feeling even then. Make sure to avoid hurtful situations; bring along something that will make you feel at home, like a book to read or music to listen to on your way there and back or when you have some time to yourself. Unique locations. As free human beings, your lives are flexible and part of the time you are led by spontaneous drives. On such occasions you cannot be prepared for all the places where you might find yourself and at times you will be obliged to remain there against your will. This could happen when you drive your friends to a party and can't go home until they are ready to leave or when you find yourself on a blind date that turns out to be a Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training total disaster. On such occasions you can activate all your skills of creating the sense of a safe place, and also improve your mood by communicating with other people and being sensitive to their feelings. A physical place and relationships In this long chapter, I have referred to the many aspects of physical settings and ways in which you can make them more secure. But while up to this point I have only referred to creating the sense of a safe physical place for yourself, this is only part of your goal. Now it is time to discover and practice how to create the sense of a safe physical place for other people. Whenever we meet other people, we share a physical space with them and our interaction with them creates an emotional space reflecting what we both consider to be a safe place. Being aware of other people's needs will help you attune yourself to this emotional space and improve it. Many unpleasant situations arise due to being unaware of other people's need of a sense of safe physical place. For instance, this can occur when we ignore the special needs of disabled people, when at a dinner party we seat someone next to a guest we know he dislikes or when we invite vegetarian friends to dine at a steak house. In order to create and maintain good relationships, it is our responsibility to create the sense of a safe physical place for the people around us. The same is true at the national and international level. In many countries, ignoring the needs of minority groups to feel secure can give rise to conflicts and confrontations. Furthermore, ignoring ancient territorial claims might provoke armed conflicts between countries. Remember that expressing our concern about other people's sense of a safe place is not less important than actually doing something about it. Our intentions will only help other people feel safer with us if we take the trouble to express them. A place for children Childhood memories are often associated with a certain physical Chapter 9: The fifth skill – Creating a safe physical place location: our parents' house, our room, our backyard, our kindergarten, our school. When we go back to these places, after many years of absence, we are usually surprised by how small they really are. The huge tree we played on in childhood looks much smaller to us as adults. Houses, furniture, neighborhoods and towns look much less impressive than the way we remembered them when we were young. We meet children all the time, and we try to make them feel comfortable with us through various kinds of behaviors and habits. When approaching children, it is important to be emotionally aware of their eye level, which is much lower than ours. Our children, our friends' children or those we meet in public places or at schools or sport centers all share the same unique sense of physical vulnerability due to their small physical stature and limited strength. At many stages of their development, children love climbing onto high places and boasting: "I'm taller than you are". This is a clear message to adults, asking them not to forget how small their children really are. Approaching children. Imagine a giant the size of a threestory building leaning over you, lifting you up with his huge hands and hugging you so hard that you can hardly breathe. He then sticks his face next to yours and gives you a wet kiss, leaving behind a deposit of saliva. That is exactly how children feel when their loving relatives hug and kiss them without asking their permission. Through empathy, try tuning into their point of view, while respecting their boundaries and physical limitations. You can easily gain their trust if you approach them as close to the ground as possible, looking straight into their eyes and treating them the same way as your adult friends. If you do not wish them to feel physically abused, ask their permission before you hug or kiss them, or even sit close to them. A place for talking to children. Many adults relate to children as under-developed adults, and talk to them in a childish or superficial manner. Others ignore children's limited knowledge and talk to them as if they were adults. It is important to know how to create a common language with children, and no less Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training important to be aware of the influence of the physical setting on a dialogue with them. Due to their physical size, children perceive settings differently than you do, mainly because most spaces are designed for adults, not for children. In order to enable children to feel safe while talking to them, try to create a comfortable environment that will be adapted to their size, arrange a higher seat so that your faces will be at the same level and remove any large objects that they might find threatening. A place for raising children. Nowadays children play a central role in the lives of most families and parents devote themselves to their children, investing all their financial and emotional resources in raising them. Nevertheless many children grow up feeling that their parents have never understood them. It is not easy to raise children, and every parent makes a lot of mistakes with his or her children. A very straightforward way of creating the sense of a safe place for your children is adapting your house to their small stature. Raise the legs of your baby's bed higher so that it can feel closer to you and less intimidated by those tall creatures watching it from above. Install a low sink for kids in the bathroom and hang their towels within reach. Place a highchair near the table in the kitchen and the dining room and provide low stools in each room that they can use when they have to reach places that are beyond their reach. A place for intimacy For most of our lives, we live first with parents, then with spouses and children. The physical setting can influence the relationships we create and the level of intimacy that develops in the shared space. Intimate and close relationships with the people we love are affected by the physical features of this shared space, and we can improve them by creating a physical safe place for ourselves and others. A place for couples. In most cases when people decide to live together as a couple, one of them moves into the other's place, and only seldom do they choose a new shared living space. There are still some cultures where people remain with their Chapter 9: The fifth skill – Creating a safe physical place spouses in the homes of their extended families. Being in a loving and close relationship does not guarantee that both parties share the same needs, tastes and sense of a safe place. You can make your girlfriend or spouse feel safe when she moves in with you by removing photographs and objects related to your previous girlfriend. When you live with someone you love, it is important to express your own needs for a physical safe place, without allowing your feelings to get in the way of your personal needs. Try to identify your partner's needs and periodically suggest some change in the home that you can make together. Such shared changes will cement your relationship. A place for family. Sharing a house with extended family might be difficult and frustrating, if they are not considerate of the needs of all family members. When one of the family members owns the house, and everybody else has to accept his decisions regarding its arrangements, it might provoke hard feelings. This also happens when parents say to their children: "In your own house when you grow up, you can do as you like. Here we make the decisions." In such cases, children may be made to feel unwanted. This also is liable to occur when elderly parents move in with their children and are afraid to express their needs. If you want other family members to feel at home, you must let each of them create their own safe place, while adapting the shared spaces to the needs of all family members. A place for formal meetings Sometimes we find ourselves in a position where we have to invite other people to a formal meeting. This can occur if you hold public office or if you are a businessman or employer. It can also happen when you provide a service in your own office or when you have to meet someone to discuss a formal matter. In such cases, inviting people to meet you in your workplace or in a venue of your choice gives you an advantage over them, which you must use wisely in order to create the sense of a physical safe place for the other party. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training Meetings with clients or businessmen. When you meet clients or colleagues in your office, you are probably interested in making them feel comfortable, trusting and safe. No matter how friendly you are, if you sit in a deep, comfortable leather armchair while your clients sit on low, uncomfortable wooden chairs, it will cause them to feel intimidated. Managers who wish to foster cordial relations with clients and employees could arrange a special area in their offices for such meetings, equipped with comfortable sofas, which will make their colleagues feel comfortable and respected. Workplaces. Like everyone else, employees want their employers to honor and respect them, while also being aware of their needs. If you want workers and employees to have feelings of loyalty to your business and a sense of security at work, you must endeavor to make them feel appreciated and respected. You can do this by showing them that you care about their needs. Make their workspace as aesthetic and comfortable as you can, consulting with them about its design. You might sometimes give them even more than they ask for: a refrigerator with free soft drinks will cost you less in the long run than a workforce made up of disgruntled workers. A formal meeting. Sometimes you have to gather people together for a formal meeting, such as a tenants' assembly, a parents' day at school or an emergency meeting in times of crisis. Although such meetings always focus on a specific goal, remember that it is to your advantage to create the sense of a safe physical place for the participants. While the formal goal of the meeting might provoke anxiety or stress that can damage its outcome, a comfortable and pleasant setting might help make it run more smoothly. Help each of the participants find an appropriate chair and ask if there is anything you can do to make them feel more comfortable. A place for social meetings Some people invest much emotional energy in their social lives, while others prefer privacy and solitude, but we all take part in some types of social occasions. Human interaction plays a central role in our Chapter 9: The fifth skill – Creating a safe physical place emotional process, so we spend a significant part of our time engaging in social interactions. Our capacity for empathy lies at the foundation of our social lives and we are very sensitive to other people's expressions of emotion. We can sense other people's moods and are immediately influenced by them. We join in the merriment when people around us are laughing and we feel uncomfortable when those around us are depressed or anxious. Our empathic instinct impels us to create a safe place for the people around us in an attempt to protect them from pain and anxiety, but in most cases we do not know how to do this. The emotional skills can facilitate this task, while the skill of creating a physical safe place is the most direct way of making other people feel safe. A meeting with friends. Friends are people with whom we meet regularly, at our place or at theirs or at some other meeting place. Although we love our friends and would never deliberately harm them, confusion and hard feelings can sometimes develop. You can avoid such situations by practicing the emotional skill of creating a safe physical place for your friends. You can do this by small gestures like inviting them to sit in the most comfortable armchair when they come to visit, or by serving them their favorite kind of coffee. Be attentive to their body language and physical messages, letting them know that you are aware of any physical discomfort and ready to make them feel more comfortable and safe. Be aware of their responses to physical stimuli like light and noise and attune them to their needs and expectations. A meeting with family members. Family relationships are regarded as the primary source of support and trust, but in many cases this does not turn out quite as we would have liked. Many family conflicts are related to a lack of the sense of a physical safe place. Siblings might squabble over their parents' property before inheriting it, while parents sometimes manipulate their children through helping them finance their new home. Family meetings, whether they are routine or for special occasions, can demonstrate strong bonds and support, but can also give rise to Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training conflicts and open old wounds. When you invite family members over, they sometimes behave as if they were in their own home, and this could make you feel uncomfortable. Thus it is advisable to define the borders and boundaries of your own home or the one you share with your immediate family, at the same time exercising your skill of creating the sense of a safe physical place in order to improve your relationship. Be aware of family members' expectations and needs, and make them comfortable when you meet them. Respect their privacy and imagine that they are your friends. This will clear up any misunderstandings about the relationship. A meeting for a special event. In addition to our day-to-day meetings with friends, family members and acquaintances, we sometime invite them over on special occasions. This might be a house-warming party, a birthday or wedding anniversary, or a memorial service for a relative who has passed away. In such cases it is necessary to invest considerable energy in organizing the event, sending out invitations, decorating the venue and planning the refreshments. This can leave us with no time left for taking care of our guests' needs. In order to create the sense of a safe place for your guests, you can designate some areas to meet your guests' emotional needs. Divide between quiet and noisy spaces, create a seating area for people who prefer to engage in quiet conversation, and provide a play area for children close to their parents' watchful eye. Try to anticipate your guests' emotional needs and adjust to them according to the resources you have at your disposal. Activity: Neatness and cleanliness If you had looked into my kitchen sink when I was single, you could easily have guessed my mood. When I was beset with fear and anxiety, the sink would be full of unwashed dishes, piled up untidily and in danger of toppling over and smashing to the ground. On other days, when I was feeling safe and relaxed, the sink would be clean and empty, and the dishes would be organized on the drying rack according to a system I had devised of separating different kinds of Chapter 9: The fifth skill – Creating a safe physical place dishes in order to take up less space. The clean sink and wellorganized dishes created a sense of neatness and cleanliness, which are essential elements of a safe place. Habits of neatness and cleanliness are the simplest and most immediate manifestations of the skill of creating a safe physical place. If you maintain neatness and cleanliness, the practice of creating a physical safe place will be much easier and will soon become a permanent habit. There are many ways of practicing cleanliness and tidiness, but it is important to do it on a daily basis. This will improve your emotional training and it will also create an immediate sense of a safe physical place. You may have the option of paying someone else to do this for you, but it would be better to do it yourself. I am not suggesting that you invest all your time and energy in cleaning and tidying up your house, since as any housewife knows, that it is a never-ending job. It might be more advisable for you to choose one limited space that you could keep neat and clean on a daily basis. Neatness and cleanliness in our environment are the litmus paper that expresses our state of anxiety or safety. Neatness While serving in the army, I learned that everything is made up of three parts: our weapons, the training program and the way we were obliged to fold our blankets every morning. This simple method enables army officers to control soldiers who hail from all strata of society and give them a sense of safety. If you consider this method to be simplistic and superficial, you only have to look around you to discover how many people employ even a simpler method and divide everything into two parts. When talking, they usually say: "On the one hand, you may be right, but on the other hand you're complicating things unnecessarily", or: "First of all, I'm really glad to see you here, and second, it was so good of you to come." They use this method when presenting an argument, planning a trip abroad or instructing their children. Disorder and untidiness serve as a reminder of the chaos of reality Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training and provoke death anxiety. Our culture copes with chaos by trying to understand its structure through scientific research and by cataloguing all types of knowledge. We use many methods to put order into our everyday lives, thereby creating the sense of a safe place. Unfortunately, our culture is based on crisis theories that cause us to respond after the fact. We take care of our health only after we develop a medical problem and we clean our houses only when they are dirty. This is a shame, since we expend the same energy washing a sink full of dishes or washing every plate and cup when we finish with it. In the first instance, the sink is always full of dirty dishes, making us feel insecure, while in the second it is always clean, making us feel comfortable and safe. The main idea of Emotional Training, which involves ongoing practice of a method for living, is very effective for organizing your physical environment. This is true regarding your kitchen sink, your desk, your car or your backyard. The more you become accustomed to keeping your physical place in order, the more secure you will feel. Make a list of the everyday tasks necessary for maintaining your house and belongings, and pay attention to your neatness habits. Your bedroom. How does your bedroom look when you go to sleep? Is it clean and tidy? Did you make the bed when you get up in the morning? Do you hang up your clothes when you take them off or do you leave them lying around? Do you lay out the clothes you will put on the next day before you go to sleep? Your kitchen. How does your kitchen look in the morning? Are there dishes on the table and in the sink? How does it look before you go to bed? Do you know where all the kitchenware is located in the cupboards and on the shelves? Do you have a system for organizing kitchenware and foodstuffs? Your bathroom. How does it smell? Do you clean the lavatory after using it? Are the towels always clean? Are there dirty clothes on the floor? Where do you keep your toothbrush and toothpaste, soap, medicines? How does your bathroom make you feel? Chapter 9: The fifth skill – Creating a safe physical place Your desk. Take a look at your desk. Do you need all the stuff that you keep piled up on it? Do you have sufficient workspace? How do you organize your papers and documents? Where do you keep your stationary? Is your desk ready for you when you need it? Your clothes. Where do you keep your clothes? Can you always find them when you need them? Are they all in use or do you hang onto old clothes that you never wear anymore? Do you spend needless time searching for a pair of socks? Where do you keep your summer and winter clothes? Your balcony, garden or backyard. In most houses there are spaces that do not serve their original purpose. Is your balcony clean and ready for you to sit out there reading a book; or is it full of old furniture that you plan to throw away one day? Do you work in your garden and keep it flourishing or do you just cut down the vegetation when it completely blocks the path? Is your backyard available for use or have you turned it into a waste dump? Your storeroom. Every house has a storeroom, an attic, a basement or just a small area for storing tools, a lawn-mower, food reserves or a sewing machine. Do you use your storeroom? Is it convenient? Is it filled with old furniture or appliances that you will never use again? Is it clean and tidy? You can add more specific tasks related to the unique structure of your house. Choose one of the locations in your house and define a task. You can choose to deal with your kitchen, your desk or any other part of your house (or your office, car, etc.). If you've always waited until things got really untidy before you put things in order, forget the past and try to make a change by doing things differently. However, if you have tried in the past to constantly put your environment in order, try to remember how you did it and what made you stop. There are many methods of keeping things in order on a daily basis. You can analyze your behavior and find out what method you use to organize your things, and you can also observe other people and learn how they do this. You are bound to employ some method or other, but it is important to review this constantly and improve the Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training way you do it, trying to adapt it to the current situation. Your first task will be to practice keeping things in order on a regular basis. Don't begin any other activity until you complete this one. But you have no need to worry. If you do it continuously, your living space will never become untidy, and you will only need to expend a minimum of effort to keep things in order. If your task is keeping your desk tidy, this should be done whenever you use it. Do not do anything else until it is tidy. From time to time you can change your method. For example, if you always have a lot of documents and papers on your desk, you can place a filing cabinet next to your desk, organizing all your current documents in a special file when you finish working and reviewing them before you begin working the next time. In a short time this procedure will become a habit, and you will save a lot of time and feel better about working at your desk. When you have assimilated the habit of keeping your desk tidy, choose another task, and so on, until your environment is tidy most of the time. This habit will make you more attentive to your surroundings and more attuned to minor changes in reality. Tips for beginners Sometimes, when you are used to living in a disorganized mess, it is hard to begin keeping things orderly. A simple method that can help you get started would be to take anything that is not in its place and put it in a box, a suitcase, a bag or even a large unused bed sheet. This will help you clear away anything that is taking up space, until the place looks tidy. It will also oblige you to find some time to arrange all the things you put in the box. Otherwise, you will never find them again. Another piece of practical advice would be to throw away anything that is superfluous. We tend to waste a tremendous amount of space on unnecessary things. So don't store them or keep them around the house. Just get rid of them. Keeping neatness and order in the environment where we live and work is the most simple and effective way to practice creating a safe physical place. Chapter 9: The fifth skill – Creating a safe physical place Cleanliness We intuitively experience clean places as being safe, while feeling uncomfortable in dirty locations. This seems self-explanatory, but there are always other things that occupy our time, so in most cases we only clean up our environment when it gets really messy, and this makes us feel insecure. Cleaning is a therapeutic activity, and in times of stress and anxiety it can help you restore your sense of control and create the sense of a safe place. Practicing constant and continuous cleaning of our environment (our house, our office, our car and our garden) will also improve our practice of Emotional Training. Practicing cleaning is similar to practicing keeping things in order. You can start by cleaning your kitchen, afterwards adding your study, your bedroom, your bathroom, and so on. Cleaning on a daily basis takes less effort than waiting until the place is filthy. Practice cleaning, even if you pay someone else to clean your house. Take care of the everyday cleaning yourself, while leaving only the heavy jobs for the cleaner. Acquiring the skill of ongoing cleaning will cause you to be more attentive to your environment, thus improving your skills of tuning into reality. Keeping our environment clean is actually a preventative medicine that strengthens our emotional immune system. The trap of spring cleaning "My house looks like a garbage site," said Guy. "The dogs sleep everywhere and scatter around anything that gets in their way. I haven't cleaned the house for more than two months, and finding a shirt has become an impossible mission. You should see my kitchen. If not for the smell of the dogs, I could say that it stank. I know that I promised you to practice cleaning and arranging my stuff every morning before I leave for work, but you don't know what pressure I'm under in the morning, when I have to walk the dogs and arrive in time for my lift. I just can't wake up earlier. But this is it. I‘ve decided not to go anywhere next weekend, until I do a thorough spring Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training cleaning. You'll be proud of me." Guy was a bright programmer in a new start-up company and his life was dedicated to his work. He was a perfectionist, and he never returned home before completing his work for the day. But his ideal of perfection served him only in his profession and prevented him from engaging in any other activity. His social life was reduced to weekends, when he visited his aged parents and met up with his high school friends, who had unsuccessfully been trying to find him a girlfriend. But his demands of himself and of any future partner were impossibly high, so he did not believe that he would be able to find a mate and have a family of his own. I was not impressed by his promise to spring clean his apartment that weekend, and I did not think it would make me proud of him. For him, cleanliness and neatness was something that lay in the future to be done perfectly, like his work activities. But his perfectionism prevented him from living in a clean house or creating an intimate relationship. The idea of 'spring cleaning' contradicts the basic assumptions of Emotional Training. The world in which we live is changing all the time and we have to attune ourselves to these changes. The world will never be 'organized' or 'clean' to perfection. If we look at a photograph of a beautiful landscape and observe it closely, we might discover a unique symmetry and beauty, but we will also find rotten leaves, broken branches, dust and bugs. Whoever is used to doing 'spring cleaning' at home knows that its effects will disappear within a short time and that our habits are stronger than any attempt to freeze-frame a picture reflecting perfect order. The idea of 'spring cleaning' is part and parcel of those 'crisis theories' that rule our lives. We go to the family doctor only after we fall ill, we service our cars only when they break down and we clean our houses only when they are dirty, generally delaying this until a special event like 'spring cleaning'. 'Spring cleaning' is false cleaning, and if you think that afterwards it will be easy to keep your house clean, you are mistaken. Neatness and cleanliness are not important in themselves, but as a way of life that helps you create an ongoing sense of control in your environment. Thus, cleaning and keeping order are more important than their Chapter 9: The fifth skill – Creating a safe physical place outcome, which will never be perfect. Avoid 'spring cleaning' and periodic organizing. In order to live in a relatively clean and organized place, one must acquire regular habits of neatness and cleanliness. You can start doing this right now, and you don't need to wait for a special event. At any time and place, you should make little changes by cleaning and putting things in place. As long as you do this, it will become automatic and influence all your other activities. Do not give up the habit of keeping things neat and clean even in times of stress, or when the mess and dirt overwhelms you. Keep on doing it in stressed situations, even if the result is insignificant. Holding onto habits of cleanliness and neatness in such situations will increase your sense of control and safety and reduce stress. Practicing neatness and cleanliness, like practicing all the other emotional skills, is not a task that can be achieved perfectly, but a way of life that must be practiced all the time. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training Chapter 10 The sixth skill: Time management Time is our most precious asset, but we do not know how to control it and are consequently beset by stress that damages our health and shortens our lives. Our lives consist of successive small time units, and we can plan for the short or long term, thereby controlling the time management of our lives. By practicing the emotional skill of time management, we can avoid pressures, give meaning to our lives and create the sense of a safe place. The performing arts, especially performing music, are the best method of practicing time management. When she first called me, Gabrielle was tense and impatient. She wouldn't tell me why she wanted to see me, but insisted on meeting me as soon as possible. I asked her if she wanted to see me for a single consultation, but she asked to begin a series of weekly sessions. "We can meet next Thursday at five o'clock," I suggested. "Why not this Thursday?" she asked, talking very quickly and determinedly, like a willful customer. "Because that slot will only be vacant next week," I replied, "and I have no other fixed time for you." "But I have to meet you this week," she insisted. "Can't you find an available hour for me?" "What's so urgent?" I asked. "Why don't you tell me about it?" "No," she almost whispered. "I'll tell you about it when we meet. I can't talk about it on the phone." "I see," I said. "If it's an emergency, I'll meet you during my free time, at nine o'clock Wednesday evening." She thanked me and I gave her the full address. Two hours before the meeting, she called again. "I'm not sure that I can get there on time," she said. "Can you move my appointment to nine-thirty?" Usually I am quite flexible with my clients, but this time I felt uncomfortable, and I listened to my own emotional response. Gabrielle knew that I had kept this evening hour for her outside my Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training working schedule, but had nevertheless called and asked me to adjust my private plans yet again at the last minute. "I've reserved this hour especially for you," I said, "and it's too late to change it now. I'll be waiting for you at nine o'clock." She tried to plead with me to change the time, but I insisted, and eventually she promised to try and arrive on time. Usually I prepare myself for my clients for half an hour or an hour before a meeting. I relax my body, let go of my personal concerns and focus on the expected client. But this time I couldn't do this, since the bell rang at eight-thirty, and when I opened the door, Gabrielle was standing there. "You were so stressed that I decided to come a little earlier," she said when she saw my surprised expression. I invited her into my office, and dedicated the first ten minutes of our session to discussing the importance of time boundaries in a relationship. I told her that our fifty minutes had to begin and end at a designated time, in order to create a sense of trust and a safe place for both of us. She seemed to understand this and promised to be punctual for the next sessions. But when I finished the meeting fifty minutes later, she was irritated. "But it was so short," she said, "and I didn't even start telling you the whole story." "You can do that at the next meeting," I said when I stood up to show her to the door. "But you planned to stay here for another half an hour, and since I came early we don't have to stop now," she tried to bargain. "You've paid me for fifty minutes," I said, "and that will be the length of our meetings. You may prepare yourself in advance, so that you can use the time more efficiently. But if I agree to deviate from our boundaries, after being so strict about them, you will not trust me anymore. I will see you at five o'clock next Thursday afternoon, at the exact time." She was ten minutes late for the next session. "You probably hate me," she said, breathing heavily, "but I really tried to get here on time. Just before I left home a close friend of mine, who recently got divorced, called me and I had to talk to her. I promise it won't happen again." "I don't hate you," I said. "It's your time, and I'm here for you. You Chapter 10: The sixth skill – Time management may sit quietly or arrive late or use this time in any other way you like. I, of course, will be glad if we spend this time effectively, but it's your choice." "Does that mean that we can't make it a little longer today?" she asked, sadly. "You know that less than fifty minutes won't be enough time." "No," I said, "our time is fixed and we've agreed on it. And this is also true of life. I also sometimes feel as you do, that I have too many things to do and that life is too short to accomplish all of them. But I know that I have to accept this and manage my time as well and effectively as I can. Sometimes I succeed, and sometimes I don't." "Well," she sighed, "that's exactly what I wanted to talk about." I thought I knew what she meant, but in the next session she surprised me. "I can't come," she said. "What?" I couldn't hide my surprised expression. "I'm not coming," she said again, resolutely. "I can't reach orgasm," she explained, realizing that I was still wordless. "I hope that I'm not shocking you," she stared into my eyes, "but I thought that here I can say whatever comes into my mind." "You can certainly say whatever you like," I cleared my throat while answering her, "but I admit that I had not expected this. In your first phone call you asked me to meet you urgently, without any explanation, and now I really don't see what was so urgent. You know that I'm not a sex therapist or a sexologist." "Don't think that I haven't tried them already," she snapped. "I met a sexologist, but she couldn't understand why I had turned to her. She tried to calm me down by telling me that most women don't have orgasms, and that I should learn how to do that by myself, as she did. Then she suggested some courses to improve my sexuality and recommended a few books, as well as couples' therapy. But when I told her that I have wonderful relationship with my husband, and that we have great sex, including games and variations which please us, she gave up. So I thought that maybe you might have a better idea." Gabrielle was fifty-one, but she looked younger. Her long, brown hair was gathered with a cotton ribbon, like a teenager, and her light makeup emphasized her big grey eyes and high cheekbones. She was Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training wearing a stylish suit which was not too formal, causing her to resemble a combination of a businesswoman and a creative artist. I was not surprised when she told me about her successful art gallery, where she represented some famous artists. She had opened the gallery thirty years earlier, when her children were born, so that she would be able to develop her own career without being committed to working for someone else. Her husband was an assistant director of a big investment house and spent most of his time at business meetings and flights abroad. But although he spent so much time outside the home, or maybe because of it, their relationship was very close, and even now they exchanged phone calls two or three times a day, and consulted one another about everything that happened in their lives. Their children had lived with them in their big house until recently, when they had finished their Masters' degrees and left home. Her son was doing his PhD in the United States, and her daughter was married and living in Eastern Europe with her husband, who served as a diplomatic consul. Now she found herself alone in the big house, with none of the family commitments she had been accustomed to for almost thirty years, so she had a lot of free time. "That's great," I said. "Many people dream of being in your situation." "I know," she agreed. "I also think, from time to time, that I couldn't ask for more than that. I'm really lucky. And don't think that I don't appreciate it or that I am bored and don't know what to do with myself. The sexologist tried to diagnose me as being in a mid-life crisis or something like that, but that's bullshit. You know what? Now, when I really have all the time in the world and can do whatever I want, without asking anyone's permission, I have even less time. I'm still busy with my gallery, meeting with artists and customers, going abroad, and in my free time I meet friends, volunteer for a few organizations and am busy renovating my house. I even planned to take an Open University course, but I couldn't even find the time to submit the application forms. So, free time is definitely not my problem." "Can you define the main goal that motivates you in your life?" I tried a different direction. "In flowery language I would ask, what is your mission in life?" Chapter 10: The sixth skill – Time management "And how is that connected with fucking?" she retorted aggressively. "I thought that I had spelled out why I came to see you. I'm not interested in a spiritual experience or in finding my mission and I've got no time for philosophical discussions." "I told you at our first meeting that I'm not a sexologist," I answered quietly. "But I feel that you're not ready for the process that I suggest and that you want to get directly to the bottom line and finish with it. Is it the same in your sex life? Do you prefer to have an orgasm without foreplay?" "Do you know what?" she pondered for a while, "I never looked at it that way. Lately I've really had little patience for flirting and petting, although I did enjoy it before, and I am focused on trying to have an orgasm. Do you think that I'm tripping myself up?" "I guess you are, but maybe that solution is too simplistic. Why don't you tell me what motivates you in your life? What do you think about when you wake up in the morning?" "As I told you," she said, "I'm free now, and I enjoy every minute of my time. This is a new situation for me, and I try to enjoy the fact that I'm not committed to anyone and that I don't have to prove anything to anyone anymore. Until two months ago, when the children left home, they were the center of my life, and even when they were studying at the university, I organized my schedule parallel to their needs. I made them breakfast, kept the house clean, took care of their laundry and was always ready to talk to them about their courses and work and friends. They knew they could find me whenever they needed me. At the same time, I had to prove to the whole world that I was an independent woman, that I had my own career and that I had made a success of it. I was also like a mother to my artists, who could call me in the middle of the night. Now all that is behind me, and I can breathe easily and do whatever I like." "And what do you like doing?" "What?" she was confused for a moment. "I've already told you. I'm happy not to plan anything, just to be freed of all my previous commitments and of trying to impress other people, maybe even myself." I asked her to describe what her daily schedule had been like for the past thirty years, and I discovered that she never planned her Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training schedule and always adapted herself to the needs of others. She was always there for her children, 'her' artists, and never knew when she would meet her husband, who was busy most of the time. "So you've never managed your time," I guessed. "Time management is one of the most important emotional skills that enable us to create the sense of a safe place. Without it we will always experience anxiety. Will you let me have a guess?" "Yes," she smiled suspiciously. "I remember your first phone call, and our first encounter. You tried again and again to bargain about the time of the meeting, and then you tried to change the time, arriving half an hour earlier, and then you were late to the next session. It wasn't hard for me to figure out that you were trying to control time in order to feel more secure in such a confusing interaction with a stranger. Is that how you also used to control your time at home, with your children, your husband and your customers?" "Now you see why I came to you?" she burst in laughter. "I knew that you would understand. At home they laugh at me and use the term 'mother's time'. That means that if we have to go out at five o'clock mother's time, we never get out before five-thirty or six. My husband is aware of it, so he always asks me to be ready an hour before we have to go anywhere. But I don't do that with my customers. I'm too responsible for that." "It may sound funny," I said, "but although you've compensated for not controlling time, it seems as if it hasn't been easy to live like that for so many years. I can understand why you feel so relaxed now that you have all your time for yourself." "Not all the time," she corrected me. "My husband still works night and day, and wants me to wait for him until he comes home. But yes, it is more relaxing." "But this kind of freedom brings you back to square one," I continued, "to a situation in which you don't know how to manage your time. It's not surprising that although you have no commitments, you still feel that your day is so full that you still have no control over time. Are you surprised that you don't reach orgasm? You know that during orgasm we have the ability to let go all kinds of control, while feeling secure with our partner. But for you this is the only place Chapter 10: The sixth skill – Time management where you are still in control, and you pay for it by depriving yourself of orgasm." "So you're telling me that I choose to give up orgasm just to be in control" she said, frustrated. "It is, of course, an unconscious choice, but it is possible. Time is your most valuable asset, so when you give up control over time management, you're actually giving up life. Defining goals and missions has nothing to do with philosophy, but involves the way we manage our time, which is our most important asset. If you don't deal with time, your emotional system will remind you of it in various ways, through a lack of orgasm, for example." In the following sessions we practiced time management together like a military operation. She enjoyed it as much as a young girl who had discovered a new game. She planned her targets, drew up schedules and learned to adapt all her activities to her requirements, while considering the needs of other people. Two months later she decided not to work from home any more, but to start up a partnership with a gallery in New York, so that she could meet regularly with her American artists and also be closer to her son. She did not mention her problem reaching orgasm any more, and from time to time I would receive catalogues from new exhibitions at her gallery. The sixth emotional skill is managing time, from the moment we open our eyes in the morning until we close them at night. The way we manage our time, plan our schedule and coordinate with other people's time influences our sense of a safe place and enables us to improve it every minute. By managing time we feel that we have control over our lives, and without it we lose a sense of safety and increase death anxiety. Time management does not mean that we actually control time, but that we attune ourselves to the way the world functions around us. The better we attune our time to reality, the more our sense of control and safety will increase. Time is the most important aspect of our lives, since it is a precondition of life itself, which is measured in time from the moment we are born to the day we die. The way we manage our time often reflects our attitude towards death and our level of death anxiety. Paradoxically, death anxiety disrupts time management, causing us to Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training exaggerate our control of time or to ignore it. In order to improve our emotional skill of time management, we must attune ourselves to the manifestations of time in the world around us, and exploit the sense of safety that the constant time shifts in nature offer us. Time management actually means determining our priorities and then adjusting the time and effort we invest in various tasks according to them. Usually this is something that we neglect to do, and this becomes a source of frustration and anxiety. You can verify this through a simple experiment. Take a sheet of paper and list the ten most important elements in your life in order of priority: the people you love, your occupation, goals, plans, hobbies and anything else in which you invest time. Now rearrange the list according to the amount of time you invest in each area. There is a slim chance that the two lists will be identical or even similar. We often postpone the most important things for later, until we retire, go on vacation or until some indeterminate time in the future. To the extent that the gap between the two lists widens, our anxiety level and sense of dissatisfaction will also increase. An efficient use of the skill of time management enables us to regularly attune our list of priorities to our actual experience. Happiness, which is the highest level of the sense of a safe place, is only possible when the two lists are identical. Managing the time in our lives is the emotional skill that enables us to adjust our list of priorities to what we actually do. Such an adjustment creates a sense of satisfaction and happiness. Practice: Time management The phrase 'time management' might seem like a technical term related to the field of business or management, but it is actually an emotional skill that has a central influence on the way we manage our lives. The better we control our time, the safer and freer we will feel. This simple fact is not self-explanatory, therefore time management is not regarded as one of the chief human values. The Chapter 10: The sixth skill – Time management various definitions of human rights refer to the right to own property, the right of privacy, freedom of speech and thought and the right to free movement, but there is no reference to our right to control our time. This might explain the discrepancy between the two lists – the one being that of our most important values and the other of our actual activities. Disregard for the value of time and our capacity to manage it and attune it to our needs explains massive wastes of time in various aspects of our lives. For example, we invest many years working at a job that does not satisfy us or studies that do not interest us, and we spend too much time with people who bore us or do not contribute anything to our lives. Slavery was officially abolished a hundred and fifty years ago, in accordance with the ideals of democracy and human rights. But while democracy is based mainly on the right to own property, another aspect of slavery has been neglected: the right to manage our own time. To date only a few individuals manage time according to their value system, and almost all of us are enslaved to values that abolish our right to manage time. We prefer material success, a career, social integration and political and cultural adaptation. The disregard for time management is so extreme that we replace it with new concepts that distort its original meaning, such as 'recreational activities' or 'quality time', and practically give up most of our private time, namely our lives. When we spend time doing something that is not really satisfying, or when we do not have enough time to realize our needs, we experience a sense of stress, which is one of the central characteristics of contemporary life. Stress increases the risk of heart attacks, which are the main cause of death in adults. The disregard for time management thus actually shortens our lives. For some reason, although we are aware of the link between stress and the risk of heart attacks, most methods of coping with stress ignore its main cause, which is loss of control over time. By means of a simple Google search, you can find many techniques for coping with stress: relaxation, breathing exercises, emotional control, physical activity, guided imagery and drug treatment. All of these techniques will help you reduce stress and pressure, but they will not prevent Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training them. Disregarding the main cause of stress, which is a lack of efficient time management, is a sure recipe for continued stress. Time management means attuning our activities at any moment to the highest level of our value system, in accordance with real-world conditions. Correct management of time in any interaction with ourselves, with others and with reality, in addition to adapting our activities to our list of priorities, will make us feel safe and secure. If we do not control our time, our sense of anxiety and stress will increase; therefore, time management requires preparation. This includes becoming aware of our value system and our list of priorities and constantly exploring the world around us. It also means that we need to determine our position by formulating an emotional agreement. Our value system and list of priorities. We always act according to a list of priorities that represents our value system, but sometimes we are not aware of it. Our value system is often the result of habit and accidental choices, of changing needs and interests, so that our values might contradict one another and be unsuitable to our present needs. Efficient time management requires that we identify and redefine our value system, compare it with our list of priorities and continually adjust it to our present needs. Continuous exploration of reality. In order to adjust our activities to our list of priorities, it is necessary to constantly identify reality and the circumstances surrounding us. Our capacity for identifying reality is limited and changes as we develop personal skills. We should be aware of changes in ourselves and continually try to understand reality in order to identify our limitations and our options for acting accordingly. Formulating an emotional agreement. The emotional agreement actually defines our goals and expectations in any interaction with ourselves, with others and with the world around us. If we do not redefine our goals and expectations and the conditions for each interaction, and attune them to our new list of priorities and to the limitations of reality, our emotional Chapter 10: The sixth skill – Time management system will react automatically according to data that are not appropriate for the situation at hand. The process of time management may be demonstrated through a vignette from the life of Oswald, a young intern in a big law firm. Oswald is about to meet David Stark, a senior partner in his office, at the completion of his internship. During his internship Oswald worked in the prestigious criminal defense department and also gained experience in civil litigation, real estate and trademarks and patents. Without any preparation regarding time management, the meeting would go like this: When Oswald enters David Stark's room (Stark is also a wellknown law professor), Stark will rise and shake his hand warmly. Then he will invite him to sit at the coffee corner, offer him a drink and tell him that they are very satisfied with him and want him to join the firm as a junior partner. Oswald will be excited to hear that he is the only candidate who has been chosen to join the small criminal defense team, which represents businessmen and politicians, a team that is constantly being interviewed by the media. He will leave the meeting feeling that he has fulfilled the fondest dream of his parents, who had worked hard to finance his studies. He cannot explain a slight unpleasant feeling that will also accompany him in the future. The same meeting would proceed differently after time management preparation: When Oswald enters David Stark's room (Stark is also a wellknown law professor), Stark will rise and shake Oswald's hand warmly. Then he will invite him to sit at the coffee corner, offer him a drink and tell him that they are very satisfied with him and that they want him to join the firm as a junior partner. When Professor Stark tells him that he is the only candidate who has been chosen to join the small prestigious criminal defense team, a position that is coveted by all the interns, Oswald will thank him and tell him that he would prefer to stay in the trademark and patents division. He will tell the senior partner that he finished law school with distinction to gratify his parents, who always dreamed that their son would be a lawyer. Oswald had wanted to be a scientist and he believes that working with patents will suit him far better, as it will enable him to keep working Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training as a lawyer without giving up his real field of interest and true mission. In almost every daily interaction, we can choose between pleasing other people, adapting ourselves to ideas and images that are not ours, and paying attention to our authentic needs and attempting to utilize our talents to achieve our chosen destiny. A minimal investment in making the correct choice will determine if we live out our lives experiencing stress and dissatisfaction or enjoying a feeling of safety and well-being, i.e., happiness. The gap between these two scenarios can be bridged by continual practice of the skill of time management. Time management generally involves focusing on any particular interaction with the aim of creating a sense of security at any moment in our lives. But sometimes, as in the case of Oswald, by focusing on the actual interaction we can also become aware of the basic and essential needs that influence our life choices. Continual awareness of our values and our mission is a precondition for effective time management. The paradoxes of time management It is not coincidental that we tend to neglect the emotional skill of time management. Paradoxically, what makes time management vital in creating the sense of a safe place is also what arouses resistance, leading us to ignore this emotional skill. Our time perception is one aspect of our cognitive competence, which allows us to interpret reality, and it is always subjective. To the degree that our narrative does not accurately describe reality, thus obliging us to attune it constantly to changes in the world, so will our time perception not reflect actual time processes. It will only enable us to create a model that can help us realize our capacities more efficiently on condition that we continuously attune it to reality. In order to accomplish this, it is necessary for us to distinguish between the unique time perception that characterizes us as human beings and the actual characteristics of time. Our time perception, the way in which we conceptualize processes in reality, is based on three time dimensions: past time, present time and future time. These three Chapter 10: The sixth skill – Time management dimensions are part of a fictional description of reality that is based on the way we interpret reality or even invent it. Past time is a collection of recollections that subjectively documents only a tiny part of reality, according to the limitations of any individual's memory. Future time is in fact a fictional entity that incorporates dreams, expectations, hopes, plans and fears regarding events that do not yet, and may never, exist. The concept of present time is a false one, since we cannot experience reality while it is occurring, but only after a suspended period between the instant we receive stimuli from reality (through our senses) until we decode these stimuli through our emotional process and respond to them. Actually, what we call 'present time' always refers to the recent past, or sometimes to the near future, since it usually includes our plans and expectations. Thus, when we walk through the town speaking with a friend on our mobile, saying: "Hi, John. I'm just passing that coffee shop where we met yesterday, and I'm going to see a movie," we should actually say "Hi, John. I just passed the coffee shop where we met yesterday, and I will soon go to see a movie." We use the first version, in the present tense, to make clear that the two parts of the sentence, one in the past and the other in the future, take place in proximity, which means in the recent past or the near future. In reality, there is no past and no future, and everything exists only in the present, for a brief moment. Reality has no interest in the past or the future. It just exists. Actually, we cannot even say that reality exists, since every minute there is a new reality, different from any other. Reality as it is, just a separate moment in the present, is meaningless for us, and time perception is needed to give it meaning and allow us to understand a sequence of unique events and create a narrative that represents it. We do this through our special time perception that relates to events that do not exist anymore or do not yet exist as part of a plot that happens in three virtually non-existent time frames. Our capacity to tell a story that is based on three kinds of time enables us to orient ourselves to reality, learn from past experience and predict events that are still to occur. This human ability is expressed in scientific achievements and the creative arts, and it imparts a feeling of security. But this very ability that enables us to Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training develop faster than other living creature also leads us to invest most of our resources in the past and in the future, totally ignoring the present. Paradoxically, the more control we exercise over the past (writing history, collecting memories, purchasing souvenirs, building museums) or the future (making plans, developing dreams and expectations, investing in future profits, taking loans and paying by credit card), the less successful we will be at controlling the present. Thus, although we feel secure regarding our past and our future, this is often a false security that makes it difficult to cope with present anxiety. Reality is a succession of tiny time units passing rapidly, which we call the 'present', and which we cannot identify when they occur. A preoccupation with the past and the future creates a false sense of time management that reduces our ability to attune ourselves to reality. Our emotional process enables us to connect our fictional pastfuture with our imperceptible present-future by processing the data that we continually receive from reality and creating a narrative that leads us to respond. This is a never-ending process - taking place every minute of our lives - of perceiving present time by processing data from reality. A reverse process occurs when we dream. In effect, we can only truly experience the present while dreaming, since dreams always occur in the present. Freud grasped this phenomenon intuitively, without deciphering its meaning. In his book, The Interpretation of Dreams, he related his own dreams in the present tense. Even nowadays there are psychoanalysts who ask their patients to describe their dreams in the present tense in order to preserve the dream-like sensation. This unique experience of present time leads many people to believe that dreams contain a mystical meaning or that they reflect the past or predict future events. However, the reason for this unique sense of present time is much simpler. Dreams are the residue of all the data we receive from reality during the day, and they only reflect all the waste material and impossible juxtapositions that cannot be integrated into our personal Chapter 10: The sixth skill – Time management narratives. We cannot store the huge amount of data that we receive from reality during the day, so we dispose of some of it by dreaming. As well as receiving stimuli from reality as a reflection of present time, the dream reflects that same present time through the filter of our emotional process. The dream's role is to enable our emotional process to automatically cleanse and attune us to reality on a daily basis. When our capacity to dream is damaged, for example, as a result of disturbed sleep or insomnia, the functioning of our emotional process will also be adversely affected. We can only experience present time through our dreams, since they discharge superfluous stimuli from reality, which are pieces of present time. The paradox of death anxiety At the age of thirty I tried to persuade my friends to build a communal settlement in which we could continue to live and be independent even after retirement. What could be more reasonable than that? As well as insuring ourselves regarding health care or retirement pensions, we could construct a settlement that would spare us the option of leaving our homes in old age to move to retirement facilities or nursing homes. It would seem that such an idea might well increase our sense of safety in the world and decrease the anxiety that accompanies ageing and loss of independence. But nobody would consider such an idea. My friends were not willing to discuss anything associated with death or illness. Paradoxically, time management enables us to control the time we are given on earth, thus creating the sense of a safe place, but it is also a reminder of our inevitable death, which provokes death anxiety. Although the practice of time management can decrease death anxiety and increase our sense of security, the idea of it reminds us of death and provokes anxiety. Are we really afraid of death? Actually, we know nothing about death and it is this lack of knowledge that frightens us so much. Time plays a central role in our ignorance regarding death. We know that Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training we are going to die one day, but we do not know when this will happen. This lack of control related to the time of our death impairs our sense of safety and generates anxiety. This reminds me of a famous author and journalist who had cancer. Shortly before his death, he organized a farewell party for all his friends and acquaintances and had it broadcast live. By deciding to depart in such a way, by means of a well-orchestrated and scheduled ceremony, he could create a temporary sense of control in his last hours, thus lessening death anxiety. Death anxiety is reflected in our every experience of completion or departure. The way we handle these events also reflects the way we cope with death anxiety. Ignoring. This is our natural response to any thought of death. If we do not develop effective tools for coping with death anxiety, we will also find it difficult to cope with endings and departures and opt to ignore them. Ignoring endings or departures means avoiding dealing with them and escaping any necessary preparation or time management. Individuals who ignore endings and separations will also find it difficult to attend funerals and process the grief at the death of beloved persons. Crisis. This is the inevitable result of ignoring endings and departures. By definition, crisis is a threatening situation for which we are not prepared. Major crises can occur if we are not prepared for life changes resulting from retirement, moving to another country, finishing college or completing psychotherapy. Minor crises can beset us when we need to say goodbye to a friend who has been visiting us, when we finish reading a favorite book or when we run out of some commodity at home (milk for coffee, cereal for breakfast, or cigarettes). Such crises are indications that we are not prepared for death and are incapable of coping with its accompanying anxiety. Postponement. In many cases we avoid preparing for endings and departures, although we are aware that they are imminent and that we need to cope with them. This causes us to postpone a diet (although we know it is important for our health), a Chapter 10: The sixth skill – Time management redundancy notice to an employee or a heart-to-heart talk with people we love (friends who are moving to another country, aged parents). Postponement is the most authentic expression of the death anxiety paradox. It indicates our awareness of death and our attempt to remove it from our thoughts. There are special idioms in various languages that relate to postponement. In Hebrew we say 'After the holidays,' while the Bulgarians say 'On Monday' (i.e. next week). If we become aware of our tendency to postpone coping with endings and departures, we can learn how to realize the saying: 'Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today' (Thomas Jefferson). Postponement is an expression of our natural resistance to time management. Conventional ceremonies. The easy way to cope with endings and departures is to practice conventional ceremonies and rituals. We depart from the dead through funeral ceremonies and wakes. We organize farewell parties for friends who move to another country or for workers who retire and we celebrate the end of a learning process or a research project or writing a book. We also practice certain rituals when we complete any interaction with friends, colleagues or clients with a farewell get-together or with messages referring to the next meeting. A person who does not practice such rituals will find it difficult to take part in funerals and cope with his or her own death. Conventional rituals might appear to be a false way of coping with endings and departures if they are not attuned to the unique characteristics of each occasion. Preparation. The best way to cope with endings and separations, and also to be ready for our own death and diminish death anxiety, is to be prepared for them. This will allow us to review our ceremonies and rituals and attune them to our actual needs. The celebration with which the famous author departed from his friends enabled him to identify his death anxiety and create a special ceremony; it helped him prepare for death. Continuous practice of the emotional skill of time management is in fact a method to help us cope with endings and departures and decrease our death anxiety. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training We can cope with the paradox of death anxiety by continuous, gradual and moderate practice of time management at every moment of our lives. In spite of our initial resistance, after practicing time management regularly until it becomes a habit, death anxiety will decrease and we will gain a sense of safety. Death anxiety impairs the emotional skill of time management and makes it difficult to finish processes or to take our leave. Practicing time management will help us cope with death anxiety. Time management as a tuning system Our sense of time is subjective and disregards real-world processes. We feel that time passes quickly when we manage it efficiently and that time is 'standing still' when we lose control over it. Our sense of time is influenced by the level of safety or anxiety that we experience, unrelated to the actual passage of time. Our subjective sense of time, which serves as an effective gauge of our sense of a safe place, makes it difficult to navigate through the world and attune ourselves to other people and social systems, as well as the ecological system without which we cannot survive. However, utilizing the emotional skill of time management will enable us to synchronize our time to that of others and attune ourselves to reality. Time management is a tuning system without which we cannot communicate with others or create a sense of reality. Improving the skill of time management enables us to operate more successfully in various kinds of relationships; it also strengthens our sense of safety and that of other people in any given interaction. Time management synchronizes us with real time. Time management and the concept of self Due to our subjective sense of time, time management plays a central Chapter 10: The sixth skill – Time management role in our concept of self. The concept of self, including the terms 'self' and 'I', is complicated and quite elusive, and it deals with the way we create a personal story by which we define ourselves and introduce ourselves to others. The concept of self deals with the questions "Who am I?", "Is there a link between the child I was, the boy, the young man and the man I am now?", "Am I responsible for all the individuals I was in the past?", "Am 'I' a single person who keeps changing, or several personas who are always with me (the 'inner child', the 'inner characters')?" Each of us uses the subjective sense of time to create our concept of self. By choosing one type of time, we can create a personal narrative that helps us formulate our concept of self: Basing the self on the past. Many people see themselves as the sum of the events of their life history, while emphasizing some distinctive ones: "My family has lived in Liverpool for ten generations," or "I was a fighter pilot in the air force," or "Although I was wounded in a car crash, I completed a PhD in chemistry," or "I have published three books and have received the Miami Literature Prize." We find it easy to identify ourselves through the most salient events that have occurred in our lives, whether positive or negative ones, which convey the image we wish. Such a concept of self is convenient and widely accepted, but it might also fail us. This can happen when it delays our development or when the gap between image and reality is too wide. Basing the self on the recent past. Only a few individuals choose to identify themselves in terms of the recent past: "I finished my computing degree only two months ago, and now I'm developing a product for a new company," or "I've just returned from my honeymoon, and I didn't want it to end," or "I've resigned from Google and started a new job at Facebook. I'm as excited as I was five years ago." The ability to identify with the recent past indicates a flexible concept of reality and an ability to attune to changes, but it might also indicate an attempt to forget the past. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training Basing the self on the present. We cannot grasp the present while it is happening, so when someone identifies himself in terms of the present, he is opting to introduce the present or the near past as a solid fact and not as a process of tuning into reality: "I'm the manager of McDonalds in Houston," or "I specialize in real estate. I travel abroad a lot to look for opportunities," or "I'm a pensioner, and I enjoy spending time with my grandchildren." Such a concept of the self, that relates to the present as a continuous reality and ignores the past and expected changes in the future, can also indicate a fear of change, and this is its weakness. Basing the self on the near future. The concept of the self that is based on the near future resembles the one that is based on the near past. Instead of referring to changes that have recently been made, it refers to changes that are supposed to happen soon: "I'm going on a mission abroad," or "I'm opening a new chain of sport shops," or "I'm getting married this week." Such a concept of self is based on a change that has not yet occurred, and it focuses on an emotional skill that has not yet been realized. Such an approach may indicate a capacity of attunement to changes of reality, but it also disregards its complexity and indicates illusions about plans that have not yet been realized. Basing the self on the future. A self-image that is based on future options is characteristic of visionaries or day-dreamers: "One day I will be CEO of this company," or "Do you see that beautiful girl? She doesn't know it yet, but I'm going to marry her some day," or "Maybe I'm naïve, but I'm going to make the world a better place." Visualizing future goals, practical or fictional, is a precondition for any kind of initiative or change, but basing the concept of the self on such goals might lead to crises and disappointments. Is there a link between our perception of the self and our sense of a safe place? Yes, there definitely is. Our concept of self is part of our personal story and it also influences our narrative and our capacity of repeatedly attuning to changes in reality. If our concept of the self is Chapter 10: The sixth skill – Time management fixed and rigid, we will find it more difficult to attune to reality and make efficient use of our emotional skills. If our concept of the self is flexible and attuned to our presence in the world, it will also improve our use of emotional skills. The interdependency between the concept of the self and the use of emotional skills might seem paradoxical, but simply practicing the emotional skills can resolve this paradox and enable us to formulate a more flexible concept of self, thereby also improving our everyday practicing of the emotional skills. It is obvious that when, as demonstrated above, our concept of self is based only on one time frame, this creates a distorted self-image, even when it is attuned to reality. Our conception of time can include all three types, even when they only express imagery or unrealistic ideas. Just as we need various kinds of beliefs, religious or other, in order to create our life story, we also require a narrative that will present the self in successive time frames. Constant attuning our concept of self to reality will enable us to become more flexible regarding our self-narrative, but that does mean that we cannot include other types of time in our concept of self. Thus, it is important to learn how to identify the time elements in our self-concept, so that we can better attune it to reality and more easily incorporate various time dimensions. While formulating our own sense of self, we also observe that of other people - which we refer to as 'personality' - in terms of different time frames. By defining other people's personalities we compose, through generalization, a narrative that expresses our attitude towards them. Categorizing various personality types has nothing to do with absolute 'truth', but only with our personal observations. It is difficult to identify other people's personalities as they exist in the present (or more precisely, in the near past and the near future), so we tend to identify them in terms of our own proclivities. We generally identify other people according to past events: "He grew up in an orphanage, but he still built up this business with his own hands," or "She was a beauty queen in high-school," or "When we were both children he used to lick the teachers' asses. No wonder he became a politician." It is easy to characterize other people according to events that took place in the past, even if they are not relevant to the present. Defining other people's personalities through past events is a Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training source of prejudice, and can increase hard feelings such as anger, revenge, offensiveness and hatred. The phenomena of xenophobia, racism and fascism are usually partially based on an exaggeration of stories from the past. Similarly, we exaggerate the positive aspects of other people's personalities by referring to our own future expectations of them. This happens when we fall in love and ascribe qualities and deeds to our beloved that actually represent our image of family or intimate relationships, without any actual connection with reality. In the same way, we believe the promises of political leaders to bring about peace and security or the claims of 'spiritual' leaders to help us discover our 'real' selves or achieve peace of mind. Our concept of self and the way we refer to other people's personalities are an expression of our sense of time. We tend to attach these thoughts to the past or to the future, naturally finding it difficult to identify them in the present. In this way we fail ourselves again and again. By broadening our time concept and attuning it to never-ending changes in reality, we can be more flexible regarding our concept of self and more accurate when identifying what other people are like. This will help us prevent crisis and maintain our sense of a safe place. Our time perception is subjective, and when we define our sense of self or other people's personalities, we fail ourselves. A flexible perception of the self will improve our emotional skills and our attunement to reality. Time management and interpersonal relationships Interpersonal relationships are based on a series of interactions through which we share part of our lives with others: the space where we spend time (a house, a room, an office), our bodies (handshaking, hugging, physical closeness, body language, sexual interaction), our possessions (books, discs, tools, leisure goods), our creations (cooked food and pastry, fruits and vegetables from the garden, artifacts), our actions (social activity, business or leisure activity) and also our ideas and thoughts (beliefs, personal stories, plans). But first and foremost, we share our time, without which interaction is impossible. Chapter 10: The sixth skill – Time management Time management enables us to share our time with others and create the sense of a safe place for ourselves and for them. Time management of interpersonal relationships does not mean that we control other people's time, but that we attune our concept of time to theirs. In order to accomplish this we need to establish an objective common denominator in the form of a clock or a calendar: Meeting time. We have to fix the exact date and time for starting the meeting. Meeting duration. We have to agree on the length of the meeting before it begins and keep to this time frame as strictly as we can. Ending the meeting. The end of the meeting is dependent on the first two conditions, and it is helpful to stick to the agreed duration of the meeting. Planning the meeting time. In order to help us achieve the goal of the meeting, it is necessary to come to an agreement with the other parties regarding the schedule and the agenda. Planning future meetings. Advanced planning of future meetings will place it in the context of a series of encounters, thus creating a time frame characteristic of interpersonal relationships. It needs particular determination to create the appropriate conditions for time management in interpersonal relationships. In order to do this, we must relinquish our subjective time perception and relate it to a common denominator (a clock or calendar). It is easy to maintain time management, but it is also easy to deviate from it. To the extent that we keep attuning our time management to that of others, a sense of trust and safety will increase. Deviating from the proposed time frame will increase a sense of mistrust and anxiety. While keeping to a time frame expresses our respect of other people's lives, their most valuable asset, disregard of time management engenders a sense of disrespect and threat. Intentionally deviating from time management may help those who wish to damage or waive it for their own reasons, and it might be helpful to identify such cases: Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training A struggle for control. When one of the parties feels that his status in the relationship is not equal to that of the other side, he might react by continuously deviating from time frames. One can find such situations in marriage, when women are never ready to leave on time or when husbands are always late returning home from work. It also happens with friends who are always late for get-togethers or who change the meeting time again and again. By identifying these situations and trying to understand them, we will be better equipped to find appropriate solutions and improve the relationship. Creating inequality. In relationships that involve negotiation, people might intentionally damage time management in order to create a sense of inequality. Businessmen and managers who seat themselves higher up than anyone else while negotiating are usually the same ones who are permanently late for meetings, even if they take place in their own offices. Identifying such deviations from time management and insisting on keeping to a time frame will enable us to cope with such situations and also reaffirm a sense of safety for both sides. Ignoring. There are situations in which an exaggerated sense of security causes us to ignore time management. This happens with lovers who feel so secure with one another that they ignore the time frame that enables them to feel safe in their everyday lives. It can also happen in less extreme situations where both sides feel so comfortable with one another that they forget their responsibilities towards others. Such cases can occur because the sense of a safe place reduces our need to manage time, which can be dangerous since it causes us to disregard reality for short periods. It is important to keep managing time even in situations where we feel that this is unnecessary. Time management is a system that enables us to attune ourselves to others. Without it social or business relationships are impossible. Chapter 10: The sixth skill – Time management Time management in social systems We are constantly involved in social systems, sometimes voluntarily, but in most cases without a choice. One can describe these systems as a series of widening social circles. Some of them are related, others are parallel, and still others are totally separate. The family circle is usually at the center, encircled by educational systems, workplaces and religious and political organizations. Usually our country is located at the outer circle, whereas in the last decade the influence of the wider global circle is also increasing. We also take part in professional organizations, voluntary associations and special interest groups. One should also remember the many organizations that supply us with energy, communications, insurance, and so on. While in interpersonal relationships we share our time with other people, our relationships with social systems are not mutual, and we have to adapt and attune ourselves to their special conditions. The emotional skill of time managements is intended to help us acquire a sense of safety, even when the time frame is determined by other factors. Social systems control our time management throughout our lives: The clock and the calendar. Our relationships with social systems function according to the clock and the calendar as regulated by our country and by the world at large. Consensus as regards Greenwich Mean Time as a common universal time scheme enables us to communicate with various systems wherever we live. We need to pay attention to changes from winter to summer time and vice versa, as determined in each country, as well as the calendars of the different religions and cultures that are synchronized by adding an extra day every four years in the case of the Gregorian calendar or an extra month in leap years in the case of the Jewish calendar. The age hierarchy. In most cultures society is based on a hierarchy of age, which determines our social status (as children, teenagers, students, workers or pensioners). Each age group is obliged to spend most of its time engaged in a particular social activity (whether school, army, university, workplace or retirement home). Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training Working time. Most of our time as adults is spent in the workplace, where the work week is determined by law and our employers. The law determines the age at which we can first be employed, how many hours a day we are allowed to work, the length of the work week and the number of vacation days we are entitled to. Employers control our work schedule and how much time should be allotted to coffee breaks, meals and vacations. Resting time. Tradition and legislation have set aside the weekend as a time of rest and relaxation, as opposed to the other days of the week. This conventional time management creates a social common denominator that influences our habits and how we organize our private time. Holidays, festivals and memorial days. Religious holidays, national festivals and memorial days establish a sense of order and permanency in the continuous flow of time, enabling us to periodically stop the constant flow of time and give added meaning to our free time. Inevitably, these common intervals give rise to cultural conventions in the shape of ceremonies and gatherings that take place on such special occasions. Rituals. We maintain many rituals at special times, which take the form of social events related to religious beliefs, habits and cultural conventions. Such rituals include burial ceremonies, memorials, independence days, religious services or the marking of international days in honor of women, children or various charities. Rituals engender a sense of common social time. Forced time. Social systems also enforce obligatory time management laws. Compulsory education laws oblige children to spend many years in school, often against their will. In some countries there is compulsory military or national service. In order to make a living, people are often required to spend time doing jobs they dislike, while we all participate in some family or social events that we would rather avoid. Forced time is part of our commitment to the social systems in which we participate, and it plays a central role in our lives. Chapter 10: The sixth skill – Time management Leisure time. As the work week becomes shorter and leisure time increases, we look for more activities to fill our free time. Such activities oblige us to attune ourselves to the time frames of the systems that supply them. Sometimes these are learning programs, courses or various workshops, tours and nature hikes or visits to the theatre, the concert hall, the movie theatre or the football field. All these activities influence how we allocate our time and compel us to adapt ourselves to their timetables. Time management and the ecological system The emotional skills enable us to attune ourselves to the stimuli of reality and create the sense of a safe place. Reality is constituted of ecosystems that make up the biosphere, the natural environment of our planet. The ecosystem in which we live influences our quality of life as well as our emotional ability to create the sense of a safe place. Our relationship with the ecosystem is a mutual one. The ecosystem enables us to survive on Earth, and the way we use its natural resources influences how well it functions. Thus, overexploitation of energy disrupts the ecosystem and brings about global warming that might endanger our lives on earth. By improving our emotional skills, and especially our skill of empathy, we can better attune ourselves to the ecosystem and prevent its destruction. The emotional skill of time management is an effective way to attune ourselves to the ecosystem, while giving meaning to our lives and creating the sense of a safe place. The ecosystem is not chaotic and meaningless. On the contrary, we can identify and understand its functioning due to its periodic and cyclical nature. Nature's cycles reflect real-world time management, and create the time frame that directs our lives: Night and day. The earth's constant rotation around its own axis creates the transition from night to day, determining all human activity and dividing between sleep and wakefulness. Technological developments that enable us to use artificial light after dark disrupt the functioning of our biological clock, while enabling us to lengthen the period when we are awake. New means of communication, such as television and the Internet, Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training occupy us during the hours of darkness, artificially overstimulating us. These extra stimuli, together with sleep deprivation, increase our pressure and stress levels and shorten our lives. The monthly cycle. The monthly orbit of the moon around the earth creates a time frame of 29 days. This constant cycle, during which we observe the new moon at the beginning of the month and the full moon halfway through it, impart a sense of order and safety. Any deviation from this order in the form of a lunar eclipse was regarded in the past as an omen of dangerous events to come. The yearly cycle. Our calendar indicates the earth's orbit around the sun, but we are less conscious of this than we are of the moon's orbit. We cannot physically sense the twelve-month calendar, as it is an artificial one. We only experience the yearly cycle through four distinctive seasons that bring about weather changes that influence plant life and the behavior of animals and humans alike. The constantly changing of the seasons makes us feel secure; it is no coincidence that many of our festivals are associated with the cycles of planting, growth and harvesting. But whereas ecosystems that include four different seasons create a sense of safety, a higher level of anxiety may be found in ecosystems where there is no significant difference among them. This may explain the high percentage of suicide in northern countries where there is only summer, when it is light all the time, and winter, when there are endless hours of darkness. It also might explain the risk of high levels of anxiety and aggression in desert regions, where the differences among the seasons are minimal. Recurrence involves constant time changes. In addition to the cycle of the ecosystem based on the orbit of the earth, the moon and the sun, nature also determines the water cycle, the plant cycle of growth and wilting and the mating seasons of animals. But this does not mean that the cycles of nature are fixed and dormant. They are constantly in flux due to world change and (in the last two hundred years), due to human intervention, that is disrupting Chapter 10: The sixth skill – Time management and damaging the ecosystem. Although the cycles of nature impart a sense of order and safety, we must continuously attune ourselves to reality and its changes, constantly recreating the sense of a safe place. While the cycles of the ecosystem generate a sense of safety, unanticipated changes might give rise to anxiety. Such changes are natural to the ecosystem, and help it repair itself. These occurrences include forest fires, earthquakes, floods, drought, thunderbolts and storms. As these events deviate from our expectations of the natural time management of the ecosystem, they threaten us. The emotional skill of time management helps us continually re-attune to small variations in reality, as well as helping us be prepared for unanticipated events. The ecosystem creates a sense of safety due to the natural cyclic time management of day and night and the seasons. By living far away from nature, we lose our sense of safety regarding nature's time management, and we find it hard to cope with natural disasters. Time management is a system that coordinates between us and our inner selves, between us and other people and between us and our ecosystem. Time management makes it possible to create a flexible sense of self, develop relationships and navigate through changing reality. Learning to identify the various features of time management in our lives, and attuning ourselves to the limitations of reality, will allow us to reinforce our sense of safety and decrease our existential anxiety. But before we begin practicing time management, we should learn how to identify some types of false time management that control our lives. Identifying false time management Like the rest of our emotional skills, the emotional skill of time management also refers to any interaction with ourselves, other people or the environment in which we live as a single unit. We must attune this unit to changes in reality as though it were taking place for the Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training first time. Without practicing our emotional skill of time management, we allow habits and external factors to control our time. Habits and ceremonies are necessary for creating the sense of a safe place, but when we do not attune them to present circumstances, they become a manifestation of false time management. In Lewis Carroll's book, Alice in Wonderland, Alice meets a rabbit, and running after him, she hears him mumbling: "Oh my ears and whiskers! I'm late!" There is this kind of a rabbit dwelling in every one of us, a rabbit that never manages to cope with the never-ending obligations of the fast pace of life. Emotional awareness enables us to pay attention to the nervous tension in our stomachs or the irregularity of our breathing on such occasions when we struggle, always after a slight delay, with a task we have taken upon ourselves. This physical sense of discomfort can serve as a signal of false time management and enable us to correct it. False management of personal time Do we manage our time, or are we managed by it? This is not a difficult question to answer. Try to remember what your schedule was yesterday and what it will look like tomorrow. Did you plan it? Did you have clear expectations? Were your expectations realized? Do you have a precise plan for tomorrow or is your schedule the same predetermined one you are accustomed to following every day? If we do not manage time in every interaction with ourselves, with others and with our environment on a daily basis, we actually lose control of our lives. By doing this we let a false sense of time management take the place of a vital sense of a safe place. It is easy to recognize false time management as a distinct gut feeling expressed in physical discomfort and accompanied by symptoms of stress and anxiety. But sometimes this is not so obvious to us, since false time management provides us with an authentic need to feel that we are in charge of our time frame. Sometimes it is hard to realize that our clear and convenient time frame, which supplies us with a fixed and definite schedule, is not suited to our needs, so we hang onto it until the discrepancy between it and our needs becomes unbearable. A consistent schedule imparts a sense of safety, whether authentic or false, and we find it hard to exist without it. Thus, not having an Chapter 10: The sixth skill – Time management alternative, we will carry on with our accustomed schedule even if it is false and even when it creates some discomfort. Therefore it is important to check our schedule and time management and attune them to our immediate needs on a daily basis. For example, if we have been accustomed since childhood to eating a full breakfast including a salad and eggs, toast with marmalade, cereal with milk, and then hot chocolate with a piece of cake, it will be hard to give this up when we are adults. But if we are not aware that as we grow older and need less food, such a breakfast is no longer healthy for us, we will suffer from overweight and health problems. It is hard to change habits and fixed schedules after practicing them for many years, but using the emotional skill of time management can help us make minor changes that will prevent a prospective crisis after years of hanging onto such practices. In order to identify our false patterns of time management, we should be aware of their various aspects, which may be easily recognized due to the discomfort they cause, especially those that give rise to an apparent sense of security that blinds us to their drawbacks: Habits and patterns. Our schedule is based on habits and fixed patterns of time division regarding eating, sleeping, working, studying and social interactions. These habits and patterns play a central role in making us feel secure, causing us to ignore minor inconsistencies that render them false, up till the point where we have a major crisis on our hands. In order to avoid such a situation, we should check our habits and patterns on a daily basis and make minor changes that will attune them to our actual needs. Improvisation. Sometimes our schedule is not organized by fixed habits and patterns and we manage part of our day by improvising. Although improvisation is an effective and creative way of coping with difficulties, it might also decrease our sense of safety and increase our anxiety level. When improvisation becomes a permanent component of our time management, it does us a disservice and should be identified and replaced by a better routine of time management. Improvisation is implemented by teachers who do not prepare Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training their lectures beforehand, but constantly present old, worn-out ones or by drivers who do not check the map before they set out to an unknown destination, always relying on finding someone to direct them to the correct address. Ambiguity and casualness. Some people prefer to give up time management and living according to a schedule, believing that this will give them more freedom. Such people live their lives in a casual and ambiguous way, which results in false time management and its accompanying anxiety. Such a way of life is characteristic of creative, original and exceptional people or those who are searching for meaning in their lives. But an avoidance of time frames does not diminish anxiety, but rather creates a false sense of freedom. It would be much easier for those who shy away from a fixed schedule to practice the skill of time management and feel free to plan their interactions on a daily basis. Identifying ambiguous time management might help us avoid false patterns resulting in an erroneous sense of freedom. Postponement. Time management is a constant reminder of our mortality, and our death anxiety, which we try to avoid at any cost. We express this avoidance by postponement, which then becomes a central factor in our time management. We tend to postpone everything that threatens us or is unpleasant. We postpone studying for exams, preparing annual income tax reports, confronting a partner we plan to break up with or making an appointment with the dentist. Paradoxically, postponement disrupts our control of time management and increases our discomfort and anxiety. Postponement is a false technique of time management, and we should identify and avoid it as much as possible. Sometimes it is not easy to identify false means of time management, as they mislead us and create a false sense of trust and safety. We are not aware of some false means of time management, but we can identify them by utilizing authentic time management: Chapter 10: The sixth skill – Time management Adapting to every unique interaction or event. Effective and authentic time management must be practiced for every interaction or event that determines the time sequence of our lives. Not deliberately managing time in relation to an interaction or event is an indication of false time management. Most of the daily events of our lives are the result of habits and inertia, and they are the source of constant, hardly perceptible stress. A regular routine of time management. Each of us has our own ways of managing time. We do this by means of written lists, patterns of behavior that serve us at various kinds of events or being aware of our expectations before any interaction or event. An interaction or event in which we do not use such regular time management routines is based on a false premise. Value check. Time management might be false, however, even if we practice it before every interaction and maintain a regular routine. This happens when our time management contradicts significant values, whether momentary or permanent. To identify this problem, we should ensure that the interaction in question does not contradict other needs or principles by which we choose to lead our lives. When there is such a contradiction, time management will be false and give rise to discomfort and anxiety. False management of interpersonal time The management of our interpersonal time relates to any personal relationship or interaction with others. Time management influences our interpersonal relationships and the sense of a safe place created by any such interaction. We regularly meet with children, parents, spouses, family members, friends, and colleagues for educational or professional purposes. We meet clients, suppliers, government clerks, sales agents and others regularly or for one-time interactions. Interpersonal interactions play a central role in our lives and influence our general sense of security. In many cases we avoid the use of time management in interpersonal interactions. This is due to the fact that they are either Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training based on habit or on the assumption that informal relationships do not require specific time management, or on our wish to be as spontaneous as possible. For example, this may hold true in marriage, in which a clear time frame creates a routine that makes us feel secure. We are used to waking up together every morning, eating breakfast, calling one another a few times a day from work, going out to a movie every Wednesdays, meeting friends every Thursday and eating lunch with the parents every Saturday. Such family schedules create the sense of a safe place. However, they do not always suit the changing needs of both parties. If we do not change and attune our schedules to our needs on a daily basis - or sometimes change them deliberately as an affirmation of mutual time management - we will eventually find ourselves faced with a crisis due to incompatibility or boredom. We can find false time management even in cultures where people are aware of it and organize their time according to their calendars: Regular interactions. We meet many people regularly: partners, children, family members, colleagues, employers and employees. Regularity creates a false sense of time management, so we tend to avoid managing and planning these meetings efficiently. A meeting 'just for the sake of meeting'. Sometime we meet close friends just for the sake of meeting them and say: "Let's meet tomorrow". We believe that declaring our wish to meet them is sufficient for such interactions, especially for intimate meetings. In fact these casual statements actually show that we practice false time management and ignore the need to make our mutual intentions clear by agreeing on an exact time. In many cases such interactions give rise to unpleasantness, although we are not aware of this at the time of the meeting. Professional interactions. Sometimes we meet people who provide us with services, while in other cases we are the service providers. In many cases, the customer does not take part in determining when the service will be given, accepting instead the provider's terms, but this can result in false time management and become a source of tension and anger. Chapter 10: The sixth skill – Time management We can identify false management of interpersonal time by checking our interactions according to the same parameters of authentic time management suggested above. The following are relevant to managing personal time: adapting to every unique interaction, following a regular routine of time management and checking values and needs. False management of social time Managing our social time enables us to create relationships with other people, thereby enabling us to realize our emotional skills. We cannot exist without some form of social relationships, and managing our social time more successfully will make us feel safer in our environment. Managing social time is conditional upon certain conventions, some of which are under our control and others that we are obliged to accept. Social time is an integral part of civilization and it manifests itself in all our interactions with other people. Social time seems to control our lives. It determines work hours, vacations and holidays, duties at various stages in our lives (compulsory education, national or military service), the age of retirement and leisure habits. There is no social meeting that is not subject to social time management, so we must adapt ourselves unconsciously, whether easily or with some difficulty, to predetermined time frames. This adaptation, which is referred to as conformism, can prevent confrontations and disputes on condition that we adhere to these social customs; in fact, we would find it difficult to live without them. But despite the benefits of conformism, we pay the price for losing control of social time management. Although we cannot directly influence social time management, we can manage the way we attune ourselves to it in any interaction. When we accept a time frame without examining and adapting it, we actually became slaves to false time management, unconsciously decreasing our sense of safety: Studying and working. We are forced to go to school when we are very young, and we extend this externally imposed time Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training frame to later studies at the university level or professional onthe-job training. Actually, as I will demonstrate below, we have many options at our disposal for controlling time even in forced situations where the time frame is fixed. If we do not choose to control our time in any learning or working situation, we are in danger of becoming slaves to false time management, thus impairing our success in such situations. Social events. We regularly take part in work meetings, parties, family meetings or journeys. At such events we lose part of our time control. If we mistakenly give up control of our time management regarding any single interaction, we will enable false time management to take over. Holidays, festivals and public events. During the year our lives are constantly influenced by events in which we take part, such as holidays and formal ceremonies, which are determined by a fixed calendar. We can avoid such events or take part in only a few of them, but if we do take part in such events as a result of habit or fear of change, we are actually letting false time management take control of our lives. False management of real-world time The cycle of day and night and the four seasons of the year serve as our natural calendar. Real-world time forms the basis for our lives, and we must attune to it as we do to any other aspects of reality if we wish to prevent crisis and live with a sense of safety. The artificial calendar that is adjusted to the orbit of the moon or the sun is not accurate and has to be readjusted every year. But this calendar is only a rough and general description of real-world time. Dividing time into months, weeks, days, hours and minutes is an arbitrary division, which is not perfectly attuned to constant small changes in real time. We live, work, learn and interact with one another according to a calendar, a time frame and a schedule that prevent us from attuning ourselves to real time and creating a safe time frame. Modern man cannot exist without these false mechanisms and return to nature, going to sleep with the goats and waking up with the rooster. But in order to manage our time more reasonably in accordance with these Chapter 10: The sixth skill – Time management mechanisms, we would do better to identify our false time management in light of nature's original calendar: Day and night. The changes between day and night, light and darkness, which are caused by sunrise and sunset, influence our sense of safety. The ratio between daytime and nighttime changes every day, and if we ignore this, day and night become false time measures. The changing seasons. The four seasons of the year refer to a continuous time cycle regarding heat and cold, the cycle of plant life, the hydrological cycle and the direction of the winds. In reality there aren't four distinct four seasons, and one can detect minor changes that occur every day. The rough division into four seasons is a false one in that it hides these minor changes and prevents us from attuning ourselves to reality. The biological clock. Like other organisms, humans function according to a biological clock (the circadian cycle) that is adapted to real time. The biological clock controls our hours of sleep, our sense of hunger and our metabolism. The biological clock reflects nature's time frame and ignoring its signals will lead us to live according to a false time dimension. The false calendar of nature. Although we are obliged to attune ourselves to nature, there are geographical locations in which we find it difficult to be attuned to real time. These locales lack a seasonal cycle and there is almost no difference between night and day, making them unsuitable to our biological clock, possibly disrupting our lives. Even if we attempt to attune ourselves to real time, we should pay attention to nature's false calendar so as to find a better environment in which to live or alternatively create some type of artificial time management that can help us cope with such a reality. Climate changes. In the constant cycle of nature which brings about natural time management, there are many exceptions that can disrupt real time. Such distortions are caused by storms, floods, droughts and other natural phenomena brought about by global warming. Such changes in real time arouse anxiety and should be identified as false real time. In such cases it is Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training necessary to adapt our time management in order to restore our sense of a safe place. Guidelines for time management Time management, like all the other emotional skills, must be implemented regularly in any interaction or event in our lives. Time will always be managed with or without our involvement; identifying our time controlling options by means of emotional awareness can allow us to effectively manage time. The following guidelines will help you practice various aspects of time management. Persisting with this will help you acquire new habits that will enable you by means of emotional awareness to determine a suitable time frame for any real-life activity or interaction. Review In order to break the vicious circle of imprinted habits of time management, it is necessary first of all to identify every event and interaction in our daily schedule and review how we manage time for each one. At the first stage of this practice, it is recommended to record all your findings regarding time management in writing. Prepare a special time diary for this task, so that you can refer to it in the future and notice the improvements that will result from practicing the emotional skill of time management on a daily basis. Yesterday's time management. Try to recall yesterday's events. First write down everything you can remember, including daily physical activities such as eating, cleaning, studying or working, and one-time events such as reading a book, going out of town, writing a letter or interacting with other people. After documenting all these events and interactions, try to describe how you managed their time schedule: the schedule setting, how long they lasted and the order in which they occurred. Now recall your involvement in these events and interactions: Did you manage the time? Did they occur according to habit? Did someone else manage the time? Try to determine if you could have improved the event or Chapter 10: The sixth skill – Time management interaction by managing time differently. Practice this for a while, paying attention to your ability to identify yesterday's events and how you managed time in their regard. Today's time management. This is not easy. Try to document what happens in real time. Briefly jot down every event or interaction as it occurs. For example: "8:30 A.M: Breakfast with the children (30 minutes). Jeremy came in and we talked about Saturday's lunch." Before every event, write down what the time management will be and also describe at its completion what actually happened. For example: "12:50: I'm going out for a 30-minute lunch break, and maybe I'll also have time to buy the children notebooks before the meeting with the production manager," and then: "14:10: I came late for the meeting with the production manager and didn't manage to buy the children notebooks. I met Fiona beforehand in the cafeteria and she started telling me about her divorce, so I couldn't get away on time." Tomorrow's time management. At the end of each day, write your projected time management for the next day: the regular or one-time events in which you will participate, the people you will meet and the way you will manage these interactions. At the end of the day, read your forecast and compare it with the subsequent daily documentation ('today's time management'). Try to analyze the difference between your expectations and plans and how things actually turned out, as well as how your time management influenced events. Future time management. Our plans, dreams and expectations are a main driving force in our lives. The more we improve the time management of our future, the greater our chances of being able to realize our plans and expectations. Try to describe your life in the distant future, your goals and the outcomes you anticipate. Describe your time management in detail: when will each event or interaction happen? How long will it take? What will the schedule be of each event or interaction? When will the sequence of events happen? What changes do you expect? When will your goals come true? How will you control the time management? Hold onto this description, checking and Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training rephrasing it from time to time according to changes in reality and the experience you have acquired in managing time. Check you emotional agreement. Time management is one of the significant components of the emotional agreement. Read your review and see if you were aware of determining time management before every event or interaction, and if you knew how to share it with others. Now, whenever you practice the skill of emotional agreement, check the accuracy of both your time management and your expectations. Personal meeting diary While many people manage their time spontaneously, there are cultures in which it is impossible to meet others without mutually checking diaries and coordinating the time of the meeting in advance. A 'meeting calendar' is an effective tool for creating the sense of a safe place for both sides, and it can be adapted to all kinds of events and interactions, as well as for planning each meeting: Timetable. In your meeting diary, write down your regular weekly timetable. However, this by itself is not sufficient. On each page of the diary, write down your plan for the next day, including meetings and events and the exact time and length of each. This will help you create a prospective time map in your imagination, which will help you navigate easily through the day. Be prepared for changes, and allow for time gaps between the meetings, so that you can cope with any deviations from your plan. Share your time management ideas with the people you meet in regard to the time and length of the meeting and place it in the context of your daily schedule, so that they will be aware of the consequences of any deviation from plan. Time management of events and interactions. Leave some space on the diary page for managing the time of each event and interaction. Determine the meeting's agenda according to topics of discussion and desired goals. Share your plan with the other parties, in order to enable them to help you keep to the time boundaries you have set. Chapter 10: The sixth skill – Time management Documentation. Leave some space on the diary page for documenting each event or interaction. This will help you review the preliminary plan and compare it with actual performance. Thus, you will be able to improve your time management skills and also locate the event on your memory map. This will also help you recall the meeting in future so as to avoid misunderstanding and conflict with other participants. Planning routine for each time unit Each event or interaction with other people constitutes an independent time unit, so one must be prepared to manage it when it occurs. In order to do this efficiently, a simple routine is necessary that will enable us to be instantaneously prepared for every interaction without wasting time on planning and preparation. It is easy to acquire such a routine; all that is necessary are some basic cognitive skills. You may develop your own method of time management, but you should start with these basic and simple principles. The time frame. Determine when the time unit will begin and end. Share the time frame with the other parties, if there are any, and come to an agreement about it. Check out the conditions and factors that may influence your time management, attuning your time frame to any expected realworld limitations (such as the weather, other people's physical condition, light and darkness, the physical setting and transportation). Determining targets. Define the goal of the event or meeting in a clear and simple way (doing homework, planning grandma's birthday, daily fitness exercises), while limiting it as much as possible. Increasing the number of goals might reduce your chances of achieving them. Be aware of other goals that could be achieved in each event or interaction and try to avoid them. For example, when you drive your son to town for a chess competition, don't stop at the bank or go to the supermarket to buy milk. Any additional goal may disrupt your time management. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training Topic division. When the goal of your time unit is clear, divide it into topics and stages. If your goal is preparing pizza, divide your time according to the various steps involved: making the dough, kneading it, letting it rise, punching it down, adding the sauce and the cheese, and baking it. If your goal is a salary negotiation with your boss, divide the time for describing your job and your achievements, the extra hours you invest in your work and your present contract, leaving your request for a raise for last. Time division. After dividing the goal into items and stages, set an appropriate time for each stage according to the limits of the given time unit. Try to estimate the time needed for every item on the agenda. At this point you may find that the required time exceeds your time unit, and you will have to relinquish some items and rearrange your time division. Always add a few extra minutes to each stage and item, to ensure flexibility and avoid deviations. Time anchors. It is not easy to keep to time management exactly as planned. In order to avoid time deviations, it is necessary to determine some anchors that will allow you to review your time management and amend any lacunae that occur. Define your anchors in advance by choosing some points in time that will enable you to check the progress of the meeting in real time. Alternatively, you could determine arbitrary anchors, such as looking at your watch every fifteen or thirty minutes. You can also do this at the end of each stage of the meeting or at the completion of significant stages. You should define the anchor for each time unit in advance, so as not to forget it later. General rehearsal. Now that you are ready to manage your time unit, try to visualize the whole process in your imagination. By doing this, you are actually preparing for the role of your personal narrative in your emotional process and formulating a clear map that will guide you safely through any event or interaction. Chapter 10: The sixth skill – Time management One step ahead One of the most efficient tools used by our emotional process is our ability to anticipate and plan our lives. Each of us uses this tool and we do so intuitively as part of our bodily structure (through the brain and the nervous system). Without the ability to plan one step ahead, we would be unable to walk or talk. When we move, our physical system, and each muscle in our body, is preparing for the next step. Without this ability it would be necessary for us to stop after every step we take, review the data received from reality, only then taking the next one. We can expand the use of this tool and develop it, thereby also improving the functioning of our emotional process. Planning further and further ahead will render us more efficient and confident. The ability to plan for the future will also enhance our skill of time management, and it is a precondition for any achievement or realization of our plans. One who can plan several steps ahead will be a better chess player, businessman, pianist, partner or parent. The ability to plan the next step (as well as subsequent ones) involves our narrative skill, or the ability to tell a fictional story. Any plan, dream or expectation is a fictional story relating to something that has not yet happened. This tool helps us to create our personal narrative, which is the inner map that enables our emotional system to guide us through the world. A narrative that is not attuned to reality will lead to crisis and an increased anxiety level. We can attune our narrative to reality by planning one step ahead in any interaction with reality, as part of our constant preparation for a future time unit (whether an event or an interaction). Without continually planning one step ahead, our inner map will not be synchronized with reality and we will find ourselves at a dead end. In order to improve the tool of planning 'one step ahead' we must practice it continually using our emotional awareness, attuning it to every small time unit in our daily sequence of events. There is no need to practice more than one step at a time. As we improve this skill, our ability to see further ahead will automatically increase. The ability to foresee and plan one step ahead is an integral part of our skill of time management, since it allows us to formulate the narrative that navigates us through the world, in the same way as 'a Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training general rehearsal' does for each time unit. But while 'a general rehearsal' ' refers to the smallest time unit of an event or interaction, the tool of 'planning one step ahead' refers to the smallest time units that make up our lives. We can practice this tool at any given moment, even if we don't define our goals and divide them into topics. It is necessary to identify the immediate action we are going to perform, so that we can prepare for it and attune it to our needs: Identifying the present activity. Focus on your present activity. Is it a deliberately planned activity or an automatic one? Using your emotional awareness, identify how secure or anxious it makes you feel. Defining the next activity. Identify the upcoming activity. Is it planned or habitual? Reviewing the optional activities. Think of other options for the upcoming activity. In order to do this, draw on past experience or use your improvising skills. Choosing the appropriate activity. Now choose the most appropriate activity and execute it. At first, practicing 'planning one step ahead' will cause a slight delay, stopping the automatic succession you are familiar with. After a while, the process will speed up, until you can do it instantly. Later on you will be able to skip intentionally practicing this tool, as it will serve you automatically in any situation. Managing constant time units Our daily routine is made up of many constant time units that appear to manage themselves. Our 24-hour day includes regular activities which we unconsciously repeat again and again over the years, until we face difficulty or crisis. Our disregard of time management in most of our activities brings about minor discrepancies that later develop into crises. We are unaware of most of what we do every day and we do not attribute any significance to it. We study and work, meet other people, move from one place to another, arrange objects and do the cleaning. Ignoring the management of our constant time units creates a slight, Chapter 10: The sixth skill – Time management almost imperceptible sense of discomfort. The more we ignore this discomfort, the less contented we will feel. In order to avoid this situation, we must attune everything we do to our changing needs by managing our constant time units on a daily basis. This should be accomplished using all the time management tools we have already acquired: Attuning the time frame. Review the starting and finishing times of each activity, attuning its duration to your actual needs. Consider changing the time frame or even giving up any activity that is no longer relevant (for example, a regular meeting with a friend who does not interest you any more, or a physical activity that is inappropriate to your health condition). Checking goals and targets. Rephrase the goal of the activity to fit your present needs and interests. Dividing into topics. Divide the time into activities according to topics that correspond with your present needs and dispose of those that are no longer relevant. Time division. Check the time dedicated to each subject and match it to your needs. Creating time anchors. Introduce such anchors at various stages of the activity, and use them to renew your control over time during the activity. General rehearsal. Imagine how the expected activity will proceed and be aware of necessary minor adjustments in your time management. Sharing. Share with the people you meet the changes you wish to make in managing your constant time units. Managing single time units Part of our daily activity is dedicated to single time units, some of which are planned ahead, while others are unexpected. We hold special meetings with friends and colleagues, clients or suppliers, government clerks and professionals and service providers. Single interactions create a sense of discomfort by their very nature; improving our time management will also increase our sense of safety while decreasing our feeling of discomfort. In such Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training interactions we must also use all the time management tools that we have acquired, but in addition we must make sure to receive the approval of the other parties involved. Time management is not obvious in such interactions, and we must make sure that all the conditions for time management are clear and acceptable: Accurate time frame. Set an exact time for starting and finishing the meeting and make it clear that the time frame cannot be changed. Unequivocal definition of the goal. Define the goal of the meeting in a clear and comprehensive way, and avoid more than one goal whenever possible. Agreed division of the topics. Present in advance all the topics relevant to the goal of the meeting. Clear time division. Do not hesitate to detail how much time you plan to allot to each topic. Emphasis on time anchors. Determine time anchors in advance, so that you will be able together with your partners to check up if the meeting is running according to schedule and adhering to the agreed time divisions. Detailed general rehearsal. Visualize the plan once or twice until you feel that you are capable of keeping to the time frame in the course of the meeting. A clear time agreement. In order to avoid misunderstandings, draw up a clear and detailed agreement regarding the meeting with your partner. Do this in writing and e-mail it to your partner. The above list is also relevant for single time units of activities that you do yourself, like working in the garden, writing an essay or preparing a special dinner. Train yourself to write out a plan for each single activity; if you learn to adhere to a planned time frame, you will also improve your sense of a safe place and general well-being. Long-term plans In this book I have emphasized time and again that the basic principle of Emotional Training is repeatedly practicing the emotional skills Chapter 10: The sixth skill – Time management throughout our lives, for each time unit, event and interaction with others. From this point of view, Emotional Training is similar to existential or eastern approaches that focus on 'here-and-now' experience. Does this mean that we have to relinquish our short-term or long-term plans and be satisfied with the present time only? Must we declare: "Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die"? No. As stated above, we cannot live in the present, and we are always late. Without plans for the near future and the far future, our lives are meaningless, since plans play a central role in our personal narrative, which is the map that navigates us through reality. In order to do this effectively in the here-and-now, it is necessary to prepare a long-term plan that will indicate the direction and the path we will follow through life. But short-term and-long term plans are meaningless if they are not attuned to continuous changes in our lives and in the world around us. In the same way that the most complicated road map will lead us to a dead end if it does not correspond with the actual condition on the roads, the best plan will not serve us if we do not constantly attune it to our lives. Each of us has plans and goals that direct our lives in the short and long term. Such plans serve us similarly to a business plan, which must be readjusted to real-world market conditions. Any plan, whether short or long-term, must correspond with reality, otherwise it will fail you. Practice identifying your plans for the near and the distant future, and try to add any details that are missing. Do this first in writing, until you are able to readjust your plans automatically: Define the goal of your plan. Write down in a simple and clear way your plan's goal and what you expect to gain from it. Do not define more than one goal at a time. Describe the means for executing the goal. Specify the means that are needed to realize the plan. Are they readily available to you? How advisable is it to achieve your plan's goal. Set expected activity stages. Divide the plan into stages of performance, and define in detail what you need to do at each stage and how you can validate if you have been successful. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training Plan the time frame. Specify the exact time required for each stage of the plan, leaving a margin of safety in case of deviation from the expected schedule. Indicate control anchors. Determine the exact points in the schedule at which you can check the progress of each stage, amend the deviations, adjusting the plan to actual conditions or deciding to cancel it. Practice briefly preparing various short-term or long-term plans until you feel that you have learned them by heart. Mastering this skill can help you improve the preparation and execution of any kind of plan. Now focus on the five basic plans that motivate your life. Write them down until you feel that you have become fully cognizant of the plans and the goals that you wish to achieve. After such practice becomes a habit, you will be able to do it in the blink of an eye on a daily basis. This could occur when you wake up in the morning or when writing in your diary at the end of the day. The more you practice this, the more automatic it will become, requiring only a moment of awareness: Plan the next day. Always be prepared with a plan for the next day. This can be done by writing it down in your meeting diary. While planning the next day, you can also quickly check any long-term plans. Plan the next week, month and year. It is important to plan these three short and long-term time cycles, but few people do this regularly. If you continue to define your goals and prepare your plans, you will be able to overcome a tendency to focus only on immediate needs, and actually achieve your goals. Describe your mission and your ambitions. Many individuals are unaware of their motives and fail to prepare a detailed plan of their future. Planning and attuning your life plan to daily changes will assist you in defining your mission and imparting meaning to your life. This may not be easy, but even if you do not succeed in defining your specific mission and goals, don't give up. Try again and again, on a daily basis. The more you Chapter 10: The sixth skill – Time management practice, the more your prospects for the future and your ability to manage time will improve. Managing biological time Our biological clock (circadian cycle) provides us with a natural time frame that is appropriate to our biological needs. The more attuned we are to our biological clock, the more we will keep our health while also creating a natural sense of a safe place. The artificial schedule which is characteristic of life in the 21st century is not attuned to our biological clock, increasing our sense of stress and anxiety, creating health problems and shortening our lives. Our biological clock is the best manager of our time and we should be sensitive to its signs: Eating. Our culture of abundance leads us to eat more than we need to, even when we are not hungry. We eat processed foods laced with artificial additives that cause overweight and damage our health. An unbalanced consumption of junk food is addictive and damages our natural eating habits. Our eating habits reflect our emotional state. Stress and anxiety either cause us to overeat or interfere with our natural appetite. Giving up damaged eating habits and eating at set times can improve our lives and also help us control our time management. First it is necessary for you to identify your eating habits, reducing your intake of processed food, refined sugar and flour, eating more fruit and vegetables and avoiding eating when you are not hungry. Only then can you gradually start listening to your natural sense of hunger and set fixed times for breakfast, lunch, dinner and in-between snacks. Each of us has a different biological clock, and we must learn to eat only when we are hungry. At mealtimes, try not to do anything else, and don't eat more than you need. Maintaining set mealtimes will give you the feeling that you are controlling your life, the very basis of the skill of time management. Sleeping. Like all other living creatures, we cannot survive without sleep. Human beings need seven or eight hours' sleep a day, and sleep deprivation can damage our health and shorten Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training our lives. Emotional disturbances like stress or anxiety can disrupt sleep, increasing stress and anxiety. Artificial stimuli that have accompanied progress and modernization, such as artificial lighting, electronic sources of information and recreation (i.e., radio, TV, video, Internet) and late-night entertainment options decrease our sleeping hours, damaging our health and shortening our lives. If we listen carefully to our biological clock and attune our sleeping hours to our natural sense of fatigue and to the rising and setting of the sun, we can restore our body's natural time management, strengthen our sense of safety and improve our health and quality of life. Metabolism. Our biological clock affects metabolic process in our bodies automatically without our intervention, except for the voluntary act of defecation, which we can control. Defecation is linked to our eating habits, so when we adopt regular ones, defecation will also take place at fixed times, according to our biological clock. Over-control of defecation, by postponing nature's call for various reasons (preferring to continue work or entertainment activities), damages our health and disrupts the functioning of our biological clock. The more we listen to our bodies and attune evacuation to our natural needs, the safer our biological time management will feel. Ageing. In addition to the biological clock (circadian cycle) that influences our daily schedule, we are also affected by the biological clock of our life cycle. From the moment of birth we begin the aging process, which effects gradual changes in our bodies. Our metabolism changes, our physical abilities become weaker, and we suffer memory loss. Our sexual behavior changes and the female menstrual cycle ends. Ignoring the biological clock of our life cycle will result in our losing control over the time management of our lives, resulting in a lessening sense of safety. This will also prevent us from being attuned to reality, increasing our levels of stress and anxiety and damaging our immune system. Efficient time management of our lives demands of us to listen to the changes in our bodies and attune our activities accordingly. Chapter 10: The sixth skill – Time management Attuning to nature's time management Reality provides us with the best natural biological clock, whose time management is a source of safety and trust. Although we have no control over this clock, we must attune ourselves to it. By so doing, we can become one with nature and increase our sense of safety through its processes. Unfortunately, we live our lives far removed from nature. More than half the world's population lives in towns and cities, and the process of globalization has accelerated the process of urbanization even further. Another percentage lives in smaller urban settlements, with only a negligible number living close to nature (either the very rich or the very poor). It seems impossible to get back to nature in the age of the population explosion. Life in the 21st century forces us to live and work near urban centers in order to survive, enjoy ourselves, study and be close to cultural centers. On the other hand, this situation gives rise to stress and anxiety, preventing happiness and shortening our lives. In addition, global warming, the main result of urbanization, is threatening to destroy our world. Each of us can make minor adjustments to our lives, and by attuning ourselves to nature's time management of nature, we can improve our lives and also delay global warming and save our planet. It is not too late. Following are some suggestions for attuning ourselves to nature: Take nature walks. The easiest way to commune with nature and get in step with its time dimension is by taking nature walks. Try to do this a few times a week. You can walk through a park in your city or town, or drive out of town and find a scenic place for a walk. Do so regularly, breathe in the fresh air and pay attention to how nature is constantly changing throughout the day from sunrise to sunset, in addition to seasonal changes in plant life, water and earth. Eat food in season. Try to eat fresh fruit and vegetables that are typical of the time of the year. Buy them straight from the farmer, and if possible, go out and pick them yourself. Notice how their taste changes at different seasons of the year. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training Be attentive to the weather. The weather reflects nature's minutes and hours. Instead of listening to the weather forecast, go out and directly experience daily changes in the weather. Prepare yourself for these with appropriate clothes, food and daily activities. Be aware of the four seasons. The changing seasons impart a sense of continuity and variety. They can strengthen our trust in nature's cycle and contribute diversity and meaning to our lives. Take advantage of these regular seasonal changes, enjoying the advantages of each. Spend some time near the sea in the summer and enjoy skiing in the winter. Enjoy the flowering of spring while taking a long walk along a forest stream and celebrate the end of summer and the shedding of autumn leaves in a quiet landscape in the mountains while picking mushrooms. Adapt your lifestyle to seasonal changes. Develop a tradition of winter family activities at the fireside and physical activities outside in summer. Prepare your garden for spring and your house for winter. Have a garden. Working in your own garden is the best way to attune to nature's time management. Each season has its own unique characteristics that demand of you to prepare the ground for sowing and seeding. Different vegetables and fruits ripen and mature at every season, and there are various ways of preserving them for winter. You can dry apples, prepare wine, cook jam and marmalade, roast and fry tomatoes and peppers and preserve them in jars. If you live in town, you can plant a little garden in flowerpots or planters on your balcony or rent a piece of land in a nearby village. Leave the city. It might seem to be a difficult undertaking to leave the city or the town and move to a private house in a village, but this is actually cheaper than living in an apartment in town. In fact, living in a rural region is generally much cheaper than life in a big city, and you can also reduce your expenses by eating fruits and vegetables from your own garden. In some countries land is cheap and nature is more available. The difficulty in leaving the city and moving to a more natural environment is primarily emotional and based on a fear of Chapter 10: The sixth skill – Time management change. Actually, adjusting to village life is much easier than you think, and it is the best way to improve your quality of life. Join an eco-village. If you choose to leave the city, an interesting option is to join a community in an eco-village. This new kind of settlement is attuned to changes in the ecosystem of the 21st century, the threat of global warming and the search for new energy sources. Eco-villages are planned to be ecologically, socially and economically sustainable, and they are meant for small communities of 50 to 150 families. An ecovillage is a model of a physically and socially secure place that is attuned to nature and its time management. Living in an ecovillage can provide all your family's needs from the land without being dependent on the government or on other energy suppliers, while being able to develop your interests free from economic pressures. Intervals Thanks to my musical education I learned to distinguish the most important aspect of time management, without which the guidelines presented here are meaningless. The intervals between various time units in our lives enable us to identify and manage our time. It is easier to become aware of time intervals by listening to music, since time is the main characteristic of music. If you sing or play a wind instrument, you know that it is impossible to accomplish this without taking a breath between musical phrases. Listeners cannot enjoy music, understand it or even remember any part of it without the intervals between the sections and the melodies. Intervals, which we also measure in time units, shape the unique character of each musical style and they also enable us to take a breather between an endless succession of life events. Is there a better explanation for the stress that plays an integral part in our lives? Our culture overwhelms us with stimuli and never-ending demands, whether studying, working or enjoying time off. The electronic and printed media expose us to a constant flow of information. We are surrounded by sophisticated marketing strategies and commercial brainwashing that constantly tempt us to consume endless products and services. These constant and never-ending Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training stimuli influence our emotional process and create the stress that characterizes our way of life. This stress damages our health and shortens our lives, being truly beneficial only to those who seek to control us and manage our time for their benefit, whether they are governments, employers, manufacturers or services suppliers. In order to maintain the stress level and preserve the culture of consumption, governments and corporations allow us to continue function without breaking down through a series of pressure-releasing activities such as compulsory coffee and meal breaks at work, weekends, holidays and annual two or three-week vacations. It is worth noticing that these are in reality false breaks and days of rest, which rapidly fill up with alternative stimuli. Work breaks usually take place in crowded and noisy places that expose us to all kinds of stimuli (television, music, social gatherings and fast food); weekends are filled with exhausting shopping sprees and entertainments; holidays involve us in artificial ceremonies, whether domestic or public, loaded with commercial stimuli and our annual vacations are channeled into organized trips abroad or tourist resorts. The pressure-reducing options mentioned above, as well as the increasing number of workshops for dealing with stress, are based on Western medical thought, which advocates coping with problem only when they develop into illnesses or crises. Emotional Training suggests a different way, one that will enable you to prevent stress before it is created by regularly integrating intervals between the smallest time units in your life: Breathing. This is the shortest interval between time units, so it is not a coincidence that it serves as a basic technique for coping with stress. The more stressed we are, the less attention we pay to our breathing, which then becomes short and shallow. Becoming emotionally aware of your breathing processes will enable you to identify signs of stress and assuage them immediately by a few moments of deep breathing. By practicing this, you will feel generally better and more secure and you will be better able to avoid unnecessarily harmful responses. Chapter 10: The sixth skill – Time management Observing intervals. Each day you perform dozens or hundreds of minor successive activities, either out of habit or compulsion. Try to distinguish these various activities by briefly ceasing any kind of physical activity, using conscious breathing while reviewing the last activity and preparing for the next one. This can be done, for example, between finishing breakfast and starting to wash the dishes or when you finish a project or task at work and are about to start another one. This might seem difficult at first, since it will seem like a waste of time or a deviation from job requirements. But you will find that taking short breaks will improve your performance and save you time in the long run. Intervals for neutralizing stress. In order to prevent stress accumulating that will lead to crisis, it is worthwhile identifying from the start situations that pressure you and introducing intervals between them. It might seem difficult to cease activity due to the stress of being short of time, as it may seem that taking a break will make it worse. Actually, stress prevents you from focusing and being productive, so it is advisable to take a break when the pressure gets too much. Leave the area for 10 to 30 minutes, take a short walk in the park, sit quietly in a coffee shop or just have a rest. Try to identify the thoughts that are bothering you and put them aside, relaxing both mind and body. Manage built-in intervals. Be aware of the way you manage built-in intervals, such as work breaks or free time at home. Don't forget that superfluous stimuli are addictive, eventually causing us to forget how to rest, even for a short time, without listening to music, reading the newspaper, watching television, surfing the Net, eating or drinking. Try to manage built-in intervals by using part of them to totally relax your body and mind and the remainder to plan the time frame of the next activity. Intervals in your spare time, weekends, holidays and vacations. Cramming too much activity into these intervals leads us to manage our free time according to those stressful patterns that rule the rest of our lives. Try to devote part of any free time or vacation to foregoing any kind of activity Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training whatsoever. Set aside some time for just relaxing and doing nothing; distance yourself from the usual stimuli which surround you. Initiated intervals. When you lose the ability to manage time rationally, the best way to cope with stress is to take an initiated interval. In situations of temporary stress, withdraw for a short while and take a break in a quiet and relaxing place where there are no external stimuli. If the stress persists, take a day off and go to a different part of the country, where you can find quiet and avoid any activity. If the stress becomes constant, you might travel abroad for a long weekend, spending some time being a foreign tourist with no special plans. Observe the people and their culture and temporarily let go of your usual preoccupations and habits. Regular intervals. Take a few short breaks during the day, giving up all activity and thoughts, and being totally idle. Take an interval of a few hours every week, either for spending time on your own or for meeting someone you care about (a partner, friend or relative) for an informal chat. Learn to cease all ordinary activity every month or two and take a day off for relaxation and meditation. Integrate a few such days in your annual vacation, and spend some time walking, fishing or reading. Integrating intervals into your daily routine will help you improve your time management skill of distinguishing among various types of activities, thus preventing stress. Without initiated intervals for breathing and relaxing, we will not be able to manage our time efficiently. Coping with time management obstacles The emotional skill of time management, like all other emotional skills, is meant to create the sense of a safe place during any event or interaction in any given time unit in our lives. But efficient management does not mean that we can absolutely control time, so we Chapter 10: The sixth skill – Time management must be prepared for obstacles and deviations. These obstacles should be accepted as a fact of life. In the same way that we cannot change the fact of our mortality, but only learn to better cope with death anxiety, we cannot control all the factors that affect time management. We can only prepare them as much as possible. It is necessary to cope with three major types of errors and deviations from the time frame and be prepared for them: Misjudgments. We should keep in mind that we cannot anticipate the future and that our plans for managing the time of future events and interactions are only provisional scripts to help us cope with reality the best we can. We should be ready for unexpected changes. Keeping a broad security range between topics and determining security anchors will render us more capable of coping with misjudgments. Other people's deviations from the time frame. No matter how hard we try to coordinate a future time frame for a meeting with our partners, we cannot totally prevent mishaps or misunderstandings. The chances of these are greater when other people are involved because our own misjudgments are compounded by those of others. We should also assume that even if we have reached a clear agreement concerning the time management of the meeting, there is always the possibility of misunderstanding and ambiguity, increasing the likelihood of deviations from the time frame. We should be prepared for such a situation and accept it as part of shared time management. Determining time anchors may help us repair deviations in the course of the meeting, thus avoiding mutual animosity. Deviations caused by nature's time frame. Real-world time can always defeat our plans and expectations, and we mustn't forget that our ability to foresee actual events in the future is limited. As much as we attempt to attune ourselves to managing time management in reality, we should also be flexible and learn to effect rapid changes and re-attune ourselves to real-time changes. The more flexible we are, the more we will be able to adapt ourselves to change and accept reality as it is. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training The best tool for coping with obstacles and deviations in time management is awareness of our limitations in foreseeing the future. As part of our time management, we should allow for deviations from the time frame Activity: performing arts Every day for the past thirty years, I have played Bach's cello suites on my piano. I love the six cello suites - which were not originally meant to be played on the piano – so every decade I learn and practice one of them. Over the past few years, I have been playing the first two suites and practicing the third. I am fifty-seven years old, and I plan to go on learning and practicing these six suites for the next thirty years. Although I studied composition at a music academy, I am not a professional pianist. As a child I had a piano teacher for a year or so, and since then I have played only for my own enjoyment, without having any pretentions to greatness. Piano playing serves as my daily meditation. I learn each part of the suites by heart, and then I continue playing them every day. I listen to my playing and pay attention to slight nuances, thus achieving an even deeper understanding of this magnificent music. Playing the piano can serve as excellent daily practice of time management; it is also related to the other emotional skills. Music is a series of sounds played successively one after the other, in a fixed time frame. Playing the piano compels me to be aware of the time management of a particular piece of music, plan one step ahead, hear the whole piece in my inner ear before I start playing (like a narrative), set a goal and divide it into small time units, while attuning my playing to my present degree of concentration. Emotional awareness allows me to neutralize my mental activity while playing and concentrate on the music. Being able to play according to my plan, while following the composer's instructions regarding rhythm and tempo, imparts a feeling of achievement and security. Sometimes I take a break from playing Bach's cello suites for a short period or choose to add another composition to my repertoire. This year I chose to practice Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata. I had played the first movement thirty-five years ago, as part of my Chapter 10: The sixth skill – Time management acceptance audition for the music academy, and had no difficulty learning the second movement. But the demanding third movement is meant for professional pianists and seemed far beyond my poor technique. However, I have dedicated the past year to practicing this challenging selection. First I learned to play it slowly by heart, until the act of playing created a map of notes and finger movements in my brain and my hands could play it automatically. Step by step I accelerated the tempo until today, in 2011, I am capable of playing the whole piece at the original tempo as instructed by the composer. This process of becoming attuning to the time management of a complicated musical piece through gradual daily practice, to the point where its time management is under control, has created the sense of a safe place. It has also helped me comprehend that by regular practice I am able to define any goal I wish and achieve it. The performing arts are an excellent way of practicing time management. You could choose dance, theatre, magic, the circus or the opera. Music has the advantage of enabling you to play alone and practice without being dependent on other people. Everyone can easily learn to read music, which also affords good practice in managing time. If you have no experience in playing music, you could start with a recorder, which is a cheap and simple instrument and easily mastered in a short time. You can also choose singing, which does not involve any musical instrument. After learning to read music, you will have a huge repertoire to choose from, and even if you don't master this skill, you can listen to music and learn by imitation. Play or sing on a regular basis, and while doing so, pay attention to the emotional skill of time management, as well as other emotional skills: Select one musical piece for long-term practice. Choose a song or a musical composition which is not easy to play, one that will enable you to practice it every day for an extended period of time, tracking the slight nuances and improvements in your performance. Learn new pieces of music. Occasionally choose a song or composition that you can learn in a short time and practice it until you are able to perform it perfectly. This will expand your Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training playing or singing repertoire, thereby documenting your achievements. Define your goal. Set a time for learning and practicing the composition to the point where you are satisfied with your performance. Check your progress every day and attune your goal to your actual playing or singing ability. Divide the musical piece into sections. Musical pieces are usually divided into parts. Identify them and practice each one until you are satisfied. Try to determine the amount of time necessary for practicing each section of the piece. After you finish practicing one of the sections, play those that you already know; then continue on to practice the next one. Set a time frame. Decide on a fixed time for your daily practice session and how long you will play for. Listen while you play. When you sing or play a piece of music, try to observe the way you are playing as if you were listening to someone else. Regular practice will create a map of the music and your finger movements in your brain, so that the piece will appear to play itself. Tracking this process using emotional awareness will enable you to momentarily differentiate between listening to music and your body movements. Listen to your breathing and your body. While playing listen to your breathing and try relaxing your body. At various stages of effort or difficulty, you will observe that stress will contract or stiffen parts of your body. Try to identify what is taking place in your hands, your stomach, your vocal chords and your seated or standing position, and try relaxing your muscles. The performing arts are a perfect medium for practicing time management, since they are based on processes that take place in a fixed time, while the time frame is an integral part of the art form. Nevertheless, you can also practice the skill of time management in any other artistic or creative activity, such as painting, sculpture, pottery, knitting, carpentry or cooking. While engaging in any kind of creative activity, make sure to plan the time frame accurately and keep practicing on a daily basis. Contrary to romantic myths about creative and artistic activity being free of boundaries and motivated by Chapter 10: The sixth skill – Time management intuition and the "Muses", you will find that persistence, determination and time management are a much more effective path to fertile creativity. Daily practice of the performing arts, especially playing music or singing, will also improve your time management skills. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training Chapter 11 The seventh step: The emotional message The emotional message enables us to impart a sense of safety and continuity to our individual actions and interactions. The emotional message concludes an encounter, reviews its expectations and outcomes and positively states what is expected from the next meeting. Relaxation and guided imagery generate a positive physical message related to the emotional message, helping us immediately cope with unexpected crises. Thomas was a director and senior partner in a well-known advertising agency. I knew him from his numerous appearances on TV as a personal consultant to politicians and celebrities. He also appeared frequently as an interviewee who enjoyed airing his views on almost any subject. He was renowned for his ability to 'sell ice to the Eskimos', thanks to his original ideas and close personal contacts with top businessmen and politicians. When he first called me, he was not embarrassed to be known as someone who needed to cope with an emotional problem, and he was as charming and funny as he was in the talk shows where he often appeared as guest of honor. "I'll be very busy over the next two weeks," he said, "so I thought that maybe you and I could meet at the end of the month." I was available at that time, and two and a half weeks later he arrived punctually, a tall, lively man, just as he appeared on television, wearing an expensive light-colored suit and a black t-shirt, in order to dispel any sense of formality. "I assume that you know who I am," he started without further ado, "but I want to familiarize you with the background." For about half an hour he reviewed his work at the advertising agency, his relationships with his partners and workers, his special contacts with key figures in the media, the government, industry and the economy, and also his impressive academic background as a doctor of economics and literature and his contacts in the academic world. When he had finished, he sat quietly observing me, waiting for my response. I looked him in the eye and paused a few minutes before replying. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training "That's all very impressive," I said. "If this was a meeting where you were asking me to join your company, for example, it would be considered a great presentation. It could also serve as good background for a journalist wishing to write a cover story about you in a magazine or a writer who plans to write your biography. But I guess you came to me for other reasons. After all, you're not famous for being shy," I continued, "and I believe that if you wanted to tell me why you've come to see me, you would have already done so. But instead you informed me about a very wide network of personal relationships, that only a few people manage to establish in their lives. I also paid attention to some details that you chose to omit. You did not mention your family, your wife, your children, your parents or your friends. Did you come here asking me for advice about your business relationships? That would be very strange, since you are an expert in that field." Thomas seemed unusually tense while I was speaking, but now he burst out laughing, stood up and replied while walking towards the window and looking out. "You've surprised me," he said, regarding me, "and that's not so easy to do. You're right. I did prepare that presentation beforehand, to save some time and let you know what I'm all about. Now I see that it seems a bit strange that I didn't mention anything about my personal life. That's what those of your profession are usually interested in, and you probably want me to describe my childhood, my parents and my relationship with my wife and sons. But none of that is really relevant to what I came to talk to you about. It's not distress that's bothering me, but something closer to curiosity. I thought that maybe you could explain it to me." "So, why don't you tell me why you came to see me and what exactly you want me to explain?" I suggested. "Well, that's the whole problem," he said. "I can't phrase it, and it's hard to put my finger on it exactly. If there is something I'm good at, it's making contact and connecting with people." "Yes," I answered, "I know that." "Everyone knows that," he stopped for a minute, and then groaned, "and they're also ready to pay me a lot of money to do it. So why don't they like me?" Chapter 11: The seventh skill – The emotional message "What?" This took me unawares. It looked as if he was as surprised as I was. He sat down on the chair and covered his face with his hands. We both sat like that for a minute or two. "Don't you see?" he finally raised his eyes and looked at me, "I weep like a baby. I have a wonderful family, great kids and some good friends. I'm almost sixty, and you could say that I'm quite good at my job, and that I also enjoy it. So why do I feel such a failure in something that I'm so good at, namely, getting along with people?" "I have no idea what you're talking about," I replied. "Who dislikes you?" "Everybody," he whispered, "all those important people who pay me so much money to think for them and that make such an effort to get close to me. I know they appreciate me, but suddenly I've realized that they don't like me. It's the same with my employees, all the people who work for me. Maybe they admire me, which explains why I always get the 'Director of the Year' award, but they don't like me." "Our time is up," I announced, "so I suggest that we continue to discuss this at our next session." "OK," he said, and smiled as if nothing had happened in the past few minutes. He got up and left the room without saying a word. I sat there, speechless, watching the door he had slammed behind him. I continued sitting silently for a few minutes in the vacuum he had left behind him, and somehow I found myself thinking of Stanley, who had studied with me at grammar school. It was strange, since I had known Stanley for a very short time, and it was about forty-five years ago. He was not even my friend, although I really would have liked to have been his friend, since he was so popular with the kids, and even the teachers liked him. I felt lucky when he invited me to his house one day and showed me his books and games, and I thought that we would become friends. But a few days later he came to school and announced that his parents were taking him with them on a mission to Canada, and a week later he left, never to be seen again. I hadn't thought about him in all these years, and I didn't understand why he had suddenly popped into my head now. I decided not to worry about it, and let my free associations roam free. I trust my intuitions, and know that my brain has its own way of linking all the stimuli it needs Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training to identify and process a thought. When Thomas and I met a week later, there was no sign of the confusion that had been evident when we parted. He stormed in wearing a winning smile, shook my hand warmly and sat down. "I would like to apologize," he began, looking me in the eye. "I don't know what happened to me last week. That wasn't the first time that I've had a project fail, and in the past few months there have been a few like that, and I'm willing to take the blame for them. I'm not known as someone who's afraid of failure, and I well know that if you want to win, you have to fail now and again. But after so many years, even I can momentarily lose confidence. Maybe it's my age. I'm sorry I wasted your time. When I left here last week, I understood how silly I sounded, so I decided to accept an offer to run a 'business in literature' program at the university. I've committed myself for two years, and I hope it isn't a mistake." "I wish you the best of luck," I smiled to him. "That sounds great. I'm sure that you will invite lecturers that are top experts in the field, as you always do." "Thank you," he said, and hesitated for a moment. "I really appreciate it that you haven't referred to what I said last week and that you aren't trying to convince me to talk about it or consider my unconscious motives. I used to be interested in the connection between literature and psychoanalysis, and I was always searching for underlying explanations. But now I know that doing is much more important than understanding, and I think I'm capable of analyzing most of my dreams. When I left here last week, it was clear to me how childish it was to want everyone to like me. I have a wonderful family and a few good friends, and who needs more than that? In business you don't need love as much as trust and appreciation, and I have lots of that. I became irrational for a moment, and I'm sorry for wasting your time." "Don't apologize," I calmed him. "I also believe that doing is more important that understanding, and that's why I never talk about the mind. I believe that our emotions and intuitions are very efficient tools, and I'm glad that you know how to use them to cope with failure. When you said that the people with whom you work didn't like you, I felt that you had no intention of discussing it, and maybe had Chapter 11: The seventh skill – The emotional message not even processed it yourself. That is not a pleasant feeling, and it might arouse old traumas that are best forgotten. Contrary to Freud, I think that dealing with trauma might be dangerous. If you feel good about the way you manage your life, there's no need to look for problems that aren't bothering you." "Are you saying that I'm hiding something from myself?" he looked disturbed. "We all hide things from ourselves," I answered, "and that's our secret of survival. Our emotional process is usually proficient at guiding us without wasting time on thoughts that might upset us. It looks as though you know how to do that." "But…" he hesitated for a moment, uncharacteristically. "Don't you think that by the time you're sixty, you ought to try and understand your motives, and not only be satisfied with your worldly achievements?" "You have indeed reached the age of sixty," I responded, "but I don't believe that you are ready to retire, and you've just started a new academic career. If last week you would have asked me to help you understand your inner motives, I would have been glad to join you on that journey. But you came to see me because you had an unpleasant feeling that you couldn't put into words, and when you identified it without prior preparation, you became a bit confused, but you did know how to cope with it. I suggest that you leave it for a while, and if it happens again, we can try to understand it together. But there was something last week that did spark my curiosity. Can I ask you a personal question, which has no connection to why you came to see me?" "Sure," he said. "You already know some of my secrets, and I trust that your professional integrity would prevent you from disclosing them." "Did your parents serve for long periods abroad, and did you spend your childhood moving from one country to another?" "How did you know that?!" he jumped on his feet. "My father was a consul, and we spent considerable time traveling around the world. But it is more than thirty years since he decided that it was too much for him and left the Foreign Office to run the family business. I've never discussed this with anyone. How did you know?" Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training "I guessed," I smiled. "Actually, it would be more precise to say that I listened to my intuitions. When you left last week, I was stunned. We had conducted a very open and intimate talk, and then you suddenly left without saying a word, which was quite unusual." "Yes, that's my style," he groaned and smiled again. "It's part of the impression I make, and I've found that it creates a persona of power and determination. I like nurturing the image of someone who knows what he wants and doesn't waste time." "Maybe," I said, almost to myself. "But my associations were different. First I recalled a boy that had studied with me at grammar school more than forty years ago, who left in the middle of the year and went on a mission with his parents without any warning. I've never heard from him since. And then I remembered a friend who worked with me as a volunteer. We became very close; then she disappeared. She told me about her childhood abroad with her father, who was a diplomat, and it was the first time I had heard about the 'foreign-ministry syndrome'. It's characteristic of children who constantly move from one country to another, making new friends, and after a year or two having to depart and start all over again in another country. These children develop special skills of creating close relationships with others, and they also know how to disconnect themselves just as easily, with no visible after-effects. This enables them to survive their unique way of life, but sometimes they find it difficult to create stable, long-term relationships in later years." "That's incredible," he said as if to himself, sitting on the edge of his chair. "I didn't know that I was so easy to read, but actually that never occurred to me. I was known as a 'Don Juan' until I was thirtyfive, and if my wife hadn't insisted we get married, I would still be a bachelor. It also explains other things that have happened in my life. Maybe we should go on meeting together and discussing it?" he looked at me, almost pleadingly. "Maybe," I said. "But even if it's all true, it looks as though you owe some of your success to that very syndrome. Why don't we avoid a theoretical analysis of your life and instead try to understand your habit of abruptly ending encounters? The ability to end a meeting with a message that create a sense of safety for the other participants is important for any kind of relationship, and you've never developed Chapter 11: The seventh skill – The emotional message that skill due to your nomadic younger years. I guess that also links up with your special image and your intuition that people respect you, but don't like you. Would you like to try?" "You know what?" he said, "I would. I don't know what you really mean about a different way of ending a meeting, but it seems much more practical than analyzing my whole life. Let's start." "OK," I said, "but our time is over for today, so we'll begin next week." "All right," he said, standing up and leaving the room without saying a word. I counted to twenty, and greeted him with a smile when he opened the door and re-entered the room. "You bastard," he burst out laughing. "You knew that I would come back. But I'm a fast learner, as you can see. So, thanks for your help and see you next week." He shook my hand and left the room again. For the next three or four meetings, we practiced role play and discovered how Thomas ended various types of interactions: with his partners, with customers, with businessmen, with politicians, with journalists and with his students. This was not difficult or complicated to do, since Thomas had only one pattern of departing. At the end of each interaction, he would get up and leave the room without saying a word or making a physical gesture. For him this was obvious, and although he gave me his full cooperation, he didn't really understand the role of the emotional message at the end of each interaction. "I think I actually leave a very clear message," he said. "It's a message of precision and punctuality, efficient management and focusing on what's really important. What's wrong with that?" "You're right," I agreed. "This is your message. It says: I'm punctual. I'm an efficient manager. I only focus on important matters." "Yes," he said. "That's what I said. Why did you repeat it?" "To be precise," I said. "You said that you leave a message of punctuality, and I said that your message is that you are punctual. Do you see the difference?" "Yes," he replied. "What does it matter?" "It matters," I said, "because the message is not intended to express your principles. The message is an emotional skill whose purpose is to Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training create a sense of safety for both parties in an interaction. Your message relates only to yourself, and ignores the other side." "Are you saying that I only see myself?" he asked, "that I'm selfish?" "You could say that," I answered, "but I'm not interested in criticizing or judging you, but in helping you make better use of your emotional skill of creating a message to round off your interactions. We are usually interested in creating a sense of trust and safety for the other side, and I can help you learn and practice how to do that. But sometimes the goal is different. If you want other people to feel insecure and anxious, your way of doing things is perfect. This might be suitable for army commanders or dictators, although I believe that it is generally in our best interest to make other people feel secure with us. "And are you sure that the people who pay me so much money feel insecure with me?" "Let's check it out," I suggested. Now I asked him to switch roles, and we performed the same simulations again. He had to play the role of the other person, and I played his part. I found that hidden behind his fear of departures was considerable empathetic ability, but after practicing this for two sessions, he asked to stop. "OK," he said. "I get the idea. Let's go on. I can't understand why no one's pointed this out to me until now." "They have," I smiled. "And that's why you came to see me. They said it to you indirectly through an emotional message that you didn't know how to decipher. That's what you felt when you told me that people appreciate you, but don't like you. Trust, appreciation and love represent different degrees of safety that other people feel with you, and you're used to sending a double message. You know how to be sensitive and create relationships, but at the same time you deliver a remote and distancing message. Your feeling reflects the response you're getting to your double message, a combination of appreciation and apprehension." "Yes," he pondered. "That's an interesting explanation. Do you think it's possible to change these habits at my age?" "Of course I do," I replied. "But before we practice the skill of creating an emotional message, let's examine how you take leave of Chapter 11: The seventh skill – The emotional message your family and friends." "I've already told you that there's no problem there," he complained. "They know me and are confident that I love them." But I insisted, and we practiced together the way he said goodbye to his wife, children, parents and close friends. That's how we found out that although he was not so abrupt when he departed from the people close to him, he didn't know how to do that, either, so he played a passive role, letting others depart from him in their own way. He let his wife fix his tie and hug him before he left home in the morning, and he waited patiently while his children related what they needed from him during the day. He also listened quietly to his friends, who liked to be the ones to round off meetings with him before they left. Again, I asked him to switch roles, and by doing so he found out that he could practice and learn from the way other people took leave of him. For a few months we practiced the skill of formulating an emotional message, and he was an eager student, attempting to apply his new-found knowledge in everyday life. Every week we checked his messages and consulted together about other options that could broaden his repertoire. "You won't believe it," he told me one day, after we had been working together for about eight months. "Today we raised a toast for the holiday, and after I wished my partners a pleasant vacation, someone asked me about the 'workshop', and if there was any chance that I would send them to it as well. I had no idea what he was talking about, and then he added that they used to see me as an admired commander, but that lately I was behaving like a beloved father." "That's great news," I said, "and it means that our work here is finished." I then got up and left the room, as he had done at the end of our first meeting. When I re-entered the room, he hugged me and asked if I was prepared to conduct an Emotional Training seminar for his employees. The seventh emotional skill is phrasing an emotional message at the end of every interaction. The way we depart at the conclusion of a meeting, even if we do it abruptly and silently, as Thomas did, is a message that influences the sense of trust and safety experienced by Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training both sides. The emotional agreement is presented as a short message at the start of each interaction; it should also conclude every interaction. Using such an emotional message, we can summarize the meeting, review our expectations and generate a sense of continuity by relating to the next one. It is easy to learn how to formulate an emotional message in our encounters with others, and it is also worthwhile trying to create such a message when coming face to face with ourselves and with reality, thus strengthening our sense of a safe place in the world. The emotional message enables us to better demarcate a secure position in our lives and prevent a recurring feeling of 'unfinished business'. Practice: formulating an emotional message The skill of formulating an emotional message enables us to feel safe and secure when we end the interactions that create continuity in our lives. Effectively phrasing an emotional message at the end of each interaction enables us to conclude the meeting and continue safely on to the next interaction. In addition, it will help us create the continuous sense of a safe place. It is important to end the three types of interactions that occur in our lives with a clear message: Interactions with other people. Every day we meet many people, at times for a short time and at others for a long, preplanned meeting. As well as attempting to create a sense of safety for ourselves and for others at the beginning and during the course of the meeting, it is advisable to conclude it with an emotional message that sums up the interaction and enables all parties to maintain a sense of trust and safety until future meetings. The emotional message creates an ongoing sense of safety in our relationships with others. Interactions with ourselves. It is easy to end a meeting with others with an emotional message, since such interactions are based on conversations and verbal messages. It is harder to formulate such a message at the end of an interaction with Chapter 11: The seventh skill – The emotional message ourselves, but it is worth trying. Every day we perform many tasks by ourselves, and if we end each of them with a simple message to ourselves, either in our heads or in writing, we will improve the quality of our performance and our sense of safety. Interactions with reality. In addition to interactions with other people and with ourselves, we need to come face to face with reality several times a day. The uncertainty and changes in our environment give rise to anxiety, so if we learn how to end such interactions (involving the environment, the weather and the changes we observe) with an emotional message, it will be easier to cope with them and feel safe and secure. While emotional awareness precedes all other emotional skills, the emotional message concludes the whole process of Emotional Training, enabling us to review whether we are creating a safe place for ourselves and for others, while maintaining the continuity of practicing the other emotional skills. The emotional message involves a retrospective observation of how we practice our emotional skills with a prospective view of planning the next step. Thus, the emotional message serves as a selfcontrolled system for the practice of Emotional Training, and also as a tool for sharing it with others, thus widening the security net for them and for ourselves. A clear and concise emotional message, which we share with others in order to create the sense of a safe place for them, is a gift that strengthens relationships and trust. It is also a manifestation of empathic responses from others, thus assuring the survival of civilization. The emotional message is a self-controlled system tor the emotional skills and also a means of creating continuous and stable relationships with others. The emotional message and death anxiety Naturally death anxiety reveals itself in any departure or ending, but formulating an emotional message helps us identify this and replace it with the sense of a safe place. That is the essence of Emotional Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training Training. Death anxiety, which is a natural and obvious reaction to a real threat, can paralyze us and damage our ability to function efficiently. This explains why our emotional process is hidden from our everyday awareness, causing us to disregard it as much as possible. That is also the reason for our natural resistance to any interaction with or reference to death. But ignoring death does not cancel out death anxiety, and the more we hide it from ourselves, the more it continues to reveal itself through our reactions to anything that hints of an ending or a separation. Emotional Training is not meant to cancel out death anxiety, without which we would not be able to identify reality as it is, but to allow us to replace it with the sense of a safe place. Each of our emotional skills helps create the sense of a safe place, and they all find expression in the emotional message at the end of every action or interaction throughout our lives. When our emotional skills are less developed, and our ability to create the sense of a safe place lessens, our death anxiety increases, making it difficult to formulate an emotional message. This difficulty expresses itself in a rejection of any kind of ending by trying to avoid it, and also by postponing conclusions and decisions. This may express itself as postponing a breakup with an unsuitable partner, having difficulty completing a university degree or a final thesis, struggles with relocating or changing jobs or wasting time on long, drawn-out farewell ceremonies. The emotional message acts as software that influences the functioning of our brain and body, linking the separate time units or interactions that we regularly conduct. If we don't formulate an effective emotional message, death anxiety could damage the continuity and efficiency of our lives. The emotional message neutralizes the paralyzing effects of death anxiety. The emotional message and time management The emotional message is a direct sequel to the sixth emotional skill Chapter 11: The seventh skill – The emotional message of time management. While the skill of time management refers to planning each interaction or time unit in advance and controlling the progress of the meeting, the emotional skill of formulating an emotional message refers to the last moment of each interaction or time unit, and how it links up with future interactions. The emotional message is, therefore, a review of time management, a closure of the time unit and a link between it and the next one. Without the emotional message, our actions and interactions remain 'open-ended', and this can damage our emotional ability to create the sense of a safe place. The emotional message links the tiny time units of our lives. The emotional message and the emotional agreement Actually, the emotional message is a summing up of the emotional agreement. Just as we open each interaction with an emotional agreement, we also end it by referring briefly to the details of this agreement, noting the gap between prior expectations and the actual meeting, thus laying the foundation for a new agreement that will enable us to continue the relationship forward to future interactions. The emotional agreement is based on all the other emotional skills; we can actually observe them through its lens, thus examining and improving our Emotional Training. The emotional message checks the implementation of the emotional agreement and draws conclusions. False or fallacious emotional messages Towards the end of my military service, after the 1973 War, I was training young soldiers at a base in the desert, together with another sergeant who had undergone a similar military experience. In the few months of working together we became friends, and by means of black humor, we coped together with traumatic war memories. We were released from the army at the same time, and I did not hear from Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training him for another ten years. One day he called me, and I invited him to visit me in Jerusalem. We spent four or five hours exchanging memories of our military service and updating one another about our lives since then. Then he stood up, said goodbye and left the house without another word. Twenty years passed without a word from him, until he called again and filled me in about his life since our last meeting. I tried to ask him about his strange disappearance, but although he had no difficulty in sharing his feelings, he always did this as if he was objectively describing somebody else, not talking about his actual experiences. After that phone call, I didn't hear from him for a few years, until he sent me an e-mail a few months ago. Again we updated each other about the changes that had occurred in our lives, and although this time he did attempt to share his feelings with me, he disappeared again. This is an extreme case of someone who does not know how to formulate an emotional message at the end of an interaction, and thanks to A., it was made clear to me how important this emotional skill really is. We usually end any interaction with some kind of a message, but often it does not fulfill its purpose and serves as a false or fallacious message. There are various ways of formulating a false emotional message: Non-verbal messages Body language plays a central role in interpersonal communication. Many unspoken messages are transferred by imitation, eye contact and the tension or relaxation of parts of the body. We are so familiar with body language that we believe it can replace an essential common language that is constantly attuned to each action and interaction. Body language also plays an important role in ending an interaction. We take leave of others by shaking hands, making eye contact, smiling or patting each other on the shoulder, although we sometimes deliberately refrain from any physical contact. Saying goodbye by using body language is so tangible that we often substitute it for a verbal message. Satisfaction might be expressed by a broad smile and an affirmative nod. A business meeting might end with a firm handshake or by holding the other Chapter 11: The seventh skill – The emotional message party's hands in both of ours. Dissatisfaction can be expressed by a frozen countenance or a disappointed shake of the head or, by turning on our heels and leaving without a word. Trust and love can be conveyed by a firm hug or by kisses on both cheeks. But despite the tangible mode of departure conveyed by body language, such a message might fail us. It could happen that a loving father, who has regularly demonstrated physical affection, is informed by his thirty-year-old son that he never told him that he loved him. Ending an interaction with a non-verbal message is based on shared signals that are not attuned to a particular meeting, and therefore do not refer to its specific proceedings, content, expectations and disappointments, or to follow-up meetings. Such an ending does not meet the needs of an emotional message, so it serves as a false message that might disappoint us. Body language has an immediate impact, but it cannot replace the emotional message. Laconic messages I have a friend, an economist, who is accustomed to ending his meetings with a short sentence: "So what's the bottom line?" This appears to be a time-saving, efficient way of getting to the heart of the matter. It is also an appeal to the other party, asking him to summarize his point of view in regard to the main point of the meeting. But this forthright and accurate message, which is characteristic of managers and businessmen who are short of time, is not an emotional message, since it ignores the importance of creating a mutual sense of trust and safety. In many cases such a message might be interpreted as a critical, negative message that doesn't take into account the needs of the other party: "Don't waste my precious time with your stories. I remember very well what was said at our meeting, and I don't need your input. I have no interest in your expectations and emotions, and I'm waiting for an accurate answer relevant to my expectations of this meeting." Such a message does not create a sense of trust and safety, but rather conveys disrespect and disregard. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training Trying to shorten the emotional message in order to save time and avoid unpleasantness actually results in a lack of faith and creates a false message that does not fulfill its purpose. A short and firm summary of the meeting is not an emotional message. Messages of anxiety Inbal Perlmutter, a young rock star and soloist of the girl band, 'The Witches', used to take leave of her fellow musicians at the end of each rehearsal as if it was her last farewell. She ritually hugged and kissed them, one after the other, behaving like someone who was saying her last farewell. I guess it was no surprise to them that one day, at the end of 1997, when she was only twenty-six years old she crashed her car into a big tree and was killed. I don't know if she wanted to die, but there is a kind of self-prophecy in the death of someone who always seems prepared for it. There was no emotional message in Inbal Perlmutter's departure ritual, and it lacked any reference to the end of the rehearsal. It was an extreme message, an act of defiance against death anxiety, like a paraphrase of the famous saying, "If you can't beat him (death), join him." That is, of course, an extreme example of an anxiety-ridden message, whose purpose was to cope with death anxiety at the end of each interaction. Most people wouldn't choose such an extreme ritual to express their death anxiety, but in many cases such messages take the form of a kind of black humor, especially at times of war or terror: "Well, it was nice meeting you, and I hope there will be another opportunity to see you again," or 'It was great seeing you. I wouldn't want to die without knowing that there was someone like you in the world," or "Call me next week, and if we're both alive, we can meet and discuss it." Such messages constitute an attempt to cope with death anxiety, but actually they increase and exacerbate it. They do not refer to the interaction at hand, and they do not serve the purpose of an emotional message. Chapter 11: The seventh skill – The emotional message Expressing anxiety at the end of a meeting damages the emotional message. Ambiguous messages We naturally end our interactions with some kind of message, and the less competent we are at formulating an emotional message, the more ambiguous it will be. An ambiguous message is partial and inconsistent, lacking necessary components or contradicting itself. An ambiguous message at the end of a job interview may sound like this: "Yes, I understand that you have experience in marketing, but you've never managed a big team. Your references are excellent, and we need someone like you. A suitable position will be vacant soon, but I don't know when. I suggest that you call me again in about three weeks." Such a message does not create a sense of trust and safety, but leaves the applicant confused: "What did he mean? Is my experience suitable for the job or not? Is there a chance that I'll get the job, or is this still uncertain? Why do I have to call him?" Apart from being ambiguous and contradictory, this message lacks any reference to the interviewee, his feelings and fears, his expectations of getting the job and his terms and conditions. An ambiguous message increases a natural sense of anxiety at the end of any kind of interaction, and in the case of children, it might even be dangerous. Ambiguous messages might create anxiety patterns in children and might also damage their ability to create relationships based on trust, increase their tendency to anxiety and damage their ability to cope with trauma. Ambiguity creates anxiety, so one should avoid ambiguous emotional messages. A message of postponement In many cases, our fear of endings causes us to attempt to delay the emotional message, instead ending the meeting with a message of postponement. For example: "I feel that we still have a lot to talk Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training about, and it's getting late, so let's talk next week and meet again," or "It was such fun, and I really don't want to stop now, so what do you say we meet again on Wednesday? I'll call you in a day or two," or "That was really fascinating, but I feel that I'm a little overwhelmed now and need to digest it. So let's stop now, and continue another time." Such statements are not emotional messages, since they do not refer to the expectations of both sides, the pre-contract, and they do not create a sense of trust and safety. On the contrary, postponing the conclusion of an interaction gives rise to a sense of 'unfinished business', while this attempt at preventing death anxiety actually emphasizes it, leaving both sides feeling uneasy. Messages of postponement are fallacious and unsatisfactory, since instead of improving a relationship, they delay it and stunt its growth. A message that postpones the summation of the meeting is a false message. Guidelines for formulating an emotional message Stephen was an ardent communist in a world in which communism had been almost forgotten. His father had left him a small diamondpolishing workshop, which enabled him to live a comfortable life, but it was hard for him to be labeled a capitalist. That was his motive for contacting me. "I can understand why it's so hard for you," I said. "I also find it hard to understand how you can still be a communist at this time in history, when communism no longer exists, and all the attempts to apply it have failed." "You're absolutely right," he smiled at me like someone who was used to such a response. "I never blindly followed Stalin or Lenin, and I didn't believe that it was right to force communism on the masses. But I still believe that all people are born equal, and that if we all shared the world's resources, it would be a better place. Indeed, capitalism hasn't collapsed yet, but you can look around and see that the ecological damage perpetrated by materialism and consumption is far more dangerous than any damage that was done by the most Chapter 11: The seventh skill – The emotional message extreme communists." "So why don't you sell your diamond-polishing workshop?" I asked. "I can't," he said sadly. "My father invested his whole life in this enterprise, and our six devoted workers are like members of the family. No one will take care of them and pay them a decent salary if I sell it." "In that case you're not a true capitalist," I said, "since you take care of your employees and pay them higher wages than other employers." "Yes," he sighed, "but it's still a problem for me. I suggested that we turn the business into a cooperative, so that we would all be equal partners, but this made them angry. 'If your father heard about it,' they said, 'he would turn over in his grave.' And they were right. My father treated them as though they were his sons, until we all became one big happy family. When I was still a child, he used to take me to the workshop, and every evening I used to go and pick him up, participating beforehand in the closure ceremony." "Ceremony?" I was surprised. "What ceremony?" "My father was a religious man," Stephen told me. "He managed to escape from the camps after the Nazis exterminated his whole family, but this did not make him bitter or angry. He composed a special prayer and every evening at the end of the workday, he used to gather his workers together and they would all thank God for the day that was ending. It was a very special prayer. He used to start off with a standard version: 'I thank Thee, oh God, for all you have given us, for the inspiration Thou hast given us and for all the good things in Thy world. Thank Thee for letting us earn our living with honor.' Then he would say: 'Thank Thee, God, for these good people whom you sent to work with me and for the work we accomplished today, and also for the work that we did not finish and will complete tomorrow.' And then each of the employees would add his personal sentiments and give thanks for something good that had happened to him during the day. He had also composed a simple melody for his prayer, and we all joined in with him." "You participated in the prayer?" I couldn't hide my astonishment. "I thought you were a communist." Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training "I am a communist," said Stephen, "and I didn't pray to God. Instead I thanked nature and the world for all the good things it gave us. My father knew that I didn't believe in God, and he never demanded of me to do so. That prayer was the most precious gift he left me, and every evening I still pray with my employees, as he used to do when he was alive." I was moved by Stephen's story about his father and there were tears in my eyes. I asked him to share his prayer with me, and from that day forward, we always ended our meetings with it, and I thanked him for sharing this unique emotional message with me and helping me understand the positive role of prayer. "I have to tell you," he said after four or five sessions, in which he told me about his life and especially about missing his father. "You surprised me when you wanted to take part in my father's prayer. I've never recited it outside of the workshop, and it was my father's legacy, from which I felt I couldn't deviate. But now I understand that that's the real reason I don't want to sell the business. I also understand that I can run a business without being a capitalist, since I've always given my money away to people who needed it, and I don't accumulate capital at other people's expense. I think that I've always wanted to preserve the prayer, which my father left me and taught me to share with others. And now, after sharing it with you, I can see that sharing my father's immaterial heritage with others is my communist destiny." That was an appropriate moment to discontinue our meetings. I met him again a year later, when he came to visit me and brought me a wooden plate, which was embedded with a small diamond and engraved with his father's prayer. He told me that he donated such plates to small factories, and that he taught the owners to end their working day with his father's prayer. The news of the miraculous prayer that improved labor relations and increased productivity had spread by word of mouth and Stephen did his best to end business conferences with the prayer. Stephen's father's prayer is an excellent example of an emotional message that includes permanent ceremonial and variable elements that are attuned to each action and interaction. The following list of guidelines includes the features of an effective emotional message. It Chapter 11: The seventh skill – The emotional message is advisable to practice all of them until you learn to formulate them intuitively and concisely. First, practice the phrasing of the emotional message by writing it down according to the guidelines. Then, when you complete an action or an interaction, you can choose to express only those elements that are relevant. Refer to the emotional agreement The emotional message that concludes an interaction should reflect the emotional agreement with which you opened the meeting. It should refer to whether or not you succeeded in realizing this agreement. First try identifying the emotional skills that come to expression through the emotional agreement: Emotional awareness. Refer to your own and your interlocutor's emotions as they were at the beginning of the meeting, and to changes that occurred in them during the interaction: "I was hesitant to talk to you about it, although you were open and attentive. I'm glad that we succeeded in breaking the ice between us." Common language. Enumerate the terms on which the meeting was based and the way you coped with misunderstandings during the interaction: "We met in order to prepare the lecture for tomorrow, but I'm glad you made it clear that you wanted each of us to prepare one part of the lecture." Emotional tools. Describe the meeting in regard to whether you listened empathetically: "It wasn't easy for me to hear about your accident, but I'm glad I had the opportunity to listen to your account of it and become acquainted with another side of you." Coordination of expectations. Describe briefly how you coordinated what you both expected from the meeting: "We had also planned to prepare the menu for the party, but the rain changed our plans." A physically safe place. Describe the location where the meeting took place and how secure you felt: "We met at the coffee-shop near your office, but it was very noisy, so I'm glad Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training we moved to the conference room, so that we could talk without interruption." Time management. Describe the atmosphere you wished to create during the meeting: "I really wanted us to talk about it and relieve the sense of tension we've felt between us lately." Now briefly phrase the essence of the emotional agreement. Remember that your role is to describe it, without criticizing or judging: The goal of the meeting. Present the meeting's main goal and how you achieved it: "We agreed to go out and buy you a pair of trousers, but we came back with six shirts." The needs of both sides: Refer to your emotional needs and those of the other side: "I really wanted us to spend some time alone without the children, and I know how difficult it was for you to leave them at home and turn off your cell phone." Planning the meeting. Describe how you agreed to manage the agenda of the meeting: "We planned to spend five minutes on each case, but we forgot that we also had letters to write." Limitations and deviations from the agreement. Note the limitations you were aware of before the meeting and the deviations from the agreement during the meeting: "We knew that if Veronica came, we would have to stop the meeting, but we didn't expect her to say that she wanted to stay and participate." Renew the emotional agreement. Relate to how the emotional agreement contributed to the meeting's success and rephrase it so that it could serve for future meetings: "I feel it was a good meeting, so let's do it again, but let's meet at a much quieter location." After practicing various aspects of the emotional agreement, try to sum it up it in one short sentence that can be integrated in the emotional message. For example: "We met today to plan our annual vacation, which each of us had imagined differently. It was good to realize that we can still go out and enjoy ourselves in nature after so Chapter 11: The seventh skill – The emotional message many years of marriage, although we didn't finish planning our vacation." Describe preliminary expectations Our expectations concerning the planning of the meeting, which is part of the emotional agreement, are different from what we expect from the people we are going to meet. Frequently we are not aware of these expectations, and many disappointments occur if we do not openly express them. In order to identify your previous expectations, it is necessary to exercise emotional awareness. Try to check your values, your personal narrative and the way you felt during previous meetings: General expectations from other people. Describe your relationship with the other person and your general expectations from him or her: "We've known one another for fifteen years, so I thought that I could get through this with you." General expectations from yourself. Try to express your personal values in relation to the meeting, and your expectations in light of these values: "You know that I never reveal other people's secrets. I didn't mean to expose Renée's at our meeting." Your expectations from the meeting. Phrase the expectations you had from the meeting, in addition to its declared goal: "We met today to discuss the changes in the Board of Directors, but deep down I hoped that you would apologize for what happened yesterday." The other side's expectations from the meeting. Describe your interpretation of the other side's expectations retroactively, as they appear to you at the end of the meeting: "Now I see that all you wanted from me was to keep quiet and listen to you, without making comments or suggestions." Now try to formulate concisely your expectations at the beginning of the meeting. For example: "I knew that I could trust you, and that you would know how to listen to me and offer supervision in this matter, although today you wanted to discuss your department." Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training Express emotional difficulties and disappointments Naturally there are unpleasant moments or disappointments due to expectations that were not realized at the meeting. Such feelings, even if you knew how to by-pass them during the meeting, might appear again in the future and damage the relationship. The emotional message is an opportunity to express whatever emotional upsets occurred during the meeting and neutralize them. Briefly describe the unpleasant feelings that you experienced during the meeting, attempting to do this in a positive way that will not generate tension or conflict and that will not be a waste of time: "I felt uncomfortable when you ignored my request to let Norman join us in making this decision, but I understand that my request may have been badly timed and that our meeting was not the appropriate place to discuss it." Indicate positive feelings generated at the meeting The emotional message is meant to create a sense of trust and safety for both sides, and there is no better way of doing this than describing your positive feelings during the meeting. Review the course of the meeting, and choose one or two elements that gave you a positive feeling. Check if this was also true for the other side: Feelings related to empathy and listening. Try and remember what was said by the other side that made you feel comfortable: "I was really moved to learn that you remembered what I said to you at our first meeting. You are such a good listener." Feelings related to the personality of the other side. Describe a general positive feeling and try connecting it to the other side's good qualities: "Although we had to make difficult decisions today, I felt relaxed, and the meeting went well, thanks to your positive point of view and sense of humor." Describe your partner's contribution to the meeting. Refer to the goals of the meeting and describe how the other side contributed to their realization: "I feel we've succeeded in Chapter 11: The seventh skill – The emotional message solving this problem, especially thanks to your experience and broad perspective." Formulate your expectations from future meetings The emotional message forms a bridge between the meeting that has just ended and future meetings, so it should include your expectations from those yet to come. Even if the actual encounter is one of a series of planned meetings, and even if a date has been set for the next meeting, do not hesitate to express your precise expectations from the next meeting, referring to its explicit goals. Avoid generalizations. Generalizations or vague statements like "I'm looking forward to our next meeting," or "I'll call you soon to talk about our next meeting" are false messages that create unpleasantness and insecurity. Indicate the exact time and location of the next meeting: "So, I'll meet you for two hours next Monday at ten o'clock in your office." Define the goal of the next meeting. Don't leave loose ends. Define the exact goal and content of the meeting: "I would like to continue discussing this, but I would be glad if next time we could focus on talking about the children, only getting back to the other matter if there is any time left." Leave room for change. Enable the other side to participate in planning the next meeting, and set an exact time for a phone call to finalize it: "Let's talk about this again on Friday, so that we can decide exactly what we are going to talk about at the next meeting." Conclude with a positive message, both verbal and physical At the end of the 19th century a French pharmacist named Emil Coué discovered the advantages of auto-suggestion. He discovered that a general positive message can influence brain and body activity and strengthen the immune system. He helped tens of thousands of people cope with emotional and physical difficulties by reiterating a simple positive message. Studies in recent years have reinforced Coué's Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training assumptions; as a result, new approaches based on positive psychology and positive medicine have been developed. By concluding your emotional message with a short positive message, you and your partner will leave the meeting with a good feeling. This will also improve the sense of trust and safety in your relationship. Any positive message has a beneficial influence, regardless of the message's content or authenticity. A positive message expresses good will and generates a positive image that can influence both your own and your partner's personal narrative. Review the meeting that has just finished and relate to its features through a positive message: Your feelings during the meeting. Emphasize your positive feelings during the meeting: "It was really great meeting you. We had such a pleasant conversation filled with interesting insights, and I so enjoyed our time together!" The other side's positive characteristics. Acknowledge the other side's contribution to the meeting: "Our meetings are always so interesting. You have such an original way of thinking and I always learn a lot from you." The positive aspects of the location. You can relate to the advantages of the place where you met: "What a nice place this is! It's so quiet and pleasant and they have such good coffee. I hope we meet here again soon." Improving the relationship. Relate to the meeting as an option for improving the relationship: "We must do this again soon. Whenever we meet, I realize how much this relationship means to me and how much I love meeting you." Relate to the content of the meeting. Describe the contribution made by the discussion: "Our conversation today opened up a new world for me, and thanks to you, I discovered that I've still got a lot to learn. Thank you." It is important to reinforce the positive message with body language that expresses a similar sense of support and affection: a smile, eye contact, the touch of a hand or a pat on the shoulder, a hug or a kiss. It is important to be sensitive to the other side's needs and avoid using Chapter 11: The seventh skill – The emotional message body language that could overstep the line due to beliefs and habits. Document the emotional message In order to strengthen the emotional message, write a short account of it immediately after the meeting and send it by regular mail or by e-mail to the other side. A written message has unique qualities that render it more effective than a verbal one. Examples of creating emotional messages After continued practice of the various aspects of creating an emotional message, thus widening your repertoire, you will be able to conclude every interaction with a short emotional message that includes only elements that are relevant to that particular interaction. The following are examples of messages that are appropriate for different types of interactions. Emotional messages for concluding social gatherings Our social relationships serve as a security net, so creating bonds of trust with other people enhances our sense of a safe place. We maintain social relationships by meeting friends and we improve them through an appropriate emotional message at the conclusion of every encounter. Rachel and Carmela were childhood friends, and after they both got married, they continued meeting on a weekly basis at a coffeeshop in order to share the events of the past week, their relationship with their husbands and children and their work. Their last meeting had been delayed because Rachel was obliged to take her son to the dentist. When they eventually met, they discussed Carmela's options for job promotion. This was Rachel's emotional message at the end of the meeting: "I'm sorry for having to change the time of our meeting, and I'm happy that you could come today. I don't want to give up on our weekly meetings. This time we didn't have enough time to talk about ourselves, and I missed that, but I'm glad you shared your thoughts with me and I hope you get the new job. I really love your new shoes. You look gorgeous. Let's meet again next week at Café Benedict. I Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training have something to share with you." She hugged and kissed her friend before they parted Rachel's emotional message focused on the permanent and variable aspects of the meeting: Changing the time of the meeting. Rachel related to changing the time of the meeting, which could create unpleasantness, even if it was consensual. She took responsibility for the change and thanked her friend for being prepared to meet her on another day. Changing the content of the meeting. She talked about her disappointment at skipping the ritual of reviewing what was new with them, but acknowledged that listening to Carmela's professional conflicts was more pressing. Personal attention. In spite of the changes that had occurred in the meeting, Rachel did not forget to refer to her friend's appearance, compliment her on what she was wearing and reaffirm the importance of their friendship. Renewing expectations. At the end of her message, Rachel renewed their agreement and fixed a time for the next meeting. Emotional messages ending a couple's encounter We meet our partners many times every day, sometimes for a casual meeting, sometimes for a planned one. It is easy to forget the importance of an emotional message at the end of such frequent encounters, since it is hard to formulate a new message so many times a day without sounding repetitive, boring and banal. Thus we work on the assumption that our message is obvious, even if we don't express it verbally. But the emotional message is never obvious, especially in intimate relationships. Therefore, it is important to reformulate it at each interaction, thus renewing the sense of trust and safety in the relationship. Rona and Dan had been married for five years, and since the birth of their two children, they found it hard to find any spare time for a quiet, intimate meeting. So they developed their own way of Chapter 11: The seventh skill – The emotional message maintaining their relationship through brief and humoristic emotional messages that they exchange whenever they met. For example: "It's so good to meet you here. Do you live in the neighborhood? Since you gave birth you are even more beautiful. Can we go out on a date one day?" or "Thank you for breakfast, my beautiful chef. The pancakes were a great idea. If I were not married to you, I would try to seduce you right here on the kitchen table. Shall we meet again for dinner?" These brief humorous messages express feelings of love and affection that are constantly reinforced, and also relate to the hard work of parenting and the changes that the birth of children introduce into the life of a couple. The intimate and sexual cues refer to difficulties in finding time for intimacy, and they help fan the flame of passion in a marriage. Once a week Dan and Rona left the children with Rona's mother and went to a health club. There they spent over an hour in the Jacuzzi and the sauna, enjoying being together and having an intimate conversation. Then they massaged one another. Dan concluded their last meeting with this emotional message: "I'm always surprised that we manage to meet on a weekly basis in the midst of so much stress and work, and it's great to remember what a wonderful partner you are and how much I love you. I'm glad that we discussed the children's bedtime, and you were right. We should both pitch in. It was fun being here with you today. Why don't we make it a bit longer next week, and have dinner at a restaurant?" Dan's emotional message linked their series of weekly meetings to their everyday life: Life routine. Dan related to their everyday burdens at home, at work and with the children, and appreciated their efforts to maintain their weekly ritual. Renewing the emotional love agreement. In a few words, Dan described their weekly meeting as an act of renewing their emotional agreement as a couple on the basis of love, the ultimate safe place. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training Relating to the content of the meeting. Dan concluded the topic which they had discussed during their meeting, the children's bedtime, accepting Rona's suggestion. A positive message. In a few words Dan expressed his satisfaction with his weekly meeting with Rona. Coordination of expectations for the next meeting. Dan expressed his expectations regarding their next encounter and also revitalized it by suggesting rounding off the next one by eating out at a restaurant. An emotional message to end a business meetings Even if we are not in business, we sometimes take part in business meetings related to employment, savings, insurance or buying or selling property. Apart from the matter at hand and the proclaimed goal of the meeting, it is important to create trust and a sense of safety during such interactions. Just as we must integrate an emotional agreement in a business contract, we should also end every business meeting with an emotional message. Joshua was invited one day to meet the bank manager of the branch where he kept his savings and accounts. He was sixty years old, and worked as an engineer in a large architects' office. He did not like dealing with money matters, and the invitation to the bank aroused his anxiety. He was worried that there might be a problem with his mortgage payments or his overdraft approval. The manager was a wise, sensitive man, and when Joshua entered the room, he immediately realized his mistake in not explaining the purpose of the invitation when he had phoned. He calmed Joshua down, offered him a cup of coffee and explained that as a valued customer, he was eligible for advice in planning his retirement and joining the bank's special saving plan. The manager ended the meeting with an emotional message that enabled Joshua to leave in the right spirit, with his fears assuaged: "I apologize for not explaining the purpose of this meeting when I phoned. I sometimes forget that there are people who don't enjoy dealing with money matters. Our bank has decided to focus on our retired customers, so we regularly offer our help to clients that are over sixty in preparing for retirement and getting ready for prospective changes. You have some years ahead of Chapter 11: The seventh skill – The emotional message you before you retire and I understand that you might feel uncertain about joining any additional savings plan. So think it over, and consult us at any time free of charge. I'm glad we met today, as I feel that I've gotten to know you better. Whenever you visit our branch, drop in for a cup of coffee with me." The branch manager knew how to attune his emotional message to Joshua's needs and limitations, without neglecting his business message: Empathy. The manager instantly identified Joshua's anxiety and knew how to reflect it in his emotional message. Personal responsibility. He understood that he had made a mistake by not explaining the purpose of the meeting beforehand, and he knew how to apologize. Business message. He knew how to cope with Joshua's fears and how to integrate a business message in the emotional message at the end of the meeting. Emotional awareness. The manager was aware of Joshua's emotional responses, so he did not push him to join the bank's saving plan, enabling him to join it later. Positive message and coordination of expectations. The bank manager succeeded in ending the meeting on a positive note and he also invited his customer to meet him again in future without obligation, as if it were a social encounter. An emotional message to end a superficial meeting Our lives are filled with meeting people who are not close friends or relatives and do not share a common language with us. In our daily round, we encounter shopkeepers, bus drivers, coffee-shop waitresses and librarians. The way we interact with these people can influence our lives and our mood, making it important to begin these meetings with a short emotional agreement and also to end them with an emotional message, causing them to be as pleasant and secure as possible. Elisabeth always did her weekly shopping at a small grocery shop at the end of the street. Leonid, the place's owner, had emigrated from Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training Russia many years before, but still had a heavy Russian accent and always repeated the same off-color jokes and comments about the political situation. Elisabeth did not enjoy his jokes or comments, but she always knew how to stop him and finish her shopping quickly and in the right spirit. Her emotional message combined determination and consideration: "Thank you, Leonid. You know that I have no sense of humor. I'm glad you ordered the olives, as I asked you. I know that you're worried about the new supermarket, but I'm sure that those of us who have been shopping here for so many years won't desert you. You can order another two jars for me, and I'll pick them up next week." This is a very simple and unequivocal message. Elisabeth emphasized that she was not interested in Leonid's jokes, but she also thanked him for the small service he had done for her. She promised to continue being his customer and diminished his fears regarding the new supermarket. She also created a sense of continuity. An emotional message written on a personal calendar Every day you come face to face with yourself in the course of the many activities you engage in. You work, clean the house, take a rest and take part in physical activities. As you write down your planned activities on your personal calendar you can also add an emotional message that sums up your feelings when you conclude these activities. For example: "I went to sleep late last night, and when I woke up in the morning, I was too tired to go jogging. Nevertheless I made the effort and went out for a run, and while running I thought about the meeting at the office that was worrying me, and suddenly I could see a clear solution to the problem. I'm so happy that I go out jogging early in the morning. It's the best way to start the day." An emotional message written in a daily journal If you keep a personal diary, there are many advantages to adding an emotional message at the end of each day before bedtime. Such a message summarizes the events of the day, clarifies any emotional issues that were involved and enables you to take note of what was Chapter 11: The seventh skill – The emotional message neglected and tie up loose ends. It can also help you differentiate between yesterday's events and tomorrow's upcoming ones, making the transition smoother and easier. For example: "I'm so happy that this day is almost over. Nothing happened according to plan, and actually, when I think about it, I didn't really have any fixed plan. I drove for almost four hours until I escaped from the traffic jam and reached Bristol, and only then did I find out that the meeting had been canceled. I thought I should go and visit my uncle Jacob, whom I hadn't seen for years, but it was a big mistake. For almost two hours he grilled me about my life and my career, and didn't stop reminding me about all the 'mistakes' I had made and boasting about his successful son, who I haven't spoken to in ten years. I decided to go down to the sea and walk on the promenade for a while, but the seashore was filthy and the people on the benches all looked like criminals or drug dealers. I walked for ages until I found a tearoom, but I had to wait for half an hour until a tired waitress brought me a pot of weak, lukewarm tea. I decided to go home via the old road in order to bypass the traffic jams on the highway, but I couldn't since they were doing road works there. I arrived home late, tired and disappointed. But in spite of all that, there were some bright spots during this lousy day. On my way back I thought about all my other spontaneous decisions that had ended badly, and I could recall feeling like that on other occasions. I realized that maybe I don't know how to be spontaneous, and that it might be a beneficial experience for me to occasionally 'get lost' for a little while in an unfamiliar city, opening myself up to other options without any goals or expectations. I've decided that every Tuesday, when I close the office early, I'll take a walk in an unfamiliar part of town. It will be a kind of adventure. Maybe something good did come out of this day after all." Such an emotional message at the end of every day enables us to review the emotional processes we underwent from a different, more secure vantage point than when we were actually experiencing them. This could help us interpret the events of the day differently, learn from our experience and be prepared for the future. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training A written emotional message I spend many hours daily writing, and I have tried my hand at a variety of genres that have resulted in dozens of books for children and adults, including essays and professional books on psychotherapy. I used to spend a lot of time writing letters, but nowadays I use electronic mail. That is how I discovered the importance of adding an emotional message at the end of each written passage. Every written text is a meeting place between writer and reader, and through the emotional skills, authors can create trust and the sense of a safe place for their readers. Therefore, it is important to end every chapter with an emotional message that sums up its content and the emotional processes elicited by it, preparing the reader for the next section. This might seem superficial, but professional writers know how to do it in various ways. In literature it is done through latent messages that are integrated into the text and provoke unconscious emotions. In less complicated texts, such as legends or fables, the emotional message is expressed as a moral or a lesson. In theoretical or professional writing, it is conventional to end every chapter with a short summary or conclusion. In this book I originally concluded every chapter with a short emotional message, but when I had finished writing it, I decided to move the message to the beginning of each chapter so that it could serve to integrate the emotional agreement with the emotional message and clarify the content further. Even people who are not authors often express themselves in writing, thus it is important to learn how to integrate an emotional message in any piece of writing. Such a message should relate to the feelings of both the writer and the recipient. It is important to integrate an emotional message in everything we write, including letters, emails, school essays or university theses, formal letters, business plans, even notes that we leave for our children on the refrigerator! Activity: Relaxation and guided imagery The emotional message enables us to influence brain and body activity through positive images. Physical relaxation is a simple and effective Chapter 11: The seventh skill – The emotional message way of decreasing anxiety and increasing our sense of safety by using positive images that influence our physical well-being. Constantly practicing relaxation through guided imagery will also help you practice integrating an emotional message As integrated into the last emotional skill, relaxation means continuing to practice breathing, which is also a component of emotional awareness, the first emotional skill. It is worthwhile forming a connection between relaxation and breathing, thereby creating an associative link between the first and last emotional skills, assuring the continuity of the emotional process. Relaxation exercises are effective in stressful situations, as they enable us to relax our muscles, slow down our heart rhythm and to lower our blood pressure. The physical change resulting from relaxation also lessens symptoms of anxiety and gives us control over our emotions. Many years ago, while studying psychotherapy in London, I joined a seven-day 'Gestalt in Nature' seminar in northern England's Lake District. There, in one of the most beautiful locations I have ever seen, I found that nature itself provides us with irreplaceable relaxation techniques. Walking along the streams that flowed down the hills to the sparkling lakes surrounded by verdant flora, was better than any therapy I had ever learned about or experienced. During the seminar everyone was asked to find a place where they felt relaxed and safe. I stood barefoot on a large rock in a stream, listening to the sound of the water and the whisper of the wind in the trees, and witnessed a rare sight: a red squirrel, one of only a few still existent in England, climbed up a tree on the right bank of the stream and jumped over to a tree on the left bank. The sense of tranquility and relaxation I felt at that moment is still engraved in my memory, and I carry its image with me always. A little while later, during one of my vacations, I spent many hours undergoing complicated dental treatment in Jerusalem. From childhood I would feel anxious for a week before any dental treatment. I also recalled that during the war in Sinai, an enemy fighter plane swooped down and machine-gunned us. I believed that I was going to die, comforting myself with the thought that I would never have to sit in a dentist's chair again. This time, while my dentist Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training prepared to treat me, he looked over at me and asked what had happened. I didn't know what he was referring to until he explained that he was used to seeing me all tensed up in the chair, waiting for my anesthetic injection. Only then did I realize how relaxed I was feeling due to closing my eyes and imagining myself sitting on a rock in a stream in the Lake District. That was the first occasion when I hardly felt a thing during dental treatment. On that occasion I first discovered the power of relaxation and positive imagery. Try practicing the following series of relaxation exercises according to the order in which they are presented. This routine is based on techniques that I learned and practiced on myself, but you may come up with other elements and integrate them. Practicing in this way will allow you to conjure up a physical image of relaxation that can easily be reproduced in any situation, helping you relax and decrease your anxiety level. You can record the following instructions on tape in a slow, quiet, rhythmic and monotonous voice, or ask someone else to read them to you while you practice relaxation. Breathing Start relaxing by doing the simple breathing exercises that I described in the chapter concerning the first emotional skill. Sit on a straightbacked chair or lie comfortably on your back, with your whole body relaxed and free of tension. Be aware of your breathing but don't change it. Try listening to your breathing and observing it, as though you were somebody else. Notice if you inhale through your nose or mouth, notice the air entering your throat on the way to your lungs, and the way you exhale it out of your body. While you breathe, notice how breathing affects your body. Try and identify the parts of your body that feel comfortable and relaxed and the parts that feel uneasy. Try and relax the uncomfortable parts. Gradually start breathing more deeply and slowly, until you can hear you heart beating. Pay attention to your quiet and consistent breathing. While you listen to your breathing and deepen it, note your awareness of your breathing and your ability to alter it at will, from Chapter 11: The seventh skill – The emotional message rapid and shallow to slow and deep. Relax your body again and try to maintain constant, slow and deep breathing. Contracting and releasing While you are listening to your breathing and maintaining a steady, slow and deep rhythm, contract all your annular muscles as much as you can: your fists, your toes, your rectum, your lips and your eyes. While maintaining your steady breathing, count to five, and then release everything at once. Note the difference between the tension you feel when contracting your annular muscles and the sense of pleasant relaxation when you release the tension. Count up to five and do this it again. Repeat the act of contracting and releasing a few times, until you can clearly distinguish between the two bodily sensations without changing the depth and rhythm of your breathing. Try and retain in your mind's eye the sense of relaxing the annular muscles. You can either think of the relaxed annular muscles or recall any association that comes to mind, linking it to your pleasant feeling. While you are contracting and releasing your annular muscles, be aware of how you choose to contract or release your annular muscles. Physical awareness Keep listening to your breathing and maintain steady, slow and deep breathing, while going over every part of your body, from the top of your head to the tip of your toes. Focus on each bodily organ, be aware of any positive or negative sensations and the degree of tension or relaxation; try to release tension as much as possible. Do this slowly, without changing the rhythm of your breathing. If you find it difficult to identify your bodily sensations, you can practice contracting and releasing each part of your body, until you can do this easily. Start with the top of your head, and experience the skin on your scalp. Be aware of the sensations in your forehead and eyebrows, eyes and eyelids, nose and cheeks. Release your lips and let gravity draw Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training your chin down, while releasing your jaws as much as possible. Stop for a little while and note again if all the parts of your head are loose and relaxed. Now focus on your neck and throat, paying attention to the muscles and releasing them as much as possible. Move to the shoulders, and let them droop down. Pay attention to every part of your left arm (upper arm, forearm, palm and each finger) and then your right one. Feel the weight of each part of your hand and let gravity drag it down with no muscle resistance. Now pay attention to your back, and try visualizing each vertebra in your spinal column. Release your shoulder blades and your back muscles, until your back feels calm and relaxed. Move from your back to your abdomen, where a majority of pressures and tensions express themselves. Try to identify tensed muscles, and try relaxing your stomach by alternately contracting and releasing it. Focus on your pelvis, and how it connects your torso to your legs. Notice the muscles that hold the pelvis and release them. Review the rectum and the sexual organs and gently contract and release them until you free them from tension. Now review first the parts of your right leg (the thigh, the lower leg, the foot and the toes) and then your left leg. Check any muscle tension, releasing it as much as possible. When you have finished going over all the parts of your body, continue listening to your steady, slow breathing and try to identify any sense of stress or discomfort. Quickly appraise your body again, from top to bottom, and release the tense parts. While you are surveying your body, be aware of how you shift your focus from one part to the other using emotional awareness, and how this enables you to select every part of your body for examination. Images of flowing Guided imagery can help us increase relaxation. While maintaining constant, deep breathing, identify any physical tensions in your body and release them. Now you can deepen your relaxation experience, painting it with Chapter 11: The seventh skill – The emotional message the appropriate colors, according to your needs. Through guided imagery you can repeatedly survey your body parts as you did using physical awareness, at the same time imagining that you are infusing a liquid energy into it, strengthening each of your organs until it is painted the color you choose. If, for example, you want to increase a sense of calm and quiet relaxation, you can imagine yourselves infusing a cool, green liquid through the top of your head down to the rest of your body, filling you with the sense of growth, freshness and tranquility. If you wish to experience a sense of warmth, happiness and loving relaxation, you can imagine yourself filling your body with a warm, red liquid imparting a soft, caressing sense of power and safety. If you want to increase alertness and focus, you can fill yourself with a transparent blue liquid that promotes clear thinking. Close your eyes and slowly infuse the liquid energy of your color of choice until it flows through your skull, fills your forehead, eyes, nose, cheeks and chin, slides down your neck to your shoulders and arms to your fingertips, fills your back and abdominal cavity, caresses and encircles your pelvis, rectum and sexual organs and fills your legs down to your toenails. Perform this as slowly as you can, and try experiencing the flow of the soft liquid as it fills your body, visualizing its color, and feeling the warmth permeating your entire body. Do not fail to notice how your emotional awareness enables you to regulate the flow of energy to each of your organs, delay and continue it and set its pace. Image of a safe place Emotional Training is a constant process of balancing between a natural sense of anxiety and the need to create the sense of a safe place. Even if we invest all our efforts in creating the sense of a safe place through the emotional skills, our success will always be partial, and we will continually need to renew our efforts. But we can do this easily by reconstructing the physical sensation of a safe place through visualizing a primal experience of such a feeling. You may ask: "If that is so, why must we continue practicing the emotional skills?" There are two answers to this. The first is that by practicing the emotional skills, we assuage and delay our natural sense Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training of anxiety and prevent ourselves from continuously having to cope with crises through relaxation techniques. The second is that our sense of safety also depends on our relationships with other people and the world around us. The more we create the sense of a safe place for other people using our emotional skills, the more we will increase our own sense of safety. An image of a familiar physical safe place is effective in cases where we must cope with a sudden feeling of anxiety that cannot be assuaged by other means. Close your eyes and listen to your breathing while relaxing all your muscles, until you maintain constant, slow and deep breathing. While you continue listening to your breathing, think of a very pleasant place where you felt secure and safe in the past. Do not try to remember this place; just reconstruct the pleasant physical feeling you associate with it. It can be a special place in nature, where you spent some time by yourself, a place where you stayed with your parents as a child or a moment of special intimacy. You can use your five senses, and try to sense smells, tastes, bodily sensations, sights and sounds. Continue reconstructing your pleasant bodily sensations until the memory of a particular place appears in your thoughts. When you have conjured up a physical place where you felt secure and relaxed, try to experience it through your five senses. With your eyes closed, try and visualize the place, smell it, taste it, listen to it and feel your bodily sensations. After you have located this special memory of a safe place, keep viewing it in your imagination for a while and experiencing the special feeling it evokes. Now observe it again in your imagination, and using your five senses, try to find its most salient feature. It may be the special sound of wind or water or a unique image of your childhood room or the memory of a sunset, the perfume of a flower or of a beloved person, a special taste or the experience of being hugged by someone you loved. This will serve as an anchor that will help you immediately reconstruct your special image of a safe place whenever you need it. After practicing you will be able to conjure up this image of a safe place quickly and easily using the anchor you have chosen, in any event of stress, pressure or anxiety. The image of a safe place is a Chapter 11: The seventh skill – The emotional message quick and efficient way to relax in stressful situations, especially those where it is not possible to practice relaxation exercises. You can utilize the image of a safe place when you are driving, having an argument or feeling confused or in danger of losing control of your emotions. Hovering After practicing breathing and relaxation, learning to review your body parts and relax your muscles through physical awareness, enhancing the relaxation by images of flowing and creating an anchor for the sense of a physical safe place, you can integrate all these elements in a relaxation map in your brain that will afford you easy control over the new techniques. Lie on your back and find an appropriate and comfortable position by making slight adjustments. Close your eyes and listen to your breathing until it becomes steady, slow and deep. Survey all the parts of your body from the top of your head to the tip of your toes, relax your muscles and let gravity seem to drag you down into the ground. Identify your bodily sensations and, through breathing and relaxation, adjust any part of your body that feels uncomfortable. While doing this, imagine yourself hovering above your body while listening to your breathing and relaxing your body. Rise up slowly and look down at your body on the ground, at the place where it is lying in its usual surroundings. Keep hovering and observe your life patterns, your everyday life and the world around you. From above, note your thoughts, the people you know, pressures, anxieties and daily burdens. Re-enter your body and notice your breathing and your relaxed limbs. Now hover a little higher, and keep rising until your slack body becomes a tiny point beneath you. Hover mentally to your physical safe place. Do this slowly, using the anchor that will lead you to all the physical sensations of your safe place, until you can see it beneath you, and alight slowly onto it. Observe yourself feeling relaxed and secure in your safe place. Stay there for a while, then slowly hover up, until you can identify your body lying on the ground; observe it quietly. Repeat this action a few times, going back and forth from your safe place to your body, into your constant, quiet and deep breathing and into your relaxed body. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training Just as practicing the piano prints the map of our fingers' activity in our brain and makes our playing automatic, thus do relaxation exercises print the map of our safe place in our brain and improve our ability to increase the sense of a safe place every minute of our lives. Chapter 12 The theater of life We are all actors in the theater of life, and each role or character we play involves an integration of the seven emotional skills. We perform every scene of our lives in order to create the sense of a safe place. Practicing and improving our role-playing skills will also enhance our ability to create the sense of a safe place. Each of us is a 'one man show' in a world where 'the show must go on' and 'all the world's a stage'. We are always playing a part in a scene of our lives, which also involves other people and even the history of the world. Our capacity to change from one character to another and successfully play our various roles significantly influences the quality of our lives, our relationships with others and our sense of safety. We were never taught how to act in the theater of life, change roles, characters and costumes, learn various parts and design the stage scenery. But actually, the skill of acting is one of our most significant inborn qualities, and we already experience it in early childhood. Our natural learning capacity is based on acting, including role-play. Children's play involves imitating people they meet and this enables them to experience different emotional states, improve their empathic skills and learn how to function in different situations. Children play 'father and mother', 'doctor and patient' and 'teacher and pupil' or pretend that they are bus drivers, soldiers, pirates or chefs. They act out scenes from the video movies they watch, from books and stories they hear and from the lives of their families. Unfortunately, our natural acting skills are suppressed at an early age by the contradictory needs of society, which conspires to assimilate us and adapt us to our designated roles. Many parents stop their children engaging in role play, believing that it deters them from functioning as they are expected to or that it is a manifestation of immaturity indicating adjustment difficulties. Educational systems and schools cause children's acting skills to deteriorate, forcing them to be Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training passive receptors of subject matter and ideas without actively experiencing them. In addition, the adult world does not encourage practicing the skill of role playing due to one simple reason. Our natural search for the sense of a safe place causes us to seek stability and consistency, so we find it more comfortable to see other people in one role or character, rather than as a collection of shifting dramatic parts. One also tends to identify oneself as a single unified character. We refrain from changing our familiar roles, and we interpret any change in other people's role playing as a threat. But in reality the skill of role playing is essential; if we don't practice and perfect it, we will be unable to cope with situations in which there is a need to change our roles and character parts. As is the case with the other emotional skills, avoiding the practice of role playing on a daily basis will compel us to cope with frequent crises. For example, crisis occurs in adolescence, when parents cannot adjust to their son's or daughter's new role as a more independent and responsible human being. The crisis of retirement happens to those who are not prepared for their new role in life, and who find it difficult to depart from their old one as a part of the labor force. The crisis of relocation happens to those who cannot adjust to their new setting and assume a new role. When Greg entered my clinic for the first time, he resembled nothing more than an actor. He was a tall man, about forty years old, his shiny black hair was combed backward, as seen in Italian movies of the 50s, and his green eyes sparkled with life. Small wrinkles at the corners of his eyes set off his lively gaze, imparting a sense of joy. He was wearing worn-out jeans and a loose, blue cashmere sweater, and the addition of an expensive-looking jacket made him look like a model combining a casual style of dress with prestigious designer labels. He entered the room on delicate cat-like feet, wandering around curiously, settling himself on the chair I offered him. I sat silently on the other chair, waiting for him to introduce himself and tell me why he had come to see me. "You probably want me to introduce myself," he smiled at me as if he were aware of the procedure. Chapter 12: The theater of life I smiled back and kept waiting. "What is your impression of me?" he asked, changing the rules of the game. Many clients find it difficult to introduce themselves at the first meeting, and they wait for me to ask them questions that will help them clarify their needs and expectations. But Greg didn't look at all confused or hesitant, and it seemed as though he wanted me to join in with his game. I accepted the offer and said: "My first impression when you entered the room was that you were an actor. I can't explain why, but something in your movements, the way you came in and even your diction made me feel as though I watching a theater production." "I'm so glad I came to see you," he replied, smiling warmly. He didn't look like someone who needed therapy or was in any kind of distress. "I didn't think you would identify me so quickly. Your intuition is amazing." "So you are an actor?" I asked. "Not in the precise sense of the word," he hesitated for a moment, and it was the first time that he looked almost confused, as most clients do during the first session. "But in a more general way your diagnosis is very accurate. Maybe I'd better start by telling you why I came to see you?" "I think so," I looked into his eyes, trying to decipher his confusion. "I didn't come to you for psychotherapy or counseling, or whatever you call it," he sighed and for a moment looked older than I had noticed before. "If I were religious I would go to a priest, so that he could hear my confession and keep it confidential. I'm looking for someone who can understand me, and I need you to be my priest. I have no emotional problems and I don't need any help. I do exactly as I wish, and I'm very satisfied with my life. I just want you to listen to me. What do you say?" "You came to the right place," I said. "Emotional Training is not psychotherapy, and I have no pretentions to curing other people or solving their problems. My basic tool is the ability to listen. And by the way," I smiled, "I love listening to other people's stories, so you've asked me to do exactly what I like best." Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training "I'm not sure that you'll like it," said Greg in a soft voice. "If it were that pleasant, I wouldn't need you. But I'm looking for someone who can listen to me without judging or criticizing, even if my values are very different from his." "I can promise you confidentiality," I said, "as long as you don't tell me about any criminal acts. Supportive listening is one of the basic emotional skills, and I believe that I am quite experienced at it." "Thank you," said Greg and exhaled slowly, as though he were ridding himself of a heavy burden. "Now I can reveal my secret. If you decide to invite me to some more sessions, there will be time to fill you in on the details. As you guessed, I am an actor, and I was born into a family of actors. I believe that you've heard about my parents, both National Theater actors. (He mentioned their names.) Since I was a little boy, they would take me along with them to rehearsals, and I enjoyed trying on the costumes I found backstage and imitating actors playing various roles. I was a very talented young actor, and when I was seven years old, I had my first part in a play. The journalists were very impressed with me, but my success confused my parents, and they decided not to nurture that part of me, demanding of me to invest all my energy in school work. They also encouraged me to study music and art. I succeeded in those fields too, and I found out that I could be creative and talented in any field I chose. I studied literature at the university, and when I was twentyseven, I completed my PhD with distinction and was given a permanent post as a lecturer. At the same time I also finished my first degree at a music academy and started giving piano recitals. In high school I had learned to program and build websites, and I developed software for website security. I sold the software to one of the big companies and made enough money to be financially secure for the rest of my life. I was also lucky in the social world. I enjoy social life and I have many loyal friends. My marriage is great, and I have wonderful children." He broke off his narrative and looked at me expectantly. "It all sounds too good to be true," I said cautiously. "I almost envy you." "I wouldn't go that far," he stopped me. "I was afraid that you wouldn't believe me, so I haven't told you everything. But I haven't Chapter 12: The theater of life exaggerated: everything I've told you so far is accurate and correct. But life in the shadow of the theater also acquainted me with the ugly face of success, full of envy and gossip and intrigues, and I hated it. I decided to live a simple, ordinary life like everyone else, and conceal my special gifts." "Wait," I was confused. "You just said that your story was true. Your life doesn't seem the least bit ordinary to me." Greg stood up and faced me. He removed his elegant jacket, turned it inside out and put it on again. Now it appeared to be made of simple gray cloth, with no special cut. He removed his beautiful hair, which turned out to be a wig, from his head, and I could see the bald head of a fifty-year-old man. He took a pair of glasses from his bag and put them on his nose, and then resumed his seat. "How… how did you do that?" I stuttered. I couldn't hide my astonishment. "You look so different, although you haven't even used any make-up. You really amaze me." "I told you I was an actor," Greg smiled. "But wait. That is only the beginning. My parents, my wife, my children and my friends see me as you see me now. People see what they are expecting to see, so it's surprisingly easy to change roles without anyone noticing it. Everyone knows me as a professor of literature, and half of my time is spent abroad lecturing and participating in conferences." "You've already told me that. But why do you have to disguise yourself?" "Because that is only part of my story," said Greg. "The man you see now is Greg Townsend, professor of literature, married with two children, fifty-two years old, who spends much of his time abroad. But when I look like this," he said, resuming his wig again, removing his glasses and reversing his jacket, "I'm Gregory T., a classical pianist who gives concerts around the world and also likes to do gigs at London jazz clubs." "Wait," I stopped him. "Do you impersonate a pianist using a different character, which your parents and your wife know nothing about?" "Yes and no," answered Greg, or Gregory. "Yes, I play concerts under a different name and my parents don't know about it. My wife also doesn't know about it, but my other wife knows that she is Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training married to a pianist. But she doesn't know that I also lecture at the university." "What?!" I jumped off my chair. "Are you a bigamist?" "You promised not to judge me," Greg reminded me, "but I can understand your response. I have always been afraid of such a reaction, so you're the first person I've ever told about this. I'm not really a bigamist, since I never officially got married to my second wife, but we live as a married couple and have three children." "But…" I started to ask, but he signaled with his hand that he wanted to continue. "These are not the only characters I play," he admitted. "In another place, I'm an eligible bachelor, a painter who holds a new exhibition every year, and somewhere else I have a high-tech company that develops new applications for the Internet. These are my main characters, and I enjoy playing them all very much." "But how can you stand the pressure," I wondered. "What pressure?" My question surprised him. "I told you that since childhood I have been a successful actor, and my whole life is one big theater performance. It's only role play, and I really enjoy it. It's much more challenging than stage acting. This is the theater of life, and I'm a professional who knows all about timing, changing costumes and identifying with the characters I play. It makes me happy. It's what I've wanted since childhood, and I've realized my dream." "And you don't find it hard to maneuver between your two families and hide so much information from the people you love?" "Not really," he replied with a dismissive gesture. "That involves my expertise as an actor. I know that you might think I'm not authentic, and that my life is a sham. But for me this is the way to realize all my potential, and sometimes I also like to play supporting roles and learn new ones." I pondered this for a few minutes, while he looked at me, attentively awaiting my response. I had heard about similar cases of impersonation and about people who had two families that were not aware of one another. But his story was unique, and I was impressed by his sense of self-satisfaction. "I admit that I'm surprised," I said. "This is really an unusual story. But it is unique not because you are such a good actor, but because Chapter 12: The theater of life you are so content and satisfied with it, and also enjoy it. But if it is so good, why have you come to see me, and why is it so important for me to hear your story?" "I get a lot of praise for the books I write, for my piano playing and my painting, but no one besides you knows that my greatest accomplishment is this role playing. You can see why I can't expose my consummate acting talent. I don't want to hurt the people I love. But like all actors I also need a public, and I've chosen you to be my audience. And there is something else. On my way here I thought about it, and realized that it is not normal for me to feel so good about my way of life. I wonder if it will change someday, and how I will cope when that happens." "Bravo!" I clapped my hands. "I am honored to be your audience of one at the hit show of your life, and I'm very glad you chose me. I can understand why you want to share your art with someone else, and I promise to be a good and attentive audience. I don't think that you are abnormal. Although I don't believe that there is anyone else that could play his life out in such a professional way, but actually all people play roles all their lives. They act out small parts, and they're also apprehensive about sharing them with other people. But they don't have as much fun as you do. That's the reason you've searched for someone to talk to, like a priest or a psychotherapist, in a confidential setting. You've realized something that many people only dream of, and one day I'll present you with the Drama Critics' Award." The case of Greg is an extreme example of a developed skill of role playing; only a few individuals could achieve such competence. Usually we try to avoid role playing as much as possible, since we associate 'playing' with impersonation and inauthentic behavior. We try to stick to the one role that represents our 'true' personality. But despite our natural resistance to role playing, and although this skill is underdeveloped in most people, they unintentionally take part in a large amount of role play. We simultaneously play the role of a professional at work, we play various roles in the family circle as partners, parents and children and in various social roles with our friends, as well as public places or organizations in which we are members. We also play different roles according to the environment Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training and the context, when we shop at our favorite supermarket, meet strangers or travel abroad. Usually the differences between the various roles and characters that we play are not significant, and we see them as emphasizing different parts of our character or as adapting ourselves to other people's roles. Only when drastic changes in our lives force us to choose a new role do we need to cope with our incompetence at role playing. This might happen when we have the chance of being promoted to a higher managerial post, or when our family role changes as the result of a traumatic event. It also happens when we no longer function well physically and become dependent on other people as a result of illness, accident or aging. If our role-playing skills are not developed, these crises will be more severe. The skill of role playing expresses our capacity to realize our qualifications and potential, and also to create the sense of a safe place in our world. So if the skill of role playing is so important, why didn't I add it to the seven emotional skills? The answer is simple. It is not a separate skill, but rather a practical implementation of the seven emotional skills in our everyday lives. Through the skill of role playing, our seven emotional skills are actualized and have their influence on our relationships with other people, reality and ourselves. Role playing is our natural way of learning and developing ourselves, attuning ourselves to reality at every given moment. The more we improve our role playing skills and become aware of the various parts we play, the better we will be able to practice our seven emotional skills and improve our sense of safety in the world. Through role playing we can integrate the seven emotional skills and maintain the correct balance between them. Role playing is the practical integration of the seven emotional skills. The role playing in which we take part, both consciously and unconsciously, reflects our emotional skills and our ability to create the sense of a safe place for ourselves and for others. Success in constantly practicing the seven emotional skills will prepare you to Chapter 12: The theater of life integrate them into your life by role playing, thus continuing to improve your natural learning ability while enjoying the theater of life. Role playing and human nature Conventional conceptions of human nature in Western culture view 'character' or 'personality' as the major feature that distinguishes among individuals. Character and personality are in fact permanent roles that each of us is compelled to play according to the expectations of others, be they parents, teachers, peers or the society in which we live. If you do not play a permanent and constant role or present a clear and cohesive personality, you will be labeled negatively as an 'unsalted cracker' or an 'unstable' individual. The most pejorative description of an unstable personality is provided by the psychological term 'multiple personality disorder' referring to a mental illness in which individuals have various contrasting personalities that are not cognizant of one another, as in Stevenson's story, “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde”. It is hard to find examples of this disorder, but some professionals have documented such cases in the literature. Although there is no scientific proof of such a phenomenon, representing the existence of multiple personalities as a mental illness reveals Western culture's level of anxiety and fear in face of individuals who dare to play various roles in their lives. Lately, some therapeutic approaches demonstrate a more positive attitude towards different aspects of human behavior relating to the 'inner child' or the 'inner characters' that are latent within each of us. But these approaches relate to these as an elaboration of our established personality, a developmental stage that has not yet been completed or a metaphor that broadens the concept of 'self'. They do not regard it as a role playing. Western culture forces us to choose a fixed character and personality, damaging our natural skill or role playing, a major source of learning, developing and attuning to reality. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training A new approach to human nature that forms the basis for Emotional Training acknowledges the central function of role playing. This approach, represented by the emotional process model, defines human beings as undergoing a constant process of change and not as having a personality with fixed characteristics. By becoming familiar with the emotional process and the emotional skills, we can waive the mystical term 'mind' and by being aware of our role playing skills, we can waive the term 'personality', namely our fixed image of ourselves and others. Many conventional Western concepts are based on personality theories that offer lists of personality types and characteristics that enable us to predict people's behavior. Emotional Training and the concept of the emotional process deny the existence of fixed personality types, enabling us to evaluate the price we pay for putting our faith in such personality theories. The belief in personality theories expresses a need for security and a fear of change. Such beliefs lead us to impose personality theories on all types of human behavior and reject those that do not adapt themselves to one fixed image that represents the individual throughout his life. Parents of young children unconsciously determine their children's fixed self-image: "He is a carbon copy of his father," "She will grow up to be a painter," "He is stubborn like his mother," or "She knows exactly what she wants." In this way parents manipulate their children into gratifying them by accepting and maintaining these images. Questions such as "What do you want to be when you grow up?" are also an attempt to direct the child to choose the character or role that will represent him in the world. Compulsory education forces children to adapt themselves to a fixed image by dividing them into classes, professions and specializations. Among the most popular manifestations of personality theories are systems for categorizing students before they enter the university, referring army recruits to various units, interviewing candidates for professional positions or reviewing prospective members of professional and social organizations. In order to be a fully-fledged member of Western society, the individual is obliged to adopt one 'personality type' and adhere to it as much as possible. The most brutal manifestation of personality theories is the psychological and psychiatric diagnosis, as Chapter 12: The theater of life described in the American diagnostic guide, the DSM, that makes it possible to classify individuals as mentally ill and institutionalize them, depriving them of their legal rights. Paradoxically, adapting to personality theories by adhering to a fixed character throughout life is a major cause of emotional difficulties. Neglecting our role playing skills can damage our capacity to function efficiently, attune ourselves to reality and realize our potential to feel safe and happy. If we rigidly adhere to one constant and unchanging personality, our sense of safety will decrease and our anxiety will increase. According to the principles of Emotional Training, human beings cannot be defined as characters or personalities; in fact, there is no such thing as inherent characteristics, whether positive or negative. In the context of Emotional Training, characters and personalities represent a false use of our role playing skills, and they will not only fail, but endanger us. Naturally we have no choice but to take part in role playing, and despite social and cultural limitations, we are attracted to doing so. We use every opportunity to disguise ourselves, take part in festivals and masked balls, engage in espionage or impersonation in foreign countries, hide behind nicknames on the Internet or play sexual games. Emotional Training helps us improve our role playing skill, develop a repertoire of characters for various situations, learn how to switch roles quickly and enjoy appearing in the theater of life. Our sense of 'self' does not mean developing one single personality, but integrating the roles we play in a unique way using the repertoire we have acquired through constant practice. Role playing as an integration of emotional skills Every moment of our lives is a scene in a drama, and we can direct it and play our role in a way that will enable us to feel secure and realize our potential. After individually practicing each of the seven emotional skills, and making them a fundamental part of your life, you can learn how to integrate them into every action and role you play, and to do this as successfully as possible. Every emotional skill will take part in your role playing: Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training Emotional awareness Every role you play is based on a physical action. Practicing the skill of emotional awareness will help you process the information provided by your senses; you can also activate it in order to become aware of the physical actions involved in the role you are playing at that moment. The roles you play, or the characters you present, enable you to express your emotions and create the sense of a safe place as best you can. Role playing that is an accurate expression of what you are feeling will impart a sense of security. However, when the roles you play are not attuned to your true emotional state, your anxiety will increase. Emotional awareness allows you to identify the physical sensations that are motivating you and choose a role that will serve your purposes and make you feel secure. Similarly, emotional awareness will help you identify which roles give you a sense of safety, so that you can modify them or replace them with more appropriate ones. For example, a father might play an authoritative role with his children, who although they respect and obey him, never share their feelings with him. In such a case, although the father plays his part to perfection and his children behave according to his expectations, he might feel uncomfortable with such a role. That being the case, the father could attempt to alter his role and choose to play the part of a friendly, relaxed father who shares his children's lives, consults with them, expresses his emotions and listens to their problems. Emotional awareness enables us to identify the role we are playing and attune it to our sense of safety. Common language Each role you play has its own language and dialect. There is an intimate language that is appropriate for close relationships, a professional language that is suitable for the workplace, a language for formal meetings with the authorities and a casual street language for Chapter 12: The theater of life communicating with strangers. All role play is based on using language - whether monologues or dialogues - so knowing how to use the appropriate language for each scene or character you play can improve your role playing skills. In order to do this, it is necessary to identify the language register appropriate to the various characters you play, practice it and expand it. The more you increase your linguistic repertoire, the more convincing and reliable will your role playing be, creating a greater sense of a safe place. We wrongly assume that speech is spontaneous and that there is no prepared text for the theater of life. Actually, if you do not prepare your text in light of the drama in which you are participating, you will automatically quote the same old texts. People who tend to do this use the same tired expressions until they become banal and boring or constantly repeat the same worn-out jokes and anecdotes. On the other hand, people who are aware of the drama and the story they are telling know how to 'hook' their listeners, adapting their repartee to their audience and their relationship with them. They know how to create interest and curiosity, as well as the sense of a safe place. You can find such qualities in popular lecturers, successful salesmen, clever politicians or famous media personalities, who all know how to find the right text for every role they play. In effect, by being aware of the text and the language you use, you will be better prepared for the various roles you play, especially on occasions when it is necessary to impress other people, such as work interviews, blind dates, court appointments, or any other kind of interaction with other people. The more you prepare and improve your script, acquiring a better repertoire of texts and how to deliver them, the more your role playing skills will improve. Enriching your language with dialects and idioms will improve and expand your repertoire of roles and characters. Emotional tools Empathy and listening, the chief emotional life skills, are a prerequisite for role playing. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training Most of the characters we play in our lives are not of our creation. We learn how to play them by observing and imitating other people. From childhood on, we play 'adult' roles, imitating parents, teachers, favorite sports personalities and movie stars, as well as doctors, soldiers and bus drivers. In order to learn roles and play them successfully, we need empathy, which means that we must be able to enter into the character we are playing and see the world through its eyes. Thus, the empathic skill that enables us to communicate with others and maintain human civilization also enables us to successfully play the characters that represent us. Empathy serves us in role playing as a simulator, which enables us to experience new roles in a safe place. Such a simulator, like those used in training pilots or drivers, enables us to experience the emotional makeup of various character roles before we begin portraying them and making them a part of us. Like children who employ simulations to prepare for their future role as adults, we must also apply empathy as a simulation that will help us increase the repertoire of characters we assume. After studying the role of a character through empathy, we must keep in mind that there are other actors on the stage with whom we need to communicate. Paying attention and listening to the other actors will make it possible to respond properly to them in real time, improvise when necessary and attune our role to changes in the plot. Careful listening will also enable us to observe the performance from another vantage point, so that we can repair our mistakes, view the broader picture and attune ourselves to the action. Empathy and listening serve us as a simulator, enabling us to acquire roles and characters for the various situations of our lives. Emotional agreement Our role playing is always a part of a performance in which we participate, which has its own specific rules. Actually there are two kinds of agreements in each drama, an internal one and an external one. The external agreement precedes the Chapter 12: The theater of life internal one, since it relate to cooperating with the other actors in a particular cast of characters. For example, you can play the role of an authoritative father in your nuclear family, but as a guest at someone else's house, that role is not appropriate and must be modified. The external agreement also relates to the conditions regarding the time, the place and the props necessary for the performance. You could play the role of a teacher by day and the role of a taxi driver by night. The internal agreement relates to the play, and it determines the plot and the characters' roles, including the one which we ourselves play. Such an agreement concerns the nature of the characters, the relationship between them, the entrances and exits and the role changing roster. The internal agreement determines our own narrative regarding how we will act in the world, our responses to stimuli from reality and our sense of safety. If our skill of role playing is underdeveloped, and we are incapable of identifying and defining the emotional agreement that is necessary for participating in the theater of life, our ability to play various characters will be limited and our sense of safety will be minimal. The emotional agreement enables us to take part in shared role-playing and prepare ourselves better for playing our role. The physical setting Our environment is the stage scenery and the props for our theater of life and for any play in which we are currently participating. Each character and role we play and each performance in which we participate has its own special stage setting, and we need to become familiar with it, fit it to our needs and adapt ourselves to it, so that we can play our role effectively. As in the theater, the scenery of our lives is shifting all the time. There is appropriate scenery for the home or for the workplace. The weather and the seasons of the year also influence our lives, and serve as the scenery which is imposed on us, compelling us to learn how to adapt to it. We have to learn how to design the right backdrop for every role we play, so that we can give a successful performance. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training Costumes are an integral part of the stage design, so we must wear the appropriate clothes for every role we play. An example of the importance of the setting and the backdrop in specific areas can be found in how public buildings such as courtrooms and police stations are designed, how managers furnish their offices and how educational institutions are planned. We can learn about the importance of costume by observing the importance of the traditional clothing of judges, lawyers and soldiers in emphasizing their special roles. I became cognizant of the importance of scenery when I was eleven or twelve years old and visited another town with my class. Each pupil was invited to stay with a child from the host class. As a child I had been emotionally abandoned by my parents, and grew up in a constant state of anxiety that led me to shut myself up and avoid any contact with other children. My role at school was clear: I had no friends; I never participated in class or took part in any social activity. Some children ridiculed me for being different, and others just ignored me. But when we met the children at another school, in another town, the scenery was different and the children who did not know me were not aware of my role as an outsider. I was a good-looking boy, I knew how to express myself, and I immediately found myself the center of attention. The new children surrounded me, competing to be the one who would invite me to his house, and I found out that I enjoyed communicating with them. The children from my class didn't say anything, but I guess they were surprised by my new role. When we got home, things returned to normal, and against my familiar backdrop, I continued to play my agreed role and was again pushed to the edge of the stage. Could I have learned from this experience, saving years of suffering? I guess not. As a child I didn't have the emotional skills for that. An adult, parent or teacher, could have changed my life by a change of scenery, which would have meant moving me to a new environment and a new school, while at the same time helping me change the role I was playing. In fact, I only learned how to do this many years later. Chapter 12: The theater of life The skill of designing our physical environment enables us to adjust the scenery and costumes to every scene of our lives. Time management The theater of life is a performance that happens in a specific time frame, where every scene has its own schedule. The way we manage the timing of the show in which we participate influences both our audience and ourselves, determining the outcome of our performance. We must be cognizant of when each scene starts, how long it lasts, and the timing of every movement in the scene. We have to be ready for our entrances and exits and know the length of our monologues and the timing of the dialogues with other actors. The more we learn to identify the time management of our role playing and attune it to the drama at hand, the better we will control the timing of our role playing and be more successful at presenting our characters. Without accurate time management of our scenes and performances, it will be difficult for other actors to understand what we are portraying and communicate with us. The emotional skill of time management enables us to play a part in each scene of our lives efficiently. The emotional message Our characters and roles serve us as conveyers of those emotional messages that are meant to engender a sense of safety in ourselves and others. We deliver the emotional message through our texts, our body language and especially by the way we round off every scene. The emotional message clearly and concisely summarizes the content of the scene, and it should correspond with the role and script of the character we are playing. Without the emotional message, it would be difficult to recognize when one scene ends and another begins or our transition from one role to another. Formulating a clear message will improve our flexibility in moving Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training from one character to another. The emotional message enables other people to understand the part we are playing and our role changes. An example of integrating emotional skills "I don't know what to do," said Ely. "My wife claims that I don't love her, and she's asking for a trial separation. I don't understand her. Even her parents and her sister say that I'm the best husband in the world and that they love me as if I were their own son. But she says that I love them more than I love her. That isn't true, but I don't know how to convince her that she's wrong." Ely and his wife lived with her parents and her sister's family on their big family estate. He was an orphan, and he had been very happy to be 'adopted' by this loving family. He had a private business that would have enabled him to buy his own house, but he preferred to remain living with his supportive and loving extended family. His wife was also close to her parents and her sister, but after their marriage, she had told Ely that she wanted to move to a house of their own. But he was unwilling to give up being part of a big family; that was the only thing he and his wife disagreed about. Difficulties in relationships always indicate a failure in role playing, so I asked Ely to examine the roles he played according to the seven emotional skills. In the course of our meetings, he learned to identify and practice his emotional skills, in order to improve his role playing. 1. Emotional awareness. It did not take me long to realize that Ely was unaware of the fact that he was playing only one role, that of an orphan who would do anything to have a family of his own. When we considered this, we discovered that in the past Ely had always focused his efforts on creating a close relationship with his girlfriends' families, and that for him family ties took priority over romantic relationships. He realized that his wife's complaint was not that he didn't love her, but that he couldn't distinguish between his love for her Chapter 12: The theater of life 2. 3. 4. 5. and his loyalty to her family. He agreed that he had to learn to play the role of a husband and lover, and separate this from the role of family member. Common language. It was not hard to discover that Ely had developed no intimate common language with his wife. It took some time until he learned to prepare the texts for his interactions with his wife, so that he could create a language and content that was meant only for her. I also suggested that they start corresponding in a special notebook dedicated only to positive romantic messages and to the goal of creating a common language. Emotional tools. I was surprised to learn that Ely had no experience in playing the romantic role, and that it took some time before he dared try it. I was glad when he told me that he and his wife had decided to watch romantic videos together, in order to pick up pointers from the actors. He exercised his skill of empathy in order to comprehend romantic scenes through the eyes of the hero. He also attempted to be more attentive to his wife, listen to what she told him and understand her responses, so that he could adjust his new role to her needs. The emotional agreement. Ely and his wife had no difficulty in accepting their new external agreement regarding his changing role. His wife had accepted their original agreement from the moment they'd met, and was disappointed when he didn't seem to fully understand its significance. She was glad to accept a change that helped him attune himself to the role of a romantic character. It was more difficult for him to become accustomed to the inner agreement, to setting the boundaries of the scenes he played. The videos they watched did help and he adopted behaviors that were more appropriate to his new role. He learned to part from his wife every morning with a hug and to present her with flowers every weekend. The physical setting. More than any other change, it was difficult for Ely to change his attitude to the scenery in which he played his new role. He loved his wife's family's estate, and it was hard for him to consider leaving the place. But after some time he realized that he could not play his new role, Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training separating his love for his wife from his relationship with her family, without changing the setting and the backdrop. They bought a house in a nearby village, and his wife was delighted to move to their new home, which was not far from her parents' house. 6. Time management. When Ely learned to distinguish between his romantic role and his role as an orphan (which he later replaced with the role of relative), he also learned to alter his time management, devoting more time to his wife and modifying his list of priorities. He planned his time differently, carefully prepared his entrances and exits, arranged special meetings with his wife and allotted more time for going out with her and for their intimate encounters. 7. The emotional message. Slowly Ely learned to define his different roles and portray them clearly to avoid confusion. He was apprehensive about how his wife's family would react to his decision to spend more time with her. But he was surprised to find that they accepted it readily when he learned how to step out of his role as their son-in-law with a clear statement, like: "Now we need some time for ourselves. We'll see you tomorrow." The drama creates the narrative In the first part of this book I presented the emotional process model and its four stages: cognitive awareness, emotional skills, the personal narrative and the emotional system. The task of the emotional process is to help us navigate through a chaotic, terrifying world and create the sense of a safe place. The second part of the book focused on the seven emotional skills that are responsible for our immediate responses to stimuli from reality and enable us to function in the world and create a sense of safety. In order to do so, the seven emotional skills depend Chapter 12: The theater of life on the information that is processed and shaped by the personal narrative. The personal narrative functions efficiently only when it is attuned to continuous changes in reality, and this attunement constitutes the second role of the emotional skills. We cannot change our personal narrative, which is the story of our lives like authors edit their books because we do not create our narrative directly through cognitive awareness, as writers do. Our personal narrative is the result of our behavior, or the documentation of our actions. This might seem strange, since we expect the narrative to precede the action, as a script precedes a theatrical performance. The explanation is simple. Our personal narrative reflects the script of the theater of life. Our actions and behavior, which are the roles and characters we play, are based on plots and stories that motivate us, sometimes spontaneously and sometimes intentionally. Our seven emotional skills transfer and formulate these scripts and stories and impress them on our emotional process (the stage of the personal narrative) or, in other words, on our brain. The only way to alter and repair our personal narrative is by changing our behavior by means of our emotional skills. We can do this by practicing each of the seven emotional skills individually. After we gain experience and the training becomes a habit, we will be able to integrate the seven emotional skills by practicing role playing in any life scene we choose. At that stage we will assume responsibility for our plots and stories, thus changing our personal narrative and improving our emotional process. That is why the skill of role playing is so essential to controlling our lives and improving our emotional process. By practicing role playing, we actually influence our personal narrative. Aristotle's theater The false concept of duality and the separation between body and mind was conceived by Plato almost 2,400 years ago. Plato's influence on Western culture was so dominant that it overshadowed the innovative insights of his student Aristotle, who wrote the first book Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training about the human mind. Aristotle described the 'mind' as an attribute of the body, and not as an entity that exists in the world. Emotional Training is based on a similar concept, thus eliminating the term 'mind' from its lexicon. But although Aristotle's monistic concept was almost forgotten, his practical implementations and brilliant insights regarding emotional processes are still alive and well. In his book Poetics Aristotle described the theatre as a therapeutic process experienced by the audience, in which their emotions of fear or pity undergo catharsis and release. The dramatic theater form, tragedy, serves the audience as a therapeutic experience. As we know now, this is only possible due to the empathic skills. Aristotle's ideas regarding the theater, like those of contemporary psychotherapy, posit that the therapeutic outcome of catharsis is a result of manipulation. In order for such a manipulation to succeed, it is necessary for the audience to trust in what is taking place on the stage, much in the way that psychotherapists create a secure frame for their clients. Aristotle defined the conditions for creating a secure dramatic frame in his 'rules of thumb', as named by seventeenthcentury French neo-classical dramatists. The 'rules of thumb' are also known as 'the dramatic unities' or the 'Three Unities', namely, the unity of space, the unity of time and the unity of action (plot). The three unities encapsulate the seven emotional skills in a clear and concise way. They present the main categories of space ('the physical setting') and time ('time management'), and they combine 'emotional awareness', 'common language', 'emotional skills', 'emotional agreement' and 'emotional message' under the heading of action (or plot). Contemporary theater-goers might find Aristotle's unities rather rigid or bizarre, since contemporary theater is far from presenting any kind of unity. But we need to bear in mind that the purpose of contemporary theater is not to create the sense of a safe place but to undermine accepted ideas and unsettle or shock the audience. In order to do this (by means of creating the sense of 'an unsafe place'), the contemporary theater still utilizes Aristotle's three categories and implements them in reverse, that is, by undermining the unity of space, time and plot. Chapter 12: The theater of life Aristotle's insights are still relevant, and they represent the therapeutic power of the theater and the value of the emotional skills in creating the sense of a safe place. It is not surprising that in the 20th century, Aristotle's ideas inspired the birth of a new therapeutic movement. Psychodrama was developed by Moreno, who also developed the idea of group psychotherapy in the 1930s. While Aristotle related to the therapeutic experience undergone by the audience, Moreno used the theater to create a therapeutic experience for the participants. Psychodrama is an emotional experience based on role play and the dramatization of life experiences. Similar concepts have been integrated into Gestalt therapy, which was developed by Perls almost at the same time, and into drama therapy, which was developed in the 1960s. By developing Emotional Training, I have taken Aristotle's ideas and the principles of psychodrama and drama therapy one step further. Instead of experiencing the therapeutic benefits of observing a drama in the theater or actually practicing theatrical techniques in therapeutic interactions, I suggest that we regard our life experience as a series of theatrical scenes and our life activities as playing the role of various characters. Role playing is not a therapeutic technique, but the essence of life itself, and we can improve it by practicing the seven emotional skills, in other words, by practicing Aristotle's three unities. Role playing In the theater of life, there is no possibility of holding a general rehearsal. We must always play our role according to each situation and its conditions. Fortunately, there are some 'legitimate' roles that we play during the course of our lives, and experience can teach us how to improve our portrayal of such parts. Children intuitively know how to integrate rehearsals into their role playing, and this serves them as the main source of learning and practicing drama in their lives. By reconstructing our early experiences with role play, we can utilize this essential skill throughout our adult lives. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training Early learning experience Little children continually imitate the adults around them. In early childhood, they totally enter into the characters they play, rehearsing and developing their chosen roles. By such games children prepare themselves for later stages in their lives and build a repertoire of roles, characters and professions that they can use in the future. This explains why musicians' children are more prepared to be musicians themselves, and why so many doctors' offspring become doctors and so many sons and daughters of those practicing the legal professions follow in their footsteps. There is no better way to practice role playing than children's games, and if we can let go of the fear of being criticized by others, reconstructing such games is the best method of learning and practicing role playing. We can do this by playing with little children and also by playing games with our friends and relatives at social gatherings. Internship Between childhood and adulthood we spend much of our time learning, listening to hours of boring lectures, memorizing long texts filled with details and writing essays in which we quote from books and other information sources. Such learning can provides us with some knowledge, but it does not help us acquire skills or professional expertise. This explains why in many professions, it is necessary to spend long years of internship until we are permitted to practice them. Internship means playing the role of a professional before we are fully qualified to do so. This is accomplished by imitating experts in our chosen profession until we can assume our role as fully-fledged practitioners. Being an intern gives the individual the legitimate right to play the role of the professional. Cadets are proud to 'play soldiers' while wearing suitable uniforms. Law students are happy to experience what it feels like to be a lawyer, while working for a pittance serving famous attorneys. Physicians, dentists, teachers, psychotherapists, accountants and architects cannot practice their profession without an Chapter 12: The theater of life internship period, in which they learn to play their new role. Internship is the easiest way to practice role playing, due to the fact that it focuses on the one role relevant to one's chosen profession, and receiving the support of others while doing this. The experience of internship can be widened to include all kinds of role playing, so that we can improve a particular role under the guidance of experts. For instance, we could do an internship with experienced parents before we decide to have our own children. Similarly, we could receive guidance from friends who have a better dress sense or people who are expert at all kind of activities we wish to participate in. Professional performances Role playing is the entry pass to many social and professional activities. Our social status and professional achievements are to a great extent the result of our role playing skill. Without developing this skill, our options in life are limited and the risks of facing crisis are greater. Many of our life scenes demand of us to switch roles and learn the rules of a new game. It is necessary for a man to play the role of a self-confident and successful bachelor when he is looking for a partner. A job applicant must convince his perspective employer that he is the right man for the job. We need to play the role of supportive parents for our children, even when this is sometimes difficult, and the role of a loyal supporter when our friends need us. It is necessary to play character roles in various aspects of our lives and each situation must be considered as if it were professional performance demanding of us to never stop rehearsing our parts. Many professions are based on public performances. This is obvious regarding actors in the theater or the cinema, but also in the case of radio and TV broadcasters, public relations officers, singers, musicians and sportsmen. It is also true of people who work with the public, such as salesmen, military officers, teachers, lecturers and politicians. The main obstacle that deters many people from developing their role playing skills is shyness, which should be considered a dangerous disorder. This disorder may be cured by practicing role playing in any Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training of the ways suggested below. Natural actors and professionals Some people are natural-born actors, and they can easily change roles and attune themselves to any situation, personal, social or professional. Such people might succeed more readily in relationships and achieve professional status more quickly than those who are more talented than they are; this explains why some children are always the center of attention and why people with little talent sometimes achieve high positions in the government, the army, the business world and industry. Other people manage to become professional actors by learning and practicing a particular role they covet, in order to gain status or to succeed in their field of interest. Such people might be very successful in their professional lives as politicians, managers or even actors, while at the same time being poor actors in other areas. Conversely, most people are not natural-born or professional actors, and they use their undeveloped skill of role playing randomly, unaware of how vital it is. Being aware of the importance of role playing, practicing and improving it can change almost anyone's life for the better by allowing him or her to be more flexible and ready to cope with unexpected situations. Crooks and impostors While the skill of role playing is a valuable tool that may help us improve our lives, it may also be misused by crooks and imposters. Such people, who are masters of impersonation, might sell us products that we do not need, convince us to sign contracts that will destroy our future or convince us to vote for the wrong party. We can defend ourselves from such crooks by being aware of the art of role playing and practicing it ourselves. Insofar as we improve our skill of role playing, we will also improve the way we cope and interact with others, while learning how to use this skill for our own purposes. Chapter 12: The theater of life Repertoire The main method of improving our role playing skills is to acquire a wide repertoire that will serve us in all kinds of scenes or situations in our lives. Our repertoire needs to include a whole range of theatrical elements, including techniques and props. Roles In every situation in our lives we play a different role: as a child, a sibling, a pupil, a partner, a lover, a student, an employee or employer, a friend, a parent, etc. Through practice, we can learn and improve our roles and be prepared for future ones. Characters For every role we play, we can select and develop many character types. A child might choose to be energetic or inactive, hard-working or lazy, outgoing or withdrawn. A father might decide to take an authoritative or permissive role or be either warm or distant. We can learn and practice various possibilities for any role we assume, and attune the characters to the changing situation. Masks Most of the situations in our lives are temporary, and our role in them is partial. In such situations we do not have enough time to play a character, so instead we use a mask that represents us and helps other people recognize the part we are playing through mimicry. A mask can express our mood, intentions, reactions and nature. It is worthwhile developing a collection of masks to serve us in various situations. Costumes As in the theater, our costumes represent the characters we play in every scene and setting. All cultures have codes of behavior regarding the type of clothes that should be worn for various occasions Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training involving interactions with other people, determining which costumes are appropriate for the role we are playing at any given time. By being aware of our appearance, we can collect sets of clothing that are appropriate for every interaction and role we play. Ignoring the importance of the clothes we wear and our general appearance could damage the quality of our role playing. Situations Each scene in our lives takes place in a different situation, regarding location, interaction, time and context. We cannot ever be totally prepared for every situation, but we can practice as many different situations as possible, in order to be prepared for the unexpected. We can simply do this by being aware of every situation in which we find ourselves and observe it carefully, taking our cues from other participants. Thus we will build a repertoire of possible scenarios that will serve us on future occasions. Scenery The stage design of any situation influences our role playing. The setting could be our own home or office, a public space, other people's houses, vehicles, open areas or industrial structures. In most cases we cannot change the scenery, but we can always choose the best location for role playing in each context, how to adapt it to our needs and how to make minor changes as required. We should learn the advantages and disadvantages of various kinds of backdrops, in order to be ready for all eventualities. Dialects We all have an intimate dialect and vocabulary for communicating with our loved ones, but a different one that we use for work or everyday life. By listening to different speech registers, we can acquire and practice them and use them in various life situations and scenarios. Broadening our repertoire of dialects will enrich and improve our skill of role playing. Chapter 12: The theater of life Expressions and idioms Our language is peppered with idioms and expressions that we have acquired from other people or have developed ourselves during our lives. We selectively use idioms and expressions that characterize our speech and personality on appropriate occasions to facilitate our communication with other people. In order to enrich our repertoire and to avoid sounding clichéd and uninteresting, we should continuously learn and add new idioms and expressions to our vocabulary. Body language Whatever role we play, our body unconsciously speaks for us and reveals our emotions. This spontaneous performance might fail us on certain occasions, and we should be aware of our body language and learn to control and attune it to the role we are playing and to every scene of our performance. Body language can be especially expressed dramatically through facial expressions and hand gestures. Awareness of and appropriate use of body language can improve our role playing skills. Authenticity, shyness and false concepts of role playing As I mentioned earlier, all our lives are performed on stage, but paradoxically, we ignore the importance of role playing and refer to it in negative terms. The misinterpretation of the term 'authenticity' is a major reason why we ignore the skill of role playing and even deny its existence. 'Authenticity' is regarded as one of the most important values in our culture, on a par with 'truth', 'honesty' and 'genuineness'. Somehow, most people interpret authenticity as meaning adhering to the same role and character in a variety of situations. In this way, authenticity might create a false sense of security and damage our role playing skills. This does not mean that we have to relinquish authenticity. It is not surprising that we tend to misinterpret authenticity, due to our fear of change and tendency to create false safe places. But if we interpret authenticity in a different way, as attuning every life scene to its appropriate role and character, it Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training becomes the best yardstick for evaluating our role playing skills. Devoting ourselves to one fixed role and character creates a sense of false authenticity that can fail us. Authenticity is a flexible adjustment of our roles to the characters we play. Wrongly interpreting the concept of authenticity is what causes us to portray a false role or character. Redefining authenticity as a means of attuning to appropriate roles and characters will allow us to bypass this misapprehension and learn to implement genuineness when playing various roles in different situations. Another explanation for misconceptions regarding authenticity is the phenomenon of shyness, which is a manifestation of anxiety, which prevents us from practicing our role playing skills. Paradoxically, rationalizing our fear of role-playing by categorizing it as lacking in authenticity leads us to ignore its many benefits and actually portray false roles in our lives. Character/personality We are accustomed to relating to ourselves or to others through the prism of 'character' or 'personality'. A positive description of a person is based on the assumption that he has a definite character and a stable personality. The term 'multiple personality' indicates mental illness and a person with an unstable character is someone who cannot be trusted. Such concepts of character and personality are false, and by adopting them we fail ourselves and damage our skill of role playing. On the contrary, we should learn to play many kinds of characters, thus enriching our personalities. We should be proud of the ability to attune different character parts to various situations in our lives. Individuality We associate individualism with human rights and the option of being different from other people, which is not an easy task. Sometimes we wrongly interpret individuality as a fixed role that we play throughout Chapter 12: The theater of life our lives. Some people constantly play the rebel's role, while others act the part of 'artists', 'eccentrics', 'lunatics' or 'adventurers'. Such fixed roles express false individuality, and they actually deter us from developing our own unique selves. We should base our individuality not on being different from others, but on developing our various roles and characters without being influenced by other people's opinions or by accepted convention. Individuality is the unique combination of the roles and characters we play. Excellence and competitiveness Excellence is one of the most widely-held values of Western culture, while competitiveness is the cornerstone of capitalism. Although these two qualities motivate us to achievement in many fields, they might also function as false values and fail us in other areas. Excellence helps us concentrate on one field and become experts, but it also limits our knowledge and interest in other pursuits. Competitiveness may help us surpass others and obtain better work positions, while at the same time damaging our skill of empathy and our capacity for sharing. Therefore, the role of excellence and competitiveness should be limited to certain areas of our lives, while we intentionally develop other roles and characters that involve sharing and empathy. Specialization Specialization, which is the result of excellence, has become another major characteristic of Western culture, and it provides the basic motivation behind every system. We cannot survive without specializing in a narrow field, since this is a precondition for success in education, industry, business, science, politics and the arts. So what's wrong with specialization, and why is it a false value? The answer is simple. Specialization limits our role playing range and focuses us on one limited acting part. We thus become slaves of ideas, industry, science, employers, etc. Playing the role of the specialist means that we actually stop being experts and become human beings lacking in individuality. If you choose the specialist's role, you will Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training become a 'general', a 'lawyer', a 'composer' or a 'chef' for the rest of your life and will never develop your potential as a human being. It is important to separate specialization from competitiveness, broadening our field of interest to include many other areas. While people who are interested in more than one field are sometimes considered superficial, in many cases they are more creative and contented than others, since they are actualizing their potential. Such people are more prepared for inevitable changes in their lives and they cope better with crisis. Titles Image and public relations play a central role in our lives, and motivate us to respect titles more than the activity they represent. The acquisition of such titles as 'doctor', 'director', 'actor', 'pilot', 'member of parliament', 'painter' or just 'celebrity' has become a major goal in our society. Running after titles is a false value that channels all our energy in one direction and focuses us on one role. In actual fact, the chief purpose of titles is to impress others and promote social status. But wasting our energy on titles causes us to relinquish many other roles that could enrich our lives, give us satisfaction and help us cope in times of crisis. We should keep in mind that the titles we acquire might impress other people, but might also damage our role-playing skills. Instead, we could view the pursuit of a title as a social game, while at the same time practicing other roles and characters, so that we can switch them when necessary. Diagnosis and labeling In a world based on image and publicity, we tend to replace personal relationships with generalizations based on diagnosis and labeling. We categorize people by affixing labels to them that represent our subjective view of their roles and characters. This is often misleading and blinds us to other people's true nature, damaging our relationship with them. Diagnosing and labeling might be easier than listening and paying Chapter 12: The theater of life attention to other people, but it prevents us from identifying which roles and characters other people are portraying. Therefore we should give up diagnosing and labeling others as much as possible, in order to acknowledge the roles they are playing, improve our relationship with them, learn from them and also improve our own role playing by attuning it to theirs. Practice: Theater training Since we are always performing in the theater of life, we can practice and improve our role playing skills anytime and anywhere. There are many options for doing this, but it will be difficult to start doing this if you are used to playing one role and one character and if you hang on to the accepted definition of authenticity. But you needn't worry. As is true of the seven emotional skills, these skills will improve on condition that you practice them, leading to a marked improvement in many aspects of your life. Start practicing role playing gradually, choosing those roles and characters that come most naturally to you. Start with the various roles that you already play at home, at your workplace and with your friends. Identify these roles and try altering them slightly through improvisation. Remember that each role and character you play integrates the seven emotional skills, which you are still practicing separately. Draw on your experience with the seven emotional skills and use them to create and improve your roles and characters. Do not lose sight of the goal of role playing, and indeed of all seven emotional skills, which is to create the sense of a safe place. Your measure of success with any role and character you play is if you feel safe and secure while assuming it. If you feel threatened or anxious, this is an indication that you need to change or replace your role or character with a more appropriate one. Change your mask We are programmed to cope with every situation by assuming a particular mask from our repertoire. Each mask is portrayed by means Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training of special mimicry or facial expressions that reveal our emotions. By changing our masks, we influence other people's feelings towards us, since our facial expressions automatically activate other people's empathic genes. When we smile, other people automatically feel secure and smile back at us. When we frown, other people might feel threatened and distance themselves from us. By practicing various kinds of masks, we will succeed better in choosing the right mask for every situation. Our masks also influence our own feelings. Our brain does not distinguish between internal and external stimuli, so by changing our facial expression, we activate our empathic gene and change our mood accordingly. This explains the phenomenon of auto-suggestion. It also explains why deliberately changing our facial expression will make us feel better. Identify your masks We switch masks many times a day, but we do this unconsciously, so at times we are not aware of the various masks we have in our repertoire. Before practicing the art of changing masks, start by taking stock of your current collection. Create a 'mask inventory'. Take a piece of paper or a notebook and make a list of all the masks you use to express happiness, anger, frustration, insult, thoughtfulness, etc. Make a list of absent masks. Now look at other people and make a list of which masks you would like to add to your repertoire. Practice in front of the mirror. Now stand in front of the mirror and try on all the masks you have indicated on your two lists. You will be surprised to see the difference between the mental image you have of the mask and your actual facial expression. Practice this until you are satisfied with your masks. Practice your favorite masks It is obvious that positive masks are vital to our everyday role playing Chapter 12: The theater of life and that we should practice them until they become natural and spontaneous. Following are masks that express happiness: Practice your smiling mask. Nothing is more impressive and powerful than a smiling mask. Smile whenever you meet other people, at home, at work and in public places, and people will smile back and give you a better feeling. Practice your laughing mask. Laughter is associated in our brains as an expression of happiness and health, and it always improves our mood. If you practice laughing with other people, you will feel better, improve relationships and create a pleasant atmosphere. You can practice a few minutes of laughter exercises every day with your partner, children, work colleagues, students or even business associates. Practice your negative masks There are some situations in which you need to assume negative masks, namely, when you wish to express negative feelings like anger or frustration, and you should practice such masks as well. Play a communal 'mask game'. A 'mask game' is an efficient way of practicing masks, while at the same time introducing an amusing game that invariably engenders interesting group dynamics. You can play this game whenever you meet with groups of friends or family members. You can run wild like children, while the organizer chooses which mask you must all assume. You can put on angry faces and growl at one another like animals or assume insulted masks accompanied by crying and weeping. Arrange a masked ball. People love masked balls, where they can play a part they do not dare attempt in their everyday lives. You can arrange such parties, even on a monthly basis, in which everybody practices donning different masks. The only rule to be followed at such parties is that you don't use real masks, but only makeup that will alter your facial expression. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training Assume a disguise and play a role Do you remember Mark Twain's book, The Prince and the Pauper? This is a story about a prince who was used to living with his royal family in a large palace, and never had the chance to see how the common people lived in his kingdom. One day he met a poor boy of the same age, and asked him to switch roles. We all play the role of a prince, who views the world through a narrow window. We have no idea how other people live their lives, and we categorize and label them as 'friendly', 'hostile', 'poor', 'intelligent', 'ugly', 'attractive' etc. By relinquishing our accustomed role and stepping into other people's shoes, we can learn a lot about the world we live in and achieve a better understanding of others. In such a way we can learn to create new characters, and also practice the skill of empathy. We can do this by disguising our original identity and playing a new role and a different character in a place where no one knows us. We do not have to be professional actors or spies to do this, and it is easier than it sounds. For instance, if you are introverted and shy in your everyday life, you can be more open and sociable. If you are accustomed to controlling others at home or at work, you can try being more sharing and submissive in the new environment. Join a group Join a group of people who share a common interest with you. Find a group that focuses on a field in which you have no prior experience, in order to meet new people and develop skills and interests that you were not aware of before. Join a literary club. Such a group will encourage you to discover your writing potential. You do not have to be brilliant or 'creative'. You just need to be willing to share what you write with others. A literary club will provide you with a new stage upon which to try out your new performing skills and improve your skills of speech and oratory before a supportive audience. Join a choir. If you have never sung before, a choir is an Chapter 12: The theater of life opportunity to improve your voice capacities, learn how to listen and cooperate with other people and practice functioning on an equal basis with other actors in the same performance. Join a sports club. Joining a football or baseball team is similar to joining a choir, and it will allow you experience teamwork. You will learn how to play the part of a team member and create a new character which is more physically active than your previous ones. Be anonymous If you find it difficult to disguise your everyday character and assume a new role, you should start by doing this far away from your familiar surroundings. To do this you need to temporarily escape from your everyday life to a place where you can keep your anonymity and practice taking on a new role. Go out of town. You could go far away, to another town in another part of the country where nobody knows you. You could spend your time there in public places, meeting people in bars, discos, professional conferences or political meetings. In such places you could introduce yourself as a different character and play a role you've never tried before. Go abroad. It would be even easier to go abroad for a short vacation, and meet local people or other tourists. There, in another language, you can attempt a different role without feeling embarrassed. If you are shy, you can try to be a little forward; if you are hesitant, you can try to play the adventurer; if you are tidy, try being disorganized and if you are a little careful with money, this is your chance to play at being a spendthrift. Volunteer Caring for others, supporting our friends and family and helping other people are some of the most important roles anybody can assume, but most people aren't very good at doing this. A good way to learn and practice supporting others is to volunteer for a help organization. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training Join a helpline. A telephone helpline is a wonderful way of gaining experience in listening, anonymously, to other people, temporarily setting aside your own personal needs. Listening to and advising people you don't know will improve your empathic skills and teach you how to be less judgmental. Work with children. By volunteering to work with children, you can learn to play the role of 'big brother', parent or 'responsible adult', and learn how to communicate with and perform for an audience that has a different point of view than your own. You could offer to help a child in your neighborhood with his homework or volunteer at an orphanage. Join a community project. The best way to learn how to cooperate with other people is to join a community project. There are many organizations that support people in various ways: soup kitchens for hungry people, shelters for abused women, neighborhood clean-up projects, reading to blind people, visiting lonely elderly people, etc. Use a mask online While assuming a disguise and searching for new roles and characters in real life is not so easy, the Internet makes it possible to easily assume unaccustomed roles and characters. This will enable you to develop your role playing skills and widen your repertoire. Actually, the Internet affords thousands of people a therapeutic means of assuming new roles. They might participate in groups and forums of various kinds, creating a new identity by assuming an alias and impersonating a total different personality. The Internet has become a major arena for practicing role play, as this can be done while retaining total anonymity and at the same time formulating a new type of character and practicing it through actual communication with other people. There are no risks involved in engaging in such impersonations, as long as you do not take advantage of other people or harm them. Chapter 12: The theater of life Play online games Many web sites enable you to engage in free role play; you can find hundreds or even thousands of online games on the net. Such games allow you to choose a fictional character and assume its role in an adventure game or quest. The main advantage of such role playing is the opportunity it affords to reconnect with those role play skills you had as a child, putting aside any inhibitions and fears that deter you from implementing them as an adult. Play on your own. You can assume the role of any character you wish at any time when you are alone and practice interacting with other fictional characters. This is an effective way of practicing role playing, although without an audience. Join a multi-player website. You can join such a website, where your fictional character can meet other fictional characters being portrayed by other participants in real time. Such role play activities will let you interact with other players and experience performing for an audience. Join discussion groups In a discussion group you can meet groups of people online for many purposes, while identifying yourself with an alias. You can create any character you choose and try out different roles. This is a very effective way of practicing all kinds of relationships and assuming many kinds of masks in order to add new characters and roles to your repertoire. An open forum. You can join a forum involving any interest group, from chess players to mountain climbers, present yourself as a fictional character and practice playing this new role. The purpose of such practice is to communicate with other participants and create a convincing fictional character. In an open forum, the number of participants is not limited and the relationships you develop will be superficial ones, meant for the entire group. A professional group. A professional group is a forum that is Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training limited to members who share the same interest or occupation. On such a forum it is possible to create personal relationships with some of the members and communicate with them personally. This will give you an opportunity to practice the personality characteristics of your fictional character. Join support groups The Internet is a great substitute for psychotherapy, and many people find the help they require by joining support groups. Such forums focus on a common interest, such as mourning, relationships, emotional difficulties, minorities, etc. By joining a support group you can assume the role and experience the point of view of the weak, the injured or even the wounded. By learning to identify the wounded character within yourself and by playing the role of a fragile individual, you can learn some of the difficult roles you might have to play during the course of your life. Join a social network Most people use social networks as a stage on which to present themselves to the world, communicate with friends and acquaintances and meet new people. Such social networks seemingly force you to limit yourself to one character and one role for each, preventing you from playing many roles and practicing your role playing skills. However, there is a way in which you can use a social network for practicing and improving your role-playing skills. You can open a new e-mail account and create a special fictional character on any social network you choose. A social network enables you to create a reliable character, including photographs, texts and links to present your new character to the world. After creating your new profile, you can start communicating with other members of the network, make new friends, write personal texts and respond to those of other people. General social networks. On general social networks you can create any type of character or personality you wish. If you are a man, you can try playing the role of a woman; if you are Chapter 12: The theater of life young, you can assume the role of someone elderly; if you are single you can pretend that you are married and if you are unemployed you take the part of a company manager. Professional social networks. Professional social networks focus on forming commercial or professional contacts, although some of them are for paid members only. Through such social networks, you can practice professional communicative skills and create a character related to your interests. If you are studying law, you can pretend to be a judge or a lawyer, seeing how proficient you are at this. If you are about to open a new business, you can pretend that you are already running one, and interact with others in the field. Exchange roles to practice empathy In Chapter 6 I suggested writing as an excellent way of practicing empathy. Role playing allows you not only to write other people's stories, but actually to experience them. Exchanging roles will enable you to step into other people's shoes and experience how they feel, and this is the essence of empathy. By exchanging roles with your friends and relatives, you can see the world through their eyes and improve your relationship with them. Exchanging roles with rivals and even enemies is an excellent method of settling conflicts and discovering the other side's motives. At home, with family Relationships within the family are made up of many characters and roles. Although they are the main source of our strength and our sense of a safe place, they may also cause frustration and disappointment. Exchanging roles in the family will allow us to empathize with our loved ones, neutralize tensions and improve relationships. With parents. All children play this game, asking their parents to exchange roles. It is possible to ask your parents to do this for a few minutes. Just sit with them, talk about family matters, requesting of one of your parents to play your part, while you represent one of them. You can do the same with your children. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training With partners. Married couples tend to adhere to fixed roles, and this is one of the causes of misunderstandings. You can exchange roles when you are in conversation with one another, but it will be more effective if you also temporarily switch responsibilities. You could each speak with your partner's voice and play your partner's role for a few hours or an entire day. With family members. You can do the same with other family members, in order to create closer relationships or prevent conflict or when you wish to suggest an enjoyable game to play at family gatherings. At work Professional relationships in the workplace are based on a clear division of roles. Some play the part of managers, while others take the role of workers, clients and all kinds of experts. Switching roles in the workplace can improve relationships, trust, productivity, and also the participants' role playing skills. Staff meeting. When you meet with your colleagues, directors or managers, there is a set procedure for the interaction, where every member of the group respectively plays his specific role. Switching roles can render the meeting more effective, as it will enable members to understand their colleagues better, in addition to demonstrating to managers how their employees perceive them. Board meeting. At board meetings every member focuses on his or her role and is prepared to present his text. In most cases, such procedures and processes are predictable. Conflicts or disagreements are solved by debate or by decisions of the supreme authority. If each of the members switched roles with the person sitting on his left, the whole process would change dramatically and each participant would receive new insights and also improve his skill of role playing. Work meeting. When you meet colleagues, bosses or clients, there is always a conflict of interests, which is obvious and legitimate. Creating the sense of a safe place will allow you to bridge these gaps and improve the interaction. A simple way to Chapter 12: The theater of life do this is to switch roles with the other parties, thereby creating a common language, understanding and empathy. With friends Sharing the importance of role playing skills with your friends might pave the way for practicing them together. It is possible to achieve new insights if you assume your friends' characters and roles, and this can also improve and deepen your relationship with them. Personal exchange. Choose a friend with whom you wish to switch roles, someone whose character and fields of interests are different than yours. Prepare a setting in which you can both spend an hour, where each of you can play the other's role while performing a specific task. You can attempt to come to a decision involving work, finding a partner, solving a personal problem or reaching a consensus about a political issue or a film you've seen. Social game. You can also practice exchanging roles by means of a social game. You can meet with a group of friends and play a scene in which each of you has an assignment and must play the part of someone else. For instance, each of you can reveal a secret, share a dream, describe a relationship with somebody else or just tell about your workday. With rivals and enemies Exchanging roles with rivals and enemies is a very effective way to cope with conflicts, quarrels and wars, since it automatically creates empathy, which is the precondition for any kind of positive interaction. Conflicts create anxieties which disrupt our emotional skills and particularly block our empathetic abilities. They cause us to react aggressively, dehumanize the other side and escalate the conflict. Switching roles can help us break this vicious circle and open ourselves to negotiation. Such role play can help us understand and empathize with the other party and see his point of view, while at the same time attempting to explain our position in a convincing way. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training Conflicts with friends. Sometimes it is hard to settle a dispute with a friend, and this might endanger the relationship. By asking your friend to meet, in the presence of a third party, and switch roles, you can create a safe place for working things out while considering the feelings of both sides. The act of exchanging roles is in itself a positive interaction, which breaks the ice and eases tension. Conflicts with rivals. Business competitors and political rivals are generally not your friends, but you can bring in a mediator in order to settle conflicts with them. Switching roles is much more effective than arguing and bargaining. If each of you can present the other side's position fairly, it will be much easier to solve the conflict. Conflicts with enemies. It is a difficult task to get our true enemies to meet with us and engage in role play, but it is worthwhile making an effort to do so. If your enemies are members of the same society and country as you are, you can employ a middleman to arrange a meeting on neutral ground. Countries do not lend themselves to role play, but independent organizations can arrange meeting of citizens of both countries in a neutral country, including participants who share the same interests, such as teachers, businessmen, artists, children, etc. At such encounters, switching roles can teach each side much more about the other one than can be learned from theoretical material. Such an activity is capable of creating a new culture of peace. Join a psychodrama group Although you need the skill of role playing to participate in the actual theater of life, you can also practice it in a much safer environment, namely, a psychodrama group. Such groups enable you to review and receive insights about your life by playing scenes from the past and watching other people enacting their own. This is a psychotherapeutic process in a supportive environment, and it is always a learning experience. In addition, by joining such groups you can also practice and improve your role Chapter 12: The theater of life playing skills and you can examine alternative scenarios. Join a drama group You can also participate in theatrical activity in the form of a drama course, community playhouse or amateur actors' group. Playing a role in a real dramatic presentation will allow you to actually practice the role of another character. Although such characters are fictional, your experience will be real and will enrich your repertoire of roles and characters, help you improve your role playing skills and teach you to switch roles more easily. Participate in social games Although children integrate role play in their everyday games-playing, adults limit it to special events where role playing is a sort of ceremony. This ceremony can take the form of a social game; participating in such a game will give you an opportunity to practice role play. It is advisable for adults to rejuvenate their childhood role-playing skills, leaving their everyday lives behind and entering a new world with different rules and opportunities to portray a variety of characters. Real games. You can participate in various card games, sports like football, basketball or tennis, board games like chess, checkers or backgammon, in addition to video games or online games in which you can assume different identities. This will renew your childhood experiences and allow you to continue practicing various roles as part of a social game. Social activities. Many social activities are in fact games that oblige you to leave your everyday character behind and learn to play a new role in a social framework. This could involve hiking, mountain climbing, fishing, camping, skiing or hunting. You can choose a character that is always onstage, making others laugh, or the 'director' helping others play their part. You can be the one who takes the initiative, the leader, or the follower who always holds back. Such activities afford a Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training change of scenery and a chance to practice new roles and characters. Take the role of a trainee The most commonly accepted way to practice role playing in our culture is an internship period that is an integral part of acquiring expertise. Being a trainee in a hospital, law office or artist's studio is an adjustment period to a new life role. Internship is a game and a performance that enables you to gradually learn your new role and create your new character, while attuning yourself to the new laws of the game, the scenery and the timing. We limit internship to our professional lives, but it could also be the gateway to learning new skills in ordinary life, thus allowing us to acquire and develop new roles and characters and enrich our dramatic skills Practicing your skill of role playing by learning from other people through internship is easy and profitable for both sides. All you have to do is to volunteer to help an expert in a field that interests you, especially if this expertise is related to skills he engages in after hours. Asking people to share their gift with you expresses your appreciation by offering them the main role in your play. They can benefit from your assistance, while you can learn to play a new role in a safe, supportive atmosphere. Train with your friends If you open your eyes and look around you, will find that among your friends there are experts in many fields who could help you acquire basic skills. All you have to do is find a friend whose abilities you admire from whom you wish to learn a particular skill, and ask him or her to take you on as an apprentice for a limited period. Being successful in such a situation depends on your ability to disregard differences in age or social status and play your new role sincerely and devotedly. Practical skills. If you are interested in learning more about Chapter 12: The theater of life photography, cooking, building, woodworking, gardening, etc., ask a friend whose achievements in these fields are impressive to take you on as an apprentice. This will only be possible in areas in which you could be of practical use to your friend. If, for example, your friend is a piano teacher, you will have to pay to study with him, since such study is not training. But if your friend is a great amateur chef, he might be glad to have you as his apprentice when he needs to preparing a dinner for a special occasion. Creative skills. If your friend is a semi-professional artist, you can help him in his workshop and acquire skill at the same time, as was common in the Italian Renaissance. Emotional skills. Among your friends you might discover someone who is more successful than you are at a certain emotional skill, and you can ask him or her to explain how it is done. For instance, if you are single and your friend is better than you are at developing relationships with women, you can ask him to demonstrate how he succeeds so well. Or if your friend is always telling jokes, while you have no sense of humor, watch him in action and try to determine how this is done. If you are a young woman who finds it difficult choosing clothes that compliment you, find a friend who is an expert in this field, go shopping with her and observe how she chooses clothes and accessories. Train with professionals If you don't succeed in finding an expert among your friends in your chosen field of interest, you might need to approach a professional expert. In such cases it will be necessary to modestly express your admiration of his or her accomplishments and state that you don't aim to be an expert, but only to acquire more knowledge in this field, and that you are prepared to pay for the opportunity to be an apprentice. This kind of apprenticeship is appropriate to areas of endeavor that offer no shortcuts and require on-the-job experience. For instance, you could work alongside someone who has developed a special technique for constructing buildings out of mud bricks. He might well be able to use your help, thus both of you will benefit. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training Write your next play Before you choose to learn new roles and develop new characters, it is necessary for you to write your next play and be ready for the new role you wish to portray. Once you have the new text ready, either as a written document or in your head, it will be much easier to find the right way to practice and improve your role playing skills. Your next play is in actual fact the business plan of your life. Take a piece of paper and write down your plans, dreams and expectations; this will make it easier for you to recognize the roles and characters that you need to add to your repertoire. However, like all the other practice exercises involved in Emotional Training, you should continually revise your business plan and always be ready with your next play or performance. You can write these in the form of a story, in which you see yourself playing another role in your theater of life. When you gain experience in writing down your next play, you will be able to do this easily in your mind's eye, wherever you are, and prepare yourself for the role you about to play. Write your next scene At the moment you are reading this book, but within a short time, you will be doing something else. This 'something else' is your next scene, in which you will play some kind of character role. This could be delivering a university lecture, participating in a business meeting or serving a family dinner. Perhaps you have already played this role hundreds of times before or perhaps this is a new scene that you are going to play for the first time. In any case, you need to be prepared, since the scenes of your life, like the backdrop of reality, are in constant flux, so that you need to attune your role and character to the actual situation. By writing this down, you are actually preparing yourself for your next role. It is impossible to plan and prepare for every scene in your life, but ongoing practice will allow you to do this rapidly in your imagination. Remember Aristotle's rules of thumb? They can help you focus on the core elements: Time. Prepare the timing of you next scene: When will it Chapter 12: The theater of life begin? How long will it take? What is its schedule? Will there be intermissions? Plan your entrances and exits and be prepared for unexpected changes in the timetable. Space. Describe the setting of your next scene. Where will it take place? What is the scenery like? What kind of costumes should you wear? Where are the entrances and exits? How can you navigate easily through this space and how can you adapt it to your needs? Try to imagine how you will move in this setting and how to make it feel more secure. Action. Now it is time to plan the play's main scenario or possible variations on it. Describe the goal of the action and your expectations from it. Imagine the roles of the other participants, and the part they will play in realizing the outcome. Think of alternative ways to end the performance. Emotional skills. Now go over the five emotional skills that take part in the action—awareness, language, listening and empathy, agreement and message—and practice them in order to attune yourself to your role and character. Repertoire. Review your repertoire and select the most suitable role and character for this scene. Rehearse it and adapt it to the scene, so that you will be ready to go on stage. Write your next plan We always have plans and expectations for the near future. We plan to spend the weekend with our parents, meet our boss and ask for a raise in salary, join a choir or have a serious talk with our partner. Each of our plans is a performance, in which we play a role and a character. Even if you are experienced in performing such parts, and have already acquired a large repertoire of roles and characters, it is imperative to prepare for every presentation in your life as though it were the first one. Repeat the 'next scene guideline'. Following Aristotle's rules of thumb, relate to the emotional skills and review your repertoire of roles and characters in light of them. Write the scenario. Your next plan might include more than one scene and might develop into a drama. Be prepared for Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training such an option by writing a complete scenario that describes the storyline of such a drama. Write the play of your life From childhood on, many people carry with them a vision, a dream, a mission or a goal they desire to fulfill, while others have a wish they hope will come true. Sometimes these long-term plans change in the course of our lives, but most of the time we do not review them or put them in question. As you already know, Emotional Training regards such an attitude as a sure-fire route to crisis and disappointment. Although we cannot change our long-term plans and goals on a daily basis, we should finetune them continuously in order to attune them to the ever-shifting scenery of our lives. A long-term plan is not (as most people believe) a performance that will take place in the future, but rather it provides the stage directions for the drama in which we are acting right now. Being prepared for our life drama and attuning it to our present situation will improve our role playing and bring us closer to achieving our goals. Practice this in writing until it becomes a habit and leads you successfully through the scenes and dramas of your life. Examine your long term plans. Review your plans, dreams, wishes and goals and discover the role and character you must play in order to get your show produced on the stage of your private theater. Check your role and character. Be sure that your repertoire includes the role and character needed for realizing your plans. If not, change the role or learn a new one, until it fits your needs. Write the suitable drama for your role. Shape your play until your role and character are an integral part of the plot. Make the necessary adjustments to allow you to perform your role successfully. Be flexible. If you find it difficult to integrate the role you chose into your plans and dreams and your prospective theater production, do not hesitate to exchange them for dreams and Chapter 12: The theater of life goals that are appropriate to your abilities. This might be difficult at first, but it can eventually free you from a heavy burden. Go on stage Now that you have acquired some role-playing experience, go on stage and share your achievements with the world. Be aware of the many stages around you, and do not hesitate to implement any options that improve your performance. Stage acting is a powerful means of communication that can enable you to convey your message clearly and effectively to many people simultaneously. Every scene in your life and every encounter with others provide some kind of a stage. In social gatherings, going on stage means being at the center of the group and playing your part by relating an anecdote, imparting information or organizing an event. At school or university, it is the opportunity to present a paper or speak to the class. In the workplace, it takes the form of professional meetings with colleagues, employers or clients, where you can present your position or sell your products. There are many stages available to creative people such as galleries, concert halls and interviews with the media. By going on stage, you actualize your skill of role playing, while at the same time continuing to practice and improve it. Do not hesitate to utilize any stage available to you in order to play your part and continue improving your role playing skills. Find the stage 'All the world's a stage', but most people forgot that they are the actors, so they do not identify the various public platforms that they encounter every day. After practicing your skill of role playing and planning your next play in writing, it is time to begin performing wherever and whenever you can. Don't forget that you always carry your own stage with you, and that it doesn't depend on other people or circumstances. It is simply necessary to define your stage and determine its boundaries, so that other people will take notice of your performance. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training Prepare the ground for the show. Any interaction with other people is a scene in which you play some kind of a role, but if your stage is not ready, it will be hard for you to perform. Be aware of your stage and choose it carefully. Don't improvise until your stage is fully prepared. Take the time to find the right location and be sure that other people are not already occupying the stage of your choice. Design your scenery. After choosing your stage's location, design the scenery in such a way that it will serve your needs. Arrange it according to your position in the leading role, while allotting room for the supporting actors and the audience. Announce that the curtain is rising. When your stage is properly prepared and arranged, announce that the show is about to begin, so that everyone is paying attention, ready for the curtain to go up on the first scene. Choose the right play Now that your stage is ready, make sure you are prepared with the appropriate content, or message. Don't forget that your play must convey a message to your audience, not just entertain them. No matter how well prepared a play or an improvisation is, it must have the proper content to convey your message. Choose your topic. Be ready with a clear and unambiguous topic that serves your goal. Focus on one topic at a time and avoid involving additional ones. Focus on the here-and-now. Always be aware of your audience and the present situation, and adapt your content to you actual goal in presenting your play. Prepare backup. Be ready with a play that you have performed in the past, which you can fall back on whenever you lose control or feel unsafe. Chapter 12: The theater of life Choose your character Review your repertoire of characters and choose the appropriate one for the situation at hand and the play's content. Your familiar character. You could choose the character your audience identifies you with. This is the easy option, which will help you and your audience focus on the content and the message of your show. Your improved character. You can emphasize your message by introducing it by means of an improved character, one that resembles your usual character, but that has been transformed into a new one. This is a way of presenting new ideas or demonstrating suggested changes. A new character. You can surprise your audience by introducing a new character. Such a performance can present innovative ideas more successfully due to your role playing skill and flexibility. Choose your role Among the characters in your repertoire, there are some that may take on different roles. For instance, in your character as your parents' son, you have played the role of a small child, a teenager, a young adult and an adult, and when they reach old age, you might switch roles with them and take the part of a caring 'responsible adult'. When visiting your parents in young adulthood, you might choose to revert to the role of the small child for a few hours. Then, when meeting your parents' friends on the street outside, you can still continue to portray your parents' son, but change your role to that of an independent son who has embarked on adult life as a university student. In each scene of your life it is necessary to be aware of the various possible roles of each character you choose to play. Forget everything and start again The more you practice the skill of role playing, the more experienced Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training and confident you will become during every scene of your life, and the richer your repertoire will be, filled with characters and roles that can appear on every stage you perform on. Whatever role and character you are currently playing will activate your seven emotional skills and create the sense of a safe place for yourself and for your audience. Don't forget that in the theater of life, the chief goal is to create the sense of a safe place, and that it does not involve acting for acting's sake. As you are already aware, no character or role that you play will ever be perfect, but it is possible through practice to improve and attune them to the current scene and stage. (Otherwise they will become false roles and characters.) In order to bring this process forward, it is important to regard every stage and scene of your life as a fresh experience, in which it is necessary to attune all your skills and knowledge to the new situation. Remember that you always have a dual mission: to attune yourself to the new stage, while acquiring and improving additional role-playing skills. PART III Applications In this book I have presented the emotional process model, which is a new concept of human nature, and the method of Emotional Training that is based on this concept. I have focused on the seven inborn emotional skills and have suggested a simple way to practice and improve them in order to create the sense of a safe place and realize creative potential. While the second part of the book enabled you to be aware of your emotional process and your individual use of the emotional skills, this section will briefly present some of the many applications of this new concept and method in every aspect of our lives. Each of these applications opens up new options for research, practice, seminars or related books, and I would be glad to cooperate with anyone who wishes to join me in this new field. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training Chapter 13 Emotional Training in everyday life The new concept of human nature and the Emotional Training method are relevant to all aspects of our lives, and we can implement them in order to improve our everyday existence. Since the main task of our emotional skills is to help us create the sense of a safe place, the practice of Emotional Training will help us cope with all the manifestations of natural death anxiety in our daily lives, improve our well-being and bring us happiness. We live in the midst of a new revolution that is changing the world order and by-passing the hierarchies that controlled our lives up till the 21st century. The political hierarchy enslaved us to bureaucratic systems, officials and leaders, rules and borders. The communications bureaucracy enslaved us to the monopolies of postal, telephone and transportation services that were the only method of communication with others. The information hierarchy enslaved us to the media tycoons (that controlled newspapers, radio, TV), library and archive directors and governments that attempted to conceal various types of information. The economic hierarchy forced us to work for the large concerns, and then to consume the products we manufactured. We were enslaved to a hierarchy of monopolies that controlled every aspect of our lives. The Internet revolution has broken through political and economic borders, enabling us to by-pass a hierarchy of powerful monopolies. Almost everyone in the world can communicate directly with anyone else, without being dependent on a hierarchic monopolistic system. The Internet revolution has also bypassed the information monopoly, allowing us access to a wealth of information. Although political systems and economic monopolies still apparently retain their power, this is only a temporary illusion. Direct equal Internet communication is enabling us to waive consumer culture and create a global culture of sharing, while completely by-passing governmental and commercial superstructures. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training One of the obstacles to the successful realization of this revolution is our enslavement to a therapeutic hierarchy, which controls our physical and emotional processes. We are enslaved to networks of physical and mental health services, insurance companies and drug corporations. We believe that someone else in this hierarchy of 'therapists' and 'healers' knows better than we do how to control our emotions and maintain our health. In actual fact, the hierarchy of 'healers' has also changed in past decades. The Internet enables many people to find emotional support without being dependent on psychologists and psychiatrists and their diagnoses, while online information sources warn us against dangerous medical procedures. Researchers have found that most people today prefer alternative to classical medicine. The main cause of the delay in bypassing the hierarchy of 'healers' is our disregard of those emotional skills that would enable us to cope independently with upheavals and difficulties, without depending on 'specialists' who hold a monopoly over the 'mind'. Emotional Training is a part of the abovementioned revolution that is influencing every aspect of our lives. Practicing Emotional Training can free us of a dependence on those who seek to control us. This will allow us to take responsibility for our lives and join a new culture based on sharing and empathy, thus bypassing the restrictive mental health hierarchy. Improving emotional skills Life in the 21st century is engulfing us with information, new technologies and rapid changes in all aspects of life: political, social, climatic, ecological and cultural. Attuning ourselves to changing reality is becoming more difficult than ever. At the same time, we have never been taught how to use our emotional skills, which could help us cope with the increasing noise and pressure, creating the sense of a safe place. The result is a buildup of stress that affects our quality of life, leads to crises, damages our health and serves as a major cause of premature mortality. By making Emotional Training a way of life, everybody can rehabilitate and improve their emotional skills, cope with crisis and Chapter 13: Emotional Training in everyday life build up their emotional immune system. Emotional Training is capable of replacing all kinds of external interventions or manipulations (therapy, medication, spiritual healing). It is a comprehensible and easily applied method that anyone can practice daily. Coping with crises Western culture is based on the assumption that our personal development involves a series of inevitable crises. This assumption has given rise to an entire industry of therapeutic techniques and manuals for coping with crisis. Obviously, these invariably come too late. In most cases, crisis is not mandatory. It is always the result of not being attuned to changing reality, i.e., of neglecting our emotional skills. A crisis occurs when the gap between reality and the way we behave becomes unbridgeable. For instance, if we ignore the symptoms of physical distress, the crisis appears in the form of an illness. If we ignore the cracks on our walls, the crisis takes the form of a collapsed ceiling. If we ignore the warning signals transmitted by our emotional process, the crisis appears as a loss of our sense of security and increased anxiety. We can conclude, then, that by practicing Emotional Training and improving our emotional skills, we can attune ourselves to reality and prevent crisis. Obviously it is impossible to avert crisis entirely, since reality is always a step ahead of us, and natural disasters, for example, are out of our control. But practicing Emotional Training will better prepare us to cope with any crisis that comes along. Coping with anxiety Anxiety - especially death anxiety - is the most widespread emotion generated by our dangerous and threatening world. Unfortunately, although in olden times our basic instinct helped us cope with anxiety and survive the threat of wild animals, nowadays it temporarily paralyzes most of our physical systems, giving rise to a long-term anxiety that impairs normal functioning. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training The uncertainty of 21ST century life increases anxiety levels followed by increasing stress and crisis. Anxiety and stress overshadow our everyday lives, but also endanger our health, damage our immune system and shorten our lives. We can bypass anxiety by creating the sense of a safe place by means of our emotional skills. By daily training and continuously creating the sense of a safe place, we can keep anxiety at bay as much as possible. Coping with trauma and shell shock I developed the method of Emotional Training to cope with my own shell shock, a result of the Sinai war of 1973. I suffered from PTSD symptoms for many years, until I realized that there was no effective solution for my distress. Most therapists wrongly regard PTSD as a mental illness that requires a cure. Actually, post trauma is not an illness, but an acute feeling of having lost the sense of a safe place. It is one of the most extreme forms of crisis, which severely damages the emotional process of its victims and generates a continuous state of anxiety. Emotional Training is not psychotherapy, nor is it a manipulation that can miraculously heal PTSD victims. It is a way of life that can enable these individuals to rehabilitate their emotional process and learn from scratch the art of creating the sense of a safe place. In my group workshops for PTSD victims, either in person or through the online clinic that I have developed, I help them recreate their sense of a safe place and cope with anxiety without the use of drugs or psychotherapy. By daily practice, PTSD victims can overcome their symptoms, learn to create relationships, go back to work and be creative and happy. Love and happiness 'Happiness' and 'love' are among the most ambiguous terms in our language. On the one hand, there is general agreement that all human being strive for happiness and love. On the other hand, most people view happiness in utopian and unrealistic terms and believe that 'true Chapter 13: Emotional Training in everyday life love' is rare and almost impossible. Happiness and love are always regarded as temporary and fleeting, and we are always skeptical about people who describe themselves as happy or who claim that they have found true love. Those who are responsible for frustratingly false concepts of happiness and love are advertisers and distributers who present impossible images of happiness and love involving material wealth and images of very young, thin, sexy and beautiful boys and girls. If we believe that happiness and love can only be achieved, fleetingly, by amassing property, starving ourselves or becoming famous, we will be addicted to an eternal futile search for happiness and love based on ephemeral unrealistic goals. The new concept of human nature suggests alternative definitions of happiness and love. From the viewpoint of Emotional Training, our main motivation is to continuously create the sense of a safe place. Happiness derives from an ongoing effort to improve our emotional skills and create the sense of a safe place. Our everyday practice of creating the sense of a safe place using the seven emotional skills in all our interactions is in fact happiness. If we control our emotional process and do our best to feel secure, we will feel happy, in spite of dangers, difficulties or mistakes. Love is our ongoing effort to create the sense of a safe place in our relationships with other people. An intimate, secure relationship, which is constantly nurtured, is the ultimate sense of a safe place, in other words, love. Therefore, it is actually quite easy to achieve love and happiness, although not by means of any instant miracle cure, but by practicing Emotional Training on a daily basis. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training Chapter 14 Emotional Training in relationships Interpersonal relationships play a central role in our lives and influence our personal development, achievements and happiness. The art of creating relationships, which is the most important skill needed in order to survive and succeed in our lives, is not part of any educational program, in either compulsory or higher education. It is no wonder, then, that most of our life crises and difficulties are the result of unsuccessful relationships. We invest years and considerable effort in finding a partner and we are unsuccessful at managing and maintaining our marriages; we devote all our energy and resources to raising our children, however most of them seem to be dissatisfied with the results; we attempt to win friends and influence people, but most of our life crises involve conflicts and struggles with others. Since other people are a part of the reality in which we live, and since creating relationships means attuning to reality, Emotional Training is a practical method of creating and maintaining relationships. Every type of relationship has its own unique characteristics, and these can be identified by implementing the seven emotional skills, which will allow you to practice and improve your relationships. The main source of difficulties in creating and maintaining relationships is the false belief that they are based on static conditions and a fixed agreement. This belief gives rise to expectations and delusions that can only end in frustration. Emotional Training enables us to maintain and improve our relationships on a daily basis. In my seminars for couples, parents and people in other kinds of relationships, I employ simulations to teach the participants how to identify and improve their emotional skills in order to create confident long-term relationships. Emotional Training for couples Living as a couple or being married are necessary conditions for Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training healthy living. This may sound conservative and old fashioned, but it is a fact that the life expectancy of happy couples in a stable marriage is longer than that of singles, their immune system functions more efficiently and their health is better. For about twenty-five years I was deeply involved in relationships for extended periods, but I never found them truly satisfying. In the past ten years, since I started developing Emotional Training, I practice it with my wife and I cannot imagine a better kind of relationship than the one I am part of today. While in the past I was resigned to a gradual fading of love and attraction following the first stages of a relationship, I am still amazed to find that a love relationship can become better and more profound with every passing day. Emotional Training guides us towards creating the sense of a safe place for both partners, which combines both happiness and love. Emotional Training is not a magical method of couples' therapy; it is simply based on attuning to one another daily. Emotional Training for parents While we need a license to drive, teach, practice medicine, and even fish, anyone can become a parent, with no training or qualifications. As we all know, childhood profoundly affects our future and we all carry with us the scars of inadequate parenting. This inadequacy is not inevitable, and parenting can be learned and improved. Emotional Training focuses parents' attention on their relationships with their children and on the daily changes that are natural to child development. It enables them to attune to the changing needs of their children and accept non-egalitarian and non-reciprocal relationships, while at the same time being aware of their own needs. Practicing Emotional Training with your children will assist you in preparing them for life changes and difficulties and will help you protect them from those anticipated crises than can impair their development. Emotional Training for singles Many people rely on vocational guidance at significant junctures in Chapter 14: Emotional training in relationships their lives. Other people turn to a marriage counselor when they have difficulties with their partners or family therapy when they have problems with their children. But most people have no idea how to find a life partner, wasting precious time and investing considerable resources in the 'love industry'. The love industry is based on the false concept that one's ideal partner will appear one day like a fairy tale princess or prince on a white horse. This concept is based on the confusion between love and falling in love. While love is the result of a mature and reciprocal relationship that can only be achieved by long and stable ties, falling in love is an illusion, which is necessary in that it enables us to cross the natural border of fear that would prevent us from letting down our defenses in front of a stranger. Falling in love is intoxicating and addictive, and the love industry exacerbates this addiction and damages our capacity to create love relationships. It brainwashes us through the media (that are replete with false images of 'true love', 'the better half', 'the only one', etc.), through fashions of beauty and style and through popular singles workshops and clubs. Millions of young people in the Western world waste time searching for 'true love' and they spend years complaining to their therapists about their own defects or the adverse influences of their parents' imperfect marriages. Finding a life partner can be an easy task once we realize that we must be prepared to meet a stranger, while drawing on our emotional skills in order to create the sense of a safe place to cope with our natural apprehensions. Emotional Training is a practical method of preparing to meet your chosen candidate for the first time, either with friends or on a blind date, by learning how to form new acquaintances and develop them into meaningful relationships. Emotional Training for social relationships "Tell me who your friends are and I will know who you are." This well-known saying expresses the importance we ascribe to our friends and other social contacts, which we regard as an extension of ourselves. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training Therefore, our capacity for creating and maintaining social relationships influences the way we function in the world, our ability to realize our potential, our likelihood of success and the level of support we can expect in times of crisis. We wrongly assume that some people are born with better social skills than others. In fact, these skills are acquired through experience and practice, and anyone can improve upon them immensely. The more we improve our social skills, the more secure we will feel. By practicing the seven emotional skills we can improve our ability to create and maintain social relationships, thereby optimizing the benefits of these relationships. Chapter 15 Emotional Training in professional relationships Although professional relationships involve professional matters, relationships are the key to success in any kind of professional interaction. Unfortunately, most professional training does not include practicing the skills of inspiring trust and interacting successfully. Even the most skilled professionals or directors will fail if they lack these basic interactive skills. Various types of relationship workshops have become popular in recent years, in order to compensate for the lack of basic training in creating professional relationships and to afford the opportunity to practice these skills. Nevertheless, there is no alternative to directly drawing on the emotional skills and implementing them to create the sense of safety and trust upon which any professional relationship must be based. Emotional Training is necessary in any type of professional interaction. My work with various groups of professionals has taught me how vital the emotional skills are for creating a sense of trust and safety in interpersonal professional relationships, as well as for fostering team spirit. Doctor-patient relationships In the past ten years, I have trained a number of family doctors and general practitioners in patient-doctor relationships. Such training is vital for medical organizations, since it instructs doctors how to conduct a medical consultation, reduces patient dissatisfaction and saves millions by reducing the use of drugs, tests and referrals to specialists. Research shows that about 80% of all patients approach family doctors due to psycho-social difficulties. Young, untrained doctors Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training tend to refer such patients for further medical examinations or to write prescriptions, whereas doctors who have undergone Emotional Training are capable of identifying the symptoms of anxiety and creating a sense of safety for their patients. While most family doctors can devote no more than seven minutes to every patient, they waste most of their time on idle chatter, without listening to their clients' messages. An American research study discovered that most family doctors listen to their patients for no more than fifteen seconds per meeting. Emotional Training shows doctors how to be more empathic and listen to their patients, how to create a clear agreement regarding their limited interactions with them and how to manage their time more efficiently. Therapeutic relationships It has become a convention that client-therapist relationships are the core of any therapeutic interaction and that they are more important than any particular therapeutic approach or theoretical assumption. Nevertheless, most training programs in all types of psychotherapy (and there are more than 400 psychotherapeutic schools) ignore it, and there is a lack of professional training concerning the therapeutic interaction. While preparing my PhD thesis, I researched various schools of psychotherapy and defined for the first time the common denominators of all sorts of therapeutic interactions. I identified seven categories of therapeutic ground rules necessary to therapeutic interactions. The purpose of these ground rules was to create the sense of a safe place for clients. According to these seven categories of ground rules, I developed a training course in therapeutic relationships in my own psychotherapy school. Such a course should be compulsory for any psychotherapist, who otherwise would be obliged to learn these vital skills by trial and error at the expense of his clients. Later I developed these seven categories of psychotherapeutic ground rules into the seven emotional skills, which are applicable to any kind of relationship. Chapter 15: Emotional Training in professional relationships Teacher-student relationships One of the most meaningful and influential relationships we experience is the teacher-student relationship. Learning is the foundation of our development, so the learning interaction has a great impact on our whole life experience. For instance, I have a talent for mathematics and physics, but when I first met my old high school mathematics teacher, who looked and behaved like a monster, I was so frightened that I chose to study literature, which was taught by a kind, wise and empathic teacher, and thanks to him, I still enjoy reading the Bible and all kinds of literature and poetry. One could safely say that a teacher's personality is more important than his professional skills, but such a 'personality' is not a gift from heaven. It is the result of practicing and developing the emotional skills. Like most human beings, a majority of teachers have never developed their emotional skills. In some cases they don't know how to share their knowledge with their student; in others they don't know how to cope with a classroom full of badly behaved children. During my work as an academic adviser to schools, I encountered all kind of teachers. This has led me to recognize the impact of the emotional skills on the learning process. Learning environments, whether school or university, can be quite frightening places. Stress, violence and fear disturb both teachers and students and damage the learning process. A secure learning environment with an empathic teacher is not a utopian idea; it can be achieved by both teachers and students through practicing Emotional Training. In my seminars for teachers, I taught them how to create a safe learning environment for their students, how to cope with the stress generated by the system and how to cooperate better with their colleagues. Seminars for children may help them improve their emotional skills, attune themselves to rapid changes in their abilities and cope with the many tasks they had to fulfill. Such seminars can increase children's empathy and decrease the level of violence in schools. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training Employer-employee relationships Relationships between employers and employees determine what kind of atmosphere there will be in any workplace and directly influence workers' motivation and productivity. Employers who do not know how to inspire a sense of trust and safety in their workers might increase anxiety levels and damage productivity. Employer-employee relationships also have an impact on those employee-customer or employee-supplier relationships upon which any business depends. By implementing Emotional Training, any business or factory can improve employer-employee relationships by daily practice, which can also serve as a measure of the spirit and atmosphere in the workplace and prevent crises. Business relationships Business interactions focus on shared interests. They could involve holding a company board meeting to discuss next year's budget or merely signing a contract with someone who wants to buy your car. But although business interactions are all about results, they are always influenced by relationships. Managers who know how to create business relationships that are based on trust and security achieve better business results. Emotional Training, with its clear definitions of the seven emotional skills, is easy to implement and adapt as part of the business vocabulary, since it includes some of the basics of business management (contracts, time management and clear messages). By practicing Emotional Training in business interactions as a formal procedure, all business activities can be improved, including negotiations, brainstorming, board meetings, planning, introspection and productivity. Emotional Training differs from other types of organizational counseling or team-building workshops, since it is a long-term, flexible method that can continuously be attuned to your own needs, without outside intervention. Chapter 15: Emotional Training in professional relationships Performers (musicians, actors) The performing arts are based on group work and cooperation. Such teamwork, which is transparent and exposed to the audience, often gives rise to stressful situations that involves a high level of group dynamics. While studying composition at a music academy, I also participated in the academy's semi-professional choir. Although not professional singers, we were all musicians, and we were led by a well-known conductor. We met twice a week for rehearsals, which became not only professional interactions, but also social occasions. We loved singing, and when we performed with the best orchestras or a cappella, you could always sense our enjoyment. This explains why we won first prize for young choirs at an international competition in Vienna. Although we were less professional than most of the other choirs, we won as a result of team work and enthusiasm. I had a similar experience when I once participated in a professional theater company. Creating group spirit is not an easy task for performing artists who are also renowned soloists in their own right. The leader of the group (the conductor, the director) must also serve as its emotional trainer. By integrating Emotional Training into rehearsals of the performing arts, one can add a magical component that differentiates between failure and success. Sports teams Sports teams (football, basketball, baseball, etc.) may also be considered to belong to the performing arts, but while musicians and actors focus on a here-and-now situation, members of sports teams focus on the result, and this makes them extremely alert, both physically and emotionally. Such teams practice their skills in training camps, in order to improve their results. Simultaneously they also participate in intensive group dynamics. Good relationships among group members and between the group and the trainer are crucial for the final result. The trainer of a sports team must always also be an emotional trainer. His behavior and the way he forms professional ties has a vital Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training impact both on team spirit and the final score. Integrating Emotional Training into sport teams' training plans can lead to better cooperation between the players and the trainer, which will also come to expression in the final results. Chapter 16 Emotional Training in social systems Although the communications and information revolution of the 21st century is having an impact on the life of every individual, antiquated social systems continue to function according to obsolete traditions. The present revolution provides all human beings with equal access to information and communications, while increasing the value of sharing and reducing the hierarchy of power, but most social systems are still motivated by a desire to control and manipulate. It would be no easy task to transform such complicated and conservative systems, and if the changes were too revolutionary, the result might be dangerous and destructive. Instead, Emotional Training recommends incremental changes, which would enable such systems to attune themselves to in today's world. Educational systems Compulsory elementary and secondary education, as well as higher education, is still based on old-fashioned concepts of power hierarchies and a monopoly over information. Governments enforce universal compulsory education, planning children's learning programs and methods and determining who will teach them, which fields of interest will be preferable and where they can find the information they require. Universities might provide their students with a little more freedom, but they are still run along similar lines. Such education is totally irrelevant to children and students who are coming of age in the 21st century. These superimposed, tightly structured educational systems are grounded in the assumption that people must be compelled to acquire education and knowledge and that most people hate learning. This is a false assumption, since learning is the foremost skill that can enable us to attune to reality and actualize our potential. Most children and students learn more from the on-line information super-highway than they do from all the years they spend Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training in compulsory education or at the university. Hierarchical learning (hierarchies of age and information sources) limits students to linear thinking and development and blocks their natural skills of parallel and spiral thinking. The gap between children's new knowledge and capacities and the demands of the educational system leads to a crisis that manifests itself as a reluctance to attend school, violence against teachers and other children and frustration all round. Does this mean that the educational system is superfluous? Not necessarily. The new revolution offer endless information and knowledge resources and a platform for sharing them in a supportive environment. Educational systems could in fact provide the best platform for learning and sharing, if they would relinquish their tight control over knowledge sources. Schools could offer children a computerized learning environment and a supportive faculty that would encourage positive social interaction. Expert teachers could monitor and supervise students over the Internet, either in groups or individually. This would upgrade teaching quality, give children and students everywhere the same opportunities and save the system millions. While the present situation continues, Emotional Training is an efficient method of decreasing tension, enabling children and teachers to attune themselves to change, be aware of their needs and their skills, and function and communicate efficiently in today's new environment. Emotional Training assists children in developing their skills and their natural learning capacity. It is also a useful method for promoting sharing and cooperation, and by its very nature, it can reduce the level of violence in schools and improve children's social involvement. Health systems Health systems in the Western world are beginning to take notice of Eastern medicine and alternative health methods, but they still function according to a hierarchical structure. When patients confront a crisis (which is always too late), they approach a GP, who sends them for tests. After they receive their results, they are referred to a specialist, and only then can they begin to receive medical treatment. Chapter 16: Emotional Training in social systems This process, which is motivated by economic reasons, overloads the system and does not make a positive contribution to patients' health. In this hierarchical system, family doctors serve as a bottleneck. They don't have enough time to listen to their patients and attend to their emotional complaints. As I mentioned before, Emotional Training can help family doctors cope with this obstacle, but more drastic changes are needed. Some health systems are already undergoing changes, replacing the term 'patients' with the term 'clients' and giving more weight to preventative medicine. In some health systems, clients can approach their family doctor online or obtain the information they need over the Net, and in future many medical examinations will be done this way. Emotional Training can help doctors be more attentive to their clients' emotional and physical messages and better understand the true source of their difficulties. It can also help the system adapt itself to anticipated changes and help clients learn to use the new online services. Social and welfare systems The welfare state was one of the cornerstones of Western culture in the 20th century. It meant that individuals were no longer totally dependent on their families or on volunteer organizations, since the state now provided all its citizens with social security benefits. This enlightened idea was put into practice by creating hierarchical systems of caregiving and administration, while those who were the most dependent on it became a new type of disadvantaged population. Naturally, such a hierarchy lacks the vital component of empathy, due to a conflict of interest between the funding systems and those who need help. The result of this conflict of interests is that governmental welfare systems cannot fulfill their goals. The family no longer provides a security net for its member as it did in the past, and this gap has been filled by voluntary organizations, whether private, religious or ideological. Some states replace their own services with such organizations, as they are more efficient and empathetic. The developing global online culture is giving rise to a new type of support system that is neither hierarchical nor institutionalized. Social Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training networks and open forums fulfill the role of safety nets for individuals. Such global social networks provide emotional support for millions of people, organize immediate first aid in times of natural disasters or political crises, protect human rights and promote consumers' struggles against monopolies. While such global social networks constitute a positive revolution, they do not fulfill all the functions of governmental social services. Emotional Training can help administrators and social systems integrate empathy into their services in order to improve them. It can also bridge the gap between old and new social systems by conducting discussion groups that will help the state reduce bureaucracy and share its resources with individuals and voluntary organizations who can provide the necessary services more effectively. Chapter 17: Emotional Training in political systems Political systems directly influence all aspects of our lives. Unfortunately, they are motivated by power struggles that affect all the other systems that are dependent on them. Their main weakness is their lack of empathy and their total disregard of emotional skills. Paradoxically, the main goal of political systems is to provide security, whereas they always behave in an aggressive and competitive manner. Apparently, this anxiety-ridden aggressiveness seems to be inherent in the nature of political struggles. But this paradox is not imperative. Actually, politicians' aggressive characteristics are the reason for their repeated failures: they seldom carry out their promises and commitments; they waste public budgets, start unnecessary wars and fail in peace negotiations, betray their political partners and disappoint their voters. Why are politicians continually doomed to failure? The answer is simple: they are not aware of their emotional skills. In fact, the prominent politicians who do occasionally accomplish outstanding achievements are those who are gifted with emotional skills. Emotional Training is a practical method that could enable politicians to find better ways to cooperate and achieve their objectives. Government systems The reason for politicians' lack of empathy is the high level of stress and anxiety in their everyday proceedings. The nature of their interactions with allies and rivals teaches them to mistrust everyone and always be alert to dangers. More than any other people, they are motivated by the primitive instinct of 'fight or flight', while regarding all their actions as a struggle for survival. Such a never-ending struggle wears out politicians and almost totally conceals their emotional skills. Emotional Training is a simple and useful method that could benefit politicians at all levels of the Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training governmental hierarchy. It could help them cope better with everyday crises and obstacles, enable them to improve their interactions and negotiations and increase the satisfaction they derive from their work. Politicians could be greatly helped by a personal emotional trainer in the same way as athletes are supervised by a physical trainer. Emotional Training could improve all kinds of political interactions, for example government meetings, interactions with the opposition, negotiations with allies and enemies, working with staff, and above all communicating with the public. Government offices and services Government officials are supposed to be public servants. They are responsible for executing the government's policies and providing all types of services that should instill a feeling of safety in their citizens. Unfortunately government offices and the officials who run them reflect the spirit of their superiors, and their hierarchical bureaucratic structure conveys an atmosphere of distrust and anxiety to the public. Thus, instead of creating a sense of trust and safety, governmental services actually increase anxiety. Although it defeats the main purpose of public services, which is to serve the public, this situation is not inevitable. It could be possible to break through this impenetrable wall of bureaucracy by means of Emotional Training, a gradual and simple method for improving the functioning of government officials through seminars and workshops. International relations When we watch world leaders communicating and negotiating, they sometimes appear to us almost childish or even infantile. We tend to assume that we don't have enough information or that something more meaningful is happening behind the scenes. In actual fact, this is not the case, and most leaders and diplomats lack the basic skills necessary for inspiring trust and understanding other personages and cultures. This explains why successful leaders - those who effect change, stop wars and sign peace agreements - are the ones who know how to create interpersonal relationships with other leaders. Emotional Training could contribute immensely to international Chapter 17: Emotional Training in political systems relations. Emotional trainers could prepare both sides for any type of negotiation before it begins, or even facilitate such interactions. The practice of Emotional Training could improve international relations on all levels, from junior diplomats up to prime ministers. The military and the police The power of political systems derives from their military and police forces, which are hierarchical by their very nature. These organizations employ vast numbers of people who interact with and influence the entire population. The hierarchical nature of these organizations cancels out any possibility of empathy and enfeebles the emotional skills. This explains why such organizations, which are meant to create a sense of security and safety, actually cause an increase in anxiety and fear. This paradox can be solved by incorporating Emotional Training in these bodies' training programs. Practicing Emotional Training would not harm the chain of command, but would increase a sense of trust within these organizations and improve their interaction with citizens. Living with minorities and immigrants Nowadays, one of the major difficulties of democratic states is the integration of minorities and the increasing wave of immigration, due to global warming and political and economic instability in other parts of the world. Our ability to tolerate minorities and immigrants reflects how developed our emotional skills are, especially our empathy levels. Undeveloped emotional skills and a lack of empathy increase anxiety and give rise to intolerance, which is a major source of conflict among different sectors of the population. Minorities and immigrants constitute the weakest populations in the social system, and their anxiety levels are even more unstable than those of most of a society. Intolerance and anxiety feed on one another and accelerate to hatred and violence. It is in the interest of the majority to create an empathic atmosphere for the purpose of integrating minorities and immigrants into all areas of life. Emotional Training is a practical way of doing this at all levels Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training of interaction with minorities and immigrants. This could be accomplished through children's workshops or training sessions for religious leaders, teachers, etc. Empathic interaction is always the best means of creating trust and decreasing tension and violence. Coping with racism A high level of anxiety can damage our emotional skills and pose the most serious threat to human society in the form of racism. Such high anxiety is generally the result of war or economic depression, and it destroys any possibility of empathy. Racism is a social illness, and its symptoms are hatred and violence, dehumanization and xenophobia. Sometimes this illness becomes a plague that endangers the whole world through total war or terror. The only way to cope with the illness of racism is to reconstitute our emotional skills. Such an effort must be on a national level and upheld by governments or social organizations. It can be accomplished by integrating Emotional Training into educational programs, especially through training social leaders such as teachers, businessmen and politicians. Chapter 18 Emotional Training in thought and research The main characteristic of the human race is the urge to acquire knowledge and understanding. The new concept of human nature and the definition of the seven emotional skills provide a new explanation for this phenomenon, which opens up a wide field of research possibilities. While other species are motivated by survival instincts, human beings are motivated by death anxiety. The awareness of our prospective death and the inability to understand what this means has led us to develop theories and methods in an attempt to explain the meaning of life, while avoiding confrontation with death. We create the sense of a safe place by searching for truth, creating myths and narratives that explain the creation of the universe and developing technologies and inventions that allow us to delude ourselves that we are omnipotent and can overcome death itself. Death anxiety has spurred us to creativity and has led us to develop sophisticated technologies and communication through scientific research. The scientific revolution (that began with Copernicus about 500 years ago, continued with the rational revolution of Descartes in the 17th century, the first Industrial Revolution in the 18th century and the second Industrial Revolution in the 19th century), has resulted in the information revolution of the 21st century. Has the time come for the third Industrial Revolution as described by Jeremy Rifkin in his eye-opening book, The Empathic Civilization? Unfortunately the answer to this question is negative, since definitions of science and rationality are still bound up with the outdated belief in the mind-body separation, which ignores the fact that cognitive awareness and rational thinking are part and parcel of our emotional process. Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training Expanding the definition of science and rationality to include the essential role of the emotional skills may contribute to a new understanding of reality and a new type of research more appropriate to the 21st century. Thinking methods I read Descartes' 17th century Discourse on Method when I was sixteen, and I am still moved by his original approach to thought. Later, while studying philosophy at the university, I was aware of a lack of any reference to the emotional motives that influence our rational decisions. I decided to elaborate on Descartes' method, developing my own thinking method. Intuitively I integrated the emotional aspect into my new method, and the result was impressive. I could easily invent and develop ideas; it took me ten minutes to invent a puzzle that became a best-seller. (Half a million such puzzles were sold, enabling me to move to London and concentrate on my MA studies in psychotherapy without worrying about financial problems). It was no coincidence that I decided to study psychotherapy. In order to develop my new method of thinking, which was based on effecting emotional change, I needed to understand how the human mind worked. I found out that there was no agreed definition of the mind, and that it was a mystical term that could not help me develop a clear method. That was my first step in the exploration of the emotional skills that led me to develop the Emotional Training method. Although my interest in the how the brain worked led me to create a new way of life, it also shaped and clarified my thinking method. Without being aware of it, we all develop our own thinking methods during our lives, which help us attune ourselves to reality, cope with difficulties and be creative. Practicing Emotional Training can help us create better thinking methods that are capable of improving all our cognitive activities. Chapter 18: Emotional Training in thinking and research Brain research My new concept of human nature and the Emotional Training method are based on a hypothesis in respect to human behavior. My arguments are not based on scientific research, but rather on intuition and years of experience. Only recently, when I began working on this book, I became aware of new discoveries in neuroscience. I read some books and papers concerning findings regarding the 'empathic gene' and brain functioning, and was surprised to find out the similarity between these findings and my hypotheses. At the same time, I wondered why the authors of these books, who had actually shown that brain activity was responsible for our emotional responses and that there was no separation between body and 'mind', still employ obsolete dualistic terminology and referred to the 'mind' as if such a mystical entity really exsisted. Emotional Training and its accompanying innovative concept of human nature can provide neuro-scientific researchers with a new frame of reference regarding emotional activity. Subsequent research in light of my conclusions could map the seven emotional skills and associate them with brain activity. In addition, such research could in turn influence and modify the Emotional Training method by providing additional information related to practicing the emotional skills. Interpreting history Jeremy Rifkin, in his book, The Empathic Civilization, suggests a new perspective on human history regarding the development of human empathy. He provides brilliant new insights into human history and development involving the impact of the emotional skill of empathy on human interaction and on the development of communication, transportation and industry. While historians generally describe human history according to the reference points of disasters, crises or wars, Rifkin's observations are based on human achievements and events that could not have occurred without the inborn skill of empathy. His revolutionary view of human Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training history also relates to the future and is particularly relevant to current historical developments involving global warming and emigration. While Rifkin's original new ideas relate only to empathy, which is one of emotional skills, it would be possible to conduct additional historical research in light of all seven emotional skills, thus generating a new narrative of human development. Emotional Training could assist us in comprehending the developments of human history according to the assumption that it is motivated by the search for a safe place. Each of the emotional skills could provide a deeper understanding of historical events and interactions. Understanding human behavior The study of human behavior has always been a central concern of researchers and philosophers. In previous eras such research was based on belief and speculation, while in the scientific era it is based on observation. Nowadays human behavior is being researched by various academic disciplines, including psychology, sociology, anthropology, social work and sometimes even literature. Such research is influenced by commonly held beliefs regarding human nature. These beliefs include Darwin's natural selection, the belief in human selfishness and psychoanalytic determinism, which claims that all forms of behavior are unconsciously motivated. Emotional Training not only suggests a different approach to human nature, including the assumption that empathy is inborn and that the search for a safe place is the main motivation for our behavior. It also provides a clear definition of the seven emotional skills, enabling us to objectively observe and explore human behavior in a way that may be both controlled and replicated. While in former studies of human behavior there was an embarrassing gap between observations and assumptions, between physical phenomena and mystical hypotheses regarding the 'mind', the definition of 'emotions' as simple physical responses can bridge this gap and lead to a new understanding of human behavior. Chapter 19 Emotional training in art and creativity If there is a difference between human beings and other species, it is the phenomenon of art. In Western culture art is separated from other activities, since it is apparently not necessary for survival. This definition was not so clear a few centuries ago, when art was more functional and also served a religious purpose. But even then, it was possible to claim that art had never fulfilled a vital purpose. The false concept of the 'mind', and the separation between mind and body, was the reason art became associated with spirituality. Such a mystical interpretation of art, and the identification of the artist as different and 'crazy', deprived us of one of our most important human attributes. Actually, art is a powerful resource for creating the sense of a safe place, and in times of crisis, when reality overpowers our ability to find security, art is the only source of safety and meaning in the world. We derive a sense of safety from listening to music, reading a book or looking at a painting, and we feel much more powerful when we ourselves are involved in creative activity. Practicing Emotional Training can enable everyone to be more creative in various fields, giving them a greater feeling of security. Creative activities The link between creativity and art is misleading, especially if we regard art as limited to the unique expression of a few gifted 'artists'. Actually, we are all creative, and creativity can be expressed in everyday activities, such as cooking, gardening, cleaning and knitting. We draw on our creativity several times a day, without being aware of it. Creativity is an integral part of our natural learning process, and we cannot progress without it. Fame and success are a result of competitiveness and public relations, and the industry that has grown up around famous artists Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training deceives us into thinking that artistic creativity is linked with special 'talents'. If we comprehend that the main value of art and creativity is to create a sense of safety, then concepts like success and talent become meaningless. Everyone can sing and play, write and paint and be satisfied with the results. We can be creative without comparing ourselves with others and without competing with them. We can continually improve in any kind of creative activity we choose just by practicing it on a daily basis. The constant exercise of Emotional Training involves considerable creativity. In many cases, engaging in any kind of artistic activity is much more effective than psychotherapy, and it can improve our abilities in all areas of life. Literature In 1973 I found myself in the middle of the Sinai desert, surrounded by tanks, artillery, commando groups and airplanes that threatened to kill me, and my comrades, in a senseless war. One could not imagine a more extreme situation for arousing death anxiety than one where I saw my friends being killed and hundreds, even thousands, of dead bodies lying by the roadside. At that time, in October 1973, there was apparently no safe place for me in the world, and I was convinced that I was going to die. But there was one thing that kept me alive, that allowed me to escape from the hell around me. I always carried a paperback with me in my pocket. During that war I had with me Balzac's novel Eugenie Grandet, which opens with a four-page description of a house. That book was what kept me safe during that terrible war. Reading a work of fiction is a wonderful way of creating the sense of a safe place. In fact, the stories we read only exist in our imagination, where we recreate them by means of our emotional skills, especially our skill of empathy. A good writer creates a narrative using his emotional skills in order to turn it into a safe place for his readers. There are many schools of literary theory or 'the science of literature', and psychoanalytical ideas have had an impact on 20th century authors and researchers. Chapter 19: Emotional Training in creative arts The idea that literature actually creates the sense of a safe place for readers (and writers) could provide researchers with a new field of investigation. It would be possible to view the infrastructure of any literary work through the prism of the seven emotional skills. Theater Whereas reading involves an active process taking place in our imagination, watching a play, a film or a TV show is a more passive pursuit. In the theater the dramatist, the actors and the director all manipulate our emotions. This manipulation has psychotherapeutic qualities and it can only take place in secure surroundings. Aristotle defined the conditions necessary for this in his three 'rules of thumb': the unity of time, space and action. Emotional Training expands Aristotle's rules of thumb into seven emotional skills. These skills can clarify for us how playwrights succeed in creating a drama that provides the sense of a safe place for the audience, even when it takes them on a harrowing emotional journey. Emotional Training offers a new perspective on the theater based on the principle of creating the sense of a safe place. It can help us identify the therapeutic qualities of the theater, which Aristotle called 'catharsis'. Music Music is a combination of tones in a specific order. On the other hand, disorganized sounds are considered 'noise'. Why do we enjoy one way of ordering tones and regard it as good music, while disliking a different order, which we refer to as boring or 'old fashioned'? The explanation is that we are sensitive to the degree of safety imparted by any particular type of music. Why does a specific tonal order create the sense of a safe place? Because that is how we respond to any kind of stimulus, and musical notes are merely stimuli. Our first reaction to music is a physiological one. If the music is too loud, or if it is dissonant, we sense it as a Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training threat. Understanding the language of music - its harmonies, tensions and climaxes - can make us feel secure. Since music is artificial, it speaks in many languages; we feel secure only when we listen to music that we can understand. While every composer encodes his music through the seven emotional skills into his own personal language, we, the listeners, are capable of decoding a particular musical composition through our emotional skills on condition that we are accustomed to the composer's language. While I was studying composition in a music academy, my teachers informed me that being able to compose music was a gift. I have since realized that composition is the art of arranging a series of tones according to the seven emotional skills, while enjoying music is the art of decoding it using those same skills. Visual arts Children love creating: painting, modeling with clay, shaping images out of play dough. Later, when they begin associating creativity with art, which demands a special talent and is evaluated according to market prices and public relations, they are deterred from engaging in art and they lose faith in their creative abilities. When we grow to adulthood, we limit ourselves to observing works of arts in museums and books of reproductions. In most cases we feel that art is too complex for us and that we don't really understand it. In fact, art is not complicated or meant only for intellectuals or talented people. In retrospect, the most well-known works of art are those that most people like because they make them feel secure. Analyzing the history of art according to the seven emotional skills would make it possible to understand why some works of art are more popular than others. This could be an interesting project for art researchers, and it could help demystify art. Art is a unique human way of creating the sense of a safe place by artificial means. Creating works of art or observing and trying to understand them can improve our emotional skills and make us feel more secure. Chapter 19: Emotional Training in creative arts Dr. Dror Green / Emotional Training Emotional Training A practical guide to emotional management How can we cope with our natural death anxiety and create the sense of a safe place in the changing world? How can we eficiently cope with crisis and traumas? How can we learn to create relationships and ind love? How can we realize our potential and be happy? And can we do all this without approaching psychotherapy or counseling or coaching? Dr. Dror Green has researched hundreds approaches to psychotherapy, and found that they all ignore our inborn emotional skills, which enable us to attune ourselves to reality, avoid crises, realize our potential and be happy. Emotional Training is a simple and practical way of life, based on improving our emotional skills and creating a sense of a safe place. Emotional Training is based on a new concept of human nature The myth of the 'mind' and the belief in the separation between body and mind have been the cornerstones of Western culture for more than 2,000 years, but they remain vague. Dr. Dror Green has deined a new revolutionary concept of human nature that regards emotions as physical responses to stimuli from reality. This concept is compatible with new researches in neuroscience and the understanding that empathy is inborn. The emotional process is not a mystical concept, as is customarily assumed, but the autopilot that navigates our lives, warns us of dangers and directs us to a safe place. Emotional Training suggests a new understanding of our lives Emotional Training is an eficient method for a healthy and productive life, and it also enables us to review all aspects of our lives: interpersonal relationships, professional relationships, social and political systems, thought and research, creativity and art. Emotional Training supplies us with eficient ways of coping with the challenges of the 21st century, global warming and the Internet revolution. Dr. Dror Green is a psychotherapist, lecturer and supervisor. He is the director of the Institute of Emotional Training in Bulgaria, where he give seminars to couples, parents, directors, etc. He has trained psychotherapists, psychiatrists, psychologists and educators. He was one of the pioneers of online psychotherapy, and developed the irst online clinic. He is also a musician, an illustrator and the author of about 40 books for children, adults and professionals. You can meet Dr. Dror Green on his site: www.emotional-training.com Books, Publishers Institute of Emotional Training recommended price: €80