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200 pages, Hardcover
First published August 1, 2014
In three days I was travelling to East Germany, the GDR, to research cultural opposition to the rise of fascism in the 1930s at the Humboldt University. Although my German was reasonably fluent they had assigned me a translator. His name was Walter Müller. I was to stay for two weeks in East Berlin with his mother and sister, who had offered me a room in their tenement apartment near the university. Walter Müller was part of the reason I had nearly been run over on the zebra crossing. He had written to say that his sister, whose name was Katrin – but the family called her Luna – was a big Beatles fan. ….. It had been Jennifer’s idea to take a photograph of myself crossing the zebra on Abbey Road to give to Luna.
1 I smiled at his careful reconstruction of history, blatantly told in his favour ……
2 While he spoke, he gazed at the rectangular object in his hand. The object was speaking. There was definitely a voice inside it, a man’s voice, and he was saying something angry and insulting …..
3 When I told him I was twenty-eight, he didn’t believe me and asked for my age again.
A light breeze blew into the GDR, but I knew it came from America. A wind from another time. It brought with it the salt scent of seaweed and oysters. And wool. A child’s knitted blanket. Folded over the back of a chair. Time and place all mixed up. Now. Then. There. Here.
‘Listen, Luna.’ I felt as if I were floating out of my body as I spoke. ‘In September 1989, the Hungarian government will open the border for East German refugees wanting to flee to the West. Then the tide of people will be unstoppable. By November 1989, the borders will be open and within a year your two Germanys will become one.’
You know Walter, I don’t think that [1988]’s the right date
So when are you living?
Further on.
Someone had planted the tomatoes with me in the future soil of East Anglia
1 I smiled at his careful reconstruction of history, blatantly told in his favour ……
2 I was lying on the road. A mobile phone lay next to my hand. A male voice inside it was speaking angry and insulting words.
3 When I told him I was twenty-eight he didn’t believe me.
I could hear him explaining to my doctor, who might also be a Stasi informer, that I was a historian. My subject was communist Eastern Europe and somehow I had transported myself back to the GDR, a trip I had made when I was twenty-eight in the year 1988. Now, nearly thirty years later, while I was lying on my back in University College Hospital, I seemed to have gone back in time to that trip in the GDR in my youth.
A few minutes after he left, I head a mirror shatter. It was an echo of something that had happened on the Abbey Road crossing. I had glanced at myself in the wing mirror of the car, Wolfgang’s car, and it had exploded into a heap or reflective shards. Some of these were inside my head.
I realized there was glass everywhere and that some of it was inside my head. I had gazed at my reflection in the wing mirror of his car and my reflection had fallen into me ……
I’ve mixed then and now all up …….. “That’s what I do in my photographs”
Your head hit the silver cat on the bonnet of my Jaguar.
For a start, I had his Jaguar inside my head. His wing mirror, from which he had glimpsed the man in pieces crossing the road, had shattered. A thousand and one slivers of glass were floating inside my head.
I had been given a plastic bowl of tinned pineapple by the woman who wheeled the lunch trolley.
What had happened between thirty and fifty-six? Those years were lost to morphine
I’m trying to cross the road …. Yes, she said, you’ve been trying to cross the road for thirty years but stuff happened on the way
I had been proud to have glamorous Jennifer Moreau on my arm, what with her exotic French surname, vintage powder-blue trouser suit and matching suede platform boots. I had watched Fat Matt and his shabby wife and their two young sons sitting in the front pew like they were the royals of the family, and wondered what it was that I had done so wrong in their eyes, apart from wearing a pearl necklace.
It’s like this Gumble’s Yard, this is how people talk to each other
No it’s like this Deborah Levy, your characters are deliberately pretentious
“Poetic thought, unlike rootless orchids, did not grow in a greenhouse and did not faint when confronted with today’s traumas”
I had been up all night writing a lecture on the psychology of male tyrants and I'd made a start with the way Stalin flirted with women by flicking bread at them across the dinner table.I actually highlighted a lot of beautifully-written passages, but when I go back and look at them now, in isolation, they just seem....kind of crazy. I don't mean to imply the sort of craziness that most fictional characters have, smearing lipstick all over their faces and setting fire to the gerbil. This is more of your One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest crazy, people who simply are not cut out to function in our complex world, and are generally tearful and depressed and apathetic as a result.