..blogging again?

..it has been 3 years since my last posting.. pre cancer and post cancer.. it was like a whirlpool and I was sucked into it helplessly.. 2015 and until November, 2016 was pre cancer days.. life. was blissful then.. I was confident of my health.. never doubting it.. like as if it's a right to healthy.. it is easy to be blindsided.. as I was..one day you are up and about.. the next you re unable to move and bedridden..

..by December, 2016, pakmat was warded.. 4th floor, HUSM, Kubang Kerian.. diagnosed as a fractured thigh bone and cancer.. I remember my eldest crying.. and me numbed, not taking it in yet.. surgery was scheduled on the 26th.. a day after Christmas..

..Pakzawi was among the
first who visited me..

..along with Lady Puteri
and Pak Abu..

..my eldest.. Aftisa..who
cried when the good
doctor pronounced cancer.. 

..my first wheelchair.

..my girls..

.. I survived the surgery with half my thigh bone was removed and replaced with a steel implant.. a few days later I can even walked.. discharged and wheeled home I felt confident.. I gave my thanks to Allah.. whose Mercy and Grace I seeked.. I seeked His forgiveness..and I went to the Oncology ward feeling optimistic.. and I was out on chemotherapy the whole year of 2017.. Allah put on in another road.. the chemo did not cure me.. it has spread to the bones.. it's stage 4.. and i prayed for Allah's guidance.. I asked for strenght.. Lord, i am ill and only You can cure me.. please forgive me my sins.. forgive me.. as i have committed small sins..
 so have i greater sins.. in the stillness of the night, i shed tears of sorrow.. but i try not to despair . . i held on to Allah . . as i thanked him for each new day.. asking His Blessing.. for His protection.. that He accept my ibadah.. give me knowledge that's useful..