My Bizarre Stint As an Amazon Reviewer for Hire

I didn’t intend to become a liar for hire, a purveyor of fake news on that terrible site, Amazon. But I knew I went too far when I woke up shrouded by my untruths. My blanket, pillows, and even my duvet were a lie. The pajamas, my night light, the Christmas lights that I hung on the wall: all falsehoods.

For the last nine months, I’d been writing positive Amazon reviews in exchange for free merchandise. Like most criminals, I started out legit, through a site called RebateKey, which offers rebates between 5% and 100%. Sellers used this third-party service of small refunds to bolster the search results when consumers are looking for, say, LifeStone Rose Quartz Crystal Soap with French Pink Clay and Rose Geranium Essential Oil, a meat thermometer, or a newsboy cap. The rebate check arrived after 30 days, so I couldn’t return the product after payment. It only made sense to participate if I were truly interested in owning the product in question.

But after I contacted RebateKey customer service using Facebook Messenger, the social media data vacuum otherwise known as Facebook apparently pegged me as…